Date: Fri, 23 Mar 2012 02:23:48 -0800
From: Micheal Mikey <michealwitluv@gmail.com>
Subject: The Game He Lost

The Talk

     It was like the first trembling instant when a roller coaster lingered
at the crest of a drop. Abe felt his heart thud painfully. He could see the
danger ahead. He could do nothing to stop it.

     Somewhere in the back of his mind, he had known this was going to
happen. That moment on the bus when Finn had seared him with his kiss, he
had understood there would have to be more. There hadn't been time then.
This wasn't really the time, either. After his spectacular failure this
morning, how could he possibly think of his own pleasure? Had he no shame?
Had he no conscience? Had he forgotten what could happen if he followed his
heart instead of his brain?

     But his mind was still spinning, his emotions in turmoil and Finn's
arms felt so solid and right that he couldn't turn away. What else could he
do but hang on for the ride?

     Finn kissed him gently at first. With one arm supporting his shoulders
and his long legs angled on either side of him, Finn held him in a secure
embrace. Although his big body surrounded him, Abe felt no uneasiness. He
had never felt uneasy with Finn's size, even on that first evening when he
had let him into his apartment and hadn't known who he was.

     That had been on Thursday. This was Sunday. Once again Abe wondered
how it was possible that only three days had passed. It was as if he had
known Finn longer, as if he had been waiting for him for years; the man in
his dreams, the one who would guide him through the sensual maze of candle
flames without getting burned.

     He twisted, tipping up his face to improve the fit of their mouths. He
felt a smile flicker over Finn's lips. He followed the smile with his
tongue.

     Finn groaned and brought his hand to Abe's face. His fingers were
unsteady where they stroked Abe's cheek, the muscles of his thighs and arms
rigid with tension, yet he kept his strength under control. He tunneled his
fingers into Abe's short hair to hold him steady as he answered his caress
with one of his own.

     Abe could feel Finn's erection against his backside. It exhilarated
him, like the rush of air on his face as the roller coaster took him
through a swooping turn. His body remembered how this went. Responses long
denied were surging with a force that was far more powerful than anything
he could have dreamed.

     Finn pulled back. His gaze burned into Abe's. "That's why."

     Abe spread his fingers over Finn's chest. "What?"

     "Let me show you again."

     His kiss was more certain this time. He tasted Abe with lush sweeps,
using his lips and his tongue in a way that made Abe melt. When he closed
his hand over Abe's chest, it felt so inevitable, like an extension of the
exploration of his mouth that he didn't even consider resisting. Abe arched
himself more fully into his palm, exclaiming in delight as Finn found Abe's
nipple though his clothes.

     Something creaked. Abe felt himself falling sideways. Before they
could tip onto the floor, Finn flung himself backward and hauled Abe on top
of him. Abe landed on his chest, his legs sprawled between Finn's, his nose
against the hollow of his throat. The cot slid a few inches upward, wobbled
and then steadied.

     They were both breathing hard. Abe braced his hands on Finn's
shoulders and lifted his head so he could look at Finn.

     Finn was smiling, his lips still moist from their kiss. Dimples
creased the grooves besides his mouth. Warm little laugh lines spread from
the corners of his heartbreakingly blue eyes. His black hair tousled into
soft curls that fell carelessly back from his forehead. And somehow, his
palm was still cradling Abe's nipple.

     Oh, but Finn was a wickedly handsome man. So sure of himself, so sexy,
so appealing. He was stretched out beneath Abe, watching him with a hunger
that sent a shudder of response down his spine. He hooked his legs over
Abe's pressing their lower bodies together. The intimate contact made Abe
shudder again.

     "Does that answer your questions?" he asked.

     "What question?"

     Finn gave Abe's nipple a light squeeze, and then moved his hand to his
cheek. "Why you wouldn't be happy with Paul."

     It took a moment for Abe's brain to register what Finn had said. The
response that bubbled through him started to ebb. "Is that why you kissed
me? Were you trying to prove something?"

     "Hell, no. I just wanted to kiss you, that is all." Finn stroked Abe's
jaw. "You are a passionate man. I thought you would like it."

     "Passion isn't all I want, Finn."

     Finn moved his thumb over Abe's lower lip. "But you did like it."

     Abe sighed and kissed Finn's thumb. "I think we had this conversation
before."

     "Uh-huh. Right before you claimed I'm not your type."

     "You're not."

     Finn tilted his hips. It was a subtle movement, only a slight shift in
the angle. The quiver it sent through Abe's body made him a liar.

     Oh, yes. At the moment Finn was exactly the man he wanted. "Finn, this
shouldn't have happened. We shouldn't do this."

     Finn lifted his head and sucked lightly on his lover's lip.

     Abe made a low noise in his throat. He tried to summon the energy to
argue. He fought to remember why he should argue. He moved his head
aside. "I'm not that kind of a man, Finn, I'm not casual about..."

     "Sex?" Finn kissed the side of his neck. "Desire?" he ran his palms
down Abe's back and cupped his buttocks. "Mutual enjoyment?"

     Abe pressed his face into his shirt. For a weak moment, he let himself
absorb the pleasure of his touch, his familiar scent, the rise and fall of
Finn's chest as he breathed. But he knew better than this, didn't he?
Didn't he?

     But it had been so long, and this felt so very, very good...

     But it had felt good with Stuart too.

     Abe blinked and raised his head. "Please stop. I can't do this."

     Finn's smile faded. He immediately took his hands off Abe's buttocks
and released his hold on Abe's legs. "Abe? What's wrong?"

     Abe pushed off Finn's chest. The cot started to tip with the shift in
his weight. He got to his feet and half fell onto Sandra's cot. "Finn, I
haven't had sex in eight years."

     Finn looked as if he had been punched. He jackknifed upward and
twisted to face Abe. "What did you say?"

     Abe wiped his eyes with the heel of his palm. "Don't look at me as if
I'm some kind of freak. Celibacy might not be fashionable, but..."

     "No. That's not what I thought. I'm surprised, that's
all. I'm... surprised," he repeated. He moved his hand as if he was about
to touch him, and then shoved his fingers through his own hair. "Why, Abe?"

     Abe hesitated. Normally, he wouldn't have talked about this to anyone,
not even his sisters. But there had been nothing normal about his life
since he had met Finn. He glanced around, belatedly aware of how thin the
canvas walls were.

     "It's okay," Finn said, as if recognizing the reason for his
discomfort. "The men on watch are too far away to hear us and the chief's
wearing a radio headset. There's only you and me." he swung his feet to the
floor and sat facing him, his forearms braced on his knees. As he continued
to regard him, his expression hardened. "Did somebody abuse you? Is that
it?"

     "No, not in the way you think. Stuart didn't..." he stopped and took a
deep breath. "I was twenty-one when I met Stuart Morgan. He swept me off my
feet. We lived together for almost a year. He was... very skillful when it
came to sex. He always made sure I enjoyed myself and he taught me things
about physical pleasure that I hadn't know were possible. I loved him with
my entire heart."

     Finn's expression didn't ease. If anything, it grew grimmer. "And you
are still in love with him, is that it? Like the way Sandra is still
mourning her fiancé?"

     "No, Finn. Stuart didn't die. He only left."

     "He what?"

     "He cleaned out his closet and emptied our bank account and left," he
stated. "That's when I finally realized that I loved him for his looks and
his body. I loved him for his good times he showed me, all that mutual
pleasure that you said men were made for. I was so completely wrapped up in
a sexual infatuation that I didn't see how empty it all was."

     Finn regarded Abe in silence. Apart from a muscle that twitched in his
cheek, he was completely motionless. He looked as if he had been punched
again.

     "And it was empty, Finn. It was hollow, just a shell of what a real
relationship should be. I thought Stuart was my Mr. Right and that we would
build a life together, but as soon as he learned there might have been
consequences to all the sex, he packed up and ran."

     "Consequences?"

     "I thought I had AIDS. I didn't, but I had some symptoms and when I
told Stuart, he freaked. Not because he thought I was cheating on him –
he knew that I wasn't – but because he wasn't ready to deal with it."

     Finn rubbed his face, then squeezed Abe's cheeks between his fingers
and his thumb and continued to study him. "I'm sorry, Abe."

     "No, it was just as well I learned what he was like before I actually
did marry him."

     "Yes, it was, but I'm sorry for that crack I made yesterday about
picking out your china pattern and the names of your firstborn."

     "You didn't know."

     "That's right, I didn't." Finn's took Abe's hands and held them
loosely between his. "But eight years is a long time to deny
yourself. Plenty of people have bad experiences and try again."

    "What makes you think I'm not trying?"

     "You said you've been celibate."

     "That's because I learned from my mistake. I know exactly what I want
now, and it isn't a few stolen kisses or some shallow affair."

     "Then what do you want, Abe?"

     Abe knew the answer to this question – he had thought about it for
eight years. "I want the kind of love that doesn't depend solely on how you
look or how cleverly you perform a sex act. I want the real thing. I want
what my parents have, what my sisters and their husbands have. What we saw
when Anselm and Nneka Ibru hugged their youngest child." His throat felt
thick. He swallowed and went on. "I want commitment in the truest sense of
the word, Finn. I want a marriage that grows stronger with each baby that's
born and every gray hair. Every wrinkle, every argument, every holiday and
every twist in the road of life."

     Finn dropped his gaze to their joined hands. "Most marriages aren't
like that, Abe."

     "I know that. That's why it's so important to find the right person to
fall in love with."

     "You are an idealist."

     "You say that as if there's something wrong with that."

     "It's not wrong. It's rare."

     "Why? Because I have dreams and I won't settle for less?"

     "Because you don't hold back. Everything you do, you do a hundred
percent. Like the way you have let yourself feel about this mission. The
way you cry. The way you believe in love."

     "Well, what about you, Finn? Don't you have dreams? Isn't there
anything you want?"

     Finn moved his thumbs over the backs of his knuckles trailing them
down the faint lines of Abe's tendons. "Yes, Abe. There are things that I
want."

     Abe waited for him to continue. Another silence fell, this one longer
than the last.

     When Finn finally spoke, he voice was low and rough. "Each time I have
to fire a round at an enemy's heart so he doesn't kill my teammates, or I
see a wild eye teenager with explosives strapped to his chest, I want world
peace. Every time the team is bivouacked near some village and I give my
rations away to the hungry kids who beg on the edge of the camp, or I see
farmers with no legs because their fields were filled with land mines, I
want the scientists who develop our weapons to turn their energies into
finding a way to feed the planet's starving people."

     Abe might have been all right if Finn had smiled or if he had followed
his comment with some witty quip. Instead he lifted his gaze and looked at
him.

     His barriers were down. He was dead serious. He was letting Abe see
the pain he had merely glimpsed before, and the depth of his emotions
stunned Abe.

     Abe felt the memory of his own troubles pale beneath the force of
Finn's sadness. What had happened to him? It had to have been far worse
than an unhappy love affair. Had it been a mission? Or was it something to
do with the family he didn't want to talk about? "It sounds as if you are
as much of an idealist at heart as I am, Finn."

     "No, Abe, I'm not. I learned a long time ago there's a big difference
between what we want and what we can have. This is the only world we have
got. All we can do is make the best of it." He tightened his grip and
brought Abe's knuckles to his lips. "So go ahead and call me shallow and
empty because I believe in living in the moment and grabbing the good
times."

     "I didn't say that."

     "You thought it, and that's fine. Right now, this moment, is the only
thing in life." Finn leaned closer. "And right now, I want to kiss you."

     Abe didn't pull away. Somehow he couldn't.

     "I'm warning you this has nothing to do with wrinkles and holidays,"
he said. "All I'm going to do is kiss you, okay?"

     It didn't seem to matter to Abe anymore that Finn was handsome enough
to steal his breath. The vulnerability he hid behind his perfect face was
the most compelling feature of all.

     Abe felt a tear trickle into the corner of his mouth. He licked it off
and nodded, then closed what was left of the distance between them and
pressed his lips to Finn's.

     How could Finn's kisses keep changing? Each time it seemed different,
as if Finn was showing him another level and another layer of himself. His
mouth was warm and giving a silent caress with no demands, no promises,
like a roller coaster car slowing down and coasting to a stop at the end of
the ride.

     Finn got to his feet, slipped his arms beneath Abe and picked him up,
then turned and placed him on his own cot. Without pausing, Finn took off
Abe's shoes, spread a blanket over him and tucked it under his chin. "Go to
sleep, Abe," he murmured, leaning down to brush a kiss over his
forehead. "There's nothing more you can do now."

     Abe squeezed his eyes closed. Nothing he could do. About Matthew Ibru?
Or about his tangled feelings for Finn?"

~~~~~~~~~~

     Although every available man was at this briefing, there were empty
chairs – a portion of the team was already deployed, spread out through
the D.C area to keep track of the men who had been followed after the
botched exchange yesterday. Finn focused on the map that was taped to the
support pole.

     "One MEND cell is in each of these locations. Two are roach motels,
one is a rooming house." Commander Redinger used a pen to point at three of
the four circles that had been marked on the map in red." According to our
information, the rent had been paid in cash through to this coming
Friday. I believe that gives us an outside time frame for Boko Haram's
intentions."

     Friday, Finn though. That was only four days away. The mission would
probably be over by then. He glanced at Abe. He was standing at the edge of
the group, his arms folded tightly over his sweater, his face pale. This
morning he had once again offered to take Abe home, but he had refused,
just as Finn had expected. Ghost had backed Abe up, saying Abe should stick
around in case Boko Haram wanted to use him for another ransom drop.

     Finn didn't like it. He didn't want Abe taking that risk. Besides, Abe
was already too emotionally involved. He was going to be devastated if this
didn't turn out well and Matthew was killed. Finn had tried to warn Abe
about maintaining his distance, but he didn't know how to do anything
halfway.

     That guy Stuart had been a fool. How could he have tossed aside a man
as compassionate and wholeheartedly honest as Abe?

     How? The same way Finn had perfected the art of leaving men behind for
most of his adult life.

     But that was different, he told himself. He had never hooked up with a
man like Abe before. That's why he avoided nesters. He made sure there was
a clear understanding of mutual expectations up front, and he chose
partners who wanted nothing more than he was prepared to give them. Sweet
words. Sex. Good memories and an easy goodbye.

     Easy and painless. Shallow and empty.

     Finn rubbed his face and turned his attention back to Ghost.

     "This fourth location is the one that shows the most promise," the
commander said, moving his pen to a point across the river in
Baltimore. "It's the only aberration in the pattern. It isn't a rooming
house or motel; it's a two storey brick building with a storefront on the
street level and an apartment above it. Any progress on the records search,
Captain Fox?"

     Sandra stood. "The building was leased two months ago by a corporation
based in Atlantic City with a branch in Nigeria. I've just learned that the
principal investors are Nigerian."

     "All right, we are going to do a detailed reconnaissance of the
two-block area around that building," Ghost said. "I want all routes in and
out accounted for. Blueprints of pertinent data on the neighboring
structures. What kind of business is in the storefront?"

     "It was formerly a butcher shop," Rafe said. "It's closed and the
windows are soaped over. I observed a sign that says it's under
renovation."

     "The city has no record of granting a permit," Sandra said. "There
hasn't been any application for a business license, either. Utilities are
still turned on, though, so there's no doubt that it's occupied."

     Ghost nodded. "I'll notify air support to do an infrared
sweep. Captain Fox, your friends in Intelligence can help you analyze the
body heat patterns."

     "I'll get right on it, Commander," she said. "We'll direct the nearest
recon satellite toward those coordinates to give us regular updates."

     "Good. Meanwhile, I want the traffic patterns noted. Sniper teams,
scout out the adjoining rooftops for vantage points with clear lines of
sight. Set up the parabolic mikes. Trace the power grid for the area. I
want all possible information gathered ASAP. Any questions?"

     The briefing broke up with a minimum of conversation. A sense of
anticipation pervaded the air as the men moved off to their various
duties. Ghost hadn't needed to spell it out. That store in Baltimore could
very well be Boko Haram's base. Whatever they were holding the kid, there
or not was another matter, but setting up the plans for a raid sure beat
waiting around.

     "Hey, O'Brian!"

     At Jack's voice, Finn looked over his shoulder. "What's up, Jack?"

     "I'm all out of chewing gum. You got any?"

     "Nope. Sorry."

     "You sure?" Jack winked. "It sounded as if you had a good supply
yesterday."

     "I hope you change your dressings more often than you change your
jokes. That's one stale." Finn crossed his arms. "Don't you have anything
else to do, like dull a scalpel or mark a deck of playing cards?"

     "No, I did that yesterday." Jack glanced at Abe. "Want to trade
baby-sitting detail for surveillance duty? You've been on it long enough."

     "No deal. These are the commander's orders. I buddy the civilian."

     "Sure, but we all thought he'd be home by now."

     "Murphy had other ideas."

     "Abe called in sick to work this morning. If the principal at his
school doesn't believe him, he might need a medical certificate to back up
his absence." Jack paused. "I should offer him my services. I'd enjoy
giving him a thorough physical."

     "Back off, Jack."

     "Down, son. What are you so cranky about? Has Abe been running away
from you again?"

     "Leave him alone."

     "Are you?"

     "That's none of your business."

    "You haven't made a secret out of it. We can all see what's going on."

     Nothing is going on. Abe's a decent man."

     "Uh-huh. Like I thought, he's not your type."

     Finn said nothing. He couldn't argue with that.

     Jack moved off to the area where the equipment was stored. Finn could
tell by Jack's stride that he was as eager as the other men to go into
action. He hadn't been serious about trading duties. He had just said that
to needle Finn.

     Normally Finn would have jumped at the opportunity to change
assignments. He thrived on action, and the raid on the base would be a
chance to kick some serious ass. Now that he knew where Abe stood about
sex, being around him was only going to lead to more frustration. Abe
wanted love. Marriage. He wasn't exactly the poster boy for either.

     "Finn?"

     Abe had approached while he had been stewing about Jack. Finn took a
moment to study him up close.

     Although Sandra had told him that Abe had slept practically the whole
time since he had left him on his cot yesterday, he still looked
stressed. The tension of the mission and his emotional outburst of the day
before were taking their toll. Abe's lips appeared pinched. Dark smudges
shadowed the skin beneath his eyes. Yet his gaze was clear and determined
as he met Finn's.

     Abe wasn't shrinking back from the confidences he disclosed
yesterday. Finn respected him for that. In an odd way he even respected him
for his celibacy – for a man as passionate as Abe to abstain from sex
would take an impressive amount of inner strength.

     That could be part of the reason why Abe threw himself into his other
relationships so completely and why he was so close to his family. It could
be why he loved kids so much and had chosen a profession like teaching. He
had to have some outlet for his natural warmth and generosity.

     But if Abe ever decided to channel his passion into sex... Oh man, he
would be something. He kissed without holding back. He had responded so
readily to Finn's touch, how would he have reacted if they had gone
farther? What would it be like to have Abe naked on a bed, looking up at
him with his gaze hot and his mouth curved into one of those intriguing
private smiles?

     No man had touched Abe in eight years. Despite all the reasons against
it, the thought wouldn't go away. It roused something primitive and
possessive deep inside him.

     "I'd like to go to the Nigerian Embassy today," Abe said.

     Finn clamped a lid on his libido and shook his head. "That's not a
good idea."

     "I want to see the Ibrus."

     "Abe, there's no reason to put yourself through that. I know you feel
bad about what happened but..."

     "This isn't about me, Finn," he said. "All along, this hasn't been
about anything other than Matthew. His parents haven't told anyone what
happened. They are going through this on their own."

     "It's tough for them, but it's their choice. They know what's at
stake. With the high-level diplomacy that's happen between the President
and our government, the need for secrecy is vital. Boko Haram wants to do
as much damage they can to the Nigerian government."

     "Yes, I realize that, and if word got back to Nigeria that the
President's nephew was kidnapped in America, public opinion could be
manipulated against closer ties with the West, but it's not the global
implications that concern me."

     "No? Why am I not surprised?" Finn muttered.

     "Think about it, Finn. The Ibru haven't even told the rest of the
embassy staff about the kidnapping. They are in a strange country,
thousands of miles from their home, separated from their family and their
friends with no one they can trust I want to go there to offer my support."

     Once more Finn noted the signs of fatigue on Abe's face and the
determination in his eyes. He had been frightened yesterday, but he had
still been willing to risk his safety by delivering the ransom. Now he was
willing to open his heart to strangers.

     Abe was a hell of a man. Stuart really had been a fool for running
away.

     "I don't expect you to come with me," he said. "I saw that you were
uncomfortable last time, so I can get there on my own."

     Finn didn't want to acknowledge the feeling that stirred to life
inside him. Because in all the years that Finn had been a soldier, he had
never considered himself a coward.