Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 18:24:53 -0400
From: Kayakerfl1 <Kayakerfl1@comcast.net>
Subject: Reese Part II of III

Reese (Part II)
By: Holloway
Copyright: 2003 Holloway H.

This is a work of fiction with an adult theme.  I look forward to hearing
your thoughts on the story: Frontrnrusa@netscape.net

I heard from Alex a month later, he was home and working on his high school
diploma, said he wanted to meet someone and settle down, and he thanked me
for getting him going in the right direction.  I smiled as I read the rest
of the letter then put it in my pocket to be answered later.  The chill of
winter was already in the air.  The fields had been turned up and some
mornings you could see frost clinging to clumps of earth.  I sat on the
porch in the chilled air, a haze hung over the land like a bride's veil it
was beautiful.  My cup of coffee steamed in the cool air, the way a day
like this made me feel was almost too much joy.  I went from feeling cursed
just four years ago to being blessed the way I was this morning.  God and I
had talked a lot since Vietnam, I knew he loved me he knew I loved and
needed him to survive all the days of my life.  I prayed every night to
find someone to love in my life.  Alex called and wrote constantly, I cared
for him as a friend, but there was nothing more I could give him.  Since he
had left three months ago I hadn't touched another person.  Every week I
saw Brad at the feed store, he looked a little thinner and a little more
lost.  We'd talk like we use to and then he'd just drift a way.  I offered
to buy him dinner each time we talked but he'd make an excuse.

Thursday morning was as beautiful as all the other days this month.  I was
out in the barn getting ready to feed pigs, opening their feed bin I
noticed almost a sour smell to their grain, I looked in the bin and in the
back corner I could see daylight, I reached back and picked up a handful of
soaking wet grain.  I walked outside around the barn to the wall that acted
as the bins back support the clapboard had been chewed away in spots
allowing the grain to trickle out and the rain to get in and sour almost
200 pounds of grain.  I went around to my tool shed and got a hammer and
some other tools then returned to the barn and pulled the siding that had
been damaged off.  I shoveled the grain out, whatever had been chewing on
the siding would have a hay day when they returned, free food.  I put a
temporary piece of tin up and drove into town to the hardware store.  By
now I knew everyone, most of the town had helped on my house, it was
customary to talk about crops and what had been going on.  I told Dwight
the hardware store owner what had happened, knowing the town would soon be
aware.  He told me I'd have to either shoot or trap whatever the varmint
was otherwise I'd be repairing the barn all the time.

He helped me put my supplies in the truck, I paid him, shook his hand and
was about to leave when he ask me a question that shocked me.  "You going
to the foreclosure on Brad's farm?"

I looked at him stunned, "foreclosure?"

"Yep, seems he's refused to pay to keep the place, ever since that wife of
his run off he ain't been good for nothing."

I thanked Dwight and headed to the feed store, I needed to replenish the
grain that had spoiled.  When I walked in Brad looked like hell, since it
was already late in the day I loaded the grain in the truck and waited for
him to close up, he looked at me like I should leave.  I didn't, "Brad, get
this place closed up and then you're coming home with me."

Brad looked at me angrily, "no, I'm not good company."

"I wasn't asking, I was telling, if we're friends then you'll come along,
if not I think I'm probably still strong enough to force you."

Brad, looked in my face, "you would, wouldn't you?"

"Count on it."  I replied.

He locked up the store and rode with me in the truck home.  He helped me
unload the truck and repair the siding on the barn, the entire time we
didn't say two words.  We put everything away when we were finished, then
fed the animals before going in the house.  I got us both a beer and
returned to the den.

Brad was looking around, "you've got a real nice place."

I smiled at him, "thanks."

He sat down, put his head back, and closed his eyes, I stared at him and
decided it was either tonight or never.  I watched as he finished his beer,
"let's go, we both need a shower, and then I'll get you to help me fix
dinner."

He smiled for the first time in months, "okay."

He followed me upstairs, "you want to flip to see who gets the first
shower?"

He laughed, "You go ahead it's your house."  Brad sat on the bed and looked
around, I became bold and undressed while we were talking, standing in only
my boxers he stared at me "Josh does your arm still hurt?"

I walked over to him, extended my arm, and showed him the muscles
underneath and how strong the arm had gotten from me working on the farm.
He didn't let go of my arm he just looked up in my face, and never said a
word.  He slowly dropped his hand to his knee.  I jumped in the shower I
hurried so there would be hot water left for Brad.  I called Brad as I
stepped out of the shower to dry off, he didn't answer, I wrapped the towel
around my waist and walked back into the bedroom.  He was asleep on the
edge of the bed, wearing only his boxers.  I stared at him, his body was
almost smooth, his arms were well defined, and even though I could see his
ribs, I also saw the gentle ripple of his abdomen.  I cared for him a great
deal, something inside of me told me Brad and I could make a go of it, with
one problem, he was straight, or at the least he was married.  I walked
over reached down and shook his shoulder his eyes opened slowly and he
looked up at me. "If you're tired I can let you sleep."

"No, thanks anyway Josh I need to get a shower before dinner."

I walked over and started dressing, while he got cleaned up.

I was down in the kitchen fixing dinner, when Brad walked in looking a lot
more relaxed than I had seen him in weeks.  He sat at the counter and
watched me fixing dinner, "Josh aren't you lonely living here by yourself?"

I smiled at him, "yeah, but I've never had a family or anyone else, doesn't
make it any less lonely just makes it bearable."

Brad was playing with a fork on the counter, I ask him to hold the colander
in the sink for me, the steam rose as I poured the pasta into the strainer,
Brad looked at me.  "Josh, I'm not letting my farm go, I'm going to take
care of it in the morning.  The problem is you I don't want to live alone
anymore.  I'd like us to be roommates, whatever is going on with the two of
us is going to make us crazy if we don't figure it out."

My eyes stared at the rising steam, my heart was beating ninety to nothing,
"Brad, you want me to be straight forward with you?"

"Yeah, I hope you can always say what's on your mind."

"Brad, two things, I'm pretty sure I'm queer and I'm almost certain I have
feelings for you.  I've been with one person in my life and I've never been
in love with anyone."  The minute those words passed my mouth I figured I'd
scared the hell out of him and he'd be out of here like a light.

"Listen Josh, you're a kid, and I'm not sure what I feel for you.  I know
every time I'm around you I feel the need to protect you, if that makes me
queer okay, I'll deal with it. I've thought about sex, but I'm not ready,
not yet, when it happens or if it happens I want to be sure.  Now when can
I move in?"  Brad stood up and hugged me, and whispered in my ear, "I can
do this you know, anytime you need a hug let me know."  He had me laughing
before we sat down to dinner, Brad wanted to move in the next morning, he
agreed to pay half of everything, he said he didn't want to take advantage
of me yet with a wink of his eye.  After dinner we watched television
before hitting the sack.  We slept together Brad held me in his arms.
Before the sun came up I was in the kitchen making breakfast, Brad ran down
stairs and got a seat at the table, the look on his face told me he was
happy, "Josh, last night made me happy, probably happier than I've been in
years.  I want so badly to wrap you up and keep you safe with me, but I
know I can't.  Last night when you were asleep, I watched you, I traced
your face, ran my fingers through your hair and felt something I've never
even dreamed of feeling."

Oil was popping in the overheated pan I removed it from the stove top,
"Brad what about Mary Ellen?"

"The sad thing is I realize now I was never in love with Mary Ellen, there
was always something missing, with you I don't feel empty inside.  Mary
Ellen filed for divorce, I'm glad.  I'm putting my farm up for sale, no
need to have two farms, if things don't work out with us you'll have a
permanent roommate."

The farm felt alive we were the beginning of a family.  After some over
hard, well-done eggs, sausage and toast, we headed to the feed store.
Opening the feed store was work, Brad opened the bays and I built up
several displays of feed, before the front door even opened people were
waiting at the bays to get seed.  Most everybody was a neighbor and spoke
to Brad or kidded me about working in the feed store.  Brad's eyes were on
me every chance and we managed to touch each other in passing the entire
morning.  Before noon, Brad ask me to watch the store while he took care of
some business, it had slowed down since most farmers were out in the fields
by this time of day.

Around 1pm Brad returned all smiles, he held two bags of take out we sat
behind the counter and ate.  "I've taken the farm out of foreclosure.  I
paid the mortgage up to date along with late fees, I also put it up for
sale."  His face was beaming, "Josh I feel so happy."

"Me too," my hand covered his.  Over the next three weeks the two of us
sorted through everything on his farm, we cleaned and priced each item to
be sold in the auction.  My mind told me this was his heritage being sold
when I spoke to him about it he reminded me the farm was his history with
Mary Ellen, not his family.

"Cold, that's all I can say, it's cold out here.  I didn't figure many
people would come around in this weather for an auction."

Brad stared at the neighbor complaining about the cold, "George people will
stand in boiling water for a good deal."  George shook his head and walked
over to the side of the barn out of the wind.  I was frozen from moving
farm implements and tools outside, my shirt was wet from sweat and once
outside it turned cold.  Brad came around the front of the barn I didn't
see him but he stood just out of my sight watching me, I eventually spotted
him and he came toward me, a serious look on his face, my first thought was
what now.  "Josh, we've been roommates almost two months."  The way he said
it I thought okay so now he'll be moving on but instead he pushed me in the
barn and closed the door behind me.  He had me pinned against the closed
door, "as I was saying we've been roommates," he held me tight for a
moment, then he looked in my eyes, "Josh, I'm happy."  I held him so tight
I thought I might crack his ribs.  Brad ran his hand up my back and into my
hair before kissing the top of my head, "let's get finished with today so
we can go home."  I shook my head and we began moving stuff out of the barn
again.  People started looking at everything around 8am, by 10:30 the place
was standing room only, right on the dot the Auctioneer began selling each
item or lot, the bids were better than either Brad or I had expected.  The
day went slowly as everything sold had to be moved. By the end of the
auction nothing remained.  Even the farm had sold for a better price than
Brad had hoped.  With all the paperwork signed, we headed home, Brad kept
one hand on the wheel and one on my shoulder, we were very happy.  Pizza
for dinner seemed in order and after a detour to the nearest Pizza place we
were headed home.

About six miles from our farm an ambulance passed us, sirens screaming into
the dusk.  Another two minutes and we spotted the ambulance up at the
Eden's Farm.  Brad pulled up their driveway to see if he could assist.  The
Eden's were a young foreign family with several children of various ages.
Brad went in the house and came back out, his face pale as a ghost, one of
the kids feel in the pond, when they got him out he wasn't breathing.
Something called me I went into the house, walked to the back porch a boy
no more than 6 laid on the floor blue and lifeless.  Firemen were trying to
resuscitate him without luck the boy's mother looked at me and without
moving her lips ask me to save her child.  I moved to the side of the boy
opposite the firemen and lifted his hand.  His palm was cold and wet.  I
looked down into the small face, his eyes unseeing blood beginning to
trickle from his nose.  It was very dark, I found it hard to breathe, cold
water was filling my lungs and I became frightened but I held to his hand,
a huge jolt went through my body and I felt like I was being electrocuted,
my hand glowed.  No one noticed my hand and everyone continued to work like
I wasn't even near the boy.  After another jolt almost knocked me over, the
boy began to breath and cough, his eyes focused slowly, he looked at me and
smiled weakly, "thank you."  Everyone looked at the boy astonished.

I got up and walked over to Brad, he took my arm and led me back to the
truck, the minute I settled in the front seat, Brad put his arm around my
neck and pulled me to him, "you saved the little boy, I saw what happened."
He kissed the top of my head, "let's get home and eat before our Pizza gets
too cold."  I must have fallen asleep in the truck Brad woke me by trying
to get me out of the truck and into the house without waking me.

I looked in his face, "thank you."

He smiled.  I sat in the den while Brad did all the preparations he brought
me a coke and some Pizza then we sat beside each other and ate dinner.

What I had always feared happened, someone had spoken to the newspaper
about the little boy and now everyone was interested in me, saying I had
special powers and so on.  I talked to a reporter for the local paper and
told him what happened, leaving out anything to do with my part in his
recovery, all I had done was hold his hand the firemen saved him.  The
reporter seemed disappointed by my side of the story and Brad's
corroboration. It became a joke over the next few weeks at the feed store,
but I could sense the way people looked at me like there might be some
truth to the whole story.  I think it was a month that had passed during
the night I dreamed of going to church, I felt drawn to church I hadn't
been since I was about 11 years old.  I didn't say anything to Brad I
waited until lunch the following day and made an excuse to travel into a
neighboring town.  I drove around until I found an old church, Saint
Mark's.  I parked on the side and walked around front the doors were open,
I had forgotten noon mass was still held.  I walked in the door and the
jolt almost knocked me to the floor.  I hurriedly sat in the back pew,
pulled out the kneeler and knelt, clasping my hands and praying.  My eyes
were drawn to the large Crucifix hanging over the main altar Jesus was
almost my size.  I looked at him and I felt helpless, I thought about what
I would have done had I been there when they crucified him.  I always
expected Jesus to open his eyes and look at me and tell me all the things I
had done wrong and command me to be a better more Christian like person.
Instead today I heard familiar voice, "Josh you are loved, use your gift
with love and in grace, I'm am with you even unto the ends of the earth."
My head remained bowed as I talked to God about all the things in my heart
and somehow I knew he understood.

By the time I was on my way back to the feed store almost three hours had
passed I knew Brad would be frantic.  I stopped and called him from a
filling station, he wasn't happy I was so late but he was glad to know I
was okay.  I made the turn through town and was passing the hospital when I
heard my name, I kept driving and I heard my name again, this time more
urgent.  I turned the truck around and parked in the hospital lot.  I
walked to the entrance and heard my name again I followed the calling until
I came to a room the voice was inside.  A red sign was taped to the door,
'Infectious Area - wear appropriate protection, see nurses desk before
entering.'  I walked over to the desk and a young woman in a white uniform
smiled, "may I help you?"

"Yes, I'm here to see the person in room 6B."

She smiled, "wonderful he's not had a single visitor since he arrived."
She walked me over to what appeared to be a closet, she opened the door and
pulled a handful of protective clothing items and helped me get dressed.
She checked me over, led me to the door and opened it slowly, I walked
inside hurriedly as instructed and she pushed the door shut behind me.

I looked around the room was full of medical machinery, I got nearer the
bed and was finally able to make out a boy probably a year or two younger
than me.  He was starvation thin, no color to his skin, his breathing was
labored and a machine pumped fresh oxygen into his body through his nose.
The nurse had told me not to touch him, but I couldn't help myself.  I
gently put my hand on his forehead and smoothed his hair, his eyes opened
and he looked up trying to smile, "Josh, you're here."

I smiled down at him and nodded, his eyes closed, my hand glowed steadily,
I didn't experience anything, the boy didn't improve, he remained ill.  I
pulled my hand off his forehead and placed it once again on his forehead,
he opened his eyes, "Josh, you can't save those whom God has chosen."  My
eyes began to tear I sat with him for hours until a steady whistle from the
machine signified his death and his beginning.  Outside the night was
chilly I hurried to the feed store.  Brad waited patiently in the office,
doing paperwork he looked up when I entered.  I sat down on the sofa, he
walked over and looked in my face, the sadness I was feeling made me cry,
he sat down next to me and held me as I told him the story of what had
happened that day.  He listened and let me interpret each event.  His touch
soothed me, we headed home I helped peel potatoes in the kitchen while Brad
fixed two steaks on the grill.  He opened the icebox and pulled out a beer
for him and coke for me, I could feel him looking at me something was on
his mind.

I turned around with a smile on my face, "everything okay?"

He smiled, "yes and no, but we'll talk more later, after dinner."  It was a
blessing Brad was a good cook otherwise I'd probably have been responsible
for our food poisoning.  Dinner finished and the kitchen clean Brad took my
hand and led me to the den.  He let go of my hand by the sofa, I sat down
he sat in the overstuffed chair across from me.  I knew it was going to be
bad news, I felt it so deeply I almost shuddered, then I asked myself why
should it be different now?  Brad looked at me for a moment then looked
down at his shoes as he talked, "Josh, I care for you more than I've ever
cared for anyone in my life.  You're my best friend, and if I were
different I'd settle down with you and consider myself lucky.  The problem
is, I see you as a little brother or even a son who needs protecting, the
few times I've thought of you any other way, it just didn't make sense to
me.  I'm sorry."  He looked up at me for a second and continued, "I'm
leaving in two days, I'm heading to California, a girl I knew in college
has asked me to come out for a while, I've got enough money for everything
I'll need.  Here this is for you for everything you've done for me, you
saved my life."

He handed me a check, I unfolded the check, he had written it for fifteen
thousand, I looked at him, "why Brad?"

He tried to smile, "you never know one day I may need your help, I need to
do this please."

I looked at his face his expression so sincere I smiled and thanked him.

He stood up and looked out the front window, "there's one more
thing. Here."

He handed me some documents showing him and I as the owner of the Feed
Store, I looked at him, "You're crazy."

He smiled, "I told you before you mean more to me than you'll ever know,
we're partners and now we'll always be partners."  He walked over and
pulled me into a bear hug against him, he kissed the top of my head, "I
love you Josh, I'm sorry it can't be in a way that we both need it to be."
He was warm and comfortable I stayed next to him for several minutes.  Two
days passed quickly, Brad and I spent most of the time in the feed store,
showing me the ropes of ordering and so on, I also knew I'd be able to call
him if I needed assistance.  The morning of his departure, the sky was
clear blue, just a slight chill, unusual for a winter morning.  We packed
his truck, had breakfast and walked to the front door to say goodbye.  I
looked at Brad and I was determined not to cry, all the years of hurt were
finally turning hard inside of me.  Brad smiled, "Josh, I love you buddy,
I'll call you as soon as I get there.  You've been the best..." He began to
cry, "I'm going to miss you so much I feel my heart breaking."

I pulled him to me and held him gently, I placed my hand on the back of his
neck, the warmth and knowledge this would be the last time I would hold him
almost brought me to tears.  I kissed his cheek and said, "Brad you'll be
sun tanned and chasing all those chicks, you won't have time to worry about
me."

He squeezed me tighter "I'll always worry about you, always."  He wiped his
eyes with the back of his hand.  I walked to the truck with him and waited
until he was behind the wheel, I pulled out a box and handed it to him, he
looked me in the face, then opened the box, inside was a watch, engraved on
the back, the date we met.  He looked at me I put my finger to my lips.  He
started the truck and pulled away slowly, waving as he drove out of sight.
I would have liked nothing better than to have gone inside the house and
felt sorry for myself but I had to open the feed store, by 6am the bays
were open the displays set and I greeted the morning's customers.  Everyone
asked about Brad, by the end of the day I had told the story so many times
the sound of it was tiring.

Brad called over the weekend, he'd arrived safely, he gave me his address
and phone and told me all about where he lived and the things they had done
so far, said he was looking for work.  I asked him about Sandy the girl he
was living with, and he replied she's really nice and made him feel
comfortable.  He told me once again how much he missed me and we ended our
conversation saying we'd talk again soon.  We talked about every two months
or so, mostly about the weather here and Sandy there, he was happy and by
the tone of his voice I knew he'd never return here.

Almost a year had passed, I was almost 24, and the loneliness I felt inside
was eating at me like a cancer.  Alex called several times and it took all
my strength not to ask him to visit, even when he offered I told him now
wasn't a good time.  I put a sign in the feed store window, I needed to
hire some help.  A few of the local farm boys came around to inquire about
the job until they found out what the hours were, none of them could afford
to miss school so they all walked away.

On Tuesday night, February 13 I couldn't sleep, I tossed and turned.
Around 2:30am the phone screamed in it's cradle I grabbed the receiver and
heard the sound of someone crying on the other end I couldn't make out who
or what was being said.  After a few minutes the caller gathered some
composure, "Josh, this is Sandy," she began to cry.  "Brad's gone."

I knew she could hear the fear in my voice, "what do you mean he's gone."
I was sure he had left her.

"He's been killed in an automobile accident on the way home from work."

I dropped the phone, it took me a minute to pick it up I felt like I was in
shock.  At the same minute my mind went into gear, I reached down and
picked up the receiver, "Sandy, I'll be there in the morning, do you have
someone that can stay with you?"

She continued to cry, "yes."

"Good, call them and ask them to stay with you until I arrive."  I replied.
I hung up and called the airline making the next available flight.  I
called Mr. Eden and asked him to watch over the farm while I was out, I
drove to the feed store and put a notice in the window closed due to death.
As I was leaving the store, I looked around, I could feel Brad with me, I
knew he'd never leave me.  Within hours I arrived at the Airport in San
Francisco, I caught a cab to Sandy's house.  When I arrived she had a
friend with her, the minute she saw me she began to cry again.  I held her
in my arms trying to comfort her, she looked in my eyes, "Brad loved you so
much he was proud of you and all you've done for yourself in another week
he would have been safe back on the farm."

I felt the beginning of tears in my eyes, "Sandy where is Brad?"

"The coroner's office called this morning and said the funeral home could
pick him up, I don't know what to do."

I tried to smile at her, "I'll handle everything."  I called several
funeral homes in the area since I wasn't direct family they refused the
business.  Finally I was afforded a chance to explain I was a friend trying
to make arrangements for my friend who had died, the man on the other end
said he understood and would be glad to assist.  Late that afternoon the
funeral home called, Brad was already there and would be ready for viewing
in the morning.  I thanked them for everything and began to call his
relatives, it didn't take long, he had been alienated from his family since
Mary Ellen told his family he was queer and his death was like the last
blow, even death couldn't stay their anger with him.  In the morning, I
drove Sandy over to the funeral home, she walked in with me and immediately
went back outside, I followed her, "what is it?"  I asked.

She looked at me, "I can't do this, he was a good friend but I can't."  She
walked away, that was the last time I ever saw her.

I went back inside and met with the funeral director, he led me to Brad,
who was dressed in a dark blue suit, he looked at peace, I could feel the
anger and love boiling inside of me.  The director left me, closing the
door behind him as he walked out.  I put my hand on Brad's forehead, the
room as cool as his skin.  My hand glowed for only a moment, and I could
hear him, "Josh, Josh," he called for me.  I looked at the person I loved
he was eternally asleep.  I felt a sudden rush of wind and knew Brad was
beside me.  I sat in a chair on the front row and could feel him holding my
hand.  His energy flowed into my body like sunlight and I could hear him
talking to me, "Josh please don't be sad, this wasn't planned.  I was
coming home to you in another week, I finally realized that what we had was
enough, I love you and I know you love me, my life was happy because of
you, thank you."  And just as quickly he was gone.  I walked over to the
casket placed my hand on the side of his neck and stroked his hair I bent
forward and kissed him gently on the lips and said goodbye.  I stayed with
Brad until the funeral began, a few people he had met at work arrived,
everyone assumed I was his brother and expressed their sympathies.  The
minister was kind and quick and as soon as the last person left I followed
the funeral director into another room.  Gently they removed Brad's body
from the casket and placed him in what looked like a simple cardboard box,
as they went to place the lid I asked them for one more moment, both men
understood.

I looked at him once again, "I love you."  My fingertips brushed the side
of his face, I stepped away, and they closed the lid on the box.  I watched
as the box was placed on a conveyor and rolled slowly toward the opening of
the cremation chamber.  The door opened, the box rolled in, the door
closed, one of the men looked through a small window to ensure the fire was
going, once checked the small view window was closed and the director
escorted me back upstairs.  I pulled my checkbook out and paid him in full,
he shook my hand, reminding me I was still a very young man and would in
time understand the reason for my loss.  I walked back into the sunlight,
went back to the apartment, Sandy had gone, she left me a note saying she
was staying with friends for a couple of days.  She had packed all of
Brad's things.  I called the airport and made a reservation for the next
morning.  The apartment felt alien I sat in a chair and stared at Brad's
suitcase, I hadn't realized how much time had passed until I heard a knock
at the door, I opened it and the funeral director stood their with a box in
his hand and several pieces of paper.  I ask him in, went to the table, and
signed the forms and returned them to him, he handed me what I would need
to transport Brad back to Texas.

We shook hands "Josh if you ever come this way again, let me know, my
partner and I will show you around town."

I thanked him, I took the box in my hands, sat down, and then it hit me.
Brad was dead, I loved him beyond words, and I held what remained in my
hands, I cried until nothing remained in my body to be shed.  With the
first morning light I gathered my belongings together, placed the box with
his ashes in my bag, and called a taxi.  I arrived at the airport with an
hour to spare, as I went through security I had to show my documents to
transport Brad's ashes, Airport security was respectful and offered their
sympathy.  The flight went quickly, I carried Brad in my arms back to our
farm.  My truck started up immediately and I was home within two hours, the
house was stuffy but it was home.  I turned on the lights, looked around
nothing had changed.  I put my luggage away, carried Brad's things up to
the bedroom but I couldn't go through them now.  I fixed a quick bite to
eat, grabbed a coke and sat in the den and held the box of ashes in my
arms.  "Brad you're home, not the way I would have wanted you to come back.
You made my life so wonderful, the friendship and love you showed me was
the first time I ever felt like I had a family.  I know I told you how I
felt when you were alive, I feel the same way now, always will."  Tears
spilled down my cheeks, I didn't wipe them away these tears were for
someone that I loved they deserved to be shed to show him how important he
was in life and in death.  The first light of morning came through the
windows, after I showered and had breakfast, I fed the animals and then
called the Eden's to thank them for watching the farm they expressed their
sympathy over Brad's death.  Opening the feed store was the hardest part,
when you love someone and lose that person you tend to see him everywhere
in everything you both once did.  Work was a relief, after being closed
four days people were waiting for me to open that morning.  I worked harder
than I had before and I needed to be tired so I didn't think about my loss
so much.  Displays set and bays open farmers began buying seed and grain,
each one asked about the death and each one was shocked to know it was Brad
that had died, their sympathies were real, they had known him, watched him
grow up and now mourned his death.

6pm came quickly, I closed up the store and headed home, and after a quick
shower I sat on the bed dressed only in my boxers and opened Brad's
belongings.  The first item in the box was a shirt Brad loved to wear, his
scent was on the shirt, now I knew how a mother felt when she held the
clothing of her children to her face and knew the scent.  Brad's watch,
financial documents, his will and a letter addressed to me, already in an
envelope, stamped and addressed like it had been meant to be sent.
Gathering everything together and placing them in drawers, the letter
remained on the bedside table.  As I dressed I looked in the mirror, I
looked tired and worn, at 25, I felt much older and very sad.  The letter
stayed beside my bed for more than a week before I had the strength to read
the content, the letter was dated two days before Brad had been killed.

'Dear Josh: Guess what?  I've finally grown up some and I'd like to know if
I could come home to our farm.  I'm sorry I had to put you through all of
this, me going to California and everything, if I hadn't I believe I'd
always have wondered, now I know. I need you in my life and I need to be
close to you.  Every time we talk on the phone I worry about you until we
talk again.  Sandy and I made a go of it, but I discovered something about
myself, when I looked at her it was you in my heart and mind.  I've told
her how I feel about you, she's been very supportive and has helped me
pack.  I have to finish out the rest of the week here at work and I'll be
home on Sunday.  I've got something special for you.  Remember I love you,
I'll call you in a day or two, I'm too excited to call now otherwise you'll
know ahead of time the surprise.  Love you baby, Brad.'

The letter almost floored me, my whole body shook, there were no more tears
left for me to cry.  Brad would have been home and once again we would have
been a family, if only I had been with him I might have saved him.  He
mentioned a surprise, I looked through his belongings once more and in the
coat of his farm jacket I found the surprise.  I opened the small box
containing a simple gold band, folded inside the box was a piece of paper
Brad had scribbled on.

'Josh I love you, you mean the world to me, and I'd like you to be my world
for the rest of our lives.  If you'll have me, I'd like to have the chance
to make you happy.'

I held the ring in my hand turning it over and over in my fingers, slowly
it was held in place on my finger, "yes Brad, I love you."

The morning was cold it was barely 4am and the stars twinkled in the cool
air. Wearing gloves and a heavy jacket I lifted the box of ashes and walked
into the fields, and opened the box and sprinkled some of his ashes on the
upturned earth, "Brad fly free and never forget I love you."  As I neared
the swing and the pond, the remainder of his ashes were committed to the
earth, looking up to the heavens, I cried out to God in anguish, "Why God,
why Brad?"  The exhaustion was the best tonic, my anger wasn't with God it
was with myself, I was angry with the knowledge that at 25 I was alone and
knowing Brad was gone made me afraid once again to survive this world.

Death doesn't stop you from loving someone and after almost seven months
and another Birthday my love for Brad was the most important aspect of my
life.  Even in death Brad was my driving force, the reason I got up every
morning and opened the feed store, the reason I was able to keep going.  My
body was telling me it was near exhaustion, no one had applied for the
position as an assistant.  Removing the sign from the window, I called the
Veteran's Center and listed the job on the base for anyone that might be
retiring.  I offered to give them a temporary place to stay at my farm
until they could get on their feet.  Another two months passed before I
finally got a call.

The voice on the other end of the receiver sounded angry, "This is Gunnery
Sergeant Marvin, I'm retiring next month and I read your ad in the job
center on base.  I've got a couple of questions.  First it says you'll
offer temporary quarters?"

"Yes, that's correct, unless you've got a lot of family coming with you
then you'll have to make other arrangements, this is only a three bedroom
two bath farm."  I replied.

"No sir, no family, just me.  And what about the pay?"  He kind of growled.

"Gunny, it ain't much, if you're looking to make a killing here you won't.
It will be minimum wage at first and if things work out we can look at
increasing your salary based on your abilities to sell seed."

He cleared his throat, "I don't like children, so I'll find another place
to stay, but I'm interested in the job.  One last question, are you a
Veteran?"

I could hear a slight anger in my voice, "There aren't any children here,
if you decide to stay here until you get on your feet you'll have to help
me keep the place clean.  I'm a Veteran, Purple Heart Vietnam, 100%
disability."

The tone of his voice changed, "I'm sorry for sounding so rough but
civilians sometimes screw you around."

I laughed, "Okay, I understand, how about this Saturday afternoon you drive
down I'll show you around, and we'll see if we can work together?"

"Will do, see you Saturday."

I hadn't thought about Saturday until that morning.  I pulled up to the
feed store and a truck was already parked outside.  I opened my door and
walked toward the store, the other driver got out of his truck and called
to me, "Josh?"  I turned around, he jogged over and extended his hand,
"Josh, I'm Kerry, sorry, Gunny Marvin."

I smiled he wasn't the Bull Dog I was expecting.  He wasn't any taller than
I was but he appeared muscular, short blonde hair and bright brown eyes, he
had an easy smile and his voice had lost that initial meanness he had on
the phone.  I shook his hand, "You're early but I'm glad you're here, come
on."  The two of us opened the feed store he worked as hard as I did only
faster.  When the first customer came up he, introduced himself and began a
conversation with the farmer, they shook hands before the farmer left.  I
was impressed, he was really likeable, the customers enjoyed his stories
and he enjoyed listening to them, plus him being a Marine really impressed
a lot of the customers.  Before noon I drove over and picked up fast food,
while I was gone Kerry watched the store.  It was quiet when I returned, we
sat behind the counter and ate, Kerry talked about his pending retirement.
He was 36 would be 37 in another month right before his retirement date.
He asked about me and I told him everything to a point.  When 1pm hit we
began closing up, I offered to pay him but he refused, "Josh do I have the
job?"

I looked at him, "If you still want it, definitely."

He smiled, "So I can count on having a job and a place to stay in a month."

"I'll hold the job for you.  I'll tell you what if you want you can follow
me back to the farm and see where you'll be living, stay the night if you
want.  Can you cook?"

Kerry smiled, "I love cooking."

I laughed, "great we're going to be friends in no time."

Kerry followed me to the farm.  We walked the fields, fed the animals
together then headed to the house.  Kerry picked which bedroom he wanted
and got settled for the evening, I showered and went downstairs and got two
beers, when he came downstairs, he smiled, "where's the kitchen."  I showed
him around downstairs and finally to the kitchen.  I sat at the table and
handed him what he asked for or showed him where things were.  When
everything was said and done we sat down to a basic meat and potatoes
dinner that tasted wonderful.  We talked and joked about work and the farm,
he was just the company I needed to get out of the slump I'd been in.
Early the next morning, Kerry was up and feeding the animals when I got to
the barn, we finished together then walked back into the kitchen, where he
had already fixed pancakes.  We ate then carried our coffee onto the front
porch he looked around. "The farm is beautiful and quiet.  I hope you won't
be getting married anytime soon and throwing me out."

I looked at him, "No not me.  You can have friends in whenever you want
just give me a heads up and I'll stay out of your way."

Kerry looked at me, "thanks."  He spent the rest of the day working with me
on small repair jobs that farms always seemed to need.  He looked at his
watch, "I'm going to get cleaned up and head back to base."  I waved and he
walked off toward the house, I kept at it until I was finished with the
repairs on the barn, about an hour or so later, Kerry walks back out to the
barn, all cleaned up again.  "Josh, come on in dinners ready."

He walked back to the house, after the tools were put away I washed off out
back then went through the back door in to the kitchen, the table was set,
"Kerry dinner smells wonderful, thank you."

He smiled sheepishly, it was the first time in two days I'd seen him not
hard acting, "you're welcome now lets sit down and eat."  We were both
tired so we took our time at the table, Kerry mentioned several things he'd
like to get done, and I agreed it would make things easier if we could get
all the repairs out of the way.  "Josh, would you mind if I start bringing
my belonging up next weekend, then I could help you with the feed store on
Saturday and the repairs on Sunday."

My key ring held several keys, I pulled two of them off and handed them to
Kerry, "here's a key to the house and one to the store."  He took the key
and put them in his pocket.

After dinner I went upstairs and took a shower, when I walked back down,
Kerry had cleaned up the kitchen and was waiting for me, "listen I've got
to leave, I'll see you again next weekend, and thanks for everything I'm
looking forward to retiring now."

I had to smile at that, "well I'm looking forward to the help at the store
and to having some company around here."  We shook hands I walked out on
the porch and waved as he drove off.  Just having someone around for the
two days made the house alive again, and I missed having someone to talk
to.  Friday, afternoon, Kerry showed up at the shop ready to work and had
brought lunch with him.  In between customers we ate and talked, he told me
everything about him and I told him a lot about me, he was interested in my
tour in Vietnam, it wasn't something I had shared with anyone but Brad.
Each time his question went in that direction I changed the subject I knew
he was aware I was doing just that and stopped asking.  After the store
closed he invited me to dinner, I told him about the diner in town, he
drove us over.

We got a both in the back where it was quiet and we talked, I asked him
about his family, "Josh ain't much to tell, I grew up in the Boy's Home,
graduated from High School and joined the Marines' the next day, never had
any family."

His forehead wrinkled just a little and I became curious, "you never
married?"

"No, traveling around in the military doesn't make for a good family life.
I couldn't see putting myself though that much less someone I loved."
Nodding my head in agreement, I understood what he meant.  "Okay, Josh,
let's see you're 26, own your home, have a business, no family and you've
never been married, why?"

I hated feeling like I was being put in a corner, "never met anyone I loved
enough to get married."

The waitress interrupted his next question "Hey Josh, who is this you've
got with you?"

"Nancy this is Kerry, he's a Marine over at the base, he works with me at
the feed store."  I replied.

She stopped taking our order, "we were all real sorry when Brad died we all
know you two were real close."

I felt suddenly sick I took a deep breath and looked up at her, "thank
you."

Kerry looked at me but didn't say a word, he continued ordering he looked
over at me and then ordered for me too.  When Nancy walked away he stood
up, "you want to walk outside and get some air?"

"No I'll be all right."  He sat back down and we found a subject and began
talking ninety to nothing.  After taking me back to the store to get my
truck, we didn't get back to the farm until almost 10pm.  We unloaded
Kerry's belongings for the next hour then I walked out and bedded the
animals.  Around midnight I hit the bed, I was tired, I had just closed my
eyes, when Kerry knocked on the door.  I reached over and turned on the
light not thinking about having no shirt on, I yelled, "come in."

Kerry walked in as I was standing up, he looked at my face and then he
looked at my arm and the scars on my body, "Josh, I didn't know you'd been
hurt that bad."

There wasn't any sympathy in his voice only concern, "doesn't matter Kerry
not anymore."

"The reason I knocked was to ask about some towels for the bathroom."

"I can't believe I forgot them, here take these."  I handed him three
towels from the bathroom cupboard.

"Thanks Josh."  He began to smile, "I'm sorry but you look like a 16 year
old boy in those boxers."

We both started to laugh, "I like you too," I replied.

He walked out still laughing and closed the door behind him.  Early the
next morning after breakfast we opened the store, afternoon we closed the
store and began working on the repairs around the farm.  Kerry convinced me
to repaint the house with his help, I agreed for the week after his
retirement.

Sunday after dinner Kerry was set to leave, he had been acting like he
wanted to ask me something, "Josh, do you think you could come to my
retirement?  I don't have anyone coming and I'd like it if you would since
we've become friends."

"Thank you, I'm honored, I'll be there."

I arrived for Kerry's retirement early, and was given a tour then Kerry
caught up with me.  He was dressed in his blues, the minute I saw him I got
a lump in my throat he looked like a poster boy.  He escorted me to the
guest section as the retirement began.  As soon as the customary parts of
the retirement were out of the way, Kerry stepped up to say a few words.
He stood tall at the dais and talked for a few minutes.  Finally, he looked
at me, while talking to the Marines standing at parade rest and said, "If
you can find something worth all your time and effort after you retire
you'll be as happy as I am."  I was glad he felt that way about the farm
and his job.  With a couple salutes and the piping of a boson's Whistle
Kerry was now a retired Marine.  He walked over to me, I shook his hand, he
put his hand on my elbow and directed me to a buffet, I fixed a plate and
found a place to sit Kerry sat next to me, his face a constant smile.
After the luncheon I walked with him to personnel where he was issued a
retired identification card, he changed clothes in the bathroom as I held
his uniform, he stripped, I glanced at his body he was well built and
healthy, I made sure he didn't see me looking.  He dressed quickly into his
regular clothes then put his uniform on hangars and we were on our way home
as Kerry now called it.  After unpacking his things he said he had
something to show me.

I walked outside to his truck, he opened the passenger door and behind the
seat were several gallons of paint, he smiled, "I hope you didn't think I'd
forget."

I shook my head, "no I didn't think you would."

He broke up laughing.

Over the next several months we settled into a routine with home life and
work, Kerry was as solitary a person as I was and we kept each other
company.  Saturday night we usually went in to town to the movies, it broke
up the week and caused us to eat out.  We were headed into a local
restaurant when we heard tires squeal, everyone on the sidewalk stopped I
heard a thud and then screaming.  Kerry ran toward the car, I followed as
quickly as possible.  A crumpled bicycle lay in the street and still
partially under the car was a young man in a business suit probably in his
early twenties.  A lady stood shining a flashlight at the ground as Kerry
and several other men moved the car off the boy.  I looked into his eyes a
film of blood was already coloring the white part of the eye.  His head
poured blood on to the pavement as everyone waited for the ambulance to
arrive the side of his head was badly damaged.  I knelt down next to him
and put my hand on his forehead, I felt a steady jolt run the entire
outline of my body, my hand glowed, slowly the eyes cleared and the flow of
blood almost stopped.  The side of his head repaired itself before my eyes,
the young boy looked up at me, putting his hand on my arm, "God Bless you."
A smile crossed my lips and I moved away, Kerry looked at me, I could tell
he knew I had done something but wasn't sure what, everyone else just
figured he hadn't been hurt that badly.  I told the boy to remain where he
was until the hospital checked him out, I never opened my mouth to utter
those words only thought them but he heard me.

Kerry walked over, "seems he's all right you ready for the dinner."

We walked away.  Dinner was good and the movie was fun.  On the way home I
could feel something going on with Kerry, "what's wrong."

He looked over at me, "this is going to sound pretty stupid, but, when I
saw that kid lying in the street tonight, it scared the heck out of me, I
kept thinking what if it had been you, I know that sounds stupid."

"No it doesn't, I appreciate knowing you worry about me, I thought I was
the only one that worried." I replied.

"You worry about me?"

"Sure do."  In the dark of the truck cab I saw the smile on his face.

The farm was looking new with all the improvements we were doing, Kerry was
an excellent carpenter and was just as good a teacher, I was learning a
lot.  We finished the last of our projects before the first snow, that
night it was cold enough to ice up the ladder.  Stupid me didn't pay any
attention and when I went to collect the hammer I had left hanging on the
shutter, I fell from the ladder.  Kerry heard the commotion and ran outside
he saw me lying on the ground and I swear I thought he was going to have a
stroke. He ran over and picked me and carried me in the house, sitting me
on the sofa in the den while he phoned the doctor.  He carried me outside
to his truck and then to the hospital, I had to tell him several times to
slow down.  After several hours and a couple x-rays the doctor confirmed
the leg was broken and would have to be cast for five weeks.  I hated the
thought of being stuck in a cast.  My blue jeans had been cut up the side
to accommodate the cast once it was dry I was allowed to leave with a
return appointment for three weeks.  Kerry helped me in the truck and once
back at the house he helped me into the den.  He elevated my leg on the
hassock while he fixed dinner.  Over the next two weeks, I managed to get
the flu in addition to the cast, I couldn't stand being in bed, but the
real problem was I hated wearing Kerry out with having to do everything
including the store everyday.  I felt miserable and too worn out to do much
and spent most days in the den.  Kerry would come home, get cleaned up and
them get dinner started, telling me everything that went on at the store as
he cooked.  I could see in his face he was exhausted, when I ask him about
it, all he said was I'm a little tired but happy.  After five weeks the
cast came off, I didn't have the flu and was roaring to go back to work,
Kerry listened to the doctor's orders and made sure I did everything I had
been told. Actually Kerry and me were an odd sort, he'd give me hell for
not doing exactly as the doctors said.  I'd give him hell when he forgot to
do what I told him, he'd work himself to death if I'd let him.

As Christmas neared I wondered what Kerry was going to do, the store would
be closed for three weeks, and I figured he'd go somewhere to get away.  I
on the other hand had nowhere to go and decided to stay home.  I didn't
feel much like having a Christmas tree or presents.  Brad died almost two
years ago and he still lived in my heart.  Kerry had lived here a little
over a year, we were good company for each other, and thankfully we had
become fast friends.  I knew any day he would meet one of the young widows
in the town and he'd move out, I didn't look forward to that day but I knew
it would come.  Several days before we closed up the store, Kerry tried to
pin me down on my plans for the holidays.

I got so aggravated with him, "damn Kerry if you want to bring a date to
the house, just tell me and I'll go somewhere for the holidays."

He shook his head "you can be a mean son-of-a-bitch when you want to.  I
thought we might do something together since neither of us has family but
the mood you're in I'd rather be alone."

He looked at me and I looked at him with a screw you look.  We avoided each
other the rest of the day, by the end of the week we were getting on each
other's nerves.  Kerry announced his plans to go on vacation, he didn't say
where, just said he'd be back after the holidays.  I didn't listen to a
word he said I expected it anyway.  On Saturday we got the store closed up
tight, I drove in to town to the diner to eat dinner, I didn't want to be
around when Kerry left on his trip.  My stomach hurt and I was miserable
but I sat in the diner until it was almost an hour past the time Kerry was
suppose to leave.  He had packed the day before so he could get a good
start after work, I bought him a couple of shirts, and a watch hiding them
in his luggage while he was out in the barn the day before.  As I pulled up
to the house I saw Kerry's truck still sitting in the drive, I wanted to
turn around but knew he'd see the lights of the truck.  I parked and looked
over in his truck as I got out, his bags must still be in the house.

The minute I walked in the house his voice boomed, "Josh we've got to talk,
I can't go on vacation feeling miserable.  If I've done something tell me,
if this is your way of getting rid of me just ask me to leave I'll pack up
and be on my way, but I'm not going anywhere until we've talked this out."

"All right." I yelled at him, "I hate the holidays, every year I get
irritable, you just happen to be here this year, I'm sorry I made you
miserable but now you know so you can head out."

Kerry looked at me, "you want to tell me what's really going on?"

I shook my head I hated having to be bad guy, "so now you're calling me a
liar?"

"Okay, okay, I'm out of here I'll see you after the holidays, I'll call you
and let you know where I am."  He looked at me the walked out the front
door pulling the door closed behind him.

I stared at the door willing it to open and him to come back but he didn't,
I waited until I heard the truck pull off down the driveway.  I turned off
the lights and headed upstairs, I was miserable, my life was miserable.  I
stood under the cool water of the shower and tried every trick I knew to
make myself feel worse but it wouldn't work, I wasn't going to be able to
make myself cry so I'd feel better.  The water turned ice cold from me
staying in the shower too long, I turned the handle off and dried my body.
I heard the phone ring and ran into the bedroom, "hello?"

"Josh, can I come home?  I don't have anyplace to go, I'll stay out of your
way."  Kerry's voice was deep and soft at the same time.

"Kerry I'm sorry for being an ass, come on home, we'll make each other
miserable, stop and get some beer."  I felt better already.  Within the
hour Kerry was upstairs changing, I put in a movie on the Beta and popped
the top on two beers, right before the movie started he planted himself on
the other end of the couch.  I handed him a beer, we watched about 30
minutes of the movie before we paused it.  Kerry got us more beers and I
got us some popcorn, back on the couch we continued watching the movie.  By
the end of the movie we were both pretty lit, neither of us was a big beer
drinker.  We pushed another movie in and before it was half way over we
were drunk, I scooted near Kerry and he moved the rest of the way, we were
talking about how bad our lives had been and so on.  We were pretty pitiful
somewhere along the way we began playing grab ass with each other and
eventually one thing led to another.  Kerry pushed me back on the couch,
laying on top of me and kissed me.  I didn't push him away I pulled him to
me looking in his eyes, my fingers strayed in his hair, I felt him shudder
as he ground his hips into me, I moaned as I kissed him and felt myself
lose control.  We remained holding each other his fingers smoothing the
side of my head.  I continued to look in his eyes and he looked in mine.
Neither of us wanted this moment to end, I knew with Kerry it was the
alcohol and in the morning it would be forgotten.  I rolled on my side and
his body moved next to me facing me, I stroked his face, and slowly
unbuttoned his shirt, his chest was smooth and warm he watched me.  The
belt slipped from his pants easily, I unzipped his pants and felt the
wetness, I looked at him, got up went to the bathroom and came back with a
wet wash cloth and cleaned him up.  He easily became excited by my touch
and I wanted very much to make love to him but I knew alcohol would always
be the blame Kerry was my friend.  I put the washcloth on the table and
zipped his pants back, lying back beside him.  He smiled at me, then placed
his hand on my forehead and pushed my hair out of my eyes, looking at
me. He moved over me slowly and kissed my lips, removed my pants and wiped
away all traces of our passion, he looked up at me as though he was asking
permission to go further, I put my hand out to him and pulled him back
beside me.  He put his arm out and gently pulled my head into the crook of
his arm, his other arm pulled me to him.  He kissed the top of my head over
and over, I wanted this night to last forever but we fell asleep.

Kerry woke me late in the morning, my head still resting on his arm, I
looked up in his eyes, I saw sadness cloud his eyes, "I'm sorry, I had too
much to drink."

Trying to stem our guilt I smiled at him, "you don't have anything to feel
guilty about."  I put my hand on the back of his neck and pulled his lips
to mine he didn't resist, I kissed him, then jumped up quickly and went
upstairs into the shower as fast as I could.

I heard him come into the bathroom, "Josh can I come in?"

I laughed, "Are you going to be looking like Sad Sack?"

"No," he replied.

We bathed at the same time taking great care not to touch each other.  I
stepped out of the shower first and dried off, he followed a minute later.
I threw a towel to him, he rolled it up and pretended to try and pop me, I
ran from him, I almost got away but he caught me as I missed my footing and
landed on the bed, he was on me in a second.  He had the towel around his
waist, his legs gently pinned my arms I could have gotten away if I had
wanted to.  He smiled down at me, both his hands pushing my hair off my
forehead, like when you have a crew cut, "I'm not drunk now."  He bent
forward and lovingly kissed me, I looked in his eyes I could almost feel
the tears building inside of him as he kissed me.  He got off of me sitting
with his back against the headboard.  I moved up and lay my back against
his chest.  His chin rested on top of my head, his hands absently moved
over my side and chest exploring the many scars.

"Josh, I'm going to talk for a few minutes, I want you to listen until I'm
finished and then you can say or ask anything and I'll answer you."  I
nodded my head.  He took a deep breath and kissed the top of my head.
"Josh, I swear to you that I didn't come here to put you through this.  The
first time I met you I felt so comfortable, I wanted us to be friends.  I
know I'm almost 9 years older than you and I know I'll never be as handsome
as you, but I do know one important thing, if you give me a chance, maybe
we can build something together.  I swear to you if you don't want me to
touch you again I won't, just don't ask me to leave, you're my friend and I
need to be around you, nothing more I promise."

I pulled his arms around my neck and held them in front of me, I kissed
each forearm, "Kerry, promise me one thing and only one."

He held me closer kissing my neck, "anything."

"When we fall in love with each other you have to promise to never leave
me, not ever, where you go I go always."

I felt his head nodding, "I promise."

I turned around and looked at him, "you are the warmest, most caring and
handsomest man I've ever met, never doubt how important you are in my life,
never."

He moved forward and I lay my head against his chest, he continued to run
his fingers through my hair and then smooth it back over and over, he kept
repeating, "you're my baby, I'm going to take care of you I swear."

I still felt drunk from the night before and the warmth of his body and the
knowledge I was in love with him made me comfortable, I fell asleep in his
arms once again.  We both slept for another couple of hours before getting
up and feeding the animals, finally we had lunch.

Kerry kept rushing me to eat faster, "hurry up."  I gulped down the last
bite as Kerry almost pulled me from my chair in the kitchen to the front
seat of his truck as we drove into town for a Christmas tree.  On the drive
over, he put his hand on my leg and looked at me over and over, he was
happy, but I didn't think anyone could be as happy as I felt.  We spent an
hour picking out a Christmas tree and another hour picking out ornaments
and lights.  Kerry pulled into the Winn-Dixie and bought everything for
Christmas dinner enough for 10 and there were only two of us.  We got home
and put the groceries away and began putting up and decorating our tree and
the house for Christmas, when we were finished we sat on the couch just
inches from each other and admired our handiwork.  Kerry still had more
surprises, he ran up to his room and returned with the packages I had put
in his luggage, he looked at me with a smile as he put them under the tree
and a couple of other packages.  We fed the animals and got them bedded
down early the temperatures were suppose to be brutal tonight, tomorrow was
Christmas Eve.  Kerry filled his thermos with fresh coffee, then put it and
a couple of mugs in his backpack, he grabbed a cover and a sleeping bag and
we went outside on the porch swing together.  The light of day was almost
gone and the air already cold.  We snuggled in the sleeping bag together
Kerry poured us a mug of coffee with just a bit of Drambuie in it.  Kerry's
hand was on the side of my head and he gently pulled me to him and kissed
my forehead, "Josh, you're wonderful, I care about you so damn much it
hurts inside."  Hearing those words from him brought to the surface all the
pain I had held in since Brad had died, I fell apart, I was in the arms of
someone that cared for me in every conceivable way, and I loved him.  I put
my coffee on the railing and buried my face in his chest and cried.  He was
so gentle, I could feel my tears tearing him apart, "what is it Josh?"

"Kerry I'm happy.  I've only wanted a chance to be loved.  When I was shot
in Vietnam, while I lay in the mud, I felt my life slipping away and I was
scared to die without ever having experienced love.  Kerry, Brad loved me
as a friend and I loved him, but he died.  Kerry I want to be able to take
care of you and make you happy, I don't want you to ever be sorry we found
each other."

I felt tears falling from Kerry's cheeks, "Josh you can't imagine how happy
I am.  Everything I've ever needed and wanted you've given me in just these
two short days."

I moved over and pulled Kerry's head to my chest, I kissed the back of his
neck and ran my hands through his hair, the softness made me yearn for him.
"I love you Kerry."  It took a while for the two of us to settle down but
we did, Kerry refreshed our coffee and we sat holding each other looking up
into the night sky watching the stars shine a little brighter just for us.