Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 08:44:42 -0800 (PST)
From: dante umbero <danteumbero@yahoo.com>
Subject: The General-3

Jock was running up the stairs of their apartment
complex, he had rushed as soon as he had read the
email.  Eric and he had been exchanging emails for
months at lunch, usually nothing really erotic, just
casual "how's it going" but this time the email had
been cryptic.  "I've been outted", is what it said, "I
can't bear to live with it, tell Dad I'm sorry." Jock
opened the apartment door, the chain was in placed he
yelled for Eric, but there wasn't an answer, he kicked
in the door and rushed into the living room and then
through into the bedroom, and then he smelled the
cordite it was coming from the bathroom.  He opened
the door a crack and saw the blood splatters and flesh
on the wall above the toilet, he was gasping for
breath, trying to breath, trying to call for Eric and
then he jerked awake.

"It's alright, Jock, you were dreaming."  I whispered
against his neck and tightened my grip around his
chest, I could feel his muscles relax in my embrace
and he sighed.  He turned in my arms and I could see
him staring up at the ceiling, see the panic in his
face.  "Jock, who's Eric?"  I asked quietly.

Part 3

Jock's eyes were opened wide and his breathing was
ragged, I tightened my arms around him and he looked
at me as though just seeing me for the first time.
His body was bathed in sweat and he was trembling.
"Jock, it's ok," I whispered in his ear, "It was only
a dream."  I could see realization dawning on him as
sleep left him.

"Sorry, Dan...God I thought they'd stopped."  He said.

I heard a muffled sound and realized he was crying.
OK, FUCK, remember I'm the one that is emotionally
detached right?  Well it's tough to stay emotionally
detached from someone like Jock when he is suddenly in
your arms crying his heart out.  Panic flooded me, I
wanted to run, or more specifically turn over and
close my eyes.   That's what I did to my wife when she
got like that.  I guess the shrink had done some good
or else something about this connection to Jock just
wouldn't allow it.  I kept my arms around him and
hugged him up closer, I could see the struggle he was
waging to regain his composure, suddenly he won and
his face settled into a look of infinite sadness.

After a moment he whispered, "Thanks, Dan, it's been a
long time since I had someone hold me while I cried,
probably not since I was a kid."  He sighed.  "Fuck, I
feel like shit."

"Why, Jock, cause you had some kind of nightmare and
were tore up about it?"  I asked, "Don't be, I've done
a lot of crying since I got divorced and watched my
kids drift away.  It beats drinkin yourself to death,
and I tried that for awhile too."  I touched his face
and he turned and looked at me.  "Who's Eric?"

I felt him stiffen in my arms and he looked back up at
the ceiling, the silence lengthened.  "It's ok, Jock,
I didn't mean to kick over the chamber as my granddad
would've said." I stroked his chest.

`No, Dan, It's just that I've never told anyone the
whole story before.  Just the pieces they needed to
hear, just enough to satisfy others, but never enough
to satisfy me."  He paused

"It's ok Jock, you don't have to tell me anything, but
would it help to tell me?"  I asked.

He sighed, then reached for his pants.  I thought he
was leaving and thought about trying to stop him, but
realized he was digging out his wallet.  He flipped it
open and rummaged through the photo section under the
bedside lamp.  Then he took out a small photo and
handed it to me.  I looked into the face of a young
man.  He looked to be about 20 in a cadet uniform,
tight jawed, crisp blue eyes and flaming red hair.
Then he handed me a tattered snapshot that he had dug
from somewhere in his wallet, the edges were frayed
and it was creased, I recognized a younger Jock,
standing with his arm across the shoulder of the red
haired cadet.  They were both in cadet uniforms white
gloves, spit shinned shoes, crisp white bandoliers,
and there was something oddly intimate about the way
they stood.

"I gather that is Eric, nice looking guy.  Course you
don't look to bad yourself."  I said and handed them
back.

"We met in the Academy...he was... my best friend."  He
whispered

"He was your lover."  I said, sudden realization
flooding me.

Jock nodded and looked up at the ceiling again, I put
my arm back across his chest and whispered, "Don't
Jock, if it's too painful."

He nodded and then said, "I loved him more than
anything in the world, and I thought he loved me the
same.  We spent 12 years together, served together,
made a life together.  I love his folks like they are
my own, and they have told me they think of me as
another son.  Eric had one major problem.  He spent
his life trying to live up to his unrealistic image of
his family history in the Army.  His father is a
retired colonel, his grandfather fought in World War
II and Korea ending as a Brigadier General, his great
great grandfather served the Union in the Civil War
ending as a General.  He wanted to live up to that
image so bad everything, including me, took second
place.  Then when he thought that was going to be
blasted into a million pieces he couldn't accept
living with that.  He felt he couldn't live without
"honor" and I was a dirty secret.

Jock told me the story of Eric and his meeting and
their eventual life together.  The eastern shore
family, the holidays with his folks, the secret
conversation with Eric's dad that told Jock he knew
about them.  It was a story of an all encompassing
love on Jock's part and of a final detachment on the
part of Eric.  My life mirrored that except I'd just
gotten divorced.

"We had heard, scuttle butt that Intelligence was
looking for some senior officers, and that the
Pentagon was anxious to promote Hispanics.  That was
all Eric needed to hear.   He begged me to apply for
transfer.  I was a Colonel by then, I was completely
satisfied with my career, I loved Eric and found
fulfillment just living with him.  We had had our
share of difficulties; that was in the days
immediately before "don't ask, don't tell", and had
had a couple close calls.   I had talked on more than
one occasion of just quitting and going into civilian
life.   Most of our very close friends I think knew or
suspected anyway, but they didn't ask.  We had
suffered separations because of the service and had
never complained to anyone but each other.  He went on
and on how after I made General I could help him.  It
suddenly had become not what I wanted but what I could
help him accomplish.  So against my better judgement,
I applied.

Part of the Intelligence thing was security clearance.
 It wasn't handled by the Army alone, the CIA and the
FBI had a hand in it.  On that last day, a couple of
agents from the FBI, CIA and OAI had shown up at our
apartment.  Eric had taken the day off to get his car
fixed so he was home alone when they knocked.  I don't
know all that was said, but apparently they touched
around our relationship.  They either had heard a
rumor, took a blind shot, or more likely just figured
it out themselves, hell we were in our 30's and not
married and living together and had done so since our
days in the Academy.  It didn't take a mental giant
and these guys are sharp.  I am guessing they
threatened Eric with disclosure or something along
those lines.  Whatever happened he felt that our
relationship was going to be made public."  Jock
paused and then sighed, his jaw tightened and I
wondered if he was going to cry again.

"It's ok Jock, you don't have to tell me anything
else, its too hard."  I said and tightened my arm
across him.

He looked at me and continued, now in a strange
monotone, "He sent me an email at work, it said he had
been outted and that he couldn't face it.  I was
suddenly very afraid and raced home.  He didn't answer
the door; I had to kick it in.  I found him in the
bathroom, he had used his side arm."  He sighed.

I saw the tears running down Jock's face and suddenly
hated Eric with everything in me.  I hadn't known the
guy but he had fucked Jock over pretty good.

"There was an investigation, both civil and military.
It was obviously a suicide, the civil investigation
ended there.  The military one went a little deeper,
there was a question about our relationship but the
military didn't want to push it.  I am a minority;
Eric had been a Maryland blue blood with more Army
heritage than most senior officers.  I was asked if
there had been any "inappropriate" relationships
between Eric and myself.  I knew what they were
asking, but to me our relationship hadn't been
inappropriate, it had been my life.  I said no.  I
received my promotion a couple months later but was
assigned to this hell hole.  The writing on the wall
was clear; they would prefer me back in civilian
life."

"I have lived with the guilt of letting Eric talk me
into applying and the guilt for having felt I betrayed
our love in the inquiry, but mostly I've had to live
with the realization that when he pulled the trigger
he betrayed my love and had taken the easy way out,
and I hate him for it."

He sighed and turned toward me and rested his head on
my shoulder, I could feel the tears that were on his
checks.  I was frozen in place by his story.  It was
my worst nightmare.  He had lived the vulnerability
the final betrayal, the loss.  "Jock, I don't know
what to say."  I whispered as I kissed his forehead,
"I'm sorry, sounds too trite and easy.  I cannot
imagine what hell your life has been, babe."  I hugged
him and lay there in the dark listening to the sound
of his breathing as it turned even and regular again
and I realized he had gone to sleep again.

I eventually got up without waking him and went back
into the living room and checked on the fucking
conversion, as if I cared anymore. I sat on the couch
and poured myself a drink and thought about my life.
What I had done to my wife and kids wasn't all that
different from what Eric had done to Jock.  I wanted
to finish this bottle and go buy another but realized
that (a) I couldn't get to a store and (b) I already
knew from experience that that wouldn't help.  Instead
I shed some tears also, I cried for Jock and Eric, but
most of all for my ex-wife and kids.  God I felt like
such an asshole.

Along about two o'clock, I crawled back in bed with
Jock and made sure the alarm was set for four, giving
him time to get back to his quarters before dawn.
When the alarm went off, Jock was already gone and I
lay in bed and stared at the ceiling until time to
take a shower.  After my shower I found a note on my
laptop.

	Dan,
	Call me today, when you have a few minutes.
	Jock

I showered and tried to erase the fatigue from lack of
sleep, the pounding headache and the guilt that I
still carried around from last night.  I went to the
mess hall and got breakfast and ate quickly, I didn't
look around, I hoped like hell I wouldn't see Jock
there and thankfully I didn't.  I went on to the
computer room and went to work; at least there weren't
any emotional landmines with a simple conversion and
install.  Branock came by, I gave him the reports run
after the first conversion, and we split the pile and
went through them looking for errors.  Then I ran the
executable looking for control characters and when it
finished setoff the next conversion.  I estimated this
one wouldn't take as long as the database had been
compressed somewhat by the first conversion.  I went
back to my quarters at midday to get some aspirin to
help with the headache that I acquired courtesy of the
bourbon.

I was sitting on the couch with my head back almost
asleep when there was a knock at the door.  "Come" I
called out.  I knew it was Jock.

He entered the room and I didn't even try to standup,
hell I was too hung over and too damn sorry.  Jock, on
the other hand looked like he always did, band box new
and too many damn white teeth showing.  His smile
faded when he saw me.  "You didn't call so I came
looking for you.  Branock told me you weren't feeling
well and had come over here to get some aspirin."  He
picked up the empty bourbon bottle, "I thought you
said this wasn't an answer?"

"Fuck Jock, an answer wasn't what I was looking for,
after you went back to sleep."  I said and sighed.

"Then what?" he said sitting beside me.  "I wanted to
thank you for listening.  There has never been anyone
I could tell it all to but I didn't mean to burden you
with it."  He touched my shoulder.

"Jock, you didn't burden me, it caused me to see
myself as I really am.  The bourbon was to numb the
pain.  It once again failed me."  I said and leaned my
head back and closed my eyes to the throbbing pain.

"Dan, what is it?  Why are you beating yourself up
like this?  You're not such a bad guy, I know it cause
I felt it last night."  He said softly and touched my
knee.

"Fuck, Jock, what do you know about me?  What if I
told you that I treated my wife and kids like Eric
treated you?  I failed them miserably.  I took
advantage of their emotional strength and gave nothing
back.  I left them hanging and played them like a
fisherman plays a catfish.  I'm a loser, Jock, ask my
ex-wife, ask my kids, hell you can even ask my boss.
They all agree."  I said and shook off his hand.

"Maybe the Dan that was married to a woman he told me
he shouldn't have married was.  Maybe the Dan that
hates his new boss and the changes made at work is.
But the Dan that held me isn't.  That Dan was warm and
caring and capable of love and being loved."  He said
and stood up.  He looked down at me and said, "You're
a very special man, Dan.  I hope you realize that
while all those others may think you're a loser, I
don't and never will."  He turned and walked out.

"Oh fuck."  I said to the ceiling.  I tried to clear
my head, I had to escape this guilt and pain and now a
dread that Jock clearly had feelings for me that went
past sex and I wasn't sure how I felt.  The answer for
me had always been work, so I went back to the
computer room and lost myself in the job.

Branock was sitting staring at me, I vaguely remember
him asking me about supper and my telling him I would
catch some latter maybe, that must have been hours
ago.  I looked at my watch. "Fuck, Lieutenant, why
didn't you tell me it was so late.  Just cause I don't
need any sleep doesn't mean you don't.  I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it, Dan.  If you're hungry the mess
hall has a night line that closed an hour ago, I
called them and told them to put a sandwich and stuff
in your quarters.  Don't take this too personal, but
you look like shit.  You need to go to bed and sleep."
 He said and frowned.

"Understood Lieutenant, think that's where I'm headed
right now.  The last conversion is running if it
bombs, and it won't, I'll give you a call.  Otherwise
let's make a late start tomorrow."  I answered and
stood and stretched.

"Yeah I'll see you no earlier than ten o'clock."  He
said and followed me out into the chilly night.

I'd never really been in the desert like this before
and was surprised at how cold it got when the sun set.
 It had been about 100 degrees at noon and here it was
feeling like maybe 40 degrees.  I stood in the
compound and stared up in the sky and looked at the
wealth of stars.  More stars than I'd ever seen before
it seemed like.

I was wishing I still smoked when I realized how small
I felt looking up into the vastness of the starlit
night.  How insignificant all my problems appeared
when compared with the light that had traveled for
eons just to illuminate this present moment.  Maybe
the alcohol residue was finally gone, or maybe I had
an epiphany, whatever it was I suddenly realized that
I couldn't change the past, like the light from those
galaxies millions of light years away it was now gone
and what I was seeing was just the after effects.  All
the shit I put my family through was gone and while I
might make it up to them, I could never relive or
change what was done.  Suddenly I felt clean from all
that shit, I was suddenly in the present, the past was
gone.  I thought of Jock, there was a promise of a
future there, without the mistakes of the past.  I
thought of my ex-wife and all that was left was a warm
memory of the good times and regret for the bad, she
was part of the past that I'd let go of.  My kids,
well, they needed some work.  I believed I could at
least make them realize that I was trying, whether it
was too late for more or not.  I stood and stared up
into the infinite depth of space and then smiled and
went to my quarters.

I slept late, the sun was blazing in my window when my
eyes opened.  I went and took a long shower and let
the water wash the sleep away.  I felt much better,
still unsure about many things, but better.  After the
shower I went to the mess hall and had a very late
breakfast.  I emailed work and gave the dick head I
work for a synopsis of the install so far and the
projected completion.  I also emailed my kids, copying
my ex-wife and offered to take them with me back to my
childhood home to see my mother.  I thought it would
give us a chance to really talk for once.

I was more at peace with my demons than I had been in
a long time, but I still needed to work on Jock and
what I wanted.  Maybe I would just kinda let things
float along with Jock and see how they developed.
Branock was waiting for me in the computer room.  The
conversions were done so I started with the
integration of the new software into the existing
systems.  This shit is pretty complicated, but I had
done this many times before.  It was mostly a matter
of setup directories and tables then check
functionality and accuracy against the database,
pretty boring actually.  Branock came by in the middle
of the afternoon and told me the general needed to
meet with me to report on the final conversions.  I
told him I could find my way and left him.  In the
compound I stood in the shade of the bunker and
watched the breeze make dust devils dance across the
desert floor.  I sighed and went into the bunker and
down the stairs to Jock's office.  The sergeant told
me to go on in.

Jock stood up and walked around his desk and said,
"Dan, sorry to drag you away from the job, but those
pin heads in Washington need a report today."

"No problem, Jock, we're right on schedule, I'm
configuring the new software to look at your database
now, we should be ready to start importing down linked
data soon." I smiled then sighed.

Jock raised an eyebrow and then said, "What is it,
Dan, something on you mind?"

"I just want to say I'm sorry, Jock.  I guess I'm not
a very considerate...whatever we are together.  I just
wanted you to know that I can't begin to understand
how all that made you feel, I wanted to somehow help
and I ended up making a fucking idiot of myself by
being my usual self centered asshole self.  I like you
Jock, hell I'm not sure like is quiet the right word...I
just didn't want my behavior to mess it up."  I said
and sighed.

Jock smiled and walked over to me, he raised his hand
and touched my lips, then walked to his office door
and told the sergeant to hold his calls.  He came back
and his hands brushed across my chest and his lips
touched mine.  He whispered in my ear as he chewed the
lobe, "You are a wonderful, fucking hot, man, Dan.  I
think I more than like you too."  He said and I could
feel his hands as they opened my shirt and pushed
inside so that he could flick my nipples.  I moaned
and could feel my dick press painfully against my
slacks with desire.  I let my hands run down his shirt
clad back and grasped his tight buttocks through his
fatigues, the rough cloth accentuating the firmness of
his muscles.  I backed him up and he sat on his desk
as I opened his paints and he pushed them and his
briefs down.  With one hand I stroked his hard dick
and with the other I cradled his head as I kissed him.
 I could feel the little gasps in the back of his
throat as I flicked the sensitive head of his cock as
it emerged from his foreskin.  Slowly I knelt down in
front of him and took his dripping cock into my mouth.
 He sighed as it slipped to the back of my throat and
I moaned with passion.  I tenderly grasped his balls
and let them roll between my fingers as I let my
tongue work up and down his shaft.  I let my finger
slip behind his balls and then I felt him raise his
legs and lean back, exposing his hot hole in an
magnificently erotic gesture.  I looked up at him and
he had his eyes closed a look of total concentration
on his handsome features, his head tilted back, his
nostrils flaring with his breath.  I engulfed his tool
and let my finger slip into his warm moist chute and
felt the first tremors of his orgasm.  In some quiet
part of my otherwise racing brain I wondered at how
quickly I had learned to read the major points of his
body language.  I knew that when I added another
finger and twirled my tongue across his dickhead I
would send him over the edge.  I reached down and
released my aching cock through my fly and started
stroking myself as I sucked.  I added that second
finger and licked the purpling head and felt him tense
up and then felt the jerk and rush of his cum as it
flooded my mouth.  At the same instant my own
impending orgasm crested and I released my load on the
front of his desk and the carpet.  I continued to lick
his cock as it became soft again then stood up and
kissed him.

"I need to make you apologize more often."  He said
and chuckled.

To be continued...