Date: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 20:16:47 -0500 From: Frontrnrusa@netscape.net Subject: War Journal A War Journal: Copyright: 2004 Holloway H. (Frontrnrusa@netscape.net) I'm not sure why people get off on suffering, the first time I had to raise my M16 and kill another human being I thought my guts would come up through my throat and out my mouth, it's hard to see the destruction an M16 bullet can do to a body, blood, tissue, bone flying out, I hate the warm spatter of blood against my skin. I shouldn't have to kill anyone but I do, and each time I see the bullet rip through the skin of another I silently pray to God asking him to forgive me, I know I will probably die here and I'm more afraid of hell then I am of the enemies bullets. I write in this journal because I don't have any family and when I die, I want something or maybe even someone to at least remember I lived. I grew up in Texas (I won't tell you where) in the State Boy's Home. I was one of 22 boys in a two-story brownstone. We were supervised by people who were paid by the State to oversee us, I never thought for a moment they loved me, I knew they didn't, I've always known that no one has ever loved me, you might think that is easy to deal with, maybe for some people it is but all I ever wanted was to be loved, never happened. Boy's Homes are difficult places to grow up, we all had raging hormones and some of the stronger boys, took advantage of the younger boys, and once the younger boys got older they did the same to the younger boys, kind of a perpetual abuse cycle. Anyhow I graduated from high school with good grades, no friends and no family, the State signed the papers that allowed me to enter the military 6 months short of my eighteenth birthday. I wasn't shy when I went for my physical when the corpsman told us to get undressed I stripped down quickly. I didn't look around, I'd grown up around boys' so I didn't need to see what everyone else looked like, I probably was the only boy there that wasn't curious or nervous. When my name was called, Lonnie Rivers, I stepped up on the scale, the corpsman called out 139. He put a steel bar on my head and yelled out again 74 inches. He shined a light in my eyes, brown eyes; he looked at my hair then asked me, "What color is your hair?" I replied quickly, "blonde." Without a breath he yelled out blonde then he said next and pointed for me to move forward. Another corpsman had me turn around, he checked off a block on my chart that said no tattoos, he looked at the long scar running down my leg and asked what happened, I explained I'd ripped my leg open when jumping over a barbed wire field fence, he asked me if I had had stitches, I shook my head no and said I just kept it bandaged, he shook his head and said next, he pointed to another area. There were five curtained off areas, when my name was called I entered a curtained area, the doctor was old, he had me sit down on the exam table, his gloved hands looked at the scar on my leg, he looked up at me, he tested my reflexes, I didn't smile the entire time he talked to me, he had me stand and he felt my private areas then he had me bend over and did his exam. When he finished he stood up and shook my hand, he told me I was healthy, he said I was a good-looking boy and I should smile, not take everything too seriously. I nodded my head, he pointed and I walked out. The next doctor had me sit back in a chair as he checked my teeth, he smiled and said I had the best set of teeth he'd seen today and told me to continue doing whatever I had in the past. Five more stops and I completed my physical and was allowed to dress. I sat in a waiting room with a bunch of other guys; a couple talked to me then the conversation fell off as each new person entered the room. When the room filled up, we were herded to a large empty room where we raised our right hand and were sworn into the United States Military. I immediately headed off for boot camp, I worked hard and was selected as the platoon leader, I loved the daily activity and I felt a part of something, maybe no one cared about me but they did care about what I did and how well I did it and I felt pride in knowing that. I was never sure if the guys in my platoon liked me, I know they respected me, I'd help them out any way I could so we could all succeed, no one failed. I graduated top of my class and headed off for advanced individual training, I did well there before ending up over here. January 9th: This is my second tour here. I try to sleep whenever I can, it's hard with the occasional outburst of small arms fire and the often heard bomb going off in the distance, I don't care if it's me that gets hit. I worry about the guys out on patrol, I feel guilty when a patrol returns less one member, I run through my mind if there is something I could have done. I try so hard to remember I can't save everybody no matter how much I want too. I was like that as a kid; if someone died I wondered what I could have done to save the person, even when they had died half way around the world. I always prayed for the souls of those that died. January 12th I thought about this last night. I want to thank whoever put this journal in the box they sent to the soldiers. When the box arrived everyone was given something, there wasn't anything I wanted up until someone pulled the journal out, I grabbed it, no one said a word, finally there was something I wanted. Last night was patrol, I stay on my toes, I want to make sure I don't end up dead and that I don't accidentally kill no civilians. Rumor has it that my platoon will be moving forward into permanent positions I'm hoping it will be inside an abandoned building, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. A bunch of the guys continue to get Christmas presents, a few times I've found a lump in my throat, then I remind myself, this is my lot in life and I have to do the best I can. January 30 - Moved into my new position, it's a forward position. I'm in the fight all the time now, keeps me on my toes. Around mid night I get relieved by one of my buddies and I head back to one of the vacant rooms in the building, I sleep on the floor but at least I feel more secure than being out in the open in a tent. Rumor has it we're getting new blood, makes me nervous to have new kids around, I know they're my age but I've been in country for awhile and I'm use to the flow, now I have to worry about the new guys and myself, trying to keep us all alive. Feb - 15 Mouse, he's the new kid assigned as my sidekick, he's quite like I am and we get along fine. He looks more fourteen than 20; he's actually almost a year older than I am. His real name is Christopher, he's about 5'10" with short blonde hair and glasses and he's real smart. He's an only child, lives with his father in Texas, his mom died when he was nine. He's done all right so far but then we've had a relatively quiet period. The guys in the platoon have been giving Mouse a hard time about me, telling him I'm a hard ass and that I'll work him to death, he stood up to them and told them if it gets him home in one piece he's proud to be worked to death by me. They guys shook their heads and said, Oh Shit another fucking Lonnie in the platoon, Christopher looked at them, you got that fucking right. March 2nd - This is the first chance I've had to write. We've been fucking under fire almost everyday, sometimes I feel like I'm awake when I'm a sleep. The first night of heavy fire, Christopher froze next to me, I knew he was terrified his finger wouldn't pull the trigger. I told him to get away from the fucking window before he got himself killed. In the moonlight I could see his face, he had tears running down his dirty cheeks. I reached over and touched his shoulder, he looked at me, why I did what I did next I'm not sure, I never touched other people. I wiped his tears with my dirty fingers, "Christopher, I won't let anything happen to you, I know you are afraid, that's not a bad thing it will help keep you alive, but I need your help to keep us alive." He looked at me, I moved under the window next to Christopher and put my arm over his shoulder, he turned to me and hugged me back, I whispered to him that nothing would happen to him, I swore. I put my hand on the back of his head, his hair was silky and sent a shock through my system. I pulled back, looking in his face, "you ready." He nodded his head, I smiled at him, "You let anything happen to you and I'm going to beat the hell out of you." He faked a salute, and for the first time I saw him smile. March 23 - We've been relieved for a week. We're back in the Green Zone, hot water, hot food and racks with sheets. I never knew how much dirt my body could hold. Christopher has been really quite since we returned, he sticks to me like glue, I don't mind, we depend on each other to survive. Mail Call again, Christopher got a huge box and then I heard my name, in the year or so I've been here I've never received a thing. The guys passed it back it was a box the same size as Chris' he looked at me, I asked my Dad to send you something whenever he sends me something. I nodded my head, then got up and took my box with me. I didn't hear Chris' behind me, I walked to the motor pool, I found a place to sit in the shade and opened the box, my eyes watered like a motherfucker, I wasn't going to cry. I looked up and saw Chris looking down at me, "Lonnie, we're family now." He didn't say another word he sat beside me and opened his box. I pulled out a cool pair of sunglasses, I put them on and for once I could see pretty well without having to squint, Lonnie looked at me, "Geez a Movie Star." I reached over and punched him playfully. The box was filled with everything. I felt so fucking fortunate, what a great feeling. I bugged Chris about wanting to write his Dad and thank him. Chris got pissed. "Lonnie, I lied my old man didn't send them, I bought them for us from the Internet. My old man hates me." I looked at him, "why." He shook his head, "Lonnie you're my best friend, I'll do what I fucking want too." I nodded my head, "you're my best friend, you fucking Mouse." He smiled, "kiss my ass." I reached for him "bare it." We ended up wrestling for a minute and laughing with each other. A few days later Chris' showed me how to use the Internet, he had a laptop of his own and we connected from a little card he had in the laptop. I watched as we looked at stuff I'd never seen, while we were surfing through pages, a couple porn pages turned up, I looked at Chris' face, he turned red, I did too, I could feel the heat in my face. April 9 - Chris and I have been awake for what feels like 24/7 since we returned, these people want to die, they fight from house to house, some of them no more than teenagers, I don't want to kill them but I'll blow their fucking brains out if they even try to shoot at Chris, I mean it. I've moved past feeling bad about killing them, now I'm in survival mode, I have to make sure Chris gets home in one piece, I don't give a shit if I survive or not but this boy is getting home and getting on with his life. April 20 - Thank you God, another quite few days. We're moving from this position. I heard from Gunny that I was getting a Humvee. I'm excited as hell, now I'll be mobile. Chris is as excited as I am he's turned into one hell of a soldier; he's brave but smart. I went to the motor pool and was given a new Humvee, I knew it had to be a mistake I couldn't be this lucky but I was. I checked out the vehicle, the fucking vehicle had the new armor plating. I turned over the engine and the bitch purred like a kitten. I stored my stuff in and went to find Chris, I told him to grab his shit. He followed me back to the motor pool, he went fucking nuts when he saw the Humvee, a stranger would have thought we'd gotten a new BMW or something. Chris put his stuff inside. We stuck to that vehicle like no tomorrow. I was called up to the command tent at 5:30pm, I was told to gather my team, I had my orders and headed out. We would be escorting civilian trucks through some pretty bad sites. Chris had shotgun and the other five guys sat in back with weapons in the ready, we got the convoy from point a to point b and back without a problem. Once we got back I cleaned up the vehicle, Chris helped. After chow I took a shower, when Chris walked in I stared at him, never in my life have I ever stared at another boy. Chris looked at me never saying a word. I felt so fucking embarrassed I hated myself and knew that Chris thought I was a sick motherfucker. I couldn't stand being around anybody, I headed to the Humvee to sleep. I got comfortable inside and was almost asleep when Chris showed up he knocked on the window until I opened the door. He got in he spread his sleeping bag out in the back next to mine. It was pitch black inside all anyone could hear was the breathing to two guys. I heard Chris turn over. Lonnie, he whispered, I said what. He asked me if I knew why his father hated him I said no. He told me he was going to tell me, and then he said that if I ended up hating him he didn't give fuck cause he wasn't getting out of this country alive anyway. I tried to see his face in the dark. Lonnie my old man hates me because I'm a faggot. I didn't move for a few minutes and then I turned on my side. "Listen motherfucker, I don't give shit what you are, you're a good soldier, my friend and nothing is going to happen to you in this country, you're going home in one piece, and I mean it, don't fuck with me saying you aren't going home." Chris lay there I heard him sobbing, "you fuck you're my best friend." I reached out and touched the side of his face, "same here, you mean the world to me so get over it." May 11 - All hell has been breaking loose. We lost Davis on Convoy this past Friday. I killed 5 fucking enemy combatants myself, Davis was a part of our team I avenged him. We haven't had time to eat right, bathe or anything else and have another month before rotation to the Green Zone for two weeks. Chris has been on my mind like no fucking tomorrow. It will kill me if something happens to the fucking Mouse, he needs to go home, I can't think right anymore around him, I'm all fucked up inside. July 9 - I've taken three showers and ate two hot meals I'm in heaven. I've been searching out a private place to talk with Chris, we need to clear the air between us otherwise I'm going to be crazy and end up getting myself killed which is okay or him killed which isn't going to happen. I found one of those semi tractor-trailers used to move equipment. I found a place over a row of boxes where we can talk without being interrupted. It was warm inside but at least we could talk without other fuckers listening to our every word. We sat side by side. I was trying to think of what to say, Chris put his arms around me, I melted in his arms, his fingers moved in my hair and I closed my eyes. He kissed the back of my neck and told me he loved me, he knew beyond a doubt and always would. I sat up and pulled him tight against me, Chris don't tell me you love me unless you swear it's forever, no one has ever loved me." I ran my fingers in his hair, my body shook, he was talking to me about how much I meant to him. I looked in his face, "I love you Mouse." Chris kissed me gently it was the first time I'd been kissed in my life. Chris made love to me and showed me how to make love to him. I held him in my arms exhausted and cried telling him about my life. He cried with me, then we laughed at what this would look like, two soldiers tear streaked faces holding each other. We stood up and straightened up our uniforms. I knelt down in front of mouse and made love to him, he held my head tight against his stomach and told me he belonged to me. I stood up and kissed him, we snuck out the trailer the way we snuck in. Sept 1 - We have so many fucking casualties this last two months it is making me crazy. I'm fucking scared that Chris is going to die. Sept 19 - I hate myself, but I did what I thought was best. I shot Chris, I didn't kill him, I shot him in his leg, I had to get him out of country before he died. I heard him scream when the bullet hit his leg, he called out for me, Lonnie I've been hit. I ran to his position, he was lying on his back bleeding like a stuck pig. I bandaged his leg then lifted him to a standing position there was small arms fire all around us. I got him to the corpsman that examined his leg and within minutes Chris was headed out to the Medivac hospital. I headed back out to the fight. Around three in the morning, I was allowed to go to the hospital and check on Chris. The nurse tried to turn me away, I told her I'd just been killing the fucking enemy and I was going to check on my team member, I'd be quite but I was going to check on him. She stepped aside. Chris was asleep. His leg was wrapped up about two sizes. I sat beside him staring; I knew the tears falling down my face were tears of shame. Near dawn, Chris' hand on my head woke me, he looked at me and mouthed I love you, I understand. October 15 - Chris has been gone for a while, I miss him, I haven't heard from him, but then I didn't expect too, I'm just happy he's home alive. November 1 - I hate the holidays. Everyone is talking about going home. I've volunteered to stay behind so they can send people with families' home. November 3 - Chris wrote, he said he'd just gotten out of therapy, he'd always have a limp and it took him a while to get use to not being in the service, he said he couldn't write sooner, he said it would kill him if anything happened to me. I'd never written anyone but I wrote Chris, I told him about the weather the sand, things he knew. I told him I really missed him and I was glad he wasn't here, I told him I'd have killed myself if he had died over here, I wasn't sorry he wasn't here. I ask him how he was getting along. I sent him my bankbook, I had almost 22 thousand dollars saved, I never bought anything so my money was pretty much mine. I wanted him to have whatever he needed and I told him so. I told him if he needed more money I could extend my enlistment and get an additional 10 thousand dollars, all he needed to do was tell me. I wanted to tell him I shot him but I couldn't, not yet. Maybe I'd get killed then I wouldn't have to worry about telling him at all, he was all right, that's what mattered to me. November 5 - Chris wrote me again, I got another package too. Chris wrote that it was strange for him not being over here, he said he was worried and that anything I needed to ask. He wrote that he didn't need the money, he told me he'd hold onto the bankbook until I picked it up. He said he lived alone and wished he had a family of his own. He told me to take care and ended his letter. I wrote him and told him he was still my best friend and that it made me feel good to know that I had someone worried about me for once. I knew I was being stupid, but I wrote to him and told him I hoped he met someone nice that would make him happy. December 2 - I haven't had time to breathe, I've been on patrol around the clock, we've lost five guys from the platoon to fucking home made bombs these crazy mother fuckers over here keep using to strike out at us. Chris quit writing me, I don't give a shit anymore, I was being stupid anyway no one could care about me, no one, why should things be different now. I'm 20, yesterday was my birthday, I actually didn't remember until this morning. I'd just shot one those son of a bitches who was trying to ping me with his crappy AK 47, I blew the fucker away. When I looked at him I thought he looked my age, that's when it hit me it was my birthday. I don't care, I'm really tired, tired to the soul, I'm ready to lay down forever. December 20 - I've been in the Green Zone for a week. I've had like a hundred showers, got my hair cut and even have clean cammies. I feel a lot better food is hot and fresh. I've been reading a lot as well as surfing on the Internet. December 22 - During mail call I got three letters and a box, all from Chris. I opened the first letter I got my hands on, a picture of Chris dropped out, I sat there staring at him, he was awesome. I could feel my eyes watering. I grabbed my shit and went to the Humvee where I would have a bit of privacy. I sat in the front seat and read the letter. Chris wrote that he was pissed at me for being such an asshole. He told me if I didn't want to be friends because he was a queer that I should look in the mirror. He said he didn't want to meet anyone, he wanted me and didn't care if I liked it or not. He reminded me that we were friends forever. I broke down crying, I held the picture in my hands and told him how much, I loved his dumb ass, I needed him. The box he sent had everything in it, I read the other letters and cried, I can't take much more of this, I can't. I wrote him, I told him he shouldn't write me anymore, because I wasn't worth it, he was beautiful and could have anyone in the world. I was a dumb piece of shit that was meant to die a soldier. I didn't feel sorry for myself; I'd never had anything so how could I feel sorry for anything. Life was nothing but a burden to me except for the time that Chris and I were friends. December 25 - There has been a lot of sniper fire today, I've volunteered for patrol so the guys with families can get on the internet and talk to home, I don't really care about the holidays. I like sitting at my post looking out watching and waiting. I miss Chris so bad at times that sometimes I think missing him will make me crazy. The wind has been whipping up and it makes visibility bad. I actually prayed for the first time in 20 years asking God for something, I asked God to bless and keep Chris safe. I sent him a watch, I remember him never having one worth anything I hope he likes it. January 3 - The platoon has been pinned down most of the day, I'm writing now, I'm pretty sure this is the last time I'll be able to write. Three of the guys are dead next to me, I've closed their eyes, I couldn't stand them staring out at nothing. I've killed several of the enemy and now it's just a waiting game between them and me. Maybe, help will get here maybe not, I'm okay with it. Chris, I love you buddy, sorry. January 10 - I don't feel like writing much anymore, I've been sick lately unable to eat. I'm down to about 120 and I'm tired all the time, the corpsman thinks I've gotten some type of bug, I'm being sent to a hospital for testing. \par February 1 - I'm heading back to the States for a month. I don't know where to go, I'm going to call Chris and see if he wants to see me. I arrived in Texas at 2am, not thinking I called Chris, he was excited. I asked if he could put me up for a day or so. Chris looked wonderful when he walked in the airport, I stared at him, he looked at me and I knew he could see the tears in my eyes, he wanted to know what was wrong I shrugged my shoulders. We grabbed my luggage and headed back to his house, he actually had a small farm with 10 acres it is beautiful. As soon as we walked in the house, Chris looked at me, I was hoping he was going to hug me but he punched me in the face knocking me down. It didn't hurt it stunned me. He stood above me, red faced calling me a hateful motherfucker, he said I knew he loved and needed me and I was doing nothing but killing him a little everyday, he began to cry and say he wishes he'd died overseas at least that way he wouldn't be in so much pain. I stood up and pulled him in my arms, holding him made me fall apart too. He closed his eyes and rested his head on my shoulder. I told him I did love him but he deserved better and I wanted him to have a good life. He told me without me he'd never have a life and I was the best person in the world. I walked him over to the couch and sat down holding him in my arms. He fell asleep. I kissed the back of his head and gently caressed his soft hair, he smelled of shampoo and soap, I watched him sleep. He was so awesome. I'm not sure what woke me up, it was late morning and Chris was asleep his head resting gently in my lap. I looked down at him and me of all people I began to cry, my tears falling on his face woke him, he looked up at me and asked what was wrong? I told him I needed him but I was scared he'd get tired of me and I didn't know what to do. Chris sat up and kissed me gently, he said I was a sweet and handsome guy that he loved with all his heart. He took my hand we showered then had breakfast before going upstairs to bed. Chris held my head against his chest, he ran his fingers through my hair and told me over and over how much he loved me. He said I was his world and he needed me, as much as I needed him. I held him like he might disappear at any moment. We slept most of the day, when we woke, Chris kissed me, he moved down my body and made love to me, I moaned and he cried out my body felt like it was exploding. I was exhausted as Chris moved up next to me, I kissed him and his chest moving down his body, I touched every inch of him, for the first time I began to think he belonged to me, he loved me. I made love to him slowly his fingers in my hair drove me crazy. He pulled me up beside him before I finished. He looked in my eyes and asked me if I was going to love him forever, I kissed him and said I'd take care of him for the rest of our lives. He placed his legs on my shoulder and very slowly we made love, I'd never felt anything like this in my life. Chris cried out and told me he'd die without me, my entire being exploded inside this boy under me, my family, Chris. March 10 - I got back to base last night. Leaving Chris was the hardest thing I've ever done. He bought me a gold wedding band and told me we were together forever. During my layover in New York, I had three hours and went into the city and bought him a man's band with diamonds on it, he will have it probably tomorrow, I hope he'll email me. Only God can imagine what it is like for me to have someone to love and someone that loves me. Life has meaning, I feel good about being alive I have a purpose. I'm going to the JAG this morning to change everything to Chris I'm not taking any chances, if something happens I need to know he'll be taken care of. He's in college, I'm so proud of him. We had pictures made of us, the lady at the studio kept saying we were two handsome guys, Chris made a big deal of the way I looked, I never considered myself looking any way but ugly, that's how I grew up thinking of myself. Chris made me feel special and he's warned me touching anyone other than him will get me in trouble. Chris will never have to worry about me, I only see him. April 14 - Chris and I talk every chance I have to go into the safe zone and use the Internet. He's doing so well in college I'm really proud. Oh! Chris got the ring he said he cried for a week, he loves me more than anyone he's ever known in his life. He wants me to come home. There have been tons of bombings and attacks everywhere. Since I've been back we've lost 29 guys, I feel so bad for their families. I walked through the line of body bags waiting to be loaded and said a prayer for them. My heart is really heavy over all the losses. I understand these people don't want us in their country we came to help, and there are people that want us here helping it's just that they can't say anything for fear their neighbors will bomb them too, it's a shame. I've got four months to go on my enlistment then I'm going home and start my life. I know this sounds funny but I'm thinking about becoming a Physician's Assistant or a Nurse, I want to help people, I think with Chris' help I could learn the coursework. He thinks I'd be a hot nurse, he said he'd be sick all the time. We'll see. April 30 - I've been out of commission for a couple of days. I was walking patrol when a roadside bomb went off. I was far enough away that I didn't get hurt, but I was close enough to have debris fly into my face. I look like someone shot me in the face with buckshot. I spent the last four days in sickbay; I won't have any permanent scars. The problem I'm having is with my eyes, they won't focus yet and the doctor said it would be a week or so, I'm sitting in the dark writing, doctor's orders. I called Chris, he cried and begged me to come home. He had me crying before we said goodbye, I told him I loved him with all my heart. May 20 - My eyes aren't getting any better, they're getting worse and I'm scared to death. I haven't told Chris anything I couldn't stand losing him. I'm being MEDIVAC to a military hospital with a specialist. May 29 - The doctor saw me as soon as I arrived, he examined me then ordered a CAT scan and some other tests he put his hand on my shoulder and said he'd do everything he could. June 30 - I'm going to be blind, a chemical in the bomb is destroying my optical nerve and there isn't a way to stop or reverse it. I can't be blind, Chris deserves better. The doctor's told me I would be able to go home in another week, I cried. July 1 - When I woke up Chris was standing over me, his hand on the side of my face. He cried as he told me we were a team no matter what, he said the blindness didn't mean anything because we had each other. He made me swear to be his family he showed me his ring. July 9 - This is the last time I'll write, my eye sight is almost gone, I'll always be able to see shadows and light and dark but I'll never be able to read a book or watch television. Chris is enrolling me in Braille classes. I was discharged with a Purple Heart and full disability on behalf of a grateful nation. Chris is with me, he hasn't left my side for a moment, somehow I'm going to learn to do everything I can to make him happy, I love him with all my life. I got lucky all I lost was my sight, but I gained Chris, a lot of my buddies lost their lives and rest as eternal soldiers, in my heart they are the true heroes, they gave their full measure.