Date: Sun, 20 Nov 2005 11:32:52 +0100
From: Peter C <Peter_Co@web.de>
Subject: Different

DIFFERENT
Copyright 2000/2005 by Peter (Peter_Co@web.de)

*.*.*

The german original of this short story was written in 2000 and
published on a few websites and in a couple of print magazines. Just
for fun I tried to translate it into english, submitting it to the
nifty archive, where I'm reading stories since 1997.

Comments are always welcome. --> Peter_Co@web.de

*.*.*

I never thought I could fall so deep. Just how did I end up here?
Barely 18, living a nice, satisfying life only weeks ago. And now?
Expeled from my peers, isolated, excluded - a free and easy target for
the mockery of the people around me. Only because I'm DIFFERENT.

My life was so easy. Kind of popular, accepted, lots of friends, and
even a working love life ;-) But all this is gone now. And only because
of my mom. She just couldn't resist the job offer. Not bad, a new job,
more money, really nice. But ... not only a new job. A new home, too.
Far away from the life of my past, from the place I grew up, from my
friends for crying out loud! And now I was thrown into this ... this
*place*. A place where I always will be no more than an outsider.

"Don't worry, Lucas", that's what mom said, "don't worry, I guarantee
you there will be others who feel like you." Great! Oh yes, there are a
few such people, only a few though. And for each and every one of them
their BEING DIFFERENT is the major point of their whole life. No, I
can't stand such people, not if my life would depend on them! Always
the same talk about the newest conquests in all the graphic details.
Not the least attractive to me - not attractive but in fact repulsive.
And because I tend to say what I think, I've lost the last chance of
being friends with the few people who are DIFFERENT like me.

The others? The ones I'm so DIFFERENT from? Giggling after PE, in the
showers where I always retreat to the farthest corner, turning myself
to the wall. Faltering conversations as soon as I'm near a group of
lively talking class mates. Not to talk about the teasing in the
classrooms and corridors. "Hi, Lucky, another weekend alone with your
right hand?" "Sweety, interested in a night with me? Oh, sorry, I
forgot: you're DIFFERENT."

Why me? Why am *I* the one to be DIFFERENT? Not that I didn't try to
fit in. Ha! I've gone so far to try a romantic night, just for not
being DIFFERENT anymore. Of course it ended in a disaster. No, I never
could be something what I'm not, someone who I'm not. So I'll continue
to be the loner, the one who doesn't fit in anywhere. No friends, not
even acquaintances. My friends from the past, the ones I grew up with
for 17 years and the ones who accepted me for who I am ... well, we're
writing emails to each other on a regular basis, and they feel sorry
for me, but can they help me? Nope. No way. Even if there weren't those
thousands of miles between us - I doubt that one of them would visit me
*here*. Not that they would be in danger here. I'm not in danger here,
oh no. No real threats were ever made, no bodily harm was ever done to
me. They all are much to "tolerant" for such things. But I soon found
out that too much tolerance often becomes a sign of arrogance and
disdain. I guess I could take open aggression better than this
"generous toleration" as a more or less acceptable lower beeing which
isn't worth the attention of those who are not DIFFERENT.

And after school's out? Everything's fine? Dream on. Wherever I go I
get the same contemptuous, mildly amused looks from the people who are
not like me, who are not DIFFERENT. Meaning approx. 90 percent of all
the people around. I can't remember how often I heard the salesperson
breaking out in laughter, the other patrons joining in, after me
leaving the newsstand. And only because I bought my favorite mags.
Guess I should be thankful he at least sells those "perverse
literature". The same goes for buying my music, renting my videos. It's
always the same, and I can read it in the faces of the people around.
First open interest, than badly hidden surprise, and ending with the
pinched faces of someone who barely can hold back his laughter. I'm
always glad if they at least wait with their exploding laughter till
I'm out of the shop.

My places of retreat? There's only one, our little house, in which I
more and more lock myself up, trying to avoid and forget the world of
those who aren't DIFFERENT. Four rooms of freedom, without the constant
threat of the "normal" world around me. That's the place where I can
relax for a while, where I can pity myself without disturbance. The
only place where I'm not DIFFERENT. In the past - in another time,
hell, in another life - I used to have friends sleeping over all the
time. But now? Here? Who wants to share a room with someone who's
DIFFERENT?

And what am I doing in my little own world of four rooms? Sitting
lonely on my bed, brooding over my situation, writing such bullshit
like this. Pure self defence. Of course it doesn't help. I'm sure, I'll
never forgive mom for this disaster in my life. Never. Did I tell you
that I was doing really good before our move? I did? Okay, I can't say
it often enough. One day I was happy and content with the world, and
then ... then I'm finding myself here. In San Francisco. In that queer
Castro district. At this Highschool of Arts. As one of only a handful
of straights amongst hundreds, what do I say: amongst thousands of gays
and lesbians!

God, how I hate being DIFFERENT!