Date: Sun, 25 Jan 2009 19:49:54 EST
From: Buontempi@aol.com
Subject: I don't know how to love him

Back in the late 60's and early 70's I worked in a bakery.  While there I
had a co-worker that was a little younger than me.  He was from another New
England state and moved here with his wife and two young daughters.  I also
had two young daughters.  We became friends and sometimes our families
socialized together.  He was shorter than I, slight build and had red hair.
My friendship towards him ran deeper than he suspected or so I thought.

I had been attracted to the same sex since I was 7 or 8, but because of my
social environment, and he times ( growing up in the 50's ) I was scared to
death about it and remained very closeted most of my life.  Charles ( not  his
real name ) and I debated politics and religion almost daily and although we
were on opposite spectrums it really brought us closer together.  Where we  use
to change up in the locker room I would always try to delay just enough to
sneak a look at his bare legs and the mound in his briefs.  This was always  a
turn-on for me.  I also lusted after another taller young man that we  were
both friendly with.  Both were in my fantasy when I would jerk  off which was
often.

One day Charles asked me if I liked the musical "Jesus Christ  Superstar".  I
being a Roman Catholic and he a Protestant who had rejected  his religion
made it kind of a strange question from him.  You see, at that  time Superstar
was frowned upon by the Catholic Church. He expressed  surprise when he learned
that I did like the music.  But I really didn't  know much about the play.  I
did buy the album and listened to it at  home.  In later years both my wife
and I grew to love the music and we  eventually saw the play three times.

I left the place that we were both employed but I kept contact with Charles
either by phone or by family visits.

After not hearing from Charles for a few weeks I got a telephone call from
him one night.  He asked me if I had time to talk and if I was alone in the
room.  I told it was okay to chat a while.  He then asked me to put on Mary
Madeline's song.  I did and he made me go to these lines and then stop.  I
did: " I don't know how to love him... I don't know why he moves me. He's a
man, he's just a man and I've had so many men before in oh so many ways,
he's just one more.  Should I bring him down.....  I went back to the phone
and told him that I listened to the lines and he asked me what I thought.
I had be so closeted for so long and so guarded of my "secret" that I
didn't know what to think or even if I could trust myself or him so I said
what do you mean by this.  He said "I think you know but you are not going
to get me to say the words' We stayed connected on the phone in silence
what seemed like and hour.  I was feeling flush inside and getting aroused
but shaking all over.  I couldn't bring myself to pursue it further.  We
eventually hung up and I was privately brought to tears because it was just
another of a few unfulfilled desires.  We never brought it up again but
Charles from that day on was cool to me and I don't blame him.

 I have been a widower for several years now.  Last year I tried  to look him
up but to no avail.  Just to see how life had treated  him.  I hope that it
was all good, because I really did love him in my own  way.  He was more than a
dear friend to me. Many a nights "Charles"  ,in my fantasy, was in my arms as
we fell asleep together.