Date: Thu, 13 Feb 2014 14:29:21 -0500
From: Morris Henderson <bigmoh@post.com>
Subject: New Story: "LOOKING BACK"

LOOKING BACK

It was just after midnight on the first day of 2014.  The warmth of
the New Year's Eve Champaign toasts infused Peter Wilson
with a comforting serenity.  It had been an extraordinarily
pleasant ten-day holiday visit with his son, Jamie and daughter-
in-law, Suzanne.  And meeting his first grandchild, eighteen-
month-old Cody was the realization of a dream.  Becoming a
grandfather was a source of both pride and happiness.  He
consciously suppressed thoughts of the tedious flight home from
Seattle to Massachusetts just two days hence.  It would have
only dampened his spirits.  Better, he thought, to savor being
with his youngest son and the bright and beautiful Suzanne.
But nearing the end of his visit, he would soon be confronted
with the unpleasant reality of having to return home.

The three contented adults were comfortably seated in the living
room.  Much of their conversation was reflecting on Jamie's life
as he grew from a charming infant to a mature adult.  Breaking
the trajectory of the conversation, Peter said, "I retire in two
years and I've been thinking about how best to enjoy my so-
called `Golden Years'.  During my visit here I've been impressed
with the area.  What would you think of my moving here?"  Peter
misinterpreted the surprised expressions his question and
feared his idea was unwelcome so he hastened to add, "Not
here in your home!  I'd find a condo.  And I wouldn't intrude in
your lives unless invited."

The gracious Suzanne said, "I think it would be wonderful.  You
would be able to see your grandson grow up.  And cheer him as
he plays T-Ball or Soccer.  He would love that.  And we would,
too."

Jamie's reaction was less enthusiastic.  "What about your other
children?  Don't you want to be close to Josh and Juliana?"

"Of course," Peter replied.  "But Josh is at the Air Force
Academy and who knows where he'll be after that.  And Juliana
will soon be going away to college and who knows where she'll
go to graduate school.  I can take every opportunity to visit with
them whenever it's possible.  But for the foreseeable future,
neither will have a permanent residence.  When they do, I can
reconsider my options."  Peter reflected on the wording of
Jamie's question and asked his son, "Would you object to my
living nearby?  You've always been honest with me.  So tell me
how you really feel about my idea."

"It's a terrific idea.  We'd love to have you closer than two
thousand miles away.  And not be limited to talking by Skype
occasionally.

"In that case," Peter said, "I'll keep the option open for the next
two years."

"Great!" Jamie exclaimed.  "And if you're as good at grandpa-ing
as you were at fathering, Cody will be the luckiest kid in the
world."

"Speaking of Cody," Suzanne said, "I think I'll check on him.  He
probably needs a fresh diaper.  And, if you don't mind, I'll turn
in.  You two can go to bed whenever you're tired or run out of
things to talk about ... whichever comes first."

Peter replied.  "Before you go, let me repeat my thanks for your
hospitality.    I'm aware of the extra work I've caused and I
admire you tolerating me for so long."

"Poppycock!" she laughed.  "It's been a pure delight to have you
here.  All the nice things Jamie has said about you are true."

"That's kind of you," Peter replied.  "But in the meantime, let's
keep in touch with Skype.  And be sure to include Cody in at
least some of the sessions."

"Really, Dad, we want you to visit as often as you can.  Maybe
next time Josh and Juliana can come with you.  I haven't seen
them since our wedding."

"Almost three years ago.  I'm just glad the timing was right,"
Peter mused as he recalled how proud he was of his three
children on that festive day.  "Josh left soon afterwards for the
Air Force Academy and Juliana started her senior year in High
School.  Perhaps you can visit us in Hyannis ... whenever little
Cody can travel and you two can schedule the time.  Turning to
Suzanne and smiling broadly, he gushed, "You've been a
charming host, Suzanne.  You're not only beautiful and
vivacious but I admire your talents."

"Hey," Jamie interrupted.  "You're not coming on to my wife, are
you?"

Peter laughed and replied, "If I were forty years younger ... and
straight ... and if you two were not already married ... I'd try my
damnedest to win her affection."

They all laughed heartily until Suzanne said, "Good night."

Jamie and his father sat wordlessly for several minutes.  Peter's
thoughts centered on his son's very good fortune to have
married such a bright and beautiful woman and upon the
undeniable love they shared.  Jamie, however, was reflecting on
his childhood, his two loving and lovable dads, and the many
joyful times his parents had provided for him and for his younger
brother and sister.  With wisdom born of hindsight, Jamie
recognized and appreciated his parents' strong commitment to
the family.  They taught their children to be responsible.  They
consistently urged their children, from an early age, to strive to
be the best — in school, at sports, in life.  They were
dependably available to listen to their children's concerns and
thoughtfully offered advice on how to handle problems not the
least of which was being raised by two gay men.

Jamie broke the silence.  "I said this before, Dad, and I'll keep
saying it.  I couldn't have had better parents than you and
Harry."

Peter's mood darkened at the mention of his long-time partner
and short-time husband who died unexpectedly from a heart
attack just two and a half years ago.  Recognizing his father's
expression, Jamie said, "Sorry, Dad.  I didn't mean to bring back
any painful memories."

"Quite all right, Son.  Yes, I mourned his passing for a long time
but I've almost gotten over it.  I miss him.  But death—even
premature death—is part of living, isn't it.  I focus on the
blessing of the forty years we had together.  And for the right to
marry him as soon as Massachusetts allowed it in oh-three."

"That was a happy day for all of us," Jamie said.

"That it was!  Even though Josh and Juliana were unsure how to
refer to their new dad.  They were only eight and ten years old
and it took a long time before they stopped calling him `Harry.'  I
remember trying to convince them that he was now their step-
father so it would be appropriate to honor him with the title of
`dad'.

Jamie laughed and said, "Yeah, I had a bit of a problem, too.  I
always thought of him as my second dad ... mostly, I suppose
because as a free-lance writer he worked from home and was
always there when I got home from school with a snack that a
fourteen-year-old boy had to have to make it through to dinner."

"Yes," Peter laughed.  "And your appetite was awesome!  But
Josh surpassed even you as he went through his teens.  Juliana
was different.  Maybe because she wasn't active in sports like
you and Josh ... or maybe it's just a guy thing."

"Guy thing?" Jamie asked.  "About the only times I've heard that
phrase it's about a macho he-man or a guy wanting to take a
pretty girl to bed.  But, of course, people who use that phrase
are generally straight.  They'd never say that a gay man was
doing a `guy thing.'"

Both men settled into a reflection on straight versus gay
characteristics and behavior.  At length, Peter said, "We've had
a lot of conversations as you were growing up about gays.  And
about having two dads.  And about the bigotry.  And about the
abuse you endured for having two dads.  But there's one thing
we've never talked about.  You don't have to answer but I need
to ask, "Were you ever tempted to experiment with gay sex?"

Jamie was taken aback by the unexpected turn in the
conversation, thought for just a moment or two, and replied,
"Yes.  Not only tempted but I had a few ... ah ... interesting
encounters.  It was my junior year in high school.  The
quarterback on the football team got very friendly with me.  At
first I was surprised that he'd even talk to a bench-warmer.  In
retrospect, I realize why he did.  Knowing that I had gay parents,
he suspected that I would be too.  Toward the end of the football
season, he asked if I would help him cram for an algebra test.  I
agreed and met him at his house.  After only about thirty
minutes of study, his comments grew very suggestive.  At first, I
tried to explain them away to myself but it became obvious what
he wanted.  I agreed.  Why?  Because I was curious about the
things you and Harry did and how it felt."  Jamie stopped talking,
hoping that he wouldn't have to say any more.

"Thanks for the candor," Peter said.  "But since you're married
and are obviously deeply in love with Suzanne, I'll assume that
you didn't find it to your liking.

"Oh, I liked it," Jamie replied, abandoning his hope that the
subject of the conversation would change.  "I liked it enough to
have a few more experiences with him.  But as I gave it some
serious thought, I realized that it was purely physical
gratification.  The only psychological satisfaction was, perhaps,
doing something `naughty' and getting away with it.
Significantly, I was still attracted more to girls and knew
instinctively that I could only be truly happy married to a
woman."  Jamie paused before adding, "I wanted the love and
companionship that you and Harry enjoyed.  That had to be with
a wife.  When I told him that, he was very upset.  The breakup
was ugly.  He never spoke to me again."

"For what it's worth, Son, I'm extraordinarily pleased that you
and Suzanne fell in love.  I suppose I'd feel the same way if you
were gay and found a loving partner.  But we are what we are
and we should celebrate the difference."

Impulsively, Jamie rose from his chair and hugged his dad while
saying, "I love you, Dad.  For all you've done for me and for all
that you are."

Peter, normally in tight control of his emotions, began to tear up
as he replied, "I love you, too, Son.  And I couldn't be more
proud of the man you've become."

Jamie, after several moments, broke the hug, and returned to
his chair.  Both men were lost in their own thoughts for several
minutes.  Each had his unique perspective on the father-son
relationship and both were grateful that it was so strong and
gratifying.

Jamie broke the silence.  "You asked me a question about my
sex like.  May I ask you one?"

"Of course."  Peter grinned and added, "If I have the same
option not to answer it."

"Harry's been gone for over two years.  Have you thought about
having another partner?  You're still a vigorous, handsome man.
You must have the same needs."

Peter smiled broadly and said, "As long as it's confession time, I
suppose I can give you an answer.  It took a long time after
Harry's passing but yes, there's another man in my life.  His
name is Jon Barrington.  Do you remember the Portside
restaurant in Hyannis?  He owns it.  Harry and I enjoyed a
number of meals there and we both got to know Jon.  I've been
going there more frequently in the last couple of years and Jon
has been very friendly ... VERY friendly.  Does that tell you
anything?"

"So you two are...."

Peter didn't respond right away.  It wasn't because he was
hesitant to admit the nature of the bond with Jon but because of
a mischievous delight in his son's apparent reluctance to pry
into private affairs.

"If it's none of my business, Dad..."

"I know I reserved the right not to answer your questions.  But I
will.  Jon and I have spent a few wonderful nights together.
He's no Harry.  I don't need another live-in partner or another
marriage.  He's a widower and feels the same way.  It's purely
... what do they call it nowadays?  He's a `friend with benefits.'
We both understand it's just physical gratification and we're
comfortable with that arrangement.  We also understand that
neither of us have abundant time to enjoy ourselves.  He's fifty
and has more time than me but we thoroughly enjoy the time we
have together."

"I'm very happy for you, Dad."

"You don't feel I'm betraying Harry or dishonoring his memory?"

"Not at all.  You have the memory of forty-one years together.  I
know you treasure those memories.  And I'm quite sure he
would be delighted that you've found someone else."

"Matter of fact, we discussed that long before he died.  Each of
us encouraged the other to seek companionship should one of
us die or become incapacitated.  I was absolutely sure,
however, that I wouldn't try to find what I felt would be a poor
replacement for Harry.  I suspect that he was thinking the same
way.  Still, each of us had the approval from the other to find a
new partner."

"Do Josh and Juliana know about this?"

"No.  And I don't expect to tell them.  But if they ask, I'll be as
honest with them as I've been with you.  And if you're
concerned, I'll never mention your escapades with the
quarterback."

Jamie checked his watch.  "It's well past one o'clock, Dad.
Cody will be awake in a few hours.  Do you mind if we get some
shut-eye?"

"Not at all, Son.  But there's one more thing I must do.  Stand
up."

The request was puzzling but Jamie stood.  Peter seized him in
a tight embrace and said, "I love you.  As much as I loved Harry
... but differently, of course.  No dad could have a better son."

Jamie held his father in a long embrace, saying, "I love you, too,
Dad.  And won't tell Josh that you think I'm better than him."

Peter broke the hug, punched Jamie playfully in the shoulder,
and exclaimed, "Where's the logic you're so good at.  I said I
couldn't have a better son than you.  I could say the same to
Josh.  You're BOTH equally superior.  Now let's go to bed."

"What's that mean, Dad?  Are you horney?"

Flustered at the double meaning of his suggestion to go to bed,
Peter stuttered, "Yes!  But what I meant was ... Oh, never mind."

Peter left the room for the guest bedroom, leaving Jamie
grinning.

The end