Date: Mon, 1 Nov 2004 20:51:54 -0500
From: Shane R <srembe@nightprowler.org>
Subject: Love Hurts

Love hurts
By:  {NiGhtProwler}

This isn't a fictional story, this is all true.  From every last
description to every last statement, it's exactly how I feel and have
always felt.  I'm writing it down so maybe I can read it or someone else
can read it and tell me why I feel the way I do.  When someone reads it, it
may be too late, and they can understand how messed up my head is.

I hate love.  Some of this is simply thoughts in order of writing as I
think them out.  I'm just letting my emotions flow this out.  I'll try to
keep grammar and spelling the best I can but I won't be editing it much.


***********************


It's always seemed like whatever or whoever I love either doesn't love me
back or is pulled away from me.

What really has me tore up is my sincere love for someone I've known for
about 4 years.

It all started 4 years ago, in a chat room online.  I started talking to
someone who at the time was as unimportant as a stranger on the street you
see.  We talked for a while, and he sent me a picture of him.  I remember
seeing the picture and thinking way out of my league.  He wasn't perfect
but just didn't look like the type to like me.  I was very over weight
during this time and well I wouldn't of wanted to date me, so I kind of had
that impression about everyone toward me.  As I found later on, that wasn't
totally true.

This person became a friend I started talking to on a regular basis online.
We traded porn pics and movies and just joked.  A few times he even did
shows on a webcam for me.  As much as liked them, I generally felt bad
watching them as if I were using him.

Time rolled on from there.  Months passed and our friendship began getting
stronger and stronger.  We talked to each other everynight at the same
time.  If one of us wasn't there, the other let it be known that it better
not happen again.  Always in a joking way.  We discussed all kinds of
personal things that we wouldn't dare ever tell people we really knew.  We
kind of bonded in that way ..that we really trusted each other.  Or so it
seemed to me from the impressions I always got.

I was starting to get attached to this friend.  I started thinking about
him more and more when I wasn't online.  He became someone I talked about
in my day to day life like I knew him personally.  He often told me he did
the same, and I believed it.

Things began getting really confusing toward the end of 2002.  We began
saying those damned evil words (or so they feel right now), "I Love You."
What did LOVE mean to me and to him?  Perhaps it has always been two
different things.  I took Love as something stronger..something that from
the beginning always felt like it was building and strengthening into
something more important than just a friendship.  Confusion came to me when
at times he would act like that were true saying things that really made my
heart swell.

In October of 2002, we discussed meeting in person for the first time.  I
was scared to meet him due to my size.  He's said sense that it didn't
matter, because we were just friends.  I went into a gym one afternoon and
joined.  For 10 months, I lived and breathed perfect physical fitness
losing well over 100 pounds so I could feel comfortable meeting him face to
face.  Many people don't realize..and maybe he doesn't that the whole
inspiration to do that was him.  If that doesn't show love, I don't know
what does.  Many days I didn't want to go, but I just thought about why I
was doing it and went on.

Early in 2003 around March 2003, the first real blow and heartbreak hit.
He met someone and started dating them.  Now, I know and understand why.
How I felt probably had no bearing on his day to day life as he didn't
know, and well probably didn't care..and even if he did ..if it wasn't want
he wanted didn't matter.  It still hurt.  I had this perception that he
felt stronger for me and suddenly, he was there less.  Someone else was
taking time.  It seemed to me once again someone I love was being taken
away.  We had a long rocky argument there for a while, and I had intended
to cancel the trip and just walk away from him.  Feeling that way for
someone online just was wrong, but we made up and came out of it actually
feeling tighter.

A few months went by and things were normal again until May 2003 when again
I was faced with the same thing.  He met someone that made him happy.  It
was rocky again the first few months between us as he was online less and
less.  Early in the online friendship thing, we always had a ritual of
giving each other a hug and a kiss before going signing off at night...as
well as I love you.  Suddenly that all stopped.  He couldn't be bothered
with saying it anymore because his new boyfriend didn't like it.  Again, a
rip in my heart.  By July when I made my trip to visit we had pretty much
patched things up.

The visit went ok.  I was happy but yet disappointed.  I had looked forward
to hugging and kissing this person that meant so much.  It didn't go that
way.  I was disappointed but went along with it try to be happy.  It was
weird to me to be with someone who for over a year would have gotten pissey
had I not typed the words "hugs" in a chat window wouldn't hug me.  Was it
cause I was hideous?  Was it cause he never really meant it?  I never knew
the answer.  I didn't believe either.  I may have been a big guy, but I'm
not ugly.  The trip ended with me having to meet his boyfriend and see them
hugging and kissing.  It really hurt, but I tried to ignore it.  Soon the
trip was over, and I left.  I had a 10 hour plus drive home to cry and
think.  Another rip in my heart...

Again, I felt like I was fucked up and needed to end it.  But the thought
of killing any part of our friendship was to hard to contemplate..  The
best thing I could do was try to take my mind of him by finding someone
else.  After nearly a year in the gym night and day I was looking good.  I
placed a personal and a guy quickly.  We ended up dating 6 months.  I liked
him, but never really loved him.  That killed me to run the lines of
hurting him.  I never could totally commit to him simply because of my
feelings for my online friend.  He was crazy about me (not trying to sound
vain..he was very crazy about me).  I believe that's why it went on for so
long when he knew I wasn't fully commited.  Although my mind frequently was
on (from here on out I'll call him Bryan..being the online frined) Bryan,
he stuck it out.

Around Feb of 2004, my boyfriend finally came to me with an ultimatum and I
said no either deal with my feelings and help me work them out or you can
go. I tried making clear to him I couldn't get rid of my feelings for Bryan
no matter how or what I tried.  At this point in Feb, I had been to visit
Bryan twice.

If you're reading this, you may be thinking that I simply have an
obsession with wanting to just fuck Bryan.  I will admit I think Bryan is
sexy.  He has a sweet voice and is very caring..all of that is a big turn
on.  Sex is not what I care about.  If someone came to me right now and
said "You can be with Bryan for the rest of your life, but never have sex
with him." I would take them up on it in a heartbeat.  I don't know what I
wouldn't sacrifice for that.

In March 2004, another friend of Bryans and I made it to see him again for
his 21st birthday.  Before leaving I knew from previous visits how I'd
probably come back feeling.  I usually went with fun on my mind and sad and
depressed when I had to leave.  I was wrong on that trip.  While there, we
discussed the possibility of me packing up and moving to where he lived.
Mushy feelings aside, we always had fun together.  At this point I had told
Bryan my feelings a few times, and his response was never one of theres no
chance in hell of us.  The response was always, your too far away for
anything serious.  So thoughts of moving and the possibility that something
may come from it was very strong.  At the very least being able to see my
friend on a regular basis was interesting.  I thought perhaps seeing him
more often would show me more of him that would cure those yearnings to be
with him and just be a friend.  Time after time being with him or near him
only makes it worse.

I left that first time in March with plans to return in a few weeks for a
job interview.  I went back again just a few weeks later for the interview.
Again, had a good time.  This was trip #4.  Also, I still noticed that
although nightly when we'd talk the hugs and kisses and statements of love
were there everynight, but when I was face to face, they never came unless
I actually begged for a hug..which I hated doing.  Usually after leaving,
I'd question this to him and get some excuse.  The first time it was well I
didn't know how affectionate I should be, I'll do better next time.  The
time after that was well I never really thought about it.  Maybe I put too
much emphasis on this.  I'm sure if he ever were to read this he'd think
twice about wanting to hug me every again.  Regardless, those little things
once again put another rip in my heart.

The job was offered to me, but at much lower wage than what I make at home
so I couldn't afford to move.  The whole moving thing slowly diminished and
months moved on.

I knew Bryan was rocky with his boyfriend he had been with almost a year at
that point.  It was May 04.  On a personal level I actually kinda like his
boyfriend.  But if after reading this, you can't understand how jealous I
was of him maybe you should stop reading or start over.  I was never
positive but I was positive he was jealous of me too.  They eventually
broke up for reasons I didn't know at the time.  The reason isn't really
important.  Although I was honestly sad for him to lose someone I knew he
loved, a part of me was also happy.  I hated that feeling.  Bryan had to
know though how I felt.

Trip #5 came in July 2004. I had plans to take Bryan to a concert.  He was
single again, so a big portion of me thought wow, maybe now he'll open up.
Again though he was polite but basically showed absolutely no interest.  We
had a good time at the concert, but again no hugs unless I specifically
asked for one.  How can someone love you so much that they need to be
reminded to show it.

The depression of all this confusion and heartbreak started really building
the year before after I met him and met my ex.  I stopped caring about my
self and working out. I began gaining weight and started smoking.  People
still don't understand why or what happened that made me do it.  As I said
near the beginning, most don't know why I ever started to begin with Bryan.
Once I honestly began losing hope that I could change myself enough to make
me perfect enough for him I stopped caring and depression began building.

At the end of trip #5, I finally got bold enough and asked for a kiss and
was quickly shot down.  He was single.  He told me I needed to do something
special or come back a 6th time.  He hates smokers, and I had smoked, so
maybe that why.  But in the past I had never smoked the first 2 times I
visited, so the excuse added more confusion.  The kiss refusal came minutes
before he left for work and I got in my car to drive 10 hours home.  He got
in his car and never even said I love you.  Again...another rip in my
heart...

I drove home once again swearing to try to put an end to it.  I cried for
about an hour after I left.  10 hours is a mighty long time to be with your
thoughts and by yourself to be sad...or so I thought.

After that trip, Bryan again met another guy.  This time he actually lied
to me about it, seeming to hide the person.  Telling me he was going to
check out a mall one day out of the blue.  Why he didn't really tell me I
don't understand.  Maybe he realized how emotional I was and was trying not
to upset me.

We again had arguments about it.  I almost ended things meaning my life one
night.  I was so depressed and lonely.  If you're lonely why don't you go
find someone else?  I tried that that once and ended up hurting someone
else.  Until I can totally get Bryan out of my heart in the way he's there
now, I'm scared shitless to try.

In October, Bryan finally after 2 years made the trip to visit me.  He
brought his best friend with him who usually hangs out with us there.
Although we shared a lot of laughs and generally had a lot of fun during
the 5 days there were here, a lot of new questions and things happened.
The first thing of course was no hugs at all until he left.  No I love you
at all.  I didn't dare ask for a kiss.

There were many thing said and done that make me really question whether he
really means I love you.  Simple things like trust.  He carried a pocket
knife with him the whole time he was here.  The very first night he was
here, he flicked it open and made it clear he had it "just in case."  It
made me feel horrible that he thought I'd do anything to hurt him.

He and his friend both basically slept in their clothes in the living the
whole time they were here, as if I would try something on them while they
were sleeping.

Maybe I'm over reacting to these things, they did drive a long way to come
here, but it just seemed like I wasn't trusted by him at all.

They finally left this morning.  I felt too sad all day to even goto work.
10 hours sure is a long time to drive when your sad, but it does help you
get over the pain before you get home.  I've been sitting here all day with
reminders of him being here.  I lay on the couch crying cause I miss them.
My heart is ripped again...

My heart isn't just ripped, it's just as confused as me.  While he was
here, my heart glowed sometimes just being near him or talking to him.
Other times he'd say things, that literally made me hurt.  Hearing him talk
about other guys or pointing out guys that I know are way closer to what I
think he wants than me.  It all hurts.

I sat down here an hour ago to write all this down. I don't know what I'll
do with it.  Maybe I'll send it to the one it's about, or post it for
others to read and either tell me how pathetic I am or maybe even help me
find a solution to it all.

My heart is about ready to fall a part.  Right now, I don't care if I carry
on or not.  If I moved to where he lives I might be happy or it may be
worse.  I really don't think I could stand seeing first hand him loving
someone else again.

My only choice is to deal with it and hurt, or stop caring and stop talking
to him.  Either way, it hurts.

I love him to death and I cry as I type this.  I've never cared for anyone
as much as him.  I don't know why I do.

I hate love?  I grew up hearing the old song Love Hurts on classic rock
stations never understanding what I meant.  The song has it totally right.
Love hurts BAD.

Thanks for listening to me ramble on about this.


*******

Bryan, if you do end up reading this, which I'm sure you will.  You
probably are thinking what the hell?  I seemed fine when you were here.  I
always do, I have a good way of hiding these feelings.  I'm afraid if I
express them I'll be shot down.  Regardless, you'll probably shake your
head and not understand.  You'll probably end up with someone like we both
know you want and maybe be happy.  I can guarantee this, if you have any
ounce of faith in what I say...you'll never find anyone that cares for you
the way I do...


Would appreciate any feedback on this being sent to
prowlie@nightprowler.org