Date: Sun, 1 Apr 2001 10:46:44 -0700 (PDT)
From: Ron <jaspers_run@hotmail.com>
Subject: Ron's Coming Out

   *this is a True Story about my struggle*

   "My Story of Coming Out"


         I am not sure where to begin because there
are so many different avenues, and they all
start at the same point.  I guess the best place
is from my earliest childhood memories of boys,
and thoughts of boys.
I was always curious about other boys, and
what they had inside their pants. I am guessing
that I was around 8 years old when I took on a
significant effort to view other boys. I can
remember spending extra time in the locker
room at the local pool so that I'd have a better
chance of seeing someone naked. I was smart
enough to know how to conceal my curiosity by
keeping busy.  Instead of just sitting in the
corner, and watching other boys change clothes,
I would be in a slow motion act of changing my
own so that no one would suspect me. On the
outside of the locker room while I was actually
swimming, I can remember standing in line at
the diving board. There was always several
people in line so, this gave me an opportunity
to see people standing still, rather than
walking, or running around. When they were
standing, I could check out the "bump" inside
their swim suites without the distortion of it
moving.  I must admit that I had a pretty good
plan for such a young kid, as I would time
myself with others so that I ended up in line
close to them.  I did this by leaning against the
fence "resting" then when the right person was
headed for the diving line, I would start
walking that way as well.
Now I know what you must be thinking, this guy
was a little gay boy at age 8, and that's not the
case at all.  I actually had no idea why I was
checking out boys, and to be honest, I don't
remember gay people existing.  I was just a
curious little boy.
This type of thing happened with me all through
my early school years.  I can remember sitting
in the third grade reading group.  I would
follow along in my book, and keep an eye on
crotches too.  Now for any of you that are older,
I know you must be rolling your eyes because
what third grader has a crotch worth staring at?
You are exactly right BUT, to another third
grader, that wasn't such a dead view.


I have spent some time telling about my very
early years.  Now I will move up to some other
things so this doesn't get too boring.
I did my share of sleep-overs with friends from
school, or kids of the friends my parents had
from work.  We did all the normal stuff that
boys do, then it would be time for bed. Boys are
never ready for bed when they are TOLD to go
there so, we'd lie there talking for a while.  The
conversations always seemed to head for girls,
or sex.  I had several friends where I spent the
night, or they came to my house.  Some of them
were more timid than others, and in those
cases, we never did much else but talk.
The friends that were more fun were the ones
that I did stuff with after bedtime.
It would always start with the usual girls, sex,
and such, then it would escalate into telling
each other we've popped a boner, and then into
possibly showing off our boner to the other one.
Showing off the boner was really more like
breaking the ice because once it was shown the
first time, it was the normal thing to do on the
future sleep-overs.  We never did anything
really, it was just a "show me show you" type of
deal. One of my friends was more ambitious
than I was, and we often took showers together
when we got ready for bed. Still there was no
weird stuff going on, just a couple of boys
taking a shower.  Yes, we might have boners
but, nothing was happening as it was a cool
thing to show off the boner.  I was too young at
that point to KNOW about anything else to do
with my body besides show it off.


Now skipping up a few more years.
I went all through Junior High, and High School
with the same feelings.  I was curious to SEE
other naked boys BUT, I still had no clue that I
was gay.  "Talk about being a dumb-ass"
Gym class was the BEST for me.  I always looked
forward to the shower, and being able to see
other guys.  There was something different
about me from most of the other guys when it
came to changing clothes.  All the other guys
seemed to be in a great big hurry to change as
quickly as possible so fewer people could see
them in either their undies, or naked.  I was not
like that at all.  I took my time changing, and I
never made any efforts to hide my body from
others.  In fact, I may have even enjoyed the
fact that someone was watching me change
clothes.  During these years in the upper
grades, I still did not date anyone.  I simply
was not attracted to girls.  I hadn't realized
that I was gay, and I actually thought that
some day it would all hit me, then BOOM, I
would like girls.  WRONG!


It was a long time after school when I finally
realized that I must be gay.  It did not hit me
like a brick one morning, I gradually thought
about it for a few weeks.  I have to say that it
was not easy coming to the conclusion that I
was doomed to be this way.
I don't think it's anything that a guy ever Hopes
for in his life.  After deciding I was gay, I made
the decision to never pursue a gay relationship,
and I would live alone the rest of my life.  What
a stupid thing for me to do..!!!!!


Now, I will finally tell the main part of my
Coming Out Story.  I hope that I have not lost
all of my readers by now?


I have to give Credit to the Internet for me ever
being able to come out.  I started going on line
looking for other gay guys.  I would spend time
in the gay chat rooms.  I was comfortable
talking to other gay people because they were
not HERE in my bed room so I was safe from
being exposed.
I am the Honest type.  I never feel the need to
lie about anything, and I made several on line
friends along the way.  Most of them were short
term, and would vanish a few weeks, or months
after meeting.  There are still a handful of
people that I've known since the first days of
my Internet travels, and they are like GOLD to
me.


There was one person that I knew on line very
well.  He was a straight guy so, I hadn't told
him that I'm gay.  I was scared to lose him as a
friend so, I kept my mouth shut.  Now I want to
remind you, I am Honest but in this case, he did
not ask so, I did not tell.  No Harm Done!
After I had known this guy for a couple of
years, he decided to take a road trip to see his
girlfriend in another State.   His trip would take
him on a path right through the city where I
now live.  He told me about the length of his
trip, and wondered if it would be OK to visit me
for a couple of days on his journey.  I said that
was not a problem, and I was actually delighted
to meet an Internet friend "in person" for the
first time ever.
Jason arrived just as we had planned.  He drove
straight to my house with no troubles.  We had
already seen several pictures of each other, and
spent lots of time on the phone so, besides the
actual meeting in person, we really were not
such strangers if you think about it.


I knew several people from the same town
where Jason lived so, I had them on my ICQ list
with him.  One of the nights when we had been
out all day, I was lying down, and Jason was
telling some friends back home about the fun
we were having over here.  This is when the ball
began to roll on coming out.
One of my Gay ICQ friends messaged me.  He
had no idea that Jason was on my Computer
instead of me.  He sent me a message that was
not your average  "straight guy to straight guy"
type of message.  Jason became very curious
about the person who sent me that message,
and he checked the "info" on that person.
It just happened to be one of the most OUT
people I knew, and when Jason saw the info
saying:  "Brandon Loves Joey forever"  he was
even MORE Curious.  Now he started looking at
the info on several people from my list.
Soon he came and said to me:
"Ron, you have some gay people on your ICQ
list"   At that point, I was ready to die.
The first thing that came to my head was that I
knew they were gay, and just leave them alone
because they don't bother me.  I figured that
would be good enough to snuff out Jason's
curiosity.


Then I went outside to think alone.  I became
very worried because the next day, Jason was
going to be at my house all alone, and I knew
that he would find out more stuff for sure.
I envisioned him acting like me, and messaging
some of the other gay people.  If they thought
it was me, they might say ANYTHING.  I was in
a giant panic about all of this stuff.
I went to bed a couple of hours later.  I could
not sleep, and I was so nervous that my
stomach felt sick.  Finally I could not take it
anymore.  I went into the other room where
Jason was sleeping, and woke him up.  It was
about 2:00am by now.  Jason asked what I
wanted, and I just said in a firm voice:
"we've got to talk"
He followed me back into my room, and took a
seat.  I sat down in my rolling chair across from
him, then I scooted it closer to about 4 feet
away.  I struggled for a few minutes.  I just
could not say the words.   It was as though my
voice was locked.   After Jason said  "what Ron"
about 4 different times, I finally said:
"Jason, I am gay"  then I burst into tears.
Jason did not know what to do or say at that
point because I was crying.  After I regained
some of my composure, he told me that it was
OK.  Jason started giving me the speech about
everyone having a "purpose" here on Earth. We
sat in my room talking for a few minutes, then
it was time to get back in bed.  I asked him if it
was ok to give him a HUG, and he just reached
out his arms to me.  I grabbed him tightly and
nearly started to cry again.  I got back in my
bed before he left my room, and I asked him to
shut off my light.  After turning out the light,
he said:
"Ron, it's going to be OK"
I then said to him:
"I Love you Jason"  and he said:
"I won't take that the wrong way"   then I got
back out of bed to hug him again, and this time
I kissed his cheek, and said:
"don't take that the wrong way either"


I still wasn't able to sleep very well.  Even with
Jason accepting the gay deal, I still felt very
Nervous about it.

The next morning, I did not go to work.  I had
decided to stay home with him all day.
This was going to be his last day to visit, and
with all that had happened, I felt the need to
stay home.
Jason tried to convince me to tell my Mom, and
I just couldn't do it.  I could not face telling my
Mom that I am gay.


A couple of Months past after Jason had gone
home.  He and I were still friends just like
before so I came to the conclusion that he
really did not care whether I was gay or not.
I was having problems with my Head.  I get
Migraine headaches all the time, and he
convinced me that my headaches might be due
to the fact I am hiding this gay issue inside.
He was the only straight person that I had ever
told thus far so, he had a point.
He continued to try convincing me to come out
to my Mom, and finally I said OK, I will tell her.
After I made up my mind to tell Mom, I had
another obstacle to get by, and that was finding
a time when Mom was alone.  She had recently
gotten married again, and her new husband was
always near.  It seemed like there would never
come a time when he'd be gone from home.
Every time he went to buy groceries, or gas, or
anything, Mom was always going with him.
If she was home, he was too.
I had to balance myself out to be READY to talk
at the first possible moment.  I could not let a
time come with Mom being alone, and I
chickened out so, I programmed myself to be
ready at any moment.
Finally one Sunday morning, he took off to buy
something in town.  I told myself  "this is it"
and then headed downstairs to her room.
I told Mom to come sit at the table because we
needed to talk.  She came in and said:
"what's on your mind"
I got that same locked voice feeling as I did
with Jason but, I knew that my time alone was
short so I forced the words out.
"Mom, I am gay"
She sat there, and acted like it did not compute.
The look on her face was as though I had
spoken a foreign language, and she did not
know what I had said.
I had to ask her if she understood me, and she
told me YES, I did but that she did not believe
it.
Mom began trying to tell me that I am confused
because I've never dated anyone (girls) and
that if I had, then I wouldn't be thinking I am
gay.  After I told her several times that I KNOW
I am gay, she then started asking me questions
about whether I have ever been with a guy.
I told her that I had not done stuff with guys
before, and she followed that by saying:
"then how do you know you like them"
Those were very tough answers to give without
being dirty or nasty with my words.  I just had
to say:  "Mom, I just know OK"
The conversation ended because her husband
had just returned home.  She ended it by
saying:
"don't tell HIM about this"


In the next few weeks, we did not talk about
the gay subject much at all.  Mom still acted as
though I was mistaken BUT, she did seem to be
getting a grip on it because she made a few
cute remarks to me.  None of them were the
type to hurt, but without being prepared for
them, I felt awkward just the same.


Soon, I decided to tell one of my sisters.  I took
her up to my bedroom where we'd be alone.
This time it was much easier to say because the
pressure was not there. She cried a little bit but
basically did not get mad or anything.  She
seemed so at ease with it, that I decided to
show her a few cute guys.  Evidently she was
putting on a bit because she told my Mom that
she wasn't interested in seeing who I thought
was a cute guy. I was pissed because instead of
telling me, she went through my Mom.
My Mom then proceeded to tell me that she did
not want me to "flaunt" it around to everyone.
That was something I did not understand at all.
I was not flaunting anything, I was just coming
out to people.


I told several of my on line straight friends, and
none of them reacted in a bad way. They all
took the news very well.  Now later on, I did
notice how a few of them have "distanced"
themselves from me. They stopped talking as
much as before, and it got down to a point
where unless I actually talked to them first, I
never heard a word.  In some cases, I would
send them a message, and they would talk for a
few minutes, then all of a sudden, they had to
go. That never happened before I came out.


Now I am stuck.  There are Heaps of people that
I would like to tell, and because my Mom is so
worried about her husband finding out, I can't
say a word to anyone.  I don't understand why
it's so important to my Mom, that I keep my
secret.  I am the person who is gay, Not her!
What skin is it off her ass if I'm the gay person.
I could see  if she was keeping a secret that
was HER Problem but, it's MY Problem.


Anyhow, there you have my coming out story. I
am sorry about dragging it out so far but, I
wanted to give everyone a better idea of who I
am, and where I've been.



ALWAYS LOOKING FOR GOOD FRIENDS!    :o)
FEEL FREE TO E-MAIL ME.

 jaspers_run@hotmail.com       "Ron"