From: dona@akamail.com (Don Azars)
Subject: Special Friend
Date: Tue, 03 Nov 1998 22:27:20 GMT

To this day, I can remember him. Fred was the only friend I ever had in
school..you know what I mean a "real friend".
He didn't care that I was pretty boring...a poor swimmer, didn't know the
words to Motown tunes and an average student.
We were neighbors and just hit it off.
I had transferred into the school, ripped away from my junior year at another
high school. He had been "asked to leave" a private school and was suddenly
thrust among a huge populated school of strangers.
It was gym class when we met but that wasn't THE DAY I'm talking about.
I was running and jumping over a horse..the exercise kind and fell. Of course
all the other guys laughed..so did Fred.
But afterwards, in the embarassing locker room, it was Fred that came over and
apologized for laughing.
Actually I didn't know him at all. I had seen him but his was just another
face among the rest of the strangers.
"I"m glad you did it, because I would have done the same thing" he explained.
I took his hand and shook it.
There were no rugs, not woolen socks and we were both wearing only towels, but
I felt a shock as we touched.
"You live in the apartment buildings next to me" he stated the fact. I didn't
know how to respond.
"Like a bunch of ants" I finally did say something. He laughed and I did too.
He was there outside the school when I exited my last class. He wasn't
waiting, I don't think. But perhaps, I only noticed him because of our
conversation.
We walked home together everyday after that.
We took the bus in the mornings together too and found each other during lunch
periods. We snuck off the school grounds to go to McDonald's rather then eat
the crap the school served.
"What you doin?" his phone call confused me. Nobody had ever called me on a
weekend I realized.
We went to films, pickpocketed smokes and beer, goofed on passersby and then
things got serious.
Well, serious for me I mean. You see I was a wall flower. My folks weren't
much for socializing either and I was kept at home to dream, watch tv, do
homework and walk the damn dog.
But suddenly at the ripe old age of 16 I was going out on Fridays and weekends
with a friend. 
I was surprised my parents didn't object..though they kept close track of us.
Fred and I hiked in nearby DC seeing the monuments, Georgetown and other
sights on our own.
Going on school field trips was ok, but seeing those things with a friend
suddenly made it all interesting to me.
We rowed canoes on the canal and defied government warnings by taking our
canoe onto the Patomac (it was polluted at the time).
I learned so much from Fred about life, about me and about having fun.
We fooled around together too. No, not sexually, but wrestling that kind of
thing.
Then that day came. We had been swimming in the pool his parents installed.
And after averting my eyes when Fred came out of the shower and showering
myself, we were horsing around wearing only our towels.
We wrestled as we had always done....him pinning me, me pinning him. I was on
top of him, holding down his arms with my hands and his legs with mine.
He pushed back..but somehow I prevailed..which was unusal. Fred had stronger
arms then me.
He looked at me and laughed..and looked at my crotch.
My towel was hanging off me and my erection was in clear view.
"Looks like you have more on your mind then wrestling" he said..or something
like that.
I was embarassed, mortified and shocked. He pushed me off and I quickly put on
my shorts, pants and shirt and left.
"It's ok" I heard him say as I ran down the stairs. I avoided Fred after that.
You see I had jacked off many nights in my own bed thinking of him after we
had been out together. I had woken up in the middle of the night after
dreaming about being naked with him. I had jacked off after talking to him on
the phone or just thinking of him in the mornings.
He would call, but I would say I had homework to do, or my parents didn't want
me to go out so much.
He left me alone at school and that took the pressure off me.
The summer before my senior year came and my folks moved again. That didn't
make me any happier. Being a senior was special, even to a wallflower like me.
But I was forced to go to a new school, even larger then the one before and
try to make friends and survive.
I made a few friends...even had a girl I dated. She was fun, more like a
sister I never had.
I graduated, went into the military and moved to New England. Years passed and
I was "kind of dating" a girl there..although I knew that I was attracted to
men.
My jacking off thinking of various studs continued of course and once in
awhile Fred was part of those dreams.
I was moving to New York. And it was my last month in Boston when he called.
"Hey, I'm in town. Want to go to dinner with me and my girl?"
It turned out he had been coming to Boston for a coupel of years dating this
girl. We had a nice dinner, him and his girlfriend, me and the girl I had been
seeing.
He ended up crashing in my apartment and I drove back to DC with him. It was
all spontaneous...and although I'm not a spontaneous type of person, I went
with the flow, as they say.
Back at his house, we swam and played tennis. A friend of his came over and
the three of us got a bit drunk and talked about memories. His friend had lots
of stories about sex in the Boy Scouts.
I didn't know how to respond to the homosexual stories. Fred laughed upon
occasion. I dealt with it like it was just normal story telling.
The guy went home.
Fred and I stayed up and talked, smoked dope and just sat together.
And we went to bed.
"Sleep in my room" Fred said when I looked around wondering if I would crash
on the couch.
I was polite of course "Oh no, I dont' want to put you out" 
Fred laughed.
He had a big bed. We stripped to our underwear and got in it. Fred turned out
the lights.
"I've missed you over the years," he said. "Goodnight"
I couldn't sleep. Not because of the erection I had or that the man I had been
fantasizing about since I was 16 was in the bed next to me or because I could
feel his body heat and inhale the odor of his body...but because I didn't know
what to do.
"I think I"m gay" I said in a voice loud enough to be able to say I said
it..but hopefully not loud enough for him to hear it.
"I know" he said. He had heard it.
"That's why...." I whispered the beginning of an explanation.
"It's ok, I told you then it was ok" he said.
He had propped his head on his hand and was looking at me. There was enough
light from the star studded sky and the moon to illuminate him.
"Sorry" I said hoping it would encompass all I had done and all I had not done
over the years.
His hand rested on my bare chest and stroked what few hairs I had there.
"We're friends..." he said.
I wanted him to say something more. I wanted to grasp him in a passionate
night of sweaty love making.
I moved closer and he held me like a lover. But I knew we weren't.
And we slept.
-
It was years later I found him, thanks to the internet. He was married and had
two teenage sons. We talked about life, work and so on. I told him I was gay.
"OK" he said. 
We talk now and then..send email now and then. I dream about all the things
that never happened between us.
-
And I hope to find someone to live out those desires who will not only hold me
like Fred did that night, but be the friend he was to me long ago and the
lover that thus far, I haven't found.