Date: Sun, 02 Jan 2005 13:36:22 +0000
From: Jason Parker <archangelmatthew72@hotmail.com>
Subject: The Male Body

The Male Body

"... entirely devoted to the subject of 'The Male Body.'
Knowing how well you have written on this topic... this capacious
topic..."
--letter from the Crown Quarterly Review

	1.

I agree, it's a hot topic. But only one? Look around, there's a wide
range. Take my own, for instance.

	I get up in the morning. My topic feels like hell. I sprinkle
water, brush parts of it, rub it with towels, add lubricant. I dump in the
fuel and away goes my topic, my topical topic, my controversial topic, my
capacious topic, my bleary eyed topic, my topic with back problems, my badly
behaved topic, my vulgar topic, my outrageous topic, my young topic, my
topic that is out of the question and anyway still can't spell, in its
oversized coat and worn winter boots, scuttling along the sidewalk as if it
were flesh and blood, hunting for what's out there, an avocado, an alderman,
an adjective, hungry as ever.

	2.

The basic Male Body comes with some or all of the following accessories:
belt, underwear, vest, under-shirt, suspenders, virgin zone, shoes, nose
ring, hat, gloves, socks, scarf, weepers, chokers, barrettes, top hat,
bracelets, beads, glasses, feather boa, hot pants, basic black, Lycra
stretch one-piece, designer bathrobe, flannel sleeping boxers, teddy, bed,
head.

	3.

The Male Body is made of transparent plastic and lights up when you plug it
in. You press a button to illuminate the different systems. The Circulatory
System is red, for the heart and arteries, purple for the veins; the
Respiratory System is blue, the Lymphatic System is yellow, the Digestive
System is green, with liver and kidneys in aqua. The nerves are done in
orange and the brain is pink.  The Skeleton, as you might expect is white.
	The Reproductive System is optional, and can be removed. It comes
with or without a model spermota.  Parental judgment can thereby be
exercised. We do not wish to frighten or offend.

	4.

The Male Body has many uses. It's been used as a doorknocker, a
bottle-opener, as a clock with a ticking belly, as something to hold up
lampshades, as a nutcracker (just squeeze the brass legs together and out
comes your nut). It bears torches, lifts victorious wreaths, grows copper
wings and raises aloft a ring of neon stars; whole buildings rest on its
marble heads.
	It sells cars, beer, shaving lotion, cigarettes, hard liquor; it
sells diet plans and diamonds, and desire in tiny crystal bottles. Is this
the face that launched a thousand products? You bet it is, but don't get
any funny ideas, honey, that smile is a dime a dozen.
	It does not merely sell, it is sold. Money flows into this country
or that country, flies in, practically crawls in, suitful after suitful,
lured by those smooth, muscular, hairless legs. Listen, you want to reduce
the national debt, don't you? Aren't you patriotic? That's the
spirit. That's my boy.
	He's a natural resource, a renewable one luckily, because those
things wear out so quickly. They don't make 'em like they used to. Shoddy
goods.

	6.

One and one equals another one. Pleasure in the female is not a requirement
although it is favorable. Pair-bonding is stronger in geese.  We're not
talking about love, we're talking about biology. That's how we all got
here, kiddo, we need women to make more men.
	Snails do it differently.  They're hermaphrodites, and work in
threes.

	7.

Each male body contains a male brain. Handy. Makes things work. Stick pins
in it and you get amazing results. Old popular songs. Short circuits. Bad
dreams.
	Anyway: each of these brains has two halves. They're joined
together by a thick cord; neutral pathways flow from one to the other,
sparkles of electric information washing to and fro. Like light on
waves. Like a conversation.  How does a man know? He listens. He listens
in.
	The female brain, now, that's a different matter. Only a thin
connection. Space over here, time over there, music and arithmetic in their
own neat sealed compartments. The right brain doesn't know what the left
brain is doing. Good for aiming sharp comments and insults though, for
hitting the target when you pull the trigger. What's the target? More like
who's the target? Who cares? What matters is hitting it. That's the female
brain for you. Pointedly objective.
	This is why women are so sad, why they feel so cut off, why they
think of themselves as orphans cast adrift, footloose and stringless in the
deep void. What void? he says. What void are you talking about? The void of
the Universe, she says, and he says Oh and looks out the window and tries
to get a handle on it, but it's no use, there's too much going on, too many
rustling leaves, too many voices, too much to think about, so he says,
Would you like a cheese sandwich, a piece of cake, a cup of tea? And she
grinds her teeth because he doesn't understand, and wanders off, not just
alone but Alone, lost in the dark, lost in the skull, searching for the
other half, the twin who could complete her.
	Then it comes to her: she's lost the Male Body! Look, it shines in
the gloom, far ahead, a vision of wholeness, ripeness, like a giant
bannana, like an icicle , like a metaphor for penis in a bad sex novel; it
shines like a balloon, like a foggy noon, a watery moon, shimmering in its
egg of light.
	Catch it. Put it in a pumpkin, in a room, in a chamber, in a high
tower, in a house, in a compound,. Quick, stick a leash on it, a lock, a
chain, some pain, settle it down, so it can never get away from you again.