Date: Sun, 13 May 2012 13:27:52 -0700 (PDT)
From: Tyler Adams <tyleradamsbooks@yahoo.com>
Subject: Almost Straight ch 18

"What's up with you?" Shelly asked as I walked toward her on my way to
class Monday morning.

"What?" I asked, feeling my face warming a bit.

"Your hair? ...and that smile. I haven't seen you smiling like that since
Christmas break."

"You like it?" I asked raising my hand to touch my new doo. "Elijah showed
me how to do it this way."

"Well... It definitely looks good on you, but to be honest, I always liked
you looking like a fuzzy teddy bear."

"When have you ever seen a bright orange Teddy bear?"

"The first one was my freshman year. Cutest, cuddliest, teddy bear I've
ever seen too. I'm thinking I might try to cash in on the idea for my
senior marketing project next year," she said ruefully as she leaned in and
kissed me on the cheek.

"Shelly," a voice called from somewhere behind me. "I've been looking for
you."

I watched as Shelly turned away, smiling bashfully.

"Oh, hey," the guy said to me as I turned to see who it was. "You must be
Filipé," he said, as if we had already met. "I'm Alejandro Pe?a."

"The lacrosse player?" I asked, somewhat astonished.

"Yeah, Michelle told me you're the reason she messed up my lacrosse jersey
by having your name pressed on the back of it. Johnson, right?"

"Ah, yeah. So... like how do you know Shelly?"

"We're in a marketing class together. She says it might be fun to double
date with you and your boyfriend sometime, but I don't know, man..."

"You're dating Shelly?" I asked, even more surprised than before.

"Since two weeks ago. I had to practically beg to get her to go out with
me."

Glancing at Shelly, I could see she was really uncomfortable.

"I don't have any boyfriend," I spat at him while looking at Shelly. "And
just for the record, I'm not dating anyone at the moment," I growled as I
made my getaway.

The stark reality of what had just happened hit me like a slap in the face
when I got about fifty feet away from them. It was outright rage at having
someone I loved and respected spreading rumors about my supposed
sexuality. I enjoyed spending time with Elijah, but I still thought about
Michelle -- still hoped we would drift back together. That would sure make
my life a whole lot easier. Even though I thought I heard the Lord telling
me it was okay for me to like Elijah the way I did, I never really stopped
believing that what God wanted the most for me was to be straight.

By the time I reached the steps in front of the science building, I could
hardly see through my bleary eyes. Rather than climb them, I turned and
slumped onto the cold cement and bent forward to hide the tears.

I shouldn't have crashed so close to where I had met them, because it was
too easy for Shelly to find me. I looked up when someone sat beside
me. Shelly pulled me into warm embrace.

"You told him I was gay?"

"It wasn't like you think, Phillip. He saw me crying before class. He knew
we had been dating, and he thought that maybe you had done something to
hurt me. I think he would have beaten you up if you had," she
chuckled. "When I told him I was upset because we had broken things off, he
asked if it was because of `that tennis guy' he'd seen you hanging out
with."

"Oh god, Shelly ...Are we that obvious?"

"I meant to tell you about him, Carrots. I felt so guilty when he asked
me. I even thought about asking your permission before I said I'd go out
with him," she said, a hint of exasperation in her voice. "How messed, is
that? I mean you're not my dad." She pulled my face toward her so I was
looking into her eyes. "We tried, Phillip. God knows we both tried so hard
to make it work. Please try to understand. I need more than a best friend
to spend my life with. I need someone I'll have to beat off with a stick
once in a while," she said, giggling, trying to make it seem okay that she
had moved on. "I'll always love you like you were my brother, Phillip, but
please let go of me."

Her silence was painful for me to listen to.

"It's just so hard, Shelly," I said as my gaze drifted back to the
pavement. "I still love you. I think about you all the time. We could make
it work. I know God will make me feel like that toward you if you just give
us a little more time."

"Please don't make me feel guilty because I have feelings for someone who
watches me the way you watch Elijah. Please?" She lifted my chin. "Elijah
watches you like that too Phillip. You have to see it when you look at
him. He adores you. You're right for each other, Carrots. Don't break his
heart."

I didn't know what else to do, so I leaned toward Shelly, my lips parted,
prepared to show her passion like I never had. She began to lean forward
too, but then she suddenly looked flustered and ran away. Her slight
hesitation before she fled though, gave me an inkling of hope that maybe it
wasn't completely over between us.

I got up and headed for the men's room to wash the gel out of my hair. I
had to push the button on the sanitary hand dryer four times before my hair
was finally standing at teddy bear attention once more. I didn't care if
Elijah liked it gelled and spiked, Shelly liked it soft and fluffy, and it
was her attention I suddenly wanted more than anyone else's. I'll be her
irresistible teddy bear if that's what she wants. I'll watch for her
wherever I go. If she wants to have to beat someone off with a stick, then
it might just as well be me.





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Monday, January 25, 2009



Dear journal,



Thoughts about today: I'm going to win Shelly back. Seeing that lacrosse
player drooling over her made me mad. What's he got that I haven't got
besides a dimple in his cheek? I don't understand why God let this happen
to us in the first place, but I am not going down without a fight. I can't
believe I actually gave in and kissed Elijah. I should have known women
like men to be strong. I caved in and did it because I thought she'd see
that I'd do anything for her. What an idiot I was. I see now what her test
really was. If she thinks for a minute I'm just going to sit back and let
Mr. Ali-Bean-Pole take my place without a fight, she's got another thing
coming.



Honesty time: Mom was right about having close friends who aren't
Christian. Elijah's pulling me down just like she warned me.



What I learned: I can't believe I let him play with my hair again last
night -- only queers play with other guy's hair. I AM NOT QUEER!



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Lord, I only have one prayer tonight: please open Shelly's eyes so she can
see how much she needs me. Amen



I was miserable that night. I tried to concentrate on studying for an
upcoming test, but in my mind, I was formulating the rough outline of a
plan for winning Shelly back. I had a nagging feeling in my gut that God
wasn't the inspiration of it, but I pressed on anyway.

My roommate, Andrew brought a girl back to the room with him. When I looked
at him with a `man I am so not in the mood for this tonight' kind of stare,
he shrugged like he was a bit confused.

"Dude, you don't have leave. Maybe you can even learn something by watching
how it's supposed to be done." He turned and whispered something to his
catch of the day. It wasn't hard to figure out what he must have told her.

"Aren't you afraid of going to sleep while he's here?" she asked him as if
I wasn't even present.

"He's totally harmless. ...probably just watch reruns of Three's Company
while we're over here doing our thing."

"Eff you, asshole!" The words were out of my mouth before I had a chance to
think about whether or not I should say them. "I am not gay, have never
been gay, and never will be gay. ... and I'm not a fornicator either,
unlike some people I know."

"Whoa," was Andrew's response. "...religion with an edge. Dude, are you not
the one I heard telling someone on the phone last Saturday that you kissed
some guy and liked it?"

"I said it was real."

"...and your point is?"

"Look, my point is: it's none of your freakin' business, but if you must
know, I asked my girl-friend to marry me last Christmas Eve. She said
`yes,' but told me I had to take her up on a dare before she'd wear my
ring. That dare was that I kiss my tennis instructor on the lips. That's
what you overheard me talking about on the phone when I said it was real. I
never freaking would've done it if it wasn't for her making me. It was just
a dare, jerk."

I could have screamed when he casually asked, "So did she put the ring on
after you did it?" like he didn't believe a word I'd just said.

I turned quickly to hide my face from them, feeling hot tears suddenly
flooding my eyes. "Not yet," I mumbled.

"Let him alone, Andrew. Come on, maybe I can talk Sue into sleeping next
door. She owes me anyway."

"You don't freakin' need to leave," I yelled at them. "I'm out of here, but
you owe me for this, Andrew."

"Lord," I whispered under my breath, as I grabbed my hoodie, and slammed
the door closed behind me, "I can't take this anymore. Just keep me safe,
`cause I don't know what I'm going to do tonight."



Actually, I knew exactly what I was going to do. It was after eleven when I
made my way into the frigid night air, wearing just a pair of jeans and a
hoodie over top of my tee shirt. I quickly scanned the area for signs of a
party, and when I didn't see any, I found myself in the bookstore coffee
shop. The guys at the next table had a flask of something, so I held my
latte toward them and asked if they'd mind topping it off with whatever it
was they were drinking. It must have been something potent, because it
burned my throat as I swallowed.

Not feeling the effects of the alcohol yet, I held my half empty cup out
toward them again, and asked for more.

"Sorry, man, all out," he said as he upended the flat silver bottle above
my cup to show me it was dry. "We were just planning on goin' out to light
up. Want to join us?"

"All I got's this hoodie," I told him, tugging the front of the
sweatshirt. "It's freakin' cold out there."

"Zimmie," another guy asked. "You got that extra down parka with ya? ...the
one that rolls up into a little ball."

"Never leave home without it. Mommy says I might need it sometime," he said
rather sarcastically, as the table erupted into laughter.

"Carson," the guy with the bottle introduced himself, holding out his hand
toward me.

"Phil," I somberly replied.

"You look like shit, man. What happened? Some girl you were with tell you
she's late?"

"Worse"

"She said no?"

Raucous laughter again filled the room.

"Yeah," I answered without thinking what he was really asking.

"If you're that hard up, I can give you the phone number of a skank who's
always looking for some action."

"No-o-o," I whined. "She told me she wouldn't marry me."

"Why would you want to get married while you're still in college?"

The balled up down parka hit me in the gut like a football.

"Come on guys, let's go," the guy they called Zimmie said, standing to his
feet.

I was hardly through the door before a smoldering hand-rolled joint was
thrust at me.

"What are you going to do when someone you're with hands you a lit joint,
Phil?" The words of my step-father raced through my mind as I took a
pull. "Get stoned," I said out loud, as if everyone around me knew the
question I was answering.

"What are you mumbling about?" Carson asked.

"I was just telling my step-dad what I was going to do when someone hands
me a lighted jay: get stoned."

"Oh my God, I thought my mom was the only one in the world that
archaic. She actually thinks I spend all my time studying."

It had been almost five years since I had taken my last hit of anything,
and I had braced myself for the reaction my lungs were sure to have. They
screamed at me to exhale, my eyes watered as I fought it off. By the third
hit, everything began to calm down. Other than an occasional hiccup, I was
totally relaxed. I think the four of us were on our third or fourth joint
before a guy named Bill joined us and began sharing his quart bottle of
Absolute vodka. The only thing I remember after that is being helped into a
warm building. I must have passed out almost immediately, and had no idea
whose room I was in when I woke just before noon the next day.

Shame for what I had done to escape reality weighed heavily on my mind, but
my resolve to pursue Shelly was stronger than ever. I didn't even stay
around until someone else awoke so I could at least tell them
thanks. ...thanks for what? I wondered to myself.





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Tuesday, January 26, 2009



Dear journal,



Thoughts about today: I'm going to get Shelly to see that I'm not the pansy
she thinks I am. I do not look at Elijah the way she says I do. I think
she's just trying to justify her lust for her sports hero. And Elijah
doesn't look at me like she says he does either. He might be gay, but he
knows where I stand. He's starting to work on my nerves, too. He's the real
reason I got stoned last night.



Honesty time: This is becoming a freaking nightmare. I'm beginning to hate
school, altogether.



What I learned: Nothing! Freakin' nothing!



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Friday, January 29, 2009



Dear journal,



Thoughts about today: God, I feel like such a jerk. I thought that knowing
I was watching her all week would make her see how interested I am in us
getting back together. She just pretended I didn't even exist until I
cornered her this afternoon.



Honesty time: I shouldn't have trapped her like that and tried to kiss
her. I guess if I would have been her, I would have slapped me too. What
really hurt was when she accused me of stalking her.



What I learned: I don't think she actually would call security, but I got
her message loud and clear. "IT"S OVER!" God, the whole campus must have
heard her scream those words.

I can really see what mom told me about someone who's not a Christian,
dragging me down. It's all Elijah's fault that she did this to me to us. I
don't ever want to see his queer-ass face again.



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` ` `



I stuffed the pen into my journaling book and was closing the cover when my
phone rang.

"Elijah Cohen," read the display.

I pressed "Ignore" and waited for a voicemail. Even though I had sent a
text stating clearly that I didn't want to see him anymore, I suddenly
found that I wanted to hear a cheerful voice.

Instead of the chime letting me know I had a new message, he called again.

"I don't want to talk to you," I scolded, as I raised the phone to my ear
when he called for the third time.

"What," I dejectedly whined into the phone.

"I almost thought you lost your phone," his bright sunshiny voice spoke
into my ear. "I saw you at the bookstore Monday night. I was gonna come
over and join you guys, but...

"Oh, hey, Elijah," I interrupted, not wanting to get into what happened
after he saw me that night.

"I know you said you were busy this weekend, but I haven't seen you all
week. What's up with that? Anyway, I've got to let my uncle know if I I'm
coming down to the condo over spring break. Did you get a chance to think
about it?"

"I don't know," I answered weakly. "I don't think it'd be a good idea."

"If what would be a good idea? Getting away to the beach?"

"Not really that. I just don't know if after what happened in the car the
other night I want to risk getting myself in a situation I don't want to be
in. Look..." I hesitated, so unsure of what I really was thinking. "I'm
trying to get back together with Michelle, and since she thinks..." I got
up and look at Andrew's bed to make sure he wasn't lying there
listening. "She thinks I've got the hots for you, or something. I just
don't think I should be spending my time with you while she thinks that."

"Phillip, I... I don't know if I should be the one to tell you, but she's
been hanging around one of the guys from the lacrosse team. ...I mean like,
really hanging around him. I don't think..."

"I don't care what you think, I..." My voice caught before I could say what
I wanted to say. Truth is, I did care what Elijah thought. ...and I think
that was partly because I was also again beginning to fear that it really
was over between Shelly and me.

"It hurts so bad," I sobbed. "My whole life's a waste."

"What are you talking about?"

"I've tried so hard to do what God wants me to do. Now it's like everything
I've tried to do to be normal is totally wasted. Honestly, I don't even
want to think about what might happen if we went away together. It's me I
don't trust." I had an awful sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that
what mom had warned me about him dragging me into sin, was going to happen
if I went to Daytona Beach with him. My fall from God's grace would be
complete by the time I returned to school. I would, just like every other
closet case I knew or had heard about, be living a double life: upright
straight Christian man by day and flaming sinner by night.

"We'd have separate bedrooms if that's what you're worried about. And my
uncle's probably going to be there, so there's not much risk anything even
could happen. We would just be down there to party a little and catch some
rays."

My mind was swirling; one moment feeling like it would be a disaster
waiting to happen, and the next, reasoning that it wouldn't.

"We'd have separate rooms?" I asked, stalling for time.

"I wouldn't even ask you if we didn't," he answered without pausing to
think about it.

"No kissing?" I asked, suddenly making up my mind I should get away from
everything.

"If that's what you want." Again, his response was immediate and without
pause -- like he cared about me and my convictions.

"I... I guess so"

"Excellent! I found tickets from Mid-State to Daytona Beach on the Internet
for fifty-nine dollars one way. You want me to buy yours when I get mine so
we can sit together?"

"You're not planning on doing a lot of drinking, right?"

"I'm not into that, Phillip. Actually, I was hoping you wouldn't be
either. We could fly out Thursday the twelfth, and get back here in time
for classes the seventeenth."

"You want my credit card number?"

"Nah, I'll get them and you can buy food until we're even."

The phone went silent, me not knowing what to say.

"Phillip, I'm thinking about going over to the bookstore for a coffee. If
you've got a few minutes you could join me."

"I don't know," I answered him. "What time? ...just in case I can get away
for a few minutes."

"How `bout now?"

"Maybe"



When I arrived at the bookstore ten minutes later, Elijah was sitting at a
table watching the door. His instantaneous smile, and the excitement on his
face at seeing me, made me feel both happy and a bit uneasy. It wasn't that
I didn't want to see him or his radiant face; it's just that I didn't want
to see his face as being radiant. I didn't want to be drawn to him like a
moth to the flame. I still wanted it to be a girl that made me feel that
way.

"So," he said as I took a seat opposite him. "What's this big project?"

"The project?"

"Yeah, the one that's been keeping you tied up all week?"

I was suddenly tired of pretending.

"Trying to get my head screwed on straight," I answered, looking at the cup
of coffee my fidgeting hands were nervously rotating on the tabletop.

Elijah looked at me questioningly.

"Look," I began. "Ever since my first tennis lesson, I've been struggling
with you."

"Is it something I said?"

"No, it's just a personal problem."

"I'm a good listener if you want to spill."

"I don't know. Well... I guess it's how you make me feel."

"I'm too direct," he asserted. "My advisor told me I'm too competitive and
don't always let the person I'm instructing feel like they're accomplishing
enough. I promise to back it down a little, Phil. Sorry, man."

"Elijah, it's not that. It's you ...just you being you. For some reason
just being near you makes me... I don't know... I'm... I just think about
things I shouldn't think about when I'm with you. Look, maybe you're okay
with it, but I don't believe it's right for a person to be gay. ...it's
wrong in God's eyes."

"Are you sure?"

His piercing gaze made me realize that maybe he had grappled with the same
question and come up with a different answer than I had.

"Three years ago, when I felt the same way as you do, I met this guy in my
class at high school who showed me some teachings that refuted the way some
of those scriptures have traditionally been interpreted."

I looked at him, my mom's warning about having a non-Christian friend
pulling me in to sin pricking my conscience. "Even your bible says that God
created a woman to be with Adam."

"I don't deny that was his original plan, Phillip. All I'm telling you is
to do a little research. There're a lot of different perspectives on how
Adam and Eve's act of disobedience has affected mankind. Don't let one
singular viewpoint mold your entire belief system; I don't believe the
scriptures are as clear about the subject as I once did."

I shrugged my shoulders, and gave him a little grimace, but kept listening.

"Did you know that in the account of creation, when God looked over all the
animals he created, he said that none were found as a suitable companion
for Adam?"

"Yeah? Then he created Eve. ...a woman."

"Are you sure that's the entire truth?"

I looked across the table wondering where he was going with a story that
was so cut and dried in my mind.

"He created another human, Phillip. The literal translation is a man with a
womb -- a womb-man, so that the earth could be populated with more people."

"I don't get it. Eve was still a woman."

"God created a companion for Adam, Phillip, not just a sex partner. He
could have filled the earth with people the same way he did with all the
other animals and fish, but he didn't. He wanted the earth to be filled
with people that were born out of two people's love for each other. To do
that, he had to give Adam's partner a womb."

"A man with a womb," I repeated. ...a female"

"Right, but then man fell and God's whole plan for mankind went south. From
that time on, a lot of things in God's creation haven't gone the way they
would have if Adam and Eve had never eaten the fruit. Maybe you and me
being attracted to each other is how `the fall' has affected us
personally. I don't think that means we should never have a suitable
companion in this life, though. Maybe all it means for us is that our
companion won't have a womb."