Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 23:34:22 +0900
From: Andrej Koymasky <andrejkoymasky@geocities.com>
Subject: Dear Eugenio 13

----------------------------

DEAR EUGENIO
by Andrej Koymasky (C) 1999
written on April 30th 1991
translated by the author
English text kindly revised
by Paul

-----------------------------

USUAL DISCLAIMER

"DEAR EUGENIO" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes
of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and
so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this
story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you
think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.

-----------------------------

THIRTEEN

Some other good memories?

When you got your high school diploma; after arriving back home, do you
remember the gift that Giovanni and Teresa sent you? Oh, and the joy you
had reading the note accompanying it: "To our nephew Eugenio, with
affection. Congratulations!"

Then there was the time you met Giorgio at the piano school concert. You
introduced him to us at the end of that evening. We at once got a very
good impression of him and that night, Max and I asked ourselves if
something good was about to start. You know how parents are, they are
always thinking about "marrying" their children! But you later told us
that he was not gay, so we didn't think any more about the possibility
of a blossoming relationship, and considered him to just one of your
good friends. Do you remember when you told us that you wanted to invite
him to the castle for the summer vacation? We asked whether he would
have any problem about our relationship and that of Paolo with Giampi.
You explained that Giorgio already knew about our relationship and that
he was not offended at all.

At the castle, we heard you play the piano as a duo for the first time.
It was really beautiful and a really great way to spend our time
together and relax. But Max became aware from the very beginning that
you were feeling something special towards Giorgio. When he told me, I
watched you both very closely and it was not long before it became
evident to me, too.

The way you looked and smiled at him, and your constant need to be near
him. At least for us, your signals were very clear! But as always, we
decided not to broach the subject until you to raised it with us. We
also worried a little, knowing how difficult it would be to fall in love
with someone whom you cannot share your feelings and that could never
return them as one would desire.

Another thing we noticed was the influence that Giorgio had on you. He
has always been a really refined and elegant boy, while you never really
had a flair for fashion but a rather saucy look. Little by little, not
only did you become more refined in your way of dressing, but also in
your behaviour, and even in the care of your body. Your way of speaking
- at times you used quite gaudy swearwords in your language, especially
when you were angry. With us you naturally learned to control your
words, but with Giorgio you stopped completely!

Summer ended and the only thing evident to us was that Giorgio really
enjoyed being with you, but as a very close friend, when on the contrary
you were in love with him.

Back to town. Giorgio started to come around more often, both to play
the piano and simply hang out with you. On the one hand we liked Giorgio
more and more as a person, but on the other we became increasingly
worried for your being in love with him, because your love was
increasing, not diminishing. When you told us of your feelings shortly
before Christmas, we told you that, in our opinion, you had to tell him
clearly. If he really was your friend, even if very likely he would
refuse your love, at least on a physical level, he would remain your
friend. But you were so scared to lose him that you decided not to
approach the matter, and not to show it as much as it could cost you
dearly.

We really didn't know what to do to help. The only thing we could do was
be close at hand to offer our love and support.

1989: You continued to see each other rather often, we liked Giorgio
more and more, but at the same time nothing was changing between you
two, for better or worse. We were more and more worried, as we could see
you were suffering. I thought about talking with Giorgio, but Max
dissuaded me.

"Our son is big enough to manage his problems in his own way - don't
behave like a meddling parent, even if you are trying to do good. This
experience, whichever way it ends, will mature him. And if it knocks him
down, all we can do is be ready to help him up again. Remember, how many
years did you have to wait to see in my eyes an answer to your love?"

"But at least I got an answer... I was incredibly lucky..."

"Let's wish that Eugenio has the same luck. Even if it turns out that he
has to accept the unavoidable."

During Easter, the three of us went to Turkey. That short period of
separation from Giorgio, we hoped, would help you to see the situation
more clearly. But evidently, even if during those days you seemed more
carefree and relaxed, it didn't last long. When we returned, everything
continued exactly as before, both in your behaviour and in that of
Giorgio.

I remember that Max one day told me: "How is possible that Giorgio is
not at all aware of Eugenio's burning love for him?"

"Max... Max! And you, how long did it take you recognise me?"

"But we were not so close... I didn't care for you, you know that. On
the contrary, they are such close friends... Or Giorgio is completely
naive, or he is aware, but hides it to discourage Eugenio some way..."

For the summer, you again invited Giorgio to the castle. We passed the
first month like always. Everything was the same between you. Then we
noticed that Giorgio was changing, both in his relationship with you and
his attitude towards us. He started to behave more formally, became more
detached - colder in a way, even though the change was small, and he was
still friendly towards you. Max asked me if I had noticed this change
and we wondered what the reason could be. Not so evident but
perceptible. We thought that perhaps you had made up your mind and told
him, but we were wrong.

That afternoon you popped in to the city to buy some scores and Giorgio
decided not to come with you on the pretext that he had a bad headache.
As soon as you left in the car, Giorgio asked to talk with us.

"I lied to Eugenio, I don't have a headache. I needed the opportunity to
be alone with you to talk. What I want to tell you is not easy, but if I
don't talk with you, I really don't know who else to ask for advice..."

"OK. Try us..." Max told him. I noticed Max was tense and worried.

"I... I have the impression that Eugenio... is feeling something for
me."

"Yes, that is so."

"I... I have first to explain something. You see, even if I am now
twenty-years old, I don't have much experience in these matters. That
is, I mean... it is not that I really know nothing. But I'm not able to
really understand the significance of this matter. I mean... I'm not
really able to express myself..."

"Don't you think it would be simpler to say it clearly? You are talking
about homosexuality, aren't you?"

"Yes and no... I am talking about sexuality in general, but also about
falling in love and... Yes, it would be better if I try to speak
clearly, even if I am not used and it will not be so easy. I... well, I
have never had occasion to talk about sex and love clearly and seriously
with anyone, until now. But I think that... that it would be better to
start to do it, if I want to reach some conclusion. I, do you see, up to
now I had little experiences... if I can call them experiences. When I
was a child, at the middle school, some play with my school mates..."

"You mean mutual masturbation?" I asked him.

"Yes, but, like competitions to find out who could sprout the farthest,
or who came first, or... or similar things... games. Then, when I was
fourteen, I had my first girlfriend. We touched each other a
lot...aroused each other... she made me cum with her hand...pleasurable,
but nothing more. A little better than doing it alone! At sixteen a
cousin two years older than me, persuaded me to try it with him. I
accepted, possibly more out of curiosity than anything else. Again, it
was pleasurable, but nothing more. Well, a little more than with that
girl, because that time my cousin made me... cum... in another way... I
mean, not with his hand, but... in another way..."

"Giorgio, you have no need to be ashamed or shy with us! Sex is a very
natural thing and anything you tell us, we really think we can
understand it."

"And we have done it, too." I added with a smile.

"He made me cum with his mouth." Giorgio blurted out, blushing. He went
silent for a while, probably to place his thoughts in order, then
continued where he left off.

"At seventeen I had my second experience with a girl. She was very...
hot, she wanted to make love as soon as we were alone. She too was two
years older than me and more experienced. She persuaded me to... and
I... I penetrated her. It was a weird experience, pleasurable and not
pleasurable at the same time you understand. We did it several times but
each was the same - pleasurable and disagreeable at once. Anyway, it
lasted for eight or nine months until she found another boy, possibly
more enthusiastic, and at least she left me in peace."

"Sorry, Giorgio, what do you mean saying it was at once pleasurable and
disagreeable?" Max asked him. He could understand better than I as he
had had experiences with girls.

"Well, pleasurable because an orgasm is anyway pleasurable. But
disagreeable, as all the time I felt like a spring loaded toy, that goes
up and down until the battery runs out... as if it was a mechanical, an
automatic thing that one does, that you... have to do perhaps. She
loaded my spring by getting me aroused, then encouraged me to enter her,
I went up and down, I released...and it was over...My battery ran out!"

"Yes, I understand. Continue, please..." Max said with a smile.

"Nothing more. Nothing serious, as I often had long periods when... I
managed it by myself. Then I met Eugenio. From the first moment I felt
attracted to him, or rather fascinated. It was my first time. And when
he offered me his friendship I was so excited about becoming his friend,
being able to be near him... I'm not really able to express myself - to
me it was a physical fact, even if not explicitly sexual. Besides,
liking him very much for his personality, I like looking at him, being
near him, enjoying his smile, his glances, his voice... I was not
sexually aroused at the beginning, but anyway it is also a physical
attraction. Yes, I wanted to be his friend, with all myself... But when
he told me he is gay, I was scared for what I was feeling towards him so
I told him that I dig just girls...

"... Everything seemed to go well. Eugenio never made me feel ill at
ease, he never tried anything, never looked for physical contact with
me. For that I'm grateful and admire him... because... if he tried it
with me, very likely I would have accepted. Yes, it is really possible.
But what scares me, is how I would react afterwards. Would I have felt
the same sensation of pleasure and annoyance as in my previous
experiences? Therefore, our friendship would have suffered for that? But
he didn't try it with me, so I felt more and more free to deepen our
friendship."

"Also music, in some ways brought you... closer, also spiritually, I
think..." Max said.

"Yes, certainly. Especially when we play together, it is like... a
melting, really beautiful, and I wouldn't like to lose that... But the
problem has become serious for me in these last few days. I have started
to realize that Eugenio is not only attracted to me, I mean physically,
but is in love with me. Because a person in love is so... vulnerable! I
mean, for me, on a physical level, if it was just like with my cousin
who wanted just amuse himself... I could even easily say him yes, let's
try it. Even if I prefer that he didn't ask me...that is... if I knew,
if I understood that Eugenio wants just amuse himself with me, try it
with me... I will try and then, if it doesn't work, friends like
before..."

"But he is in love with you..." I said.

"Yes, and this is the problem. To him, it's different, because he is in
love with me. And thinking about it now, I was blind not to have seen it
before. He has been for a long while, and possibly since the first days
we met. To me Eugenio is much too important, I cannot risk losing or
hurting him. So, I've made him feel bad all the same. I cannot continue
in this way. I really don't know what to do..."

Max and I listened to him carefully, and possibly we listened more to
his eyes, to the tone of his voice, at the unconscious movements of his
body than to his words. We looked at each other, then Max asked him: "If
you were in love with Eugenio... do you think you would still have all
these problems?"

"I don't know... possibly yes... I don't think so."

"But do you desire him physically? Are you attracted to him?"

"Yes... more and more. Nowadays, I do but think of him... how it would
be if... to go in bed with him... touching him... kissing him..."

"And you say that to you Eugenio is important, and that you don't like
to disappoint him."

"Certainly, I would never forgive myself if I hurt him."

"Giorgio, please, explain something - what does it mean for you to be in
love with somebody?" I asked.

"To love? I don't really know but... you two, it's evident that you love
each other."

"Yes, that's true. But what does it mean to you, to love?"

"To decide to live together, forever possibly? To be always happy to be
with each other..." he said.

"No. If it was so... Edoardo and I are not in love."

Giorgio looked at us amazed, without understanding. So I tried to
explain better what Max was trying to say.

"What he meant is this - 'forever' is an absurd word. Suggested by the
first falling in love, which is by the first, short, wonderful step of
real love. How can one honestly be sure of being forever near the other?
To live forever together? I could die in three minutes or Max in five.
One of us could fall in love with another and leave. One of us could
became crazy and make life impossible for the other, so a parting could
result... the wisest thing to do, the most reasonable. To be always
happy being together? At times Max and I ask ourselves why we decided to
live together. Not at first of course, but when the novelty of sharing
your life fades away. The small crisis that have happened, have always
been very short between Max and me, that's true, they happen very seldom
and we get over them, but they have happened and can for sure happen
again."

"But then I don't understand..." Giorgio said, in confusion.

"What makes the love that unites Max and me is the fact that this
morning, the ninth of August 1989, when we woke up, we again decided
that we wanted to live together. And that today we are happy to be
together, and that of these 'todays' we have piled up thousands and
thousands. And that the balance of our lives, even if it is not
positively one hundred per cent, we decided, remarkably, abundantly
positive. But we don't know what will happen tomorrow."

"But... if tomorrow you parted? Would not that be... a tragedy?"

"It would be a terrible pain, at least for one of us... probably both...
But all the 'yeses' we have pronounced in these last eighteen years of
our lives, and all the happiness that these 'yeses' have given us, will
remain. Nobody can ever take that away from us."

Max added; "But what allowed us to say our first 'yes' and thereafter
all the others, was the fact that we really love each other and that we
desire each other. Loving another means to be ready to do all that is in
your power to help the other to build his own life. Edoardo knows that
my life consists of having him, and so his life has been a continuous
gift of himself to me."

"And all the same, Maxs' life has been a gift of himself to me, to make
me happy, because my happiness is his happiness. And if Max is happy, so
am I."

"And if Edoardo is happy, I too am happy."

"Like the links on a chain... it is beautiful." Giorgio said, starting
to understand.

"Therefore, the problem is - you, Giorgio. Do you feel like living to
make Eugenio happy? To do for him, or with him, everything that could
make him happy? And also making love?"

"Today? Certainly yes, I would be glad to make him happy. But until
when? And tomorrow?" Giorgio asked us with big, ingenuous eyes.

"Well, tomorrow you will have to ask yourself the same question and the
day after, and so on. What you have to ask yourself today is - do I
really want to ask myself this question each and every day? Also when
will you feel the heaviness to be near him? Even when routine enters in
your lives? Day after day and never taking anything for granted?" Max
asked.

But I had another thought: "Possibly, the doubt that Giorgio has is also
another. Is it more right with a woman than with a man? In other words -
Eugenio is gay, but am I?"

Giorgio looked at me and shook his head: "No, I have never asked myself
if I am gay or not. But then, I do feel attracted to Eugenio."

"Attracted... how?" Max asked.

Giorgio, lightly blushing, answered: "I would like to see him naked...
to touch him and have him touch me... to make love with him, in short. I
desire to put my hands, my lips on his body, everywhere... really
everywhere, and feel his lips on me... And then, I know that when two
men make love, one of the ways is... is also... the penetration. And I
want to try that with him. Even if I have never tried it before... to be
penetrated, I mean... but I would be ready with him... if he wanted."

"Do you really want to see him happy, and know that you are the reason
of his happiness?"

"Yes, oh yes! That would be wonderful."

"Then, my boy, you ARE in love with him!"

"I... do you really think so?"

"Yes, I believe it." Max said.

"I too am convinced." I added, "But I feel that Giorgio could still have
a problem. What if, with Eugenio like with his last girlfriend, he is
pleased and annoyed at the same time?"

"Oh, yes, this really scares me. Because it was such a mechanical thing
and it tired me psychologically. I really wanted to run away from
her..."

"But you were not in love with that girl, and neither was she with you,
evidently. With her it was just sex and clearly that was not enough for
you. As you rightly said, it was just a mechanical thing. But when you
are in love, all you are doing is not for yourself, but to see the other
happy, and in that there is nothing mechanical. Believe me. It is just
like when you play the piano together, you think only, or rather you
feel the need, to melt the harmony you are creating with his own, isn't
it? It is not at all mechanical, right? I think it is difficult, after
what we told each other, that it doesn't work, between you and Eugenio,
right the physical aspect. Also making love is, could be... making music
together."

"So then... do you think I can try to love Eugenio? To accept his love?"

"I really think it would be better, right Max?"

"Yes. Listen, Giorgio, I have an idea. In a while Eugenio will be back.
Go to the tower, on the terrace by the battlements and wait for him. We
will send him up there. Talk, tell him all you feel. Tell him of your
hopes and your fears. If all goes well, make love up there, it is a
magic place, a wonderful place..."

Giorgio deliciously blushed at these last words, but nodded in assent
and his eyes shone. We took him there and showed him where to find the
airbed we normally used.

"When... when you will tell him to come here... don't tell him I am
here, please? Don't tell him about our conversation, I beg you..."

"Certainly not, all right. Good luck, Giorgio..." Max said and he went
downstairs.

I embraced Giorgio, kissed him on his cheek and said: "Don't worry too
much. Anyhow it goes, what you are doing, what you want to do, is
wonderful."

We waited for almost an hour, and were afraid that Giorgio would get
tired and come downstairs. We were on the tenterhooks, but at last you
came back. Do you still remember the pretext with which we sent you up
the tower? You asked where Giorgio was, eager to see him again, and we
said that it was about an hour since we had seen him and we didn't know
where he was - possibly he went for a walk somewhere... Then we asked
you to go to the tower and check that we hadn't left the airbed
outside... You went upstairs.

We waited with our hearts literally in our mouths, crossing our fingers.
We were as nervous as any father waiting in the waiting room of the
maternity ward for his first child. The more time passed, the more we
felt assured.

When, at supper time, the bell was rung, we hoped you would not yet come
down... Paolo and Giampi came and asked where you were. We said nothing,
just that we would start eating without you. You didn't come. After
supper we watched the sky darkening, still waiting for you, but now we
know that... everything went according to plan.

The last rays of light had just vanished and the sky was already studded
with stars when you appeared. It was enough to look at your eyes - they
were shining just like the star-studded sky we had been observing. And
you were tenderly holding each others hands.

And you said, bursting with joy: "Giorgio and I... we would like to try
to... imitate you. Do you think we will be able to build something
wonderful as you two have done?"

"We are sure, and you will do even something better than us, dear boys!"

Giorgio was radiant and that allowed us to understand that even the
problem he feared, didn't exist.

Well.

After that day one year has elapsed, and you are always wonderful. It is
a joy looking at you two, having you two at home with us. The blooming
of your relationship has also replenished our relationship, and also for
that we are grateful.

Honestly, I feared you wanted to find an apartment for you two alone, as
soon as Giorgio would have been able to part from his family. Of course
I would have understood and accepted it, as much as it would pain me
(all the same, the parents, right?).

When you both asked if you could simply change the single bed with a
double one in your room (but you said 'in our room') I was really,
really happy. Max too, of course, even if before he told me that should
you decide to live alone, we would not stand in your way, because it is
just natural that a couple wants their privacy.

Anyway, just last night, Max and I decided that we have all four to look
for a bigger apartment, as our family has grown bigger, and as, thanks
to your love, we now have two son instead of just one...

-------------------------

Max and I wrote these pages filled with memories and this is our present
to you for the first anniversary of your union, with a thousand wishes
for a long and happy life together

Massimiliano and Edoardo

San Salva Castle the 9th of August 1990

-----------------------------

THE END

-----------------------------

In my home page I've put some of my stories. If someone wants to read
them, the URL is

http://www.geocities.com/~andrejkoymasky/

If you want to send me feed-back, please e-mail at

andrejkoymasky@geocities.com

---------------------------