Date: Sun, 11 May 2003 16:45:02 EDT
From: Writersrealmmm@aol.com
Subject: Discovering Gregory Chapter 53

Discovering Gregory
Chapter 53
A Leg Up

It's the people who are different, unique, and passionate who create a more
interesting world. You can never follow your heart if you're following the
asshole in front of you.  He's blocking your vision, my friend. Be an
original and the world will find its way to you.

I hear from the radical right(RR) that our lifestyle is dangerous. These
folks say, thousands of gay men have died of AIDS. The height of hypocrisy
is when a disease is killing gay men and these types are in power and do
nothing to stop it. Then they cite the deaths they orchestrated and judge
us on them. How christian. How they do hate us. We remember and wouldn't
Jesus be proud?

"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."

AIDS is a disease that can be prevented by using your head, the big one. In
spite of the R/R's misinformation campaign, condoms do prevent disease. Add
them to your grocery list and when you get to the checkout, ask the cashier
if they don't have them in fuchsia or perhaps in the freedom rainbow
colors.

Only fools dance with death.

FYI:

My audience can't be measured because it is invisible, living in America
and around the world.  Many of my readers are 40-60 and up, married with
families, in relationships with other men, students, teachers, pilots,
weather persons, etc. I'd like to hear from you. Are you a professional?
Blue Collar? Do you live in a city or out there?

We can't be counted and statistics you read about us are therefore
false. Gay men have always been invisible and will be as long as the RR
makes it dangers for us to exist. Of course they claimed to love Thomas
McLauglin while they were trying to destroy his very essence.

I got a very nice letter from a teacher out there. He wrote about his
school writing letters of support to Thomas McLauglin. Isn't that
incredible? Thank you, Sir.  You made my week.

"...And a child shall lead them."

Thomas McLauglin, 14, is a true hero for standing up to the R/R in
Arkansas.

quillswritersrealm@yahoo.com

Chapter 53
A Leg Up

Greg stayed close all night. While once this would have comforted me, it
didn't. I wanted to take away his pain and the fear. His anger was
understandable. He'd already climbed a mountain and he never let it best
him for long, but now he had been kicked back to the bottom after
struggling for most of a year to come out on top. I understood how
difficult it was for him to accept that it was all for nothing. They could
have taken the leg in the beginning and the rehab and training would have
taken far less of his life from him. Now he was taking a mental beating and
his will to fight had been seriously altered.

I wanted to stay close to him but I couldn't. I hadn't slept at all and now
I was restless and I got up rather than risk waking him up. The sun had
barely raised above the horizon I couldn't see, and the light was dim at
best. As I stood in the hallway between the bedrooms and living room, I
watched billowing smoke rise up past the huge window.

I could picture the Colonel at the stove outside, doing his thing. When did
the guy sleep? I could still hear Ike barking late into the night.

I suddenly could taste hot black coffee in my mouth and as a chill ran
through me, I passed Greg's mom, sleeping in the chair where I had left
her, a ugly green ball of yawn had rolled off her lap and half way across
the floor. Whatever she was knitting looked quite lovely, but the yarn on
its own couldn't claim any credit.

I eased myself around the side of the house and I could see the colonel in
his shorts and white T-shirt, turning rabbit and whatever else he had taken
in the night. Ike lay two feet from the big rusty red stove. Augie sat on a
pile of cinderblocks, steam rising up from a cup he held in both of his
hands for the warmth it provided. He didn't have a shirt on and I shivered
and he looked as though he hadn't slept at all, but when I peed a few hours
earlier, him and Doug were still wrestling with the night and Cheryl's
sleeping bag no doubt.

It amazed me when the colonel reached for a cup and turned the big blue
coffee pot up to fill it almost to the top. He sat it at the side of the
stove and went back to tending his fire.

"Not use to so many early risers. My sons burn the midnight oil and then
can't get up. They take after their mother."

I knew he was talking to me but for the life of me I never knew how he
always knew when someone approached and not only that he usually knew who
it was. He still hadn't looked at me and I could see no mirrors or gadgets
that he could look into to see my reflection. I thought about it but never
did come up with any explanation for the colonel's talents. I suppose there
were things I not only didn't know but couldn't even imagine.

"How is he?"  He asked, as Augie nodded, held the cup to his naked strong
chest, and then sipped from the metal cup before putting back against his
skin.

"I don't know. Depressed."

"We make better the things we can, accept the things we can't, and are
there so he knows he's not alone. It's not for us to take his journey for
him. It's not for us to understand the why. What is is and that can't be
altered."

"I think he feels like he's had enough," I said.

"Yes, that's the first reaction. He'll accept it. Greg is strong. He has a
warriors heart. Don't worry. It won't let him down now."

It was hard for me to see the colonel as an Indian. It was written all over
him. His face was ten shades darker than my own but I never noticed it or
the strong features that were chiseled into his face. He was big and strong
and gentle and wise. That's all I saw when I looked at him and listened to
his words. I never noticed how dark he was or how light his sons were in
comparison. It just never came up then. I was somehow comforted by his
words when nothing had comforted me since Greg told me.

We drank coffee and I ate three pieces of rabbit as soon as the colonel
took them off the fire. It didn't taste like chicken and it was the most
incredible flavor you can imagine. Of course I was always starving up in
the mountains. Almost every time I went there, and I went there plenty, I
ate like a pig and was always ready for more.

The colonel did eggs, bacon, and fried potatoes with onions and peppers.  I
ate a plate and Augie did likewise but no one had a lot to say.  It was
still a bit cold for my taste but that food sure warmed me up. I was
surprised when Doug showed up, half asleep with his eyes half closed. He
sat on the same pile of cinderblocks as Augie and they kept looking at each
other and laughing.

Doug drank coffee but refused the offer of food. He had on a jacket that
made me jealous until the sun came up over the tops of the trees, and then
it warmed up immediately with that stove only five feet away.

The colonel sent Augie and Doug into the basement to bring out the
"contraption."  The colonel had made it at work and it was a platform on
four bicycle wheels that could be hooked to the front of another bicycle,
which would then propel it nicely.  With the cushions and the location of
the padding it was obviously a conveyance built with Greg in mind.  I was
curious about it when the colonel explained.

"You can take him down to the river later. No way to get him down to the
river here. He likes the water. It will do him some good, even if he
doesn't agree."

"How do you drive it?" I asked, seeing the size of the thing and I wasn't
sure I could manage it.

"You do is all. You ride the bike. The rest is up to the cart. Just take
your time until you get use to it. He'll want you to go faster than you are
willing to go, but don't. It'll give him something else to be mad at for a
while.  He probably won't want to go but we won't give him an option once
we load him up. He needs to occupy himself with something besides worry."

"Yeah, I can do that. What do you think they're going to do?"

"What they must."

"They aren't sure? They haven't told you?"

"Greg knows everything I know. It's not up to us. They really need to take
a look see before the decision is made."

"He said he doesn't want me to come to the hospital Monday."

"Yeah, he is afraid."

"I can't not be there."

"School?"

"I don't care about school. I couldn't do anything at school. I'd be a
basket case. I'm not going back until I know about the leg."

"Yes, well, you do what your heart tells you. We'll be there. You can sit
with us and we'll hope for the best."

"His mom doesn't know?"

"No, I'll talk to her once we're home tonight. Just no point in giving her
too much time to think about it. She's rather attached to her sons and the
word cancer scares all of us too much for our own good. She'll sit up all
night worrying. I think she already knows."

"Do all you guys read minds?" I foolishly asked.

"Life is not so much a mystery if you read the signs Martin. The things you
can do nothing about you don't do anything about them. It doesn't mean you
don't know these things exist. We wouldn't choose certain things for our
sons because they cause them pain and create hardship. When they exist you
can't make them go away by fighting about it. You accept it and hope that
in time it will all work itself out. It usually does and for the best. This
seems monumental, when you look straight at it, as we are all looking at it
now, but later next week, when we can see beyond the words and the
obsticle, there will be clear vision and that will lead to better times for
all of us, especially for Greg. You can't struggle with life so much as you
go along with it."

"Yeah, I wish," I said, wishing I could understand so that the pain in my
chest would subside soon.

I hid the tears just behind my eyes but I don't think I was fooling
anyone. I hadn't had a pain like this since early on when Greg would kick
me out of his life as a matter of routine.  Although this pain wasn't as
sharp it ran far deeper and did something to me that even Greg's rejects
had never been able to do.

I'd never known what love was before I met him and so I had no way of
knowing what it was like to lose love.  I thought that there was most
definitely a chance that I could lose him and his love, and in spite of not
being able to do a thing about it, I was scared in way that nothing had
ever scared me before, maybe because there was nothing I could do.

I took a plate of rabbit, potatoes, and bacon up to Greg once the sun was
high in the sky.  I found him staring at the ceiling and unmoved by my
entrance.

"I brought you rabbit."

"I'm thirsty," he said.

"I brung you coffee just in case."

"Just water for now.  Where you been?"

"Watching your father cook."

"We didn't get to sleep until really late," he reminded me.

"We didn't get to sleep at all.  Me anyway.  I was tossing and turning and
didn't want to wake you up."

"You know I'm lonely when you aren't there."

"How about orange juice," I suggested, not wanting to cry.

"Yeah, orange juice.  Hold the water. How about a piece of that rabbit?  No
sense in wasting it since you went through all the trouble of lugging it up
here. The old man is an artist when it comes to wild game."

I sat the plate on the television tray beside the bed and brought him back
orange juice.  He ate most of a piece of rabbit and drank some coffee and
the juice. He wanted to lay back down once he'd accomplished this.

"I want my coat.  It's cold in here."

"Suns up.  Why don't we take you outside.  Augie's here."

"You told me that last night.  He with Doug?"

"Yeah, Doug's in heaven, I think."

"Augie's a stud.  My brother's an idiot."

"He is not, Greg."

"Well, he's been backing up to Herbie just about forever, I don't know,
since he was ten maybe.  Now he's with Cheryl, and she's a lot woman for
even a man like me, but for squirt, give me a break.  He'll never handle
her and then there's that little quirk in his personality.  He likes taking
it up the ass.  I don't think that's something a girl like Cheryl will ever
be able to do for him, no matter how hard she tries."

"Greg, Doug wants a family and kids.  Why not give him a break."

"You tell me he's making moves on you, and you tell me he's been with
Augie.  He should give himself a break and admit he'll never give that up
until he's too old to attract someone to fuck him.  Then he might give it
up by default."

"I think he can do what he sets his mind to do," I said.  "Why not let Doug
deal with it his own way."

"You make a hell of fag.  I thought the object was to turn everyone gay?"

"You can't turn anyone into anything.  If you can't get it up it's no good,
Greg.  What's the point in wanting to be with a guy that isn't turned on by
it."

"Well, I do fine," he said, insisting we go there.

"You're hard all the time.  It doesn't require any thought for you.  If a
guy isn't interested he can't get it up and so that means he can't be
turned into a fag.  It's basic biology Greg.  The anatomy doesn't lie."

"So I'm a fag because I get it up when you touch me, that what you're
saying?"

"No, that's not what I said."

"It is too.  If I can get it up then I'm just like you," he argued.

"Greg, you're just like nobody.  You don't care as long as it gets up for
someone or something.  You are what you say you are.  Being gay isn't about
turning anyone into anything.  That's a myth spread by the idiots who
delight on spreading queer fear.  Guys don't get hard if they aren't turned
on."

"So I'm a fag?"

"You're just hard headed is what you are and you never listen."

"Well, you got the hard part right.  So if I'm not a fag what am I doing
with you?"

"Like I said, you've got to decide what you are.  Having the ability to do
something doesn't make you that which you do.  Plenty of guys can swing
both ways and do.  Some guys can and don't, mostly because of fear, but
just knowing they can upsets them so much that they don't have to do
anything to be pissed off about it."

"That doesn't make any sense.  I'm pissed off and I could care less."

"Yeah but you aren't pissed off about what gets your dick hard."

"No, I guess not.  Thanks," he said, just throwing it in.

"For what?"  I asked.

"Just leave shit alone sometimes, Martin, okay.  Because you're here,
because you're you, because you didn't leave me alone.  I don't know if I
can take any more.  I don't know if I want to.  I'm so tired.  Just when
you think you've made it, and you find out you haven't even started the
really big fight.  I don't have anything left, Martin.  I keep looking for
a way to face up to it, but I can't face that.  I thought I'd be whole
again one day.  If I kept fighting long enough I'd get it all back.  Now, I
don't know.  I don't even care."

"Well I do.  It's going to be fine.  I know it's going to be fine."

He looked at me with such a look in is eyes.  I could see the doubt and the
hope and the alarm at my just saying the words.  You couldn't say that when
you faced what he faced.  Too much could go wrong and saying that just made
you responsible for the outcome.  He ate a little more and drank more
coffee but the conversation stopped.

Augie and Doug showed up in the doorway after a while.  They didn't listen
to Greg's objections and lifted him out of the bed and carried him outside
to where the bike and carrier waited.  We went past the colonel and his
mother as they watched the operation, supervising as the objecting Greg was
placed down in the spot carefully prepared for him.

"I want my coat.  I'm cold.  Why are you doing this to me.  Aren't things
bad enough."

"Nope," his mother answered, putting a pillow behind his shoulders to
elevate him properly so he could witness the journey comfortably.

"Take it easy, Martin," the colonel instructed.  "The brakes to the cart
are right beside your brakes.  Use them first and then use yours if you
need them.  The bike won't stop that thing but it'll stop the bike.  The
cart steers when you turn the handlebars.  It's all hooked up on a pulley
and chain so turn the wheel carefully and don't make any sudden moves.

We passed Doug and Augie as they walked toward the clubhouse.  I peddled
and it really wasn't that hard to get the thing rolling.  Of course we
started out on a down slope and that helped.  There was a couple of small
hills that required peddling but then we were on a flat stretch the last
half mile or so, and that required a minimum of effort.

By the time we turned onto the grass that would lead us to a spot right
next to the river, I had figured out all the controls.  It was relatively
easy if you didn't think about it.  I pulled up near the dock and got off
the bike to sit next to him as he looked into the slowly rolling river.

"Pretty, huh?"  I asked.

"Yeah, Now I want to go swimming."

"I think you might sink, Greg, with that rock on your leg."

"Yeah, and it would all be over.  I wish I could get in there.  The water
looks great."

"Believe me, it's cold."

"The voice of experience speaks," he said, giving me a cold glance.

"I thought you weren't holding that against me.  I fixed him up with Augie.
I'm with you."

"Yeah, just all heart, Martin.  My brother wants to be straight as an arrow
and you keep introducing him to guys who will fuck the shit out of him when
you know it's not what he wants.  A real pal you are."

"Well, it's not what he wants when there isn't a guy that will do it," I
said.  "He's got to work the details out on his own."

"My brother's an idiot.  Why not just accept it?"

"Yeah, like you do."

"Well, there was no reason to until you started fucking with my head."

"Oh, I do that?"

"You know you do.  Why do you pretend like you don't know stuff?  You
probably know more about me than I do and don't tell me if you do."

"Probably."

"I just tolk you not to tell me that."

"Yeah, well, maybe not."

There were only a couple of campers in the campground but it was way early
in the season for comfort in the evening and at night.  There was no
activity at all until Augie and Doug came.  Then they stood next to us
giggling and jostling each other.  I was amazed at how mature Augie looked
and how immature he acted around Doug.  I guess I didn't know everything
about how it works but Augie was all man and he could probably kick asses
with the best of them but around Doug he was a puppy, and it was nice to
see that.  It didn't matter what he was elsewhere or what he had once been.
He was okay.

I thought about what I had seen him doing with Van and I knew what Doug
liked and obviously Doug was getting what he wanted, but I didn't know how
Augie could so easily switch roles.  Perhaps it was Van the man that
furnished him with one thing he needed while Doug the beautiful furnished
him with something entirely different, but no less important.  Maybe that's
how it was with some men.  Greg certainly got different things from
different people and it was all things he needed to make it all work for
him.

It's funny how every time I thought I had it all figured out, something
came along to show me how little I know and how there was no one way to be
and no one way of doing things.  It was a mixture of things and experiences
and people that created the good life.  Although I didn't have clue how
what Greg was going through was going to create anything but more pain and
discomfort in my life.

"Come on, I'll show you," Augie said, grabbing Doug's hand.

"What, you haven't shown him yet?"  Greg laughed.  "I figured little
brother would have been all over it by now."

"Greg, bite the big one," Doug said.  "Augie's not like that."

"Yeah, well, his is red and curves a little to the left and big as far as
most guys go, but then again I'm not most guys, huh, Augie? You boys be
good and don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Come on.  It's only up the top of the hill.  I don't want to go back to
your house," Augie said, still pulling on Doug.

"Thought you said two bulls can't always do something together," I said, as
Doug and Augie reached the road.

"I didn't say they couldn't try," Greg said.  "Augie's a bit aggressive for
my taste.  He's got a hell of a body, though.  Fucker pumped iron in the
joint.  He's strong as shit."

"And how did you determine all this?"

"I wanted to fuck him and he wanted to fight.  We fought.  I won't make
that mistake again," Greg said, laughing.

"What mistake is that?"  I asked.

"Trying to fuck or fight him.  He's a bad mother.  Hit me so hard I thought
he'd break my jaw."

"You always seem friendly to each other," I said.

"Yeah, well, I ain't no dummy.  I agreed I wouldn't try to fuck him any
more and he agreed not to hit me any more.  It was an agreement we reached
by mutual best interest."

"He has got a nice body," I said.

"I use to have a nice body."

"You still do," I said.

"Yeah, but all you care about is my dick.  You don't care about the rest of
me."

"Fuck you, Greg, just fuck you.  I ought to make you walk back.  You know
some times you just piss me off."

"Yeah, ain't it hell?  You're a sucker for an insult, Martin.  All the time
we've been together and you still fall for it every time.  You really need
to work on your self confidence, you know."

"That's not all I want from you."

"Might be all that's left once they finish carving on me."

"We'll deal with whatever we have to deal with when it's time."

"I won't make much of a picture with only one leg."

"Greg, you'll be a better man with one leg than most guys are with two.
Besides, you're going to have two legs and that's just something you'll
have to deal with."

"Not a better man than Augie," he said.

"Well, I didn't say all men.  Augie is a stud," I said with an air of
admiration in my voice.

"You little prick.  You're making eyes at Augie?"

"You fall for it every time, Greg.  Get out of the kitchen if you can't
take the heat."

Greg glared at me because he had risen to the bait.  On the way back he
kept trying to get me to go faster.  I did for a short ways but I
remembered his father's instructions and slowed down and listened to the
protests from my passenger.  Then he started yelling that he had a cramp
and I stopped the bike to see what I could do.

When I got to him he grabbed me and pulled me onto the cart and kissed me.
A car came past and I tried to get free of him but he wouldn't let me go.
Once we were alone on the road he kissed me again.  We held each other for
a few minutes, listening for the gravel crunching under tires or feet but
no one else came.

I cried but so he didn't know.  I was really scared then.

"I'm tired," he finally said, letting me go.  "I'm hungry and tired and you
crowding me off my cart.  What you want me to peddle?"

"Me too," I said.  "On the hungry and tired.  I'll peddle."

"I guess I didn't let you get much sleep last night."

"As I remember I had a little something to do with that."

"Yeah, you put up with a lot.  I really needed to prove I could," he said.

"You don't need to prove anything to me."

"You know I've never felt like that before.  I mean it was like I could go
on forever.  My dick felt like it was a yard long and a foot wide and both
times when I came it was like I wasn't going to ever stop."

"You telling me.  You were almost a yard long and a foot wide.  You've
never reacted like that before," I said.  "I got hot just being with you."

"Because I'm scared.  It's the only time I'm not scared now, when you
getting me worked up.  I forget everything then.  You figure my brains in
my dick?"

"Probably.  It's going to be all right, Greg."

"Yeah," he said, not believing it.  "I know."

It was something he had to deal with alone.  There was no way for me to
help him lift the weight he'd been given.  As much as I loved him and as
hard as I tried, at best I neutralized the pain for a time.  I was hoping
the worst thing he faced was losing his leg but I knew, although no one
said it, that it was far worse than that.

No one spoke the words and no one wanted to go there but we all knew that
while the leg was the worry most on our mind, in the back of our minds was
the greater fear of what it meant if they took the leg.  In the back of all
our minds was the same word, cancer.

					*****

Please, when you send a check for the book include your email address so I
can notify you that I've received it and your signed copy of "Antiques &
Homicide/Homocide" will be sent to you the day I receive it.  Guy J. you're
on that first day list.

The book remains on schedule for an end of May prerelease if the current
cover is approved.  I'm the one causing the delay but I'm learning as I go.
It'll go easier the next time.

Amazon & Barnes & Noble will offer the book in June. If you want a signed
copy contact me for the address and amount. I can only take checks or money
orders and I can't take overseas checks.

Thank you for your support and all the kind words.

Peace & Love,
Rick
quillswritersrealm@yahoo.com

www.writersrealm.net