Date: Thu, 7 Feb 2008 19:55:37 +1300 (NZDT)
From: Logan mayor <pathoslm@yahoo.co.nz>
Subject: Falling For Alex; Chapter one

Feel free to email me at pathoslm@yahoo.co.nz with any comments, otherwise
enjoy. Logan.


There I was in the middle of the night racking my muddled brain, trying to
remember exactly what it was I'd said in the message I'd left to him. How
could I be so stupid as to leave him a drunken message? The more I thought
about it the harder it was to remember exactly what I'd said, harder to
differentiate between what I wish I'd said and what I actually had said.
Leaving him a message on his answer phone at this late hour, it had to be
after midnight by now, was bad enough, but I couldn't even think straight
and so couldn't have sounded it. I'd asked him to meet me, I knew that
much. I closed my eyes as I thought of how desperate I'd sounded,
practically begging him to come meet me here of all places. And I was
desperate, I wanted to talk to him so badly, but I didn't need him knowing
how desperate I was.

I'd been talking to him for near six months now, almost everyday on the
phone or over the internet. But that wasn't how I'd met him. I'd met him in
the next city over, during another rough patch at home. I'd needed to get
away from everything and had travelled as far as the bus had taken me. And
that was where I'd meet him. Every time I pictured him in my mind, which
was a lot, it was his bright blue eyes that I remembered the most clearly,
they had been what had drawn me in the first time I'd met him. That and the
fact that he'd been there to talk to when no one else was. We'd swapped
numbers and had been talking ever since. I'd never been attracted to a male
before, I'd never been attracted to anyone before but there was something
about Alex. Just hearing his voice calmed me no matter what mood I was
in. We'd since talked about many things, but I'd never confessed the way I
really felt about him, I wasn't even sure about it myself and I didn't want
to scare him away. But now I'd pretty much done just that. At nineteen I
considered myself mature for my age, but that desperate phone call would
probably leave him thinking I was some stupid kid. He was a little older
then me, and while I wasn't exactly sure what work he was involved in. I
did know he was kept busy travelling a lot. The last thing he needed was a
drunken message telling him to come meet me now, here in a cemetery of all
places.

It wasn't that I had any particular interest with cemeteries or death; I
went there for the peaceful tranquillity. Constantly regurgitated stories
of ghosts seemed to keep others away at night, especially this late,
leaving me free to think. And besides, the cemetery really was a pretty
place at night. Thick clusters of trees grew along the northern border and
rolling hills swelled up in all other directions, separating the sections
of the cemetery just as well as the pathways and man-laid shrubs did. This
section here, nearest the trees, was my favourite place to sit and
think. It was the oldest section, most of the names had worn off the tomb
stones and the numbers that were legible dated back over a century. Most of
the plots were individually fenced, with huge statues of angels or books or
other figures. I sat on a huge slab of concrete that looked like it could
house at least four coffins beneath though by the double tombstone I knew
that it only had two. From here I had a limited view of anything other then
the trees several hundred metres to my side, the neighbouring plots with
their metal fences blocked my view as I sat with one arm draped loosely
around my drawn-in knees and the other clutching the glass bottle I'd
brought with me. The half moon above shone down with its pale glow, hardly
giving off any light as I laid back against the cool concrete. I tried to
count the many stars above me, barely feeling the cold anymore even though
I only wore a black short-sleeved T-shirt and knee-length shorts. There was
no way Alex would come all the way here, and even if he did, the cemetery
was a huge place. He wouldn't be able to find me, what was I thinking? Of
course Alex wouldn't come all the way here, he was probably trying to ring
me back though. No, at this time of night, he was probably sleeping. I
closed my eyes. I should have brought my cell phone with me, but I'd left
the house as quickly as possible. After what I'd done earlier today I
really should have expected my dad to kick me out of the house. But I
hadn't. I'd done a lot of stupid things, but he'd never told me to leave
before. And then I had to go and make everything worse. I replayed the
events in my mind. I was meant to be packing a few things in my room but
instead had sat on my bed and gotten drunk. It's surprising how quickly
that can happen when you haven't eaten for twenty-four hours. Then I'd left
Alex that message. I'd needed to speak to him, although perhaps it was best
he hadn't picked up his phone, I may have said something even more stupid
then what I'd left in the message. And then Johnathan had come in, my
father. Perhaps he was going to ask me to stay, that was probable, but I
didn't give him the chance. I yelled at him. A lot. He yelled back, and
then I made sure he would never want me to stay in the house again. I told
him I was gay, well, yelled it at him would be more accurate. I wasn't even
sure that I was, I was just trying to make him angry. And then I'd left
with nothing but the clothes I wore. Finding a liquor store and pretending
that I was sober for the two minutes it took me to buy alcohol was easy. No
one ever asked me for ID. I was old enough and because of how well-known
Johnathan was everyone knew me too. Damn, now that I thought about it, it
could have been hours since I'd left Alex that message. I didn't even have
my watch.

Tilting the bottle down to my lips the liquid missed its intended target
almost entirely and as it sloshed over my face I realised I'd probably had
enough. Sitting up I wiped my face, pushing my messy blond hair, now
sticky, back from my eyes and blinking until my vision cleared slightly. At
least the alcohol had done its job, keeping me warm and dulling the ache
from my injured hand.

`It's a nice night for a walk isn't it?'

I near jumped out of my skin at the sound of the male voice, staring toward
the trees before realising it had come from the opposite direction. During
the many times I had come here after midnight I'd never seen anyone, never
been disturbed, and because of that, but probably more because of the
amount of alcohol I'd ingested, I didn't expect to see someone standing
there. In that one moment of panic I completely forgot about Alex. Then I
found him, standing only a few metres away beside one of the metal fences,
standing so still he blended in, almost looking like one of the many
surrounding statues. He was tall, at least compared to me, at least six
foot, and although it was dark I could see the long trench-coat he wore
that did a poor job of hiding the bulging muscles beneath. His shoulders
and chest were broad like I remembered, and as he walked toward me I stared
up at his face. Absently taking another swig from the near empty bottle I
placed it between my knees and stared into those bright blue eyes as he
came and sat on the concrete slab next to me. He had short, dark-brown hair
that complemented his strong, handsome features. He looked incredibly young
for thirty-one. He was definitely well-built; I'd worked out on and off in
the school gym for years and couldn't imagine having muscles like the ones
I knew were hiding under that coat. I brought my eyes back up to his tanned
face, to those bright blue eyes that seemed to be smiling at me. It was
then I realised that I was staring and hadn't even spoken.

`Are you alright Logan?' Alex asked. `You don't look so good.'

I looked down at the bottle between my knees, blushing deeply. Although
that could have been because of the alcohol. `I didn't think you'd come, I,
I didn't even think you'd find me here, I didn't even give you good
directions or anything.' I definitely blamed the alcohol for my loose
tongue though. I couldn't help it, I had to look back up into his eyes, and
even under the dull light of the moon they seemed to shine.

`It took me a little while, I feel like I've been walking around in this
cemetery for hours trying to find you. But I came as soon as I heard your
message.' He trailed off as if he was thinking about something and again I
looked away.

`I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked you to come all the way out here, it was
stupid.'

`No, you needed someone to talk to, I'm glad you called me.'

I felt his strong arm wrap around my shoulders and I leaned into him,
resting my head against his chest. 'I didn't think you'd come. I really
didn't, I wouldn't have kept getting drunk if I knew I'd be seeing you.'

'It's alright.' He soothed, 'I told you I'm always here for you, even at
three in the morning.' His smile shone through in his tone. 'What happened
to your hand? Did Johnathan do that?'

I glanced down at my bandaged hand; I'd forgotten it was even
hurt. Something else to blame the alcohol for. 'No, No.' I shook my head a
little, feeling the warmth coming from Alex through his coat. 'But I can't
go back there, not after tonight, or last night I guess.' I hate him so
much.' Something inside me broke then. I suddenly had an overwhelming urge
to cry. It was as if all the pain and anger from the last several hours had
built up inside me and was now threatening to flood out. I could barely
hold the tears back, which was strange, I hardly ever cried. But now I had
to keep speaking or I'd start crying, and that was the last thing I wanted
to do. I hardly ever showed any vulnerability to anyone and I definitely
couldn't here in front of Alex. I tried to think of something else but I
could only picture Johnathan. Johnathan Raine practically ran the city,
everyone knew him, and everyone seemed to like him, and because I was his
adopted son, everyone knew me too. I barely realised when I started
speaking out loud, staring down at my bottle as I now held it up in my
hands, staring at the liquid sloshing about inside as I leaned heavily
against Alex. 'Jamie is his real son. I love Jamie like a real brother
though, he's four years younger then me, but he's really mature for
fifteen, he's my best friend. It's not his fault that they treat me
differently. I just hate how they blame me for everything; I'm the bad
influence on Jamie. Everything I do is wrong.' I closed my eyes and stayed
quiet for a moment, not looking up at Alex when I opened them again, only
looking back at the bottle. `I'm sorry I'm blabbering.'

`It's alright.' Alex said, and it sounded like he meant it. `You need to
get some things out, and I'm a good listener.' His arm tightened around my
shoulders. `You never go into too much detail about your family; I guessed
there was trouble there. You can tell me, I want to know what is bothering
you. I want to help.'

My eyes shifted back to my bandaged hand. I started to sway slightly on the
spot as I leaned my head back against his chest, staring up at the stars
which all seemed to blur together. `I bandaged it myself; I didn't want
them to see that I was hurt, they were mad enough after what I did. It was
meant to just be a little bit of fun. We were bored, Jamie suggested it.'

`Suggested what?'

I blinked my eyes but still the stars seemed to blur. `I'm sorry; I'm not
making any sense.' I half expected him to mention the alcohol I was so
clearly full of as being the reason, which it was, but he didn't.

`I think I'm going to have to take the word `sorry' out of your
vocabulary.'  He said instead.

I almost said sorry in response, but managed to stop myself. `There was a
truck there outside the store, it was still running. It suddenly sounds so
stupid when I say it out loud, maybe I am a bad influence, Jamie wouldn't
have stolen it if he was on his own. We didn't even get that far before I
crashed it through a fence. Of course it won't even be in the papers,
Johnathan will make sure of that. He can't have himself looking bad, that's
why he's gotten rid of me.' It felt weird but at the same time right to
call him Johnathan instead of my dad. He'd never been a proper father
anyway. My real father had died twelve years ago and was buried across the
other side of the cemetery, although I never visited his grave.

`And that's how you hurt your hand?'

I nodded slightly, for a moment I had forgotten that I wasn't alone, caught
up in a trance of past memories, but Alex' voice brought me back. Back to
the memories that were far fresher. And now that I had started, the rest of
the words just seemed to flow out. `It wasn't just a fence either; a house
finally stopped the truck. Johnathan said I could have killed people, he's
right, I could have. I don't know why I did something so stupid, why I
always do stupid things.' I inhaled deeply, tears now trickling down my
cheeks. `Now I've wrecked everything. I don't even have a place to live
anymore.'

`It's alright.' Alex soothed. `No one was hurt, and we all do stupid
things.'

`No.' I shook my head more roughly against him, squeezing my eyes shut as
if that would stop the tears. `Not like I do, he hates me, I hate me.'

`Look Logan, you called me for a reason, you needed help, and I'm going to
help you.'

The smile seemed to be gone from his tone, he sounded more worried then
anything, but I didn't want to look up at him to see his face, I didn't
want him to see that I was crying. I was too drunk to realise that he could
probably already hear that in my voice. And then he said the words that
raised me from my stupor and sent a bolt of alertness into my brain.

`I've spoken to your father. I know you can't go back there, and I'm not
going to leave you out here alone like this. We'll find a motel close by
and then you can get some sleep. You will be able to think more clearly
tomorrow, or at least later on today anyway.'

I was still stuck on the part where he'd spoken to my father. I sat up,
pulling away from him and his warmth, suddenly tense. `You spoke to
Johnathan?'

`I rang you back on your cell phone, he answered.' Alex said simply.

I could feel his eyes on me and looked up at him, up into his deep blue
eyes, suddenly dreading what my father had said to him. I'd just told
Johnathan I was gay and then Alex had rung. Had Johnathan asked him about
it? Did Alex think I was gay? My mind raced as I stared at him, hoping I
was wrong. `What did he say to you?' I asked without fully wanting too.

`It doesn't matter; we can talk about it later after you've had some
sleep.' He smiled gently, resting his hand on my shoulder.

While the gesture was comforting, that wasn't what I wanted to hear. But
with the alcohol in my system I could only think the worst. Johnathan had
told him that I was gay, probably asked him about it. It was probably what
Alex wanted to talk later about. `Tell me now?' My voice was weak, I
suddenly felt nauseous.

`Okay, but only if we can then leave alright? It's cold and I don't want
you to get sick.'

I nodded, his warm hand never leaving my shoulder. Not even as he said the
very words I had been dreading.

`He told me that you had had a fight and that you'd left.' He paused for a
moment, one that seemed to stretch on too long. `He then asked if I was
your boyfriend.'

I looked away, not sure of what to say. I wanted to vehemently deny it, say
that Johnathan was crazy to say something like that. But, part of me wasn't
so sure that I wanted to deny it. `I don't know why he said that.' I said
quietly, looking toward Alex but unable to raise my eyes above his black
shoes. The only thing I was sure of was that I wanted Alex. If nothing else
I wanted his friendship, I didn't want him to leave.

`Come on.' Alex stood, taking off his trench coat to reveal a black
buttoned shirt beneath. `Wear this.' He pulled me to my feet and wrapped
the trench coat around me, helping me put my arms into it with one hand
while the other held my waist, keeping me as steady on my feet as
possible. `You're freezing.'

I didn't feel cold, but I did like the added warmth that the coat gave me.

With his arm looped over my shoulder, holding me tightly high on my waist,
I stumbled through the cemetery. He guided me, constantly asking if I was
alright as I tripped several times over my own feet. `I don't usually get
drunk.' I mumbled as he helped me into his car. Slumping down in the
passenger seat I stared at the lights igniting across the dash as he got in
alongside me and started the car. I hadn't had a good look at what type of
car it was, my mind was too foggy to take in much detail. `I only have a
few times before, just recently.' I found myself saying, staring at the
lights across the dash. There seemed so many, like I was in a space
ship. That was the last thought I remembered having before falling into a
dead sleep.

My head thumped and I gritted my teeth as I held it, moaning. I rubbed my
eyes, opening them slightly, trying to get used to the bright light. It
seemed to take awhile but finally I found myself staring up at a bland
white ceiling, holding my head. Rolling over to my right I saw the cream
curtains still drawn across wide unfamiliar windows. I knew I wasn't at
home. It felt like I had only been asleep for a few minutes, except now
instead of feeling drunk I felt nauseous. I could see the covers beside me
turned down and ruffled, but the place that had so obviously been slept in
was cold. I stretched my hand out on the space Alex had slept in. He had to
have gotten up awhile ago but I found myself wishing that he hadn't. For a
moment I wished I'd woken up earlier to see him lying next to me. I even
found myself wondering what he'd slept in. He can't be too worried about me
being gay if he'd slept next to me. But then maybe I was just deluding
myself. Maybe he was just a good friend, and really, that wasn't such a bad
thing.

`Morning Logan, you hungry?'

I sat up, holding my head at the sudden movement as Alex walked into the
room, past the closet and around to my side of the bed, holding a glass of
water. He sat down on the side of the bed beside me.

`I cooked you some bacon and eggs.' He smiled, handing me the glass and
dropping a couple of small white pills into the other hand. `I'm not much
of a cook, but I think they are eatable.'

Indeed I could smell the bacon and eggs, but it stirred my stomach in the
wrong way. I didn't ask what the pills were as I swallowed them down, I
think I would have accepted just about anything without question from
Alex. `Thanks, but you didn't have to cook for me.' He still wore the same
black shirt as last night, the top couple of buttons undone. I felt a
little exposed as I didn't have a shirt on, and compared to him I was a
runt. I couldn't even get out of bed to look for my T-shirt because I could
feel my morning hardness pressing against my boxes under the covers. I
didn't want Alex to see that, not when I was still unsure of what he
thought about me possibly being gay. `Where's my shirt?' I looked up into
his eyes, I knew I could get lost in them and somehow they comforted me
because I didn't see anything bad there. No judgement only a friendly,
caring look. I loved his eyes; even more then I liked looking at his
muscular chest and wondering exactly what the muscles beneath looked like.

Alex shook his head slightly as his smile grew. `You had a bit of an
accident last night, let's just say that I don't think you have anything
left in your stomach.'

`I got sick?' I groaned, rubbing my hands down over my face. `I didn't get
sick on you did I? Damn I don't even remember that.'

`No, we almost made it to the toilet.' Alex chuckled.

`I'm never drinking again, I'm so sorry about that.'

`I'll hold you to that.' Alex smiled, his bright eyes so sharp and full of
life. `Don't be embarrassed about it, I've been there before and you'll
feel better soon, especially after you get something into your stomach.'

I stared at his lips as they moved, not really listening to the words. So
mesmerised I became that I didn't even realise that he'd stopped
speaking. Damn I really wanted him. I had never wanted anyone before, never
looked at anyone the way I was looking at him. No one had ever stirred
these feelings of attraction in me before. This must be the way my friends
felt about their girlfriends, the way the girls that had asked me out, and
there had been a few, felt when they looked at me. But that couldn't be
completely true; this wasn't just physical lust, even though I wanted to
touch him so badly. Even talking to him over the phone, just hearing his
voice stirred these indescribable feelings within me. But being here in his
presence seemed to make it all the more intense. Maybe I didn't just need
him as a friend, I knew I wanted more, but maybe I needed more too.

`You weren't listening to a word I said were you?'

I wasn't, and with the way I was openly staring, my eyes drifting from his
own down to his lips, down even further to where the open buttons of his
shirt revealed not nearly enough of his slightly tanned skin, it was
completely obvious. Suddenly I was overcome with more then just nausea. I
felt bad. I felt horrible for looking at him like I was. He was a friend,
one who had always been there for me to speak to over the past six months,
one that had helped me at my lowest last night. And there was no way that
he could be gay, no way that he could look at me like I was looking at
him. I didn't know any gay people, for all I knew the city was void of
them, but when I pictured a gay person I always pictured someone
feminine. Not someone like Alex, who looked and acted anything but. My
stomach sunk lower then ever before, even lower then it had when I'd been
riding in the back of a police car to be delivered back to Johnathan. I
watched him smiling and pictured him laughing at me, at the way I felt, and
for the second time in less then twenty-four hours I wanted to cry. It
would be a record. There was no way I could explain the way I was staring
at him, my mind was blank of excuses even though they usually came so
easily to me. And then he touched me.

`Are you alright?'

He placed his hand down on my thigh, so close to my hard shaft and I
reacted without meaning to. My hand was suddenly there on top of his,
scaring myself far more then I could ever startle him. I wanted to push his
hand over. I needed to get away. Suddenly I pushed the covers back,
knocking his hand off and jumping out of the bed so fast Alex was just a
blur as I fled from the bedroom.

The adjoining kitchen and lounge were combined and the bathroom was to the
right, next to the exit. I rushed in, shutting the door behind me and
turning on the shower before I even took another breath. Dropping my boxers
to the floor I got in the shower, letting the warm water stream over me and
mingle with my tears. I couldn't pretend. I had thought I could. Stupidly
I'd thought I could just remain friends with him and hide the feelings that
were so wrong deep inside of me. He would probably leave now, and that
thought made me cry more. No, he was too nice to just leave without saying
anything. He would probably be out there waiting for me, wanting to talk
about it. But what could I say.

`Logan.'

I turned away from the smooth white wall to face the plastic shower
curtain, seeing Alex's shadow through it. Before I could say anything, not
that I knew what to say, the shower curtain was pulled back and I was again
staring into those deep blue eyes.

`Come here.'

He grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the shower. I stood there, water
running off me to pool at my feet on the white tiled floor, watching his
eyes that didn't waver from my own. I was still hard; the damn thing
wouldn't go down even though I was upset, and I was acutely aware that was
naked in front of him.

`I need to apologise to you.' He said quietly, his hands holding both of my
wet arms.

`No, no, I'm sorry.' We stood so close I could almost feel his shirt
against my bare skin. And then he leaned forward. I didn't expect it, and
I'm sure I leant back a little but still his lips found mine
effortlessly. And then I leant into him, pressing my lips back against his,
feeling his warm tongue slip through and into my mouth. New feelings surged
through me and my hands clung to his arms as his lowered to hold me around
the waist. He caressed my tongue with his own before pulling back, far too
soon. I found myself staring back into his deep blue eyes, only inches
away.

`I should have done that sooner.' He said. `I wanted to as soon as I saw
you last night.'

I couldn't help but reflect the same smile that brightened his face. `You
should have.'

`You were drunk; I didn't want to take advantage.' He grinned. `But I guess
this means that you want the same thing as I do.' As he spoke his hand
drifted from my waist, slowly, softly trailing over my skin until his
fingers became nestled in my light brown pubic hair.

`Stop, or I'll explode.' And I felt so in more ways then one. It was as if
electricity was coursing through my veins, swelling through my body. It
felt too good.

`I don't mind.' He smiled, smothering my lips with his own once more as his
hand closed around my shaft, gently stroking me, caressing me, making me
harder and hotter then I'd ever thought was possible.

This time I pulled away first, smiling almost sheepishly back at him as he
continued to stroke me with one hand. `I must taste disgusting.' I blurted,
making his smile grow. `I should really brush my teeth.'

He laughed a little, but not at me, more to dispel my nervousness. `You're
nervous; you haven't been with a guy before?'

I shook my head.

`That's okay, we'll go slow, I want you to be comfortable. We've got plenty
of time.' He kissed me again, gently, slowly on the lips. `And I want you
to know, I said yes.'

`What?'

When your dad asked me if I was your boyfriend, I said yes.'