Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 16:09:37 +1300 (NZDT)
From: Logan mayor <pathoslm@yahoo.co.nz>
Subject: Falling For Alex/Chapter Three

Feel free to email me with any comments or thoughts, otherwise enjoy,
Logan.

Chapter three

`You hanged up on him!' I glared at Alex, stunned by his actions. `Why the
hell did you do that for?'

`I had too. It was Johnathan you were speaking too wasn't it?'

Alex's posture as he sat in front of me on the bed hadn't changed
dramatically, but I noticed the smaller things. I noticed how rigid he'd
become, how he sat now without making even the slightest movement. His eyes
held an intensity that would have frightened me if I didn't know him,
didn't trust him. They seemed darker, seemed to bore right into me with
even more scrutiny then that which I stared at him with.

`Yes! And you just hanged up on him!' I wanted to be angry, in a way I was
and it sounded in my words. But I was more confused then anything. `I don't
get it, why didn't you want him to know your name?'

Alex stared back at me without replying immediately. I couldn't handle his
silence. `Give me the phone back.' I reached out for the phone with my
bandaged hand; it was still mainly numb though my fingers were tingling
with enough sensation to grasp the phone. But he didn't give it to me. The
only movement he made was to lower his eyes down to the phone in his hands
and away from mine. `You turned it off didn't you?' I didn't need an answer
to that; Johnathan would have tried to ring back immediately. And so I
didn't wait for Alex to reply. I moved off the bed and walked out the door,
still nothing coming from Alex to stop me.



In the bathroom I found my boxers and pulled them on. Storming back into
the bedroom I found that Alex had barely moved. He still sat on the bed,
but had turned to now face the doorway and me as I came back in. I didn't
look at him. I couldn't handle this sudden change in him. I didn't
understand. My thoughts were chaotic and jumbled. And there was only one
thing I knew. I had to get out. I had to get away. It was my most basic
reaction to any uncomfortable situation. I'd lost count of the times I'd
walked away from my family, disappearing for hours at a time. Whether I
felt scared, angry, frustrated or hurt my reaction was always to flee. To
escape and find solace the only way I knew how. To be on my own with only
my thoughts to calm me, although lately alcohol had been involved there
too.  On my side of the bed I leant down to finally find my jeans tucked
underneath. And as I pulled them on Alex finally spoke.

`I'm sorry Logan; I shouldn't have taken the phone off you.'

In my peripheral vision I could see Alex stand and take a step toward me.

`There are some things I need to tell you, really I should have told you
before but I didn't know how you would react.'

Now I was the one who didn't reply. I moved past him, barely acknowledging
him as he stood at the foot of the bed. I reached down to the clothes
heaped beside Alex's black duffel bag and grabbed the first shirt I saw, a
dark grey one.

`Logan stop, I don't want you to leave.'

I felt his hands on my shoulders and instinctively tried to shrug them off,
but he kept hold of me, turning me around to face him. `Let go of me!' I
growled far harsher then I meant too. I couldn't help it, I felt like I was
being restrained. But as Alex quickly let go of me I instantly wished that
he hadn't. I looked deep into his eyes, his face. I hated what I saw; I
hated seeing the pain in his eyes and knowing that I was causing it. I
cared for him so much I couldn't stand seeing him hurt even though
logically I knew it wasn't my fault.

`Logan please, you said you trusted me, you do trust me don't you?'

I couldn't hurt him by saying the truth, by saying what I really felt right
now. And so I couldn't say anything.

Alex raised his hands slightly, like he wanted to reach out to grab my arms
and hold me in place once more, but he seemed to think better of it,
lowering his arms back down to his sides. `I care about you Logan, more
then I've ever cared about anyone.' He spoke, desperation breaking apart
his normally controlled and even tone. `You have to believe that. My life
is complicated, I'm used to controlling everything and everyone in it, and
I'm not accustomed to explaining myself to anyone. But I don't want to be
that way with you. I act differently around you, I am myself, my true self,
there is no pretence, you actually know the real me Logan, you know me
better then the majority of people I've known for years.' His deep blue
eyes glistened with despair as he held up the phone. `I've been carrying
this phone with me for months now, I never leave it anywhere. I never want
to miss your calls, even though I'm usually the hardest person on the
planet to get hold of by phone. You can'

 t even begin to understand how deeply I feel for you. Every small thing
you do has such a profound effect on me, like when I make the briefest
mention of something, you remember and ask me about it later. I've never
met anyone who cares as much as you do. You seem to know exactly when
something is bothering me no matter how small and insignificant I make it
sound. You know. You know me.'

`I feel that too.' It floored me to hear him say the same things I felt
about him. I hadn't seen this side to Alex before. I was used to him being
confident and happy like he normally was when I spoke to him, I was even
used to the caring way he spoke to me when I was troubled. I liked those
things about him. He was someone who was always so strong, inside and
out. But here he was opening his heart to me, showing a vulnerable side I
hadn't seen before. I didn't even know it had existed. And I didn't know
what to do. I wanted to say something comforting, I wanted to see the smile
I loved lighting his eyes. But I couldn't say the things I needed too just
to make everything the way I liked it. My mind was still confused, but I
was hurt too. There was still much to Alex I didn't know. Would I like all
the other parts of him as much as those parts I knew? `But I need to know
the things you are hiding....' I had to lower my eyes away from his; I
couldn't stand to see the pain there

 . It seemed to penetrate deep into my heart, seemed to tear at it so
deeply I could physically feel pain. `If you really care that much, you
would know that you could tell me anything, you would tell me everything.'

`I want too.' He finally broke through his reservations and reached out to
grasp my hand, squeezing it. `But I wanted to wait. I wanted to make sure
you trusted me first; I wanted to make sure you knew that my feelings for
you were genuine. I don't want you to think for a moment that they are
anything less.' Hesitantly his other hand reached out, his fingertips
lightly touching my chin, guiding my eyes back up to his.

`I don't know what to think.' I said honestly, staring once more into his
eyes, his deep, caring eyes. `You need to tell me what's going on.'

`I know.' He said, exhaling slowly, half closing his eyes. `I know I do.'

I could tell he didn't want to and I'm sure I didn't breathe as I waited,
my mind zipping from one possibility to the next.

`I know Johnathan.' He finally said, quickly continuing before I could
fully digest his words. `We haven't spoken for years but we have a, well, I
can only say we have a complicated history. There is no point in dredging
through the details, they are best left in the past, but there is nothing
good there. That's why I didn't want him knowing that you were with me, I
didn't want him knowing I was anywhere near here. It's only going to bring
trouble.'

`But you spoke to him, when you rang my cell phone last night.' I still
couldn't fully comprehend his words, but my mind was buzzing with the
effort.

`He didn't recognise my voice; I haven't spoken to him in eleven years.'

`When you were twenty?' I asked, working it out in my own mind out
aloud. `But I would have been living with him for a year then...so that
means that you knew me, you knew who I was. You knew who my father was when
you met me six months ago.'

`Yes, and that's why I didn't want to say anything, not yet. I don't want
you to think I had any ulterior motives in speaking with you. Because I
don't. When I first met you that night six months ago, I figured out
quickly who you were as you spoke about Johnathan. Maybe that did have
something to do with us swapping numbers initially. But not for
long. Honestly, Johnathan being your father just makes things more
difficult for me. But the way I feel about you isn't so difficult. I know
what I feel; I've been searching for someone like you for so long.'

Unconsciously I pulled my hand out of his and turned away.

`You're not leaving are you?'

`I need to think.' And I did. I wanted to know more, but at the same time I
was still struggling with what I'd already heard. There was a large part of
me that didn't know whether to believe Alex or not. Was it possible that he
was just using me to get at Johnathan in some way?

`Logan.'

He grabbed my shoulder and pulled me back to him, and I didn't struggle. I
pressed my head against his chest as he wrapped his arms around me.

`I never want to hurt you.' He whispered.

And suddenly I believed it. It was like something was clicking together
inside me. No matter my confusion I could only think of a million things
he'd said or done to show that he really did care, and I couldn't discount
it all. What I felt from him was real. It had to be. `I need to take a
shower.' I said, moving away from him and turning toward the open doorway
before I could look at his eyes and be drawn back in.



He didn't follow me and I showered alone with my thoughts. As I dressed in
Alex's dark grey shirt I could only be sure of two things. First I needed
to know more, and secondly, I was sure that Alex cared about me.

Alex was still in the bedroom as I came back in. I couldn't tell if he'd
moved around or not but he was sitting on the end of the bed still
clutching the phone in his hands. His eyes rose to meet me as I walked in,
desperately searching my expression to try and gauge my feelings.

`You look good in that shirt.' He said hesitantly, unsure of what I was
going to say.

`Thanks.' I replied. I couldn't stop the small smile from creasing my
lips. I liked him so much it hurt to see him anything but happy. `It's
dressier then what I normally wear, but I can't exactly go outside in
nothing.'

`You're still leaving?' He stood quickly, concern clouding his beautiful
blue eyes.

`Yeah I'm hungry. But with me wearing this shirt I'm likely to be robbed so
you'll have to come and protect me.'

He wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly, expelling all air from
my lungs and crushing my arms between me and his firm torso. `Okay, okay,
can I breathe now?' My voice was muffled against his blue shirt and I
laughed a little, purely to release some of the anxiety inside.

He pulled back enough to let me breathe easier, but didn't let go
entirely. His hands were still tightly wrapped around my arms and his lips
found mine, kissing me softly. `I'll try and explain things as we walk
alright?'

I was still thrown my his previous omission, but just being with him, being
as close to him as I was now, calmed me so much I knew everything would be
okay. It had to be. It felt like I had been with Alex forever, and I
couldn't think of that ending, couldn't bring myself to even imagine not
always feeling the warmth, security and love I felt when I was within his
arms. My lips curved into a smile, one that grew as I finally saw the cloud
of concern dampen from his deep, mesmerising eyes. `Okay, but first we
eat. And I need to get other supplies as well.' His hands finally released
me and he moved away a few steps to the closet.

`Like what?'

`Like cigarettes and a lighter. I'm dying for a cigarette right now.'

The look he gave me as he put his trench coat on made me smile. `I didn't
know you smoked cigarettes.'

`I do, badly. But it's weird, being here with you, I haven't felt like one
at all. Well, not until you went and stressed me out anyway.' I said with a
grin, not really meaning anything by it.

`You shouldn't smoke.' He said half-seriously, suddenly grabbing me in his
arms and urging his lips against mine for a prolonged moment. `It's bad for
you.'

`Really?' I smiled playfully, reaching up to lightly trail a finger over
his soft lips. `Damn I wish you'd told me that sooner; here I was thinking
it was good for me.'

He chuckled softly, kissing my finger and nuzzling my hand. `We better get
going.'

`Yeah, my stomach's growling.' I took his hand and we left.



During the short ride down in the elevator to the first floor I found
myself worrying about small things. I'm sure I was only worrying about
those things to keep my mind busy and off what Alex might tell me about
himself and Johnathan. I worried about not having any money. I didn't
usually carry my wallet on me; the pockets of my jeans were my wallet more
then anything else, and I'd spent all I had on alcohol last night. I didn't
want to ask Alex for money, and I definitely couldn't ask him to buy
cigarettes for me, so I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I also worried
about holding Alex's hand. I felt comfortable around him, but wasn't sure
I'd feel so comfortable holding his hand in public. I really shouldn't have
worried so much though. As soon as we stepped foot out of the elevator his
hand slipped away from mine. Without hesitation he paid for the food at the
McDonalds across the street and then he even went into the shop next door
to buy my cigarettes without a word a

 s I waited outside holding the bags of burgers and fries.



I gave him an ongoing commentary of all the places I usually went as we
walked, pointing out my favourite shops and the places I just liked to go
to waste time. There was a constant stream of sounds around us. People were
everywhere, walking past without a glance, too involved in their own
purposes. The many cars driving by emitted a steady roar that drowned out
almost anything else as I led the way through the busy streets. The city
never truly slept, but it did wind down. Soon the sun, which was shining
brightly as it slipped lower behind the towering buildings in the near
cloudless sky, would be gone and the traffic would lighten. The steady
stream of people would thin out into smaller clusters as the dark of night
settled in. Within the hour this busy sidewalk would be a totally different
place. It was all so familiar to me, and I loved sharing it with Alex. With
him at my side everything seemed so new, so fresh and exciting. Nothing
else seemed to matter, not even where

 we were. Just as long as I was with him.



After less then an hour we had passed out of the central hub of the city,
leaving the meshed sound of the many vehicles in the distance. Cutting
through alleyways in the deepening shadows we finally came to
halt. Although still well within the city this park we now stood in held a
peaceful atmosphere, making it feel isolated at the same time. I hadn't
been here at night before; usually I kept to the well-lit and busier
sections of the city. I hadn't run into trouble before, hadn't encountered
anyone with devious intent, and I held onto the belief that that was
because I wasn't stupid and stayed where I knew it was safe. But with Alex
at my side I wasn't worried at all. I sat close to him on a wooden bench,
still clutching the bag of food I'd barely touched. I couldn't see the
stars in the sky as I stared up, not like in the cemetery, the glow from
the many lights of the city seemed to flood them out. A street light shined
next to a path several feet away, but its bright golde

 n light didn't quite touch the bench we occupied. I liked sitting here in
the darkness, feeling the cooler tinge of night air electrifying my skin
through Alex's shirt, keeping my mind awake and the tiredness my body felt
at bay.

`What are you smiling about?' Alex asked, wrapping his arm around my
shoulders, moulding my body in against his.

`Just thinking of you.' I smiled, looking up into his eyes, looking at the
way the shadows played with his features. I closed my eyes as I felt his
lips warm my own. I wanted to stay lost in his mouth forever. The only
thoughts I had were of him. Of the feel of his lips against mine, the feel
of his tongue caressing my own, the taste of his mouth, and the alluring
scent of his breath. I didn't want to think of anything else. I didn't want
to think of anything changing between us, of the secrets Alex seemed to
guard close. I had to know everything about Alex, but I didn't want
too. The possibilities could be bad, they could change things, could change
the way I looked at him. And I didn't want him to be anything other then
the perfect man I was falling so heavily for.

I kept my eyes closed as his lips left mine, enjoying being pressed so
close against him. We sat in silence for awhile; he seemed as reluctant to
speak as I was to listen to anything that might bring about change. But
finally he spoke, causing a shudder of dread to spark through my chest.

`Do you want me to tell you more now?'

`No.' I confessed honestly. `I've been trying not to think of it.'

`I've noticed.'

His voice held the smile I was used too, calming me. `I just don't want to
hear anything bad.' And it felt so easy to say my thoughts out loud to him,
to speak with no inhibitions almost like the way I spoke with Jamie, except
with Alex I didn't feel the need to hold anything at all back. Right now as
the cold air swept across the exposed skin of my face I wanted to stay in
my bubble of things I knew, but could feel reality settling in, could feel
my worries that I'd tried to suppress for the past hour niggling at me.

`Relax.' Alex said in his soothing, calm-inducing tone. `It's not too bad;
you know how much I care about you. The only reason that I've kept some
things quiet is because of how much I care. My life is complicated, I don't
want you to worry or get the wrong idea.'

`Yeah, but I don't want things to be complicated. You're perfect to me as
you are, I don't want anything to change.'

`It won't. The way I feel about you, the way you feel about me, that's not
going to change. And that's all that really matters.'

`I think I need a cigarette first.' I pulled the packet out of my jeans,
sliding one free and holding it between my fingertips. `Okay, so tell me,
how do you know Johnathan?' I held the dark blue lighter up, igniting the
tip of my cigarette and inhaling deeply. I exhaled slowly, watching the
thick cluster of smoke dissipate out into the cool night air as Alex spoke.

`I'm not sure where to begin exactly.' Alex said, shuffling about a little
until he was in a more relaxed position, his legs stretched out onto the
short grass before him and one arm still looped around my shoulders. He
leant heavily against the back of the bench, staring up into the darkness
above. `I guess I have to start with the reason Johnathan found me, and
that would be because of Zane Riccarton. I still use his last name but
that's just because it would be too difficult to change things now.'

I couldn't help but turn to look at him with the way he spoke; I'd never
heard that tone to his voice before. It was blunt, bitter, and full of
loathing. His face still appeared calm as he stared up at the smoke I
emitted drifting out into nothing, but as he continued to speak his tone
only seemed to grow stronger with hatred. And the change in him was so
sudden, just as sudden as it had been when he'd hanged up on Johnathan. It
seemed impossible for someone's mood to change so drastically so quickly,
and witnessing it was almost scary.

`He wasn't my father, but I was only a baby when my mother married Zane,
and that was primarily because he had wealth in abundance due only to him
being steeped so heavily in crime. There's nothing good to say about that
man. I'll never hate anyone the way I hated him.'

I reached out to rub my hand on his leg, a small attempt to try and distil
the strong feelings evident in his tone. `Is he still alive?

He placed his hand down on top of mine, squeezing it. `No, thankfully that
bastard's gone to hell.'

His answer was filled with anger, another side to Alex I hadn't seen
before, and wasn't sure I wanted to see anymore of.

But once more his tone changed abruptly, when he spoke again after a brief
pause of silence he sounded calmer, more controlled like normal. `Years
before Zane married my mother; he had a son with another woman. That son
was Johnathan. Johnathan's mother went on to marry some wealthy
businessman, giving Johnathan the privileged upbringing and the wealth he
still enjoys today.'

Alex seemed lost in past memories as he stared up at nothing in particular
and I found myself recalling my own memories, staring likewise up at
nothing. `Johnathan doesn't talk about his parents much.' I thought back to
when I was a kid. Back before Johnathan had adopted me. He'd found me
living on the street, where I had been for four months. I remembered little
of that time, whenever I thought back to my childhood there was this huge
hazy spot over everything that had happened before I was eight or nine. I
think it was because I had spent so long trying to forget, not letting
myself think of it, that my mind had buried those memories far too deep to
recall easily. I remembered the facts, I remembered certain small memories,
although I couldn't be sure if they were actual memories or just things I
had dreamt. `When I first came to live with Johnathan, before he adopted
me, he told me about his parents. I think he was trying to comfort me,
trying to show that he understood ho

 w I was feeling, and I think it worked; I mean I started calling him dad
almost straight away. He said that his parents had died in a car accident
when he was younger.'

Alex didn't say anything for a long moment. `They did, and after having
Jamie and adopting you, he went in search of his real father. That was how
he found me. We clashed straight away. Really he was just angry that he'd
missed the chance to meet his father by only a matter of months. But also
he took exception to what I had to say about Zane. You know how Johnathan
is, people like him don't change. He wouldn't do anything illegal even if
his life depended on it. He's so straight that if he ever received a
parking ticket his world would be over, so he didn't want to believe that
his father was so heavily involved in crime, even when I showed him the
proof. So Johnathan and I have never seen eye-to-eye.'

I could hear the struggle in his tone, he didn't want to go into further
detail and I felt bad for making him. `It's okay; I think I know enough to
understand.'

Alex slipped his hand inside his trench coat, pulling something out from a
concealed pocket within. `I want you to hold onto this, it's yours now and
I want to be able to reach you later on tonight, I mentioned that I had to
go out later didn't I?'

I took the phone he handed me, nodding. `You said you had some work to do.'
The phone was still switched off.

`Johnathan has probably left you a hundred messages on there by now. But I
hope you understand why I couldn't let you talk to him until I had
explained things myself. Hate isn't even a strong enough word to describe
how Johnathan feels about me, and he'll try and make you hate me too.'

I looked up from the phone, slipping it down into the pocket of my jeans
without even switching it on. Alex was now looking back at me, he seemed
worried.

`Johnathan can do a lot of things, but there's no way he could make me hate
you.' I smiled and in return Alex's face lightened, a smile creeping across
his lips too.

`I hope so.' He squeezed my hand tighter and in turn I squeezed his leg
beneath it. `But he will try.'

I flicked my cigarette butt away into the grass to smoulder as he leant in
to kiss me. `No don't, I taste like smoke.'

`I don't care.' He replied, pushing down the hand I'd pressed against his
chest to stop him and kissing me anyway. `You know you mean a lot to me.'

`Yeah I know, you've told me enough.' I smiled. `And you know you can tell
me anything. You said you weren't used to having to explain yourself to
anyone, I don't want it to be like that, I don't want to feel like I have
to confront you about anything, I just want you to want to tell me
everything.'

`I will.' He nodded. `But there's so much to tell. You will see for
yourself when you come up north with me.' His smile widened as he
added. `If you come with me I should say. But until then you can ask me
anything.' He watched as I pulled free another cigarette. `Are you having
another?'

`Yeah.' I nodded. `It's only my second today; usually I would have had at
least twenty by now, so I've got some catching up to do.'

`I must really be "stressing you out", as you say.'

I smiled slightly as I held the cigarette between my lips and lit it. `I
have a lot of things to think about.'

His arm tightened around my shoulders. `Tell me what you are thinking.'

`Too many things.' I replied candidly.

`You are worried about leaving Angela and Jamie aren't you?'

He seemed to be reading my mind. `Yeah, and about what they are going to
say. If Johnathan hates you as much as you say, I can only imagine what
he's doing right now.'

`Probably everything he can think of to get you away from me. And in my
experience, people with too much money are used to getting what they want.'
Alex said with a hint of distain in his tone.

`Johnathan doesn't really have that much money, not anymore. I guess
asset-wise he is rich, but he doesn't have much money. He only keeps enough
money for us to live on, the rest he donates back into the city.'

`I heard about that. It was well publicised that he put all the money he
had into rebuilding the city after that earthquake ripped it apart. I
haven't exactly been following what he's been doing over the years, but I
have always kept up to date with current affairs.'

`He doesn't need money to find me though; he's friends with all the
important people around here. I wouldn't be surprised if he has the cops
out looking for me right now.' Loudly I blew out a puff of smoke and
relaxed back into Alex. `I don't want to hide or run away though. If I did
that I wouldn't be able to visit Jamie or Angela whenever I wanted too.' I
turned to look at him, releasing another breath of smoke out of the corner
of my mouth so as not to blow it in his face `I don't know what to do. Are
you sure that after all of these years Johnathan still hates you?'

`Without question. Let's just say that I made quite an impact on him. You
definitely won't be seeing us speaking civilly to one another.'

`He's not going to like me leaving with you at all.' I sighed looking back
up into the night sky as if expecting to find answers there. `I don't want
to cause trouble, not for you and not even for Johnathan.'

`You are not causing me any trouble. I can handle Johnathan, and once we
get away from this city, he won't even be in the picture. That I can
guarantee.'

`But I don't want it to be like that. I want to be able to at least get
along with Johnathan, and I can't even imagine not seeing Angela or Jamie
everyday.'

`It sounds like you are unsure about whether you want to come with me or
not.' He lifted my hand to hold it in his. `And that's alright, I'll come
back here every weekend to see you if I have too.'

I puffed heavily on the cigarette, breathing it out slowly as I half-closed
my eyes. `I don't want to see you just on weekends, I want to be with you
all the time.'

Alex laughed quietly. `I want to see you all the time too.'

`Then what should I do?'

`That's not my choice to make.' He said, lightly rubbing my hand in
his. `But you don't have to decide right now.'

`I think I already have decided. It's just talking to my family and trying
to make them understand that's the problem.' I flicked the cigarette butt
away and leaned further into Alex, wrapping my now cigarette-free hand
around him. `I don't even want to think about it anymore, it's all just
depressing me.'

`We can't have that.' He rested his chin on top of my head as I snuggled
further into the warmth radiating off him. `You don't need to worry so
much. Things have a way of working themselves out.'

`I can't help worrying. I always worry, and especially about this.'
Suddenly I sat upright, looking straight into Alex's gentle blue eyes as a
troubling thought struck me. `What if Johnathan's found out what motel I'm
staying in? He could be there right now, or he could have sent the cops
there to get me.'

Alex's smile widened as he replied, gently raising the arm from around my
shoulders to softly stroke the side of my face. `What do I have to do to
stop you worrying so much? I'm here with you so even if Johnathan finds you
he won't be able to do anything. Besides, I doubt he would have found you
anyway. The motel room isn't under your name; it's not even under mine.'

`But the manager there knows me; he's kicked me out of the place enough
times. I think he's only there in the mornings though, I didn't see him as
we left.'

Alex kissed the top of my head. `Seriously, you need to relax. I know
there's a lot to think about, but worrying yourself over things you have no
control over does not help. Trust me, things will work out alright.'

I wanted to trust him, and being here with him, sitting against him once
more on the bench, helped. It was hard not to worry about everything, but
here with Alex beside me it was just as hard not to feel a sense of
contentment, happiness at just being with here him.



We sat for a little while longer, before a quiet alarm bleeped from Alex's
watch. It was time to go back. Walking more quickly back toward the motel
we talked little. Under the partial cover of night I clutched his hand
tightly. I didn't even care what the few people we passed thought. It was
strange, but I felt even closer to Alex now then when we had first left the
motel. Perhaps learning more about him, even the parts that weren't so
good, was bringing us closer together. It definitely felt like it. I didn't
even loosen my grip on his hand as we passed through the lobby of the
motel, I didn't care what the small group of people talking to the right of
the reception desk thought, although I did keep my head lowered in case
someone recognised me. Despite trying otherwise, I couldn't help but still
worry about Johnathan finding me here.



`Is it Jacob Fantony?'

`What?' Alex asked without turning his head as he stuffed his belongings
back into his black duffel bag.

`The name that this room is under?' I leant back against the doorway of the
bedroom, watching him pack his things and wishing he wasn't leaving. There
was a physical knot of uneasiness in the pit of my stomach that was growing
with each passing second. I knew that the moment he left I would be alone
with my thoughts. Alone to do nothing but worry endlessly about my family
and what they were doing now.

`Yes' Alex replied, zipping the bag closed and slinging it over his
shoulder as he turned to face me, his lips curved into the smile that I
loved. His trench coat hung open revealing the pale blue shirt that
brightened his eyes, his beautiful deep blue eyes.

`Is Jacob a real person?' Although it was a valid question, I was really
just stalling for time; I didn't want him to go.

`Yes.' Alex's smile grew as he came to stand before me in the doorway,
sliding his hands around my waist. `And I need to go; I have a friend
waiting for me.'

He kissed me and I wrapped my arms around him, prolonging the kiss for as
long as I could. `I don't want you to go.'

`I don't want to go either.' He replied softly, his forehead resting
against mine as he gazed into my eyes. `If I could get out of it I would.'

Groaning I closed my eyes. I really didn't want him to leave. `How long
will you be gone for?'

`Only a few hours I hope, but it might take longer. You look exhausted, you
should sleep and then I'll be back in no time at all.'

`I want to go with you.' I pressed my lips against his, hugging him as
tightly as I could.

`It won't take long.' He replied softly.

He stepped back from me and I grabbed his arms, trying to hold onto him for
as long as possible.

`The sooner I go the sooner I can come back to you.' He smiled, raising his
arms so that he clasped my hands.

`Where are you going?'

`A little way out of the city.'

`But where? You said you weren't going to hide anything anymore, so you
have to tell me.' I found myself smiling as he laughed.

`I did say that. But I really have to go now.'

`Then tell me quickly.'

`You just want me to stay here longer.' He smiled, kissing me again. `But
I'll give you the short version and then explain more when I get back. I'm
going to talk with someone; he's a witness in a murder trail coming up, but
a rather reluctant witness. I'm going to talk to him and make sure he
testifies.'

`Are you a lawyer?' I kept my grip on his hands as he shuffled sideways out
of the bedroom and toward the exit.

`I am a qualified lawyer.' He answered with his mysterious grin that left
me knowing that he wasn't really answering my question at all.

`But that's not what you do?' It was plainly obvious to us both that my
questions only held one objective, and that was solely to keep him here
with me for longer.

He wrestled one hand free from me, quite easily as I wasn't gripping him as
tightly as I wanted to with my injured hand, and opened the door, pulling
himself, and subsequently me, beyond the threshold of our room.

`I really have to go.' He said through his grin, his blue eyes sparkling as
he spoke.

He kissed me again and finally I released the hold on his remaining hand,
interlocking my hands now behind his neck and pulling him in to kiss him
again. `I'll miss you.'

He was smiling as he turned away, disappearing from view around the bend in
the hallway after a few short paces. I listened to the sound of the
elevator doors opening and then closing, and then finally turned back to
the room.



I locked the door behind me and then stood there staring at the motel room
which suddenly seemed so empty. Grabbing the bag of food I still hadn't
eaten much of off of the short kitchen bench along with an empty glass I
went back into the bedroom and sat on the bed. There was nothing left of
Alex here. The closet door was half open with nothing inside. The luggage
holder alongside was just as despairingly void of anything. But not
quite. I smiled as I spied the notes sitting there where Alex's bag had
been. He'd left me money, although I wasn't planning on going anywhere to
spend it. I pulled the cigarettes out of my pocket and laid them on the
bed, but not before propping one between my lips. I took the phone out of
my other pocket; it was prodding into my leg, and then lit the
cigarette. Not everything of Alex's was gone. I still wore his shirt. Soon
he would be back, I told myself, positioning the glass in front of me to
use as an ashtray. They had ashtrays on offer for se

 lected rooms down at the front desk but I didn't want to speak to anyone
to get it. Everything was quite. Far too quiet. I thought about watching TV
in the lounge, or at least turning it on to drown out the silence. But I
didn't feel like moving either. I was tired, but my mind was too alert to
allow me to sleep. I found myself holding the cell phone in my bandaged
hand. Staring at it with my thumb hovering over the button to turn it
on. It wouldn't hurt to turn it on and listen to any messages. I wouldn't
have to talk to Johnathan or anyone. And besides, Alex might try to call. I
smiled as I thought of him, a sad longing smile. I had to keep busy to pass
the time before he returned. Flicking the growing tower of ash off of my
cigarette into the glass I turned the phone on and watched the small screen
come to life. There were four voice messages. One was from a number I
didn't recognise, while another two were from my home number and the fourth
was from Jamie's cell phone. I

  took a long drag on my cigarette as I prepared myself to listen to the
oldest ones first, the two that came from my home number over an hour
ago. The first was from Johnathan, and he sounded worried.

`Ring me back Logan, I need to know that you are safe. Alex Riccarton isn't
who you think he is. He's dangerous Logan...' There was pause and I
couldn't work out if he was holding his hand over the phone for a moment to
speak to someone else or whether he was just trying to think of the right
words to say. `You need to ring me back as soon as possible.'

The message was shorter then I'd expected and immediately I played the
next, expecting it to be Johnathan as well. But it was Angela, and my heart
sunk low in my chest as I listened to her voice. She sounded so upset, I
could tell she had been crying, or even still was.

`Logan, I'm so worried about you. Please ring me, let me know you are safe,
nothing else matters, only that you are safe. You know how much we care
about you, I don't want you to get hurt...and...Alex, we know Alex
Logan. You're not safe with him. Please ring me, we can help you...' The
message ended suddenly and I was left feeling certain that it was because
she was crying.

`I am safe with Alex.' I said, speaking down at the phone. I couldn't
imagine what Johnathan had meant by saying Alex was dangerous. I couldn't
even picture Alex doing anything to be described as that. Alex was a lot of
things, but I knew he wouldn't hurt me. Why did my family think so
differently? But it did worry me to hear Angela so upset. I needed to
listen to another message or I knew I wouldn't be able to stop myself from
ringing her and making sure she was okay. The next oldest was from half an
hour ago, it was Jamie.

`Logan? I'm not even sure if this is your phone, but I need to talk to
you. Mum's crying, and I don't even know where dad is. I don't understand
what's going on, they won't tell me anything. Ring me.'

I closed my eyes as I heard how upset he sounded. I'd always looked after
Jamie; I'd taught him everything from how to tie his shoe laces to how to
ride his first bike. We usually told each other everything and I was always
there for him with whatever problem he had. But right now he needed me and
I wasn't there. And that hurt.

I snubbed the cigarette out on the side of the glass while dialling Jamie's
number. I needed to talk to him; I needed to make sure he was
okay. Lighting another cigarette I moved off the bed, waiting for him to
pick up his phone.

`Logan?' Jamie finally answered.

`Yeah it's me, are you okay?' I paced over to the bedroom windows, opening
one of them to let fresh air in. I suddenly couldn't keep still.

`No!' Jamie cried. `Where are you?'

`I'm at a motel in the city. What's going on there?'

`I don't know!' He sounded desperate, upset. `I'm in my room. Dad's gone
out to try and find you.' I could hear him breathing heavily. `They said
you were in trouble. Mum's crying downstairs. Dad wouldn't tell me anything
so I asked Mum...'

I felt so helpless hearing him like this and not being there to
help. `Maybe I could meet you somewhere; can you get out of the house?'

`It's after nine.' I heard him take a few deep breaths, thinking. `Where
could I say I was going?'

If I wasn't so concerned about Jamie I would have smiled. There was a trust
between us; I didn't even need to mention anything about keeping this call
or my whereabouts quiet. He just knew. `I'm not sure, why don't you say
that you're taking Tig for a walk?' Tig, or Tiger, was our dog, a huge
purebred husky. As a small child Jamie had named him Tiger because, at the
time, that was what he'd thought Tig was.

Frustrated Jamie replied bluntly. `Taking Tig for a walk? Are you drunk?
It's after nine!'

I couldn't help it; my eyes darted to the money lying on the luggage
holder. I hadn't even thought of spending it. I hadn't even thought about
alcohol. Until now. `No, I'm just tired. I haven't slept a lot.'

`Is Alex there?'

I cringed at the blunt way Jamie said Alex's name. Someone had to have told
him something about Alex, something bad. `No, I'm alone. What do you know
about Alex?' I flicked ash out of the window, staring across into the
darkened glass windows of the office building next door.

`Mum told me some things.' He said more quietly. `She told me that Alex
hurts people, he hurt dad and now he's trying to hurt you.'

`No, she's got it wrong, Alex wouldn't hurt anyone. He's been so good to
me, he definitely wouldn't hurt me. Why would she say something like that?'

`She's not lying.' Jamie replied. `You just don't know Alex and mum and dad
do.'

`I do know Alex!' I took a deep breath as I threw my near finished
cigarette out the window and turned away from it. I couldn't get angry at
Jamie, he was only regurgitating information, he didn't have any idea how
much it hurt me to hear him say such things about someone I cared so much
about. `They are both wrong about Alex, they haven't even seen him for
years, they don't know who he is now but I do. He wouldn't hurt me, you
would see that if you met him, he's nothing like what they say.'

`You need to talk to mum.' Jamie said quietly.

`I don't feel like talking to anyone.' I paced over to the luggage holder
and stared down at the money resting on it.

`I'll find a way to get out of the house, the buses stop running at ten
though so I don't know how I'll get back home again...' He trailed
off. `Are you anywhere near the Bela Theatre?'

`Yeah.'

`I'll met you there soon, but promise me something first.'

`What?'

`Don't tell Alex where you are going, I know you don't believe that he's
dangerous, but, I just don't want anything to happen to you.'

I could hear the concern in his voice. `Nothing will happen to me, not with
Alex.'

I could hear Jamie sighing loudly on the other end of the phone. `You just
don't get it. Mum's really upset, and dad, I haven't seen him like that
before. They wouldn't be like this unless it was something serious, so
serious they won't even tell me what it is. I'm scared Logan, because they
are scared. They say Alex is dangerous and I believe them. You should too,
or at least be cautious.'

I closed my eyes, picturing Alex. I knew him, perhaps not as well as I
liked but well enough to know that he wasn't dangerous.

`Don't give me silence, it makes me nervous. How long are you going to be
alone for?'

`I'm not sure. Alex went to meet a friend, or talk to someone, both I
think...' Jamie's anxiousness was passing off onto me. I opened my eyes and
picked up the money. Could Alex really be dangerous? I'd already seen his
mood change quicker then lightning, although I hadn't seen him be violent
or anything. But then I had only physically been with him for less then
twenty-four hours. I closed my eyes once more. I knew Alex, I did. He cared
about me just as much as I cared about him. There was still much for me to
learn about him but he couldn't possibly be as dangerous as Jamie was
trying to make me think. But I had more questions then answers. Where
exactly had Alex gone? He hadn't been specific, only said that he had gone
to talk someone into being a witness at a trial. Was that what all the
money in his wallet was for? Or, was that what the gun in his pocket was
for? I shook my head, pocketing the money in my jeans. I couldn't think
those things about Alex, about the man tha

 t seemed to know me and care about me so much. The man who made me feel
things I'd never felt before.

`I'll meet you outside the Bela Theatre in twenty minutes okay? Logan?'

`Yeah.' I hanged up the phone and stared at it. I couldn't even swallow. I
felt so many things all at once. Anger at my family, including Jamie, for
thinking so badly about Alex, anger at myself for letting those horrible
thoughts enter my own mind as well, which led to the confusion and pain I
also felt at not having Alex with me right now to reassure and calm me. I
pictured him, thinking of the way I felt when he held me in his arms. Alex
meant so much to me already, and he could never do anything to hurt me, he
cared for me, I knew that.

I just had to keep reminding myself of that...