Date: Mon, 13 Jul 2015 12:17:40 -0400
From: keybedder@aol.com
Subject: Full Circle: Steelman Tales

FULL CIRCLE, PART THREE by K. Nitsua. Copyright 2015 by the author.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: <i>This is the final chapter of this story, and of the
entire Steelman cycle. It's hard to believe it's done, and even harder to
believe it's taken me more than fifteen years. I've aged along with the
characters, and lost friends just as they have. I never thought I could
work same-sex marriage into the story as a realistic plot device, but I've
been happily proved wrong. I'm not sure at the moment that I'll write any
more about anything, it's gotten so difficult, but whatever happens, I
thank you readers for your generous support and feedback along the
way. K.N.</i>

Kevin and Lucas sat on a stone bench in the small garden next to the
Steelman College chapel. Lucas brushed a tear away with one hand.

"That was the last time we talked. Will never regained consciousness. He
died a few days later."

"Oh, Luke," Kevin said, his voice hoarse with emotion. "I'm so sorry."

Lucas paused to collect himself. "We had a small memorial service in
California. No one from Will's family came, even though I made sure an obit
was placed in his hometown paper in Texas. I wrote his ex-wife. Will had
her contact info, I guess to talk about the kids.

"It's so sad that he never got to see them again."

Lucas gave a short, bitter laugh. "Isn't it, though? I did communicate with
Jenny eventually--through lawyers. Will was careful to leave me what
remained of his estate, which turned out to be a lot-he'd been very
successful for quite a few years. You can guess the rest. She contested the
will, saying that I seduced him, that our marriage was a sham, blah blah
blah. She really had no chance since we got married in California and it
was legal there. Even so I settled on the advice of my lawyer so it
wouldn't drag on and on. Will's children did deserve something."

"Jesus, I had no idea. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you."

Lucas shook his head. "That's sweet, but it's not like you haven't had your
own stuff to deal with."

Kevin sighed. "No argument there."

"It must have been terrible." Lucas' eyes were somber.

"Believe it or not, it could've been worse." Kevin smiled in spite of
himself at the memory. "Lots of people with Alzheimer's become depressed or
violent. Fly into rages or try and kill themselves. Who can blame them,
really?

"I was lucky, in a way. Jon had his moments, but not many. Mostly he
was-well, gracious. Even after he had forgotten who everyone was-including
me-he was sweet. Almost like a pet that knows somehow that you're trying to
help them."

His eyes filled, but by now Kevin hardly noticed. He kept talking,
remembering.

"Alzheimer's patients can linger for years, until they're completely
incapacitated. I'll always be glad Jon was spared that. He was getting
worse, no doubt about it. After a while he had to be in a wheelchair. He
really couldn't talk to anyone anymore. He was having trouble eating.

"One day he began to cough and run a temperature. At first we thought it
was just a cold, but it was pneumonia, probably from a bit of food he'd
inhaled. They treated him, but he didn't respond-just got sicker and
sicker. I was there as much as I could but he slept most of the time, and
when he was awake he didn't seem to know anyone. Early one morning I got a
call. Jon had died in his sleep during the night. Very peacefully, they
said."

Once again Lucas put his arms around his friend, trying somehow to assuage
his grief. He stroked Kevin's hair gently. In response, Kevin took Lucas'
face in his hands. Lucas felt lips on his, at first gentle, then
increasingly passionate.

Suddenly a powerful feeling that this was wrong swept over him, taking him
by surprise. He pulled away from Kevin's embrace and rose quickly from the
bench, turning his back.

"What's the matter?" Kevin asked behind him. His tone was puzzled and a
little hurt.

Lucas turned. His smile was pained. "Sorry. Nothing. I-can't explain
everything right now. Shall we head on home?"

He left the garden, Kevin following slowly behind.

<i>It was a simple service at the local funeral home. The director was a
model of solicitude from the moment he met Kevin and saw the gold ring on
his finger. The chaplain from Steelman presided. The attendees were made up
of the friends they had made as a couple and members of the Steelman
community: Marcia, faculty, staff, and a few students and alumni.

Kevin hadn't expected any of either his or Jon's families to attend. He had
dreaded the thought of speaking at the funeral, but somehow his feet got
him to the podium and in front of the mourners. He stammered, and once or
twice his voice wavered, but he managed not to break down. He felt absurdly
proud of himself-Jon would have complimented him.

As he finished his eulogy Kevin caught sight of someone he did not
immediately place sitting in the back row. It was a woman, gray-haired,
dressed in decorously dark but nevertheless stylish clothing. It was her
eyes that caused a shiver of recognition to run through him. They were dark
brown, with a peculiar intensity.

At the moment the service ended Kevin rose from his place in the front row
of the assembly and moved swiftly down the aisle, toward the entrance. As
he thought, the woman was already out the door-she was intending to leave
without speaking.

He caught up to her on the sidewalk and at the last moment, touched her arm
gently instead of grabbing it. "Hello... please. Could I at least thank you
for coming?

She wheeled and met his eyes. For a moment Kevin thought she was going to
slap his hand away and make a run for it. Instead her shoulders sagged and
she sighed. "I should never have come. I knew I wouldn't just be able to
slip in and out."

"For Pete's sake, you're welcome at your own brother's funeral. That's who
you are, right? Jon's sister?"

"Yes. I don't suppose he ever told you my name."

Kevin scratched his head, embarrassed. "Truth is he did once, but I've
forgotten. A lot has happened in the last few years. Not that that's an
excuse."

"I'm Rebecca. Rebecca Evans Johnson."

Kevin said eagerly, "Please, won't you stay for a little bit? I have to see
other people right now, but I'd really like to talk to you. Please."

A hint of a smile played around her lips. "Don't see why. But okay."

Later they sat in the living room of Kevin's and Jon's house, cups of
hastily made tea in front of them.

"This is a nice place. Jon must have had a good life."

"I like to think he did," Kevin said, choosing his words carefully. "He
achieved a lot. He was a fine teacher. His students respected him. Some
have gone on to great careers. He was my professor, you know. That's how I
met him."

He stopped, overwhelmed by the day and the effort of describing Jon in a
few words. Rebecca voiced his unspoken thoughts.

"You don't have to tell me everything right now. I know Jon must have been
a great man. I always looked up to him when we were little. He was quite a
bit older than me. My big brother." She smiled at the memory.

"I'm glad you came today, but-" Kevin hesitated, but was determined to
ask. "Why didn't you come before this?"

She looked at him with eyes suddenly filled with pain. "How much did he
tell you about me? About his family?"

"Not much. I know that your parents disowned him when he told them he was
gay."

There was silence, then Rebecca sighed. "That's a bit harsh, but not far
from the truth. Our parents were very conservative, very religious. The old
story. They told Jon that he was a sinner and bound for hell. He had to
repent and convert, or cut himself off from the family."

Kevin snorted. "Convert? As if anyone could."

"Jon was so brave. I was upstairs the night it happened. He was home on
vacation from college. I had been sent to bed, but I could hear their
voices, arguing. Finally I heard him say, "If that's the way you feel, then
this is the last time you'll see me.' I should have run downstairs then,
begged him not to leave. But I was young-just nine years old. I couldn't
believe he would walk out the door and never come back.

"I did see him once after that. I had just gotten out of school one day and
saw him in his car, waiting near the entrance. He got out and came toward
me. "Becca," he said. But it was too late. Our parents told me that my
brother had been taken by the devil, and been banished. I was not to see
him or talk to him or the devil would get me too. I believed them. When I
saw him I began to run, hard. He chased me, but then he gave up. I looked
back once. He was standing there, panting, this awful, sad look on his
face. I'll never forget it."

Her eyes were pleading. "Try to understand. I was young and living at home,
totally dependent on my parents. I couldn't break away then, or for a long
time.

"They did let me go to college. It was a Bible school of course. They
thought I'd stay out of trouble and meet some nice man as God-fearing as
they were. Even so it opened my mind. I met some people there, they were
conservative, yes, but not like my parents. Eventually I began to see how
wrong my mother and father had been to send Jon away."

"So why didn't you try and reconnect with him then?"

Rebecca shook her head. "I don't know. I didn't really know where he had
gone, or whether he'd even want to see me.

"By then I was living out of state. I got a computer, learned about the
internet. I looked online, found him in articles about Steelman. He seemed
happy. I didn't want to bring back painful memories for him."

Kevin stared at her. "It pained him terribly that he had lost you. He
hardly ever spoke about you, and when he did I could tell how difficult it
was for him." He sighed. "Still, he never tried to contact you either, did
he. It's not like he couldn't have tried."

Rebecca's eyes glistened. "I heard that he had retired, and that the reason
was-he was failing. I wanted so much to come see him, but I was
afraid. Afraid he wouldn't recognize me, or that he would... and lash out
at me for abandoning him. Cutting him off like our parents did."

Kevin's voice was hard. "You know, don't you, that I took care of him,
mostly by myself? Here at home as long as I could, then when it became too
much to handle, I put him in assisted living. Went to see him, took him out
to eat, brought him back home every week, even after he forgot that it was
home. Till death do us part. We got married, did you know that? We were
very happy. Except for that. He never got over how his family abandoned
him, Rebecca. Including you."

She began to cry, quietly. "I don't blame you for being angry. I waited too
long and now I'll never get the chance to tell him how sorry I am."

Even as Kevin gazed at her, impassive, he wondered why he could feel no
pity or empathy for Jon's sister. "You'll have to live with that."</i>

As they approached his house Kevin saw a familiar old pickup truck parked
on the street, just in front of the driveway. His heart leaped, then
sank. He hadn't planned on having this meeting quite so soon, but it was
too late now.

He pulled into his driveway. Ryan was sitting on the front steps. He rose
to his feet as Kevin and Lucas got out of the car.

"Oh, hey," he said as they approached. "Just stopped by to see if you were
here. Guess this isn't a good time."

Feeling awkward, Kevin made introductions. "Luke, this is, uh, Ryan. He's
been cleaning my pool."

Ryan smiled, but added nothing, to Kevin's relief. "Welcome to Texas. Or
welcome back to Texas." He turned to Kevin. "I'll call you."

"Nice guy," Lucas said as they watched him drive off. "Cute, too."

Kevin didn't answer as he unlocked the front door and carried Lucas' bag
into the house.

"Have you ever stayed here? There's a separate wing on this side-almost a
complete apartment. Has its own bath and everything."

"So I'm a guest." Something in Lucas' voice made Kevin turn.

"Yes. What else did you have in mind?" When Lucas didn't respond his eyes
narrowed. "Luke, what's bugging you? Back at school just now I sure got the
feeling you didn't want anything else."

"Well-" Lucas paused, frustrated. If he couldn't even figure out how he was
feeling how could he explain it to Kevin?

Kevin shrugged. "Still the same after all these years, isn't it? Luke, this
time he's not coming back."

Anger suddenly rose in him. "I guess you're over Jon, judging from the
studly college boy you've taken up with."

Kevin's brows rose. "Yes. I'm sleeping with Ryan. Is that a problem?"

"My god, Kevin. How long has it been since Jon passed? A year and a half?"

Kevin's eyes flashed. "So I'm not observing the proper mourning period? You
know, maybe Will was right. You have gotten stiff and judgmental."

"Don't you talk about him!"

Kevin drew back, shocked at the fury in Lucas' voice. He raised his
hands. "Okay, okay, that was out of line. I'm sorry. Let's just chill a
little, relax, change the subject, okay? I'll get us something to
drink. What do you say?"

Lucas was still shaking, amazed as he had been so often in his life at the
emotions that had erupted seemingly from nowhere.

"I'm sorry," he said. He willed himself to calm down.

Kevin stared at him a moment longer, then turned toward the kitchen. After
a moment, Lucas followed.

They sat stiffly, nursing the glasses of wine Kevin had poured. Finally
Kevin said, "So you have any other plans while you're here? Look up any
other Steelman alums?"

Lucas shrugged. "Hadn't thought about it. I haven't really kept up with
many people other than you and Will. Truth is, I was kind of a hermit at
Steelman." He stared into space, then shifted. "Actually, there is someone
I'd like to see. Joe, Will's swimming coach. Is he still around?"

"Wojchowski? Retired, years ago. Don't know if he's still around these
parts, but I can check." Kevin rose, eager to break the tension between
them. "Let me search the Steelman directory. There's one that's
password-protected. They started letting me have access when Jon became too
sick and I had to take over power of attorney, and as far as I know I still
have it."

They sat in Kevin's office, in front of his computer.

"There he is. Still lives in town, apparently. Want to give him a call?"

Lucas hesitated, then nodded. He took out his cell phone.

"You sure he can give you a ride home? It's no trouble for me to come pick
you up," Kevin said, as they stopped in front of a modest house a few miles
away.

"No, I'll be okay. Thanks." The shadow that had fallen between them was
still there. "If anything changes I'll give you a call." Lucas stepped from
the car and watched Kevin drive away, relieved and ashamed.

He heard activity behind the door as soon as he rang the bell. It swiftly
swung open and Joe Wojchowski was there, opening the screen door.

"My god, it's really you."

In the front hallway he turned to face Lucas. Joe's eyes were shining as he
took hold of his arms. He enfolded Lucas in a massive embrace.

"I'm so glad to see you," Joe said, his voice muffled against Lucas'
shoulder.

"Likewise," Lucas replied, touched by Joe's obvious joy at their reunion.

The coach released him and turned, taking him by the hand. "Please. Can I
get you something?"

They sat in Joe's small, cluttered living room, the coach holding a bottle
of beer, Lucas a glass of water.

"Don't say it," Joe told him. "I got fat."

Lucas smiled, shaking his head. "We've all lost our figures."

Joe snorted. "Excuse me? Not you. I blew out a knee a few years ago,
couldn't exercise for months. That kind of did me in, even though the leg's
okay now."

"You look fine to me, Joe." Actually it was true. The coach's body had
thickened, but his grizzled hair and piercing eyes were the same. Lucas
felt the power of Joe's charm. Thoughts of their first meeting rose
unbidden to his mind and caused him to shift in his chair.

"You're sweet to say that, and to call. Where are you staying, did you
say?"

"With an old friend from Steelman." He didn't want to talk about
Kevin. Still, Joe must have heard something in his voice, because he raised
his eyebrows.

"I see. Everything cool?"

"Yes, everything's fine." Lucas said, with a firmness he didn't feel
inside. "You said something about dinner?"

"I actually knew about Will," Joe said some time later in the
restaurant. "There was an obit in the Steelman alumni mag. Didn't have any
idea that you guys were married, though. It didn't mention that."

Lucas grimaced. "Not surprised. I had nothing to do with sending that thing
in."

Joe said, "You were good to take care of him."

Lucas shrugged. "I couldn't save him."

"Maybe no one could."

"What have you been up to?" Lucas asked, eager to change the subject. "You
said you retired?"

The coach nodded. "The semester I busted up my knee. Was going to anyway at
the end of that year, but that forced me out early." He shrugged. "It's
okay, I guess. Kind of miss it, though. Got me out of the house."

"No one in your life?"

Joe shook his head. "Couldn't you tell? My place is a wreck. No one to
clean it up for. Why, you offering?"

Lucas blushed, once again acutely aware of Joe's piercing gaze, tempered by
his smile. "Would you believe me if I said I was still in mourning?"

Joe's smile was rueful. "Actually, I would." He signaled their server for
the check. "I could take you back now, or... Do you want to come back for a
little while?"

Lucas saw the hesitant look in Joe's eyes. He paused, remembering another
dinner long ago.

"I forgot. Your friend's waiting."

That decided him. "I'm sure Kevin's made his own plans. I'd love to spend a
little more time with you, catch up on old times. Or make up for lost
time." A slow smile spread across Joe's face, and Lucas' breath quickened.

In the dark entryway of Joe's house the coach turned to him as soon as the
door closed behind him. Lucas felt rough hands on his neck. Joe's warm,
alcohol-scented breath bathed his face as the coach kissed him long and
tenderly.

"You're sure you want to do this?"

Lucas squeezed his friend's swelling crotch. "Hell, yeah."

"I was hoping you would," Joe whispered. He dropped to his knees, fumbling
with Lucas' belt. Moments later Lucas felt the moist heat of Joe's mouth
surround his rapidly hardening cock. He closed his eyes with a sigh as his
hands caressed Joe's head.

The coach's bedroom was tiny and dark, almost completely filled by the king
bed. As soon as they were both naked Joe pushed Lucas onto his back on the
clean, snowy white sheets and duvet and clambered after him, taking his
cock back into his mouth, sucking eagerly as his clutching fingers found
Lucas' nipples. Lucas moaned with delight at the multiple sensations.

"You haven't lost your touch," he told Joe, who released him and looked up,
grinning, his eyes glinting in the dim light thrown by the single lamp by
the bed.

"Just as nice as I remember."

"Going to fuck me like the last time?"

Joe's smile faded. "Haven't done that in years. Another casualty of my
stupid body. I'm total bottom now." He took Lucas' organ in his hand. "Can
you-I mean, top me?"

Lucas looked at Joe's hopeful face, and nodded. "Sure." He was excited at
the thought. "On your back then, boy."

Joe's teeth flashed white as he obeyed. "Yes, sir! How's this?" He grabbed
both his ankles, legs high in the air. Lucas' cock rose at the sight of the
hairy cleft between his cheeks.

"Nice."

"I have lube on the dresser. Condoms too, but..."

In response to Lucas' inquiring look Joe said, "I'd love to take your
load. I know you're okay."

Momentarily Lucas paused, feeling a guilty pang, but a surge of lust
overcame his scruples. A few moments later he was pushing slick fingers
into Joe's asshole, then applying the stuff to his organ, harder than he
remembered it being in a long time. He closed his eyes, drawing in his
breath as the head of his cock was surrounded by the smooth, squeezing heat
of Joe's insides.

"Oh, man," Joe sighed. "I never thought I'd feel like this again."

Lucas smiled down at him. "I'm feeling pretty good myself." He leaned down
to touch Joe's lips with his own as he started to thrust into him, slowly
and gently, wanting it to last as long as possible.

"Fuck me, Luke," Joe whispered, his eyes shining in the dim light.

Lucas didn't answer, intent on controlling the pace so as not to have it
end too soon. He held back as long as he could, but it still seemed way too
short a time before his body arched upward, shuddering cries racking him as
he shot his load into Joe's ass.

"Oh baby," Joe crooned. "That's right, give it to me. Every drop."

His hands caressed Lucas' head as they shared a long, lingering
kiss. Reluctantly Lucas let himself slip out of Joe's body. He flopped onto
his back on the bed, expelling his breath in a long sigh as he felt all
tension drain away at last.

"You all right?" Joe asked, finally breaking the silence.

Lucas smiled. "I needed that. Thanks."

Joe regarded him thoughtfully. "I think you did." He paused, then said, "So
tell me more about Kevin."

The question took Lucas by surprise. "Why?"

The coach shrugged. "Lucas, you didn't come back to town to see me."

"He called me. Out of the blue. We knew each other when we were both at
Steelman. He-" Lucas hesitated. "He was-- is a good friend. He helped me
when I was really having a rough time because of Will. I owe him."

"But you don't love him?"

Lucas met Joe's eyes. "I don't know."

"And you're not going to let yourself find out, are you?"

"What?" Lucas stared, taken by surprise. He expected Joe to backtrack or to
apologize. Instead the older man looked back, his gaze calm.

"He hurt you again, didn't he?"

"Who?"

"Will. I can tell. Even now you can't talk about him."

"What the hell do you know about it?" Anger rose in him. Lucas jumped off
the bed and began to hunt for his clothes.

"Hey, hey, hold on," Joe said, reaching out an arm toward him. "Where are
you going?"

"Back to Kevin's. Where the hell are my shoes?"

"Lucas, it's miles away. Let me drive you back at least."

He couldn't stop himself. "You want to know what Will did to me? Hustled
tricks out of our apartment. A whore with AIDS, that's what he ended up
being."

"Are you kidding?" Joe asked, stunned.

"Would I fucking make this up? A user, that's all he was. Used me, then
died and fucking left me." He stopped searching, blinded by the tears that
had begun to fall.

Joe was climbing off the bed. "Oh, Luke-"

Lucas slapped his arms away. "I hate him! I hate him for what he was. I
hate him for leaving. I hate him..." He sank to his knees, weeping.

The coach embraced him again. This time Lucas didn't resist. Joe held him,
rocking him until he began to calm down.

"Stay here tonight. On the couch, if you want."

In response to Lucas' surprised look he smiled. "I'm actually not very good
company in bed. Too many years by myself. You need a good night's rest."

Lucas nodded. "Okay. Thanks."

"Lucas?" Joe's eyes were somber. "Whatever he did, Will's gone, and he's
not coming back."

He had erupted in fury when Kevin had said much the same thing to him
earlier that day. Now all Lucas felt was sadness. He leaned back against
Joe's broad chest and closed his eyes.

"You ought to call Kevin. He's probably worried about you."

Lucas snorted. "Not likely. I'm betting he's banging the pool boy."

"What?" Joe exclaimed. "Just what have you got yourself into?"

He rolled his eyes. "How long do we have?"

The coach chuckled. "As long as it takes. You can use my spare toothbrush
in the bathroom, by the way."

Actually at that moment Kevin was at dinner himself.

After dropping Lucas off at Joe's house, he had been driving back, his
thoughts in turmoil, when his cell phone had rung. Since he wasn't in a
hurry he pulled over and answered it.

"Drew and I were really glad to see you today," Glenn Reynolds' voice
said. "We just got to talking, and thought-can you and Lucas join us for
dinner tonight? I know it's kind of sudden."

"Well," Kevin said. "Lucas can't make it tonight."

"Oh, well then-" Glenn hesitated, and Kevin spoke on impulse.

"But I'd love to. Let's do it. It's been ages."

"Sorry your friend couldn't make it," Drew said that evening. "We were
looking forward to getting better acquainted."

The three of them were lingering after their meal at Chambord, a quiet,
upscale restaurant that Kevin and Jon had visited often as a couple.

Kevin took a sip from his wine glass and shrugged. "Turns out Lucas knows
other people here from his Steelman days."

"So you two were friends in college?"

"Yeah." Kevin paused, then on an impulse added, "A little more, actually."

Glenn raised his eyebrows. "Oh. Boyfriends then?"

"Well-" Kevin said. "We hooked up. Once."

He described the night they had met, long ago. Drew whistled. "Sounds
intense."

"It was. I'm still convinced Lucas was at least toying with the idea of
jumping off that rooftop. He certainly was pretty freaked out about Will. I
wonder now if I took advantage of that."

"Well," Drew observed, his voice dry, "You've certainly shown commendable
restraint ever since."

Kevin snorted. "Right now I'm not exactly dealing from strength. After we
met you guys I took Luke home and we ran into a guy who, well, who I'm kind
of seeing now. Got awkward as you might imagine."

"Oh," Glenn said. "So you've resumed your social life."

"Yes." Somehow the observation didn't sting as much as it had coming from
Lucas.

"Well, I for one am glad. You deserve some happiness after what you went
through with Jon."

"I don't understand," Drew said. "So you asked Lucas to come back, but you
already have someone?"

 Kevin fidgeted, scratching his head. "The thing is-Ryan isn't exactly
husband material."

He filled them in on that part of the tale. When he finished his friends
sat silent. Then Glenn chuckled.

"Kevin, you amaze me."

He bridled. "Jon and I got together when I was Ryan's age and he was a lot
older. We lasted for thirty-two years. I'd say we did okay."

Glenn reached across the table and took Kevin's hand. "I'm not criticizing
you in the least. I admire you."

Drew said, "You went for it. Why not?"

Kevin shook his head. "I like having this hot-and sweet-young thing in my
life. I'm not sure I want to give that up and be just a dull old queen."

Glenn laughed. "Kevin, you'll never be dull."

"Who says old has to be dull, anyway?" This from Drew. He turned to his
partner. "Should we tell him?"

Glenn shrugged. "Sure. I imagine Kevin's guessed in any case."

"Guessed what?"

Drew said, "You've met our friend Anton, from up north? He's been here to
visit a few times."

"I've seen him around for sure. Nice-looking guy."

"We think so too. Anyway, he's a bit more than just a friend. Has been for
a long time."

Drew and Glenn caught each other's eye and grinned, both a bit sheepish.

"Aha." Now it was Kevin's turn to raise an eyebrow. "I can't say I'm
totally surprised. So what are you saying? I should make up with Lucas and
suggest that we keep Ryan around as the resident boy toy?"

Glenn said, gently but firmly, "Anton's more than just a plaything. We care
about him deeply. I suspect you feel something for Ryan too, otherwise you
wouldn't be so conflicted about it all."

Kevin said nothing.

"We're living in an exciting time," Drew said. "Who'd have thought we'd all
be able to get married now? That doesn't mean we have to fall into the same
old straitjackets. Seems like you just need to talk to both of them."

He shook a finger at Kevin. "Just be careful with that student. In my early
years here I got tangled up with a couple of boys at Steelman. Got
ugly. Could have finished my career, if it hadn't been for Glenn here." He
took his partner's arm affectionately.

Glenn rolled his eyes. "He was the campus heartbreaker."

"I can totally see it. Bet he still is."

"Aw, stop," Drew protested, though he was smiling. "Hope it works out with
your guy. Or guys."

Kevin's smile faded. "I know what it looks like, but I haven't forgotten
Jon."

"We know," Glenn replied. "Neither have we." He raised his wine
glass. "Here's to memories that never fade."

Kevin joined the toast. At the moment, though, he couldn't decide exactly
how he felt about remembering the past so vividly.

When he came home the battered pickup truck was back in his driveway. Kevin
parked next to it and walked over to the driver's side. Ryan was slumped in
the seat, his eyes closed.

Kevin reached in and shook his shoulder. The boy started awake.

"Oh, hey," he said.

"How long have you been here?"

Ryan yawned and shrugged. "Don't know exactly. I think it was still light
when I got here."

"Why didn't you call me? I could have told you when I was coming back."

"I did call you. You didn't answer. Where's... Lucas? That's his name,
right?"

Kevin grimaced. "Not sure. He went to see a friend."

"Ohh," Ryan drawled. "Say, if I messed things up I'm sorry."

"You don't sound very sorry."

Ryan grinned. "I'm not, actually. Going to invite me in?"

Inside the house, before Kevin had a chance to turn on any lights, the
boy's hands were on his chest, his lips pressed to Kevin's.

"Nice shirt," Ryan said, unbuttoning it.

Kevin backed away and held up his hands. "Wait. We've got to talk."

His friend was not to be denied. "Sure we'll talk. Later." Skilled fingers
quickly unbuckled his belt and pants dropped to the floor. Kevin gasped as
Ryan's fingers found his nipples.

"Hot undies," he observed, pushing the briefs down Kevin's thighs and
exposing his cock, already semi-hard.

Kevin made a last attempt. "Listen. Lucas and I, we're getting married."

Ryan had dropped to one knee on the living room carpet. He looked up and
shrugged. "That's cool. Does he know?"

"About you and me? I don't know. Yeah, probably. Oh!" Kevin gasped as
Ryan's mouth engulfed him and hot pleasure coursed through his body.

After a few moments Ryan stopped sucking him and looked up again, the
familiar crooked grin on his face. "What I mean is, does he know you guys
are getting married?"

Kevin stammered, "Well, no. Actually I haven't asked him yet."

Ryan licked two fingers in a strange, erotic gesture. "So at the moment
you're still a free man. Problem solved." He went back to his
ministrations. Suddenly Kevin cried out. Ryan had shoved his wetted fingers
into Kevin's asshole, while tightening his lips on his cock. A few more
strokes pushed Kevin over the edge. His body jackknifed forward, his eyes
squeezed shut as strangled cries emerged between his clenched teeth, his
cock pumping hot seed into Ryan's eager mouth.

His orgasm began to pass. Kevin's hands loosened their convulsive grip on
his partner's shoulders. He drew air in great gasps. Beneath him Ryan
quickly straightened up. Kevin just had time to open his eyes and see the
boy's smiling face before Ryan pressed his mouth to his, his lips parting
as he pushed Kevin's own load into his mouth, forcing him to swallow it.

Finally the boy released him. Kevin's head fell onto Ryan's shoulder. "Oh
god," was all he could say.

"We're not through," Ryan's voice said in his ear. "We're going to the
bedroom now and I'm going to fuck your brains out. And you know I can do
it."

"Still going to marry that guy?" he asked later, as they lay in Kevin's
bed.

Kevin reluctantly shifted his spent, naked body, feeling the slimy
stickiness of Ryan's recent ejaculation between his buttocks. "Well, I
can't marry you, can I?" he countered.

"Why not?"

"Oh, c'mon. I'm old enough to be your father."

Ryan frowned. "Don't be so fucking patronizing. I'm not a kid. I'm old
enough to care. Ever thought I might really care about you?"

"You're right, I'm sorry." Kevin stared at the ceiling. He turned to Ryan
and took his hand. "You've got to understand. Lucas and I go back a long
way, to when we were both your age. I think I've always loved him, but for
most of that time he's loved someone else. That someone is gone now. It's
our time."

"Does he think so?"

Kevin sighed. "That, I don't know."

"He's cute, I'll give you that." Ryan suddenly took his face in his hands,
looking intently into Kevin's eyes. "You're dumping me, aren't you?"

Kevin was silent.

"Say the word, I'm gone. I don't stay where I'm not wanted."

More silence, then Kevin nodded. Ryan smiled, without malice. He got out of
bed and began to dress.

"I'm not mad, Doc. I'm betting I'll be back." At the bedroom door he
turned. "Sorry about the mess. We always make a mess, don't we?"

Lucas didn't return to Kevin's house until the next afternoon. He and Joe
had stayed up much of the night talking, and gotten up very late the next
morning as a result. Not knowing what else to do he tagged along with Joe
on some errands, marveling as they drove through the streets how much the
town had grown and changed.

They were sitting at a late lunch at one of the many new restaurants
downtown. During a lull in the conversation Joe suddenly said, "You want to
go back, don't you?"

Lucas looked up. "Yeah, I do."

Joe smiled. "I figured. No problem, I'll drop you off."

In front of Kevin's house the driveway was now empty. Joe took Lucas' hand.

"It was wonderful to see you again."

Lucas leaned toward Joe and kissed him.

"Likewise."

"I hope it works out between you guys. You are going to invite me to the
wedding, aren't you?"

Lucas raised his eyebrows. "If you want to be there."

"I wouldn't miss it!" Joe patted his hand. "Take care, Lucas. Keep in
touch."

The house was empty-Kevin would be at work. Lucas settled down in the
living room with his laptop to write. He could work pretty much from
anywhere these days.

He became more absorbed in his work than he'd anticipated. By the time he
finished and looked up he was surprised to find that the light was fading
outside. Because of the late lunch he wasn't hungry, but he began to wonder
if Kevin would be coming home for dinner. So far there was no sign of
him. Lucas was aware that he could simply call or text him, but the
constraint that had sprung up between them after his outburst yesterday
still remained.

To pass the time he wandered through the house, looking at photographs of
Kevin and Jon, some of which dated back many years. He tried to imagine the
exacting but kindhearted professor from his Steelman days and the twentieth
class reunion immobile and unaware, unable to recognize even his longtime
companion and spouse.

For the first time Lucas thought he comprehended the desolation of Kevin's
last few years.

He went out to the backyard and stood on the concrete deck by the pool. By
now it was quite dark. When was the last time he had gone swimming
anywhere? In college he had been fanatic about doing his laps. That was how
he had met Will.

Suddenly he felt stifled-the evening air was actually temperate but to
Lucas it seemed unbearably hot, his clothes like a straitjacket. He began
to unbutton his shirt, and in a few seconds stood naked, his clothes piled
on a nearby chaise longue. He walked forward and slipped into the pool,
stroking toward the deep end.

The cool water felt wonderful against his unencumbered body. Lucas swam a
few laps, then took a breather, floating on his back, paddling lazily and
looking up at the few stars that were beginning to appear above.

The vision sprang into his memory so suddenly it caught him unawares.

<i>They were hanging on opposite sides of the float in the lake. A wicked
grin appeared on Will's face. "I bet you've got a hard-on, don't you? I bet
skinny-dipping's made you horny."

Lucas gasped as he felt a hand grasp his cock and begin to stroke it,
slowly and teasingly. "Wh-what are you doing?"

"Checking to see if I'm right," Will chuckled. "I see that I am."</i>

How long ago that day had been, and how much had happened since then. Yet
Lucas could see the entire scene before him as if it were yesterday. His
heart was so full of emotion he felt as if it would burst.

"Farewell, Will," he whispered to the air. One tear slipped out of his eye
and rolled down his cheek, warm on his cool skin.

"Lucas?"

He started violently upright, sending ripples across the pool. When he
looked up Kevin was standing at poolside above him, dressed in a suit.

"Oh god, you scared me."

"Sorry I'm so late. I should have tried calling you. I don't know why I
didn't." Kevin shifted his weight on his feet. "I haven't been a very good
host, have I?"

Lucas shrugged. "I haven't been a model guest." Suddenly he was very much
aware of his nudity, though he felt somewhat protected by the water and the
darkness. It wasn't enough, though. Kevin's eyebrows were rising.

"Lucas? Are you skinny dipping?"

His chin came up. "I didn't have a suit. That a problem?"

"No. Not at all." Kevin shrugged, smiling. "Looks kind of fun, actually."

The words came unbidden from his mouth. "Want to join me?"

A short bark of laughter from Kevin, then a pause. Then another shrug and
smile. "Why not."

He loosened his tie. Lucas stared at him intently as he continued to strip,
dropping his clothes on the same chair. Kevin bent to remove his shoes,
straightened up and stopped.

"Quit staring, Luke. You're embarrassing me."

"Just do it." Kevin's body had held up well, as slender and trim as he
remembered it. Lucas just had time to realize that he was now completely
naked before Kevin had slipped into the water near him, whooping and
gasping.

"Yikes it's cold!"

He splashed away, stroking choppily as if it had been a long time since his
last swim. Lucas watched him turn and begin swimming underwater back toward
him. He backed up until he was leaning against the edge. Kevin's head broke
the water a few feet away.

"This is great! I can't remember the last time I did this."

"Swimming or skinny dipping?" Lucas asked.

"Both." A faraway look appeared in Kevin's eye. "Jon and I took a little
swim here the first time we got together. He invited me over for dinner the
night I graduated."

"I looked at you guys' pictures. You had a good life."

"We did."

They fell silent, but for the first time in more than a day there was no
sense of strain between them. Lucas swam a few strokes to where Kevin stood
in the shallow water. He took his friend's face in his hands.

"Ever since I got here I've been pushing you away. I'm sorry. I won't do
that any more."

>From the shadows Kevin's gray eyes gazed steadily back at him. "I'm the
one who should be apologizing. I haven't exactly been sending clear signals
myself. So I'll be as clear as I can."

He covered Lucas' hands with his own. "Lucas Boatright, I love you."
Suddenly he turned away with a derisive snort. "Even though I slept with
someone else last night."

Still stunned by Kevin's declaration, Lucas' first reaction was to
laugh. "So did I."

Kevin gave him a knowing look. "I thought so. Are you going to keep seeing
Joe?"

"No. At least not that way. It was for old times' sake."

He had to ask. "What about you and Ryan?"

"He's not coming back."

They stood facing each other, silent. Finally Lucas said, "Maybe love
means... giving the one you love the space they need."

Kevin began to say something, but it caught in his throat. He tried
again. "Are you saying... you love me too?"

In answer Lucas drew him close and kissed him on the mouth. Their bodies
entwined in the water, hands finding hands, nipples, hardening
cocks. Finally they released each other.

"Yes," Lucas replied.

They climbed out of the pool, quickly dried themselves and went toward
Kevin's bedroom, abandoning their clothes outside. As he and Lucas padded
naked hand in hand through the dark and silent house, Kevin suddenly had a
flashback of he and Jon doing the same thing on graduation night, decades
ago. He shook off the memory. The present belonged to them.

"That first night we met in the dorm," Kevin said to him, as they embraced
on the bed.

"So long ago," Lucas said, between kisses.

"We were so careful. I made you use a rubber. I want to make up for that
now. Be really together."

"You sure?"

"Yes," Kevin said urgently. "Plant your seed in me. Breed me. Make me
yours."

"Fuck yes. Whatever you want."

Kevin cried out in joy and pain as his lover's cock surged into him.

Some time later they lay finished, their bodies moist and limp, their lips
bruised and sore. The bedroom smelled of their sweat and semen. Kevin felt
a deep ache in his loins from the force of his recent orgasm, reached just
as Lucas climaxed inside of him. It struck him as he watched his lover's
face squeeze into an ecstatic grimace that Ryan resembled Lucas.

"You know, Ryan thought you were hot," he said.

Lucas stirred, his eyes sleepy. "That's sweet. I think he's cute too."

Kevin said, "He and I are really through, though. I promise you that."

Lucas regarded him thoughtfully. "You did say one thing yesterday that
really got to me. I'm not judgmental. Being with Will, as terrible as some
of it was, taught me that." He turned his gaze toward the ceiling. "I'm not
going to be policing you, checking up on you. Especially not from
California."

"But you won't be. In California, I mean."

Lucas turned his head, staring. "What are you saying?"

Silence. Then Kevin said, haltingly, "I... I want you to marry me. Lucas,
will you?"

Lucas was silent for so long that Kevin began first to worry, then to
despair. Just as he started to say something, anything to break the tension
his lover broke into a broad grin.

"Yes, I will."

Kevin let out a whoop, and grabbed Lucas in a tight embrace, as if to
squeeze the breath out of him. Finally Lucas protested, laughing.

"Okay, okay."

They kissed again. Lucas took Kevin's left hand and stretched their arms
above their bodies. The gold wedding bands on their intertwined fingers
glinted in the dim light. He turned to Kevin.

"Jon and Will. They're still here with us. And always will be."

EPILOGUE

Some months later Kevin and Lucas were married in the Steelman College
chapel, legally now that same-sex marriage was the law throughout the
nation. The current Steelman chaplain, a young woman, presided.

It was not a large wedding. The two men stood by themselves at the altar
with the chaplain, watched by a few of their friends and associates. Marcia
Hannon, Jon's successor, was there, as were Glenn and Drew, representing
Steelman. A few other faculty members who had known Jon and Kevin as a
couple were there as well.

There were also a few who others in the group did not know, or did not know
the exact reason for their being present. The burly, grizzled former
swimming coach sitting near the front, beaming. A dark-haired, intense
young man sitting further back, who some recognized as a senior at
Steelman. Finally, one or two who had attended Jon Evans'funeral might
possibly have recalled the gray-haired, well-tailored woman who sat in the
back row. They might even have noticed her resemblance to Kevin's deceased
spouse, the former Steelman provost.

A few minutes before the ceremony was set to begin, Kevin waited alone in a
small annex to the chapel, formerly known as the "bride's room." He had
asked Lucas to step out for a few minutes.

There was a tentative knock on the door. Kevin opened it to find Rebecca,
Jon's sister, on the step outside. Her expression was expectant, nervous.

"Here I am. Thank you for inviting me today."

"Come on in." Kevin shifted from one foot to another, looking at the
floor. At last he raised his head and met her gaze.

"I-" He cleared his throat and began again. "I was an only child. My
parents never actually disowned me like Jon's, but after I came out, they
had less and less to say to me. They didn't come to my college
graduation. My father's dead. My mother's not here today."

"Kevin," Rebecca said. Kevin held his hand up.

"I don't know why I'm telling you this, except-I've been doing a lot of
thinking lately about--stuff.

"I was horrible to you after Jon's funeral. I'm sorry."

Rebecca's eyes filled with tears. "You had every right."

Kevin shook his head. "No matter what's happened in the past, you're Jon's
sister. You're family."

He turned and picked up a wooden box from a nearby table, small enough that
he could hold it in one hand.

"I scattered most of Jon's ashes. Around here, actually-in the garden just
outside. But I saved some in this box. I'd like you to have them."

When Lucas returned ten minutes later Kevin was alone in the annex, sitting
in an armchair, staring off into space. In response to the question in his
eyes, Kevin looked up.

"Well?"

Kevin nodded. "She took them."

Lucas walked over to the armchair, leaned down and kissed his
husband-to-be. "You are such a good person. I hope I'll be worthy of you."

Kevin shook his head, his eyes shining. "Funny. I was thinking the same
about you." He rose from the chair and offered Lucas his arm. "Well, my
love, shall we?"

Lucas grinned. "Let's do it."

Together the two men left the annex for the short walk to the chapel,
stepping into bright sunshine outside, walking toward their future.

END