Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2005 07:54:34 +0000
From: Matthew PazCastillo <matpazcas@hotmail.com>
Subject: Gentle Persuasions: Chapter One - Dilemma

Disclaimer:

This story involves sexual contact and male/male relationships. If this is
something that you find offensive, you have no business being here and need
to leave now. If you are under the age of 18 or not of legal age in your
area, GET OUT. If this content is illegal in your area LEAVE.

This story is property of the author and is not to be copied or posted
elsewhere without written permission of the author. All characters and plot
lines are fictional. Any resemblance is strictly coincidental and should be
noted as such.

Anyone else, have a good read. Feedback is always appreciated.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/DominicLuka/


CHAPTER ONE: Dilemma


"Shit," Adam swore softly.

He didn't know how much longer he could put up with this. Every time, every
single time he tried to touch Matt, the same thing happened - he pulled
away. Adam had tried to be patient, had tried to be understanding, but now
he just wasn't sure that anything he could do would make things better.
Anyone looking in from the outside would have thought that Adam was a leper
judging from the way that Matt reacted to him. He didn't know what to do
anymore. He certainly didn't want to force Matt into intimacy, but he also
didn't know how much longer this could last.

He knew that come tomorrow Matt would try to pretend as though nothing had
happened, just as he always did, but Adam wasn't too sure that letting him
get away with that was such a good idea anymore. He let out a slow breath
and rocked back on his heels as he recounted the night's events.

They had eaten a nice romantic dinner that he had spent all evening
preparing, and after dessert they had taken coffee in the living room. It
was there on the couch before the fireplace that Adam had attempted to
engage Matt in some gentle sex play, but Matt had been resistant.
Anticipating this, Adam had remained persistent until Matt had flown into a
full blown panic and jerked away as though he was being attacked.

Adam knew about Matt's past. He understood that Matt had sustained some
horrible trauma and knew that it would take time before he was comfortable
enough to trust another person with his body. Adam had been prepared to wait
for as long as it took, but now he was starting to wonder if Matt would ever
be ready. They had been dating for over a year and a half and they were
still where they were when they had first hooked up. Matt could stand to put
up with no more than a few kisses and mild gropes. Whenever Adam tried to
take it any farther, Matt would pull away. At first Adam had accepted this,
thinking to take the pace slowly and advance their intimacy in stages, but
this had proven exceptionally difficult when Matt had refused to allow their
relationship to go beyond a few platonic embraces.

This was driving Adam insane. He only had to look at Matt to become as hard
as a rock. He wanted him ALL the time; it felt like he was going out of his
mind. He had taken enough cold showers in the last week alone to last him
lifetime. He needed to get laid quick, and this time it wasn't going to go
away.

His only remaining course of action was to have sex. The only problem with
that plan was that the only person he wanted, it seemed, was the only person
he couldn't have. He knew the object of his desire lay only a few feet away
in the next room.

Deciding there was no time like the present to address the problem, he
turned and started making his way to the door. Gradually, he approached the
bedroom. When he reached the door, he opened it quietly and spotted Matt
lying on the bed, curled away with his back to the entrance. He approached
the bed slowly and sat down.

Matt felt the mattress dip under Adam's weight. He remained still with his
back turned. He was nervous and unsure. He knew he had overreacted just now
when Adam had tried to make a move, but he couldn't help it. He was trying
really hard, and, to Adam's credit, he had been really understanding and
supportive so far.

But even the most patient man had his limits. Matt was pretty sure that Adam
was about to reach his. He tried not to feel too sad, but failed miserably.
He knew this day would come, it always did and that was why he didn't date,
but he still couldn't stem the flow of overwhelming sadness that engulfed
him. He was in love with Adam, very deeply so, and he had hoped against hope
that their relationship would work. Now, it seemed, that was not to be. Matt
knew he was working himself into a panic - before Adam had even said
anything - but he couldn't help it. He felt a fist-sized knot of fear rising
in his belly and dreaded what was coming.

Adam, on the other hand, sat motionless at the edge of the bed for several
minutes trying to collect his thoughts. He knew that they couldn't go on as
they were: dancing around the issue and pretending as if they didn't have a
problem. Clearing his throat, he mentally steeled himself for what was to
come and said in a low voice, "Matt, we need to talk about this."

Fearing that his worst thoughts had come to life, Matt couldn't stop the
moisture that came to his eyes as he slowly rolled on to his back to face
his boyfriend. In a voice filled with sadness, he replied tightly, "Okay,"
and then proceeded to wait for the bad news.

It always happened this way. When guys first met him, they always assumed
that given a little time and unrelenting pursuit, he would eventually break
and they would get him into bed. After about three months, most men accepted
defeat and moved on, but not Adam. That was one of the reasons that what was
about to happen hurt so much. Whenever Matt had thought he would leave, Adam
had stayed on - solid and steady. He hadn't given up on him and in the
months that followed Matt had come to start believing that their
relationship might actually last and that they might have future.

Adam was very sexually aggressive. Given that he was over 6'4 and weighed
almost 300lbs he could have easily physically overpowered Matt at any time.
He was all muscle. Adam was built like a linebacker, whereas Matt was only
5'9 and weighed about a 150lbs less than him. It didn't scare Matt though,
because he knew that Adam was more likely to seduce than force. Instead of
being scared he was aroused. Despite this arousal, however, he was still
unable to respond when Adam touched him.

Looking Matt steadily in the eye, Adam said, "I know I said I wouldn't rush
you. I told you that if you weren't comfortable having sex that it was okay
and we could wait as long as you wanted - I still maintain that. But I'm a
little concerned with the fact that we've been dating for over a year and a
half and you still freak out every time I make like I'm going to touch you."
Adam stopped, took a deep breath and forged on. He knew what he had to say
next would be the most difficult, but he was tired of dancing around in
circles and knew he had to ask. "Every time I try, you barely even let me
kiss you. I've been trying to hold off and not pressure you, but now I'm
starting to wonder if you even want me."

There, he had said it. For some time now, Adam had been plagued by the
disturbing thought that Matt might not find him sexually attractive. For the
longest time he had assumed that it was because Matt had been hurt before
and that that was why he was uneasy about their physical intimacy. But as
time had passed and Matt had still refused, Adam had begun wondering if he
was wrong.

It wasn't that he was an unattractive guy. He had very dark brown hair and
very moody gray eyes. He had dated a lot of men and had no doubt of his own
appeal, he just wasn't sure if he was what Matt wanted or liked. From day
one in their relationship, Adam had been very frustrated. All he could think
about was getting Matt naked and panting beneath him, and yet it never
appeared as though Matt felt the same. He had thought of many excuses over
the nineteen months they had been dating to explain Matt's behavior. He felt
it was finally time to accept that Matt didn't want to be with him. He had
no doubt that Matt was interested in him romantically, he was sure that Matt
wanted to be his boyfriend. He just wasn't so sure that Matt wanted to sleep
with him.

They got along well together. They understood one another and shared an
amazing sense of humor. He knew that Matt liked him, he just wasn't sure if
Matt desired him, and from the looks of things it would seem that he didn't.
He was pretty sure Matt found him intellectually stimulating, but not
physically so, and he went through a great deal to ensure their bodily
distance.

Adam remembered an incident that had occurred about a month ago when he had
tried to initiate some love play in bed one night. Adam always slept naked
and when he had pressed his body up against Matt's and began to kiss his
neck, Matt had wrenched away as though Adam had set his back on fire. After
that Adam had started noticing certain things, like how Matt NEVER initiated
anything between them, and how Matt's body always stiffened when Adam came
close. Whenever Adam tried to initiate things Matt reacted as though all the
demons in hell were after him and ran as fast as he could.

All these things had led Adam to conclude that, a) he and Matt were not
going to have sex any time soon, and b) Matt did not enjoy his touch, either
because he was afraid, which Adam seriously doubted, or because he didn't
find Adam's attempts at seduction pleasurable.

Adam was sure it was the latter, and having now voiced this he sat in
painful anticipation waiting for Matt's reply. He had expected an immediate
denial and when he hadn't received one, he felt a sinking weight settle in
his chest. Adam interpreted his silence as accord. So it was true, Matt
didn't want him. Adam didn't know how to react to that. He felt stupid for
not realizing it sooner. No wonder Matt had always gone into a panic at the
thought of his advances. He was almost twice Matt's size, and Matt wasn't
turned on by him. It wouldn't take a genius to do the math.

Now sitting there on the bed, he desperately wanted the ground to open up
and swallow him. Shifting a little, he looked down at his hands. He was
surprised to feel his eyes stinging with tears. He never cried. This was
strange, what does one do after discovering that their boyfriend of nineteen
months wasn't sexually attracted to them?

Just as he was about to make some excuse and escape to the bathroom, Matt
said softly, "It's not that, Adam."

It was said with such sincerity that Adam felt some hope sprout in his
chest. Getting up some nerve, Adam looked Matt in the eyes and asked, "Then
what is it?"

Instead of answering, Matt reached out and touched the side of Adam's face.
This was the first time he had ever initiated contact. Just as that fact was
registering to Adam, Matt leaned up and pressed his lips to Adams. At first
Adam was too stunned to respond and then he felt Matt's tongue pushing
against his lips. Allowing his mouth to slide to open, he felt Matt's tongue
slip inside his mouth and begin to rub erotically against his own.

The kiss was hot, wet and very, very thorough. Their tongues merged and
stroked. Before he knew what happened, he was breathing hard and struggling
to unbutton his shirt while simultaneously pushing Matt back on the
mattress. Vaguely he felt Matt push against his chest with the flat of his
palms and somewhere in the back of his head he was aware of him saying `no'.
But Adam was beyond listening and he was certainly beyond stopping, it was
as though the beast inside of him had been set free and he continued to
ravage Matt's mouth.

Meanwhile, Matt, who had only wanted to reassure Adam, lay struggling
beneath him. Growing desperate and frightened of the situation that was
rapidly slipping out of control, Matt did the only thing he could and bit
down hard on Adam's lip. Adam, who was totally unprepared for the oral
assault, let out a surprised yelp of pain and jerked backwards. Using this
opportunity to escape, Matt sprang free of Adams embrace and jumped off the
bed. Adam, nursing his bruised lip, glanced up at Matt and said, "Why did
you do that?"

Breathing hard and pacing back and forth, Matt wrapped his arms around his
middle and said, "I kissed you because I wanted to show you that I do want
you. You turn me on so much that I can barely think when I'm around you and
that scares the hell out of me because I know that we would lose control and
I'm not ready for that." Pausing, Matt looked at Adam's lip and grimaced
when he saw traces of red. "I'm sorry I hurt your lip, but you got so
carried away and I was asking you to stop but you didn't..." Matt trailed off
when he saw Adam's eyes widen and his lips turn down in a frown. Trying
again, he said, "Adam, you're so much stronger than me, and although I love
your body for that, a lot of the time your size scares me." Pausing again,
Matt swallowed past the lump in his throat and continued. "I know how easy
it is to get carried away, that's why I'm always a little reserved when we
make out. It's not that I don't want to kiss you and touch you, it's just
that I don't want it to go beyond that and I know that once we go a little
further things will get out of hand."

After Matt was through, Adam stayed quiet for the longest time before he
finally responded.

"You're right. I have been ... pushing." He made the admission sadly. He had
realized during Matt's speech that he had been forcing Matt, and that that
had made Matt wary and uncomfortable around him. He felt bad. He wanted to
tell Matt that it was his frustration at going more than a year and a half
without sex that had made him so forceful. But he didn't, instead he said,
"We're supposed to be doing this at your pace, not mine and from now on I'll
remember that." Having said that, he got up and went into the bathroom.

Standing by the bed and watching Adam's retreating form, Matt felt a pang of
regret. He wasn't sure how much longer their relationship would last at the
rate it was going. When he had first met Adam, Adam had chased him
relentlessly. He had tried his best to dissuade him and protect his heart,
but he had been won over by Adam's charm and determination. Against his
better judgment, he had consented to a tentative relationship and their
romance had begun. At first, Adam had been very considerate, saying that sex
was purely up to Matt. That he would wait as long as Matt wanted, and that
he didn't care as long as he was with him.

After a year passed and their relationship remained sexless, things began to
change. Adam became more insistent as Matt became more resistant. Their
relationship stayed rife with tension. With the passage of time came Adam's
increasing confusion and Matt's increasing worry. It reached the point where
it seemed as though Adam was trying to get Matt naked at every turn and Matt
started avoiding him. He didn't want to start blaming Adam for the
disintegration of their love life, or lack thereof, but he was beginning to
dread their alone time.

Absent mindedly, he began to rub the protruding bulge of scar tissue on his
right shoulder with his left hand. He always experienced a painful knotting
pressure there whenever he was tense. He had had the scars so long that he
was not overly bothered by them any more. He was still wary of exposing his
naked body to other people, but it was mostly his emotional scars that held
him back. He slowly expelled his breath. It had been six years since the
`incident' but he still felt as though it had all happened yesterday.

Matt loved Adam, and he was still in shock after finding out that Adam
thought that he wasn't attracted to him. He had to concede that it might
appear that way because of his constant refusals, but it wasn't that. After
the `incident' he had experienced the natural fear and withdrawal that came
with the thought of physical intimacy, but after years of counseling and
therapy he was over that. Well, almost. What held him back now was
inexplicable. He couldn't seem to allow himself to cross the final threshold
of lovemaking. At the slightest hint of sex he would freak out and shut
down.

He was at peace with his homosexuality and at peace with his flawed body.
The last hurdle would be letting someone else touch him. He wanted to be
loved. He wanted to be touched. He wanted to be licked and sucked and
fucked. He just hoped that his desire could override his fear. If there was
one thing that he had learned in his years of counseling it was that one had
to work towards overcoming fears. He was never going to stop tripping over
sex if he never even tried. And just like that, understanding struck.

That was it! If you get thrown off a horse, the best thing to do is get
right back on again. He would stop running away from Adam's advances and try
to welcome them instead. Having decided this he was suddenly feeling a lot
better. As soon as Adam cooled down he would discuss it with him and they
could figure out how to do it.

*****

Adam was tempted to remain in the bathroom for the rest of the night, but he
knew he wouldn't be able to get away with that. He would have to emerge
sooner or later and face his boyfriend. He turned on the faucet, then leaned
over the sink and splashed some water on his face. He rested his elbows on
the sink and took a few deep breaths; the water felt cool and soothing on
his hot face. When he was finished he turned off the tap and then reached
over grabbed one of the towels on the rail and used it to mop his face dry.
When he was done, he re-hung the towel and continued to stare at his
reflection. So, Matt's lack of response wasn't due to attraction, but
instead apprehension. Strangely enough, that didn't really make him feel any
better.

Matt's words kept playing over and over in his head and each time he heard
them he felt more and more like a dick. And the only thing he could say in
his defense was that he was horny. How lame was that? He felt as though he
had given Matt an impossible ultimatum: sleep with him or lose him. That
made him feel horrible, and even though he hadn't intended it that way,
that's what it had become. He didn't want to lose Matt or end their
relationship, but he was realistic enough to realize that that's what would
happen if they continued as they were. Eventually staying with Matt and
remaining celibate at the same time would become out of the question for
Adam.

The mere thought of that made Adam physically sick. He loved Matt so much
that it hurt. He would do whatever was in his power to make their
relationship last. And if that meant backing off, then so be it. In fact,
from now on he wouldn't make any moves toward Matt unless he specifically
requested them, which translated into never. But, that was okay with Adam.
He would keep his distance and hold onto his patience. After all, they say
that good things came to those who waited.

Feeling marginally better and refreshed, Adam hit the lights and exited the
bathroom. When he entered the bedroom he saw that Matt was already in bed.
He felt his groin tighten reflexively. Matt offered him a tentative smile
which he tried to return, but he was unsuccessful. Clearing his throat
slowly, he approached the bed, "Matt," he said, "We really need to talk."

Matt had been dreading this. He suspected that Adam was probably under the
impression that he possessed lower sex drive than him, and it was making him
crazy. He knew that Adam enjoyed sex very much, and he didn't want him to
feel that his needs were not being met. It took a lot for Matt to admit his
fears about sex, his reluctance to make love. At the moment, Adam's sexual
appetite was a lot stronger than his own, and sometimes - more often than
not - it left Adam feeling sexually frustrated. In the past, Matt had
considered offering to satisfy Adam manually every once in a while without
having an orgasm himself, but he had never had the nerve to go through with
it.

Swallowing hard, Matt croaked, "Okay."

Adam came over to the side of the bed and sat down before he said, "I don't
mean to push you. And I don't mean to hurt you, but we can't go on like
this." Matt knew exactly what Adam was talking about and had a feeling he
knew exactly where the conversation was headed, but decided to keep silent
until Adam was done.

"We've been together nineteen months," Adam stressed the words as he
continued, "and you still flinch every time I come close to your body."
Pausing, he looked Matt right in the eye and said, "we can't go on like
this." Matt stopped breathing. Was Adam going to break up with him? He
wasn't sure if he understood what Adam was trying to say, but he felt his
body tightening and getting ready to steel itself for the rejection that was
about to come.

"I need you communicate how you're feeling," Adam said, "And you need to let
me touch you."

Matt let out a relieved sigh when he realized that Adam wasn't ending their
relationship then and there, but his relief didn't last long. Matt didn't
know how else to express his reluctance to Adam. So far in their
relationship, they hadn't made love and Matt knew that Adam's sexual needs
were not being met. Only, he couldn't help the fact that he wasn't able to
engage in sex with him the way he wanted. Swallowing the lump in his throat,
Matt said, "I'm trying. I want to be with you that way, but it's not easy
for me to do all the things you want me to."

It wasn't the response Adam wanted, but it would have to do for tonight. He
was sexually frustrated and tense and starting a fight with his partner
while he was feeling this way was not a good idea. He had lost control once
already and he didn't want a repeat performance. Maybe it would be better if
he slept on the couch for the night. Releasing his breath, Adam nodded his
silent understanding and made to get up, but Matt reached out and placed his
hand on Adam's arm, temporarily halting his movements. Adam turned back to
look at him.

Both men stared at each other silently for a moment before Matt said, "Come
to bed." Again Adam felt a tightening in his crotch but he silently told
himself to calm down. Matt meant `come to sleep' not do other things. He
rose from the bed and quickly made his way to the dresser where he pulled
out the drawer and selected a pair of pajama bottoms and then headed back to
the bathroom. They needed distance tonight and the last thing Adam wanted
was for Matt to feel as though he was forcing his needs on him.

Matt watched in confusion as the bathroom door shut. First of all, Adam
always slept naked so Matt was shocked to discover that he even owned
pajamas. Secondly, Adam had never been shy about his body so Matt was a
little surprised that he was changing in the bathroom. He felt a little
twinge of regret at the thought that he had probably made Adam uncomfortable
and that was why he was opting for a change in habit.

Just as that thought ended, Adam reemerged from the bathroom and headed
toward the bed. Matt felt a little jump of excitement as he gazed at Adam's
beautiful naked torso and muscular arms. He couldn't wait to be held in
those arms. That thought came as surprise as Matt realized how true it was.
He didn't feel the least bit afraid, only eager. However, he was in for a
disappointment because as soon as Adam reached the bed he turned down the
covers, climbed in, said goodnight and then settled in, facing away from
Matt.

Feeling perplexed, Matt also said goodnight, switched off the lamp and sank
down into the sheets. He lay on his back feeling a little stunned. Adam
hadn't tried to touch him. He hadn't kissed him or taken him into his arms
and Matt felt ... odd, bereft. He guessed that after all the night's high
emotions Adam might be feeling drained and only wanted to rest. Looking over
to his left, he watched Adam's broad back slowing rising up and down and
judged him to already be asleep. That assuaged some of his confusion.
Tomorrow he would tell Adam about his decision and their relationship would
start moving in a new direction.