Date: Wed, 24 Dec 2003 09:25:45 -0800 (PST)
From: Albert <youcraveforme@yahoo.com>
Subject: A Miracle for Christmas

Title: A Miracle for Christmas
Author: Phoen Albert Purnama
Copyright December 24, 2003
Any similarities are pure coincidences. =)

	"I'm cold...James, where are you? James...," Michael's voice was
hoarse from shouting for the past fifteen minutes or so. He barely noticed
the bandages on his right arm. All he could think of was James, his soul
mate or whatever was left of their relationship.
	"Mr. McCray? That's your name, right? At least that's what we got
from your driving license, and your friend is James Dayton. You've been out
for more than twenty-four hours, but you're going to be fine, sir, but I'm
going to check your body temperature and your blood pressure; just to make
sure. The doctor will arrive in a few minutes, okay? And here's a glass of
water." Michael gulped down the entire glass of water gratefully, and then
took a good look at the nurse that was standing to the right of his
hospital bed. He saw a middle-aged woman preparing to stuff the thermometer
under his tongue. The nurse worked efficiently, yet continued to chatter a
mile a minute.
	"Nurse...," Michael interrupted because he wanted to ask about
James' condition. They were driving home from last minute Christmas
shopping and the snowy weather worsened along the way.
      "Amy...the name is Amy. Do you want to eat something? You must be
hungry," the nurse inquired, smiling kindly.
	"No, thanks, Amy. Maybe later. Where's James?" Michael asked. He
desperately wanted to know, yet also afraid to hear the answer. A shadow
crossed Amy's face for a second, but she instantly recovered and smiled.
	"Oh, my dear, don't worry. You should be worried about your car;
it's totally wrecked. James, on the other hand, is fine. He was unconscious
for about twenty-two hours. The doctor is with him right now, and he'll be
here to see you in a few moments, alright? Now rest up, honey, and don't
let your thoughts wander, okay?" Amy tried her best to divert Michael's
attention, but she realized that it was not working.
	"Has he eaten yet? Can I see him? Just for a few minutes, I
promise." Michael persisted. He could feel something was wrong, and he knew
he would not sleep until he knew that James was okay.
	"Yes, he had, but I don't think...," Amy started to protest.
	"Ah, there you are, finally awakened! Amy, how's Mr. McCray?" A man
in white coat entered the room, smiling widely at them.
	"Dr. Rodi, glad you're here. Michael here would like to see his
friend," Amy began to explain, placing a very slight emphasis on the word
"friend." The doctor nodded understandingly, and Amy busied herself with
needles, etc.
	"Doctor, how's James?"
	"Mr. McCray, James did not sustain any cuts or scratches from the
broken glass. However, the bump on his head does not look good." Dr. Rodi
explained gently.
	"What do you mean, doctor? Is he going to...?" Michael choked back
the tears that had threatened to fall.
	"No, no, it's nothing like that at all. I believe Mr. Dayton has a
slight amnesia."
	"Do you mean he has lost his memory?" Michael began to sit up,
completely forgetting that he was not in a good condition himself. The pain
on his right arm surprised him, and he winced in pain. "My arm..."
	"Your right arm, Mr. McCray, is injured, and a few bones are
dislocated. Amy will set it in a sling later, and you'll be fine. James, on
the other hand, has a temporary loss of memory. Do you know his family? I
have to contact them."
	"No, doctor, James...has no family, except for me and my
family. Can I see James after that?" Michael insisted. The doctor nodded
understandingly.
	"You should be resting, honey." Amy objected, but the doctor waved
it off, and voiced his approval.
	"But not more than fifteen minutes, okay?" The doctor
added. Michael nodded happily, and Amy just shook her head.
	"Okay, baby, let me put your right arm in a sling, and I shall
escort you to see lover boy," Amy said and winked at him.
	"Oh, you know?"
	"Yes, sugar, I know. I have been in love too, you know?" Amy smiled
wider, and began to work on Michael's right arm. "So, how long have you two
known each other?
	"Ten years this December 28th. We met in a toy store when we were
fifteen," Michael answered, and he smiled to no one in particular.
	"Wow, a decade of lovey-dovey kisses." Amy's enthusiasm rubbed off
on Michael, and they both laughed a little.
	"Yes, ten years." Michael's eyes misted over, and he choked back
tears. "James and I were next door neighbors, and our mums went shopping
together that year. We tagged along because we each wanted to buy a new
toy. Unfortunately, we both rushed for the same toy. We were equally
stubborn, and neither of us wanted to let go of the toy."
	"Then what happened?" Amy asked while gently lifting up Michael's
right arm.
	"Our mums walked over while we were arguing over it. They each
promised us an extra toy if we shared that toy."
	"What toy was that?" Amy's curiosity got the better of her, and she
purposefully wrapped his arm slower than usual. She wanted to know how the
love story progressed.
	"Amy, before I answer that, how come you're not disgusted or
shocked?" Michael asked. He was slightly surprised that she didn't even
raise an eyebrow about him and James.
	"It's love, baby, and that's all that matters. I don't know how a
love between two men, or two women for that matter, is formed, but it is
love, and love is blind, or so they've said." Amy smiled at him after her
explanation, and her eyes were twinkling.
	"Thank you, Amy," Michael said sincerely and returned the smile in
kind.
	"You're welcome, sugar. Now, tell me your love story again," Amy
inquired.
	"Well, it was actually a silly Angel-fighter figurine--a male
naturally. I'm sure only girls and gay boys would buy that toy." The two
laughed slightly before Michael continued with his story. "James and I had
been hanging out ever since. We would share all our toys and we had a lot
of fun. Neither of us knew that the other was gay until we turned
eighteen."
	"What happened that year?" Amy had finished putting on the sling,
and she was sitting on a chair listening attentively.
	"The days prior to Christmas that year were difficult for James. I
didn't know why until Christmas Eve. James was drunk when he came to my
house and then practically dragging me out of the house without a
coat. Gawd, that bastard," Michael grinned a little as he reminisced.
	"Sexy one at that," Amy added, smiling at Michael, and they were
quiet for a few seconds. Michael was thinking about James' muscular body,
and his tight, god-if-I-could-eat-it-right-now-I-would, sexy ass.
	"Anyway, my family was surprised, but they were not able to do
anything since James had pulled me into his car and drove off. I could not
believe that I didn't stop him then, with him being drunk and all. All I
did was to ask him what he thought he was doing, but he just laughed
hysterically at me." Michael stopped to see Amy nodding
understandingly. "Amy, can I continue with my story later? I want to see
James first. I need to know his condition. My baby needs me."
	"Okay, but you owe me one, honey," Amy teased, and began to help
Michael get off the bed. Then, they walked towards James' hospital room,
which was just a few doors down the hall from Michael's. "There he is. Get
inside. I'll be at the desk down the hall. Stop by when you're done. I want
to hear the rest of your love story, you hear?" Michael chuckled and
nodded. Amy ruffled his hair a little and walked away. Michael stood there
staring at his lover for a few seconds longer before finding the courage to
enter. He stood beside the bed, and the tears fell silently.

*** Earlier that evening ***

Michael's Point of View:

	"Mikey, we need to talk," James' voice cut into his thoughts. They
were driving home after a wild last minute Christmas shopping. He should
have known that shopping on December 18th would be crazy, but James had
persuaded him, and he could never say no to James no matter what. They
finally got the shopping done around half-past nine.
	"Speak, baby," Michael replied.
	"I love you, Mikey."
	"I know, and I love you too, Jamesey," Michael answered and leaned
over to give his love a kiss on the cheek before focusing his attention on
the road again.
	"But...I think we should see other people," James' voice was soft,
but there was no mistaking the words. Michael had heard them loud and clear
in his mind.
	"What...what do you mean, baby? We're seeing other people too. We
have family, friends, colleagues..."
	"You know what I mean, Mikey," James interrupted.
	The two men did not speak for a few minutes, each lost in their own
thoughts. Michael could not believe that their 10 years of friendship,
seven years as lover, were going down the drain. The snow outside had
worsened, but Michael began to drive faster out of frustration.
	"Mikey...," James began to speak.
	"Why?" Michael interrupted James' sentence, his voice unnaturally
cold.
	"Mikey, don't be like this, baby. I love you, and I will always
love you, but..."
	"Is there someone else?" Michael had to ask yet he did not want to
know the answer; not really.
	"No, Mikey, there isn't. I'm not cheating on you, and you know me
better than that." James' tone began to harden.
	"If there isn't anyone else, why are we breaking up?" Michael
yelled back.
	"I can't talk to you when you're like this." James turned his head
and looked out the window.
	"The hell you can't! You started this and we should end it now."
Michael's voice grew louder, and he hit the stirring wheel loudly as if to
emphasize his point.
	"No, we don't. I won't resume this conversation until you're ready
to listen to me. Calmly!" James added the last word to drive his point
home, and resumed looking out the window.
	"Oh, no, you don't. Look at me, damn it!" Michael began to scream,
annoyed at James' attitude. "You're always doing that. I've had enough of
it. You want to break up? Fine, break up! Hell if I care! If you think I
care..."
	"Mikey, watch out!" James' warning came a minute too late as the
car swerved to the right of the road, and tires of the other vehicles
screeched loudly as their drivers tried to avoid a direct collision with
Michael's car. All Michael remembered were James' arms embracing him as the
car crashed onto a tree. After that, darkness...

*** Back to the present ***

	"Who...who are you?" James' voice startled him, but nothing
surprised him more than the question.
	"James, it's me, Michael. We are...friends. Sorry, but I didn't
mean to wake you up." Michael did not know if he should tell James that
they were lovers, or whatever was left of their relationship. His heart
ached at the thought, but he pushed it away. He had to help James regained
his memory. He owed him that at least.
	"It's fine. Where are my parents, my family? Or do I have anyone at
all?" James' voice was filled with fear.
	"James, you have me. I will take care of you. I'll bring you home
soon, I promise. I'll look after you until you are fine again."
	"You're bringing me back to your house? Are we roommates?" James
asked, and the confusion was registered on his face. Michael wanted to deny
that. He wanted to shout that they were lovers, that they were soul mates,
but he knew that it might scare James away because he could not remember a
thing. In the end, he nodded his head, not trusting his voice to speak. His
heart was aching, and it felt as if a thousand needles were piercing away
at the very core of his soul. As he looked at James looking so vulnerable
in his hospital gown, he wanted to embrace him and assured him that he
would be fine, but he could not bring himself to do that. He needed some
time to think about what to do...and how to do them.
	"James, why don't you lie down and go to sleep? Don't worry about a
thing. I'll take care of you, I promise."
	"Okay, but you'll be here when I wake up?" James' voice was timid
and Michael's heartache intensified, but he nodded assuring him. James
smiled a little, and went back to sleep in no time at all. Michael sat
beside him, and was overwhelmed with emotions. The tears slid down his
cheeks, and he began to cry silently. Suddenly, he felt a hand gently
touching his shoulder, and he looked up to see Amy smiling down at him.
	"Want to talk about it, sugar?" Michael shook his head, but mouthed
a thank you in gratitude. Amy nodded understandingly.
	"So, how about a cup of coffee and you can continue your story?"
Michael chuckled a little and agreed. The two got up and went to the
cafeteria. After they each got themselves a cup of coffee, Michael resumed
his story where he left off.
	"James was so drunk that I was sure he was not listening to me at
all. Suddenly, he stopped at the side of the road, and he began to cry
loudly, burying his face with his hands on the steering wheel. I thought
James had gone insane or something and I was worried sick..."

*** Michael and James: 18 years old ***

Michael's Point of View:

	"Mikey, I'm gay." I swore you could hear an explosion all the way
from planet Pluto with the silence that engulfed us in the next few
minutes. Neither of us spoke a word, and neither of us moved either. We sat
there staring at each other, and it was driving me crazy. "Mikey, say
something quick because you're driving me crazy and..."
      I did not allow him to finish the sentence as I kissed him squarely
on the lips, and the next thing I knew we were making out desperately. My
hands were frantically trying to unbutton his shirts and he was pulling my
shirt out and over my head. When I felt his smooth muscular chest and abs
on my hairy, muscular body, I swore I could cum right there and then. It
was that intense.
      Our tongues were waging a war against each other, and our hands were
soon busy trying to take off each other's pants. I had seen him naked
before, but this time it was different. This time we were making out, and
both of us were at the point of no return. When we were finally naked, I
pushed him back on the seat of his car and began to rub against him, all
the while kissing him with wild abandon.
      I did not even stop to think that there were the occasional cars
driving by and even though it was dark outside, people might still be able
to see us inside the car. When I felt him stiffen and gasp against me, I
lost control and came a few seconds after him. We continued to rub and
kiss, enjoying the afterglow of our passionate lovemaking.
      When we were fully dressed, we sat side by side holding hands and
making stupid faces at each other.

*** Back to the present ***

	"Oh, that was so sexy! But what happened to James' family?" Amy
prodded gently.
	"They threw him out of the house when we came out to them. My
parents took James in, and needless to say, my parents are no longer
friends with them--their choices, not my parents'. Since then, James and I
had gone to college together, thanks to my parents. My parents had saved up
enough money to see me through college, but they decided to split the money
in two: half for each of us, and we had to work part-time to pay for the
rest. My parents were still working then, and they would send us money
whenever they could to help us out."
	"Where are your parents right now?" Amy inquired.
	"They had gone to stay with one of my aunts, and I didn't want them
to rush back home. Besides, there's nothing they can do to help James
recover his memory. I'll give them a call to inform them, but I don't want
them to cut short their trip."
	"That's a good idea, honey. At least let them know about what
happened, okay?" Michael nodded, and they drank their coffee in
companionable silence.
	"I also have to call in sick at work for both of us. James is done
with the project, fortunately."
	"What project is that?"
	"James is working in an advertising firm. He had been given a huge
project to be completed before Christmas. He submitted it yesterday
afternoon."
	"And what about you, honey? What do you do? If you don't mind
telling me, that is." Amy winked, and Michael just smiled.
	"I've practically told you my whole life story." Michael laughed,
and Amy followed suit.
	"And it's very romantic," Amy offered.
	"Thank you, Amy. You've been such a great listener. I've never
told...well, you know, people I don't really know..."
	"A stranger, honey, that's the word you're looking for. And don't
worry, sugar, I am not offended." Amy smiled gently.
	"Thank you, Amy."
	"Definitely." And the silence resumed for a few minutes.
	"Anyway, I am a dentist." Amy looked up, slightly surprised.
	"Oh, we're both in the medical profession, just different lines."
Amy grinned.
	"Yeah, you take care of body temperature and the overall well-being
of your patients while I take care of their teeth...and some smelly
breaths." They both laughed, and finished their cups of coffee.
	"Amy, can you wake me up before six o'clock tomorrow morning?"
Michael inquired.
	"Yes, sure, honey. I will be going home at six; that's when my
shift is over. What do you want to wake up so early for?"
	"James told me that he wanted me to be there when he woke up. He
always woke up at six when...you know...," Michael did not finish his
sentence because the tears were threatening to fall again.
	"I will wake you up before six tomorrow, honey. I need to check
your body temperature and all that anyway."
	"Thank you, Amy."
	"You're welcome, honey."
	Michael peeked into James' room to make sure that he was still
asleep before making his way back to his room. He drifted into dreamland a
few minutes after his head touched the pillow on his bed.

*** 5:50 in the morning ***

	"Michael, honey, wake up," Amy's voice broke into Michael's dream
and awakened him.
	"Thanks, Amy." Michael was very sleepy, but he forced himself to
get off the bed and washed his face a little before he made his way to
James' bedroom.
	He got there just in time to see James turning around in his bed,
and he began to rub his eyes as he usually did upon waking up.
	"Michael..." James' voice was filled with fear as he looked around
the hospital room, not noticing that Michael was standing by the door.
	"I'm here, James," Michael replied, and he walked quickly to James'
bedside.
	"You're here," James reached for Michael's left hand, and grabbed
it tightly.
	"I'm here, James, as I've promised you."
	"Thank you."
	"Any...You're welcome, James." He had wanted to say "Anything for
you, baby," but he decided that it might sound too gay, and James might not
be ready to know about them yet; certainly not in his current condition. He
would tell him soon, but he could not deal with it now if James rejected
him out of fear. He just had to take it one day at a time, and one of those
days, maybe James would be ready to listen to him.
	The two men talked about the weather, but James kept asking about
his family and friends, and also what happened to have landed him in the
hospital.
      Michael's guilt increased with each question about the accident
because it was his fault. He should have listened to James when he said
that he wanted to continue the argument at home, but he was so shocked at
James' sudden decision to break up, and the thought that he would be losing
his soul mate of ten years, made him lose his rationality.
	"Michael, when can we go home?" James' question startled him, but
he was ready for it. He had been giving it some thoughts before falling
asleep last night.
	"I'll talk to the doctor, but I'm sure we can be discharged
today. We're both physically healthy; no reason to stay another day in the
hospital." James seemed satisfied with Michael's answer, and he smiled his
trademark slightly-crooked smile. Michael grinned in return, and the two
men resumed chatting. They talked about the weather, and also what they
wanted to do at home if they were discharged later this morning.
      Michael tried to concentrate on the conversation, but he was
apprehensive about the future, and what might happen next. James would need
answers to his questions, and when he regained his memory...God, he didn't
even want to think that far! The future would have to sort itself out. He
did not have the strength, or the courage, to think that far ahead. He
still had to deal with his family, the car (or whatever was left of it),
and both his and James' work--thank goodness it would be Christmas soon.

*** December 20th 10:30 a.m. ***

	I saw the doctor later that morning, and I persuaded him to
discharge us on the ground that James might regain his memory faster in a
familiar surrounding. He agreed after considering it for a few minutes. I
broke the news to James, and he smiled the widest grin at me. I had not
seen him smile like that for...God! It had been months since we last made
love. We were both too busy with our careers, and there would be one thing
or another that prevented us from making love. Either he was staying back
in the office till early in the morning or I would be too busy in my office
taking care of teeth and smelly breaths. Go figure. No wonder we were
breaking up...

*** September 29th 10:00 p.m. ***

Michael's Point of View:

	"Mikey, baby," I felt two strong arms wrapped around my neck as I
drank a glass of water in the kitchen.
	"You're home," I answered nonchalantly. I was a little irritated at
James because he had been too busy with his work.
	"Baby?" He had lowered the tone of his voice. Good grief! Guess we
were in for another fight! Hell, bring it on!
	"Yeah, what is it?" I hardened my tone, preparing myself for
another argument. We had been fighting about a few million times over the
last two weeks. Another one would not make any difference to me.
	"What the hell is wrong with you? I'm trying to talk here." He
began to yell a notch higher; his hands were off my shoulders.
	"That should be my line. What the hell is wrong with you? You were
always busy at work, and when I tried to make love to you, you feigned
exhaustion," I retaliated and turned to face him, raising the volume of my
voice by one decibel.
	"You aren't exactly "Mr. Responsive." I'd tried coming home as
early as I could, but you were not home then, and when I called, you were
always "busy with the customer." And I didn't pretend to be tired; I was
really exhausted when I got back home." James stared at me defiantly, but I
was so geared up for this argument that I pretended not to notice the tears
that began to form in his eyes.
	"What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I was really checking on
those teeth and making sure that they had no smelly breath on top of
that. You want to talk about me at work, huh? What about you and your
colleagues? Oh, yeah, that pompous ass bastard, Ian? We both know that he
has been trying to get in your pants for months now, and the two of you
were always working late night shifts together. What the fuck were you
doing with him? Having sex in the office?" I screamed louder, not caring if
the neighbors could hear me loud and clear.
	"Care to repeat that again?" James was no longer shouting at me,
and tears had begun to stream down his face.
	"James, Jamesey, I--I didn't mean it that..."
	"Yes, you did. God! Mike, how could you think that? I..." I tried
pulling him into my arms, but he brushed me off. "Look, I'm going to sleep
in the guest bedroom tonight. I can't...I can't stand sleeping in the same
room with a guy who doesn't trust me enough, much less in the same
bed. Good night, Mike."
	"James, baby, I'm sorry, I--I'm jealous, and it's driving me
crazy. Jamesey?"
	"Look, Mike, I'm really exhausted now. Can we talk tomorrow or
something? I need some sleep. Good night."
	Just like that! We had our fair share of arguments, but this was
the worst. I did not realize how deep my jealousy ran in my blood until
tonight.

*** Back to the present ***

Michael's Point of View:

	"Mike?" James' voice startled me, and I turned to look at him. "The
driver was asking you the address. I--I couldn't remember."
	I heard the embarrassment in his voice, and I hastened to comfort
him after telling the cab driver our home address.
      Half an hour later, James was sleeping soundly in our bed, and I
would have to sleep in the guest bedroom tonight, and the next few nights;
at least until I felt that he was ready to know about our relationship. I
did not want him to freak out because he had enough shit to deal with,
trying to regain his memory and living with me, whom he barely knew from
the next person. That realization hurt me, but I deserved that pain for I
had caused the damn accident. If only I had listened to James...

James' Point of View:

	"Mike, where are you?" I had woken up at quarter past two
o'clock. That was a refreshing nap, but now I was hungry. I stepped into
the kitchen and gasped at the sight of Michael cooking without a shirt. I
noticed his muscular, hairy chest, and I could feel a stirring in my pants.
	"Oh, hey, you're awake," he replied cheerfully, the wide grin
brought out the dimples on his cheeks. I might be going crazy, but somehow
I felt that he was not really that happy. There was something in the way
that he smiled at me; it did not seem natural or something.
      The doctor told me that I had lost my memory, but he had forgotten to
tell me that I was also certifiably insane. How could I read a stranger's
emotion? Yeah, I must be losing my mind.
	"Mike, I'm hungry. I--I'm wondering if there's anything to eat," I
asked sheepishly, embarrassed that I had to ask for food.
	I watched Mike's expression darkened for a second, but he quickly
regained his composure. What was that?
	"James, we--we're friends so don't ever hesitate to ask me for
anything, okay?" I nodded my head. He seemed satisfied and grinned at me
reassuringly.
	"There are fried chicken wings and a bowl of salad on the
table. Let's eat!" There! That same fake cheeriness! What was wrong with
me? Was I reading too much into it? Why was I...?
	"James, are you okay?" Michael's voice jolted me back to reality.
	"I'm fine, Mike, I'm fine. Nothing's wrong," I replied as
cheerfully as I could.
	"You're sure? Look, bab...James, are you sure you're okay? Do you
need the doctor?" Michael's concern touched me deeply, but I did not want
to see the doctor; not now anyway.
	"No, Mike, I'm okay, really. Let's eat, alright?" I pointed to my
stomach, and he nodded, but he did not look convinced.
	I offered to clean up after we had finished eating, but he told me
to take things easy even though I insisted several times. In the end
though, I gave up and decided to look around the house.
      When we arrived this morning, I felt strange for no apparent
reason. Or maybe it felt weird then because I could not remember ever
living in this house. It was a middle-class neighborhood, and there were
some kids playing outside in the snow. A few of them had called out to us,
but I did not remember any of them. I just waved at them and entered the
house, after which I told Michael that I wanted to sleep because I felt
sleepy.
      As I looked around the living room, I noticed several photo albums on
the small wooden table by the sofa. I sat on the sofa and began to flip
through the first photo album. There were several pictures of me and
Michael at what appeared to be our graduation party. There were several
others in the album that I could not remember.
      "Need some help with those photos?" I looked up and saw Michael
smiling at me.
      "Yeah, I can't remember ever seeing these faces before." Michael
closed the distance between us and sat down next to me on the sofa.
      We flipped through several photo albums and Michael would explain to
me about the events or he would tell me the names of the people in the
photographs. I noticed some blank pages in some of these albums, but
Michael always evaded my questions whenever I asked about the missing
photographs. In the end, I decided to ask him again some other time.
      Dinner was a quiet affair. We had some sandwiches and watched some
news on the television. I was sleepy again at about nine o'clock and went
to bed, leaving Michael in the living room. I felt as if he wanted to say
something to me, but he never did. Maybe I was hallucinating. That or maybe
I was losing my marbles; all of them.

Michael's Point of View:

	I called my parents this afternoon when I was certain that James
was soundly asleep in our bedroom. They wanted to rush home, but I managed
to convince them to stay put. It made no sense for them to be here because
no one could cure amnesia; no medicine, no quick solution, nothing...
	I put away all the intimate photos of James and me embracing or
kissing...all of them. He might not be ready to know about our
relationship...it was too much, too soon.
	After lunch, I noticed him flipping through those photo albums,
which I had put on the small wooden table on purpose. I was hoping that
those photos would miraculously bring his memories back, but at the same
time I did not want him to remember.
	If he remembered, then it meant the end of our relationship. I
could not bear the thought of not having him in my life, and my whole body
ached with the pain. There were some odd minutes during the day when I
wished that he would not remember the past forever, but that was selfish of
me. I wanted him to be happy and regained his memory, and if that meant
that he would have to leave me, I would let him go even if it killed me.
	The next morning dawned bright and cheery, and I rolled over in
bed, expecting a warm body next to me before reality hit me hard; I was
sleeping in the guest bedroom. I groaned in frustration and woke up to
prepare breakfast for James.
      I had explained the accident to James' manager yesterday and asked
for an extended break should the need arose. Then I called in to my office
at the hospital and told Sandy, my secretary, to cancel all appointments
and that she could take an early break. She expressed her concerns and I
thanked her.
      I was shocked to see James already seated in the dining room. He was
eating some omelet and two bacons; on the right side of his plate was a cup
of herbal jasmine tea. And the most startling things were the plate of two
eggs (sunny side up) and three hash browns, and a piping hot cup of coffee.
      "Good morning, Mike. Did you sleep well last night?"
      "Yeah...what time did you wake up?" I asked, trying to hide my
surprise. I was not expecting him to cook for himself, much less for me.
      "How did you know what I like for breakfast?" I felt weird asking him
that because we were approaching our tenth anniversary yet I had to ask him
about it because James had lost his memory.
      "I--I don't know. I was cooking in the kitchen, and I thought I would
prepare your breakfast, and the next thing I knew...Ouch," James yelled out
and held his head.
      "Jamesey, are you okay?" I rushed over to his side and put my hands
on his shoulders.
      "I--I'm fine. My head hurts a little whenever I try to remember
things," he explained.
      "Okay, well, try to relax and take it easy, bab...James." I almost
made the same slip again.
      "Okay, I will try not to, but I just want to remember things. It's
frustrating for me to look around, and I can't seem to remember anything
about this house or you, or even the people in those photo albums."
      "James, you will remember them, but for now you've got to take things
one step at a time, alright?"
      He nodded and smiled at me. I relaxed my grip on his shoulders, and
stood up to eat my breakfast.
      "Jamesey?" I was about to swallow a mouthful of hash brown when he
surprised me with THAT question.
      "That's what I called you when...you know," I answered honestly.
      "And what did I call you?" He asked another question.
      "Mikey," I responded.
      "Alright then, Mikey," he replied and grinned widely at me. I smiled
back, feeling a curious mixture of pain and hope inside. On one hand, that
might be a sign of good progress. On the other hand, I was that one step
closer to losing my soul mate. It was not a good mixture.

James' Point of View:

	Michael and I spent the rest of the day walking around the
neighborhood. He was telling me stories about how little Johnny from the
house next door had run around naked on a snowy morning last November, and
Mrs. Ginger gossiping with the other "ladies" every afternoon in the park
nearby while the children were playing together.
	Michael was being so patient with me, and I was really
grateful. There were times that I felt like screaming because my head would
feel as if it were pierced with needles whenever I tried to remember part
of my past.
	I woke up the next day at dawn, and I heard Michael's voice outside
in the living room. It sounded like he was crying. I opened the door
slightly and peeked through the crack. Michael was talking on the phone and
there were tears on his face.
	"Yes, mum, I know. I miss him so much, and it's all my fault. I
should have listened to him when he..." Silence. "Yeah, I know that, but..."
The silence stretched a few minutes longer.
	"Mum, I really love him. I--I don't want him to remember about us,
but at the same time..." I could not hear the rest of the conversation
because Michael was speaking softer now. I crept back to bed and thought
about the things that Michael said a minute ago. What did he mean? What was
he trying to say? Who...?
	"Arrghhhh," I yelled out in pain. My head was killing me, and I
began to cry in frustration. If this kept happening each time I tried to
remember the past, I might not regain my memory ever.
	"James!" I heard Michael hanging up rapidly, and a few seconds
later, he was by my side in bed. "Are you okay? Baby, don't cry! I'm here
now. Oh, my God! Please be okay! James, are you okay?"
	Michael's hands caressed my hair, and he held me tight as I cried
harder on his naked chest. I felt so safe and warm that I soon fell asleep
in his arms. The last thing that went through my head before sleep took
over was "Baby, don't cry! I'm here now."

*** December 22 11:17 a.m. ***

James' Point of View:

	I felt the coolness of the sheet on my naked body. I had gone to
sleep naked last night, and it felt really good to sleep like that. Maybe
that was the way I slept in the past. Michael's arms were wrapped around my
waist, and I could feel his hairy chest pressing against my back.
	"Wait a minute! Michael's hairy chest? Me naked in bed?" The
thought screamed in my head, and my eyes jerked open. Strangely enough, I
could feel a sense of familiarity.
	What was our true relationship? Michael had not been completely
truthful with me these past two days, and the doubt grew stronger yesterday
when we viewed the photo albums together. He had refused to tell me about
the missing photographs on certain pages.
	Suddenly, I felt Michael moving a little, and I realized that he
was awake. I decided there and then that Michael and I would have a "little
talk."
	"Mikey?" I piped up.
	"Oh, sorry, didn't mean to wake you up. What's up, baby?" I was
startled to hear him call me that. We had to have a serious talk.
	"Mikey, we need to talk." I heard him groan and I chuckled. "Don't
roll your eyes, pumpkins. You always have the same reaction whenever we
need to talk."
	I chuckled again, and turned to face him. I was surprised to see
his shocked expression.
	"What's wrong?" I queried while trying my best to cover up, which I
thought was silly considering we had slept naked together.
	"Did--did you realize what you just said?" He stuttered and looked
at me with a mixture of sadness and joy. I thought about what I said and
gasped a little.
	"I--I--I didn't think about what...I...," I gasped out.
	"The doctor is right. Familiar surroundings help a lot. Do you
remember anything else, baby?" Michael's excitement was apparent in his
eyes, and he clasped my shoulders tightly. I shook my head sadly, and he
pulled me into his arms.
	"That's alright, baby. Just take your time to remember; I'll be
here with you all the way," he consoled me while rubbing my back
reassuringly.
	"Michael, we need to talk, and you need to be honest with me," I
whispered in his ears. I felt his whole body stiffen upon hearing that, and
took a deep breath before pulling back to look me in the eye.
	"Jamesey, I--I just didn't think that you were ready..."
	"Mikey, I'll be the judge of that. I may have lost my memory, but I
believe I know my mental health better than you or the doctor. Promise me
that you'll be honest with me. No more secrets."
	"I promise. Come on. Let's go to the dining room," he said and
started to pull me off the bed.
	"Why the dining room? We can talk right here." I was totally
confused.
	"Oh, jeez! Sorry, baby, I...Never mind. Let me explain a
little. See, in the past when we wanted to talk, we would always head to
the dining room and have some ice cream, vanilla for you and chocolate for
me. After that, we talked about whatever we had to deal with."
      Even though he had yet to tell me the true nature of our
relationship, I had a good inkling what we were, and surprisingly, I was
not scared or anything worse than that. All I felt was warmth and
security. I trusted this man completely.
      His expression softened a little, and my heart ached for him. He
missed the old James, something which I could not promise him, but I was
determined to give him as much as I could.

Michael's Point of View:

	We entered the dining room and performed our past ritual. We had
some ice cream and then talked things through. I told James about what our
relationship was like, how it all began, how we got together, and about the
upcoming 10th anniversary on December 28th.
	It felt so good to sleep with him in my arms this morning, and I
told him about that. He smiled in return and we just sat there looking deep
into each other's eyes. I had missed him so much, and I wished he would
remember everything.
      However, the nagging voice inside reminded me that the moment James
regained his memory also marked the end of our relationship, and the
thought depressed me beyond what words could express.
      For the first time in months, James and I were sitting in the dining
room smiling at each other. There were no petty fights, no cold shoulder,
and no anger between us.
      I realized then that I had to try to make things right no matter how
small the chance might be. I could not live without James in my life, and
breaking up with him would kill me, not physically but emotionally.
      We ordered pizza for lunch, and we sat down in the dining room just
talking about the past. I did not tell him about our last conversation
though. I had promised him that there would be no secret between us, but I
could not tell him that yet. I had to try to win his love back.
      I began to see that James had been the one who compromised and
remained level-headed in all our arguments. I had hurt him so deeply that
he could not take it anymore, and that might be the reason why he decided
that we had to break up. If only I could show him that what we had was
worth so much more, maybe he would change his mind...

*** December 23 09:19 a.m. ***

James' Point of View:

	Yesterday had been an amazing experience. It might be weird for me
to say that because I obviously used to be very much in love with this man,
and the photographs (those that Michael had previously hidden from me)
showed just how we were so deeply in love before the accident.
	There were photographs of him and me kissing under the mistletoe,
slicing his 19th birthday cake together, cuddling on the sofa, and a bunch
of other intimate memories.
	When it was time for bed, I told Michael that he should sleep with
me in the master bedroom, and his eyes lit up like fireworks on the Fourth
of July. I chuckled at him, and he grinned at me in return.
      I was not ready to resume the more intimate detail of a relationship,
however, and Michael respected my wish, for which he earned 100 points on
the scoring board in my heart.
      I felt him stirring in his sleep, and I chuckled a little because his
chest-hair was tickling me. That caused him to tighten his grip on me, and
I pushed back a little, wanting to get closer to him. I grinned like a
little boy, feeling all happy and warm.
	"Mikey?"
	"Yeah?" His tone told me that he was not ready to wake up yet.
	"Hate to say this, but I've got to piss..." I trailed off, and felt,
more than heard, his chuckling behind me. He let go of me, and I rushed to
the bathroom to relieve myself.
	When I returned to the bedroom, I noticed that the bed was empty,
but I heard the commotion in the kitchen. I decided to explore the bedroom
a little, and found the drawer in the closet that Michael said had belonged
to me; his was in the closet next to mine.
	I opened the drawer and came upon a few pieces of paper among other
things. The wordings on the papers were rather blurred, and they looked as
if someone had poured droplets of water on them.
	"Jamesey?" Michael shouted all the way from the kitchen.
	"I'll be right there with you." I yelled in response, and put the
papers back, telling myself that I would read them later. They might be
helpful in my healing process.
	"We need to go grocery shopping. We're running out of food,"
Michael explained.
	"Well, okay, but how far is the grocery store? You told me your car
was wrecked in the accident," I replied matter-of-factly. Michael looked at
me as if I was talking in a foreign language, but he laughed after a few
seconds.
	"Sorry, baby, but I forgot to tell you that you have a car
too. It's in the garage. And my parents bought me a new car for Christmas
when I told them about the accident."
	"Okay, well, that's nice," I answered lamely, not really certain
how to respond to his revelation.
	"Jamesey, I'm sorry, baby. The car just slipped my mind. I didn't
mean to hide it from you," he explained quickly.
	"It's alright, Mikey. I understand; don't worry about it." I smiled
at him to assure him, and he gave me one in return.
	We spent the afternoon doing grocery shopping, and I drove us back
and forth. I might have lost my memory, but I could still drive a car,
which boosted my confidence. At least I was not dependent on Michael for
everything.
	I knew that he did not mind taking care of me because he obviously
loved me, but I felt the need to care for myself up to a certain level just
to show myself that I could be independent somehow.
	Michael seemed exhausted after our little trip, and he decided to
take a little nap during which I decided to take out those papers from my
drawer and sat down in the dining room to read them.

*** Words on the pieces of paper ***

Paper 1:

I'm scribbling...that's not a good sign...Mikey is going to be late...again...
It's 11:37 p.m., three minutes since the last time I looked at the damn
clock beside the TV set; what the hell is Michael doing out so late?  It
has been months since we last made love and I miss him...bad...what the hell
is he doing out there? It's almost midnight now, damn it!

Paper 2:

Another lonely night...last Tuesday I managed to get home early just to go
to bed alone; and tonight is Halloween...why is he not home yet?  We've not
touched each other for months now, and it's driving me crazy...I need him so
badly it hurts...

* Paper 3: * Paper 4: * etc...

*** Back to the present ***

	My tears had drenched the papers, and then I realized that the
words were blurred because I, or James of the past, had been crying while
he scribbled on those papers, waiting in vain for his lover to come home;
those were not droplets of water.
	I stood up and walked towards the bedroom, forcing myself to
remember the details of my past, but nothing came up. My mind drew a
complete blank, and in frustration, I gripped my head and tried to calm
down. Instead, I felt the pain rushing through my head.
      I screamed loudly and walked unsteadily towards the bedroom. I felt
my head hit something hard, and then darkness...

*** December 24 02:37 a.m. ***

Michael's Point of View:

	James had been lying in bed unconscious for hours, and there was no
indication of him waking up anytime soon. I heard James screamed my name,
and I rushed out immediately.
      I saw him fell backwards and his head hit the wall before toppling
down unconscious. I had called the doctor at the hospital and everything
was a blur to me after that.
      I had picked up the papers that had fallen from James' hand and read
every single word repeatedly. The words felt like knives cutting through my
heart and soul. My anger and jealousy had caused me to hurt the one person
who meant everything to me.
      I recalled James' pleading me to understand, but I was too furious at
him for working overtime almost every night, and I felt ignored and
slighted by him even though I knew that he was simply trying to jump-start
his career.
      We did not make love for months and my imagination began to send me
into an overdrive. I felt that he hurt me deeply, and I wanted to do the
same to him. I began to avoid his phone calls, and there were nights when I
purposely frequented the bar just so I could stay out till the early
morning hours. Fortunately, I never slept with anyone else even though I
was really tempted to.
      "Mikey?" James' voice shook me out of my reverie, and I quickly held
his hands in mine, crying with joy that he was finally awake.
      "I'm here, baby. Are you hungry? I'll get you something to
eat. I'll..."
      "Shhh, hush now, Mikey; don't cry. I'm fine, aren't I?"
      "Yeah, you're looking good." I laughed through my tears, feeling an
immense sense of relief that he was conscious and doing fine.
      "What happened after that?" James' question baffled me for a few
minutes, but I quickly realized that he was asking about falling down
unconscious.
      "Oh, you fell backwards, hit the wall, and..." James cut me off with
his finger on my lips.
      "Mikey, you're confusing me. I mean, what happened when the car
crashed? I can't remember anything after that." I was startled beyond
belief; James had regained his memory.
      "Jamesey, let me call the doctor. He has to see you," I mumbled and
stood up to reach for the phone, but James stopped me and asked for an
explanation; the doctor could wait. I heaved a deep breath, and sat back
down on the bed beside my lover. I held his hands and began to tell him
about the events of the past few days, ending with the papers I picked up
off the floor.
      "Jamesey, I--I read your papers...I--I'm sorry, baby. I never meant to
hurt you. It's just...I couldn't stop myself from..." James stopped me once
again with his finger and told me that he was exhausted. I resigned myself
to fate and told him that I would call the doctor to check him up.
      The doctor told me that he would arrive within an hour because he
needed to see some other patients first. I hung up the phone, and the next
one hour was pure discomfort. James lay down on his side and faced the
window, while I sat on the chair that was facing the door. We remained
quiet; neither of us had anything to say.
      I felt my whole body aching in pain as I realized that the next few
hours would be the last time James and I would spend being together in our
bedroom. I choked back the tears as quietly as I could. A few minutes
later, I walked out to the living room when I heard the doorbell ring.

James' Point of View:

	I was not certain why I pulled back from Michael even though my
heart was telling me that I wanted him with me for the rest of my life. I
heard him make the phone call to the doctor, and we waited in silence for
him to arrive; it was so uncomfortable.
	We slept in the same bed later, but I felt awkward, and the
situation seemed ridiculous. Maybe breaking up would be the only solution
for us.

*** December 24 01:46 p.m. ***

	When I woke up, it was already past lunch time. I turned slowly
towards the left side of the bed where Michael had slept last night; it was
empty. Then, I decided to make myself a sandwich because I was hungry.
	When I entered the dining room, I saw Michael hunched down with his
head between his arms. I wanted to reach out and comfort him, but something
was stopping me from doing that. I coughed discreetly, and Michael looked
up to face me.
	"Jamesey, baby, can we talk, please?" I nodded in relief, but told
him that I had to make myself a quick sandwich first. He nodded grimly in
return, and then looked down at the dining table again.
	After making a couple of sandwiches, I automatically took out some
ice cream, and then returned to the dining room.
	Michael thanked me for the ice cream and we both ate in silence. I
was contemplating what to say to him because there was so much to say yet I
did not know where or how to begin.
	"Jamesey, I'm sorry for hurting you. It's just that...over the past
few months, we didn't make love, and you worked overtime almost every day,
and you even worked on weekends too. I--I let my imagination got the better
of me, and I..."
	"Mikey, I'm sorry too for not considering your feelings about me
working overtime. I just assumed you'd understand that I was trying to
advance my career, and...I know you understand, but I didn't realize then
how much of a strain that would be on our relationship."
	Then, the silence prevailed. Both of us were digesting what the
other said; I was not sure what else to say, or if there was anything more
to add.
	"Jamesey, I love you, and I'm sorry for hurting you. I really can't
see myself without you by my side for the rest of my life. Can we start
over, please?"
	I wanted to jump into his arms, but I was too stubborn. Instead, I
told him that I was sorry too for causing this strain in our relationship,
and that I needed some time to think about where this relationship was
going. Then, I left him in the dining room. He did not say a word.

*** December 24 11:30 p.m. ***

Michael's Point of View:

	Dinner was bad. That was an understatement. We ate in silence, and
I felt as if our relationship was that much closer to the finishing
line. It was not a good feeling, and I lost my appetite after only a few
bites of salad.
      James, on the other hand, finished everything on his plate, and that
depressed me further. I felt as if he was very eager to get away from me,
and his appetite was really good. Maybe I was being oversensitive, but
under the circumstances anyone would be having the same feelings that I
had.
      "Mikey, I'm sorry for hurting you too." James' voice startled me a
little. I saw him kneel down in front of me. "Michael Brandon McCray, we've
spent almost a decade through good times and bad times, and even though
we've had our share of disagreements, I know deep in my heart that you're
the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, loving you and being
loved by you. Will you marry me?"
      James took out a ring from his pocket, and that surprised me. I
thought our relationship was coming to an end, and I was not expecting this
at all.
      "I--I thought..." James put his finger to my lips to hush me up.
      "Will you marry me?" I nodded, still in a state of disbelief.
      James slid the ring into my finger, and he stood up and moved closer
to me.
      "Wait a minute!" I put my hand on his lips to stop him from kissing
me.
      "What! Why? I thought..."
      I rushed into the bedroom and took out the ring that I had bought him
a few months ago before we drifted apart. Then, I ran out to the dining
room, and knelt down in front of him. James laughed a little, but he sat
down on the chair like I did previously.
      "James Bradley Dayton, through all these years, I feel so blessed to
have you in my life. You love me for me, and you've always been patient
with me; I know how stubborn I could be at times." James chuckled a little,
but his eyes never left mine. "Will you marry me?"
      "With all my heart." James cried a little, and I slid the ring into
his finger. Then, we kissed as the clock in the dining room struck twelve.
      "Merry Christmas, Mikey."
      "Merry Christmas, Jamesey. You're my greatest miracle this
Christmas. I love you."
      "I love you too." And we sealed it with a kiss.

*** December 25th 07:03 a.m. ***

James' Point of View:

      I woke up this morning with Michael's arms wrapped tightly around my
waist. Our lovemaking last night had been passionate and wild. As I lay
there in his arms, I thought about the things that I knew about our
relationship, and what I wanted to see in my future.
      I seriously considered the troubles that we endured, and also thought
of life without Michael. As I thought back to the night when I made my
decision to end our relationship, I felt his arms envelop me tighter, and
my heart sang with joy because that foolish decision would never be carried
out.
      I kissed the ring on my finger, and then snuggled closer to my
husband, my soul mate, Michael Brandon McCray.

~The End~