Date: Sun, 5 Feb 2006 06:10:45 -0800 (PST)
From: Lusty <lustyville@yahoo.com>
Subject: Not Quite Ashes-Part 1. When it Changed

I'm a 40 year old man haunted by memories from my past and
scenes from my present. I feel as if time has finally caught up
with me and my entire life is unraveling before my eyes. My wife
left me, my son doesn't want to have anything to do with me, my
daughter barely speaks to me and I can't hide behind my work
anymore. I worked 72 hour weeks for the entire time of my
marriage, which is another way of saying that I avoided my family
at all cost. I couldn't be around them because I thought they
might realize that I didn't belong with them, that there was
something wrong with me. Unfortunately, you can't hide forever.

     My life started out great. I had a lot of promise and I knew
the type of life I wanted and the type of father I was going to
be. In my mind, I would be that cool father who was always there
and easy to talk to about anything and never missed a game or
important event. I was going to be the type of father to my
children that I wanted as a child, but instead, I became my
father, minus the cheating. I would never cheat on anyone because
I saw the pain and torture that my mother endured as she stood by
my father, silently disappearing in his shadow. I am not capable
of inflicting that type of pain on anyone. At least that was what
I thought before my wife decided to leave me. "You don't love me
Daniel," she said one morning as I was preparing for work. I
wanted to tell her I did, but I knew I didn't love her the way
she loved me. I couldn't say anything and she didn't seem to want
a response. "It's okay Daniel, I've known for years that you
didn't love me. I know something is missing, and I know what it
is. You love him Daniel, just face it. I see the way the two of
you look at each other. You know I never see you smiling unless
he's around or you're talking to him."

     "Honey," I said before she interrupted me.

     She motioned for me to be quiet. "I'm tired of trying to
compete with him when it's obvious that there's no competition. I
know you haven't done anything with him. I know you couldn't do
that to me, but I also know that I can't continue to live like
this; like I don't see where your heart lies. I love you and I
know you love me, just not the way you love him. I don't want you
to stay with me because you feel obligated"

     I cut her off. "That's not why I stay."

     "Yes it is. You're a good man Daniel, you deserve to be
happy and I deserve to be with a man who loves me the way I love
you." I walked over to her on the bed and put my arm around her
as I sat down next to her. I looked at her face and noticed that
there wasn't a hint of sadness. I knew instantly that she had
been thinking about this for some time and she was finally ready
to let me go. I felt a tear escape my eye and fall down my cheek.
I didn't want to lose her or my family. "I'm going to let you go
Dan. I just want you to be happy and you can't do that with me."
She wiped the remains of the tear from my face, drying the water
and rubbing it in to my skin. "You're such a sweet man. I won't
keep you here anymore." She paused for a minute. "Don't worry, I
won't say anything bad to Danny or Katie about you, and I won't
tell them your secret. You can tell them whenever you're ready."

     "What secret? I'm not in love with him." I knew I said it to
convince myself, but part of me hoped that she would believe it.

     "Yes you are, Honey. Yes you are. It's always been him."

     "That's not true! Divorce me because I'm rarely ever at
home. Divorce me because we don't have sex that often. Divorce me
because I don't spend time with the kids, but don't divorce me
because of him. Don't do that. I don't want him."

     She pulled me in to a hug. "I know you haven't accepted it
completely, but I know it's the truth. He's your soulmate, not
me. Don't be afraid to love him. You deserve to be happy." I
started sobbing and we ended up on the bed with me cradled in her
arms like a baby. She just held me and rubbed my head. I never
made it to work that day because we spent most of the day with
her comforting me. When the day was over, I knew she'd always be
my friend. That was almost a year ago and we are now divorced.
She's dating a wonderful guy and she and I are still good
friends, and she kept her word about the kids. She tries to force
them to see me, but I'm a stranger to them. I was like a ghost in
the house when they were young and now they think they don't need
me. Ha, they don't need me, they're father! Danny's 15 and
Katie's 14 and I'm the enemy.

     Let me tell you how my life jumped off the tracks and my
heart veered off course. The night that changed my life forever
is still firmly planted in my mind. The images play over and over
in my dreams and my nightmares. I was 24, fresh out of a two year
MBA program, I had a great job waiting for me, I was engaged and
I was looking forward to the rest of my life. I had a bachelor
party the night before my wedding and I had a great time. I was
surrounded by friends and family and strangers with smiles on
their faces. A lot of my teammates from high school were there
and the majority of my college and grad school friends were there
too. The party was at a local strip club so the guys hired a
stripper to give me a lap dance. She was a good dancer and really
entertaining, but my eyes and heart belonged solely to Karen. I
didn't enjoy the stripper much, but I did enjoy the drinks. After
a few hours of festivities, it was time to call it quits and pray
that I didn't have a major hangover the next day. Luckily, the
wedding was scheduled for 5 in the evening with the reception
following immediately after.

     My best friend in the whole wide world, Jerry, took me back
to his place so we could crash. Jerry and I were like two peas in
a pod, we were best friends since kindergarten and we were
inseparable until we ended up at different colleges. Neither of
our families had much money so we had to go to the colleges where
we got the most financial assistance. It turned out to be a good
thing because I met Karen the first day of college, but it still
hurt like hell to not be able to hang out with Jerry. We talked
on the phone almost everyday and we talked about everything from
our current girlfriends, which for me was always Karen, to our
classes, to our hopes, to our dreams, to just holding the phone
and not saying anything because even the silence was enough as
long as we knew the other person was on the other end.

     Jerry returned home after college but I went to grad school
before returning home with Karen. Jerry and Karen had met several
times before when Jerry and I visited each other, and I sometimes
noticed a little tension between them, but I always dismissed it
as jealousy because Jerry felt like Karen was taking his place,
and Karen didn't understand why I spent so much time talking to
Jerry. She knew I would cancel a date with her in a heartbeat if
I thought Jerry needed me, and she hated being second.

     I never thought of Jerry as anything other than a good
friend until that night. He took me back to his place that night,
and as we were undressing in his room, he started wrestling with
me. There was nothing strange about it because we always horsed
around with each other. We ended up with him on top of me and me
pinned to the bed. He laughed, "Say Uncle."

     "Uncle." I conceded.

     We were both at various stages of undress, he only had on a
pair of boxers, but I still had my pants on. I can't move that
fast when I'm drunk. I thought I felt his dick pressing in to me,
but I pretended like I didn't notice it because that's what we
always did when one of us got hard while we wrestled. `Ignore it
and it will go away' was our unspoken code.

     Jerry rolled off of me and to my side. We didn't mind
sharing beds with each other or holding each other, because we
were completely comfortable with one another. He draped his arm
over my chest and looked up at my face. "Daniel."

     "Yes."

     "I love you," he said.

     "I love you, too." I told him.

     "No, I mean I really love you."

     "Aw, that's sweet. I really love you, too," I said putting
my arm around him and pulling him closer to me.

     "No, that's not what I mean." He hit me with the hand that
was draped over my chest. He looked away from me and rested his
head on my chest. I felt him shaking before I felt the first tear
hit my chest.

     "Don't cry Jerry. We'll always be friends. I'm just getting
married, that's all, you're not losing me." I thought that was
what he wanted to hear, like I said, I'm not that fast when I'm
drunk. What he was really saying flew right over my head.

     He sat up on the bed and his face hovered over mine. I saw
the pain in his eyes and I didn't understand. A few of his tears
slid off his chin and hit me on my face. I wanted to laugh but
even after all that alcohol, I knew this was not the time. "I
wish you were marrying me," he confessed as his lips lowered to
make contact with mine. We had kissed on the cheek and the
forehead before, but never on the lips. I opened my mouth and we
French-kissed for about 4 seconds before my brain caught up with
my body and I pushed him off.

     "What are you doing?" I shouted. I sat up on the bed and
rubbed my lips with my hand, hoping to wipe away his taste, but I
was too late, he had already made me his.

     "I love you Dan. I always have. I wish I could say I only
love you like a friend, but I'd be lying and I don't want to lie
anymore. Leave Karen and be with me."

     "I can't. I'm going to marry her tomorrow. How could you do
this to me? Why would you pull this shit now?" Needless to say,
his actions were having a sobering effect on me.

     "Because I couldn't sit around and lose you forever. I love
you Daniel, and I know you love me. I can see it in your eyes."

     "We're just friends." I stated. Then I had a thought, "What
about all those girlfriends you had in college?"

     "I lied, I only had boyfriends. I just told you girl names
so you wouldn't be freaked out."

     "But I met some of your girlfriends!"

     "No, you met some girls who were my friends, who pretended
to be my girlfriends because I asked them."

     "You lied to me! All this time you've been lying to me?" I
couldn't believe my ears. I thought we knew everything about each
other. I thought we didn't have any secrets and yet here we were.
"Did you think I wouldn't understand? My Uncle is gay! I don't
have a problem with gay people. You know that!"

     "I didn't think you would be able to deal with me being in
love with you," he sniffled.

     "Why now? How could you do this now?"

     "I had to."

     "No, you didn't! You could have kept your mouth shut! I
didn't have to know about this!"

     "Yes you did, because I can't be your best man tomorrow. I
can't do it. I can't give you away to her."

     "What?" I think that hurt me more than not knowing he was
gay and in love with me. "You have to be my best man."

     "I can't. I can't handle it."

     "You have to. If you love me as much as you just said you
did, you would do this for me, no matter how much it hurt you."

     He laid back on the bed and looked at the ceiling. I
watched as his tears began to stop. I didn't know what to do.
Most of me wanted to hold him and comfort him, but part of me was
still angry with him. He was supposed to be my best friend and
now he was trying to ruin my life. The worst part was that my
worst fear was losing him. I laid back down on the bed next to
him, pulled him to me and let him cry his heart out on my
shoulder. As much as I wanted to hate him, I couldn't do it, he
meant too much to me. I don't know how long he cried because I
fell asleep. When I opened my eyes in the morning, I was in the
bed by myself and he was gone. I felt like I had a migraine. I
sat up and was about to open my mouth to call out for him when
his room door flung open and I saw him standing there with a
tray. I watched as he walked in and sat the tray on the bed. I
wanted to say something to him, but I didn't know what to say,
part of me wondered if I had been dreaming.

     "Drink this," he said, handing me a glass of some weird
looking mess that he liked to call `The Fixer.' I never knew what
he put in it, but it always stopped a hangover dead in its
tracks. I took a few sips of the nasty stuff before gulping the
rest down.

     "Ahh!" I sighed. That stuff was rough going down, I never
liked the taste of it.

     "I'm sorry," he said.

     "Sorry for what?"

     "Last night. I shouldn't have done that to you. I know
you've made a commitment to Karen and you would never do anything
to hurt her. I shouldn't have put you in that position." I didn't
know if I should be relieved or scared that it wasn't a dream. If
it were just a dream, everything would be okay, and although I
was happy that I hadn't gone insane, I was afraid of what that
meant for us.

     "Don't worry about it, man. We both had too much to drink."

     "That wasn't it. I meant what I said, I just shouldn't have
said it." He looked at me and I looked away. "Well eat your
breakfast because we need to get to the church soon." He turned
to leave the room.

     "What time is it?"

     "2," he said without turning around. I watched him walk out
the room and quietly close the door. I really wished he hadn't
left me alone, but I couldn't tell him I wanted him to stay. I
sat and ate the breakfast he fixed for me. He was such a great
guy. So nice, and he was definitely easy on the eyes. I dropped
my fork when I realized how I was thinking about him. I hadn't
thought about him that way in years. I will admit that I had a
small crush on him for about a year when we were younger and I
was trying to figure out who I was and what I was, but the crush
faded when I realized that guys like me can't be gay. Guys like
me have no choice but to be straight, I mean I wanted a wife and
kids and that was something only straight guys wanted, and I knew
Jerry didn't like me, so I finally managed to work my way out of
that silly crush. Now I wondered how silly it was. Maybe there
was something there, but it was too late for those thoughts. I
was going to marry Karen and that was it. I felt sick to my
stomach, not from the food, or the alcohol, but from the
realization that I might be making the biggest mistake of my
life. I felt a tear slide down my face and I quickly wiped it
away. I had to be a man.

     Jerry drove me to the church and we got ready. It was
awkward not saying anything to him, but neither of us knew what
to say so we just let the silence speak for us. Everyone wanted
to know why I was acting so strangely and joked with me about
having cold feet, but I told them I was fine. As Jerry and I
stood at the front of the church waiting for Karen to make her
way down the aisle, Jerry leaned forward and whispered, "I'm
doing this for you Dan, but it's killing me." I couldn't look at
him, I just shook my head to acknowledge his words. During the
wedding, Jerry cried more than my mother. He wept fairly silently
minus the occasional sniffle. After the minister pronounced me
and Karen husband and wife, I turned to look at Jerry. His face
was pink, his eyes were red and his cheeks were wet from all the
tears. He stared back at me for a second before he mouthed, `I
love you' and turned his head.

     A lot of people told me how sweet it was that Jerry was
crying and how friends like that don't come everyday and how
beautiful it was to see a man so in touch with his emotions and
at peace with them. Some people thought he was crying because he
was happy for me, while others thought he was crying because he
was losing his best friend. They were all wrong. I was afraid of
what he might say when they asked him to give the toast at the
reception, but he did okay. He had cleaned his face and pulled
himself together and he grabbed the microphone and said,
"Attention, attention everyone. It's time to toast the bride and
groom." The crowd was quiet. "I have known Daniel since I was
five years old, and I have loved him ever since. He's the type of
guy you can't help but love. He's kind and gentle, strong and
humble, intelligent and driven, dedicated and faithful, and
loyal, and most importantly, not too hard on the eyes." A few
people laughed a little. "I always knew he would end up with
someone wonderful, because he's too great to settle for anything
less and although it's breaking my heart to give him away and
lose him like this, I can't imagine losing him to a better
person. So, congratulations you two. Now go make us some babies!"
I don't think anyone realized how wonderful he was. I had broken
his heart and here he was, giving me away and holding everything
together. I knew in that moment that I had done the wrong thing
because my heart sank. I looked at Karen and noticed she had a
strange look on her face. I managed to force a smile. After our divorce,
Karen told me that was the moment she realized she would have to
fight for me.


Copyright Lustyville 2006
Please send comments to lustyville@yahoo.com
and check out my yahoo group at:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lustyville.