Date: Thu, 6 Dec 2007 23:12:25 -0800 (PST)
From: Lusty <lustyville@yahoo.com>
Subject: Not Quite Ashes-Part11. Daddy's Little Girl

     I had convinced myself to tell Katie the truth about my
relationship with Jerry but that didn't stop my heart from racing
when she walked towards the car. Her face was contorted in a
scowl and she was power walking towards me. She opened the car
door and sat down in a huff.

     "Hey honey, how was your day?"

     Her eyes squinted and my little angel sprouted horns. "Let's
just get this over with."

     I tried to pretend my feelings weren't hurt by her
contemptuous tone. "It'll be fun," I assured her with a strained
smile stretched across my face.

     "Whatever. I still don't understand why Danny doesn't have
to come too. It's not fair."

     "I wanted to spend some one on one time with you."

     "Why do you want to torture me?" she mumbled.

     I had enough of her mouth. "Have you always been this
bratty?" I asked.

     She shot me a look that threatened to sear a hole in to my
head. "Nice Dad, nice." She rolled her eyes and let out a long
sigh before looking out the window. I put the car in drive and we
rode off in a temporary silence. I wondered how long she could
refrain from expressing her unhappiness. Her silence lasted about
two minutes and then she said, "You know you don't have to take
me out to dinner just so you can tell me you're gay."

     I pulled over and my foot hit the brake before I had a
conscious thought. "Danny told you?"

     "No, he didn't have to tell me. I'm not stupid Dad. Everyone
knows. How could you embarrass me like this?"

     "Embarrass you? How have I embarrassed you?"

     "The whole school knows you're gay. Couldn't you at least
stay in the closet or be discreet about it? Did you have to visit
every gay place in the city? God what's wrong with you?"

     I was completely surprised that people at her school knew
about me. In my mind, my adult world never crossed with their
world, but then I remembered that Danny heard about me before I
told him and I wondered how much kids really knew about their
parents. "There's nothing wrong with me," I told her.

     "Okay Dad, you keep telling yourself that."

     "You think there's something wrong with me?"

     "You're a sick freak. How can you like another guy? It's not
right."

     "Who told you that?" I knew it wasn't Karen because Karen
had been very supportive and encouraging of my relationship with
Jerry.

     "Nobody told me, I just know."

     "Maybe you should wait until you're older to make a final
decision on that issue."

     "I don't need to wait. What you're doing is wrong. If you
don't want to hear what I have to say then you can turn the car
around and take me home."

     "Taking you home would be a reward. We're going to go to
dinner and talk about this." I put the car back in drive and
continued in the direction of the restaurant. She sucked her
teeth and sighed angrily. I was preoccupied trying to figure out
how to talk to her about Jerry. I assumed she would be like Karen
and Danny.

     "Dad, snap out of it."

     A horn blew and I looked up at the green light. I took off
slowly down the familiar road. I became fixated on the awful
truth that my own daughter was disgusted by me. After I parked at
the restaurant, I turned to Katie. She unlocked her door and was
about to get out. I grabbed her tiny arm and pulled her down in
her seat.

     She yanked her arm away. "Get your hands off of me!"

     "I have to ask you something."

     "What?"

     "Do you hate me now?"

     "I've always hated you." She pushed her door open again and
I grabbed her arm.

     "You loved me when you were a little girl."

     "I also loved eating dirt but I grew up. I'm not a child
anymore. I know I don't have to love you just because everyone
says I should."

     "So you don't love me?"

     "How could I? I don't know you."

     "I'm your father!"

     "You're a sperm donor."

     I was pleased that I thought through my actions because my
initial reaction was to hit her in her mouth but I was able to
control myself. I grabbed the steering wheel and squeezed it. I
was her father and she had no right to talk to me like that. I
knew I wasn't there for her and I knew I wasn't much of a father
but I was more than a sperm donor and I was honestly trying to
have an active role in both of my children's lives. "Let's get
dinner."

     Katie was out of the car before I reached to unhook my
seatbelt. Dinner was depressing. Katie only spoke to me when I
asked her what she wanted for dinner and what she wanted for
dessert. As the adult, I should have at least attempted to forge
a conversation with her; however, my heart was not in to any
discussion because I wasn't sure if I could handle hearing
anything else she had to say to me.

     I drove directly home after dessert. I had promised Karen
that I would come inside and talk to her for a few minutes, but I
didn't have it in me. I didn't want to be in the same house as a
child who hated everything about me. I needed to go home and have
a good strong drink. My cell phone started ringing five minutes
later.

     "Hello."

     "What happened?"

     "Katie didn't tell you?"

     "No, she came in and ran to her room. She won't let me in."

     "She knows about me and Jerry."

     "So you told her."

     "I didn't have to, she found out from some kids at her
school."

     "How did she take it?"

     "Karen she just ran in to her room and locked the door. How
do you think she took it?"

     "She's surprised right now. She'll calm down later and you
guys can talk about it again."

     "It's not only that. She hates me. She told me so herself."

     "Daniel please. How many times has she said that before?
She's a teenager. I probably hear it from her at least once a
week."

     "She's never said it the way she said it today. She meant
it, Karen. She meant it."

     "Well I'll go talk to her."

     "Don't bother. Let her have her time."

     "Okay. I'll give her today, but I'm talking to her about it
tomorrow. You're her father and she has to love you."

     "She doesn't have to love me. She's free to make her own
decisions."

     "Not as long as she lives under my roof."

     "Karen calm down. Maybe we can address this issue from
another perspective. She is growing in to a woman and we have to
let her think for herself. Right now, she thinks it's wrong for
me to be gay and she sees me as a sperm donor"

     Karen interrupted me. "A sperm donor! Please tell me she did
not say that to you! We raised her better than that."

     "No, you raised her better than that."

     "Daniel don't be that way. I couldn't have stayed home with
the kids if you didn't work so hard."

     The guilt from the years I spent as a phantom in my own home
began to take over. "Well I think we both know why I drowned
myself in work."

     "Daniel I can't talk to you when you're like this. Call me
later when you're in a better mood." I felt a sense of relief as
she hung up the phone.

     A few seconds later, my phone rang again. I stopped to look
at who was calling. "Karen I thought you told me to call you
later."

     "It's me, Dad."

     "Danny?" I saw the home phone number and assumed it was
Karen calling me but it was my son instead.

     "Yes it's Danny. Do you have another son you need to tell me
about?" He half laughed and then he was quiet. "Look, I overheard
part of your conversation with Mom. I should have warned you that
Katie has been a real b-i-t-c-h lately. I would say she's PMS-
ing, but that only lasts about a week and she's been this way for
much longer than that."

     "It's okay Danny, you didn't have to warn me."

     "But we're cool now. I should have given you the heads up so
you wouldn't be as optimistic."

     "Well thanks for calling. I'll talk to you later." I wanted
to rush him off the phone because hearing his voice was causing
my eyes to water.

     "Wait a second. Did she tell you about Kirk?"

     "Who?"

     "Her ex-bestfriend who turned out to be gay."

     "No, we didn't do much talking. Look Danny, I really
appreciate you calling, but I need to go."

     "Oh, okay. I'll call you tomorrow."

     "Bye Danny."

     "Bye Dad."

     He hung up the phone and I watched my old phone number
disappear from the small screen. Danny was the one I was the most
worried about finding out I was gay. I had assumed that it would
be harder on a son than a daughter. I smiled at how off base I
was. Danny was fine once we talked; it was Katie who couldn't
accept me. Maybe that Kirk boy had something to do with it or
maybe she really did think it was wrong. I didn't care what her
reasons were. I just wanted her to love me.

     I walked in to my apartment and the coldness taunted me with
memories of the night before. I had spent the previous night at
Jerry's house in his arms and it seemed unfair to return to my
apartment without him but I knew he was at work and I also knew
there was a cold mini-bottle vodka waiting for me with open arms.
I went directly to the kitchen and grabbed the bottle. The vodka
slid down my throat like cold water after a good workout. I
hadn't been able to enjoy the pleasures of alcohol because Jerry
was limiting my intake. Luckily he wasn't around and I could
drink as much as I wanted and I fully intended to do just that. I
polished off the bottle and then went back to the refrigerator to
get a beer. The beer tasted strange as it mixed with the traces
of vodka and that excited my taste buds and reminded me of one of
the many reasons I liked drinking. Drinking made me feel good.

     I finished the beer and grabbed another beer and walked to
the living room so I could relax on the sofa. I was halfway done
with my beer and contemplating what to drink next when my phone
started ringing. I didn't want to talk to whoever it was so I
stayed on the sofa. I had about a good swallow of beer left by
the time the incessant ringing started to drive me crazy. I
picked up the phone and said, "I'm busy," and hung up. I wasn't
drunk. I just wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. The buzzer
rang. The fifth time it went off I stood up and walked over to
use the intercom, "I'm not home."

     My phone started ringing again and suddenly stopped which
reminded me of a scene from a movie. I halfway expected to hear a
knock on the door. I jumped when someone knocked a few minutes
later. I sat the bottle on the table and went to the door and
opened it. Jerry was standing there staring at me and he looked
pissed. "You're up here drinking, aren't you?"

     "You're supposed to be at work."

     "Karen called me." He walked in and closed the door. "She
said things didn't go so well with Katie and judging by the
bottle on the table I'm assuming she was telling the truth."

     "Dammit Jerry, I only had one beer. Stop insinuating that
I've been in here drinking away my sorrows like some kind of
pathetic drunk." I wondered if he could tell I was lying about
only having one beer.

     "I'm not trying to insinuate anything." He lightly pushed me
towards the sofa. "Now have a seat and I'll go fix us something
to drink."

     I sat on the sofa, "I'd like a rum and coke please."

     He raised an eyebrow and said, "Well you're getting a
regular coke."

     "Will you at least put some ice in it?"

     "One coke on the rocks coming up." Jerry left me sitting on
the sofa and went in the kitchen. I was itching for another
drink. I didn't have to swallow the alcohol; I could swish it
around in my mouth a little and think about swallowing it. I
closed my eyes and realized I was kidding myself. If I had
alcohol in my mouth I would have to swallow it because the taste
and the feel of it going down was the most satisfying part short
of the euphoria associated with losing a firm grasp on reality.
"Here you go."

     I opened my eyes and Jerry was standing over me handing me a
glass of coke. I took the glass and had a few sips. "Thanks."

     He sat down next to me. "So what happened with Katie?"

     "She hates me."

     "No she doesn't."

     "I wish people would stop saying that. Yes she does. She
hates me. She hates that I'm gay and that I was never there. She
called me a sperm donor."

     Jerry almost choked on his drink. He coughed a few times.
"Really? She said that to you?"

     "Yes and it's not funny."

     "It is funny. How old is she now?"

     "14."

     "She used to be a little angel, didn't she?"

     "I wouldn't know."

     Jerry put his arm around me. "Don't be so hard on yourself."

     "I'm not. Who was I kidding thinking that everyone was going
to react well? I envisioned her hugging me and kissing me on the
cheek and telling me it was okay and instead she practically
slapped me across the face and spit on me."

     "I'm sure she'll come around. She was probably just
surprised."

     "She wasn't. She already knew."

     "How?"

     "The good old rumor mill. Some kids at her school told her.
I still don't know how they knew."

     "Oh Karen didn't tell me that part, but hey Katie was most
likely upset that she heard it from the kids at school before she
heard it from you. That had to be rough."

     "You're making an excuse for her?"

     "No. I'm trying to help you see her side."

     "She's my little girl," I said.

     "I know and she'll always be your little girl. Give her time
to adjust and I'm sure everything will work out."

     "Well at least you're sure. I'm not so positive about that."

     "You don't have to be because I'm sure enough for the both
of us." He sat his drink down on the table and grabbed the
remote. "So what are we watching tonight?"

     "Your choice."

     He smiled. "Let's watch something happy because you're
depressing me."


c Lustyville 2007
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