Date: Sun, 7 May 2006 16:12:49 -0700 (PDT)
From: Lusty <lustyville@yahoo.com>
Subject: Not Quite Ashes-Part 5. Some Alcohol to Clean the Wound

     Everything was supposed to fall in place, instead nothing
was going right. I was sitting in my apartment alone and
frustrated by the recent turn of events. Jerry had only been gone
for about ten minutes, but I felt as if my world was crashing
down around me and he was the one responsible. He admitted that
he never stopped loving me, but then he said he wanted to take
things slow. We've lost 16 years and he wants to take things
slow.

     I looked at my computer and I started feeling angry. Jerry
had no right to tell me that we couldn't be together. He wanted
me. I wanted him. It was that simple, but he was trying to make
it something complicated. I sat there for a long time staring at
my computer and picturing different scenarios for me and Jerry.
Each scenario ended with us together and then my mind would jump
back to reality and I would think about the words he said to me.
Why had things gone so wrong?

     The longer I sat there, nursing a bottle of Merlot, the more
upset I became until I reached a point where I said forget about
Jerry. He wanted me to wait until he called me so we could
schedule some time out but I had never spent my life waiting for
anyone, and I wasn't going to start. If he couldn't give me what
I wanted, I would find it somewhere else. I walked over to the
computer and sat down, hoping to find a little piece of happiness
on the internet. I went to one of my favorite gay sex sites,
looked over several pictures and watched a few short videos, but
nothing was exciting me. My mind was still focused on Jerry. I
closed the site and shut down my computer. "Dammit!" I said as I
stood up from the computer.

     I needed to do something before I drove myself crazy
thinking about him. I went and showered before putting on some
clothes. I had been researching the local gay scene and tonight
seemed as good a night as any to try to explore a little. I put
on some cologne and went to my mini bar. I finished the Merlot
before I left. I knew I couldn't handle a gay club, so I went to
check out a gay friendly bar instead with the hope that I would
be able to find someone to spend the night with. One night stands
had never been my thing because I didn't like the idea of being
with someone I didn't know and trust, but for the first time in
my life, I thought a one night stand was just what I needed. I
didn't want to make a love connection or have a heart to heart
talk. I didn't want to look in someone's eyes and see their soul,
I just wanted to have sex with someone and satisfy my urges. I
had never had sex with a guy before, but I figured I knew what to
do from the videos and my only goal was to get off. If Jerry
didn't want to be my first, I would find someone who would.

     I left my apartment and reached the bar about 30 minutes
later. I got out of the taxi and walked in the building as if I
owned it. I sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. I had only
taken a few sips, when a man who looked around my age sat down
next to me. "I'll have what he's having," he told the bartender.

     I wondered if he was attempting to make a pass at me, but I
didn't know how those things worked so I sat there. I looked over
at him a few times, but he didn't say anything to me. After a
while, I assumed he didn't mean anything by his comment. I waved
to the bartender so I could order my second beer.

     The bartender walked over and the man next to me said, "We'd
like another round and put it on my tab."

     "Okay, Jack," said the bartender, "but don't get carried
away tonight. I'm not carrying you out to the taxi."

     "Come on, Ian! You're supposed to be my friend," Jack looked
at me, "If your friend had one too many, you'd at least help them
get in a taxi, wouldn't you?"

     "I'd do more than that," I told him, "I'd make sure he got
home safely because I'd want him to do the same for me."

     The bartender dropped our bottles in front of us. "Looks
like you've found a nice guy tonight, Jack." The bartender winked
at me.

     I smiled and Jack said, "Don't mind him. He's just teasing
me because I don't come here to pick up guys. I come for the
company and the ambiance." He made a gesture with his left hand.
I glanced at my beer and he must have noticed because he told me,
"No strings attached. I can look at you and tell you don't need
me to buy you a drink, but you do look like you need some
company."

     "It's been a long day," I confessed.

     "I can tell." He lifted his bottle. "Let's toast to finding
all the answers in the bottom of the bottle."

     "I'll toast to that, but I'm not much of a drinker."

     "Neither am I," he said as our bottles touched.

     We exchanged names and then talked about our respective
careers, television, the city, but nothing too personal. I drank
the second beer fairly quickly and I paid for round three for
both of us. We alternated paying until we somehow lost track of
whose turn it was to pay. "So, Ian, whose turn is it?" I asked as
Ian sat down my beer.

     "It's yours." He told me as my eyes traveled down his body
and I realized he had taken his shirt off.

     "What happened to your shirt?" I asked.

     "I spilled some drinks on it."

     "Just like he does every night," Jack told me.

     "You old geezers need some eye candy," he said with a smile
on his face.

     "I'm not that old," said Jack as he made a face like he had
eaten something sour.

     Ian leaned forward, "Come on Jack, you know you're the daddy
I never had."

     The smile returned to Jack's face. "Oh, does that mean I can
take you home and spank you?" he asked.

     "Not after last time." Ian told him as he stood up and
rubbed his butt. "My ass still hurts."

     Jack let out a hearty laugh and said, "You're such a tease."

     Ian smiled at him and laughed as well, "That's why you keep
coming back."

     Some guy called Ian from the other side of the bar and he
left us. I watched him walk away and my eyes traveled to his
butt, which I hadn't noticed before. `He looked like he could be
fun,' I thought.

     "Don't even think about it," said Jack, "he always leaves
alone."

     "I wasn't thinking anything," I told him.

     "Is that what you're here for? You don't seem like the
type."

     "I don't know what I'm here for. I came for sex, but I don't
think I can do it."

      "Why would a nice man like you want to pick up someone
here?"

     "If you can't be with the one you love, why care who you're
with?"

     "Now we're talking," he told me. "So who hurt you?"

     "No one."

     "Not even your wife?"

     "What?"

     "You keep playing with your ring finger."

     "I'm divorced," I said.

     "I got divorced 5 years ago when I finally accepted that I
was gay." I didn't say anything. "Okay, my wife walked in on me
and my boyfriend at the time."

     I spat out some beer. "She caught you!"

     "Worst experience of my life, but it forced me to admit the
truth." He looked over at me. "So what happened with you and your
wife? Your boyfriend called her?"

     I didn't know I had so much to say, but I started telling
him everything about Karen and Jerry and I gave him an overview
of the last 16 years. We had three more beers while I told the
story. "And that's when I decided to come here," I finished.

     "You don't need a one night stand. Wait for Jerry because I
guarantee he'll be back."

     "I know, but he didn't have to walk out on me the way he
did."

     "You hurt him repeatedly for 16 years. He loved you and you
knew it, but you put his happiness and your happiness second to
your image. I can't knock what you did because I did the same
thing, but I didn't take my best friend along for the ride."

     "So you think I'm wrong?"

     "Hell yes!"

     "Oh, maybe I am. Who knows?"

     "So you love him?"

     "More than anything."

     "But you waited until your wife set you free? I don't think
I could have waited if the man of my dreams was hanging around
all the time."

     "It took a lot of praying and meditation."

     "I'm sure." He looked at his watch. "Well I'm about to leave
and I think you might want to come along, too." He leaned towards
me, "People tend to get a little desperate after a certain time."
He flagged down Ian and we both squared our bills.

     I didn't know how drunk I was until we stood up and I had to
lean on Jack for support. We decided to share a taxi and
somewhere between the bar and the second streetlight, we decided
to go back to my place. My apartment wasn't as depressing when I
walked through the door with someone.

     We went to my room and I wasn't sure where the night would
lead, but I wasn't afraid. Jack had won my trust and he seemed
like an okay guy. He surprised me when he pulled me in to a kiss.
I tasted the beer on his tongue. I pushed him back and said, "I
can't handle doing anything."

     "I know," he told me. "I just thought we could comfort each
other."

     "Why do you need comfort?" I asked.

     "Because I don't like feeling like I'm all alone."

     "I know how that feels," I said.

     "Just for tonight, can we pretend to be perfect for each
other? I don't want to have sex with you. I just want to hold
you, that's all."

     "You lead," I said. The alcohol was starting to make me
tired.

     He kissed me. I closed my eyes and he was Jerry. He pushed
me away from the kiss and got on my bed, motioning for me to join
him. He put his arms around me and I was asleep a few minutes
later. I woke up wrapped in his arms and while it wasn't the
place I wanted to be, it was definitely an okay place for the
moment. I still hadn't relieved myself, but I knew there was time
for that and I was grateful to Jack because if he hadn't bought
me that drink, I would have mingled with the crowd and probably
ended up going home with someone and waking up the next morning
full of regrets. I added Jack to my list of people to thank once
I got my life together because he was surely one of my guardian
angels. As I mentally added him to the list, I wondered if we
would keep in contact. I hoped he would because we had so much in
common, but I feared he wouldn't because both of us were
emotional wrecks. `Great, a one night companion,' I thought as I
felt him stir behind me.


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