Date: Sun, 9 Jul 2006 05:04:26 -0700 (PDT)
From: Lusty <lustyville@yahoo.com>
Subject: Not Quite Ashes-Part 6. Everything Has a Purpose

     Jack stayed for breakfast and we had a nice long chat about
his life and his loves, along with his heartbreaks. My pain over
Jerry paled in comparison to the suffering he had endured in his
lifetime. It seemed that the men in his life were always hurting
him and he was always taking them back. He told me that his wife
caught him with his boyfriend because his boyfriend called and
told her what time they would be together. His wife didn't
believe the guy but she went to check anyway and discovered the
two of them in bed.

     "Weren't you upset with him when you found out?" I asked as
he tried to gloss over that part of the story.

     "I was upset at first but I soon realized he did me a
favor."

     "He didn't do you a favor. He betrayed you."

     "That's not how I see it."

     "You seem like you can see the bright side of hell."

     "If you look for the good, you'll find it. Every situation
is a life lesson and every person who enters your life has a
purpose."

     "Don't quote fortune cookies to me."

     "I'm not quoting anything. I really believe that. I guess
you can call me an optimist."

     "Well I wouldn't talk to some of the guys you still talk to.
I don't take being hurt very well."

     "So Jerry shouldn't talk to you?"

     "Huh?"

     "No one should have to go through the type of pain I'm sure
he felt because of you, but you still want him to forgive you and
love you as if nothing has changed."

     "That's a different situation."

     "Yeah, Jerry is playing my part." An awkward silence
followed that comment. He was right and we both knew it. I
treated Jerry like garbage and I expected him to bow at my feet
and be grateful that I wanted him. He was better than that, and
he deserved better.

     "You're right."

     "No, I'm not. I didn't mean it," he said.

     "Yes you did, and you're right. Jerry deserves better so
let's leave it at that."

     "Well I should be getting on my way." He stood up at the
table.

     "I enjoyed your company," I told him as I looked in to my
coffee.

     "You did?" he asked with genuine surprise in his voice.

     "I know we're not going to agree on everything, but that
doesn't mean I never want to talk to you again."

     "I'm free for dinner tomorrow," he told me.

     "That would be nice." I stood and walked him to the door.
"Wait, I don't have your phone number." I left him standing there
as I went to get a pen and a piece of paper. I got back and he
laughed.

     He handed me his phone. "You can put the number in here."

     I blushed from embarrassment as I sat the pen and paper on
the table by the door. `I'm too old to blush,' I thought. I
grabbed his phone and put my home number and my cell phone number
in it. I passed him the phone back and said, "I still don't have
your number." I picked up the paper and the pen and handed it to
him. He sat the paper on the desk next to the door and wrote his
number.

     When he finished writing his number, he grabbed the paper
and handed it to me. "See you tomorrow."

     I opened the door and I watched him walk down the hallway. I
was happy to have made a new friend. He seemed to expect nothing
from me and I expected nothing from him, I liked that and I
looked forward to seeing him again. His presence had lifted my
spirits.

     Jack and I went to dinner the next day and we talked like
old friends. He told me I needed to work on my relationship with
my children while they were still young. "If you don't try to fix
the problem now, you may lose them forever."

     His expression changed to one of sadness, "Do you have
children?" I asked.

     "I did. I do. My wife and I married young because I got her
pregnant. I have a 27 year old son and a 23 year old daughter. I
don't think the girl is mine, but that's a completely different
story. Anyway, I never spent much time with them and I stopped
talking to them when their mother left me. I should have forced
the issue, but I was too busy dealing with my own shit to try to
fix the mess I made with them. I know things have worked out for
the best because my children are both happy and healthy, but
sometimes I regret not being a part of their life. They don't
invite me to anything. It's like I don't exist." He took a sip of
his beer. "Don't make my mistakes."

     "I thought you were an optimist."

     "I am, that's why I know things will change one day and my
children will forgive me. I'm just trying to save you the
struggle of years without them, because it hurts like hell to
know my children hate me. I don't think my son would give me a
sip of water if I was dying of thirst."

     "It can't be that bad."

     "It is, but I'm okay with it because things can only get
better."

     "I guess that's one way to look at it."

     "It's the only way." He drank some more of his beer. "Did
Jerry call you yesterday?"

     "No."

     "He'll call soon."

     "How can you be sure?" I asked.

     "You seem like too good of a guy to let get away."

     "Thank you, but I'm starting to realize that I'm not that
wonderful."

     "You've got your faults, but they're worth overlooking."

     "Are you hitting on me?"

     "No, I'm just giving you a compliment. You've already told
me where your heart lies and I appreciate that. We're both in
love with other people, that's why talking to you is easy. I know
you don't want me, and I hope you realize that while you are very
attractive, I don't want anything from you except friendship.
Don't get me wrong, you seem like a great guy, and twenty years
ago I would have said, `Screw love! Let's have a fling' but I am
older and wiser and more capable of recognizing a friend when I
meet one. If my compliments embarrass you or make you
uncomfortable tell me and I'll stop."

     "I'm not uncomfortable. Besides, who doesn't like getting
compliments?"

     I put my glass of wine to my lips and took a swallow. "I
can't believe you've never had sex with a man," he whispered.

     My eyes got wide and it took all of my concentration to
swallow the wine without choking. "I can," I joked as I sat down
my glass. "What made you think of that?"

     "You emanate sex."

     "Hahahaha." I looked up at him. "Oh, you're serious?"

     "Yes."

     "Well I can honestly say I've never heard that before."

     "People are probably too afraid to tell you. You don't come
off as the friendliest guy."

     "I don't?"

     "No, you come across like a very standoffish type of person.
I almost didn't say anything to you at the bar, but you looked so
lost that I had to say something because I was curious about what
brought you out that night. You're not the barstool type. At
least you don't seem like the type."

     "So what do you think of me now?"

     "You're a great guy. You just need to loosen up."

     "All this in the short amount of time that you've known me?"

     "I'm a good judge of character," he told me.

     I laughed. "Not from what you've told me about your ex-
boyfriends."

     "I'm a fixer, I can't help it. If the person isn't screwed
up, I don't want them. It's messed up and I wish I could find
someone normal, but something in me is attracted to wounded dogs.
I always think I can nurse them back to health, and they always
turn around and bite me in the ass."

     I laughed some more. "At least you know your problem. How
long are you going to pine after this current guy?"

     "Until he realizes we should be together and he leaves his
wife." I rolled my eyes at him. "I know he's never going to leave
her, so don't you dare open your mouth and say those words.
Everyone I know keeps telling me, but I love him and nothing he
does will change that until it's time for me to fall out of love
with him."

     "Well what made you fall in love with him?"

     "The way he looked at me like I was the only person he saw.
I believed the lies his eyes told me until I spotted him with his
wife one day and saw that he looked at her the same way he looked
at me. The bad part was he told me they were separating. Ha,
yeah, guess the joke was on me. I'll never forget how my heart
hurt when I saw them, but I just turned my head and walked away.
I never confronted him about it and that was a year ago."

     "When was the last time you saw him?"

     "Last month. He doesn't think we should see each other too
often."

     "How can you put up with him?"

     "Love makes you do some crazy things."

     "Too many people say that. You romantic types need to give
it up and realize that love is what you make it. I'd never lie
down and be someone's whipping boy because I love them."

     "That's not what it means. Love takes your mind and body to
a whole new place and you're willing to do things and say things
and put up with things just so you can keep that feeling."

     "That still doesn't sound right. Think first, that's all I'm
saying."

     "You mean to tell me that you've never loved someone enough
to put yourself out there and risk being hurt?"

     "I'm not a masochist. I wouldn't put up with someone hurting
me. We've had this discussion already."

     "Okay, so if Jerry came in here right now and told you he
would be with you forever if you told everyone in here that you
loved him, what would you do?" I stopped to think about it.
"Don't say anything," he said, "the fact that you had to think
about it speaks volumes by itself."

     "I wouldn't do it though."

     "Maybe not today, but I'm sure you'd be willing to do it one
day."

     "I don't think so."

     "I do. I think you love him more than even you realize and
that's why you went to the bar the other night looking for a one
night stand. It wasn't about you. It was about him. You wanted to
hurt him and the best way you knew how to do that was to go out
and sleep with another guy. If I hadn't been there, you
undoubtedly would have found someone willing to take you up on
that offer, and I'm sure you would have had sex with him and then
called Jerry to tell him all the lurid details."

     "Thanks for the psychoanalysis, but you couldn't be more
wrong. I was lonely and I wanted to be with someone, it had
nothing to do with Jerry."

     "It had everything to do with him, but either you're too
dumb to see it, or you're too stubborn to admit it."

     "Where do you get off thinking you know me so well? You
don't know me!"

     "Everything I know about you came straight from your mouth,
so if I don't know you, you're the one who led me astray." I
grabbed my wine glass and drunk the rest. "The only reason you're
getting so agitated is because somewhere inside you, you know
that I'm telling you the truth." He took a swallow of his beer.
"You have no problem telling me what's wrong with me, but when I
tell you something about yourself, you get pissed off. If you
don't want to know what I think of your life, don't tell me what
you think of mine. I'm screwed up, I know that, I don't try to
pretend I'm not, but I also don't try to jump down people's
throats when they tell me I'm screwed up. You're in love with
Jerry, you know that, I know that, hell you told me that, but
he's never going to want to be with you if you don't change. If
you love him, just love him, don't think about it, don't plan it,
just do it. Your problem is you try to control how much you love
and how hard you love and that's not fair to anyone in your life.
Shut down your brain for a goddamn day and open your heart. I
think you might be surprised by what happens."

     I looked at him in awe. His voice had remained calm
throughout his speech and yet his words felt like daggers
chipping away at the protective layer of ice that shielded my
heart from feeling real pain. "You're entitled to your opinion,"
I told him, trying to pretend that his words had no effect on me.

     "And you're entitled to pretend that the truth doesn't hurt,
but you might want to wipe away that tear that's falling down
your face."

     I wiped away the wetness on the right side of my face.
"There was something in it," I explained.

     "Yeah, your ego," he responded before he reached for his
wallet.

     "What are you doing?" I asked.

     "I've obviously said too much and I hate to overstay my
welcome."

     "Don't leave on my account," I told him. I didn't want him
to stay, but I didn't want him to leave either. I wanted him to
sit there and ignore me and that's what he did until we finished
our food. The silence should have been uncomfortable, but it
wasn't. I paid for the food when the bill came and we stood up to
leave. We reached the street corner and he turned to walk in the
opposite direction. "We should do this again," I told him, trying
to let him know that I truly meant it.

     "Okay," he said and then he turned around and kept walking.

Copyright Lustyville 2006
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