Date: Mon, 2 Oct 2006 17:28:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: Lusty <lustyville@yahoo.com>
Subject: Not Quite Ashes-Part 7. Freeing the Truth

     I talked to Jack a couple of times over the next week. I
would never admit it to him, but I liked the way he called me on
my shit. Everyone before him had just bowed down before me and
taken it, but he gave as much as he took.

     I was parked on the sofa in my living room trying to figure
out what to do with my weekend. Jack had assured me that Jerry
would call, but he hadn't. I spent most of my evenings after work
waiting by the phone, staring at it. Trying to will it to ring. I
called him a few times but he didn't answer. He knew I couldn't
live without his friendship and yet he denied me even that.

     The phone rang about 10:00. "Hello."

     "Hi."

     "Jerry! How are you? Where have you been? Are you okay?"

     "Of course I'm okay. I just needed some time away from you."
The sound of silence invaded our conversation.

     "So? Um"

     "Do you want to do something tonight?"

     "Sure! That would be great. I'd love too." I knew I sounded
like a kid in a candy store, but I was too excited to hide it. I
couldn't wait to see him.

     "Okay, I'll be over in about forty minutes."

     "Okay."

     "I'll see you then."

     "Okay." He hung up and I held the phone to my ear trying to
somehow hear his voice again. I missed his voice. I missed him. I
ran around my apartment like a chicken with its head cut off. I
picked out some clothes to wear, showered, put on the clothes,
and then called Jack.

     "This better be good," he said answering his phone.

     "He called!"

     "That's great."

     "He's coming over this evening!"

     "I'm happy for you! Now did you forget where I said I was
going to be?"

     "Um. Oh shit! I'm sorry Jack. You enjoy your date. I'll talk
to you later."

     "Thanks. Bye."

     He was gone and I was back to running around my apartment.
An hour later my phone rang. "You're late," I said to the person
on the other end.

     "I know. I'm downstairs."

     "Okay, I'll buzz you up."

     "No, I don't want to come up. I'll wait for you down here."

     "Alright, give me five minutes."

     "Okay."

     I gathered my things and poured myself a glass of wine. It
seemed I was drinking a lot lately. I downed the glass and went
to meet Jerry. He was standing outside the building, smoking a
cigarette. I grabbed the cigarette out of his mouth and threw it
on the ground. "You're not a smoker," I told him.

     "Thanks and you're not a drunk."

     I put my hand over my mouth and nose and smelled my breath.
"I had a little wine."

     "Fine, I had a little cigarette."

     He sounded agitated so I tried to remove the scowl from my
face. "When did you start smoking?" I asked in the most polite
voice I could muster.

     "About three minutes ago. I was fidgeting around like a
crazy person and some guy offered me a cigarette to calm my
nerves. The thing really was disgusting, but I do feel better."

     "Yeah, toxins entering the body can have a calming effect."

     "It's my first time."

     "No it's not." I told him with a smirk on my face.

     "Oh come on. We were twelve, that doesn't count!"

     "Yes it does. We hated it. We swore that we would never
smoke a cigarette again."

     "I'm not going to start smoking. This, whatever it is, is a
one time deal."

     I smashed the cigarette with my shoe, killing the smoke. "I
hope so."

     "Where are we going?"

     "You called me. You decide."

     "Typical Danny."

     I took a step back and smiled at him. "Wow, when was the
last time you called me that?"

     "I know. It's Dan or Daniel"

     I interrupted, "No, it's not that. It sounded nice. It
reminded me of when we were younger, happier. What idiot ever
told you not to call me that?"

     The tension on his face finally vanished and he smiled at
me. For a second we were both fifteen again. "I don't know what
idiot told me that, but he sure looked a hell of a lot like a
younger version of you."

     I was taken back to the memory of that night. We were
relaxing on my bed just talking about life. "You can't call me
Danny anymore," I said out of the blue.

     "Huh?" He looked over at me and our eyes locked.

     "I can't be Danny."

     "Well who are you going to be?"

     "Dan or Daniel."

     "But everyone else calls you that."

     "I know. You're the only person who still calls me Danny,
and it's such a childish name. We're both becoming men now, but
when you call me Danny I still feel like a kid."

     "Oh." He looked like I had ripped his heart out. He turned
his head and the rest of the night was extremely awkward, but the
next day, everything went back to being the same, and he made a
conscious effort to call me Dan or Daniel.

     I never told him the real reason I didn't want him to call
me Danny. The truth was that I realized I would never be with him
and that I had to bury all those strange feelings I had for him.
My heart melted when he called me Danny, and in my teenage head,
I rationalized that having him call me what everyone else was
calling me would somehow lesson the effect. I was wrong.

     "What are you thinking about?"

     I was staring in to Jerry's eyes. "Nothing."

     "Yes you were. Your mind was a million miles away, but you
don't have to tell me where you were. I was asking you if you
wanted to go to our usual place."

     "Yeah, that's fine, let's go." We hailed a taxi and went to
our favorite sports bar. We sat down at a table and I felt sick.
Our first date and neither of us had anything to say. "I don't
mind if you call me Danny."

     "I don't know if I can, I'm so used to calling you Daniel.
Danny just slipped out earlier."

     "It slipped out because it was right." I was trying to tell
him that I was his Danny. I was always his Danny. I'd give
anything for him to let me be his Danny again. Everything was
perfect when I was his Danny. I reached across the table and
grabbed his hand. He quickly pulled his hand away.

     "So what are we eating?" he asked changing the subject and
avoiding my gaze.

     "The usual."

     "I guess that's fine for you, but I think I'll try something
different today."

     "Are we still talking about food?"

     "Yes."

     "Oh."

      "I don't want the usual. I want to taste something new. I
think I saw a special" he grabbed a small menu, "there it is. I'm
going to try that," he told me as he pointed to some odd looking
picture. He stopped some waitress and ordered our food and some
beers. She brought our beers and I finished my first one in about
a minute.

     "Why didn't you believe me?" I asked him.

     "Are you okay? You're acting strange."

     "I'm fine, just thinking, a lot of thinking. I told you when
I was on my honeymoon that I thought I made the wrong choice and
you told me to stay with Karen. Why did you do that?"

     "It was the right thing to do. I knew how important you
thought commitment was so the moment you said, `I do,' I said
`goodbye.' I didn't mean it, but I had to do the best thing for
you, and you needed a family more than you needed me. I didn't
want you to second guess your choice."

     "I wasn't second guessing, I was trying to right a wrong."

     "While on a honeymoon with your wife! What was I supposed to
say when you told me you loved me? `Great! Fly back here and
leave the broad there!' I could never say anything like that."

     "I know, I just wanted you to know that you are just as
responsible as I am for us not being together. If you had told me
you loved me I would have flown back immediately."

     "And broken Karen's heart, while simultaneously ruining your
life."

     "But we would have gotten through it."

     "Let's not do this, Daniel."

     "Do what?"

     "Rehash the past. It's over, now let's move on."

     "But I"

     "Daniel!"

     "Fine, let's not talk about it, but only if you start
calling me Danny again." I pouted. He laughed.

     "What? Stop joking around. If we're going to have an
argument about the past, we need to work through it like adults."

     "I don't want to be an adult anymore."

     "You're 40 years old. It's not optional."

     "I was trying to be an adult back then when I told you not
to call me Danny, but I don't want to be that person anymore.
That person isn't who I thought he would be. I always loved the
way my name sounded when you said it and Danny was your special
name for me. I thought if I had you call me what everyone else
did that the effect would be gone, but it wasn't. It never
mattered what you called me because I got goosebumps just hearing
you say my name. It took me almost a year to work through those
strange feelings that I had for you."

     "What is this confession time or something?"

     "I guess."

     "Is there truth serum in that beer?" He jokingly grabbed my
second beer.

     "No, I just want to tell you everything. When you called me
Danny earlier, I thought about when we were younger and we were
just happy being together. Things have really gotten screwed up
over the years."

     "When did you really know?"

     "Know what?"

     "That you loved me?"

     "The first time I had those kind of feelings for you, I
wasn't sure it was love. It felt like it and I thought it was but
I was too young to know. We were around fourteen and we had gone
to the city pool, but you wanted to shower at your house. You
walked out your bathroom with only a towel on, and I had seen you
completely naked before, but something about you standing there,
excited me. You stood in the door and absent mindedly rubbed your
chest. `So what are we going to do now, Danny?' you asked me as
you walked in the room. I had to catch my breath and I didn't
understand why my heart was speeding up, you were just Jerry.
That was the first time I realized I was attracted to you as more
than a friend. I wanted nothing more than to rip the towel off of
you and make out with you on your bed."

     "You remember that day?"

     "Like it was yesterday." Our eyes met for the first time in
what seemed like ages. "Almost every time you said my name after
that, I was turned on. It was a stupid crush and it took me
forever to suppress it."

     "I wish you hadn't suppressed it. I was attracted to you
since we were twelve. That's why I suggested we stop showering
together because I was afraid you would catch me staring at you.
I remember that day after we went swimming. I walked in the room
and the look you gave me sent a chill up my spine. I thought
maybe you could be interested, but I was too afraid of losing you
to say anything. I hoped something would happen, but nothing ever
did."

     "It's amazing how fear can change your life. I was too
afraid of not having the American Dream and you were too afraid
of losing me."

     "Everyone has something they fear."

     "I know."

     "So what do you fear now?"

     "That you won't want me and I will end up alone."

     "Wow, honest and direct. What has gotten in to you?"

     "Jack."

     "What?"

     "I have a friend named Jack and he's always honest with me.
I find it refreshing and I'm trying to be more like him, but
don't tell him that when you meet him." Jerry smiled. "I want you
to know what's going on with me. I don't want to keep secrets
from you anymore."

     Jerry's smile faded. "Okay, if that's the case, there's
something I need to tell you."


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