Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2006 05:39:05 -0800 (PST)
From: Lusty <lustyville@yahoo.com>
Subject: Not Quite Ashes-Part 8. Bite Your Tongue and Move On

     I sat across from Jerry, waiting for him to drop the
bombshell on me. "I didn't leave to be a guest professor," Jerry
said and then he stared down at the table.

     "What? What were you doing then?"

     "Well about a year ago, I started feeling strange. You kept
telling me I looked tired. I felt tired, too, like life had
beaten the crap out of me. I waited to go to the doctor because I
thought I might have"

     "AIDS?" I interrupted.

     "HIV, but yes, I thought I might test positive."

     "You had unprotected sex?"

     "Not on purpose. The condom broke."

     He didn't look at me when he said it. I slammed my fist
against the table. "Goddammit Jerry! Stop talking to the table
and look at me!" I wanted him to tell me to my face that I was
losing him before I even had a chance to have him.

     He looked up and our eyes locked. "Fine, I'll look you in
the eye while I tell you what happened, but you have to promise
not to interrupt me."

     "Okay, just tell me how sick you are." I wasn't sure what I
should feel, I wanted to be sad for him, but I couldn't stop the
twinge of anger that was brewing in the pit of my stomach. How
could he not tell me?

     "I didn't have it, okay? I went to the doctor and tested
negative, and the doctor suggested I have some other tests done.
They discovered a mass growing in my left kidney."

     "Oh, Jerry," I sighed as the sadness and anger were overcome
by sorrow.

     "They couldn't tell if it was malignant or benign, but they
were sure it was going to get bigger and it could potentially
cause some major damage. I had two options: they could give me
some drugs to shrink it or I could have the kidney removed. They
explained that having my kidney removed was probably the best
option because if the tumor was malignant it could spread. I've
never been much of a risk taker, so I decided to have my kidney
removed. A few days later I noticed there was some blood in my
urine. A couple days after that, it was painful to use the
bathroom because bigger globs of blood were trying to come out. I
panicked and went to the hospital. They told me the mass in my
kidney was bleeding in to my bladder and had caused a blood clot.
I spent the night in the hospital."

     "Why didn't you call me?"

     "You promised you weren't going to interrupt."

     "Sorry."

     "To answer your question, I didn't call you because I didn't
want you to know. Now back to my story. The next day, I was
sitting in my hospital bed waiting for the nurse to come in and
tell me I could leave, when who should walk by my room, but
Karen."

     "What, Karen knew about this and she didn't tell me?"

     "Shut up and listen before I change my mind about telling
you. I saw Karen and I wanted to crawl under my bed and die. She
came in and asked what was wrong with me and I told her I might
have cancer. She wondered out loud why you hadn't told her. I let
her know that I hadn't told you and I made her promise not to
tell. She said you deserved to know because you loved me more
than anything in the world, but I told her I would be fine and I
wanted to deal with it on my own. Then I said, `What kind of
husband or father would Daniel be if he knew I was sick? You know
what a worrywart he is. He would insist on being with me
throughout the procedure so he could make sure nothing went
wrong. I would never do that to your family. You and your kids
need him more than I do.'" I smiled because he knew exactly what
I would have done. "She surprised me when she said she wasn't too
sure about that, but I didn't press her on the issue. I told her
I would think of some way to explain my absence. We talked a few
minutes longer before she excused herself to go visit the friend
she was coming to see in the first place."

     He stopped talking as our waitress returned to our table
with our food. "Would you men like anything else to drink?" she
asked.

     "No, thank you," we both replied. She turned and walked
away.

     "So you left because you were sick?" I asked him. I tried to
hide the annoyance in my voice, but I don't think it worked.

     "Yes. I'm sorry I lied to you but I thought I was doing the
right thing by your family. You're my best friend and I wouldn't
want to be the person responsible for ruining your marriage."

     "But I called your hotel the first week and then your
apartment."

     "You called the hospital the first week and then my friend
Tom's house. He was gracious enough to take care of me while I
healed."

     "So your surgery was a success?"

     "Yes. The only downside is that they did a biopsy on the
kidney once they removed it and they discovered that it was
malignant. Now I'm scared I may wake up one day and find that
another part of my body has cancer."

     "You'll be fine Jerry. You have to be."

     "I know, because the great Daniel Court wills it so."

     "That's not how I meant it."

     "Of course not, but it's how it sounded." He took a swig of
his beer. "Now you know my secret and I'm guessing the reason why
Karen let you go. I was too stupid to tell you I was sick, and
you were too scared to tell me you wanted to be with me. I guess
it served us right to be lonely for those months."

     "Guess so," I told him as I watched him drink some more
beer. "Should you be drinking that?"

     "As long as it's in moderation."

     "Okay, just don't go dying on me," I joked. He didn't laugh.
We focused our attention on our food for a few minutes. "Jerry."
He looked up. "I'm glad you told me."

     "It feels good to have it out," he paused, "No more secrets
now, right?"

     "Right." I wanted to scream at him, I wanted to smack him, I
wanted to hug him, I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to tell him how
much his existence meant to me, but instead, I let him carry the
conversation to the topic of sports.

     When we left the sports bar, we decided to walk around a
little. "Well, what do you think of me now that you know my
secret?" Jerry asked.

     "I want to kill you for lying to me, but I still love you."
Jerry stopped walking, so I quickly added, "as a friend."

     "It's okay Daniel. You can love me as more than a friend.
Just don't try to get frisky." He laughed and I laughed, too.

     We walked around the city for a long time and suddenly found
ourselves in front of Jerry's house. "Looks like I walked you
home," I said.

     "Yeah, it does." I walked him to his front door and that's
when the awkward feeling took over my body. "Relax, I'm not
inviting you in," he teased.

     He pulled me in to a hug and I squeezed him tight. When we
began to part from the hug I had to almost bite my lip to keep
from trying to kiss him, but I didn't want to run him away.
"Well, goodnight," I said before I turned to leave.

     He grabbed my shoulder. "Daniel."

     I turned around. "Yes?"

     He kissed me. No tongue, just our lips touching. "I had a
good time."

     "Me too."

     I watched him open his door and walk in his house and I was
glued to my spot. "Call me," he said.

     "Okay." He closed his door and I stood in that spot for a
few minutes reliving our first date. Of course it hadn't gone the
way I would have liked, but it was more than okay and to top it
off, he kissed me.

     I was startled when the door opened. "How long are you going
to stand there?" he asked with a smile on his face.

     "I just wanted to see you one more time. I'm leaving now," I
told him as I winked.

     "Smooth lines don't work on me, I'm too old," he said.

     "Bye Jerry." I turned and started walking away.

     "Bye Daniel."

     I was tempted to call a taxi and have one pick me up, but I
wanted some time to think so I decided to walk to my place
instead. I was about halfway home when my phone rang. "Are you
still on your date?" Jack asked.

     "No, I'm headed home. How was your date?"

     "Why don't you walk across the street and have a beer with
me and we can compare notes?"

     "Across the street from my apartment?"

     "No, from where you are right now. Stop walking and look
over." I looked across the street and there was a man standing on
the corner, waving.

     "Do you see me?"

     "How can I miss you? I'm on my way." I hung up the phone and
walked across the street. "Hey Jack!"

     "Hey! Come on let's go in one of these bars so I can tell
you about my date and you can tell me all about yours."

     We walked in the closest bar. "Have you ever been here
before?" I asked.

     "I was in here about ten minutes ago with my date, before he
ran off with a younger version of me."

     I laughed as I sat down at the bar. "You're joking."

     "No. Well not about my date running off, the other guy was
young, but nothing like a younger version of me. He was much
cuter and way more open than I have ever been."

     "You sure can pick them."

     "I know." We ordered our drinks and then he said, "My date
was a long eventful evening capped by the great escape. I thought
we were having a good time. We went to dinner, then we went to
the movies and then we came here. I guess coming here was a
mistake." He smiled. "Well that's my evening in a nut-shell, now
tell me about you and Jerry because I'm dying to hear the
details."

     "We did a lot of talking. It's a long story and I don't want
to bore you with the details so"

     "Bore me? Come on, just tell me what happened."

     "Okay." I told him the whole story from the conversation
outside my building to the sports bar and the walk to Jerry's
house. We washed down several more beers before I finished.

     "Wow, he kissed you?"

     "Yes."

     He finished his beer. "That ex-wife of yours is something
else. She knew he was sick and didn't tell you?"

     "She promised him she wouldn't, and to be honest, I think
that's why she let me go. She probably thought I would run to
Jerry and tell him I loved him but it didn't happen that way. All
this time I thought she let me go so she could be with her new
man but that wasn't it at all. I was lucky to marry someone like
her."

     "So you're finally jumping aboard the Jack train of
optimism, huh?"

     "No, nothing that extreme," I chuckled.

     "You will one day, just give me time. I know I can convert
you."

     "We'll see."

     "We will indeed. Excuse me for a minute. I need to visit the
men's room."

     "Okay."

     I finished my beer and was about to order another one when
the guy on the other side of me said, "Why don't you let me get
the next one?"

     "Oh that's okay. I can get it."

     "You sure?"

     "Yes I'm sure, but thank you for offering."

     He held out his hand. "I'm Bill by the way."

     I shook his hand. "Nice to meet you Bill, I'm Daniel. Do you
come here often?"

     "No, I'm just here because I had a fight with my girlfriend.
She caught me with," he leaned in closer, "my ex-boyfriend." He
leaned away a little. "She knew I was bisexual going in to the
relationship, I don't know why she's making such a big deal about
it. Do you?"

     "Why are you asking me?"

     "That's his lame ass way of trying to pick you up," said the
guy sitting next to him.

     "What?"

     "He's been eavesdropping on your conversation and he knows
you're gay. We both think you're cute for an older guy and after
he finishes beating around the bush, he's going to ask if you're
going to come back to my place with us for a little fun.
Unfortunately, I don't want to sit here for the hour it's going
to take him to ask you, so I'm cutting to the chase. Are you down
or not?"

     "Down?"

     "To leave with us?"

     "Um, I don't know what to say." I was flattered that two
attractive young men wanted me, but I knew I wasn't ready for
anything and even if I was ready, I wanted Jerry. The combination
of my intoxication and looking at the two of them and picturing
them doing things to each other and possibly me was stirring an
involuntary reaction in my pants.

     "Sorry boys, he's leaving with me tonight."

     "Oh, sorry, I thought you two were just friends," said Bill.

     "We are," I confessed, "that's why he's making sure I behave
myself. I'm kind of seeing someone."

     "That Jerry guy, yeah I heard."

     "Wow, you really were listening, weren't you?"

     "I'm sorry."

     "It's okay."

     "It was nice meeting you. Maybe next time I see you, you'll
be unattached."

     "Maybe." The two guys stood from the bar and I turned to
Jack. "When exactly did you get back?"

     "Some where around `are you down or not?' They were cute,
but you're not ready for that."

     "I know."

     "Besides, you'd be the second guy tonight to ditch me for
young meat and I don't think my pride could handle that."

     "Given what you've been through, I think your pride can
handle anything."

     "True."

     I ordered another beer. "I've walked by this place at least
a hundred times and I never knew it was a gay bar. It's not even
listed."

     "It's not a gay bar."

     "Your date left with a guy and two guys tried to pick me up.
If this isn't a gay bar, what's going on?"

     "Gay people can't go to regular bars?"

     "Well, they can, it's just. I don't know. It seems odd."

     "Yeah, you definitely have some issues you still need to
work through." He laughed.

     "I do." I joined in with the laughter.

     "Maybe we should get ready to go."

     I finished my beer and closed my tab. As soon as I stood, I
knew I was drunk. I was stumbling and Jack had to help me stand
up straight. "I didn't realize I was this drunk." I told Jack as
we walked out the door.

     "You were knocking them back," he said. "But hey, it's not
everyday you find out your best friend had cancer and your wife
knew but neither of them told you." He put his arm around me.
"Just hold on to me and I'll get you home."

     He got a taxi for us and he took me back to my apartment. He
helped me inside and put me in bed. "Thanks," I told him as he
put a glass of water next to me.

     "It's not a problem. How do you feel?"

     "Embarrassed," I confessed.

     "There's no need for that. You had a long day."

     "I'm too old to get this drunk."

     "You're never too old to get drunk." He put a wastebasket
next to my bed. "Are you going to be okay here on your own?"

     "I'll be fine."

     "Alright, I'm leaving then. Call me if you need anything."

     "Okay."

     He stopped at the bedroom door. "You may want to call Jerry
and Karen tomorrow after you sober up." With that said, he turned
off the bedroom light and left.

     I was alone again.


Copyright Lustyville 2006
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