Date: Wed, 28 Nov 2001 10:57:44 +0100
From: "solark36@yahoo.co.uk" <solark36@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: Peng (Revised)

Disclaimer: This story is entirely fictional and not intended for minors or
those judged unable by law to read this material.  Any resemblance to
actual people is purely coincidental and unintended.

The author reserves all rights to this work.

PENG

PROLOGUE

He was gone; the love of my life was truly gone.  The illness had been
swift.  I do not know when he had contracted the disease.  The bacteria had
started eating up his body but he did not complain about the pain.  I had
noticed him limping a little but thought it was just rheumatism.  When I
realized that his limp had become worse, I called for the ambulance.  He
objected but gave in to my insistence.  His sixty-year-old body was too old
to resist the disease and in the end it took him.  Stupid man!  If he had
said something, he would have still been alive.  I had the money but not
the means to save him.

At the advice of a close friend and doctor, I got myself up to Edinburgh.
I was asked to take a holiday; "Get away from here for a few weeks and make
some new friends," he had said to me.  So here I was at a restaurant in
Edinburgh, early one Thursday night, trying to do just what the doctor had
ordered.

I first saw them at the restaurant.  One was about fifty and the other
seemed to be in his twenties.  They were laughing softly and talking.  They
seemed so happy together.  Seeing them happy made me sad.  Why did HE not
say something earlier and we could still be together?  I forgot that I was
facing their direction and the older one, who was seated facing me, locked
his eyes into mine.  I realized it quickly enough and turned away.

"Is there something wrong?" I heard a voice at my side.  I turned to see
the bluest eyes I had seen.  It was the younger man.

"Nothing," I attempted.  I guess he had seen my tears.  I did not even
realize that I had tears in my eyes.

"My partner had seen you looking at us and that you were crying," he
explained.  "I normally don't do this, but I sensed that you needed some
company."  He nodded his head at the direction of his partner.

"Thank you," I said.  "I'm sure that two of you had a quiet dinner in mind.
Don't let an old man spoil that."

The older man had walked over in the meantime.  He had heard what I had
said.  "We don't mind.  I just hope that we're not intruding."

I just smiled.  "No, no!  You're welcome to join me.  I'd like that, I
think."

"Then, let me make some arrangements with the waiter," said the older
fellow.  He moved to look for the waiter and soon the table had two extra
places set for the couple.

"You're Mr. Joseph Barker, aren't you?" the younger chap asked.

I was surprised.  I did not realize that there would be people who
recognize me.  I'm not a celebrity after all.

"Yes, you're quite right.  I'm Joseph Barker.  You're?"

"I'm Michael Watson," the younger chap answered, "and this," he continued,
pointing to his companion, "is Martin McBain."

"Very pleased to meet you," I said shaking Martin's hand and then
Michael's.  "Call me Joe."

"We will, thank you ... uh ... Joe.  I'm sorry if my friend here has
startled you.  T'was I who realized who you were.  I mentioned it to him
when I saw you."

The waiter came to confirm our orders.  We had ordered before we joined one
another.  When the waiter had left, Michael made a bold move.

"Sir, sorry if I sound too forward.  Is there something wrong?  You did not
seem at ease just now."

I smiled.  "No, Michael.  I'm all right.  It was just that I was thinking
of a dear friend who died a few months back and I got a little sentimental.
An old man does lose control of his emotions: a fault of the aging
mechanism."

"Oh no, Joe," Michael said, "I consider that a man who is brave enough to
show his emotions is not less masculine.  Any way, he must have been very
dear to you..." Michael stopped quite suddenly as he looked up.  I turned
to see a frown on his companion's face.

"Sorry, Joe, my young friend here does get carried away trying to help. I
hope you forgive us if we've been intruding."

"Not at all.  My friend was very close to me.  We practically grew up
together.  However, I do think we shouldn't start our acquaintance by
discussing death.  We should be celebrating life, don't you think?"

Martin smiled when he saw how I had tried to move away from Michael's
topic.

"Yes, Joe.  Let's drink to life."  Martin raised his glass of wine and we
clinked our glasses and effectively moved to another subject.

We had a pleasant dinner and the two insisted on taking me out to lunch on
Saturday.  I accepted.


CHAPTER ONE: CHINA

I had just finished washing up and getting ready for bed.  I sat next to
the window and noticed the city streetlights.  I began to think of him
again.  There was no sadness, just a memory.  A memory of what his mother
had told me:

-----

Chang worked in a small merchant shop in Nanking.  He had head for numbers
and was quick with the abacus. His fingers seemed to be in a blur as he
flicked the discs, calculating the day's takings.  When he had finished he
handed the completed accounts to his boss.  His boss was very pleased with
his performance and promptly handed him his day's wages.

"Thank you, boss."

"You deserve it.  How long have you been with us?"

"This winter, it will be twenty years."

"That long, eh?  Heh heh ... my father had the good fortune of employing
you and that fortune is now mine.  Now get home to your family.  I'm sure
the little woman would have your supper ready for you."

"Thank you, sir."

Chang turned around to see Mr. Barker standing at the door.

"Good evening, Mr. Barker," Chang greeted his boss's regular client in the
few words of English he knew.

"Good evening, Chang," Mr. Barker replied.

"Boss," Chang called out in Chinese, "Mr. Barker is here."

His boss, Chen, quickly came out.  On his face was a great smile.
Mr. Barker was one of the more reliable foreigners in China.  He made his
payment promptly and was very careful in his dealings.  Unlike the other
foreigners, Mr. Barker made sure he understood the intricacies of the local
language and learnt the manner in which the business was run.  He never
treated the locals as inferior but treated everyone with respect, even the
humble clerk, Chang.

Chang left Mr. Barker and his boss to discuss business.  He made his way
back to his home and his family.  As he reached the house, he noticed that
the lamp was not lit.  He grew irritated that perhaps his wife had
forgotten to buy the oil for the lamps.  As he neared the front door, he
noticed that all was quiet.  He pushed the door and it opened easily.

A great fear befell Chang as he entered the house.  The first person he
noticed was his son unconscious on the floor.  He called out for his wife
but was greeted by the voice of his sixteen-year-old daughter.  Her voice
was quivering as she called out to him, "Father, Father, is that you?"

"Yes, child, what happened?"

The girl wept and began to relate what had happened just hours before.  A
group of ruffians broke into the house and beat up her brother.  It seemed
that her brother had offended one of the gangster's sons by not cheating in
a test.  They had beaten half the life out of him within minutes.  Her
mother and her had come to investigate the violent sounds that were heard
from his room.  When one of the ruffians saw her, he had a leer on his
face.  Her mother rushed to block the way of the man and was pushed away.
In the process, she struck her head against the wall and fell unconscious.
With a dagger pointed at her brother, she was forced to be quiet as she was
raped.  When it all ended, she was dragged into another room and beaten.
She pretended to faint and was left alone.  When she was sure that the men
had left the house, she tried to revive her mother but was unsuccessful.

Chang grew enraged.  His wife was dead, his son was unconscious and his
daughter was violated.  He wanted to rush out to avenge them.  He came to
his senses when his daughter pleaded with him to try to save the boy first.
He knew what had to be done.  He told his daughter to throw on a cloak.
Then he lifted up his son and led his daughter towards his working place.

Mr. Barker and Chen were just finishing their business talk when Chang
arrived.  Arrangements were made for a physician to see both children.
Chen brought Chang to the local magistrate to launch a complaint.  When all
that could be done was done, Chen brought Chang back to the shop.  It was
decided that Chang and his daughter should be put up in the shop.  It would
be safer as it was facing a very busy street.

Two days later, Chen came calling at Mr. Barker's.  Barker was putting up
at a local inn.

"Mr. Barker, I have come to humbly request your help.  It is a question of
life and death," Chen said.

"What is it Mr. Chen?  If I am able to help, I will certainly do so."

"You have finished your business here?  You will leave tomorrow morning?"

"Yes.  I've already finished.  I can actually leave immediately."

"Mr. Barker, Chang's situation has gotten worse.  The magistrate is
corrupt.  I heard from a friend working in the courthouse that he will
issue a warrant for Chang's arrest tomorrow.  He is charging Chang with the
murder of his wife.  It seems that there are some who will be witnesses of
the crime."

"This is preposterous!"  Barker exclaimed in English.  Then, switching to
Chinese, he asked, "How can they do this?"

"They are going to charge him with incest, too.  They are going to insist
that he killed his wife because he was caught with his daughter."

"Nonsense!  How can they make up such a charge?"

"In time, perhaps the magistrate himself can be brought to justice.
However, until that is done, Chang and his daughter would be given the
death sentence for sure."

"What can I do?"

"I have purchased three train tickets for Shanghai this evening.  If you
could take them with you back to Shanghai, it would buy them some time.
Normally, they do not check the cars that are occupied by foreigners.
Furthermore, the warrant will not be issued until tomorrow and so Chang
will be safely on his way to Shanghai then.  The magistrate will not know
where to start looking.  I will be in your debt if you would agree.  Chang
is a good man and his daughter a good girl.  To have another tragedy occur
to the family would be a great shame indeed."

"Certainly," Barker said immediately.  He had already made up his mind to
help the clerk that he had come to respect.  He was a hard worker and an
honest man.  Barker was distressed that such injustice could occur to good
people.  He was ready to right any wrong.

"What about his son?"

"The younger Chang is with the physician at the moment.  He has not
regained consciousness and the physician fears that he won't survive.  Even
if he lives, he would be bedridden for the rest of his life."  Chen shook
his head sadly.  "Thank you for assisting us.  We are forever in your
debt."

"No, Mr. Chen, I'm greatly distressed by the tragedy that has befallen this
man.  I owe it to myself to help him out in some way."

Mr. Chen left the tickets with Barker and left.  About twenty minutes
later, the Changs came and hurriedly they left for the train station.

No one disturbed their trip to Shanghai.  It was at breakfast on the train
that a Frenchman mentioned to Barker that the Japanese naval fleet was
beefing itself up and there was a possibility that the Japanese were
thinking of invading the Korean peninsula.  Knowing the ambition of the
Japanese cabinet, it was just a matter of time that the Japanese would
reach the Chinese border.  With the disunity of the warlords in China at
the moment, China would be an easy target.  Although the official line
would be that the troops would be united in the event of an invasion, the
reality was that there were some warlords who were making friendly moves
towards the Japanese.

It was there and then that Barker decided that he should return to England.
When he got back to his car, he suddenly decided to bring his Chinese
charges back to England too, if they were amiable to the idea.

"Would you like to go home with me?" he asked in Chinese.

"I don't like to be a burden, Mr. Barker," Chang replied.  "We owe you so
much for allowing us to be in your car.  To put us up in your home would be
too much to ask of you."

"I mean that I would like for you to come back to England with me."

Chang became silent for a few moments.  "Mr. Barker, you are asking us to
leave our motherland.  Is there a reason for doing so?  Is it because the
situation is more serious than we anticipated?"

Barker took a deep breath and tried to explain the intricacies of
international politics and the seriousness of the situation in China.

"Chang, if I'd known of the news after we'd parted ways in Shanghai, I
wouldn't feel so bad.  Somehow, I feel that I should help you all the way.
If I'm wrong and the Japanese don't attack, I could book you passage back
here."

Chang was in two minds.  However, when he saw his daughter beside him, he
made up his mind.  "Thank you, Mr. Barker, I will take up your offer."

-----

My eyes grew heavy.  I looked at the clock and saw that it was already two
in the morning.  I decided to turn in.


CHAPTER TWO: EARLY MEMORIES

I woke up with the sun in my eyes.  I lay in bed for a few moments before
stretching.  I got up and got into the bathroom.  I took a look at the
clock and saw that it was already half past nine.

I took a piece of toast and a cup of coffee for my breakfast and left the
hotel.  I decided to take a walk in the nearby park and just have some
light exercise.  After all, fresh air and a brisk walk were good for the
body.  I walked for at least three-quarters of an hour and then decided
that I should take a rest.  My body no longer had the vigor of my younger
days.  I sat down at a park bench and my eyes began to wonder.  I saw
people walking and talking and some were just spread out on the grass for
some sun.  Then my eyes caught some children playing.  Their laughter
brought back very warm memories.

I must admit that my earliest memories did not involve my father.  They
involved Chang, or Uncle Chang, as I used to call him.  My father was
already married with three children when he returned from China with two
extra persons in tow.  My patient mother listened to my father's
explanation and accepted the two obviously different people into our home.
Things happened really quickly.  Within a month from my father's arrival
home, it was apparent that Aunt Mei, Uncle Chang's daughter was pregnant.
My mother helped her through a difficult time.  We moved to the country
because of the war and my father was called up to serve in the air force.
I was told by Aunt Mei that I was born about nine months after my father's
departure.  Needless to say, I was the product of a very passionate last
night for my parents.

My three older siblings were very different from me.  When my father left,
they took it really hard.  I never had the chance to experience the
separation of my father and I was the jolly little toddler to everyone.  My
oldest brother, William was ten when my father left.  He became sullen and
quiet until after my father returned.  I think he never recovered from that
separation experience.  My mother told me that even though his disposition
was better when my father returned, he was never the same happy-go-lucky
person that he was before.

My older sister, Harriet, came next.  She handled the experience in a
slightly different way.  She became very bossy.  She was only seven when my
father left.  I never liked her. She used to check on everything I did for
as long as I can remember, right until her deathbed.  I know she meant
well, but frankly, her methods left a lot to be desired.

My older brother Simon also became quiet but he was a gem of a son and
brother.  He became thoughtfully quiet, always unassuming and getting the
job done.  He was only six when my father left and he became the helper
around the house.  Though Uncle Chang was always around the house, Simon
became his shadow of sorts.  He would help Uncle Chang in the garden
growing vegetables or tending to the chickens.  He would help my mother
fold the washing when it was dry.  He was quiet, but hardworking.  I am
sure that he was Uncle Chang's favorite.  I know that Uncle Chang treated
Simon more like a son than his employer's son, though he would always refer
to my brother as "Master Simon".

And I?  I wasn't even born when my father left.  All I can remember now is
that I was a very happy child with Uncle Chang and Aunt Mei.  Most of all,
I had a good playmate, Peng.  He was the son born to Aunt Mei.  Though we
were different in appearance and age, we were almost inseparable.  Every
day we would be playing in the backyard under the watchful eyes of my
mother or Aunt Mei.  I can still remember the little wooden box that I was
placed in whenever I was in the backyard.  I wasn't allowed to move freely
because I was too young.  I was probably placed under the care of Aunt Mei
when my mother went out to work.  I do remember my mother and her warm
soothing voice that rocked me to sleep in the night.

My mother said that I was afraid of my father the day he came home.  The
war was still going on, but my father was injured by a grenade, and he was
discharged.  I never knew the full extent of his injuries until I saw him
without his shirt on when I was seven or eight.  The left half of his back
was scar tissue and it seemed to have stretched down to his left leg.  My
father walked with a very slight limp after the war.  We never mentioned it
to him, because his injuries made him very moody.  I was going to three
when he returned.  It was 1944.  I rushed to my mother's instead when he
held out his arms.  My other three siblings did the natural thing, and
hugged and kissed him.  I didn't.  I always wondered if that was why he
always seemed to dote on me a little more.  However, I warmed up to him
within a month or so, according to my mother.

My parents had two more children: a girl and then a boy.  When my younger
brother was only three, my older brother Simon died.  He had never been
strong in his constitution but he never let his pain or discomfort bring
anyone down.  He caught scarlet fever just after his fifteenth birthday.  I
remember that the doctor quarantined the whole family during the time.  My
father was out at work at the time and he had to live away from the family
for about three weeks.  None of the children, except Simon, of course,
showed any symptoms of the illness during the three weeks.  We were kept
downstairs and were not allowed to go upstairs at all.  We had to share the
one bathroom behind the kitchen.  All the boys slept in the living room and
the women and girls in the study.  Uncle Chang took turns with my mother to
look after Simon.  Usually, he would take the night shift and would sleep
upstairs.

Simon never recovered from the illness.  Even when the fever left him, he
was too weak to walk.  He remained in bed for four months before he died.
I know that my mother cried for days after his death.  I still remember the
day he died.

He had woken up very early that day.  Uncle Chang was still tending to him
in the nights.  Uncle Chang said that he awoke suddenly at about five, just
before the sun arose in late spring.  He looked over to see Simon looking
at him with a smile.  When asked, Simon said that he wanted to remember
Uncle Chang just the way he was, a caring and loving person.  Uncle Chang
just smiled and asked why he was up so early.  Simon mentioned that he
wanted to see the sun rise.  He asked Uncle Chang to bring him to the chair
to see the sunrise.  Uncle Chang carried him and placed him on his lap next
to the window and they enjoyed together the brilliant colors that
accompanied the dawn.  Uncle Chang brought Simon back to the bed and helped
him to wash up.  My mother and father came in just as Simon had finished
washing up.  They were also surprised that Simon woke up so early.  Simon
looked radiant and awake, unlike the usual weak pallor that he wore on
other days.

Uncle Chang excused himself to prepare Simon's breakfast and left the room.
My father and mother spent some time with Simon.  Simon made them laugh by
telling them a few jokes.  Till the day she died, my mother remembered
those jokes that Simon said.  Simon made a request of my father.  He had
wanted my father to come home early that night to be with him.  It was the
first request that he had made of my father since he was confined to the
bed.  My father agreed without a thought.  He was happy that Simon was
getting better.

Throughout the day, Simon made requests to meet everyone; even my younger
brother was asked to sit on his bed.  Simon always made him laugh and Simon
made a great effort to tickle him.  Strangely, little Raymond did not run
away but let Simon tickle him a little.  Both their laughter brought my
mother into the bedroom.  She chided Simon for not thinking about his
health and what that excessive laughter would do to him and Raymond for
misbehaving with his sick brother.  The tenseness disappeared almost
immediately when Simon apologized.  He had what my older sister would call
'puppy dog eyes' and my mother could never refuse to forgive Simon.

He talked to Peng and me for about forty minutes.  I don't remember most of
it but I do remember several parts of it.

"Most of all Joe, you must always treat Peng as an older brother, a friend
to be looked up to.  Never, promise me..." Simon said with a serious voice.

"I promise..." I said, feeling as if I was being scolded.

"You must never treat Peng as if he is your servant even though Aunt Mei
and Uncle Chang are really hired by Daddy and Mummy.  Peng is your friend.
I have watched both of you grow up together and you are great friends.  You
must never treat him less than a friend."

"I promise," I said meekly.  Frankly, it took me many years before I
finally understood what Simon actually meant by those words.

"Peng, you must promise me that you will never allow Joe to take advantage
of you.  You are two years older than him and you should not let him order
you around."

Peng just nodded his head.  He had always been careful around Simon and
William.  He was always more friendly with me, but he had begun to change
his ways a little then.  I did not really realize it, but it must have been
his grandfather who made sure that he did not get too friendly with me.
Uncle Chang is a very traditional Chinese man.  He considered it improper
for the help to be too familiar with the employers.  He owed a great debt
to my family and he did not want Peng to overstep his boundaries with
respect to his benefactors.

Simon just shook his head with Peng's response.  These next words I will
always remember now.

"Peng, you are going to be a great help to Joe.  I don't think he realizes
it yet.  I know you will always be his closest and greatest friend, but I
don't think he will always be yours.  Please don't ever not be his friend,
no matter how much he hurts you."

Peng answered, "Master Simon, your brother is very dear to me.  I promise
to always be his friend."

Simon was all right until half past six.  My father came back immediately
after work at about six and after washing up sat by Simon, talking to him
whilst my mother and Aunt Mei prepared dinner.  There was a sudden shout
from my father and that brought everyone to Simon's room.  Peng and I
reached there first and quickly moved to a corner when my mother arrived.

"He's fading fast!" my father said sadly.  "He made me promise not to be
too sad."  My mother just wept.  Aunt Mei immediately went down to call the
doctor.

"Daddy, mummy, please don't cry.  I'm all prepared to leave.  Please don't
make me feel sad leaving here," Simon said weakly.  It was clear that he
was struggling.  Then his breathing became very quick.  I was very afraid
then.  I remember feeling cold all of a sudden.  My father held one of his
hands and my mother held the other.  I held onto Peng who was beside me.
Uncle Chang ushered my brothers and sisters into the room.  The five of us
stood at the foot of the bed with the Changs behind us.  I don't remember
how long we just stared at Simon.  There was the doorbell, indicating that
the doctor was finally here.  Then we were all ushered out when the doctor
entered.  I think the doctor was not in the room for more than five
minutes, but it seemed like an eternity then.

When we were finally called to go into the room again, the doctor was
standing by the side of the bed with my parents assuming the places they
had before.  I could see Simon sleeping.  My parents released Simon's hands
and asked us to bid Simon goodnight.  Following my mother's instructions,
we planted a kiss on his cheek and said goodnight.

That was the last time I saw Simon alive.  The next morning, when Raymond
and I got out of bed, Simon was gone.  I was told that I didn't have to go
to school that day.  It was then that I knew for certain that Simon was
gone.

His funeral was a crowded one.  His schoolmates came.  My cousins, even
those that I've never met before were also there.  Many of the neighbors
came, too.  It was after the funeral that I found out that Simon had been
tending the flowerbeds of some of our neighbors.  He was indeed a
well-liked teenager.

The memories of Simon and Peng brought tears to my eyes.  If only my doctor
could see me now.  He had ordered me to get out of London so that I could
cheer myself up.  Unfortunately, I was crying again.

-----

After lunch at a small little cafe, I took a certain direction and started
walking.  After all, I did have the map with me and if I got lost, I could
grab a taxi and be back in my hotel easily.  There was no problem at all.

I walked, slowly taking in the sights and the beauty of the city.  I don't
know I ended up there, but I soon came towards the University.  I decided
that it was a good time to turn back and head back towards where I started.
As I walked, I saw students going to and from the University.  I began to
think about the ten years I spent in school.

I did not go to a very prestigious boarding school, but any boarding school
was considered an improvement over a public school.  After Simon died, my
father decided that Raymond and I should go to a boarding school.  That
meant that Peng and I were to be separated.  I was not happy with the
decision but dared not say anything.  In those days, we just did what our
parents decided.  I found out later that it was Uncle Chang's idea.

-----

"Mr. Barker," Chang came to the study one summer day, "may I have a word
with you?"

"Of course, Chang.  Come in."

"Thank you, kindly, Mr. Barker."  Barker had long stopped trying to tell
Chang to call him by his first name.  Chang had insisted that it would be
improper to call his employer by his first name.

Chang continued, "It's about Mei."

"Mei?"

"Yes, sir.  There has been an Englishman coming to see her quite often.
I'm afraid that he is quite smitten by her.  I do not know what to do?  I
do not know the ways of the English and I really do not know if he is a
good person.  Mei likes him but is also afraid.  He does not know that Mei
has a son born out of wedlock.  I suspect that he thinks Peng is my son.  I
was wondering if you could instruct me what to do.  I know that my daughter
should get married but I am afraid that if we are not careful, she might
make a mistake and then be in trouble again..."

Barker knew what Chang meant.  Since coming to England, the only experience
of English life that the Changs had was that with the Barkers.  A new
factor had entered their lives.  Whilst Chang had not expressedly opposed
the possible marriage of his daughter to an Englishman, Barker knew that
Chang wanted to protect his twenty-seven year old daughter as far as
possible.

"What is his name?  I will have a chat with this fellow and then come back
to you with the necessary information."

"I don't know his full name.  He is a helper at the greengrocers.  I
believe his name is George."

"George ... I think I know who you are referring to.  Do you wish me to
inform him of Mei's history?"

Chang thought for a short while before replying, "Sir, I believe that it
would be best.  Though that might spoil the chances of Mei being happy, I
believe that it would not be good to have secrets of this nature in any
relationship."

"Very well, then, Chang.  I'll talk to him before the week is over."

"Thank you Mr. Barker."

Barker had a long talk with George Taylor in a pub.  During the weekend,
after consultation with his wife and making some telephone calls, Barker
called Chang into the study.

"Chang, I have some good news and some not so good news."

"Yes, sir?"

"Well, George Taylor (that's his name) is sweet on Mei.  He's seriously
thinking of asking her out and even thinking of marrying her."

Chang just nodded his head and remained silent.

"He has no problems with Peng being Mei's son.  In fact, he was angry when
I told her of the things that happened to her.  On that account, I think
that George is a good man.  He doesn't believe that Mei was to blame for
what happened to her and he admires her courage for bringing Peng up.
However, things are not so rosy with his family.  His family is actually
not so keen of having a Chinese daughter-in-law.  They had actually tried
on some occasions to look for a match for him in the past.  When he met
Mei, he decided that Mei was the girl for him.  He took quite a lot of
effort to convince them that he wanted Mei.  However, if it be known that
Mei had a son, there'll be problems."

"So, what can we do?  I want Mei to be happy, but I do not want her to be
ashamed of her son."

"George has thought of a plan.  He's actually saved enough money to open
his own shop.  A friend of his in Reading is planning to retire in two
years and has offered the shop to him. Until then, he's to continue working
where he is and stay with his parents.  If Mei agrees to marry him, he and
Mei may have to stay with his parents after the wedding until the new shop
comes.  Between now and then, if no one breathes a word about Peng's origin
to anyone, he might be able to marry Mei and then get Peng to live with Mei
and him in Reading in two years time."

"It seems like a good idea.  However, how are we to prevent people from
asking about Peng?"  Chang thought for a while and said, "if we could send
Peng away to school, how good it would be?  However, I cannot afford to
send Peng to boarding school ..." Looking up, Chang saw something in his
employer's eyes and quickly continued, "Mr. Barker, please do not offer to
send Peng to school.  You have given enough to the Chang family.  It would
be a sin to accept more."

Barker anticipated this response.  He said to Chang, "I have a relative in
Reading who is living on her own.  A young student like Peng may be what
she needs.  She's not an invalid but a ten year old lad who can do some
chores and keep her company may be able to give some cheer to a sixty-four
year old woman."

Chang looked quizzically at Barker.  Barker explained with a smile, "I've a
cousin in Reading who is sixty-four years old.  She's a widow with a heart
condition.  She has no children of her own and doesn't want to leave
Reading.  I called her and explained the situation.  She's very willing to
help by letting Peng stay with her.  It's not going to be totally free, of
course.  You'll have to foot the fees for Peng in the school at Reading and
Peng will have to do chores in payment for his stay.  What do you say?"

"I think it is a good idea.  However, I don't know if Mei is up to the
idea."

Barker smiled.  He had already thought of Mei and asked his wife to help.
"Don't worry Chang, Evelyn is now talking to Mei."

Chang nodded his head in appreciation.  Barker had been more than an
employer; he had been a good friend.  Chang just didn't know how he could
repay Barker.  He also had a few suggestions of his own.  "Mr. Barker,
could I make a suggestion that may help more?"

"Let's hear it, Chang."

"So as not to make Peng feel as if he is being singled out, could I suggest
that Master Joseph go with Master William to the boarding school.  Then
both boys would not feel too sad.  With Peng going away, I'm sure that
Master Joseph would feel that it was not fair..."

"Capital!  This is just capital!  Chang, you think of the best ideas.  If
both have to go away to school, then the blow wouldn't be too great.  The
only thing we would have to explain is the reason why Peng has to go to
Reading instead.  This is capital!"

-----

So that was it.  I went to my boarding school in Wales.  It was a different
one from my oldest brother's school because he was preparing for his Senior
Cambridge Certificate.  I went to a school for younger boys.  I went to my
father's alma mater and Peng was sent to Reading.


CHAPTER THREE: SUMMERS OF YOUTH

When I went home in the summer of 1953, I discovered that Peng was no
longer staying in the house.  His mother and her husband of two years had
moved to Reading and Peng was staying with them.  It was a great blow to
me.  A great fear overcame me as I realized that things were going to
change and it was not always for the better.

I was consoled when Peng came to stay with us for a month.  Peng had become
more reserved.  He was not as physical with me as before.  He was also more
modest.  It was the hottest part of the summer and I was often without my
shirt.  We usually spent the days in the field behind the house and under
the shadiest oak tree there.  I would just remove my shirt because it was
so warm.  Peng, on the other hand, would not bare his body.  He would leave
an undershirt or singlet on.

One night, I woke up suddenly.  Peng was sleeping in the same room with me.
He was mumbling something.  I soon realized that he was dreaming.  I was
facing his bed when I opened my eyes.  Peng was probably having a dream.  I
was about to turn away when I heard distinctly, "Master Joe, I love you."
He said the last three words in Chinese.  I did not know much Chinese, but
I definitely knew what those Chinese words meant.  I had overheard Uncle
George ask Aunt Mei how to say it in Chinese and she told him.  That was
when they were dating.  I had heard him say it to her during the last
summer.  I was sure what those words meant.

I was awake for a while, trying to understand why Peng would say that.  It
was different from the word 'love' that Uncle Chang used on Peng.  There
was one word for love between parent and child or between siblings.  There
was another word for love between boy and girl, man and woman.  Peng had
used the latter.  In those days, homosexuality was almost never talked
about in England, at least not in my circles.  I was confused but like all
other things that puzzled me, I did not seek my parents.  I kept it in my
heart.  I wasn't pondering about whether there was such a thing as boy-boy
love, but I was wondering if I loved Peng the same way he loved me.

The next morning, I pretended that I heard nothing.  There was nothing to
indicate that Peng knew he had said those words.  After all, I learnt in
school that many people don't remember their dreams.  So, I was safe.

The rest of the month went on normally, except that I was usually quite
tired during the day.  I actually tried to stay up as late as I could to
see if Peng was having that dream again.  Needless to say, I did not hear
those words again, and as the month reached its end, my keeping vigil at
night caused me to be very lethargic in the day.  Peng was concerned that I
was getting ill but I attributed it to the hot and warm summer days.

Generally, Peng was fun to be with, though it would have been better if he
were less passive.  He made suggestions only when I had no ideas on what to
do.  He went along with all my decisions.  It was as if he were pampering
me.  I must admit that I liked it, though there were times when it was
annoying.

The month passed quickly and Peng had to go home.  Soon, the rest of the
vacation flew by.  I went back to school and continued with my education.
I had a few more summers with Peng, but each time he would seem more and
more formal with me.  He had always called me Master Joe because his
grandfather required that of him.  I tried to make him drop the 'Master'
part and just called me Joe, but he would always refuse politely.  I even
threatened to sever the relationship.  I remembered the sorrow in his eyes
when he said, "Master Joe, I can't disobey my grandfather.  Please don't
make me disobey him."  I gave up trying when I realized that I was actually
putting him in a difficult position.  That happened in my sixteenth year.

I entered the university in my nineteenth year.  I had put up a great
struggle to make it into the University.  I ended up with 'B.A. (Hons)'
added to my name.  During the summers, James, my boarding school friend who
had gone to Oxford, would often get me to go backpacking in Europe during
the summer.  Fortunately, I managed to spend at least two weeks with my
parents during the summer.

My grandfather had died when I was nineteen and had left my father a rather
sizeable inheritance.  My father had made some good investments and was
able to afford the cost of my travels.  Actually, he only paid for my
travel tickets.  James insisted on paying for the rest.  My grandfather had
also left a country house to each of his sons.  My father moved the family
to that country house.  Uncle Chang moved with my father.  My father had
told him that he could retire and stay with us but Uncle Chang politely
said that he would continue to work until he was unable to.  Throughout his
sixties, he was still able to manage the household, even though the house
was bigger and there were more staff.

I did not see Peng after I entered the university.  He was helping
full-time in his stepfather's shop and I discovered that Uncle George found
him a very great worker, just like his grandfather, Uncle Chang.  It was to
my greatest surprise that I received news of his marriage.

"Master Joe," Uncle Chang spoke to me a week after my graduation.  "My
grandson, Peng, is getting married.  His mother and I have found a wife for
him and he was agreeable to the match."  I instantly felt a flash of
jealousy.  Didn't Peng say that he loved me?  I quickly dismissed it as a
passing phase of youth.

"I would be honoured," Uncle Chang went on, "if you could come to his
wedding banquet."

"Of course," I answered.

I remembered the very interesting banquet.  Peng's bride was also Chinese.
Her family moved to England to escape the Maoist Communists.  Her family
was more fortunate.  They managed to come to England with a little money
and they had started a business.  The laundry shop they had was small, but
thriving.

-----

I was jolted from my recollections by a clap of thunder.  Rain was uncommon
during this time of year, but I was not going to challenge the signs of
nature.  I quickly moved myself from the bench that I was seated on and
walked briskly towards my hotel.  It was already four and I was just in
time for tea.


CHAPTER FOUR: MARRIAGE

I sipped my tea from the cup, watching the storm clouds form.  I have often
looked out of my window from my study when it rained.  The rain here and
that of London is different.  As I look, I remember the rain that fell when
I met my wife Marge.

My bossy sister, Harriet had married when I was eighteen.  She married
Lawrence Pike, whom everybody calls Larry.  He looks like a simple bloke
because he lets Harriet boss him around, but looks can be deceiving.  He
knows how to get Harriet to do what he wants without Harriet even knowing
it!

My brother William had gotten married a year after Peng's wedding.
Elizabeth was a very charming lady.  William courted her with a vengeance.
I must say that Liz was a good influence on William.  Due to her
insistence, he got familiar with the family business.  My father was
pleased and did not object when William approached him for his blessing to
be married to Liz.  Her father, I heard, was a hard businessman.  However,
the enthusiasm at which William talked about business won him over.  He was
convinced that firstly, William could hold out on his own, and secondly,
William was not marrying Liz for her money.

I had to cut my holiday short because of the wedding.  James was not
pleased that I had to leave earlier.  I managed to convince him that he
could still have fun alone in Paris.  It was there that he met his future
wife.  It was raining that day I got to the train station.  It was quite
full.  I managed to get to an empty seat.  Marge was seated across from me.
I was traveling alone and so was she.  I smiled and she smiled.  Somehow we
started talking and then exchanged addresses.  We corresponded for a year
before she hinted that she would like to go for a date.  I almost did not
get the hint if not for my younger sister, Rose.  Marge had mentioned
something about a flower show in three consecutive letters.  I had
complained to Rose that Marge seems to have nothing else better to say than
about flower shows.  She giggled and advised me to invite her for one.  It
was then that I realized what was happening.  I invited her for the show
and even out to dinner.  It was a weekend thing because she lived in
Manchester and I was working in London in a bank.  That was the beginning
of a long distance romance.  When I think of it now, I was attracted to
Marge's sense of humor and down to earth common sense.  She filled a gap
for me.  She was my companion and my confidant.  When we finally got
married, it was, for me, something that was expected of us as a couple
rather than because I was madly in love with her.

I was faithful to my vows on my wedding day.  I provided for my wife and
children; I did not look at other women; I had normal sexual relations with
my wife; I made romantic overtures to her; and I always included her in my
decisions.  I was certain that I was being the best husband that I possibly
could.

Peng's marriage, on the other hand, was a failure.  His, like all
traditional Chinese marriages of the time, was arranged between parents.
He only knew who his wife was when the match was confirmed.  He had no say
in the matter.  It was all arranged.  Peng took it as it was expected of
him.  Looking objectively at the situation, I must say that the breakup of
his marriage was inevitable.  Peng's wife was educated in one of the more
prestigious girls' schools in England.  She was not happy with an arranged
marriage.  She married Peng because her parents threatened to disown her.
After her second child was born, she met another man: an Englishman.  She
left with the man.

Peng was devastated.  He was left with two children.  His wife's parents
were too ashamed to meet with him and left him alone.  Feeling like a
failure, Peng moved back with his mother and stepfather so that his
children could be looked after.  Uncle George welcomed him with open arms
even when he had two children of his own to look after.  The love of Uncle
George for his stepson could also be seen in the love of his two sons,
Geoffrey and David, for Peng.  It was the care and love of the family that
brought back his spirits.

In the autumn of 1974, Uncle Chang had a fall.  In the process he suffered
a stroke and was paralyzed on the left side.  He was in the hospital for
about two weeks.  After the critical period was over, the doctor advised
that he be sent home.  Originally, Peng came to bring Uncle Chang back to
Reading.  However, my father thought it better if Uncle Chang stayed back
in the house.  The travel to Reading would be too tiring for him.  After
some cajoling, Uncle Chang agreed to stay in his room on condition that
Peng be allowed to look after him and take over his duties.  He did not
want my father to spend a single penny on a nurse for him.  Uncle George
reluctantly let Peng go.  When I heard the news, I left my three children
with my mother-in-law and traveled with Marge back to my father's house.
Marge had also grown fond of Uncle Chang because of his gentle and patient
ways.

When I first saw Peng, I was startled.  He had grown thinner and more
mature.  I had heard about his familial troubles from Aunt Mei and realized
that the trauma of the breakup of his family had given him more lines on
his forehead.  Uncle Chang lived another six months.  We all attended the
funeral.  According to Chinese tradition, Peng and Aunt Mei were to mourn
for two whole years.  I felt so drawn to comfort Peng because I knew how
much he had loved his grandfather.  However, he put on a strong front,
being the pillar of strength for his mother.  It was there that I met
Peng's two children: a boy and a girl.  The boy was named simply Foo, which
represents 'fortune'; and the girl was Hwa, which meant 'flower'.  They
were a lot older than my children, and like their father, they were serious
looking and silent.  I guess age made the difference because I found my
children very clingy, especially my youngest, who we had named after my
late older brother.

 After Uncle Chang died, my father gave Peng a choice to stay or to go back
to Reading.  Peng decided to honor his grandfather's wishes but wished to
be able to go back to see his children twice a week since it was not wise
to disrupt the lives of his children any further.  Thus, every Monday and
Thursday afternoon, Peng left for Reading and returned the next morning.

-----

All this time, William had his eye on my father's house.  Unlike my
grandfather, my father did not invest in three houses for his three sons.
As my father got older, he left more of the business to William.  William
visited the house more often and began to make life difficult for Peng.  My
mother first noticed it.  She tried to talk to William but was brushed off.
Knowing William's temperament, my mother did not confront him.  Instead she
had a long talk with my father.  After reaching a kind of solution, my
father called me to the study the next weekend I was there.

Marge and I made it a point to visit her parents every Saturday afternoon
and my parents the next day.  I was always glad to meet Peng, though he was
not very talkative, I would try to find opportunities to talk to him.  He
would make polite conversations with me but they were often short because
he would be needed in the various parts of the house.

"Joe, could you come to the study for a while.  I have something very
serious to discuss with you," my father said.

I entered the study with him.  My mother was quietly talking to Marge and
the children.

"Yes Dad, what's on your mind?"

"As you know, I'm getting on the years..."

"You're still healthy, Dad."

"Don't interrupt me, boy," my father said with a slight smile.  He always
had the same response from me when he mentioned his age.  "What I'm going
to say is important.  It may be unpleasant but it has to be said."

"Yes, sir," I answered meekly.

"First, I'm making you Executive Officer of SB Garments."  He paused as I
gasped.

"I thought William would be taking care of that.  Naturally, he is the heir
to the company."  I was surprised.  SB Garments was just a subsidiary of
Fenton Enterprises.

My father smiled.  "Dear Joe, you always had a better head than William for
business but you've never used your talents.  Instead, you stuck by the
bank and you're not even an executive yet."

"Dad..." I groaned.  My father and I had many little debates over my choice
of careers.

"I know that you're happy where you are and you're contented.  However,
making you Executive Officer of SB Garments is just one of the things I'd
like you to take up."

"What else is there in this 'surprise'?"  I emphasized the word 'surprise'.

"As you know, I inherited the smallest of your grandfather's companies: the
garment business.  I managed to buy into other types of businesses and the
other businesses are the money churning ones.  I think William will have
his hands full with the others and will get rid of it the moment he has a
chance.  He doesn't know it yet, but I'd separated SB Garments from the
rest of Fenton Enterprises about fifteen years ago, just as he was about to
marry Liz.  In effect, I own two companies, Joe.  William just does sales.
He knows nothing of the running of the company yet.  I will let him take
over the company next spring.  I'd like you to continue SB Garments.  It'd
be a shame if the company that has been in our family for almost two
hundred years was sold off just like that."

"But I know nothing about the garment business," I protested.

"You'll learn.  Look Joe, I know you can do it and you're not adverse to
it."  He waited for me to nod before carrying on, "I'm hopeful that you'll
turn the company into a very successful company.  Don't let me down Joe."

I sighed.  My father was laying a heavy burden on me.  Yet, I knew that he
was right.  I could achieve it if I set my mind to it.  "Alright Dad, I
accept."

"Good.  There's more..."

"There's more?"

"Yes, there's more.  I'm not giving you SB for free.  Raymond will have a
twenty-five percent stake in the business.  I've set the rules out.  If he
wishes to sell, he can only sell to you and no other.  Ever since he
decided to go into the entertainment business, he's had no security at all
in his life."  Raymond had decided to be a musician and was a trombone
player in the local orchestra.  He was not terribly rich, but he got by.

I nodded, agreeing with my father's decision.

"And Joe, as a special favor to me, please take Peng back as your butler."

That last request took me completely by surprise.

"What happened?  Did he do anything wrong?  Surely, you're not thinking of
giving him up?"

"Joe," my father sighed, "Years ago, I promised his grandfather that I'd
take care of his family.  That included Peng who was already conceived.
Peng has been an invaluable part of the household.  I'm very happy with his
work.  I'm asking you take over his employment because I fear that William
would give him the sack the moment he's able to.  I don't know why he's so
hostile towards Peng.  I'm asking you to help me fulfill my obligations.
When Peng lost his wife, George Taylor took him in.  Then, when his
grandfather died, Peng left George.  Though I know that George would gladly
take Peng back, I'm not sure that Peng would do that.  He'd think that he
was imposing on George.  He's so like his grandfather."

"But, I can't just accept Peng without consulting Marge?"

"Your mother is talking to her now.  Don't worry, I'm sure that with the
salary of an Executive Officer will be enough to pay for the salary of a
butler."  He smiled a little more before adding, "You'd better know this
too.  Your 75% ownership of SB Garments comes into effect three months from
your taking office.  I expect that you'll tender your resignation the
moment you go in on Monday?"

I nodded, "Yes.  I've to tender one month's notice."

"Good.  That is just enough time to handle the papers and think of a way to
break the news to William."

When I left Dad's study, I noticed that Marge was distant.  I moved to her
and asked if she was okay.  She looked at me in a strange way and asked,
"Did you engineer this?"

"What?"

"Did you talk your father into making Peng our butler?"

I stared at her in unbelief.  I was not sure what she was getting at.
"No," I said simply.

She stared into my eyes and then smiled a little.  "Sorry dear, I just had
to make sure."

"Make sure about?"

"Nothing, dear.  I believe you."

This little encounter puzzled me, but eventually Marge revealed all to me.

Surprisingly, William took the news quite calmly.  He even congratulated me
on getting my inheritance before Dad died.  I thought it was of poor taste
and told him so.  He apologized but I wonder if he meant it.

Once Peng entered my household, a change overcame Marge.  She became very
extroverted.  She involved herself in gardening clubs, bridge clubs and
such social gatherings.  At first, I thought that because Peng was handling
the chores, she had more time on her hands.  However, her presence at home
became less and less.  Though she never neglected them, I think I spent
more time with my children than she did.  It was not that I did not trust
her.  I had no reason to think that she was unfaithful to me.  However, I
did wonder why she changed so suddenly.

She was out on a weekend trip with her friends to Brighton the day my
father passed away.  I was annoyed with her because I could not get hold of
her.  When I finally got her on the telephone, she just had enough time to
be punctual for the funeral.

Then, after the funeral, as suddenly as she changed into an extrovert, she
reverted to her old self.  I never had a straight answer from her whenever
I asked her about the changes.

My mother, on the other hand, became depressed after my father's death.
Her manner became erratic and eventually, she was confined to bed.  Then,
four years after the death of my father, in March 1985, my mother died in
her sleep.

The grief I had for my mother's death was not as great as that of my
father.  I began to feel very guilty.  I wondered why I was not feeling as
sad.  This translated into my daily dealings with people.  Marge saw that.
She was very understanding.  She made me realize that I was probably more
relieved that my mother had died because she had suffered much being
bed-ridden.  I was very thankful to Marge for being with me and I told her
so.  In the first time in many years, Marge took me in her arms and we sat
by the window looking at the stars.

-----

I could just make out the same stars in the sky.  The rain had stopped and
the sky cleared.  The early spring sky was getting dark and I realized that
it was already half past six.  I had been deep in thoughts over my pot of
tea.  When I looked down, I saw that there was another empty pot.  I had
waited for the rain to stop on two pots of tea.  It was this realization
that brought a familiar feeling in my loins.  I got up and searched for the
toilet.  When I got out, I thought that it was the right time to order my
dinner.  After all, I'm going to be alone again for my evening meal.


CHAPTER FIVE: DISCOVERIES

The meal was satisfactory.  I was not really interested in the meal anyway.
I forced myself to eat even though I had a poor appetite after the memories
that invaded my mind during the day.  I thought it wise not to retire too
early today, as I was not the least bit sleepy.  I walked and walked,
passing the shops that were either closed or just beginning to close.  I
met a man just closing up for the day.  His was a bookshop.  It was laid
out in a manner like my own study.  Another memory flooded my mind.  I got
into the pub next to the bookshop and ordered a pint.

-----

About a month after my mother's death, Marge announced some terrible news.
I had just come home from work when Peng told me that Marge was very upset
after coming home a few hours before.  I went straight to the study where
she was sitting and, obviously, had been crying.

"Marge, what's wrong?"  I sat beside her holding her hand.

"I discovered a lump."

"A lump?"

"A lump in my breast.  I went straight to the doctors and they did a
mammogram.  They did a biopsy and I had my results today."  She went into
another fit of tears.  I held her close, fearing worse news.  "The biopsy
showed that I have a cancer and it has metastasized."

"How bad is the situation?"  I asked as calmly as I could but I could feel
myself trembling a little.

"The doctor said it was hard to tell.  The best thing to do is to operate
and then go through chemotherapy and radiation treatment.  Joe, I'm
frightened.  When I asked whether I'll survive, the doctor said that there
was a chance of getting the cancer under control, but he could not promise
that it was very high."

I held Marge close.  "I'll get the best doctors.  We'll get through this."
She shook in my arms and continued crying.  The children were all in
boarding school and we were all alone.  When she had calmed down a bit, I
looked at her and reassured her, "Marge, I'm here.  I'll always be by your
side.  We'll get through this."  She gave a weak nod and I continued, "I'm
going to call Timothy and ask him to take care of business.  I'm going to
spend my time with you.  I'll call Dr. Browning to get the best doctors I
can get.  I know that we'll be spending our savings for old age, but what's
the use of savings if we can't spend it together?"

Marge looked at me with tears brimming in her eyes.  "Oh Joe!  I love you
so much!"

"And I you."

I spent the next day with her as the doctor that was recommended to us
prepared her for surgery.  The outlook was not very bright, but there was
hope.  That was all I wanted.  She went into surgery the next day.  The
surgeon came out of the theatre with a grim look on his face.

When I saw him, my face fell.  "Doctor, what's..."

"Mr. Barker, let me change out of these gowns.  Please come to see me in my
office in ... let's say ... half an hour?"

"Yes.  Can I be with Marge?"

"She'll be unconscious for the next ten hours at least and will be in
intensive care.  You can see her, but she's still under anesthesia."

"Thank you, doctor."

I was frantic.  That grim look on the surgeon's face eroded whatever hope I
had left.  I was on the verge of tears but kept them in check.  As I went
towards the intensive care ward, I saw Peng in the corridor.

"What are you doing here?"  I asked.

"I wanted to find out how Mrs. Barker was doing.  I'll go back if you so
desire," Peng said looking a little disappointed.

"Sorry Peng, I was just too upset.  I don't know what's the situation yet.
She's just been out of the operation theatre and the surgeon asked me to
see him.  Peng, I've this dreadful feeling that I'm going to lose her..." I
could not control my tears.  I buried my face in my hands and Peng put his
hand on my shoulder.

"Master Joe, if you worry too much about the future, you will miss the
present and opportunities would fly by."

I looked up at Peng.  He had become like his grandfather.  Uncle Chang
always had little sentences like these to encourage me in times when I was
sad.  Now, Peng was doing the same.  My tears had stopped and I felt
encouraged.

"Master Joe, you must first see the surgeon and then decide the next step.
Worrying right here is futile."

"Yes Peng.  I know.  I just want to see Marge before I see the surgeon."

"I'll be right here until you return from the doctor's."

Marge was a terrible sight.  She had tubes in her nose and a needle on each
arm.  There was a set of displays beside her bed.  I had wanted to kiss her
on the forehead but was afraid to disturb the wires and tubes.  I kissed my
fingertips and placed my fingertips on her forehead.

"Sorry my love," I whispered.  "This'll have to do for now.  When these
blasted tubes are taken away, you'll get the real thing."

What the surgeon had to say was not good.  They had discovered that the
lump in her breast was actually hiding another tumor in the lining of her
thoracic cavity.  It was a rare form of cancer that was difficult to detect
unless one actually was looking for it.  From the looks of the spread of
the cancer, the chemotherapy and radiation treatment planned for her would
only prolong her life, at the most, for a few years.  She'll probably be
confined to bed and be half conscious because of the morphine she'll be
given for the pain.  The doctor said that whether treatment was continued
depended on us.  As a doctor, he would definitely recommend continuing
treatment.  Because the treatment was not even a guarantee that she would
even live for more than six months, he was leaving the decision to Marge
and myself.  He gave me three days to think about it.  If we decided to
continue with treatment, he would arrange for immediate radiation and
chemotherapy.  Otherwise, it'd just be morphine to kill the pain.

I exited the office feeling totally helpless.  I went back to Marge and
cried at her bedside.  At one point, a nurse came to me and advised me to
go home to rest.  Marge would only wake up the next morning.  It would not
help Marge to see me in this state.  I thanked her for her advice and
headed out of the ward.

I poured out everything to Peng.  He listened without uttering anything.
When we got home, he prepared a special concoction and made me drink the
bitter liquid.  I fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow and had a
very good rest.

Marge was looking fine.  We had several long talks.  She even had a private
consultation with Peng.  Then it was decided that she would rather not
further the treatment and she asked if she could go home.  The doctor said
that she could not be discharged before the sutures were removed.  She
asked not to be put on morphine because she did not want to feel groggy.
She was warned that painkillers were less effective in removing the pain
but she said she was willing to take the risk of more pain.  I must say
that Marge was a brave woman.  She took it well and within three weeks of
her operation, she was allowed to go home.  The sutures were removed but
the doctor wanted to be absolutely sure before letting Marge go home.  The
hospital contacted a home hospice society which provided care every other
day in homes.  They were a great help because they were qualified to
monitor the pain management.

During the time that Marge was in hospital, Peng did not go home to see his
children.  They were both in university and Peng said that he was not
needed home.  Nevertheless, after a talk with Marge, he went home for two
weeks.

Marge's sister, Penny came to stay with us for five days.  She left feeling
consoled that Marge was not depressed.  Rose, my sister, came in every
morning after Penny left to help us with the chores.  She was glad to help
because she was quite close to my wife.

About three days before Peng was due to return, Marge suddenly became very
temperamental.  I had taken breakfast to bed for her.  She had finished her
breakfast and she took her medicine.  I returned to her after washing up.

"When Peng returns, we won't have to trouble Rose any more," I remarked.

"You can't wait for Peng to return, can you?" Marge asked.

"I suppose ... what do you mean by that?"  I asked, puzzled at the tone of
her voice.

"I know you prefer him to me."

"What are you talking about?  You're my wife.  We have three children.
What do you mean that I prefer him?  The medicine must be affecting you
..."

"You can't wait for me to die so that you'll be able to be with him," she
accused.

I was angry.  I tried to control my anger because Marge was beside herself.
"Marge, how can you say that?  I don't want you to die!  Come on, we've
been married for almost twenty years.  You know that there is no one else
but you."

"O ... I've seen the way you looked at him and the way he looks at you.
He's in love with you, you know.  He has something that I don't have and
you'll fall for him faster than you can leave me."  Her voice had grown
louder.

I looked around and saw a bottle of her medicine on the side table.  I
picked it up and read the label.  It was morphine.  The nurses that came
the day before must had given her the wrong medicine.  It must have been
the morphine that affected her.  I read the label again and it said that
the contents of the bottle were to be taken in three parts.  It was only
the morning and I suspected that Marge took the whole bottle instead of
just a third.  I began to panic.  Marge had overdosed herself with
morphine!

She continued to scream at me when I picked up the telephone in the room.
I dialed the number of the home hospice center and told them the situation
in the din that Marge was causing.  They told me that they were coming
straight away.

They managed to administer a sedative to calm her down.  They apologized
for what had happened.  When they had visited us, I was out doing some
grocery shopping and Rose was with Marge.  Marge had complained of not
being able to sleep at night and the nurses, with the consent of the doctor
at the center, gave her morphine.  The amount of morphine she had taken was
not too much to cause an overdose, but it was enough to get a person high.
They only had an extra bottle left in their bag because ours was the last
call and Marge had requested no morphine.  They gave Rose the instruction
to divide the bottle into three parts and to give Marge one part after each
meal the next day.  Rose must have forgotten to do so and Marge must have
thought it was the one-third dosage that she was suppose to take.

When they left, I called Rose and asked her if she had forgotten to tell me
something about Marge's medicine.  She apologized profusely and asked if
Marge was okay.  I reassured her that Marge was all right but gave her a
stern warning not to take the medicines too lightly in the future.

When I went back to Marge, she was not asleep.  She was a little groggy
perhaps, but not sleeping.  She turned to me and apologized, "Sorry Joe, I
shouldn't have said those things."

"Hush, Marge, you didn't know what you were saying.  It was the morphine."

"But Joe," she countered, "What I said was what I felt.  It was not
imaginary.  I was not hallucinating when I said those words."

"Hush," I quietened her, "Rest first.  We'll have time to talk about it
later."  I kissed her on the cheek and said, "Try to get some sleep, the
sedative you were given was to help you sleep.  Don't fight it.  We can
talk over lunch."

I pondered over what was said those last few moments.  I started to analyze
my relationship with Peng.  I was very fond of him, I know, but I could not
possibly compare the friendship we had with the marital relationship I had
with Marge, could I?

I helped Marge to wash up when she awoke and led her to the dining room
where lunch was ready.  Marge was silent during the whole of lunch.  I
tried to make light conversation but she just gave monosyllabic answers.
After we had finished lunch, I helped her to the drawing room and prepared
some tea.  I brought in the tea and poured her a cup.

Just I sat down with my tea, she said, "Joe, we need to talk about what was
said this morning."

"I'm listening," I replied.

"Joe, I know that we've been married for almost twenty years but until
today, I don't feel as if I've been your soul mate."

I started to protest but Marge put up her hand to stop me from speaking.

"Let me finish what I have to say."

I nodded.

"Joe, you've been a wonderful husband and friend and confidant.  I can
never complain regarding your love for the children and me.  You've never
been unfaithful.  In fact, I think I've had a more roving eye than you."

I raised one eyebrow in surprise.  Marge let out a small laugh and said,
"That's what I mean.  You've never given another woman a second look
because you're so devoted to our marriage, whilst I have often cast my eyes
on a few men whom I find attractive.  Though I've never entertained the
thought of having an affair, I've been attracted to men other than you."

I tried to think of a time which I'd seen a beautiful woman that I fancied.
I couldn't.  Though I've been able to appreciate beautiful women, I have
never thought of them sexually.  It was not right.

Marge must have guessed what I was thinking.  "Look Joe, except for me,
you've never been interested in other women.  In fact you've not been
interested in women at all."

I thought again and realized that what she said was true.

"Joe, though we've been faithful to each other and have been together for
twenty years, there's still a part of you that I can't reach.  I don't know
how to describe it.  It's as if there's a part of you that will never be
known to me.  It's inaccessible to me.  I do know who has access to it:
Peng."

"How did you get to this conclusion?  I've not done anything much with Peng
except talk.  I don't even share my intimate secrets with him, like I've
done with you."

"How can I explain it?" Marge sounded frustrated.  "I know that you'll
never be mine completely because there's a certain something that I lack.
I cannot have it because you've already shared it with Peng."

I was also growing frustrated.  What Marge said didn't make sense.  It was
as if she was speaking in riddles.

"Joe, why don't you let me finish and then take some time to think?"

I nodded my head and let out a sigh, "O ... alright!"

"Remember you said that you wanted to console Peng when Uncle Chang died?"
I nodded my head.  "It was as if you knew how he felt.  No one could see
that.  He was a pillar of strength.  You told me with conviction that Uncle
Chang's death was a very sad event in Peng's life.  At first I did not
believe you, but Aunt Mei told me that Peng had cried quietly every night
between the death of Uncle Chang and the funeral.  She told me that Uncle
Chang was dearer to Peng than Aunt Mei, his mother!  It was then that I
began to discover that you knew him intimately.  Yet, you were not constant
companions or talked much.  You shared with Peng something more precious.
It went beyond the physical level."

Marge cleared her throat and continued, "When I found out that Peng was
going to come into our employ, I was jealous.  I asked you if you
engineered the move.  When you said, 'no', I found it hard to believe you,
but I saw in your eyes that you weren't lying.  I began to think it was he
who engineered it.  I tried to get you interested in other social
activities but you weren't.  In the end I was in so many circles that I
wasn't home most of the time.  Most thought I had a wonderful time.  In
fact, I wasn't.  I was so paranoid.  I imagined that Peng was increasing
his hold on you when I was out that I didn't want to stay home to see his
face!"

"I remember the sad day that Dad died.  When you got me on the telephone at
Brighton, I went into a panic.  If I couldn't get to the funeral on time,
you'd never forgive me and I'd lose you forever.  The first person I saw
when I reached the London platform was Peng.  He was the last person I
thought I'd see.  He politely handed over a black dress and suggested that
I change in the ladies'.  Then he led me to the car and drove me to the
funeral.  In the car, he told me of the feelings you had regarding my
absence.  I found out that you'd not say anything to him, but he knew.  I
asked him if he loved you.  He didn't answer my question.  He simply said
that it was more important to him that both of us stay together.  His
question told me all.  He loved you.  He loved you more than himself.  It
was more important for us to stay together than for him to be loved back.
The tears you saw at the funeral weren't just for Daddy.  They were tears
of joy and heartache.  I finally saw the thing that I could not reach.
Both of you knew each other so intimately.  It's just that you didn't know
it consciously.  Peng made sure that you and I were happy together.  He
apologized for ever causing anything bad to happen and he offered to leave
if our marriage was compromised.  I wanted to tell him to leave, but I
couldn't.  Peng wasn't a threat to our marriage; my jealousy was.  I do
admit that though I didn't consider him a threat, I was jealous that I
could never have that part of you he had.  He expressed his hope that I
would go back to my old routine because that would make you very happy and
take away the suspicions I'd had of him.  I couldn't believe my ears.  Peng
wanted me to be happy too!"

Marge's eyes were teary by this time and I handed my handkerchief to her.

"My only consolation all this time was that your conscious heart was mine.
When I discovered my cancer, I was frightened and you were with me.
However, I was still suspicious and angry.  Why has fate dealt me this
blow?  I couldn't accept my dying.  When I consulted with Peng alone
regarding whether to treat myself or not, Peng said that I should let my
heart rule instead of my head.  I asked if he was relieved that I was going
to die.  I asked him directly and he gave me a saddened look.  He said that
I still misunderstood him.  He said my death would give you great sorrow
and my suffering would give you great anguish.  Those were his words:
'great sorrow' and 'great anguish'.  He said he was definitely not happy
over the fact that I, the joy of your life, would die.  Taking his words
into account, I decided that whether I die sooner or later, there'll be
great sorrow, but I shouldn't let you endure a longer time of great
anguish.  That was when I decided not to continue treatment."

I sat there in awe by what had been said.  I did not know how to respond.

"Joe, I should tell you something else.  I asked for the morphine because
I'm not feeling better.  In fact, I think I'll be getting worse.  I don't
know how much time I have.  So I'm going to tell you my hopes.  I hope that
after I'm gone, you'll continue to keep Peng around.  I hope that after I'm
gone, you'll think about what we've said today and connect with Peng.  He's
sacrificed so much in his life for you.  After Dad passed away, I had some
long talks with Peng.  I wanted to know how to make you happier and he told
me.  I also asked him about his life and he told me unashamedly, knowing
that he could trust me.  From what I hear, he loves you, Joe.  Maybe it's
gay love, maybe it's not.  He is not sure himself because he has never
looked on another person in love except you.  He married because he
believed that it'd be the best way to help you to be happy.  He revealed
his love for you to Uncle Chang and Uncle Chang felt that his marriage
would be the only way to break out of the situation.  Peng knew what his
grandfather meant.  If it continued that way, you'd not be able to bring
honor to your family.  You'd not get married and not continue the family
name.  Peng explained that for the Chinese, that was the saddest thing that
can happen to a family.  He sacrificed his happiness so that you could lead
as normal a life as possible.  He'd told Daddy that he was willing to take
the risk of William sacking him.  He didn't want to ruin our lives as
husband and wife.  Of course, he didn't tell Daddy about his love for you.
Daddy would hear nothing of it.  Daddy was a sly one; he mentioned that if
Peng got sacked, he wouldn't be honoring his promise to Uncle Chang to look
after the Chang family.  Peng was caught with this and accepted the change
of employment."

"Marge, I don't understand.  Are you telling me to get together with Peng?
What are you saying?"  I asked, totally confused.

"Joe, I'm not just saying that.  I'm saying that I'll not blame you if you
decided to get together with Peng.  I'm saying return the love he has for
you.  I'm not going to define anything.  Explore your heart.  Once I'm
gone, your obligations to me are over.  I'll not judge you, Joe.  I just
want you to be as happy as you can be.  Just promise me that you'll not
leave any stone unturned with Peng.  When I first met him, he was my
nemesis, my enemy, and my rival in love.  Now I see him in a different
light.  He's my ally in love.  I know that this sounds strange.  Without
him, we wouldn't be where we are today.  Without him, you'll never be
complete, because he holds that special something that I don't have."

Marge got up and moved back into her bedroom.  I was left in the drawing
room pondering what she had just said.  The next few days were difficult
for me because I said very little to Marge.  She was asking me to love
Peng.  The memory of the night many years ago came back.  Peng had said he
loved me, and the question that I had after that still remained unanswered.
Did I love him the same way?  Marge was a gem.  She became more and more
understanding.  When Peng came back, he must have noticed the awkwardness I
was showing.  He did not say anything but continued in his duties.

Marge continued to get worse.  Just before she found it very hard to speak,
she told me where she kept her diaries and asked me to read them.  She had
noticed how awkward I was acting around Peng and she hoped that reading the
diaries, I would get an insight to what she was asking of me.

My Marge breathed her last on Nov 11th, 1985.

-----

I finished my pint.  The memories of sixteen years ago had given me a
heartache.  I loved Marge.  She was a good friend and companion.  Her
greatness lay in that though she knew she was not the love of my life and
that she was not the thing that made my life complete, she was willing to
be in second place because she loved me.

I looked at my watch.  It was only quarter to nine.  Time passes very
slowly when one is remembering sad things.  My mind fought with itself as
the next memories emerged.  There are some things one wants to forget, but
at the same time, there are the things that one should not forget.  Heh!
It sounds like something Peng would say.

-----

I don't know how he found out, but John must have discovered his mother's
diaries that I was reading in my bedroom.  I think it must have been the
time I dozed off in bed whilst reading them and he had come in to tuck me
in.

All I know is that a week after the start of the new year in 1986, I caught
sight of John walking towards the kitchen in a huff.  I followed him.  He
was a hot-headed twenty-year-old.  He had the body of a twenty-year-old but
could still act like a fifteen-year-old.  I was barely at the door when I
heard the exchange.

"Uncle Peng, how dare you!"

"Master John, what is the matter?"

"How could you continue to be here?  I know that you're a gay man and
you're in love with my father.  Now that my mother's gone, you can hook him
in.  I'll not allow you to turn my father into a faggot!"

"Master John, please.  I have no wish..."

"I'm not listening to you.  If you really have no intentions towards my
father, I challenge you to leave.  You'll prove your worth by leaving.
Don't worry, my father will be fair to you in your severance wage."

Before Peng or I could react, he stormed out of the back door to the
garden.  I came in quickly and moved to the back door.

"Joe!" Peng called.

That caught my attention; it was the first time that Peng had called my
name without the title.

When I turned around, Peng said, "Master Joe, your oldest son is right.  I
have no more reason to stay here.  Your children are grown as are mine.
Chang Hwa will be marrying next year.  I am well looked after.  It is time
for me to go back to look after my own mother."

"No, Peng, you can't let an immature man like John chase you away.  I need
you here.  I've come to depend on you."

"Master Joe, by fighting for me, you would only prove Master John correct.
The impression given would be that I have you under my influence.  It is
time for me to leave.  Please promise me not to talk to Master John to try
to convince him to let me stay."

"Peng, I don't want you to go.  Doesn't my wish for you to stay have any
weight in your decision?  I never wanted to believe it before, but I think
I love you."

It took a while for Peng to respond.  It took the same amount of time for
me to realize what I had just said.

"Master Joe, thank you.  You have made me a very happy man."

"Does that mean that you're not leaving?"

"No, Master Joe.  I still have to leave.  However, you do promise not to
talk to Master John, don't you?  It is very important that you do not."

"Alright, Peng.  I promise.  I'm sure that there is another way."

"My stay would not only negatively affect your relationship with Master
John, it would also negatively affect another member of this family.  For
now, Master Joe, please do not contest my decision.  However, I will call
often to see how things are in the house.  Please take comfort that my
presence is never far from you.  Now, if you would excuse me, there is
packing to do."

With that Peng left the household.  Suddenly, overnight, there was this
emptiness in me.  I began to understand what Marge had meant by Peng having
a special part of me.  When he parted the first time for Reading, I was
consoled by the summers he had spent with me.  It had the appearance, at
least, that he had not gone.  When he had gotten married, another person
entered my life: Marge.  Though she did not take Peng's place, she helped
me become the person I had come to be.  It saddened me that she was gone
and I was not able to fulfill her last wish.  I did not want to reveal to
him that she wanted me to allow him to stay because I looked upon it as
some kind of blackmail.  I'd never want to have that kind of hold on him.

With Peng and Marge gone, my life took a downturn.  Though I was happy with
the calls from Peng to my office, the little glimpses of light did nothing
to take away the darkness that surrounded my life.  I turned my attention
towards my work and hardly spent any time at the house.  It was when my
nineteen year old daughter, Evelyn (named after my mother), talked to me
about which university that she would like to go to, that I emerged from
the darkness.  My little girl had grown up and I did not even realize it.
I did not even know what her grades were for her 'A' levels.

I sat down with her and had a long talk.  She had always been close to her
mother and did not talk much to me.  It was Simon (my youngest son) who was
the apple of my eye.  After about half an hour, Evelyn warmed up to me and
began to tell me about her life.  I listened with wonder and gratitude.
She was a level-headed young woman, unlike her older brother, who knew the
right things to want.  She was on her way to medical school.  However, she
was not one of the really bright students and there were no scholarships or
bursaries offered to her.  She really wanted to get into Cambridge.  She
was eligible, but the fees were quite hefty.  We discussed at length and
came to an agreement.  I would finance her whilst she agreed that she would
try not to tax my financial situation with John finishing his university
and Simon doing his 'A' levels that year.

It was then that I got to know Evelyn well.  We talked about my faults at
being a father, which amounted to quite many, and the things I could change
about myself.  Evelyn said that I needed to be more assertive around John.
He seemed to get what he wanted from me.  It was probably because I had
Simon closer to my heart and felt guilty about leaving my first-born out.
I was encouraged after my encounter with my daughter that I resolved to
have talks with John and Simon.

My talks with John came almost to naught.  He reminded of me of my older
brother William: very bull-headed and only interested in money.  However,
he did inherit my head for business, and, combined with his interest in
money, would make my grandfather proud that the business would not fail.
If only he would be more human, perhaps he would become a greater success.
I had discovered that to be really successful in business, there needs to
be a certain amount of ruthlessness and an equal amount of caring,
especially for the employees.  A properly cared-for employee would be loyal
and motivated to work for the company.  There will be exceptions of course,
but I preferred to think of the whole picture than just focus on the
exceptions.

I did not have to make a special effort to talk to Simon; he came to me.

"Daddy," he came into the study one day, looking really serious.  "I need
to speak to you."  Though Simon looked nothing like my older brother, his
manner was similar to my late brother.  He was a really good-looking young
man.  I had tried to attend his swimming meets when Marge was alive and he
always showed his appreciation.  Unlike other teenagers, he was not
embarrassed to hug me in public, even until his seventeenth year, before
his mother died.

"Yes Simon.  What can I do for my favorite son?"

Simon blushed.  "Daddy, you mustn't say this.  John'd be very upset if he
heard you say that.  I don't like to be around him when he's upset."

"Okay!  Okay!  I'll not say it anymore even though it's true.  So, what can
I do for you?"

"Well, I need to tell you some observations that I've made during these
past few months.  Last year, when mummy passed away, you became withdrawn a
little.  That's understandable since you were grieving.  You became a
little more cheerful as the weeks passed.  However, you've been very unlike
yourself ever since Uncle Peng left.  I'd like to know why he left.  Did
both of you have a fight?  If you miss him, why don't you call him to come
back?  I'm sure he didn't just resign; you had to fire him, right?  That's
where the logic fails me.  If you'd fire him, then it means that he did
something wrong that was unforgivable.  If it was unforgivable, then it
means that you'd be glad that he's not here.  But how can you be glad when
you're so often in the dumps?"

I listened in amusement at his vocalization of his thoughts.  He came
straight to the point.  I've never heard him speak like that.  This issue
that he had come to talk to me about must be very important.

"Look Simon, Uncle Peng just decided that he wanted to go home to look
after his mother.  I couldn't retain him."

"That's not what I heard."

"What did you hear?"

"Well, John ... promise that you won't tell John I told you it was him
... John tells me that it was because Uncle Peng was doing something wrong
and you sacked him."

"What kind of wrong thing did he say?"

"He said that Mummy found out that he was gay and was in love with you.
You found out about it in Mum's diary and you asked him to leave."

"Oh, is that what he said?"  I was getting a little upset because John did
not own up to his responsibility for causing Peng to leave.

"Well, is it true?"

"Before I answer you.  Would you be adverse if Uncle Peng was gay?"

Simon was clearly taken aback by the question.  I could see that he was
searching for something to say.

"Look Simon, tell me from your heart.  I'll respect any answer you give me.
I won't hold it against you."

Simon went pale.  He started to stutter, "I ... uh ... I mean ... uh
... that I ..."

"What's wrong, Simon?  Are you unwell?"  I was getting concerned.

"No, Daddy.  I've been struggling with this ... trying to find a way to
tell you ... but it's so difficult ..."

"Why don't you tell me just as it is?  What's the worse that can happen?"

"Well, Dad ... Okay.  I'll tell you as it is."  He took a deep breath and
the words just spilled out of his mouth, "Daddy, I'm gay.  I like guys.  I
think I'm in love with this guy in school.  Part of me thinks it's wrong,
another part of me leans heavily towards this.  I'm gay, Dad, I'm gay!"

I listened speechless.  I do not know what my emotions were exactly when he
uttered those words but I do know what I felt when he shook his head and
started to cry, "I knew it; I knew it.  I shouldn't have said anything.
Now I'll probably be chased out of the house..." He started to run out of
the study.

"Simon!"  I shouted after him.  "Don't go!  Please come back!"

He turned around, looking at me with his tear-filled eyes.  I knew I was
not angry or disappointed in him.  I was filled with compassion for my son.
He had a struggle and he came to me.  The last thing I wanted to do was
chase him out of the house.

"Come here, Simon," I said with my arms outstretched.  "I love you, I'll
always love you.  All of us have struggles, share your struggles with me."
He came into my arms and I hugged him tightly.  "Simon, I can't promise to
solve all your struggles and problems.  But I promise you that I wouldn't
turn you away even if I don't approve of what you decide.  This much I can
tell you: if you need me to be with you in your struggle, you'll have me."

"Thank you, Daddy!" sobbed Simon.  I found myself weeping, too.  It was a
significant moment for both father and son.

When we calmed down, Simon proceeded to tell me about how he discovered he
was gay.  How he had been always trying not to get an erection in the
swimming meets because he would get excited over the almost naked guys.  He
told of some amusing episodes when he thought he'd die because one of the
guys he'd admired had actually come forward to praise him for his swimming
skills.  Simon had never won a gold.  The best he did was the silver but
his coach was never ashamed of him because he gave his best and was
consistent in his training.  We ended up laughing so hard that I had to
tell him to stop.

"Please stop Simon.  I don't think I should laugh anymore.  I may burst a
blood vessel at the wrong place!"

"Sorry Daddy.  You know, I'm glad that I came out to you.  I was so afraid
that you'd reject me."

"To tell you honestly, Simon.  I don't know how I'd have reacted if you'd
told me before your mother's death."

"Why?"

"It has something to do with the original question you asked me."

"Yes, Daddy.  Please tell me what really happened."

I told my youngest son what happened.  I related the story of my childhood
when I first found out that Peng loved me.  I told him how his mother had
discovered the special relationship I had with Peng.  I told him of what
his mother made me promise and of what happened between John and Peng.

"So, you see," I said as a conclusion, "Your Uncle Peng chose to leave.  I
told him not to leave on account of an impetuous young man."

"Do you love him Daddy?"

"There was never a doubt that I loved him.  It was more a question of what
kind of love.  As the days go by, I'm becoming more and more certain that
he's the person who'll complete who I am."

"Didn't you tell him that you loved him?"

"I did, but he said that he had to leave for the sake of another member of
the family..." then I realized what his words meant.  "Simon, I believe
your Uncle Peng knew that you were gay.  He didn't want to make things
anymore complicated than they were."

"Uncle Peng's a good fellow, isn't he?"

"I know for certain that he loves all of us.  However, I know his love for
me is more than just friendship.  I just wished that something was said
before your older brother gave his 'lecture'."

Simon's eyes lit up for a moment and said, "Dad, I don't know how long
this'll take, but just leave everything to me.  I'll get Uncle Peng back."

-----

The pub was getting crowded.  It was, after all, a Friday night.  I paid
for my two pints and then headed out the door.  I reached my hotel and got
back into my room.  After a bath, I headed off to bed.


CHAPTER SIX: FULFILMENT

I awoke at about five in the morning.  It was still quite dark outside.  I
washed up and looked out of the window.  It promised to be a clear and
sunny morning.  This perked up my spirits a little.  It was still early and
so I continued my journey down memory lane.

-----

I did not know what Simon did.  However, I did know that he took Evelyn
into his confidence.  They managed to get John to see Peng and to
apologize.  John did not do this reluctantly.  In fact, he did it quite
willingly.  Maybe Simon and Evelyn did make John see the light.  John even
came to apologize to me.  I wanted to ask him what made him see the light,
but something in me told me that I'd better not.  When I found out that
Simon was dating John's girlfriend's brother, I had a fair idea of what
transpired.

After the apology, Peng did not come back straightaway.  He had his
daughter's wedding to plan.  His daughter was a computer system analyst.
Though she was a very brilliant woman, she did take care of her appearance
and she was a very beautiful bride.  She married a man from Hong Kong.
After the wedding, she was moving to Hong Kong.  She had managed to find a
good position there on the colony.

After the wedding, Peng came back to the house.  Everyone welcomed him.
Even John was not hostile towards him.  With Peng's help and advice, all of
my three children developed nicely.  I was initially afraid that Simon
might become a transvestite.  I didn't mind him being gay, but was afraid
that he might become like a daughter instead of a son.  My attitude was set
straight by none other than Peng.

"Why fear the inevitable?" he had asked.  "Fear rather, that you'll lose
control of what you can and could have controlled."  I wonder where he got
his wisdom from.  I understood that to mean that if Simon became what he
was, I couldn't control it.  It was his choice.  It was the reaction to his
choice that I had to fear.  If I did not want to lose Simon, then I had
better take stock of the kind of attitude I have towards different people.
Wrong attitudes usually caused heartache and pain.  In any case, Simon was
very straight acting.  He was confident with his identity and was not
ashamed of himself.  He did not flaunt his homosexuality either.  I found
that Simon had grown up to be a very fine young man.

According to Peng, his last duty to the Chang family ended when his son
Chang Foo married in 1991, five months before my little Evelyn became a
bride herself.  Foo had obtained a doctorate in Biological Sciences at
Birmingham and became a lecturer there.  He married an Scot, also a doctor
in Biological Sciences.  They met at a convention a year before he obtained
his degree.  Peng's instincts told him that his two children would have
very stable marriages.

After the death of my sister, Harriet, in 1992, I began to think of the
time I had left in this world.

It was in the morning that the conversation took place.  I remember it so
vividly.  My children had left for work and I was taking the day off.  John
was, in effect, managing the company.  We were in the midst of production
and so there was no need for me to be present.  Simon was already working.
He had a position in the bank that I used to work in.  Both boys were not
coming back for dinner and so Peng and I were to be alone for the whole
day.

I was seated at the kitchen table and Peng had just served me morning tea.

"Come and have a cup with me," I invited Peng.  He seemed hesitant.  "Come
on Peng, the children are out and it's just the two of us.  We're friends,
right?  Don't just stand there gawking.  Sit down and have morning tea with
me.  It is lonely and meaningless having tea alone when there's the
possibility of having tea with a friend."

Peng smiled and got himself a cup and saucer and sat down across me.

"Life is so fragile.  Harriet was still trying to boss old Larry around and
she gets a heart attack.  Sigh!  Life is so fragile and transitory."

"Yes, Master Joe," Peng said softly, "Life is full of little ironies.
Sometimes, I wonder if fate is just toying with us."

"Peng," I called out softly after setting down my cup.

"Yes, Master Joe," he answered.

"You're right.  Life is full of ironies.  There are things that we ought to
do which we don't.  When death arrives, it is already too late.  Regrets
will surely follow when we don't do the important and urgent things first."

"Master Joe," Peng smiled.  "I do believe that you have just said something
my grandfather would have said."

"I believe I just did.  I couldn't have been living with the Changs almost
all my life and not have obtained some wisdom from them."

"Perhaps it is the way which my grandfather observed things.  I have also
learnt to observe and to seek out the best possible solution to any
problems that appear."

"Perhaps, Peng, you can help me solve a little problem I have now."

"What is it, Master Joe?"

"Marge made me promise to read her diaries and I've been doing so.  I've
come to discover many things about myself whilst reading the diaries.
Marge has observed that I'm not really complete.  She'd thought that she
was the missing piece, but later discovered that she wasn't.  She found out
who was the piece missing in my life.  Like your grandfather used to say
<yuan jai tien pien, jin jai ien chien> (Translation: it seems as far as
the sky but it is just in front of one's eyes)."

Peng's eyes widened.  He was about to stand up when I said, "Peng, please
sit down.  Let's not live in secret anymore."

"Please, Master Joe, what you are saying is very serious.  You must not
take the situation lightly."

"I'm serious here and you'll do well to sit down and listen to what I have
to say.  Don't start jumping to conclusions."

Peng sat down reluctantly.

"I know that what I'm feeling for you is not what I felt for Marge.  This
is different and yet in some ways the same.  As I reflect on my life, Peng,
I realize that you're the reason for my joy."

"What about Mrs. Barker?"

"Marge came along when you were not around.  I used her as a substitute.
Though I genuinely loved her, she was not you.  My life became happy and
yet joyless.  There was an emptiness that I filled with other things: my
time with Marge, my children and my work.  However, it is you, Peng, who is
the real love of my life.  These last fifteen years have been the happiest
of my life.  Even Marge said so in her diary.  I believe now is the
opportune time to tell you my feelings towards you.  I don't know if I'll
be here tomorrow.  Harriet's death taught me that much.  I'd waited some
weeks because I wasn't sure how you'd react but each day, inside me,
there's a voice that tells me to tell you or else it may be too late.
Peng, I love you; I love you with my whole being."

Peng turned pale.  He hurriedly stood up and said, "Master Joe, you do not
know what you are saying.  If any of this gets out, there will be a great
scandal and the shame brought to your family will be very great."

"Peng, I don't know what is considered scandalous nowadays.  We're not
sleeping together, and I'm not saying we must.  I'm saying I love you.  I
want to be with you.  Is there sex involved?  I don't know.  I've never had
sex with a man and I've not lusted after you.  But if love includes sex
with you, I'm not adverse to that.  All I know is that I want to make you
happy.  All I know is that I want to be with you for the rest of my life.
Is that scandalous?  If that is scandalous, then let it be.  I rather
endure a scandal than not being with you."

I could see confusion in Peng's place.  "Peng, I'm not asking for your
answer to anything.  I'm just telling you how I feel.  You don't have to
respond if you do not have one.  All I ask is that you don't leave me.  You
make me complete."

Peng retreated into his shell when I expressed my feelings.  Though he did
not avoid me, he did not treat me any differently from before.  It was as
if I never said anything.  What amused me most was when I found out that
Simon had been having dinner out because he wanted Peng and I to get
together.  I found that out when I shared my frustration of what was
happening between Peng and myself.

He had just come back from work and was looking very tired.  Peng had gone
out to his daughter's.  She had invited him for dinner.

"Simon, welcome back.  Have you had your dinner?"

"Yes Daddy."

"You're looking tired.  Has the bank been bullying my little Simon?"

Simon smiled.  "I'm not so little anymore.  In fact, I think I'm taller
than you!"  He straightened himself and started comparing our heights.
"And no, the bank is not bullying me.  They are treating me very well.  I
suspect it's because you have an important account with them."

"Then, you must've had a wild time dancing because you look positively
tired."

"Well, I haven't been ... uh ... yes, the dancing was wild."  Simon averted
his gaze from me for just a moment before smiling and looking back towards
me.  I knew that it was not the truth.  I began to worry.  Tiredness is a
sign of AIDS and Simon, was, after all, in a high-risk group.

"You're not unwell, are you?  Are you keeping something from me?"

"What are you talking about?  I'm fit as a fiddle.  A little tired, that's
all.  You can take me to the doctor's right this moment and we'll see if
I've been unwell."

"Simon, there's something you're not telling me."

"I'm okay, really.  I've got to get washed up.  I've an early day
tomorrow."

He turned to go to his room, but I stopped him.  "Young man, stay where you
are.  You're going to tell me what's going on."  I said sternly.

Simon knew it was useless.  He would have to tell me the truth.

"Oh alright!  Actually, I've not been working late.  Whenever John has a
date or an appointment for dinner, I would also try to absent myself from
the house.  I was hoping that I could give both Uncle Peng and yourself
some quality time together.  You don't see him much during the day because
you're working.  So whenever John is not at home, I disappear as well."

I gave a huge smile and ended up giggling.

"What's so funny, Daddy.  I hope my efforts were worth it.  Have you two
got together or not?  I started having my meals at restaurants but I knew I
couldn't afford it in the long run.  I'm now eating fast food and I finish
the hamburger in like five minutes.  Then I slip into a pub for a couple of
pints and waiting for the time to pass before I come home.  It's costing me
a fortune!"

This time, I started to laugh.

"So, I've said my part.  You've got to tell me whether the sacrifices I've
made for your happiness was worth it or not!"

I calmed down.  "Firstly, my son, Peng is not in.  He's with his daughter.
I had dinner by myself.  Secondly, it's not going to make much of a
difference whether you're in or not."

"Why is that?"

I told Simon about my little breakfast talk with Peng and that nothing
seemed to have changed between Peng and me.  If anything, Peng seemed even
more distant.

"This is serious.  There must be something we must do."

"We'll do nothing."  I said.

"But Daddy..."

"Look Simon, your Uncle Peng is a grown man.  He has been loving me from
afar, so to speak, for the longest time.  All he has known to do was just
that.  I have thrown the ball into his court and he'll have to take the
initiative.  We can't force him to make any decisions prematurely.  I've
said my peace because I needed to tell him.  Now that he knows that I know,
he'll have to make his decision.  I'll wait for him.  I've every confidence
in him."

"What if he decides to treat you like he has all his life?"

"If that is the way he chooses to love me, I must respect that.  I admit
I'll be a little disappointed, but at least I know he still loves me.
Simon, you know that I named you after an uncle who died when I was just a
child.  Just before he died, he made me promise not to make your Uncle Peng
less than a friend.  I have gotten so used to let him wait on me that I
almost forgot that he is a friend.  Forcing someone to make a decision is
not what a friend would do."

"Well, this situation is so frustrating."

"Frustrating for someone standing outside, like yourself?  Yes.  For me,
no.  I know that being gay for you has a lot of implications.  For your
Uncle Peng and myself, I don't even know if it's gay love or not.  I loved
your mother and I enjoyed physical intimacy with her.  If that makes me not
a gay, then how do I explain the love I have for Peng?  Am I bisexual?
What am I?  I used to try to put myself into one category or another.  Now
I'm going to look at it at face value.  I love Peng and I know he loves me.
If, at our ages, we're going to try to have sex, then so be it.  If there's
no sex, I can also accept that.  But if I'm without him, I know that I'm
going to be miserable."

"I'm trying to understand what you're saying.  It's a little illogical for
me at the moment, but of course, I'm not you.  What I'm trying to say is
that I'll stand by your decision.  But if you need some plan or help, you
know you can call on me."

I smiled at Simon.  "Enough about me.  How's your love life coming along?"

"What love life?  I've been busy trying to hook my uncle and father
together that I've not been concerned with myself."

"That's not true, is it?  You were dating ... now what's his name?  He
seemed like a nice guy to me."

"You mean Greg?  I dumped him eons ago.  He was more interested in sex than
in a relationship.  It took me a while to realize that.  I was this
conquest of his.  He was forever trying to get me into bed."

"You mean that you're still, dare I say it," I teased, "a virgin?"

"Daddy!  I can't discuss these kind of things with you?"

"I'm your father!  I tell you about my love life.  I'm sure you can share
something with me."

"Well, Greg never got into bed with me, but we did do other things in the
car.  That's all I'm going to say."

My tone turned serious.  "Simon, I know that sex is fun but I sincerely
hope you take precautions ..."  I didn't like to hear that my son was
sleeping around, but I had to respect him as an adult.

"Now you're sounding more like a mother than a father," he laughed.  "Look
Dad, after Greg, I realized that there is more to a relationship than just
sex and what I call 'popular love'.  I know I'm going to get urges and that
I'll probably engage in casual sex, but I'm going to try to keep it to a
minimum, and I'm not so stupid not to use precautions.  You and mummy have
been such a positive influence in my life.  You have shown me what love can
be.  Now, you and Uncle Peng are like my idols."

"I certainly hope you're not going to discover for the first time, who your
soul mate is when you reach fifty.  I wouldn't want you to experience what
I've gone through."

"Dad.  I love you.  I'll live my life as it presents itself to me.  I only
hope that you'll be a big part of it."

Simon and I adjourned to a small cafe for supper.  I thought he needed the
nourishment.

-----

My wake up call came.  I answered it and thanked the front desk.  The sun
was already up and I had witnessed the sunrise during my reminiscing.  I
decided to get washed up.


CHAPTER SEVEN: LOVE AT LAST

I took a long bath and still managed to arrive for breakfast at half past
eight.  During my breakfast, the couple that had invited me for lunch
called me.  The front desk managed to locate me in the dining room.  They
hoped that I could meet them before lunch in the park just across from the
hotel.  I agreed to meet them and thanked them.  As I continued my
breakfast, I could not help thinking about how Peng finally reciprocated my
love.

-----

The situation with Peng remained unchanged until 1996 when Uncle George,
Peng's stepfather suffered a stroke.  It was Sunday and the boys and myself
were seated at the table, teasing Peng while he was preparing breakfast.
The telephone rang and I got up to answer it.  It was Aunt Mei.  She gave
me the news and I informed Peng.  I insisted that I accompany him to
Reading.  We had a quick breakfast.  I instructed John to take care of
things at the company in case we didn't get back.  Then we left for
Reading.

I did the driving, knowing that Peng was in no state to drive.  We drove in
silence until we reached the hospital where Uncle George was warded.  Uncle
George was partially paralyzed.  I sat with Aunt Mei and her family when
Peng went in to see him.  I could see that the family was shaken up.  The
family only discovered his stroke when he did not wake up in the morning.
Aunt Mei had got up to prepare breakfast as usual and returned to wake her
husband up.  She found him semi-conscious with one side of his face
distorted.  She quickly called her son David who promptly called the
ambulance.  I was introduced to David's wife who was present.  Geoffrey's
wife was at home looking after all the children.  Peng came out and his
face was grim.  He gave a hug to his mother first and then to the rest of
his family.  He enquired about the doctor's prognosis, which was actually
quite positive.  Uncle George would be paralyzed on his right side.
However, it would not be permanent if he would come for physiotherapy.
Knowing how determined Uncle George can be, I had no doubts that he would
recuperate fully.

Peng decided to stay with his stepfather and mother.  His mother would need
help to tend to Uncle George, who was already seventy-six years old.  I
could not disagree.  This was something that Peng had to do.  Uncle George
had taken care of him like a father and Aunt Mei would not be able to cope
with looking after a semi-paralyzed man.

I was thus left alone when Peng was at Reading.  I would take weekly trips
up with Simon to see how Uncle George was progressing.  At home, I was
clearly frustrated because I felt lonely, now that Peng was gone.  The
frustration changed me a little, I guess.  I started to lose interest in my
work.  I was often thinking of Peng and I did not really get anything done.
It was then that I decided to turn the running of the company over to John.
He would get full control of the company only when I died.  Like my father,
I advised him that I was still the owner of the company but as far as
operations go, he was the boss.

With John in charge, I was free from the company.  I was very tempted to
drive every day up to Reading.  However, I realized that it was not wise.
So I sat at home and moped.  The only glimmer of joy was on Sundays when I
went up with Simon to Reading.  The only person who, perhaps, realized how
I felt was Simon.  He spent almost every evening with me trying to cheer me
up.  Every Friday, I would insist that he go and enjoy himself with his
friends.  Still he would come home at about eleven and see if I was okay.

Peng stayed in Reading for about six months.  Because I went up to Reading
every Sunday, I knew how Uncle George was progressing.  The Sunday that
Peng said he would come back, I was jumping with joy inside.  Uncle George
was already able to sit up and move about.  The only problem was his
speech.  His speech was still a little slurred and he could only speak
slowly.  Uncle George said jokingly that he had had enough of Peng.  He
wanted his independence back.  On a serious note, he did promise to call if
he needed any help.

I tried to be as indifferent as possible when we returned to London.  We
retired to our rooms early.  I was in my room for about half an hour when I
heard someone entering my room.  It was Simon.

"Daddy," he whispered loudly.  "Are you awake?"

I turned on my bedside lamp.  "Yes Simon, I am now."

"Good!  I need to talk to you."  He had a sparkle in his eyes.  I knew he
was up to something.

"Sit here."  I placed my palm over the side of my bed.  I was still
sleeping in the double bed that Marge and I slept in.  Simon came and sat
where I had indicated.  "Alright, what is it?"

"I was hoping that we could go for a trip somewhere, just the three of us."

"Three?"  I asked.  "Who would look after the company?"

"Not John, you and I.  Uncle Peng, you and I."

"I've no objections but you'd have to ask your Uncle Peng yourself.  I've a
feeling he won't go."

Simon sat in the bed with a look of annoyance.  "What makes you think he
won't go?"

"I don't know how I know, I just do.  Furthermore, even I know what you're
up to.  If it's that clear to me, it'll be equally clear if not clearer to
Peng.  That, by itself, would be reason enough for Peng to refuse."

"You've got to ask him to go."

"It wouldn't work.  He'll just ask me to enjoy my holidays with you."

"But he's just finished a very tiring task.  I'm sure he could use a
break."

"A break, yes, but not on a trip with you and me.  I could ask him to take
it easy for the next week or so and he'll agree to a certain extent, but
the trip would be a definite 'no' for him."

"Do you know that you're quite a spoilsport?"

"Hey, I'm on your side.  I'd go immediately but it's not all dependent on
me."

"Yes, I know.  I saw you light up the moment Uncle Peng said he was coming
home."

"I tried to hide my elation.  Was I grinning like the Cheshire Cat?"

"No, but suddenly you had that extra tune in your voice.  When you got up
to help Aunt Mei in the kitchen, you had an extra bounce in your step.
Even Uncle George noticed it."

"Oh dear, I hope that doesn't put Peng in a bad light with George."

"Actually, I had a little chat with Uncle George."

"You had what?!"

"Calm down.  I didn't say anything I shouldn't have.  Just listen before
you react, okay?"

I nodded my head.

"Uncle George said he noticed that Uncle Peng was more alive when we came.
He told me about how Uncle Peng used to look forward to the summer holidays
when he was young.  Uncle George told me that Old Uncle Chang, Uncle Peng's
grandfather was afraid that Uncle Peng would get too close to you.  It was
something about the proper relationship between boss and worker.  So, the
moment Uncle Peng reached twenty, a match was found for him.  Uncle Peng
married the moment he turned twenty-one.  Uncle George felt sorry for Uncle
Peng.  Uncle Peng had lost what Uncle George called 'his special smile' the
moment the planned marriage was announced.  When his marriage failed, Uncle
Peng had an extra burden to carry.  Uncle George loves Uncle Peng, but
Uncle Peng has this thing about duty.  Duty comes first for Uncle Peng.
This burden of duty is the thing that has caused so much sorrow in Uncle
Peng's life."

"I knew that Uncle Chang had his own ideas but I didn't realize that it
affected Peng so terribly."

"There's more.  Uncle George noticed that Uncle Peng suddenly became
troubled recently.  I asked him when it was.  Uncle George couldn't
pin-point precisely but if I'm not wrong, it should be around the time you
revealed your feelings for him."

"Then ... the burden of duty becomes heavier because...?"

"Look Daddy.  If Uncle Peng has this thing about duty, then his present
duty is to be your butler.  He's definitely happy that you're reciprocating
his feelings for you, but that compromises his duty to you.  Duty dictates
that he's one level below you.  Your love's given to one at your same
level.  He cannot reconcile the levels that he's in.  In his mind, he can't
be butler and lover at the same time."

"That's easy.  I'll fire him.  Then, when he's no longer my employee, he
can relate on the same level to me."  I said.  Then it dawned on me that it
would not work.  "No, that won't work.  To him, being fired is a way of
saying that he's failed or that he's rejected.  I'd only turn him away this
way."

"What can we do now?  We know why he's acting this way but we still don't
know what to do."

I took a deep breath.  "Simon, you remember what I said some time ago?  The
ball'"s in his court.  He'll have to make the move.  We can only wait and
hope."

My youngest child nodded his head sadly.  He bid me a good night and went
back to his room.

Things went on as they were for about another three months.  Then one day,
Peng entered my study.  I was listening to some music.

"Master Joe, may I have a moment of your time?"

"Of course Peng," I said.  "Have a seat." I turned behind to switch off the
radio and he was seated when I turned back round.

"Master Joe, it is about what you said after Miss Harriet's death..." He
was clearly trying to choose the right words to say.  I decided to be
patient.  My heart was beating faster.  Something was telling me that this
was the turning point.  My hope just soared.  I tried to put my feelings
under a lid as he struggled to continue.  "Master Joe, what you said
touched me very much.  I have had a deep love for you since we were still
children.  It has grown over the years.  When I first mentioned it to my
grandfather, he was not happy.  He said a scandal of two men loving each
other was going to be the downfall of the Barker family.  He forbade me to
love you because it would be opposite of what the Chang family should be
doing for the Barker family."

He was clearly struggling with his words.  I gave a slight smile,
encouraging him to carry on.

"When you first told me of your affection for me, I was happy, but the
specter of my grandfather's words came back to me.  I did not wish to cause
a scandal to your family.  However, I now understand why you took that risk
to tell me your feelings.  During my time with my stepfather, I realized
that life was short and for us, our life is almost over.  It would be a
shame if what needed to be said was never said and regrets were brought
into eternity."

Peng's hand reached over and held my hands.  It was trembling a little.
"So Master Joe, I've come to express my love to you, too.  I have always
loved you with all my heart.  There were times when this love was not
proper but I never wavered in my love for you.  Like yourself, I would wish
nothing more than to be with you for the rest of my life."

When he had finished, we had tears in our eyes.  As I think of it now, we
must have been quite a sight.  Two grown men, in their fifties holding
hands and crying, not out of grief but out of joy.  I stood up and moved
over to his side of the table.  I knelt down and gave him a hug where he
sat.  It was like the meeting of long lost lovers, so much to say and yet
so little time in which to say it.

We finally broke our hug and we stood up together.  Peng, though older than
me, was about three inches shorter than I.  I looked in his eyes and said,
"Peng, my love."  My eyes met his and we stared into each other's souls.
Then I moved my head lower and he seemed to realize what I was doing.  He
raised his head a little and our lips met.  It was not a passionate kiss,
just a light one.  When we released each other, I could see that Peng was a
little flushed.

"Have I done one of the improper things?" I asked.

Peng blushed a little more.  I laughed.  We held hands like teenagers and
began to talk, not as Master and butler but as friends, close friends.  We
must have talked for about two hours because we heard the front door open.
John was back from work.  Peng hurriedly straightened himself and rushed to
the kitchen.  John liked to have his tea when he returned home.  He came
into the study to greet me.

"Hi Dad.  I'm back."

"Good to see you, son."

He stopped and stared at me for a moment.  I looked at myself, wondering if
there was something wrong with my appearance.

"Dad, there's something different about you.  I can sense it but I can't
tell what it is."

"Oh?"

"Yes.  There's definitely something different about you."

"I don't feel different," I lied.  "When you find out what it is, perhaps
you can tell me."

"Well," John said, "the first thing I notice now is that you've a certain
sparkle in your eyes that you didn't have before."

Peng came in with a tray.  On it was a cup of tea.  John took it and
thanked Peng who quietly left the room.  I suddenly grew angry.  I was
about to give John a piece of my mind for treating Peng like a servant when
I realized that John did not know what had happened just before he came
back.  If I scolded him, it would not have been fair.  He did notice my
anger, though.

"Dad, is there something the matter?  Your cheerful disposition has
disappeared."

"Do you always have a cup of tea served to you when you come back?"

"Yes.  Uncle Peng has been doing that for years.  I used to do it myself
but Uncle Peng insisted.  Now I'm so used to it."

"Oh," I muttered.  "How's things at the office?"  I changed the subject.
John answered me and we had a constructive conversation over the state of
the company.  If John knew anything, he did not say it.

I told Simon the good news the moment he came in from work.  John had gone
up to wash up.  He congratulated me and immediately his mind started to
work.  He made a few telephone calls and things were set.  I made the
announcement at dinner.

"It's been years since I've been on a holiday.  I'm thinking of going to
San Francisco."

"When do you plan on leaving?"  John asked.

"In two weeks time."

"Good idea, Dad.  Wish I could go but the renewal of two of our bigger
contracts are up and I cannot leave the company just yet."

"Well, I was hoping one of you would come along.  Simon?"

"I think I can afford it, I haven't taken my vacation yet and it is not our
busiest time yet.  I'd love to go."

"So Simon, book passage for three to San Francisco."

"Three?" asked John.

"I'm including my childhood friend Peng.  He's just finished looking after
his step-father and I think he should take a break as well."

"Good idea Dad," said John.  Simon and I were surprised.  We had thought
John would rather have someone to wait on him hand and foot.

"It's time Uncle Peng stopped acting like our butler.  We all know he loves
Dad.  It's time he acted like he did," said John grinning.  He looked at
our surprised faces and said, "Who did you think got him to talk to you
this afternoon, Dad?"

"You?!"  Simon and I said simultaneously.

"After my sorry behavior a decade ago, I've been trying to make up for my
actions," explained John.  "When Simon and Evelyn confronted me, I knew
that I'd made a mistake.  In my anger, Dad, I failed to see your sorrow.
Uncle Peng left immediately after my outburst.  It was more than enough
proof that I was premature in my judgment.  I managed to finish Mum's
diaries and realized what I did wrong.  I became friendlier to Uncle Peng,
talking to him about the company and my relationships with my girlfriends.
I found him very insightful.  What I couldn't understand was why he didn't
admit his feelings for you.  After he came back from Reading, our talks
revealed many things to me.  So last week, I told him that if you'd
suffered a heart attack or a stroke and died, he'd never be able to tell
you what his heart's been keeping all these years.  So today, when I came
back, I realized the moment I walked into the study that he'd talked to
you, Dad.  You didn't say anything specific and so I wasn't too sure.  I
was sure the moment Uncle Peng walked in with my tea.  I never have my tea
anywhere else except the kitchen.  Uncle Peng would usually wait for me for
a little chat.  Today, it was different.  That gave the game up.  I didn't
know what you were planning, so I played along."

My heart felt that it was going to explode.  My two sons supported me.  I
was so happy.  "That leaves only one thing to be done," I said.  I stood up
and walked to the door, "if you'd follow me..." John and Simon followed me
as I walked into the kitchen.  Peng had just finished preparing our meal
and was placing everything onto the tray.

"Peng," I called.

He looked up and said, "Yes Master Joe."

I looked at him with a smile and said, "They know.  Let's not pretend
anymore."

Peng's face broke into a great smile.  I remember that smile from my
childhood.  I began to realize that I had not seen him smile like that in
ages and what Uncle George meant by 'a special smile'.

"From today onwards, Peng will no longer be my butler but my partner.  He's
going to be my partner for life."  My two sons clapped their hands as Peng
blushed.  "My last request of Peng.  Please don't call me 'Master Joe' any
longer.  'Joe' would suffice."  There was another round of applause.

-----

I finished sipping my second cup of tea.  Martin and Michael said they
would be at the park entrance at eleven.  I looked at my watch and it was
just half past nine.


CHAPTER EIGHT: THE TRAGEDY

I decided to take a walk in the park.  On the way, I had to pass through a
row of shops selling foodstuff.  It reminded me of the streets of San
Francisco we were on four years ago ...

-----

The holiday was a satisfactory one.  Simon, in his 'wisdom', had a room all
to himself.  I wonder if it was because he wanted to leave us alone or if
he wanted to have a room for himself.  I never did get an answer from him
whenever I asked if he had gotten lucky.

We returned and quickly settled down to a comfortable lifestyle.  Though
Peng was in reality equal to me in every way, he still waited on me.  It
took a bit of effort for him to accept some waiting from me.  Peng had his
special smile on almost all the time.  Both Aunt Mei and Uncle George
smiled knowingly when we first went back to see them after the San
Francisco trip.  They did not disapprove and so we took it that they
approved.

We acted very naturally towards each other.  I often had my arm round his
shoulder as we walked and talked.  Peng was uncomfortable about holding
hands, even in private.  He'd rather we walk arm in arm or with my arm
round his shoulder.  Being shorter, he could not put his arm round my
shoulder.  I suggested putting his arm round my waist, but he was
uncomfortable.  It was after some coaxing that I found out why he was
uncomfortable over those gestures.  Amazingly, Peng was quite a chauvinist.
He had, in his mind, categorized gestures of women and those of men.
Holding hands, for him, was not something done between men, only between a
man and a woman.  The same goes for putting the arms round the waist.  I
had wanted to change his ways, but I was unsuccessful.  He was a stubborn
fifty-seven year old man.  For him, we were two men.  We should act like
men and not like a man and a woman.  He didn't have the same idea about
kissing though.  He politely changed the subject whenever I mentioned it.
In the end, I found that I should not be spending time trying to change the
man I loved.

Another big event occurred.  John married his girlfriend of four years,
Gillian.  I never found out if she knew my relationship with Peng.  If she
knew, she did not show any displeasure.  It was then that John moved out
from the house.  I had a talk with John after his marriage.  He agreed to
let Simon have the house because he had his eyes on a better one.

With John living away, I found more excuses to travel with Peng.  We
traveled around Europe mainly.  Within two years, we managed to visit most
major cities in Europe.  We were particularly fond of Sweden because of its
beautiful mountains and lakes.  We even went to observe World Pride 2000 in
Rome.  There were so many people.  Peng and I moved at the periphery afraid
that we would get separated.  We had fun.  I don't know if I have been
happier in my life.

-----

I stopped suddenly.  I was reaching a part of my memory that was painful.
I did not want to remember it.  I sat down on a bench near where I had
stopped.  I looked up into the blue sky and saw a bird flying up into the
sky.  I closed my eyes and started to weep.  The memory was going to
present itself whether or not I wanted to remember...

-----

We had just come back from a walk in the park when I saw Peng rubbing the
back of his right knee.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes.  I think I got bitten by an insect.  It is just a small matter."

"Let me get you some cream to put on it," I offered.  I went to the medical
cabinet and took out a tube of medical cream and gave it to him.

"Thanks."

That was the last I heard of the insect bite.

Two days later, I noticed that he had a slight limp.  We were getting ready
for bed.

"You're limping!"

"It is nothing, probably rheumatism.  I'll put on some Chinese medical
bandages."

I was tired and slept almost immediately.  I did not notice anything amiss.

The next morning, he awoke very early.  I did not see him when I woke.  I
washed up and got to the kitchen.  He was standing by the stove frying
eggs.  I sat down and started reading the newspaper.  I finished a page of
the newspaper when I sensed something wrong.  I turned around to see Peng
trembling a little.  I moved towards him and noticed that his shirt was
wet.

"Peng, what's wrong?"

"I don't know.  The rheumatism is getting very bad."

"Turn the stove off and sit down.  Let me do the cooking today."

He turned around and my heart sank.  His face was pale with pain.

"This isn't rheumatism.  Rheumatism doesn't become so painful.  We're going
to the doctor."

"Joe, I'll be alright.  Maybe I need to rest in bed for a while."

I raised his pajamas up and I saw that his right leg was red, blue and
black.

"No, Peng.  There is something dreadfully wrong.  I'm calling the
ambulance."

The ambulance arrived fifteen minutes later.  I was not allowed to follow
Peng into the treatment room at the hospital.  The next half an hour seemed
like an eternity to me.  I was worried and trying not to cry.  When the
doctor finally came out, he asked me, "Who is Mr. Chang to you,
Mr. Barker?"

"He was my butler."

"Was?"

"He retired recently and now lives with me still."

"We've determined that Mr. Chang is infected by the flesh eating bug.  You
mentioned that he complained of the pain only yesterday.  That can't be
right.  His infection's more than a day old.  Can you think of anything
else that happened to his leg in the last few days."

"He did mention an insect bite on his leg three days ago."

"Three days.  That sounds more likely."  The doctor moved quickly back to
the treatment room before I could ask how Peng was.

He emerged another fifteen minutes later.  "Mr. Barker, does he have any
family living in London?"

"The closest is in Reading: his mother.  Both his son and daughter are out
of the country."

"I guess you'll have to sign the papers for surgery.  I assume he has
insurance?"

"Yes.  Can you tell me his condition?"

"It'"s very serious.  We'll try to remove all the dead tissue and halt the
bug by antibiotics.  The worst scenario would be that we'd have to amputate
the leg because gangrene has set in.  We'll need to begin surgery
immediately.  If you'd follow Nurse Evans."

I followed the nurse to the administrative counter to fill up all the
necessary forms.  I was then told to wait outside the intensive care ward.
The first thing I did was to call up Simon.  He had already left the house
in the morning when I discovered Peng's problem.

He rushed back home to get me some change of clothes.  He arrived and I
changed out of my pajamas and Simon brought me to the cafeteria for some
food.  It was already eleven and I had not eaten.

Peng came out of the operation theatre and the feeling of dread that I felt
in Marge's case came back to me.  The doctor looked grim.

"Mr. Barker, your friend's condition is very grave.  The bug has reached
his cardiac muscle.  We've managed to treat it, but it's the best that
we're able to do.  The only thing to do is to wait and hope that the
treatment was enough to save him."

"What are the chances of his surviving?"  I asked fearfully.

"It's very hard to say, Mr. Barker.  Right now it's fifty-fifty."

"When is the earliest we can see him?"  Simon asked, noticing that I was
about to break down.

"I'll inform the nurse in intensive care to inform you when his condition
is more stable.  Right now he's on very tight observation and it'd be
better if he was left totally with the ward staff."

Simon brought me to a couch nearby and hugged me.  I was crying
uncontrollably.

"If only I had noticed it three days ago..." I sobbed.

"Daddy, don't blame yourself.  You couldn't have known.  Pull yourself
together.  Be strong for him!"

I calmed myself down.  "Sorry son, you're right."

Another four hours of waiting passed before the nurse came out to inform us
that Peng's condition had stabilized and that he could receive visitors.
We went into the room and saw Peng sleeping peacefully.  I noticed that the
doctors did not amputate his leg, though the limb was about half its normal
thickness.

Simon left me alone with Peng to call John.  He rushed down and reached the
hospital at about six.  He came in and placed his hand on my shoulder.  I
was trying not to cry.  John's touch comforted me a little.  I was hoping
that Peng would recover.

The hospital advised us to go home and return the next day.  He was not
allowed visitors after nine in the night.  Simon called up his family.
Geoffrey and David said they would come the next day.  Simon managed to get
Hwa but not Foo.  He left word with Foo's wife.  Foo was scheduled to reach
Heathrow sometime at three in the afternoon.  His wife would leave a
message at the airport.

I did not sleep well and got up several times during the night.  I got to
the hospital with Simon the next morning at eight.  I stayed with him
throughout the day, whispering into his ears, trying to get him to regain
consciousness.  David and Geoffrey both came at ten in the morning.  Foo
managed to reach the hospital at four.  He relieved me for two hours,
whispering into his father's ears.  We asked him to take a break at about
six to have his dinner and rest.

Then at about seven in the evening, I remembered that I was telling him how
much I loved him.

"Do you know how much I love you, Peng?  Do you?  I love you very much."

I felt a slight squeeze on my hand.  I got excited and started to whisper
some more.  "Peng, if you can hear me, squeeze my hand."  There was a
slight squeeze.  "Peng, don't leave me, please wake up.  I know that our
love can bring us through this."  There was another squeeze.  I rang for
the nurse and informed her that he was responding to me.  Geoffrey, David
and Foo were allowed in.

Foo held to his father's right hand and said to his father in English,
"Papa, Uncles Geoffrey, David and Joe are here.  We love you, please come
back to us."  His voice became a little more excited.  :"It's true.  He is
squeezing my hand!"  Then talking again, he said, "Papa, we love you. Come
back to us.  Hang on."

He opened his eyes slightly and I quickly grabbed hold of his other hand.
"Hang on Peng, hang on.  You'll make it, you'll make it!"  The sides of his
mouth curled slightly and he turned towards me.  He tried to speak.

"Don't try to speak, rest.  Get your strength up.  You're going to be
okay," Foo said.  I repeated the same message to him.  However, he did not
pay heed.  He looked at me and tried to move his mouth.  Foo urged me to
move closer to his father.

I heard the two syllables clearly, "Sorry."  I felt his hand tightened
around mine.  I raised my face to his and saw a tear running down his left
eye.  Then the alarm sounded.

The doctors and nurses came in and ordered us out of the room.  There was a
flurry of activity in the room.  Fifteen minutes later, the doctor came
out, "Sorry, we tried our best but Mr. Chang is dead."

I fell in a daze.  I don't remember much after that.  Foo, Geoffrey and
David took over.  Legally, they were family and I was not.  I'm sure they
tried to get me involved, but I had gone into a state of shock.  Simon
spoke to them and told them it would be best if he brought me home.  I know
that if one could hear a heart broken, they would hear two hearts break
that evening in the room: Peng's and mine.

-----

"Joe!  Are you alright?" a familiar voice reached my ears.

I looked up to see the young fellow, Michael.  "I'm sorry.  I'm late for
our meeting?"

"Not at all.  We were early and we thought we'd take a walk before the
appointed time.  We spotted you sitting alone and when we got nearer, you
seemed in a daze," Michael said.

"I was just remembering.  Memories can be happy or sad.  That last one was
sad."

"Are you sure you're alright?" Michael asked.  I could detect genuine
concern in his voice.

"I'm sure young man," I said with a smile.  "Perhaps I can tell you a story
that will explain my strange behavior."

"I'm sure Martin and I are willing to listen."

"Then, let's get to the restaurant.  I promise an engaging story."


EPILOGUE

I managed to finish my story by the time we finished lunch.  This time I
told it without getting emotional.

"A very engaging account, Joe," Martin remarked.  "I presume your son
packed you up and sent you north to Edinburgh to get you away from your
grief."

"Not actually.  I was depressed and the doctor felt that anti-depressants
were not the solution.  He told me to get up here and relax.  Little does
he know that I've been going through the events of my life over and over
again."

"Joe," Michael said quietly.  "I know how you feel.  I mean about someone
you loved dying."

"My dear boy, you're just in your twenties, how can you know?"

Martin gave a little laugh.  "I think we have a confession to make.  You
see ..."

"You're a couple," I completed his sentence for him, much to his surprise.
"I may be old, Martin," I chuckled, "but I am still quite sharp."

"You may be sharp," Martin continued, "but sometimes you can be wrong."

"Wrong?"

"Well, you're right about Michael and I being a couple.  But Michael's in
his early thirties.  You've given Michael a grand compliment, I think."

Michael laughed.  "I don't know whether looking younger is exactly better
or worse.  Actually, Joe, I had a lover before I met Martin.  He was just a
few years older than I.  He was killed by some unscrupulous people."

"Not only do you look young, you have experiences that are beyond your
actual age.  Martin must have been instrumental in helping you get over
your grief."

"Yes," Michael admitted.  "But I think it was also the realization that he
wouldn't have wanted me to keep myself in a shell.  What do you think your
friend Peng would say to you if he knew you were still grieving for him?"

I thought for a moment and said, "I think I know what you're saying.
Still, I do miss him terribly."

"Yes Joe, I still miss Jimmy, but life goes on.  That would be the best way
to honour someone who loves us."

"I do believe you're right."

I was glad to have met those two.  After I returned from my little holiday,
I found that I could remember Peng without feeling depressed.  I am going
to honor his memory by living on.  After all, he would not have wanted it
any other way.


THE END