Date: Sun, 17 Aug 2003 05:36:26 EDT
From: INSILVA92@aol.com
Subject: REMEMBERED LOVES. POETRY.

This is a collection of poems I
composed in the late 1960s to early
1980s. They reflect my relationships
and their effect on me. The political
climate was very different in the U.K.
then. I hope you enjoy them.

REMEMBERED LOVES

1) RED
Your hair falls as autumn leaves
russet across my pillow
its colour repeated in the freckles
spotted perfectly across your face
your marble white skin a precise foil
you lie pouting in sleep my Titian cherub
small yet strong
and beautiful
limbs sturdy
lips chiselled
cheekbones proudly guarding them


2) MUSE
Virgin white the paper lies before me
awaiting the assault of my pen
but my mind
unaroused without him
excites it not to words of beauty

3) To Craig
Do I talk about it
Can I
Can I mention your height
your slimness
the size of your hands
colour of your eyes
their stare
the frankness shown
the love latent there
the love I want


4) Timmo
It is quiet in my bedroom again
no more the whispering at dawn
when replete I murmured endearments
until you innocently fell to sleep
no more the groans and sighs
of our loves consummation
No it is quiet in my bedroom now
but sometimes it hears your name
as I call out in troubled sleep remembering
and toss and turn  to wake alone
my male hardness seeking yours


5) Hayden
I went home and cried
what else could I do
to have met you
embraced you
kissed you
then been denied our mutual bed
by your straight flat mate
whose arrival
noisy  thank god
made my sleeping there impossible

6) Hayden
I've never clung, hung on
said see no other
no restrictions, no limitations
you are young, be free
no ground rules, well one
let me be your true love
play the field, have fun
and always come back to me

7) Erroll.
The moleskin hill, which is your belly
is no obstacle for the Pilgrim my tongue
as I worship at your temple

8) Hayden
It is difficult for us to meet alone
yesterday was all arranged
two perfect hours together
but when, excited, I arrived
you gently let me down
the flatmate was to return
a brief half hour was all we had
you had bathed  prepared the bed
ready for our oneness
that meant so much to me
yesterday

9) Evening
The rosy blue of summer skies
as night descends confronts my eyes
the colour is so strange to see
it wakens something deep in me


10) Tony.
There is a certain intimacy
I speak you reply
or return my look if we are distant
occasionally I buy your drink
once you bought mine
flush
from some punter?
I didn't ask
I won't condemn
but if ever in bed we meet
pleasing each other
don't ask for money
not then


11) Timmo
So stern your glance
high cheekbones
granite chin
sober in the morning
ignoring last night's ecstasy
the pleasure from my tongue
on it's journey from neck to thigh
to centre on that marble manhood
Memory all I have
My contentment
no other man's been there!


12) Timmo
The last day I will see you
I must capitalise on your presence
thank God you're half drunk
now you will smile
and flirt
with your near perfect eyes
How cold is Finland
so cold you need so warm a smile?


13) At Rest
Sometimes I like to be alone
a coffee a cigarette
nothing to do nowhere to go
no-one to see just thoughts
memories hopes dreams
remembering pleasant times
not fraught with anxiety
a wish to please a need to be


14) Tez.
He spoke of friendship
trust
He trusted me
to bed
naked he slept
complementing the comfort
He trusted me
his back
my stomach
merging  prenatally
He trusted me
soft
translucent skin
no fat
no blemish
Beauty
He trusted me
gently I kissed his shoulder
lingered
yearned
He trusted me
He trusted me
and so I slept


15) Hayden
Oh to know the brief heat of loins
that cool to a pleasant
warm stickiness
with soft sweaty smells
that linger enticing
for hours
to re-arouse revitalise
my body
to further excess


16) Hayden
You pen love notes
come to see me
say nice things
and yet
our goodbyes
are so impersonal
or was I so bad today
do I ask for so much
much more
than you're prepared to give

17) Timmo
Autumn has arrived
my summer tan still proud
exhibiting my teeth
expanding my head

A friend arrives from Finland
bearing gifts
vodka a glass and You
white blonde hair strong Viking jaw
You stare at me
disdainfully
then something I say traps You
into smiling eyes wide
your beauty now traps me
I desire you

Drinks conversation more drinks
You are in my bed
How? What miracle of rhetoric
did I perform

I am above You, above myself
looking down
my deep tanned body turns You translucent
your skin ghost by mine
your first time
yet so exuberant uninhibited
I worship at the Temple
that is your body

In alcohol I perform
in alcohol never spending
but your young body is not denied
your eruption so strong
I feared I'd drown.


18) Hayden
I'll stand the pain
I'll lie face down
biting your pillow
gripping your sheet
hoping you'll be fast
but still satisfied
19) Mid Week Misery
Did you stop to think
each time you said
"I love you"?
Did you ever mean it?
Was its effect on me ever considered?
Or am I expendable?
Just another set of orifices
in your Great Life Fuck
all to be used
solely for your gratification
then cast aside, obsolete
when you become bored!
"I love you," you said
and I believed it
and still want to.


20) Hayden
I thought I saw you on a bus today
I happened to be looking through my window.
I hadn't been there long, just glancing
not more than an hour or two
since I woke in fact
but it wasn't you.


21) Hayden
I never thought it a pleasure
to sit inside on a sunny day
to read a book read before
obeying No Smoking signs
whispering, the Library lore.
I never had you beside me
to glance at when bored
to inhale you in each deep breath
to accidentally touch a foot or hand
with rapturous regularity
I'm glad you called
that sunny Monday.


22) Hayden
I can smell the sheets
still feel the pain
of your first vain attempts
at entry into me
but it is my need
as much as yours
so I will learn to relax
and accept your offering.


23) Hayden
Penetration is painful
but, guided by my hand
taken gently
I can accept you
and once accepted
succumb
to your quickening rhythm
desire your strongest thrusts
until spent
you collapse onto my back
our sweat a liquid cushion
between receding heartbeats.


24) Hayden
Over the rattle of the trains
we heard the birds awake
and turning
saw more of each other
in the strengthening light
four a.m.
half-past
it did not matter
as we lay entwined
in the cushioned luxury
of a friends apartment
petting
stroking
fondling
tasting
licking
loving
'til you came
unaided by my hand.

25) Hayden
It is easier now
more enjoyable
more desirable
more exciting
as I move up and down
to accommodate your hand
around my prick
then my strength goes
and forward I fall
to have the friction
of sheets and stomach
and your forceful thrusts
bring me to unexpected ejaculation.


26) Hayden
What cruelty is this
we meet
hold each other
kiss
feeling through cloth
the strength of our desire
and then must part
no consummation
because of convention
established views
what right have they to judge
and then condemn
when we are in love.


27) Surprise
Softly my lover comes
surprising me at unguarded moments
when my mind wanders from task in hand
he is away for several months
his memory hidden away
in a compartment of my mind
to be discovered in the comfort of my bed
at my pleasure
my longing
my need
but softly my lover comes
surprising me.


28) Two-part Dance with Erroll
Small and dark
black curls wedge cut
you dance invitingly onto the floor
I almost stumble
having met your eyes
we speak then start to dance
apart
'til I move in intimately
I tongue your ear
so dark so inviting
we kiss
soft tongue fills my mouth
my tumescence presses your belly
yours mine
yet, bed available, you decline.
I see you again
I see a plumpness
a fullness of face
through vodka missed before
but attraction still
I nod
my courage's thirst quenched
I ask for a dance
I am accepted at once
my body arranges itself
remembering around you
and nothing is declined….. . . .


29) Pick-up.
A smile, my smile,
all that is required.
I try tonight
but no reflection.
I must try again

Tall, dark, handsome
criteria satisfied
he winks, no nudge.
Enough to let me speak?
Dare I?
In alcohol I dare
and recognise response
No room, no bed.
I lose again.

30) Hayden, 1st. Meeting.
You were hard not to notice
Dark trusting eyes, soft snub nose
sparse hairs along your lip
attempting age.
Yet you are twenty.
I am older.
Wiser? No.
Wisdom is such a rare talent.
Without it I am involved
revelling in tour youthful lust.
ignoring her when we are bedded
worshipping your child's body.
Grateful for the maturity of mind
that lets you enjoy both sexes.


31) Hayden.
You had your hair cut yesterday
but feel it is too short
yet it complements you
adds to your beauty
enhances your manhood
or does my love grow stronger.
The hours alone
I spend thinking of you
numb inside
butterflies before we meet
erections on buses
remembering you on my back
in my mouth
holding me
kissing me
mouth moist
lips wide
stretched
tongue licking
you sucking mine
eyes closed in pleasure
then open with desire
as our hardness meets
in pelvic thrusts
before all is abandoned
and we tumble onto bed
to strip
be stripped
in mutual lust
and love.

32) My Scot.
What do you do
these wintry mornings
when you wake cold
alone in your bed-sit
your lover back in Glasgow.
I would warm you
if you warmed my bed
as I did
in borrowed places
so short a time ago.
Do you remember
or think only of him
not of the hell I go through
the unlettered hall mute testimony
of broken promises
of friendship and more.
Could that be worse?


33) Hayden
Strong bright sun
warming the room
making us rosy beneath the sheet
eager love making over
you lie contented
holding my hands
occasionally embracing
murmuring endearments
as we talk
discovering ourselves
as well as each other.

34) Hayden
As we lay sweating together
that damp summer afternoon
heartbeats receding
my throat still salty with your love
we said many things
I will remember them ever
the wish you made
to take me with you to Canada
the soft "I love you"
muffled by the rain
the dismissal of my doubts
and of the girl
but most
the soft "I love you."

35) Bob.
Ebony haired
brilliant eyed
joyous limbed
he smiled
and I was lost within him
Retaining nothing
he gave me all
yet I in my delirium
gave nothing in return
It was my world, my spring
a golden summer to begin
but I fed not his love
crying for me
still loving me
he left.
I stood and watched,
the golden sun reddened to a furnace glow
while love, the only love I've known
flowered and died instantly in the final
glow.


36) My Scot
Downwards he moves
lips sleeping on my brow
eyes
nose
lips
chin
neck
ever onward to the core
the centre of my being
chest
nipples one by one
onward through the hair
stomach
my navel a whirlpool for his tongue
belly
my pubic hair
the staff of my life
I rise on elbows to see
light glistens in his hair
then he swallows me.


37) BOB
Hot dry days
grass smell sweet
long cool drinks
salads to eat

Kids in the park
running the dog
paddling the pool
give my memory a jog

I remember my childhood
with affection you see
I was yet to meet Bob
to be left just the memory.

38) SEX
How oft I've walked in sombre mind
deliberating the life and trials of mankind
then seen before me in the crowd
a face 'fore which I should have bowed
and felt a lightening in my heart
then in my veins the blood rush start
surely then this is how it must be
with everyone not just you and me
that no matter how liberal the brain
shown a bit of sex, we are all the same.

39) CELIBACY
Celibacy, a planned decision
no not celibacy,
self love to be exact
if love means a sexual act
My mind provides my lovers,
or books
my hand provides the means
No not self-love, self-pity.
A one night stand sexuality
married to an affair mind
No one could be so kind
as I myself, to me
I can be, am, desirable to all men
Well those I bring to mind.

40) GUILT
Is my guilt inbuilt
a behaviour pattern?
like animals, insects
Mistreatment of the Black
looms large in my mind
is that the reason that pleasure,
sexual pleasure
comes best with bedded blacks?
The sharper smell
dry wine to sweet
the attitude?
master to slave
more gratitude?
But who's?
Theirs or mine?

41) ERROL
Soft brown lips
in semi pout
'neath snub nose
half hooded eyes
black crinkled hair
amassed to charge
your glowing face.

Below
the boy's body
yet hardened by life
shows no dissipation
still thrusts eager
firm and hard
too often
for my matching.

42) HAYDEN
I will bear pain for you
often
if it brings us closer
if I mean more
if I become important
not just a release
First on the list
not hidden at the back
I need to meet your friends
be introduced as me
exist as me
not some fictitious tart
I will bear pain for you.

43) HAYDEN
Is it love?
To open my eyes
to see your face above me
gazing wistfully down.
What do your eyes tell me
do they speak of love
of lust
or do they hide amusement
pity.
Pity for my gullibility.
A few involvements
not hundreds as you thought
leave me less self-assured
than you.
Yet I am your first
you say.
I am so honest
too honest
hurt too often
to accept honesty in others.


44) HAYDEN
You spoke of love for me
once freely
once when pressed.
Your first male love you said
we agreed on the difficulty
the deceptions to be made
your career
your friends
your girlfriends
all kept in ignorance of me
of our coupling.
I accept any conditions
for once a week
excuses made
we meet
I feel your strength
your hardness
smooth brown muscle
taste your tongue
lips hard
pressing
eyes soft
longing
I am home.


45) HAYDEN
Rampant
my brown lover
thrusts
ever upwards
into my throat.
Suction grips him
defeating his escape
on his ejaculation.

46) RUSH HOUR
No more empty seats
no more standing room
I am trapped in my seat
I can only look forward
eyes focussed unwittingly.
What do I see?
Black pin stripe flares
tight at thigh and bum
blonde curly hair
shoulder length
cascades and hides most face
leaving an impression of downy cheeks
then hands withdraw from tight pockets
long fingered
rough knuckled
leaving no illusion as to gender
I am entranced.

47) GAY BAR
Narrow staircase, glass sided
leads down to the fray
tightly packed bodies
young, jeaned old, suited sway
to and from the bar
glasses replenished they turn
seeking out a look
from another's eyes that burn
hopefully with desire
mirroring the longing in theirs
so that at closing time
in twos they mount the stairs.

48) EASTER DRY LAW VIEW
Now at last after all the years
filled with loneliness and its fears
I have found a sweet release
physical perfection, mental peace
when in need of love I be
Scotland's son is the one for me.


49) ON BOSCOMBE CHINE
And in the dawn light growing
there is nothing better than knowing
that from today I am not one
but two as one just begun.
As our minds have grown together
now our bodies seem to fit forever.
There is no peace as sweet as this
lying united in one eternal kiss.

50) ANGER
>From pink to red
in one short moment
my face turns
my composure spent
anger burns
within my eyes
daggers drawn
the insult thrown
from lofty heights
of superior vocabulary
sarcasm strewn.
An adversary destroyed
but worthy of destruction?

51) IN TOWN AT DAWN
It is bleak in the night
and the buildings overpower
but with dawns grey light
a sombre street becomes a bower

No real flowers are there
just a joy in my heart
but bird song fills the air
as we pledge not to part

These streets I knew before
in such a different way
when I hated the score
now I'm glad to be gay.

52) WOLVERHAMPTON
Kipper coloured buildings
empty slate grey streets
were all you ever offered me.
Brooding office blocks
empty, shuttered shops
a taste of forges in the air.
Then one spring morning at five
unseen, a blackbird's welcome fills the air
my love for Wolverhampton is born.

53) CHINE LOVER AUG. '75
Beside a sea grey gone in night and mist
hand in hand we strolled and kissed
slower still as further we went
away from people ever intent
to know what two men might do
lovingly together as we were we two
behind the beach huts up on the chine
finally, I was yours, oh, were you mine?

54) WALKING HOME. MAY '76
Ever brighter
the dawn comes
to the concrete towers
that are my city
giving them light
but not life
Slowly I walk home
a road, a turn, a road
an island and on
the alcoholic ease
dispersing to depression
alone once more.
I cross the last island
climb the last steps
to turn the key
in the door of home.
Home
a single bed
a cigarette
Ms. Simone
and me.

55) ANY MAN.
My desire is as any man's
as are my needs
greater or less than average
I conduct no polls
my lust has lessened with age
as has my virility
am I different to any man?
But my need is for my own
the clean sweep of firm muscles
the matching of strengths
the firmness of erection
desire for me I can see
feel
touch
measure
mouth
gauge
assuage.

56) CHANCE ENCOUNTER Aug.'76
Eyes, always noticed first
I read a challenge,
or was it amusement
you were interested
the spark was always there
when frequently I glanced your way.

And after we spoke
the trap was sprung
your accent'
that rough Scots burr
bait taken, hook fast
I landed at your feet.

57) UNKNOWN WARRIOR Aug.'78
Short, thick dark hair
in certain arrangement
as with features
regular
deep eyes, set wide
a warm, deep brown
a becoming colour
and on the beach
proud self-knowledge
of your bodies beauty
your friends too plentiful
I am too shy to speak
and so, man to man
I watch and dream.

58) TONY June '75
Two years ago I first saw you
two years ago I fell in love
you were less sure then
you hadn't been to London
you hadn't met the queens
the has beens
the purchasers of flesh
fresh flesh
suburban chicken.
You're surer now
maturer now
more groomed
even flip
Why didn't I tell you two years ago?

59) AM I BLUE Sept. '75
How long must I continue
from one day to the next
from days to months
from months to years
without emotional progress.
I feel nothing
not even empty
my anger, just a joke
when, oh when
will my love be put to the test.
Once I loved
for four short months
was that enough to build a life
to highlight my inadequacies
so that I could build stronger.
No, it was not even enough to regret
and yet
in some small corner of my heart
comatose
must lie a feeling, a thought
that I can give
to someone other than myself.

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