Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2006 07:48:08 -0700
From: qwb <qwb@san.rr.com>
Subject: Stonegate Stable, ch 6

Come good days and bad days
The sun's gonna rise
So why look beyond
What's in front of your eyes
- Life Gets Away, Clint Black


     His hand hesitated for a fraction of a second and he took a deeper
breath before he spoke. "`The' someone?"

     "I don't know. Maybe. I barely know him." I picked up his free hand in
mine and studied it, running my fingertip along the lines in his palm,
tracing the veins on the back of his hand. He kept his nails short and
manicured since his hands were always on display at the restaurants. "Do
you love me?"

     I felt his heart rate increase to match my own and knew that we were
going down a road neither of us could turn around on. "Yes. I love you,
Sean. DidDid you doubt it?"

     "No. But we never say it and . . . I needed to hear it."

     There was a long silence, then Vincent spoke. "Are you ending our
relationship?" His voice was not quite steady and the blunt rawness of his
words had me turning to him in surprise. His face was expressionless but
his eyes gave him away. Dark and liquid, they searched mine and he looked
more vulnerable than I'd ever seen him.

     "No! , eyesNo. God . . . I knew before you came over tonight that I
couldn't do that." I settled back down against him, stroking my hand along
his bare arm, ruffling the dark hair, and we were quiet for a bit. "What
did you want to talk to me about?" I asked him.

     He sighed and said softly but very clearly, "I am in love with you,
Sean." He stopped me when I tried to twist toward him. "I have been for
years."

     I struggled in his arms. "Let me go!" He loosened his hold on me and I
turned quickly to kneel between his legs, gripping his wrists, staring at
him. "You're in love with me?"

     He nodded, looking at me gravely. "Remember the day Amanda's horse
kicked you and I stayed here a few days taking care of you?" He glanced
away, looking into the cold fireplace. "I imagined doing that forever." He
turned back to me. "But you got better and made it clear that you didn't
need me any more."

     There was a bitter note in his voice that tore at me. "No! I was
afraid if I needed you too much, you'd pull away and I didn't want to lose
you. God, why didn't you tell me?"

     "I almost did but I was afraid, too. You had Dylan and whoever else
back then and I didn't feel I could ask you choose so I became your friend.
Your lover. After a while, it was mostlyalmost enough."

     "And now? Is that what you want, Vincent? Do you want it to be just
you and me?"

     "No, not any more. I did, at first, but I like Dylan and the other
guys and I enjoy fooling around with them. Eventually I realized that what
I really wanted was for you to need me. For us to need each other. I want
what everyone wants, Sean. The security of knowing you'll be there for me
at the end of every single day. To make plans together that go farther out
than just a couple days. To make some sort of life together."

     I crawled up onto his chest and began to kiss him but he pushed me
gently back. "What about you, Sean? What do you want?"

     I shook my head and shrugged a little. "I don't know any more. When we
first met, I fell in love with you but I knew there was someone else. You
didn't talk to me about him so . . . I didn't know what to think. I thought
it must be pretty serious and I was just glad when you had time for me." He
closed his eyes for a moment, but didn't speak. "Is this why you've been a
little off the past couple weeks?"

     He nodded. "It was getting too hard to be just your fuck buddy. I need
more, Sean. I love you and I want more."

      "Is that what you think you are to me? My 'fuck buddy'? Jesus,
Vincent!"

     "What then? What am I to you?"

     "My best friend. I don't want to lose you. But I like TJ. I want to
get to know him better."

     He didn't speak for quite a while and when he did, it was in a voice
I'd never heard from him, cool and remote, and it made my skin crawl. "I
understand. But I can't hang around while you see him. Now that you know
how I feel, I can't . . . I can't be with you. Not until you figure it out,
one way or the other." He took my face in his hands and kissed me very
softly, then pushed me away again, less gently this time, rose from the
couch and walked out of the room. The thud of the front door closing behind
him was loud in the quiet house and I jerked at the sound.

     I was miserable the next day. I kept replaying our conversation in my
head but it always ended with the finality of the front door clicking shut.
Even the thought of seeing TJ tonight wasn't much help. I didn't get home
till 6:30 and was just getting out of the shower when I heard the security
ding of TJ's car coming up the drive. I yanked on jeans shirt and and
jogged down the stairs to let him in. He was dressed casually and as usual,
his golden good looks took my breath away for a minute. I kissed him
briefly and led him into the den where Maria had left us a cold supper.
After I poured two glass of wine, I turned to him on the couch, bringing my
knee up to rest against his leg.

     "TJ. We don't know each other well at all and I haven't had a chance
to tell you about my friends, my life away from the barn. I fuck around
with several guys on a regular basis. One of them, Vincent, has been a good
friend for years." He looked away from me and I saw his face harden,
knowing what was coming. "When I told him that I met you, we started
talking about our relationship, something we hadn't done before."

     He held up a hand and rose from the couch, shaking his head as he
walked across the room. "I don't need to hear the rest. You love him, don't
you? I can hear it in your voice."

     "Yes, I love him. But it's not that simple. I'm attracted to you and I
want to spend some time with you, but not in bed. That's too easy." I got
up and went to him, wrapping my arms around him from behind. He stiffened
but didn't pull away. "I'm not sorry I slept with you but I'm not going to
do it again until I get a few things figured out." I took him back to the
couch, pulling him close against me as we sank down. "TJ, you need to meet
my buddies. They'll like you as much as I do and it'll be good for you."

     We sat there for a couple hours, kissing a little, talking a lot. He
had never lived completely out, as a gay man comfortable with himself and
his life, and he asked me all sorts of questions about my friends and
family, how I handled discrimination (badly and legally, if I had to) and
things like whether I was affectionate with other men in public (yes, but
not blatantly). Answering him in depth made me think about myself, about
how I lived, what I cared about and believed in. By the time he left, he
was willing to meet Dylan and Adam, so I called Dylan and we set it up for
the following Friday night at his place.

     TJ hugged me for a long time at the door. "Thanks for being honest
with me."

     After he left, I sat in the dark den for another hour, thinking about
Vincent and TJ. They were so different, yet I was very attracted to both of
them. Vincent was quiet, deep, and I knew that there were parts of himself
he'd probably never share with me. We had a lot of history together, years
spent in each other's company, so that I knew which brand of toothpaste he
preferred, his mother's birthday, his love of old books. He was a steady
presence in my life and I was comfortable with that. Maybe a little too
comfortable.

     TJ, on the other hand, was like a golden sparkler on a dark July
night, all chills up my spine and those hot, hot kisses. He was new and
exciting, and I wanted him badly. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I gave up and
went to bed but slept poorly, visions of Vincent's warm smile pushed aside
by TJ's blue eyes.

     Friday arrived and I drove to Dylan's. We had decided that jerking off
to a porn flick was a good ice breaker for TJ. Lots of sex in the air but
not with each other in case he was feeling bashful with two new guys and a
group setting. He was such a kid in some ways that I didn't feel dragging
him into bed with 2 other guys was the way to go, at least at first. Adam
was there when I arrived and greeted me with a hug and a slow kiss that I
must not have returned with enough enthusiasm. He pulled back to look at
me, concern in his eyes. "What's wrong?"

     I sighed and tried to cheer up. "Nothing. Vincent and I are . . . not
talking at the moment."

     His eyebrows shot up. "Not talking? Is he being a jerk?"

     "No, no. It's personal." I smiled at him and turned away when the
doorbell announced TJ's arrival. Both Dylan and Adam hugged him and,
although he looked a little surprised, he returned the hugs warmly. We
settled around the TV with beers and munchies and Dylan hit the 'play'
button on Gus Mattox and Kent Larson. Mmmmm. It wasn't long before Dylan
had his dick out with Adam and I close behind. TJ glanced at us, then took
a second look at Adam's overhand technique and reflexively put a hand on
his crotch.

     I reached over and groped him a little, making him jump. "Come on,
golden boy, get with the program."

     He laughed, shaking his head while he opened his pants and lifted his
big cock free. It was stiff but not fully hard yet and it got Dylan's and
Adam's immediate attention. He started stroking it loosely and we all
stared while it swelled, growing longer and fatter until Dylan was
practically licking his lips. Eventually Gus and Kent re-captured our
interest and the movie finished us off in predictable fashion. Dylan
welcomed TJ to the gang by standing between his knees and shooting cum all
over his stomach, thoughtfully yanking his t-shirt up first. I thought TJ's
eyes were going to pop out of his head but he obviously got into it cause
he almost had a coronary when he climaxed, convulsing and groaning,
shooting hot shots clear up to his chin. I left them undressing and heading
for the shower. TJ gave me a pleading look but I assured him it was cool
and the last I saw of him, Dylan's hand was on his ass as they walked down
the hall. I drove slowly home.

     I spent the next week just getting through the days. I went to work
early and caught up on all the little shit that always gets put off till
later. I sorted tack, straightened up my desk, cleaned out the big horse
trailer that we used constantly and which was always a mess, rode horses
till my shoulder throbbed. I spent the evenings alone, floating around the
pool until the stars came out, then trudging up to the house for something
to eat. After I showered, I usually sat in the den for a while thinking
about all sorts of things. When I bought this house and started working at
Stonegate I was young, only 23, and still hurting emotionally over the loss
of my Gran Prix career. All I thought about then was when I was going to
get laid next and who was driving to the bar that night. I wasn't a total
fuck up but I was young, single and cruisin'.

     Now I was 30, no longer a kid, and the things that mattered to me were
very different. My friends, my family, my job running the stable and
preparing the equine stars of tomorrow - I cared deeply about them all. I
didn't have any one light bulb moment that week but I did begin to
understand more about the things that were really important to me, what I
wanted the rest of my life to be like. I was exhausted but I still couldn't
sleep more than a few hours at a time. I usually just stayed on the couch
in the den, curled up in the last place Vincent had held me. I masturbated
myself to sleep most nights, imagining it was his hand on my cock.

     That Wednesday I ran into Cody at the barn. He took one look at my
face and dragged me into the tack room, shutting the door firmly behind
him. "What's the matter? Are you sick?" he demanded.

     I shook my head, trying to smile at him. "No, I'm okay." But he wasn't
buying it and I finally told him the bare bones of what was going on. His
eyes played over my face as I spoke and when I finished, he took me in his
arms but didn't speak. After a while he let me go and we went back to work.
I didn't see him any more that day but Wade called later that afternoon and
asked me to come over.

     "Not tonight, Wade. I'm just not in the mood, sorry."

     "Neither are we," he replied. "We want to talk to you."

     He wouldn't take no for an answer so I finally agreed to come over for
dinner, figuring I could get home early enough to wallow in the den some
more. Wade greeted me with a long hug which felt great. He's a big guy and
you know you've been hugged when he gets done with you. He pulled back a
little, put his hand to my cheek and looked me over. "You look like shit,"
he announced.

     "I love you, too," I chuckled, then blew out a breath. "Yeah, I know.
This has got me pretty fucked up."

     We ate grilled chicken and salad, then settled into their big over
sized sofa, me in the middle, our legs in a tangle. I hadn't been with
anyone in almost two weeks and the physical contact with two close friends,
men who cared about me, was almost overwhelming. They could tell I was
close to the edge and didn't say anything for a while, just sat there with
me. Cody leaned into my shoulder with his face in my neck. His breath was
warm on my skin and I tipped my head to rub my cheek against his hair. Wade
watched us, a small smile curling the corners of his mouth as he rubbed his
thumb over the back of my hand.

     "Do you love Vincent?" he finally asked me.

     I shook my head slowly. "Of course."

     "But you have the hots for TJ." It was a statement, not a question. I
nodded. "Have you slept with him?" I nodded again. "And?"

     I shrugged. "It was good. Actually, it was great. He's a good guy."

     "But?" His voice held a challenge.

     I looked at him. He looked back hard, willing me to think it through.
It wasn't very difficult. "But he's not Vincent."

     "Bingo." He lay back and swung his legs across my lap, bending one
knee to rest it against my chest. I hugged it to me, running my hand from
knee to groin. Each time my hand reached the crease of his big thigh, he
pushed up into me a little. "You've known Vincent, what? Eight, ten years?
You guys get along better than anybody I know. We've always wondered what
was keeping you from getting together."

     I'd never told them about the marks on Vincent's wrists. When I did
now, they both fell silent for a moment, then Wade said, "How long since
you saw them last?"

     How long? Years. It had been years since he'd come to me with the
marks of another man on his body. I shook my head, ashamed that I hadn't
realized sooner. All that time he'd been loving me.

     "Sean." When I looked up at him, he reached out and ran his knuckles
along my jaw. "What I have with Cody is the best thing that ever happened
to me. I enjoyed my life before you introduced us but the last 4 years are
what I was waiting for." He smiled at Cody who was rubbing Wade's bare foot
and watching him intently. "Vincent is offering you that. Make damn sure
before you say `no thanks'."

     Cody leaned down and kissed Wade's big toe. "We had us a bitta the
same problem. Wade was so settled and responsible, Mr. Wahhhl Street. Ah
grew up in a pickup truck and the back lots of rodeos and shore as hell
didn't think Ah was ready to take on a mortgage and a partner. Luckily Wade
kept after me. God knows where Ah'd be if he hadn't." He had to stop while
Wade sat up and crawled across my lap to kiss him. "All Ah'm saying is, you
and Vincent already love each other. Is it worth risking that for a kid you
jist met?"

     I must have looked wiped out because they pulled me off the couch,
stripped me in the bedroom and sandwiched me in between them in their big
sleigh bed. As Wade draped his arm across me to hold Cody's shoulder, he
kissed the back of my neck and whispered, "Go with your heart, Sean." As I
drifted off to sleep, I thought that sounded like good advice.

     I drove slowly to work the next morning. It had been 2 weeks since
Vincent had walked out my front door and it felt like 2 years. There was an
ache in my chest that had only gotten worse. I thought about TJ, about
where he was in his life right now and knew I was past that. I, too, wanted
more. I dialed Vincent's number as I parked next to the office. He answered
on the second ring and the sound of his voice tightened my chest. "Hi, it's
me."

     "Hey . . . you okay?"

     "No," I said, my voice shaky. "No, I'm not okay. I need to see you.
Tonight."

     The silence was so long that I closed my eyes. When he finally spoke
his voice wasn't steady either. "I'll be there at 7." The phone went dead
in my ear. I went through the day on auto pilot, not a smart idea around
horses, finally waking up when Maddy's big draft cross gelding mashed my
foot into the dirt. I gimped around the rest of the day, thinking of all
the things I wanted to tell Vincent, hoping it wasn't too late.

     I was limping down the steps when the front door swung open and he
stepped in. I stopped when he saw me and our eyes locked. He pushed the
door shut behind him and leaned back against it. His hair was tied back and
he was wearing a white t-shirt and faded jeans. He looked beautiful to me,
standing there in the dim light of the entryway, black eyes watching me
from his dark somber face. I could see every day of the past 2 weeks in the
shadows under his eyes and the lines around his mouth, and I could tell by
the way he looked at me that he could see the same.

      "There's something I need to know."

     He nodded as if he knew what I was going to ask him. "The rope marks?"
he said. I nodded. "I haven't seen him in 5 years. After I met you, I knew
I had to get away from him. It . . . just took me a while."

     I went down the last couple steps and crossed the hall to him,
reaching up a hand to run the tips of my fingers down his cheek. His jaw
clenched as he tipped his face into my hand and his eyes never left mine.
The feel of him was achingly familiar. His hands, his mouth, his cock had
taken me past the point of reason too many times to count. Those dark eyes
had watched me through the orgasms, tears, laughter, and despair of the
last eight years. And through it all they had watched me with love and
acceptance. I knew what I wanted.

     "Vincent, I love you. I need you. I want us to make a life together."
I gave his words back to him, putting my heart into it. "If you'll have
me."

     - - - - - - - - - -

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