Date: Sun, 16 Feb 2003 15:57:10 +0000
From: Jeffrey Fletcher <jeffyrks@hotmail.com>
Subject: A Tale of Two Englsihmen Part 4

This is a story that involves sex between males.  If such a story is
offensive to you, or illegal for you to read where you live, then do not
continue, go and surf elsewhere.

This is a work of fiction and in no way draws on the lives of any specific
person or persons.  If there is any  similarity to any real  persons or
events it is entirely  coincidental.

This work is copyrighted (c) by the author and may not be reproduced in any
form   without the specific written permission of the author. It is assigned
to the   Nifty Archives under the terms of their submission agreement but it
may not be   copied or archived on any other site without the written
permission of the   author.

My thanks to John who has read this through for any details that may need
explanation for transatlantic, or non UK  readers, and made several
corrections.  Any remaining errors,  grammatical, spelling, historical or
whatever are entirely my fault.

If you wish to comment on the story then do contact me on
Jeffyrks@hotmail.com.  I aim to reply to all messages.

This story is dedicated to Ron,  who lives in an English village, and whose
chance remark while we were chatting gave me the idea for this tale.  The
story bears absolutely no resemblance to his relationship with J.  Neither
Ron or J  identify in any way with either of the two main characters.

Resume:-  Malcolm and Simon are two gay men in their 60s who live in a
homophobic English village, called Whitgest. They have met, but they
carefully conceal their sexual orientation from each other.  Both have been
thinking over their own personal sexual stories.  In this part Simon is
continuing to think over his past,  and especially how he came to get
married.


A Tale of Two Englishmen   Part 4

Simon continued to think back over the past,  and especially why he had
married and stayed married.

He recalled those few days after Chris had told him that sex together was
incompatible with his Catholic faith,  and that they must stop doing it.  He
felt down.  There was almost a physical ache of despair and sorrow deep
within.   There were times when he felt angry.  He felt so lonely.  For the
previous eighteen months he had been able to talk things over with Chris,
but now he was the last person he could turn to.

During Holy Week at Our Lady's Catholic Church there was a service each
evening.  Though in some ways he felt angry with God, and with the Church,
he knew that there in the quiet of the service he could think and be quiet.
On the Tuesday of Holy Week Simon stayed kneeling in the pew after the
service.  Slowly the church quietened, as the other worshippers left.  The
main lights were turned off,  and there was only one light focused on the
cross on the altar.  The rest of the Church was in darkness.  He thought
that Father Simon and Father Michael must have returned to the Presbytery.
He had no idea how long he stayed there.  Thoughts chased themselves round
in his head.  Eventually he stirred,  and immediately he heard another
movement at the back of the church.  He turned, and in the gloom saw that it
was Father Michael who had been kneeling in one of the back pews.  Before
Simon could get on his feet Father Michael  walked down the aisle and joined
him, sitting next to him.

"What's the matter, Simon?  Something's seriously wrong, isn't it?"

Simon leant forward and buried his head in his hands on the pew back in
front of him.

"What's wrong, you can tell me," persisted Father Michael.

Simon remained silent.

When he did not answer Father Michael spoke.   "Can I hazard a guess?
Something has happened between you and Chris.  Something serious has upset
your relationship."

Simon gave a slight nod.

"May I make another guess.  Chris has broken off with you."

"How do you know?" whispered Simon.

"You didn't sit together as you usually do at Sunday Mass.  He looks sad,
but you look far worse.  I reckon he is the one who has taken a step that
was hard for him to take,  and that has come like an unexpected blow in the
belly to you."

Simon gave another slight nod.

"I'm going to keep on guessing.  Your relationship with Chris was more than
just a friendship.  I reckon it was a physical sexual relationship.  And
that Chris has found someone else up at Birmingham, and has had to give you
the push."

"No it's not that.  There's no one else involved."

"What then?  You can tell me.  I am under the seal of the confessional as
much as if we were talking in the confessional over there."

"Last Friday evening Chris told me...."    He got no further.  The
floodgates opened and the tears began to flow.  His body convulsed with
great sobs.   Father Michael's hand came and rested  on his shoulder.

Simon had to make two or three attempts before he could continue,  and when
he did it was haltingly,  with pauses while he wiped his eyes and blew his
nose.

"Last Friday evening he said that it must be the last time because he now
believed that what we were doing was totally wrong......You see he has got
very involved with CathSoc up at Birmingham....There's this Catholic
Chaplain saying that it is terribly sinful what we've been doing.  That
we're endangering our immortal souls. ....But I love him Father Michael, I
love him."  There was a fresh flowing of tears.

"Thank you for telling me.  I had guessed a long time ago that you were
having sex together."

"How?" said Simon beginning to perk up.

"Just intuition.  The way you were always together.  The way that you looked
at each other.  The way there were times you obviously wanted to hurry away
together.  For those with eyes to see and ears to hear, I reckon it was
pretty obvious what you were both up to."

"Why didn't you say something, tell us off?"

"There is a time to speak and a time to be silent.  Let me say I bided my
time.  I awaited the opportunity.  If I had taken either of you on one side
or spoken to you both, I reckon you'd have been very hurt and angry.  I
would have lost any possibility of helping either of you.   Perhaps, with it
all happening like this I can help you now."

"Sorry for crying like a baby."

"That's okay with me."  Father Michael again put his hand on Simon's
shoulder.  "You're suffering a sort of bereavement.  Tears are the natural
expression of your emotions.  It's good that you can weep.  It's nothing to
be ashamed of."

"I hadn't thought of it like that."

"You feel as though you've lost someone you love."

"But I haven't.  He's still alive.  He says he still loves me."

"I know.  I am not surprised that he still loves you.  He is making a costly
sacrifice for the sake of the Lord.  It is a costly sacrifice for him to
stop doing it, you know, Simon."

"I hadn't thought of it like that."

"He's had time to think it all over.  No doubt he has discussed it with this
University chaplain. But for you it has not been a dawning realisation.  He
has bluntly told you, 'No more.'  That's very hard for you to bear.  I
expect you feel angry as well.  Angry with Chris.  Angry with the Church.
Angry with God. "

Simon nodded.

"That's all understandable.  If you're angry with God, I hope you've told
Him."

Simon looked at Father Michael with shock in his eyes.  "Angry with God?"

"Yes.  Many of the greatest of saints have got angry with God at times.  He
is quite used to dealing with angry saints."

"But I'm no saint."

"Maybe not, but you are someone loved by God."

That sat for a while in silence.

"Let's go over to the Presbytery,  and have another wee dram of that lovely
Irish whiskey.   I think you deserve it."

They stood up, and Simon followed Father Michael over to the Presbytery.

Over a glass of well watered whiskey Simon told Father Michael a little more
of his friendship with Chris.  The priest listened carefully,  and
encouraged Simon to tell him everything.

"Aren't you shocked, Father?"

"A priest hears many things.  Many, many far worse things than that.  You
acted largely out of love, and love covers a multitude of sins."

"Thanks for listening.  Do you know I feel a little better now I've told you
all about it.  Just the telling to someone who cares and listens,   it's
been a sort of confession, I feel."

"Indeed it has.  I think you will need to talk again.  Probably several
times.  I am always here to listen.  I shall pray for you.  But before you
go, I am going to pray for you.  I shall reserve formal absolution until
you're ready, to make a confession.  I don't think you ready yet.  If you
confess to me,  you won't need to confess everything again."    Father
Michael prayed a short prayer for both Simon and Chris.

"Thanks for including Chris.  Having talked to you I reckon that he needs
your prayers as much as me."

As they went to the door of  the Presbytery Father Michael put his arm round
Simon's shoulders and gave him a brief hug.

That was the first of many talks that Simon had with Father Michael over the
next five months.  There was an interval in them for the summer term at
Nottingham.  Which was largely taken up with work, exams and cricket.

It was the third week of the term that Simon got a letter from Chris.

Dear Si,
I have been thinking long and hard about writing this letter.  I know what I
want to say but do not know how to say it.
I have been missing you a lot,  and hurting a great deal inside.  I reckon
your pain must be infinitely more than mine.  I knew what I was doing.  To
you it all must have come as a great shock.  I think of you a great deal,
and wonder how you are.
Si, I miss you.  I miss talking to you, and arguing with you;  and yes, I
miss what else we did together, though I now believe that to have been very
wrong.  I still love you,  and just wish you were still that special friend.
May I make a suggestion.  You will probably rule it out of court.  Can I
come up and meet you for a few hours in Nottingham.  Perhaps I am being
selfish, but I would love to see you,  and hopefully find that you are still
that same wonderful Simon.  We could then see whether we can still talk
together,  and put the world to rights as we used to.
With love,
Yours Chris.

Simon thought it over for about ten days.  He then wrote saying yes to
Chris's suggestion and offering a number of dates later in the term, after
the exams.  Chris replied selecting one date,  and saying what time he would
arrive in Nottingham.

They met at the station ticket barrier.   They shook hands,  unlike the
brief hug at their earlier meeting at the same place.  The first half hour
was difficult, with long silences between them.   Slowly they relaxed with
each other and began to talk freely.  It was not long before they were into
their usual political argument.  When the time came for Chris to return to
Birmingham they both thought that the time together had been worth while.
Their friendship looked as though it would survive the crisis that Chris had
imposed upon it.

The talks between Simon and Father Michael varied in length.  They
frequently covered the same ground, but as Simon thought over this period in
his past, he realised how important those conversations had been.

At first they frequently examined the sexual relationship with Chris.  It
was not that Father Michael had a prurient desire for  the details.  Father
Michael's concern was to try and discover how firmly set was Simon's desire
for sex with a male.  Was  his homosexuality just a passing adolescent
phase, as it seemed to be with so many lads?  It was true that Simon had
never had a girl friend, or any apparent desire for sex with a girl;  but
nor had quite a number of boys of that era.  This was especially true for
those boys like Simon, who went to a single sex schools for all but the
earliest years of their school education.  Father Michael thought the jury
was still out on that one.

As time went by they increasingly began to discuss the teaching of the Roman
Catholic Church.  Here Simon was surprised.  Father Michael was sympathetic,
gentle and kind when dealing with him personally.  But when it came to the
teaching of the Church Simon found him as strict and inflexible as he had no
doubt was Father Ignatius.  There was no give when it came to the official
position.

"But Simon,  God created men and women to have sex with each other.  To
increase and multiply.  To have sex with sex with a man is to go against the
will and purpose of the Almighty.  It is a flagrant misuse of what God has
made."

"Why then, leaving myself out of it for a moment, why then does he create
some men wanting only to have sex with other men,  and not wanting it at all
with a woman?"

"To want sex with another man is a disordered condition.  God gives us
freedom.  When a man has sex with another man he is using the freedom God
has given him in a wrong way.  I am free to give you a black eye.  God won't
stop me.  But if I give you a black eye that is misusing my freedom.  It is
not God's fault at all.  I don't think God created some men with the desire
for sex with men."

"Why do some men only want sex with men then?"

"It is a wilful perversion, Simon.  It is taking what God has purposed and
twisting it,  warping it to our own sinful desires."

" Where does that desire come from?"

"Good question, Simon.  I don't think we know.   Whether it is because of
original sin from our birth,  or because of something that has happened to
us in our early life, I just don't know.  It is the putting into action,
the actual deed that is so terribly wrong.   I think it was Martin Luther
who said that we can't stop birds flying over our heads,  but we can stop
them making nests in our hair.  You may not be able to stop the desires
coming into your heart and mind,  but you can stop them making a nest there,
  a nest that can lead you into actual sin."

"I didn't know you could quote Martin Luther, Father!"

"He was a good Catholic monk before he went astray,  and a little of the
good must've remained in him."

They laughed.

"But Father,  the deed is done.  And I enjoyed it.  Does that put me on full
course to the eternal fire?"

"Not if you repent.  God's love is boundless.  He forgives all who are
penitent. As the beloved Apostle wrote, If we confess our sin God is
faithful and just and will forgive us all our sin,  and cleanse us from all
unrighteousness.   And there is no footnote Simon, saying with the exception
of Simon,  or with the exception of the sin of sex with another man.  But
Simon, forgiveness is an offer from God you must take up.  You need to
confess to obtain forgiveness.  If you don't repent and confess then you are
in danger of eternal hell fire."

On another occasion they were discussing the sinfulness of male with male
sex.

"So you say then, Father, that if sex is not to be sinful it must to be
procreative.."

"Must be open to the possibility of procreation."

"Okay then,  if all non sinful sex needs to be open to the possibility of
procreation, does that mean that there is a sort of hierarchy of sexual
sins?  That some are more sinful than others?"

Father Michael thought for a moment,   "Yes,  I suppose some are indeed more
sinful than others. Simon."

"Sex within marriage is okay then."

"Yea, that's fine, Simon."

"Well, what about when the woman is too old to have children."

"That's alright, because it is within the marriage.  And Sarah bore Abraham
when she was well passed the age of childbearing.  You could just say that
there is a possibility of procreation."

"What about sex between a man and a woman who are not married."

"That's outside marriage."

"But there could be a distinct possibility of procreation, Father,"  said
Simon with a grin.  "Is sex between an unmarried couple,  more or less
serious than rape?"

"Rape is more serious.  It is a violation against the will of the woman.
That is very wrong.  But both are wrong."

"But rape is more wrong than the other."

"I suppose so." said Father Michael.

"So we are getting a hierarchy of sexual sins.  Innocent when within
marriage,  slightly sinful when between two unmarried people of the opposite
sex,  and more serious when it is rape."

"I suppose so."

"Where does sex between two men who love each other come?"

"That is very serious.  There is no possibility of procreation.  It is
against nature."

"But Father,  for many men who only want sex with another man,  to have sex
with a woman is against their nature.  Is it not?"

"It is a thoroughly disordered condition, Simon.  You know that.  I have
said it many times before, as you well know."

"And where does masturbation come in our list?  No procreation,  no love for
another.  Is that the most serious sin of all?"

"The danger in masturbation is that it usually involves lustful thought
after another.  That is condemned by our Lord in the Sermon on the Mount."

"And what about when...."

"And you, Simon, my friend, are just winding me up,  trying to get me
tangled up.  I am not a moral theologian.  You should argue it out with a
real expert."

Simon thought he might have got the better in that discussion.

Once towards the end of the summer vac when Simon was having one of his
talks he asked him outright.

"Father Michael,  may I ask you a personal question?"
"You may ask, I reserve the right not to answer."
"Chris and I often wondered about you?"
"In what way?"  replied the priest,  with a rather apprehensive look on his
face.

"Well, we wondered if you were actually like us.  If given half a chance, or
if you had not been ordained, you would have gone with men rather than
girls."

"That's a cheeky question, Simon.  I'm sure you'd love to know."   He
thought carefully for a moment.  "I think you may be right.  But I've never
had any sexual experience either with a man or a woman."

"Not even a mutual toss off behind the cycle sheds at school?"

"Not even behind the cycle sheds at school.  Does that satisfy your
enquiring mind?"

"Thanks for answering, Father.   Seal of the confessional and all that!"

But there was something else that Father Michael said in nearly all their
talks together.   "God has a purpose for us all, Simon.  Especially that it
true for  a good Catholic boy like you.  It may be that he wants you to be a
priest or a religious."

That always brought a strong denial from Simon.  "No way, Father.  I 'm sure
God is not calling me to that!"

"Stranger things than that have happened.  Some who have denied and resisted
the call,  have turned out to be some of God's most faithful servants,
saints even.   But even if God is not calling you to that, as a Catholic man
you are definitely called to marry and have children,  and bring them up as
good Catholics.  It is the call to increase and multiply."

Simon often just looked at him and smiled.

For Simon there was no one else after Chris.  He did not seek someone else,
he did not even go out seeking a casual encounter.  To begin with it was
Chris or no one.  Yes,  he found relief by himself,  with his own hand, like
the overwhelming majority of boys of his age.  Slowly he began to be
affected by all that Father Michael was saying to him.  Perhaps his
relationship with Chris had just been an adolescent fling.  Perhaps he was
growing out of it.  After all so many boys did.

It was in the middle of the summer vac that Patricia appeared with a friend
at the Youth Club.  She had just moved into the area and started coming to
the Church.   She had been recruited into the Youth Club by Father Michael.
She and her friend were keen on tennis.  So she made the suggestion that
they played some mixed tennis on some nearby courts.   Now in those days
tennis was never a boy's school sport.  None of the boys had ever played
other than the knock around with the odd ancient racket in the back garden
or street.  Patricia was an organiser,  and very persuasive.  She soon got a
group of three or four boys to join a similar number of girls.  Simon was
one of the group involved.   With a lot of clowning around and laughter,
the boys began to get the hang of the game.

Towards the end of the Summer Vac there was a regular group of young people
meeting to play tennis.  Very soon a certain amount of pairing up began to
take place.

It was during the Christmas Vac after Church on the Fourth Sunday of Advent
that Chris took Simon to one side.

"There's something I want to tell you, Si."

"Yea, what?"

"I've got a girl friend, I'm in love."

"Oh."

"Aren't you pleased?"

"If you pleased, then I suppose I'm pleased for you.  But I can't help
remembering what we said to each other in Epping Forest."

"But we were just boys then.  We're men now."

"I suppose so."

Nigel held another of his parties that Christmas.  Chris did not go because
he thought it sinful.  Simon did not go because he knew that it would bring
back too many painful memories.  Nigel tried several times to get off with
Simon,  but Simon was just not interested.

It was during the Summer Vac that Chris told Simon that he was engaged to be
married.

"Congratulations.  I hope you will both be very happy." said Simon.  He
could now be more enthusiastic, as there was the slightest of stirrings of
interest in Patricia.

"I do hope you will be my best man when I get married, Si."

"Thanks Chris.  I will do that for you, if that's what you really want."

"Yes, it is what I really want.  By the way, have you met any other guys?
You know what I mean?"

"You're asking if I've been having sex with men since we stopped?   The
answer is , 'No'."

"I'm glad to hear it, Si.  Perhaps you will find some nice Catholic girl,
and fall in love, and raise a cricket team of strapping Catholic sons."

"Perhaps!"

Simon's remaining time at university saw him engaging in no sexual activity
with another,  either male or female.  The relationship with Patricia
progressed very slowly.  Over a period of months it became a friendship.
Then what can be described as a period of courtship.   They got engaged, and
were eventually married in the Church of our Lady,  on Saturday 14th
September 1963.

Father Michael was exceedingly pleased with the way things worked out.

"I told you it might be just a passing phase.  Many boys got through it,
especially if they go to an all boys school, like you did.  Now we can look
forward to a good Catholic family,  and some good Catholic children."

If either Patricia or Simon had been asked about their sex life,  they would
probably both answered 'satisfactory.'  They enjoyed it,  but neither of
them found it totally fulfilling.  Patricia saw it much as her duty.  Simon
did not find it as fulfilling or exciting as he had hoped.  Whenever he
dared to look back, he knew that it was nowhere near as good as things had
been with Chris.  But he rarely looked back,  that was an area of his past
that he did not like investigating.  He was too afraid of what he might
learn.   This was especially true after the publication of the Wolfenden
Report,  and the slowly mounting debate about gay rights.  That part of his
past was better dead, buried, and forgotten.

He was also very busy.  He was one of the large number of people who made
their way morning by morning by tube up to the City.   Respectably dressed
in his dark suit,  and in the early days often with a neatly rolled
umbrella, he was a typical city gent.  Promotion steadily came his way.

When they married they bought a house in Finchley.   They did not have a
cricket team of strapping sons,  but just two daughters.  Patricia found
pregnancy unpleasant and labour difficult and wanted no more children.
They decided to go against the teaching of their Church and use birth
control.  This aroused a feeling of guilt in Patricia, and became a
contributory reason for the decreasing frequency of sex between them.

The friendship started on the tennis court proved a good one.   Patricia and
Simon got on well together.  There were many things they had in common.
Their home,  family,  Church, tennis all helped.  They also talked together
about everything under the sun,  and frequently argued much in the way hat
Simon had done with Chris.  But perhaps one of the biggest bonuses was that
their shared a similar sense of humour.   Shared laughter helped them.  So
the marriage progressed.

That is the reason why Simon got married,  and the reason why he stayed
married.

Of the others involved,  Chris got married as soon as he finished at
University in 1959.  Simon was his best man.  He moved away,  and soon the
relationship was one of 'Christmas card only'.

Jeffyrks@hotmail.com