Date: Sun, 6 Jun 2010 16:50:01 -0700 From: juilian james <juniorj009@gmail.com> Subject: what makes a family chapter 3/gay relationships/gay interracial WHAT MAKES A FAMILY BY: Julien This story is 100% fictional and is by no means depictive of the life of any person, place or thing. It contains sexual activities between males and should only be read if it is legal to do so in your area. Read at your own risk and enjoy. Comments are welcomed and would be very much appreciated. ENJOY! This will be a short mini series of sort. Comments are always appreciated. Thanks. J. CHAPTER 3 NEIL The nerve of him! How dare he try to come off as the wronged party! I could feel my blood begin to boil and my first instinct was to punch him in his mouth, silencing his words, but I didn't. I wouldn't allow him to get the best of me. "We have nothing to talk about so stay the hell away from me and MY son or else I'm gonna have to take legal action." "And what are you gonna tell the courts, that I am an eminent danger to you and David? That I'm a violent s.o.b that smacked you both around? What Neil? Run it by me so you can hear how ridiculous it's gonna sound when you bring it to a judge." I hated that smile on his face and would give anything to be able to wipe it off. "Fuck you James! You can drop dead for all I care but I'm telling you to stay the hell away from my son. I will not let you fuck him up the way you fucked me up." "That's just like you Neil, make everything about you. This has absolutely nothing to do with David and you know it. It's always been about you and your feelings and how hurt you are over this. You're so wrapped up in your own damn anger that you could give two bits about that kid." I didn't let him get another word in as a swung my fist as hard as I could and made contact with his mouth. And I watched in horror as he stumbled back, blood trickling from his lip. He narrowly missed hitting his head against the door and instead caught the edge of the counter top with his hands, maintaining his balance. We must have been arguing pretty loud as the door swung open and David and Matt came running in. "Jesus! What happened James?" Matt called out, running to James' side and leading him towards the kitchen chairs and letting him sit on it. He had asked his question for James' benefit but had looked at me disapprovingly when he said it. "It's fine Matt, just get me some ice and a dish rag and I'll get cleaned up. It's not a big deal." "What the hell is wrong with you man, you're bleeding!" "You don't say Matt, and here I thought I was just drunk drooling." He chuckled at his own little joke, but neither Matt nor David found it funny. "It's not a big deal, I fell and busted my lip, and it's nothing." And as if to close the argument, he stood up, walked over to the sink, turned on the facet and began to wash his mouth out. Matt made a fuss getting him ice and a towel while I stood frozen with David's' disapproving gaze on me as if saying, "I can't believe you would stoop so low!" And I did the only thing I could, I turned around and walked out. DAVID Being in the middle always sucks and right now, it was sucking big time. Neil was my biological dad but James was also my dad and right now, I had no problem choosing a side. I loved my dad to death but right now, he had clearly gone off the deep end. For a while I had thought he was making headway but this, this was just ridiculous. I know he hit James despite what he was telling Uncle Matt and I knew he probably did it out of anger and for the first time in a long time, I felt ashamed to call him dad. When Uncle Matt departed the kitchen in search of my father, I hesitantly walked up to James and sat down across from him. He smiled at me and reached out to squeeze my shoulder. "I'm sorry you had to see that kiddo." He sounded sympathetic, even apologetic even though I knew it wasn't his fault and I told him so. "I know, I just didn't want you to get dragged into all this negative shit between me and your father." "Too late. I'm already in it." And I was. This fight was about me, and previous fights had been about me and it seemed to me that I was the main cause of their tension. Knowing that, I felt like shit. Maybe I was the cause of their split, after all, if I hadn't been doing all that bullshit fighting in school then maybe they would have been able to work things through. But I said none of this to dad. "I love you David, you have to know that and no matter what may be going on between me and Neil, I want you to promise me that you'll never doubt that. I didn't have to think too long to come up with a response, "I won't." And with that I leaned into him, encircling my arms around his waist and resting my head against his chest. And it was as if months of acting out and saying things that I knew in my heart were not true had come to a head. I felt the first few tears stream down my face and tried to wipe them away before James could tell I was becoming emotional but the effort seemed wasted as the more I tried to wipe away my tears, the more they flowed down my face and at the moment James' embrace becoming almost stifling, I let out the first sob and my emotions completely took over. "It's ok kiddo, let it out. The situations is fucked up....I know it is and I know that your father and I are not making this any easier on you but I want you to know we love you 100% Despite our actions and words, we love you." And it seemed to be what I needed to hear because before long, I was all out of tears and wanted nothing more than to have James continue holding me. I waited a few minutes before I cleared the knot in my throat, removed myself from James' embrace and with my head down, made my way over to the sink and systematically turning on the faucet. Now that I was out of his embrace, I felt somewhat embarrassed and childish Ð boys don't cry right? Especially when they're sixteen years old. And it was as if James sensed my insecurities for he spoke to me ever so softly. "Don't be embarrassed, we all need to have a good cry now and again and I promise not to tell." And I could imagine his smile before I turned around and saw it. And I closed out this conversation with usual teenage bravado, "And if you ever tell anyone about this dad, I swear I'll get you back!" And what else could he do but smile. NEIL You would think that hitting him would at least give me some sort of satisfaction but all it managed to bring with it was a feeling of shame and embarrassment but more important than those two emotions was the feeling of disappointment that I felt. Disappointed that I was acting like a spurned lover, disappointed that I was reduced to caveman antics at the sight of him but more importantly, disappointed that in my son's eyes I was now an abuser and a loser. I never thought it was possible for David to look at me that way, not even in the early days of James' departure but it was possible and now it left me feeling like an inadequate father. I knew I was stupid to let my emotions get the better of me but I was hurt damn it! I was in pain and I had been for over six months and I wanted James to feel some of that pain with me. I wanted him to suffer like how I was suffering and I wanted him to regret just like I had regret, regret meeting him, regret sleeping with him, regret bringing him into my son's life, regret making a commitment with him and most importantly, regret loving him as deeply as I did. And now all I had to show for it was my tail between my legs and the development of a further wedge between my son and me. David had to hate me because I hated me, I hated the fact that I just couldn't get over it and that I had transferred my fucked up life unto the one person who had loved me unconditionally and who I had promised to take care of for the rest of my life. Just thinking about my failure as I father, I felt my salty tears well up and fall down my face in torrents. I didn't even try to wipe them away because I didn't deserve that, I didn't deserve to not be embarrassed, I didn't deserve to have a son as great as David and obviously I didn't deserve to have a happily ever after as the one I had banked on my and what's his face's relationship turning out to be. "I would kick your ass now if I didn't already feel that you were beat down enough. That was a fucking stupid move you made Neil!" Matt's voice neither sounded angry or compassionate, just there. "Where's David?" I asked, my voice coming across as scratchy. I didn't really want to know the answer but I knew that I needed to hear it. "He's where he needs to be right now and you my friend are where you need to be. Pull your shit together Neil before it's too late. You already lost James, don't make the same mistake and push David away too. That kid is going to need you now more than ever and you owe it to him to put your hurt aside and raise him like the responsible father that you are. That kid looks up to you, even more than he does James because you're it, you're his biological dad and he needs you to tell him everything is going to be ok." "I know" I whispered. "Then act like it. Stop this fucking pity party and man up." And with than he walked over to me and embraced me in his arms holding me tightly. "I don't know how." I stated, holding unto his waist as if my life depended on it. And it was true, I didn't know how I would go on with everything around me falling apart. Ever since the night of the party, I felt that I owed it to David to try and make amends with James. God knows I didn't want to but the more I sat down and thought about it, the more I realized that on some level, James was right. At some point I had made this situation all about me. It was easy for me to put a wedge between James and myself but that also meant a wedge between David and James and despite the fact that I wanted to curl up in a corner and forget that James even existed, I couldn't allow my hate for James to taint what he and David had spent years developing. Years. Just thinking that it had taken years for David to get used to having James around brought me back to ground zero. Back to the time when I was a single father raising a very spoiled four year old kid, trying to make up for the fact that I forced him into a single parent lifestyle, without a mother. Trying to convince myself that by giving him whatever he wanted would make him forget all that had transpired from his birth to the present and make him love me. Of course it didn't. Thinking back, I remember David as a little kid with not a care or responsibility in the world. A little kid who ran the house. 1993 (12 years ago) Going to the supermarket was a trip I dreaded taking. Usually I was able to get Michelle and Matt to watch David while I did the weekly shopping but on this particular weekend, they had gone away for their anniversary, in essence, leaving me to fend for myself. Things had been going fine up until I headed for the register, making the mistake of passing by the aisle where the ice cream was front and center. "Daddy, I wanna ice-cream cone." David had whined, reaching his arms out towards the freezer doors. "Not right now David. You already had an ice-cream cone this morning." "But I wanna ice-cream cone now! Daddy,I want ice-cream!" His pleas begun to attract the attention of an elderly lady at the end of the aisle. "David, stop it! I said no ice-cream. Maybe later but not now." And it was as if his internal clock came to life for at that instant his mouth formed an Ôo' and produced the type of deafening scream that could only come from a child who was on the verge of throwing a major hissy fit. Shoppers came around the corners, probably imagining that some sort of abuse was taking place to this poor helpless child. "David, you stop it right now or else I'll give you something to cry for." I said through gritted teeth. I was getting flustered and even though I had threatened to smack him if he didn't stop, I knew deep in my heart that I couldn't hit my son "Shh, David, shhh, please! Ok, ok, I'll get you the ice-cream but you need to stop, please." And once again it was as if his internal clock took center stage and his crying slowly diminished until it stopped altogether. He looked up at me with those big brown eyes and reached out to me. "Daddy, I wanna chocolate ice-cream" he stated and as I had done many times before, I reached into the freezer and pulled out a box of $ 4.99 haggendaz ice cream bars, opened it up, pulled out a bar and handed it to him. And all I found myself thinking about was Ôwhat the hell am I going to do with another pack of over priced ice-cream'. This had been a pattern of behavior for both David and myself up until James came into our lives. This was not to say that I was an irresponsible parent, far from it. But I definitely overcompensated for not creating the Ôperfect' family for my son. David occupied most of my time and energy from birth and continued to do so as he grew from a baby into a toddler. He got what he wanted when he wanted it and I tried my best not to feel guilty about overindulging his habits. All that changed though when I met James. He loved David with all his heart but refused to put up with his attitude. One particular incident which marked the turning point in David's selfish and self serving behavior which I have always remembered took place eight months after James had moved in with us. 1994 It was different having another person living with us. Not bad different, but just Ônot used to it' different. James had been living in my apartment for about eight months and things had been going well. I was more in love with James than I have ever been with anyone else in my life. Having him in my home 24/7 gave us an opportunity to spend some quality time together, something that had been difficult when we were just dating and living apart. Between his job as a social worker and mine as a college professor there seemed to not be enough time in the day to breathe and eat much less to make a relationship work. But we did make it work and now we were living together with the understanding that this was the beginning of a lifetime commitment. And with this commitment came the realization that David not only had to respect me, but also James. We had had several conversations pertaining to this subject but none as heated as this one: "He does respect you babe. He's just having a hard time adjusting to us." "Come on Neil. Get serious for a minute. David is spoiled and that's all there is to it. The kid doesn't even respect you so how the hell do you expect him to respect me." His tone was no nonsense and not what I wanted to hear. David was my son and I was doing the best that I could. James must have sensed this in me for his side of the conversation seemed to take a different turn. "Neil, I'm not criticizing your parenting skills cause I have no right to do that. You've been holding things down before I even came into the picture and you're a good dad. All I'm saying is if we're going to make a go of this family thing then we both have to be on the same page. I understand that he's only 4 but that doesn't mean that he can't learn discipline." I looked at him and shook my head. I didn't like the idea of James telling me how to raise my son but if I expected this union to work, I would have to let go. "So what do you suggest? You want me to hit my son? Smack him around till he complies? Is that what I should do James? Pleas tell me what you suggest." "As I said Neil, I'm not criticizing your parenting skills. I love David as if he were my own son. You know that. All I'm saying is that we have to start somewhere with David if we want him to become a responsible adult. Next time he tries to pull this tantrum crap we nip it in the butt." "Fine. But I won't allow you to hit my son James, that's where I draw the line." James pulled me into him and wrapped his arms around my waist and nuzzling his lips against my ear before whispering, "I would never touch David. I love him and I love you." And that's all I heard before James reached his hands around to the front of my jeans and unbuttoned it. Two weeks later things came to a head with James and David on a shopping trip to our local mall. We had been walking through a toys r' us trying to find a Christmas gift for James' 6 year old nephew and David had been acting up once again, on the verge of throwing a tantrum because I refused to buy him a GI JOE play set. "David, you are not getting that play set so don't even start with me today. I already have a headache as it is." James looked down at him and back up at me but said nothing. Ever since our confrontation a few weeks ago, I got the impression that he was just sitting back and waiting for an opportunity to act. "No! I wanna GI JOE now! Daddy gimme the GI JOE! I want it!" His pleas had slowly increased in volume and soon enough we were met with stares from other shoppers curious to know what was going on. "David! I said to cut it...." But before I could finish my sentence, James took David by the hand and pulled him towards the exit. I cautiously followed behind looking to see what he would do next. He led us out to the parking lot and towards a nearby isolated bench. He lifted a screaming David and sat him down unto the bench. "David, you listen to me RIGHT NOW. You are NOT getting that toy or any other toy, you hear me! You can cry, kick and scream all you want but this crap stops here! CUT IT OUT!" David continued to wail and begun to reach for me but I pulled away from him while Neil held unto his waist. This crying continued for the better part of 45 minutes until David looked up at me with red rimmed eyes and announced that he had to use the bathroom. We walked away from James and towards the nearest McDonalds. Once inside the cubicle, David begun to speak, "I don't like James daddy. He's mean." "Well he's a part of our family David, remember that we spoke about this. James and daddy are together and that means that James is going to be a part of our family. You're just going to have to deal with it." ""I don't want James to be my daddy. I hate him." I didn't even respond to his comments. Later on as we headed home with James in the driver's seat and David strapped into the back seat fast asleep, I addressed the day's incident with him. "He says he hates you. I don't want him to feel that way about you." James reached over the gear console and grasped my left hand with his right. "He won't always feel that way Neil, I promise. He's still getting used to me and it's going to be a while before he comes to see me as part of the family. Remember it's just been the two of you for four years." And he was right. I had four years where my life was David and his life was me. "God...I hope so. I just want things to get easier." And they did. Within the coming months, James took over the role of disciplinarian, teaching David how to control his impulses and correcting him when he didn't. It was sometimes painful to watch and many times I found myself wanting to walk over to David, pick him up in my arms and hold him but after a while, I could see the difference in my son. The way he spoke to me, treated other children and respected boundaries placed before him. And looking at him now, even with all that he had been through, he had for the most part remained neutral. Of course that all had changed since the night of Matt's get together. We had not spoken about it but I could see the disappointment every time David looked at me. He didn't have to say anything because the look said it for him. It said more than his words ever could. And I promised myself that I would make things right, no matter how hard it would be. And this was why I found myself punching in the familiar numbers. I could feel my legs shaking as I heard the ring on the other end. I prayed that no one would pick up and was on the verge of replacing the receiver into its cradle when his voice reached my ear. "Hello?" My first instinct was to hang up. Pretend that I was an anonymous caller calling in err but then again he must have checked the caller id on his cell and figured that it was me so I had no choice but to speak up. "It's me, Neil." It seemed silly to announce who I was but once again, I was at a lost for words. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- I apologize for the long delay. I definitely plan to finish this story as well as others that i have pending. Comments for this and other stories are encouraged and appreciated and I do reply to all emails. My new email address is juniorj009@gmail.com Thanks for reading. Other stories of mine include: BEGINNINGS December 3rd 2002 YO B Dec 27 2002 heart-and-soul/ INTERACIAL Nov 5 2004 story-of-us/ Jan 2 2003 to-sir-with-love/ Dec 27 2002 heart-and-soul/ MILITARY Dec 21 2002 the-recruiter/ RELATIONSHIPS Nov 5 2004 story-of-us/ Jun 6 2005 redemption/ BI RELATIONSHIPS Dec 20 2002 graduation-day/