Date: Thu, 19 May 2011 12:09:25 +0100
From: darnemoon@gmail.com
Subject: I'm Not Dying Chapter 4

I'm not dying!
By Darne Moon.

I'm not dying! is an adventure tale that contains graphic sexual content
between men. If you are not permitted to read such content please refrain
from reading any further. I currently don't have an editor, and do have
dyslexia so please be patient with grammatical mistakes etc. This is the
first time I've written anything of this magnitude in this genre. If you
enjoy this chapter of this story please let me know at darnemoon@gmail.com,
and I'm always interested in constructive criticism comments and ideas.

I've also recently started a Yahoo Group, with all sorts about I'm Not
Dead. You can find it at: http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/im_not_dead/
Hopefully see you there :D

So far, we've seen Alex survive a mysterious viral infection that claimed
the lives of twelve other people. The first night he was declared free of
the virus and fit and healthy he goes to meet his friends for some drinks
and bumps into an old fling Lee who is currently dating a friend of Alex's,
Rachel. The day after New York city is destroyed by a dirty bomb. Alex
begins to have a series of surrealist dreams. In the week that followed
Alex's mother (the Dragon) shocked by the New York incident declines into
depression and attempts to commit suicide. Rushing her to hospital Alex
meets a nurse, Ian and a relationship instantly blooms. Over the subsequent
days following the Dragon's admittance to hospital. Alex has a "dream" that
Washinton DC is destroyed by another series of bombs. Later that day
Washington is destroyed.


Chapter 4

The four weeks after Ian's introduction to my dad's family he begun to
spend all his time off work with me. He worked rotating rota's four days on
and four days off. We shared our time between my mum's house and down at my
dad's. I would spend my time with Wendy and the twins, he working in the
garage with my dad on the old bike. At first it was strange to me. Suddenly
in such a short time my whole life had changed.

The Dragon had now been moved to the "facility" after my brother consented,
and so I basically had the run of the house. My brother hadn't returned to
Wales since he told me he had gone back down to London. Whilst Ian was at
work I would be in the garden pottering on, keeping myself busy. I decided
to buy a goldfish and named it Bernie. God knows why but he kept me
company. Whilst the bike was being built my dad insisted I renewed my
provisional driving license and swat up on my CBT and plan to get my full
Motorbike License. He had told me the bike was going to be an early
birthday present. I hadn't experienced any peculiar dreams at all, and
despite the bizarre coincidence of my vision of Washington burning I
started to think they had all stopped.

I was sat in the garage with Ryan helping him on his chemistry
homework. Ian and dad were busy comparing the technical drawings of the
bike and sketch's Ian had put together with the parts before them. I amused
myself at the confused talk, there was a rogue piece neither of them could
figure out. As I began testing Ryan on his periodic table I got a thumping
headache. It was so sudden I yelped in pain. Everyone was instantly staring
at me. My vision began to blur. It was like I was seeing everything all at
once. I couldn't hold back tears of pain. I suddenly felt sick. Then all
the pain began to clear.

"Al, is everything all right?" Ian asked instantly by my side checking my
temperature and pulse, "your hearts racing!"

"I... I..." I stutter. I can only explain what happened next as I had an
idea, no I knew, "The news. Quickly, we need to see the news" I immediately
jumped to my feet and ran indoors. Dublin was next, I knew it, they were
going for Dublin! Wendy was sat watching the the Simpson's with Franco. I
snatched the controller and flipped over to BBC News 24.

Wendy looked at me shocked as I angrily muttered "trinity college" to
myself. Ian, Ryan and my dad appeared behind me moments later.

"We're just receiving reports that Trinity College in Dublin has been
bombed" I sighed relieved but at the same time terrified, Wendy gave a cry
of horror, "The explosions occurred only minutes ago, Lenister House, the
home of the national parliament of Ireland and Trinity College have been
destroyed. Our sources state, that it is to soon to say if this attack is
associated to the bombings in America last month"

"It is" I find myself saying without thought.

"How did you know?" Ian asks scared.

"I don't know... I mean I just did... it was like it just arrived in my
head" I hand the controller back to Wendy and walk into the kitchen. I take
the bottle of brandy my dad keeps hidden behind a box of crackers and pour
myself a generous measure and down it, and pour another before sitting down
on a stool and lighting up. Everyone piled into the kitchen and lined up
like a firing squad. "This isn't the first time" I state taking a sip of
the brandy trying to calm my wild nerves, "I saw Washington on fire"

Wendy gasps, my dad looks at me in a way I cant deduce. "When?" Ian asks
eventually. I describe what I saw when I had fallen over in the kitchen, I
also explain my strange animal dreams.

"That's just... weird" Ryan states. I laugh and take a deep drag on my
cigarette. Ian leans against the kitchen counter whilst Wendy walks up to
me and put a comforting arm around my shoulders. She rubs my arm and places
her head on mine.

"Have you seen anything else?" My dad asks eventually.

"No... not yet" I say reluctantly. I can't decide what I make of all of
this and I look at them all one after each other and I cant even start to
think about their opinion, "but there's more to come"

"Oh my god" Wendy states. She picks up my glass and takes a sip.

I decide I need some air and excuse myself and go and sit in the garden
staring at the pear tree. It wasn't fruiting much this year. It's its off
year. I take some deep breaths trying to calm myself down. Why was this
happening to me, why the hell was everything happening. If this was what
the news reporters were stating a delayed retaliation to the death of a man
fifteen years ago, why did they wait. To get the weaponry? To train their
army... what was it. I sit quietly. Mulling over all the events. Why me
what has happened to me that makes me capable of predicting these horrific
attacks. I get another brief headache and then another thought comes to me.

The virus. That bastard infection that tried to kill me. That's
how. Whatever that virus was it's changing me. It's a ludicrous thought,
but... just like Dublin... I know it. I return to the kitchen interrupting
whatever hushed conversation everyone was having.

"I know what it is" I say, "its the virus, it's changed me somehow. I don't
understand it all yet, but it's that"

"Virus?" Ian asks. In the weeks we've spent together I realise I hadn't
told the story of my illness, I begin to explain how I had contracted
something and how I was quite ill for over three months. I tell him about
the twelve other people who had similar symptoms but there was never a link
between us all.

"Don't worry I'm not contagious. The doctors could tell me that much" I say
to them all but looking at Ian who looks horrified. I start to get the idea
I've suddenly just fucked things up with him. He looked terribly
hurt. Noting the tension Wendy whisks him out of the room, calling the
twins to follow. I'm left with my dad in the kitchen.

"Why didn't you say something sooner?" He asks. For the first time I'm
angry. I can feel a rage building deep within me. I am very like my mother
in the fact that when my fury started to rise it's hard to contain.

"What do you want me to do! Tell everyone, oh yeah sorry I'm getting these
fucking weird dreams I'm seeing the destruction of the world moments before
it happens... my mum's just been locked up for being crazy, what the fuck
would they say about a precognitive!" My dad looks crestfallen. He stumbles
over some nondescript words before Wendy appears at the door.

"Did I ever tell you about my grandmother" she started advancing on me, not
in an aggressive way but non the less I felt like I was being cornered,
"She saw things. People would come from all around to see her, and she
would tell them what was coming. She wasn't always right, but most of the
time she was. She told me once, she occasionally saw the events, but most
of the time it was a profound sense of understanding. It seems to me, you
have the same thing, I wouldn't worry Alex. People will either believe you
or not, but I'll tell you right now, I believe you. I saw that look in your
eyes, grandmother was just the same!"

"How did she start... you know seeing" I ask.

"She never said. But I'll say this" She points in the general direction of
the living room. "There's a man in there who likes you a lot and at the
moment he's very confused" I look at her and try and read her face. She's
concerned, but sympathetic. I nod slowly a strong sense of foreboding falls
upon my shoulders. I leave the kitchen. The twins were nowhere to be seen
but a worried Ian was sat at the dinning table. I approached him
cautiously.

"So..." I say as I take a seat near him but not next to him.

"So"

"I didn't tell you... I didn't tell you because I was told I was free of
it. I'm not contagious. I was ill, but when I met you I was... well" I look
at him, I place a hand in front of him. I know what I want. I want a man I
need, and I need Ian. I need someone else to believe in me. I need him to
believe in me. My hand lingers on the table for a moment, but just before I
snatch it back Ian grabs it.

"I believe you" he says slowly, "I don't understand it, but I... I believe
you. If you see it then you see it..." I evaluate him and his dark honest
eyes are so full of earnest I can't deny it.

"So you don't think I'm... strange"

"Strange maybe, a freak possibly... but amazing. Definitely" His words take
my breath away. I hold his hand like the most precious thing in the
world. I know at that moment albeit such a short time frame I've found the
man I want. It takes me some time to realise that both Wendy and my dad are
watching from behind the door, and despite the sudden overwhelming
sensation of... could it be love, or is it still lust, I have for Ian I am
more embarrassed than I thought possible.

"Boys! Come down here!" Wendy cries drawing a line against the difficult
emotions. Like feral animals they appear on the the periphery, "time you
got cooking boys" Wendy told them and without question they disappeared
into the kitchen.

"So what do we do?" My dad asks taking a seat at the dinning table.

"We don't say anything. Alex sees things he doesn't make them happen" Ian
states

"I agree" Wendy responds. She begins pacing around in circles.

"But if he sees..." My dad begins but Wendy glares at him.

"What Dan, if he sees we should tell people, how long do you think it will
before the TRU come to take him and we'll never see him again!" She says
quite matter-of-factly. "The thing is... we're the only people who know he
knows" She looks at me quizzically. I nod.

"Then we keep it secret" My dad states. His voice more serious than I've
ever heard him before. Ian quickly agrees and Wendy goes off to talk to the
twins and inspecting their culinary prowess. I look at my boyfriend and
father. Thought they look so starkly different they have the same
expression, worry and care, but not fear. They're not afraid of me. Christ
how do they manage it I'm starting to scare the shit out of myself. Wendy
reappears, she's smiling.

"I've just remembered something" She says slowly as she advances on a side
dresser pulling the draws out. She's looking for something with feverish
passion, "Alex... my grandmother said to me on her deathbed... if I ever
developed the... sight I should seek this lady out" She pulled free from
the full draw a tiny battered card. It was a business card. She handed it
to me and I eyed it suspiciously.

"Mrs Winklethought, Flat 5 Paradox Palace. York.  The future is my vision.

"She's in york!" I state dissapointed.

"Well I am of Yorkshire!" Wendy states with a proud Yorkshire accent, "I
promise, if you go to see her she will help you" I look dubiously at the
card.

"It's a long way to go..." I begin but Ian cuts in front of me.

"But you need it. Anything anyone can tell you about this might help
you... understand it... If we go tomorrow we can be back before my next
shift" I look at him and his face is a picture of determination.

Sensing my dubiousness Wendy chirps, "Why don't you two talk about this"
And she whisks my dad out of the room. I find myself uneasy. I'm not sure I
want Ian any more involved in all this craziness, but then I want to keep
him in my life. If I deny this, will I be denying our relationship?

"We could go tonight" He says after checking his watch. I sigh and walk
towards the double doors of the conservatory attached to the dinning
room. I rest my forehead against the cold white aluminium of the frame.

"Why me... why us. This whole situation is ridiculous" I turn to him, I
rarely cry, in fact I cant remember the last time I did cry, but I can feel
the tears welling up, "I'm sorry Ian"

For a moment he looks blank then confused. "What are you sorry about. This
isn't your fault. We'll leave for York tonight. I'm sure we can get a
train"

"I just need... need to get some air" I state and I enter the garden via
the conservatory door. Ian has whipped out his phone and begins to check
train times as I wander about the garden. At the far end is an arbour my
dad had built and I take a seat. I'm taking deep breaths. This is so crazy,
I say to myself suddenly weary of everything. From my vantage point I start
to study the garden. To my left are two large sheds standing side by side,
a small pathway runs behind them and along the the hedge. I see in the
corner of my eye an old wheel jutting out from the mess and wild growth
that always seems to reside at the sides of sheds. Curious I go to
inspect. The small path is wide enough for one person to walk down
comfortably without being accosted by the tall hedge. I study the wheel and
begin tugging on it. After a few moments of battle I pull it free. Wow it's
my old push bike. I thought that had gone years and years ago. I once got
carried away on this thing hurtling down a hill at stupid speed and didn't
see a small but deep rut in the ground just the right size for the wheel to
lodge itself. I was sent hurtling through the air and landed head first in
a gorse bush. Not wanting to relive the experience I rarely used it after
that. I assumed it got sold on or given away during the divorce.

I'm so absorbed by my memories I don't notice Ian quietly advancing on
me. A mischievous grin plastered across his face. Totally oblivious to him,
he grabs me around the waist and growls in my ear. I scream thankfully in a
manly manner so I managed to main some dignity. I turn in his arms and look
into his beautiful eyes.

"What's that" He whispers

"My old push bike"

"Cool... There's a train in an hour. I've bought the tickets we've just got
to collect them from the train station. We're only going to be away for a
day or two so I figured we could just go" His hold on me is quite firm, his
groin pressing against mine. I can feel his heat through his jeans. I my
crotch against his. He grins and groans a little, "I like that" He murmurs
and I know he does, I can tell by the building pressure of his hard on
against mine, "Stop or I might have to do something about it" He grins
naughtily. I don't stop. We're completely secluded here. Hidden between
shed and hedge. I figure why stop. My hands find their way into the back
pockets of his jeans, and I grope him firmly. "Now your sure your not
contagious" He asks, I nod slowly gagging for him to kiss me. He leans in
and we kiss. His tongue exploring mine. I cant get enough of him. One of
his hands begin to wander to the front of my trousers and begin to rub
me. I know I'm instantly oozing precum. His other hand is gripping my head
holding me against him. My hands continue their caressing assault on his
hot bubble butt.

Things progress quite quickly. With a deft flick and practised manoeuvre
Ian undoes my belt and trousers. He takes his time to undo my fly. His hand
brushing painfully slowly along the length of my member. I shudder with
anticipation. He quickly kneels before me and thrusts his face into my
crotch. He begins to gently suck on my nuts through my tight black
underwear. My hands now unoccupied find themselves holding the back of his
head. My fingers lost in the curls of his beautiful black hair. With a
quick but careful yank Ian tugs my underwear down just enough to expose my
bum and raging hard on. He licks me from base to tip savouring the taste of
my precum whilst his hands begin to play with my anus. His probing fingers
teasing me, each gentle insertion forcing more precum to ooze from my
member. He spends his time teasing me. My lust rising in me until I finally
have to beg him to fuck me. He knows I love this.

Leaping up he quickly undoes his jeans exposing his proud long cock to the
air. Its a fantastic sight and one I was desperately craving for. As his
jeans slide down his strong legs he removes a small pouch of lube. I raise
an eyebrow, interesting thing to remember. Ian carries lube. Before I can
comment I'm thrust bodily against the shed. His strong hands clutching the
top of my hips he pulls my ass out so he has better access. I hear a tear
of the lube packets and a few quite moments pass as he smothers his dick in
it. I am nearly shaking with anticipation and excitement. Then I feel him
pressing at my entrance. I love the sensation just before penetration
eagerly I thrust back a little and I feel him push against me. It hurt like
hell at first just like every time. He slowly pushed deeper then retracted
slightly before thrusting all the way in.

I was suddenly dripping precum. I could see the strands of cum fall from my
dick and pool on the concrete slab below me. He pace was steady and
strong. His head, resting on my right shoulder occasionally kissing my
neck. "Harder Ian... fuck me" I pant and is pace increases. One of his
hands reaches around me and he starts to pump my cock just as vigorously as
he fucked my ass. I groan with pleasure. My face now pressed against the
wood of the shed as he ploughs me harder and harder. His panting is now
fast but he begins to nibble on my ear lobe and his other hand begins to
explore my body finding my nipples and tweaking them.

"Boys?" I hear Wendy call out from the conservatory doors, "Where are you?"

"Oh fuck" I whisper, "WE'RE JUST BY THE SHEDS!" I shout a little louder
than I need to. "JUST SHOWING IAN MY OLD BIKE AND STUFF" Ian hasn't even
slowed his assault on my body. His dick plunging deep into me, one hand
twisting my nipples, the other pumping my cock furiously.

"Oh ok... well you'd better be setting off soon. Don't want to miss the
train!" She calls back a little bemused then returns I assume into the
house. I almost half expect her to appear at the paths entrance and see me
pressed bodily against the shed and Ian getting feral on my ass. Thankfully
she doesn't.

"We'd better hurry before they guess what we're doing" I mutter between his
forceful thrusts. He grunts his response and against all the odds his pace
increases. His thrusts faster and harder banging me against the shed almost
violently. I can't help it I'm so turned on I can feel my orgasm
climbing. It starts like a tingling sensation deep in my groin and it
rapidly explodes through my body. Shot after shot of hot silky cum splashes
against the wooden wall of the shed. Ian begins grunting as my orgasm
forces my butt to clench around his hard cock. Moaning like an animal I can
feel his cock head pulsing. Moments later I feel his seed pumping deep into
me and that amazing sensation as he fucks his cum into me. He pants for a
moment holding me close to him. His dick slowly softening inside me. I love
these intimate moments after, both of us recovering from our orgasms in
sated silence. I've never felt more happy.

Moments we were dressed and my dad's running us to the train station and we
arrive just in time. We collect our tickets and hop on the train to
Manchester. The hour drifts by quietly. I'm quite surprised at this I used
to make late evening trips on my bimonthly pilgrimage to the Manchester's
gay scene when I was a teenager. I relax sat next to Ian holding his
hand. I can still feel his warm seed inside. I feel quite complete.

We were due to arrive in York at 22.31 and Ian begins to ponder where we're
going to stay. I smile and tell him not to worry. I produce my phone and
quickly type an email to Cale, my old work friend who had moved to York a
handful of months before. We had worked together for three years and had at
one point had a slight sexual encounter which promptly ended my long
relationship with my boyfriend at the time. He was now working a 9-5 job
and was quite happy. He had a small flat close to the city centre and was
now dating. He to had been a victim of the tyrannical management regime
that drove me round the bend. Cale and I kept in touch and I finally decide
to take advantage of his persistent invitations to York. I don't go into
detail as to the reason of our visit however he's more than happy to put us
up for the night.

The change at Manchester was swift but frustrating. We arrived on platform
14 as usual and had mere minutes before our next train. Like bats out of
hell we dart all the way across the enormous Piccadilly train station. Only
to discover our next train is coming in all the way back on platform
14. With profanity and a lot of running we got there just in time. I making
the declaration that if I ever meet the man in charge of platform
allocations I'm going to kick him in the nuts. We find seats on the nearly
deserted train and settle down for the remaining two hour of the leg.

A number of years ago trains and train stations had become virtually
automated. There were ticket barriers everywhere, you couldn't move without
a ticket. If you even dared to hop a train fare, the enormous security
guards would descend on you like a ton of bricks. Since the 2012 Olympics
in London the government had forced train companies to invest heavily on
improving their service. The shambles that was the transport
infer-structure during the Olympics in London had spurned the government to
put major pressure on getting Britain's public transport efficient. As a
result the companies piled small fortunes into the development of new
super-trains based on the double decker trains the Dutch had, and to save
costs they automated the entire system across England, Wales and
Scotland. As a result the only humans you saw on the north and south trunk,
were the other passengers and the occasional security officer. Now however
there were a lot of security everywhere.

Ian dozed alongside me, his hand gently resting on mine, whilst I pondered
on this Mrs Wrinklethought. She was going to be undoubtedly old, probably
some hippy type. Surrounded with wooden craved trinkets, crystals and so
much incense burning it would choke a heavy smoker. I imagined her laden
with jewellery from across the world and she would talk with a low soft
tone. After my pontification is over I stare out the window and watch the
world slip by in a blur of green and yellows. The weather has slowly been
turning, the late summer haze had begun to turn. Darker clouds had begun to
cluster above threatening much needed rain. Chiller winds were blowing and
some of the tree's leaves had begun to turn ready for the autumn fall. It
was always my favourite time of the year. I like the summer for my
gardening but I am an autumn man at heart. I love the long cool evenings
the bristling stars and crisp moon at night and the softness of natures
colour. I often mused that autumn was natures menopause.

Before to long we arrived in York. A stunning old town, proud of its
heritage. Each of its numerous historical buildings preserved through
dedication and persistent care. It is a middle aged, middle class city. We
hop off and stretch a little. We were one of few remaining people left on
the train destined for Edinburgh. We navigate our way through the labyrinth
of a train station and I spot Cale leaning against a wall. He's quite tall
and broad with strong shoulders and a shaved head. He's always had the most
smouldering eyes and the longest eyelashes I've ever seen. He smiles as I
approach and pushes himself off the wall.

"Hail" he states loudly, a customary introduction between us.

"Hay dude" I announce, "This is Ian"

"Hello Ian" he says turning to walk alongside me, "So why the sudden
visit?"

"I've got to meet someone tomorrow" Cale grunts. Hes not a man of many
words.

"Well, I'm not working this weekend so what ever you want to do is
cool. However..." He looks at me appologetically.

"Carol's got wind of your presence up north"

"Oh christ" I state. I look at Ian and force a smile, "we may have to go to
Newcastle" I inform him. Ian looks at me and shrugs.

"I've got two more days off. As long as we get back by monday we're cool"

"How did she find out" I ask Cale

"Erm... facebook. Sorry"

"Bastard Facebook!" I declare, but I'm pleased I get a chance to see
Carol. We walk through the historic city, "Why don't you come with us?" I
ask Cale. He looks across the river a moment as we cross a bridge.

"Yeah why not" he says. "I need a break. Mundainatey is getting to me" He
grins flashing his sparkling white teeth.

"So hows Jared?" I ask. Cale's new love interest. In all his emails he
seems to play the relationship down a little, but I have a feeling it could
be something more, but Cale is not the type of person to press.

"We're good, fancy a drink?" He asks nonchalantly. We both agree, it had
been a rushed evening and to a certain degree I know I need a drink just to
process the fact I am here, now, in York. We wander through the meandering
streets and enter a modern new bar. I instantly clock the crap "modern" art
on the walls, and psuedo modern furniture. I instantly start evalutating
the bar in the same manner I was demanded to when I was working. Greasy
tables. A myriad of customers which should be more controled, and yet we
find ourselves at the bar. I order mine and Ian's drink and they were
served by a quite charming young man with strawberry golden hair.

The drinks were served promptly and accurately but then again how hard is
it to pour a pint of cider and a vodka and coke. I'm on the vodka. I
virtually drain my drink and order another. I look shyly at Ian who nearly
laughs at my blatant alcoholism. I order another and it promptly
arrives. This time I decide to drink it slowly. I turn to Cale and he
smiled.

"So what do you think?" He asked. I look at him quizically. "Jared" Cale
inclines his head towards the starwberry blond headed man who served me. I
smile and laugh. Ian looks at me quizically. I point out who Jared is. Ian
smiles and nods his approval. He was nice.

We sit down and take our drinks casually despite how uneasy I found the
environment but then I am always analysing everywhere I go new. Cale is
causal and comfortable and very topical something I've never really
witnessed. York is good for him, I notice him smiling more than once. I
like seeing Cale smile. We reamained there for till we all finished our
drinks and me and Ian waited outside for Cale to emerge after saying
goodbye to Jared.

He emerges in his iceberg manner. His charming bright eyed face. He seems
slightly embarrassed but I rise above the opportunity to take the piss out
of him. Cale was sadly my punching bag. He took a lot in good humour but
occasionally I would overstep the mark and everytime I did that I still
feel guilty to this day, but he wasnt one to negate a sharp comment here
and there. He has a wit like a razor more than often its cutting and aslong
as you anticipate it your find. Other than the rare occasions he's very
silent. I cant decide whether thats how we always got on. I have an inane
ability to talk and talk crap a lot of the time, I like meeting people and
he's always reserved. That's how we opperated in Newcastle I would talk and
he would go home with someone, however in the latter years my talk turned
bitter digrestion and I was more dissaproving and vile to those around us
than engaging. Dissalussionment has a lot to answer for.

I have to admit the pair of us had come a lot of way from the bitter and
twisted shells we were. We lived together for just over a year and in that
time our work had degraded us to seething balls of hate encapsulated in a
fake happy veneer. I had escaped from it all a year before and he a couple
of months ago and almost imediately we felt like the end of the world had
been lifted from our shoulders and a whole life had been revealed. It was a
remarkable thing to see two strong minded people very different in their
attitudes reduced to nothing, and then their escape from leased them a new
life. My question is what is it going to cost us. I'm starting to think I'm
paying my dues.

"Let's move on" Cale states, as he thumps his glass upon the fake leather
table top. We follow him to a small bar which is the only openly gay bar in
York. I can tell by the attempt of a rainbow flag. Another thing I
dissaprove of. Inside my initial opinion is gratified. It initially has the
distinct feel of a youth group centre. There are numerous flyers scattered
across the floor and a minority of lucky looking bastards who are sixteen
coming on twenty. However the futher we delve into the decadence of this
particular homosexual establishment I find it's much like some of the dank
dark and by the looks of a rather suspicous pool, murky bars that I
frequented in my youth. I do sometimes think I can be a bit of a snob. I
find myself however strangely at one with myself in a place like this.

I do have to admit in the dark recesses of my mind there is an element
of... something wanten. I like the dark and sorded, in fact in the right
place with the right people I fucking love it. But I also like smart, and
clever people and right now I can tell I am lost in sea of
the... mixed. Inteligent people... smart people... clever people... am I
too expectant, or am I to demanding of gay people. I find myself in a gay
bar usually wanting. It's always a circus of extremes, your either to camp,
or not enough of a bitch, and on the odd occasions, you've somehow defied
the laws of nature and shagged someone and everyone knows and your
instantly the enemy of everyone who had slept with him previously... which
is everyone. That type of mentally makes me sick. To gratify myself I grasp
Ians hand. Then suddenly like some invisible snake pouncing. I realise I
dont know everything about his previous sexual life.

It's like poison these places. They infect you and make you so insecure
about yourself and your relationships. I shake all thoughts of angry doubt
out of my mind. So what. I keep saying to myself, he's with me now. But
what will people say when we split up. I find myself thinking. Hang on,
we've not even had a proper argument. I have to actually shake these
omnipetent bitch thoughts out of my head. I find myself suddenly wanting to
be as close as I can to Ian as I can. I also make a note to myself, I don't
do well in a gay environment. I then also make a note whether having a "gay
ghetto" is the best answer socially. Surely life would work better have
everyone accepting and getting on. A utopia perhaps... but then... if we
didnt all have this mentality... AH its a dangerous world my mind starts
treading on and I quickly reign it in.

Cale, in his muscular broad manner looks at me. He knows me to well. I
think to myself. He's known me to well! But for some reason a bar man
appears brandishing drinks and hands them out to us. I look at Cale and he
looks as blank as me.

"Compliments of the management. Mr Riley, Mr Forester say's good evening"

They're just friends I say to myself and the serving boy leaves. It's
completely out of character of the bar. There my be other "Services" going
on but table service is not one of them. I look at Ian and he looks
awkward.

"We were in college together, his dad was wealthy and Brian always wanted
me, but I refused. He was a rich bitch boy" He looks at me and then Cale. I
try and smile but I fear look like I have hemeroids. "Nothing happened!"

There was no tension as such, except I was completely uneasy, I look to
Cale for support but that was a near waste of time. I was alone to
contemplate everything, however at that exact moment Fire with Fire by the
Scissor Sisters came on over the sound system. It was classic. I had been
brought up on them, especially their early albums and any self respecting
human being appreciated them. Or at least so I thought. Something took me
the moment I heard the piano and Jake Shears voice. He had been such an
attractive man. As the chorus kicked in I abandoned my drink and tried to
pull Ian into the minute dance floor. I am not on to dance or sing I know
my talents and neither of them feature strongly, but there is something
about that song I cant fight. I go mental to the tune, and for some reason
Ian joins me. We're the only ones on the dance floor and we are as a pair
shit. I nearly fall over at least twice, but the fact was it was Ian and I,
and somehow I knew we would do as the lyrics said. As the song died away we
slunk back into our dark corner, so Ian could be embarrassed and I could
spout my dispondency towards the more "typically" camp men, who spent their
time dancing to the modern pop music flicking their scarfs one way and
another. Each pretending like the last, second to last and third hundred
pie hadn't made them fat.

It may come as a bit of a surpise we didnt stay long. After some debate I
decide I need to get to bed. I'm starting to think the copious alcohol and
the events of the day are starting to break down my ability to be socially
acceptable. Cale agrees.

We walk across town. I find the cool air is fueling my rant on the social
dependancy we have on, ghettoism, and that we, the gays, self elect
ourselves as a minority and how we're happy to segregate ourselves as a
group and play up to the media expectations. Both Cale and Ian fail to
argue and I soon run out of long words. Cocktails can be strong. By the
time we get to Cale's flat I'm leaning against Ian, bleary eyed and
happy. Cale punches in a combination lock code and he leads the way up to
his flat.

"You know..." I say to Ian as we ascend the stairs. "You know. It's great!"
I am being some what marginally cryptic. "It's amazing" Cale is quietly
concealing a laugh he reserves just for me and my drunken state
profoundness. "It really is. I can see the future, and I'm not dead!" I
slur in Ian's ear then I pass out. After that night I agree not to mix
alcohol.