Date: Thu, 23 Jul 2015 03:13:24 +0000 (UTC)
From: Gaia Farnese <snoringsoftly@yahoo.com>
Subject: Koi no Yokan 4

A/N: The song included in this part is Akuro no Oka (meaning: The Hill of
Acropolis) by Dir en Grey. You can check the translated lyrics online.

Standard disclaimer and copyright notices apply.

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~

kimi wa ima ano oka de futari de mita kono sora wo mitsumeteru
boku wa ima kono sora de futari de ita ano oka wo mitsumete

~

The noise from the vehicles filled Eiri's ears with unpleasant buzz. The
number of vehicles in Estéril sometimes left him wondering if there were
more of them than there were people.

Logically, he knew they were inside, seated safely behind the wheels. But,
occasionally, he got the impression that cars moved on their own, being a
robotic extension of the contemporary buildings lining the road.

He'd passed the city library, the playground and the University campus, and
was steadily making his way toward the distant Pedway L when he heard a
misplaced noise. For a second he thought he might have heard a bike, but he
stubbornly refused to think along those lines and continued as if nothing
had rattled him.

Had Eiri turned left when he'd exited the school grounds, he would have
reached his home in less than 20 minutes. There was another Pedway (C)
which connected D.II and D.IV centrally and he took it most days because,
really, who wanted to walk an hour to their house after school?

Besides, he could always take the subway, but he didn't have his student
card on him right now. Plugging earbuds in his ears, he made his peace with
walking home the round way. At least it wasn't humid outside.

Pedway L led the way through the woods behind Main Residential, the second
and largest green ground on the southern hemisphere of Estéril. But,
unlike the Back-Door Area, these woods were devoid of people, hence deemed
safer by the denizens. It took Eiri a total of 20 minutes to walk the
Pedway. He descended the stairs on Border Lane 44 and started navigating
the rest of the lanes with ease.

Still, it was quite the journey, because Main Residential featured 24
blocks of enormous proportions, cut through by no less than 43 lanes, if
one didn't count Border Line 44. But he did it and he felt very relieved
when he reached the midway of his lane.

One of Eiri's favourite things to do when he walked back from school was to
observe the life on the streets making a web of Main Residential. Despite
the general death-like appearance of the city, one could occasionally see
life on the streets. There would be children playing outside, although
still close to their buildings, or people going home from work. It wasn't
much, but it was enough to brighten the atmosphere.

This gaiety, naturally, was restricted to the northern blocks, because
there wasn't anyone in the Derelict and nearby areas who did as little as
allow themselves a smile. It was like watching two different cultures
coexist in a precarious balance.

Taking out the earbuds, Eiri could no longer pretend that the bike sound
wasn't really there. He had half a mind to turn around and yell at the Wolf
to leave him alone, but he didn't dare. When he was 30 feet from the
entrance to his building, the bike stopped and that's when he began feeling
panicky.

"Eiri," the voice commanded without raising a notch.

He would recognize it anywhere. He'd been dreaming about that voice for
years now; it was part of him as much as the memories of that night. But
even so, he continued walking, his gait growing unsteady with every step he
took. It was a simple choice – he could turn around, and face the
ancient guardian, or break in a run.

He knew there was a chance of the Wolf starting after him, but the idea of
running away wasn't really bad. Of course, that still left no excuses for
the way he kept trying to escape the inevitable.  So it seemed like a
greater idea to turn around and get it over and done with, once and for
all. The Wolf had followed him around for an hour, Eiri might as well see
what he had to say to him.

Stopping, he turned sharply and, giving himself the briefest of moments to
prepare, gazed ahead to find Neko staring at him, head cocked and body
relaxed against his bike.



~

 ano bashou de kimi to deai subete wa hajimaru

ima dewa nani mo dekinai

kono machi de kimi to deai ima dewa daremo ai senai

kimi to futari de

mata ano oka e

~



Eiri opened his mouth to say `What do you want?' but didn't follow
through. There was no reason to act so hostile right away, he thought. He
closed his mouth and waited for Neko to speak, assuring himself that
whatever the Wolf said wouldn't change his mind.

"You remember me."

It wasn't a question. Maybe he could sense Eiri's anger.

"Yes. I remember you."

Both Wolf and bike came closer. "So why did you run from me?"

"I didn't run from you."

"No?" the expression on Neko's face seemed very gullible, so much that Eiri
couldn't lie to him.

"... I don't want to talk to you," he fidgeted.

"Why not?"

"I just... why do you care?"

"I find you interesting. I want to talk to you."

There was a time when Eiri would have welcomed the attention from Neko, but
that time was over, it was left behind in the past. Eiri was so afraid, so
very afraid, but not of the obvious.

"You could have talked to me plenty of times during these years. Where were
you?"

For the first time the wolf's face sharpened. His eyes traveled from Eiri's
accusing expression to the building on his right. It took him a few moments
to look back at Eiri and answer.

"Here."

"Yeah," the accusation deepened. "You never came around, not even to say
hi. Just say hi."

"I know."

It seemed like Neko didn't know what else to say, something that
disappointed Eiri even further. What had the world come to if adults like
Neko didn't know how to answer a young's question?

"And now you want to talk..."

"Yes," Neko seemed very serious. "I was busy before," he added when he saw
nothing else forthcoming.

"I see. Well, I'm kinda busy myself now," Eiri told him, turning his back
to the great Wolf.

He'd walked more than ten steps without hearing anything else, so Eiri
figured he would quietly continue on his way and release all his bottled up
anger once he arrived home. Neko didn't deserve anything less, he assured
himself.

"OK, then. But do say hi sometimes."

The bike started after these words and Neko whirled past Eiri in less than
a few seconds. The boy was left to stare after him and ponder the sharp
feeling in his chest.



~

ano bashou de deatta ne ima dewa mou

nani mo dekinai keredo

kono machi de deatta ne ima dewa mou

dare mo ai senai keredo

~



Upon returning to his flat, Eiri didn't do any of the things he envisioned
on his way up. The china vase remained whole and the TV screen didn't
feature long sharp lines made with the kitchen knife. The cushions were in
their place and all the glass decorations were safely tucked away in the
corners. It seemed as if everything had come to an unnatural still.

However, on the inside of Eiri's small frame it was anything but. A stream
of thoughts played in his mind, causing a whirlwind of emotions. He thought
about how it stung that he hadn't said better things, smarter things. No
matter how he replayed it in his head, Neko's final words and cruel
departure left him, Eiri, the loser.

Dropping his things next to his desk, Eiri sat down on the bed in his
room. For many years he'd made up elaborate fantasies about the second
meeting between him and Neko, but the way it played out in reality was
horribly off the mark. He'd never wanted to fight with Neko.

The worst was that he'd always imagined a different character. His Neko was
kind and magical. His eyes were strict but affectionate, and whenever he
talked to Eiri, he told him the sweetest things. Even when he cautioned
him, Neko managed to sound like he truly cared about Eiri.

The real thing wasn't like that at all.

Disillusioned, Eiri lay down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. How
had he dared hope for something better than what reality had to offer him?

He felt so very stupid for putting his trust in a figure that he'd only
seen once, in his early childhood. Neko told him back then that he wasn't a
nice person, but Eiri chose to believe in the dream-like version he'd
constructed in his head. Well, now he knew.

He didn't have too much time to brood over this though.

 Once his parents were home from work they engaged him in what they called
`family activities'. Eiri was to help mom sort the shopping and make a
meal, then clean up the table after lunch, wash the dishes and join dad
watching news. In the late afternoon they all had tea, then Eiri was
supposed to study and his parents minded their business. Sometimes, when he
was feeling lazy, he'd sneak up on mom reading a book and read with her
until she noticed him evading schoolwork. Other times, he joined dad
watching films. He had a huge collection of old films and Eiri liked the
fantasy ones the best.

Most evenings Eiri didn't require help to do his homework. He finished it
quickly and used up the remaining time to play games or browse the Internet
for interesting articles.

His family's structured life involved having a bed hour too, so Eiri found
himself in bed every night at 21:30. Of course, he wasn't stupid, so he
always snuck in a book or a magazine with him in bed and read late into the
night. He appeared to need very little sleep to function.

When he had real trouble falling asleep he'd go to the entertainment room
and ask dad for help – his advice rarely varied: a glass of warm milk, a
chocolate snack or playing some chess. At first he'd jokingly suggest Eiri
read his schoolbooks until he fell asleep on top of them, but he soon
learned that when Eiri said he couldn't sleep he really meant it. In that
case, they played chess until the clock chimed midnight.

It was a comfortable life, ruled by time-tables and securely established
routine. But sometimes, Eiri became sick of it and acted snappy with his
parents. Such was the case on that very day and it made his parents
exchange several consecutive looks in a short time.

He broke one of the glasses in the sink and got yelled at for that. The day
slowly turned into a nightmare and he observed it detachedly for as long as
his mother yelled in his face. Apparently, it'd been a wedding gift and a
rare sort of glass. He tried to explain that he hadn't meant to break it,
but thought it would be futile so he remained where he was, silent and
scowling.

After he was banished to his room, he opened his books to study and found
all the words blurring into senseless, jagged, black lines. His brain
seemed to have shut off, leaving him to work with the scraps of his person.



~

kako wa nido to modoranai keredo

umare kawari kimi wo sagasu kara

sono toki made boku wo matteite

keredo ima wa ano oka ni wa mou

~



He didn't manage to learn anything and he was bored out of his
mind. Thankfully, his father soon came to the rescue. He'd obviously
noticed that something was off and like every good, concerned parent he
came to talk to Eiri. He thought that puberty was hard enough as it was and
if he could help Eiri or lessen his pain, he would do a great thing many
parents didn't accomplish.

"What's going on?" he asked his troubled son.

"Nothing."

"I know something's up. Maybe I can help you..."

"You can't."

Eiri's sullenness and refusal to cooperate never failed to make an
appearance. But he wouldn't be a successful parent if he didn't manage to
establish communication with his child. So he fought.

"All right. Then please tell me what it is that troubles you because if I
can't help you, then I'm fairly sure I've never encountered a problem of
such proportions, and you know very well that I absolutely have to expand
my knowledge of life," he told his son as he sat down on the ground. Long
sentences always brought Eiri to life because he wanted to understand them.

His guess was right. Eiri looked up and scanned his dad's face, then
dropped his eyes again and returned to the old puzzle he was fiddling
with. His hands seemed to shake a bit when he moved the pieces, but Frank
decided to ignore it for the time being. The key was to find out what was
going pear shaped in his son's life and he would be damned if he didn't
manage to help his boy.

"Have you ever been disappointed?" Eiri asked after a while, his voice
barely above a whisper.

"A number of times, actually."

"Yes, but really, really disappointed...?" His eyes shone with tears in the
making.

"I think so, yes."

"Tell me about it."

Stabbing in the dark, Frank decided to give his son a lesson disguised as a
story, hoping that it would fit just right with whatever sort of
disappointment Eiri was experiencing.

"When I was your age I had this wonderful lecturer at school. She was
somebody I idolized heavily, somebody who inspired me and taught me things
about life that I couldn't learn in other classes or through my peers. She
taught English, so whenever we had a book to read we would have a few
classes for discussion. She always shared her wisdom and open-mindedness
with us during those discussions. It was only when I was older that I
realised it was an error, because those who lead the discussion aren't
really supposed to express their opinions. Nevertheless, she taught me
plenty and I loved her for it. As I grew older, I started noticing things
about her. My hormones ensured that I would notice her physically around my
puberty, but what troubled me was the fact that I found her mind more
appealing than anything else."

There was a short interruption at the door when Eiri's mom came to check on
them, but she was gone immediately and they resumed their conversation.

"Soon, I started creating this elaborate image of what I experienced with
my lecturer on daily basis. Whatever she did or said made her look like a
goddess worthy of eternal admiration. I went as far as to clip her picture
from a picture book that I found in the school library! It was a crazy
thing! So imagine my disappointment when, one day, she came to teach us and
started yelling at us and calling us names! I'd never seen her like that
before. I was shocked to see such a moderate, well-mannered lady scream
like a banshee, and curse worse than a sailor! Suddenly, we were animals,
morons, and all sorts of other things that weren't flattering in the
least. She yelled so loud and for so long that a few other lecturers banged
on the walls for her to calm down. It was then that she got all of us to
stand up and started questioning us on advanced material. Naturally, no one
had any idea what it was that she was asking, much less how to answer
it. So we got a lot of bad marks and I got a horrible experience to commit
to memory when she called on me. It was cruel, not only because my
favourite lecturer, my idol, insulted me, but she humiliated me too. And in
front of the whole class, when she laughed at something I'd said in a
desperate attempt to win back her good grace... That was the moment my
whole fantasy shattered. When the day was over, the only thing I could
think of was that I wanted to forget everything about it! I wanted the day
gone, like it never happened. But it stayed with me..."

Eiri's eyes had got wide and focused, and that was a clue enough that he
should continue.

"Later on we learned that she'd had an awful day herself, which was why she
acted the way she did. But, for a lecturer, mixing up private life with
professional conduct in the classroom is simply inexcusable. When I went to
school, I didn't bring in the problems I had at home! Instead, I focused on
learning new things and learning how to deal with people better. School can
be a very good place to learn about that too. So, it was extremely
disappointing to learn that she wasn't the flawless goddess I'd dreamed up
in the wee hours. She was a human too, and she had flaws like everybody
else. The mistake in the classroom was a proof of that. But, you know,
Eiri, there was something else far more disappointing than what she did. I
learned that I'd disappointed myself more than she ever could have!
Because, basically, we only have ourselves to live with, and if we can't
deal with that, then we should hold no hope for the future... I'd
disappointed myself by believing that some humans are better than others,
just because they impressed me at a given moment. I can't say it didn't
happen again. It happened two more times, but I was prepared by then. I
knew what to expect -- when the feelings of betrayal and hurt came to me,
especially at night. I'd lay down, completely awake, and flay myself for
having said, done or believed in the wrong things. It's a horrible
experience, but it's part of what makes life, life. I want you to
understand and memorise this, because it's going to help you a lot."

Eiri nodded and Frank truly felt like he needed a drink.

"Now, I don't know if your trouble is anything like mine was, but I think
that you can find just what you need in my words. If I'm wrong, then I
apologize to you in advance. I've kept you long enough as it is, so I'll
just go have a drink now. You know, I have this awfully boring report to
write for tomorrow and I'm really feeling like doing anything but! Oh
well. Adult life, adult responsibilities," he babbled as he made his way to
the door.

"Good night, Eiri."

"Good night, dad."

He closed the door softly, mindful of his son's fragility.



~

kareru hana ano koro no you ni
mou ichido dake de ii kirei ni sakitakute
kono yoru ni kokoro mo risou mo yami ni toke komu
semete konya dake demo

~

*~*