Date: Fri, 30 Jul 2010 18:08:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: Lori Borgaard <lborgaard@yahoo.com>
Subject: Starlight in the Heavens - 4 [gay male: sf or fantasy]

Joshua


     Sean's face pales at my words and instantly I regret letting them
escape my mouth.  For six years I let him believe I didn't know.  I'd
watched him so carefully when he came back to me.  I'd watched the anguish
of his secret tear him apart and never once told him I knew.  I should
have, I know that now, just as I knew it then.  We could have talked; we
could have mended the pain a long time ago.  But for some reason, unknown
to me, I just couldn't tell him.  I couldn't tell him that I had felt every
touch of his hand on her skin.  I couldn't tell him that he had taken me
with him when he'd gone.  I didn't understand it, couldn't comprehend the
feelings of being one with her to the point that when he touched her, he
touched me.  But it wasn't that simple either.  It was me touching her.
How do you wrap your mind around something so completely, unbelievably
insane?  I still, to this day, don't get it.

     And now he knows and the guilt of the act is again burning through his
mind.

     As I drop from my chair, onto my knees, and lay my head in his lap, I
hear his breath begin to hitch.  I rise up to his face and brush away the
tears that start.

     "I'm sorry, Sean.  I should have told you long ago that I knew.  Maybe
we could have figured out why you felt you had to do it.  Maybe then, this
thing," I scratch at my chest, "this shard wouldn't still be pushing into
my heart."

     Sean shakes his head, sobbing now, tortured sounds coming out of his
mouth.

     "I didn't.  I didn't."

     "Sean, I saw it in your eyes, I saw it from your eyes.  I felt her
skin beneath your hands while feeling your skin beneath hers.  I saw,
heard, felt, tasted, smelled everything.  I don't understand it.  I don't
know why or how, but I did.  You took me with you when you went to her."

     "Noooo."

     Sean's eyes close tight and his clenched hands press against his
temples.  Why did I have to say anything?  Why couldn't I just let it go?
His cries rip through my heart, burn into my mind.  I can't stand the pain
of them, but what can I do?  This has to end.  It's only a short matter of
time before he begins to feel what I've carried with me for the last six
years.  We're too close now for him not to feel it.

     Putting my hands up to his, I gently bring them down and hold them to
my lips.  He's trembling, but his cries have subdued.  I brush my cheek
along his fingers, close my eyes, and sigh.  We still need to talk.  I have
to know why, but for now, let me rest in the feel of his skin.

     I can see her face behind my closed lids.  Her crystalline green eyes,
shining as tears spill down her cheeks.  I never understood that either.
Why was she so sad?  He gave himself to her, gave me to her, and yet she
wept.  Why?  Nothing makes any sense, except the feel of his fingers
stroking along my cheek.  I concentrate on this, kiss the tips of his
fingers, and rest my head on his knees.  He's everything I want, everything
I need.

     "I was lost in the dream."

     His voice flows out in a smooth whisper.  It floats in the air like
feather gently resting on a summer breeze.  I can feel myself melt into his
voice, letting it surround my soul.  I smile a little.  His voice always
does this to me.  No matter what his words are, his voice, when he speaks
this way, calms my soul.

     "I never thought you would be drawn into it with me."

     "Lost in what dream?"

     He sighs and moves a hand to my hair.  Shivers run down my back as he
combs his fingers in along my scalp.  I could almost purr in contentment,
instead, I moan and draw his hand closer to my nose.  The smell of his
skin, the touch of his fingers, brings my need for him to the forefront of
my mind.  It pushes the image of her face back.  It softens the point of
betrayal in my heart.

     "It was a strange dream.  I don't remember it completely, just bits
and pieces.  But, I know it was the reason for the union."

     His hand flinches as his fingers continue to comb through my hair.

     "It wasn't her I made love to.  It was you."

     "I don't understand, Sean.  You were with her."

     "Yes.  I don't understand either.  I never understood.  I only knew
that there was a purpose, something important, but it was you I carried in
my heart.  When I touched her skin, it was yours I felt."

     Maybe that was the answer.  I don't know.  Right now, I don't care.
Right now, all I want to do is make love to him.  Music starts in the
living room and makes its way up and out of the balcony door.

     I raise my head and turn to the door.  "I thought Jenna left."

     "I guess she wasn't finished."

     He stands and helps me to my feet.  `Love is Forever' plays
downstairs.  After hearing it the first time not long ago, it quickly
became our favorite song.

     Nuzzling into the crook of my neck, he whispers, "Dance with me," and
I hold him close and begin to turn.  Soon we are gliding together, molded
and spinning as one being.  This is the way it's supposed to be.  This is
the way I want it to be, forever.

     The song ends and I bend to his mouth.  He gives me his breath with
his kiss.  Apricot brandy on his tongue.  It isn't a flavor I enjoy on its
own, but mingled with the taste of Sean, I find myself wanting more.  The
sun is gone, replaced by a dark starlit sky.  I break away from Sean's kiss
and momentarily gaze up into the night sky.  I often wondered at people's
perception of the night being black.  I suppose it is, but in my mind, it
was blue.  Deep, dark, all enveloping blue.  The color molds itself to
everything around, shifting to pale shades at light sources, but still
everywhere.

     Sean's head rests against my throat, his soft curls brushing up, under
my chin.  I love the feel of his hair on my face.  Often, I stand with him
held tight to my chest and press my cheeks, lips and nose into it.  I close
my eyes and breathe in his scent.  Tonight, as I breathe him in, I am
stunned as visions and memories rush through my mind.  They run through so
quickly they become nothing more than a blur, but a blur of one continuous
theme.  Sean.  I'm getting dizzy with the speed of the assault and am
brought to a sudden and inexplicable halt as one stands out from the
others.

     Standing on the beach, staring out as the water recedes and grows into
a wave of tidal proportions, is a child.  A boy, slight in frame with soft,
golden-brown curls that rest on bronzed skin.  He stands quiet and still as
the tidal wave builds out in the distance, alone and seemingly unafraid.
Slowly, he begins to turn, and I feel myself begin to shudder with the
expectation of what I will see in his young face.

     "Josh?"

     He's turning.

     "Joshua?"

     Completely turned now, the wave at his back.  His eyes stare back at
me, royal blue, and he smiles.