Date: Sat, 20 Sep 2008 05:24:59 -0700 (PDT)
From: callibrn <callibrn@yahoo.com>
Subject: understanding my submission part 5

Some of the thoughts that were running through my mind of late usually
confused me but recently they just seemed to relax me. I had spent years
worrying about how I let men tell me what to do, or whether or not I
appeared to be a fag at work or how I could learn to be more assertive. I
had really been in a lot of relationships with guys where I did whatever
the man wanted me to do. It had bothered me a lot over the years, thinking
about all the things that had happened to me. But recently I seemed to just
be relaxed about it all. I no longer seemed to be embarrassed about any of
it, or worried about what someone thought. There was a lot to learn about
thinking about it calmly I decided.

I was not even stressed lately dealing with bills and the checking account.
Rob had taken control of that task years ago and now I was dealing with it
all since he couldn't do any of that any more. I had really been upset
originally when he told me he was taking over the checking account and
wanted my paycheck every two weeks so he could handle the money. But he had
been very clear about it and I had finally agreed to it one night. Then
after I agreed, he told me I had to ask to be able to spend money because
he said once I turned it over to him, it was his money. I freaked, but I
had agreed to his control of it and after thinking how dumb I was for
awhile, I got used to it and I no longer had to worry about the money. It
was great not having that stress. Then it had stressed me when I had to
start dealing with it again. Now paying the bills didn't stress me and
thinking about not having control of my money all those years didn't stress
me either, it seemed good now. I was just relaxed and doing what I had to
do, but I knew now all those years of letting my man do it was somehow a
good thing.

I began to notice that I was not worrying at work any longer about how I
appeared to people. I didn't stress over appearing "gay" or having people
think I was a faggot. That had always bothered me through the years, having
men seem to know right away that I was gay. I had always been very
protective of myself at work, not talking about my outside life really. I
did my best to do my work but not draw any more attention to myself than
necessary. But I began to offer my assistance to men at the office now,
doing what needed to get done for them. I mean, I just seemed to be putting
myself out there, if I knew a man needed some help on something. For
example, Jason, who works in IT, was in my area and he started talking
about his new office. He said he was having trouble getting the
administrative assistant to get him office supplies, couldn't get things
organized because there was no help for that around here. I immediately
offered to help him and told him not to worry, I would take care of it. He
gave me a look kinda like he was surprised. So I rounded up some supplies
he said he needed and a day later I went to his office and knocked at his
door.

"Come on in," he spoke loudly. He had a deep baritone voice.

"It's just Steve," I replied. "I have some of those office things you
mentioned you were having a tough time getting. I didn't want you to go
without them anymore, that is not good working conditions."

I started to unload the things on a little side table that was next to his
desk.

"Wow!" he sounded surprised. "That didn't take long. You are definitely
quicker than going through the channels here."

"Thanks, Mr LeForge. I just wanted to make sure you have everything you
need to get your job done," I told him.

"Just call me Jason," he added, "no formality needed."

"Well, you are in a different division, and you have your own office," I
added. "I would feel better if I just recognized your place in the
hierarchy here." I must have looked puzzled myself, because he looked at me
strangely. He was probably 30 or so, and about 15 years younger than me. It
wasn't something I had thought about much before that moment. If someone
said call them by their first name I did, but here I was demurring to a man
based on his place in the company. As soon as I called him by his proper
name I knew it felt right, so I smiled.

"Well, if that makes you comfortable," he smiled back at me, which made me
feel sure I had done the right thing. "Thanks a lot for getting all these
things. I was having trouble with it."

"Well, I just thought, Mr. LeForge, it made no sense to disrupt your work,
with you having to find all this stuff, it seems like a waste of your
valuable time. So I just thought if I would help in any way, I could."

Mr LeForge, looked at me for a few seconds. He was really sort of staring
and I was beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable, then he spoke. "I really
appreciate it Steve," his words made me feel very good, like I had done the
right thing. "I have been looking for a few other things for around here
too, but I am so busy I haven't had the time..."

"Oh, if I can help, I would really like to," I jumped right in, offering to
do more for him. I didn't even really know Mr LeForge and he wasn't in my
division, but I felt it was my responsibility to help this man for some
reason.

"Well, officially I can't ask that, Steve, you know I don't supervise you,"
Mr LeForge pointed out.

"I will do it with my own time," I surprised myself with my quick
response. But when I said it I felt like it was something I knew I should
do.

Mr LeForge smiled. "Good to hear."

It was a great feeling knowing I has helping a man at work. Mr LeForge had
a list of things he needed for his office, including some kind of blinds
for his window and some fabric to cover the old table opposite of his desk
that had books and a vase on it.

"I don't want anything too faggy in here, Steve. Do you understand?" Mr
LeForge finished his request.

I blushed and I stammered, but managed to reply that I wouldn't get
anything too faggy for him, then I thanked him for letting me do this and
left to get back to my area.

I was so thrilled to have the opportunity to do something for this man. I
didn't really understand why, but I knew it was important for me to do
this, to take care of his need for some things for his office. I had no
idea when I would find the time between work and taking care of Rob, but I
felt I had to do it.

I did find some time to run to the home store when I was making my usual
trip to the grocery a couple days later, so when I showed up a couple days
later at his office with my arms full of stuff, I think Mr LeForge was
surprised. I just got right to work, decorating his office with some of the
things I had bought, he seemed to really like the stuff I had gotten and I
had been extra sure to not get anything that did not reflect well on
him. Just like he had said everything I chose was very butch, nothing
"faggy".

"Steve?" Mr LeForge began...

"Yes, Sir?" I responded immediately.

"You're a faggot aren't you?" he looked at me directly while asking his
question.

I got all tongue tied and embarrassed and I really didn't know what to say
at first. But he spoke again. I should have been VERY embarrassed given
that I usually didn't announce that at work, but I was mostly calm, just a
little unsure of what to say to him.

"No need to even answer, your face gives you away. I've only seen a few
that were as obvious as you, so it wasn't too difficult to tell. Doesn't
matter to me what you do, but I will make use of you as long as you are
offering to do stuff for me," he added. "I'm not interested in sex, my wife
is more than willing to put out, but as long as you follow directions, I
can always use a fag to get some work done for me."

"Yes, Sir", I spoke at last. "I understand Mr LeForge, sorry I was so
obvious." I was really upset that I may have offended him by being so
obvious. He told me not to worry, I couldn't help it, he knew. It made me
turn red again, but he was right, men had always known, this was just more
confirmation for me.

"I am done with you for now," Mr LeForge told me "but, I do want you to
check back regularly to see if I need anything. It will keep you out of
trouble if you have something to focus on besides trying to suck dick in
the bathroom."

"I..I don't...I mean..." I was stumbling trying to get my words right, I
didn't hang out in the bathrooms here.

"Don't hide it, Steve. All fags hang out in bathrooms sucking dick, why
would you be any different? I don't care what you do on your off time, but
if you are spending any time doing work for me, I don't want you fagging
here in the building, do you understand me?" His voice was suddenly very
commanding, and his look was very stern.

"Yes, Sir" was the only answer that seemed appropriate. "I won't be doing
that, I don't do that here, Mr LeForge."

"Good boy, I won't have you doing work for me if you have a reputation like
that. I don't need people to think I am using a faggot right here at the
office for something besides work."

I was terrifically embarrassed but at the same time when he said "good boy"
to me, I felt extremely comfortable in his presence. "Yes, Mr LeForge, I
understand." I left as quickly as I could when I finished the stuff I had
to do there. I didn't want anyone to think anything bad about Mr
LeForge. He was nice enough to let me help him, so I wanted to make a good
impression. He didn't say anything else to me so I just slipped out when I
was finished.

 ***

"Good boy," the voice that was speaking was different than Mr LeForge's
voice. "You are such a good boy to help out men at your office, Steve. That
is showing your submission very well. Such a good fag. Such a good boy." It
was Mr Ericsson's voice, I knew it now. "You know you are becoming more and
more submissive. You listen to the CDs I give you and every time you listen
you become more submissive to men, to all men, Steve. You know that is
right for you, that it is your place to be submissive to men, don't you,
boy?" Mr Ericsson's voice was so soothing, I DID know that it was my place.

"Yes, Sir, Mr Ericsson. I need to be submissive." My own voice sounded far
off, detached somehow. I was relaxed but listening intently to Mr Ericsson.

"Such a good boy, helping men at work. No need to hide what you are, All
men know you are submissive to them. You need to be a good boy, a good
faggot. You need to keep serving men, Steve. Keep serving them, keep
submitting. You know you feel best when you are serving men, boy. You are
fulfilled when you are submitting to their will, boy. You are doing so
well, boy. Learning more and more about yourself. Such a good fag, such a
good girl."

I felt so good, hearing I was doing well, knowing I was doing what I was
supposed to be doing.

"You are always a little more submissive than the men you are talking to,
boy. Because you serve all men, boy. You know it is best for you to submit
to all men, girl. Each day you are more submissive than the last. This is
nothing new for you, boy, you have always been more submissive to all men,
boy. Just like a girl, you are submissive to your man."

Mr Ericsson's voice was strong and soothing. It was relaxing to my ears as
he explained things to me. Things that made more sense every time I heard
his voice telling me what was going on, what my life was about.

"I am telling you nothing new. You already know this to be the truth,
Steve. You have always been more submissive than all your boyfriends. It is
in your nature, boy, your being, to serve and be useful to men, all
men. You are a faggot, boy. You have always been a faggot. You know this
now and you are beginning to accept this fact and understand your
responsibilities in being a faggot, boy."

Mr Ericsson patted me on the head. I could feel the warmth of his touch
radiating through me. I wanted nothing more than to serve his needs, to be
useful to him. Mr Ericsson was standing near me. He told me to get off the
sofa and get on my knees. He then sat down on the sofa and he lifted his
bare foot to my face. I was unsure what to do. I was in my dreamlike state,
and I was unsure what was supposed to happen next.

"I want my foot cleaned boy. Take your tongue and begin licking every inch
of my foot. This is your service today, faggot, to worship my feet. You
need to treat all of a man's body as well as you treat a cock, boy, you
know that. You know that you need to serve all men, and all of a man, boy."

I took Mr Ericsson's foot in my hands and felt the same warmth I felt from
the rest of his body, move through me, I wanted to serve his feet. I began
licking the top of his foot. It smelled like Mr Ericsson, but only
stronger. It tasted no different than licking his cock, and it brought me
extreme pleasure when I began to suck on his toes. One by one I took his
toes into my mouth, savoring the taste and feel of Mr Ericsson's energy. He
kept telling me what a good faggot I was and how good I was doing it. Those
words just made me want to do more for his feet, for him.

I finished cleaning Mr Ericsson's right foot and I moved to his left
foot. I licked the top and bottom of his foot before moving again to his
toes, placing each in my mouth and rolling my tongue around them, tasting
everything, getting to know his feet through my mouth. I had never cleaned
anyone's feet before like this, but I knew that it was the right thing to
do now. All the other things I had done with men, but never had I been so
sure that worshipping a man's feet was right for me.

Next Mr Ericsson moved me up to his armpits. I had to clean those too. He
took off his shirt and grabbed the back of my head and shoved it into his
right pit.

"Worship my body, bitch. Nothing better than a good boy, worshipping a man
with his tongue. You need it more than I do, boy."


Mr Ericsson smelled slightly under his arms but when I sniffed, it just
made me want to lick and clean his pits more. His smell overpowered me and
I had to have it. I needed his smell and his assurances. I also knew deeply
now, that I needed his cock and his load. It seemed like I craved it more
each day and I could barely control myself and I cleaned his left pit for
him, licking at the hair, thinking that he was clearly a man, all that hair
under his arm. What a strange thought it was to me, associating being a man
with having a hairy pit, but that is what I thought about, and it just
drove me crazy as I licked and sucked at his pits for him.

"Tell me what you need, boy. Tell me what you know you need." Mr Ericsson,
pulled my head away from his body and looked me directly in the eyes.

I lowered my eyes down his body to his pants. I saw the outline of his dick
hard and straining against them. I kept my eyes down and mumbled my reply.

"Your load, Sir. I need your load in me." I looked up at him as he held my
head

Mr Ericsson smiled. "Good girl! You KNOW you need it now, I knew it was
only a matter of time and you would be able to realize how much a man's
load means to you."

I felt embarrassed saying it, but I knew it was true. I had no control over
myself anymore. I used to have control, I thought to myself, to be able to
say no. But now I knew that was wrong and just a figment of my old
imagination. I no longer had control; or rather I never had control at
all. I had always done what I knew now I needed to do, what I KNEW I HAD to
do in this world. I might have been more shocked about thinking this all
through at such a moment, but Mr Ericsson, kept me calm, kept me level
headed and I was in some sort of dreamlike trance, going through the steps
of acknowledging him and how right he was.

"Open my pants, boy... Take out my cock...Good girl...that's it...Suck it
deep, faggot...take it all down your throat...take it, like a good
faggot...Show me you need my cock, girl..." Mr Ericsson spoke gently but
directly and I had to follow his direction. Then he pulled his cock out of
my mouth and he turned around. He bent over the sofa and his ass was in my
face. I knew I had to lick his hole before he spoke the words.

"Now you need to lick my hole, boy. Go on, I know you've done it before to
other men. Stick your tongue out and lick it, girl. Lick my ass crack
good."

I started hesitantly licking Mr Ericsson's crack. The scent was strong,
like he had been to the gym, strong, mixed with that funky smell a man can
get around his ass. But I wanted to do it, deeply wanted to lick his
hole. I began to lick more as he encouraged me.

"Come on, boy, that's it...good boy...lick it deep...stick your tongue way
up there...whoaaa, yeah, that's it, bitch...get it all clean for me,
girl...feels so good, boy...such a good boy, licking your man's
asshole...you need to taste a real man's ass, boy...need to know what a
real man tastes like..."

I ground my face further into Mr Ericsson's hole, shoving my tongue deep. I
wanted to taste him, to know what a man tasted like. I knew I needed to do
it. Mr Ericsson's hand grabbed my head and forced me further into his
crack. I was shoving my tongue in and out of his hole. Mr Ericsson was
encouraging me with his moans. Every time he moaned I knew I was doing well
at serving him. I felt more comfortable each time he gave me some feedback.

Mr Ericsson turned around again and his cock was pointing at my mouth. I
went to take it into my mouth, but when I moved closer it exploded all
over. The first spurt sprayed across my forehead. I was disappointed that I
didn't get to suck it more, but I wanted his load so much I started trying
to catch it all as his load shot out of his cock. But his cock kept jumping
around and spraying all over my face. I looked up at Mr Ericsson and he was
smiling and when he finished shooting, he started chuckling.

"Such a pretty cocksucker, boy. You look good with my load on your face."

He started smearing his cock on my face then feeding me his load off his
cock. He spent awhile cleaning my face that way, then scooped the rest off
my face with his fingers and I sucked those clean for him. I loved tasting
every bit of his load. I had to taste it all. As he fed it to me I noticed
how relaxed I became, taking his seed into my mouth.

"Good boy, Good fag. I want you to go home and work on that CD as always,
boy. You are so good and learning so much. So relaxed now, no stress, boy.
Such a good boy these days."