Date: Fri, 11 Jul 2008 17:18:43 -0500
From: Andy Smith <andyoutwest@live.com>
Subject: Asleep on the Beach Chapter 15
Asleep on the Beach
Chapter 15
Writer's Note:
Disclaimer: Please be advised that under aged youths are advised to not
read this material; all others are welcome. Should you chose to proceed to
the story below...please enjoy! Any comments are welcomed and you'll get a
fairly prompt reply; andyoutwest@live.com
Prologue
Lenny left Liam's house unwillingly after one of the most intensive
and intimate kisses of his young boyhood. He was confused, hungry for
more, and afraid that everything was falling between his fingers. Jason
and Liam finally were able to realize a portion of the joys that would be
in front of them...but we still don't know the impact of the night's news
on the parents and how that will factor into the boy's lives.
Chapter 15
Lenny woke in the middle of the night totally disoriented. It took
him several moments to realize he was in his own bed, evidentially his
father had placed him there after leaving Liam's house last night. The
darkened room ensured the twelve-year old that it was still dark. He
looked over at the clock at his bedside table and saw that it was 3:10 a.m.
Memories of all that happened over the last evening slowly invaded his
senses. As the fog began to dissipate from his memory he could still feel
the coolness of the water as they swam and played in the pool. He could
smell the chlorine, and could almost feel the wrinkled fingers from the
effects of being in the water so long. He smiled at the memories of
touching and handling Brant. Their eyes stayed locked on each other nearly
the whole night. Though they hadn't time for deep conversations, volumes
had been spoken to each other through their eyes. Just before Brant had to
leave with Ray and his brother, Lenny had pulled Brant aside to ask him if
he wanted to have a sleep-over later in the week. Brant was eager to do
it, and Lenny recalled having to hide his erection at the prospects. Very
well he recalled the many out-right hard boners he had seen Brant sport as
they wrestled and played in the water last night. Lenny could suppose
those had just been caused by the physical contact and rough-housing...all
boys get boners when wrestling and touching naked skin...didn't they?
Still...the way Brant kept looking so intensely at Lenny all night long
made Lenny believe there was more to the boners than pre-adolescent
hormones.
Lenny's smile broke as the vale over that kiss began to fade. The
vividness of Liam's warm and hungry lips had been palpable. Lying there on
his bed in the dark Lenny brought his fingers to his own lips to touch
where Liam kissed him so passionately. A tear formed in his eye and gently
fell from its secret place to caressing his silky cheek as it traveled
downward. After the tear, there was coldness. He was alone, and now he
felt the weight of being alone...in the dark. Even the familiarity of his
own bedroom that came upon him as he gathered his senses moments ago did
little to comfort him now. Lenny didn't want to be alone. Touches and
caresses from Liam as they intertwined themselves at the kiss left lasting
impressions upon his psyche. Closing his eyes, he could bring those
feeling back...but only fleetingly. As quickly as he could conjure
them...the warmth, the loving tenderness, the comfort faded.
Lenny recalled the vase of fresh flowers his Mother always kept on
the table – he'd helped her so many mornings find the prettiest and most
colorful from her garden and then would gather them into the house and she
would arrange them to display. She called them "glimpses of heaven."
Lenny hadn't remembered those flowers for years. In fact, he had forced
them from his mind. What he now remembered was how his Father left them
sitting on the table for weeks and weeks after she died; their luster
faded, the fragrant aroma soured. Eventually, they were just dried out
shells of what they had been. Cold. Withered. Empty. Any glimpse of
heaven now totally obsure; and that was what he felt inside himself right
now.
How long he yearned for companionship and acceptance. Finding Liam
out at the beach had seemed so heaven-sent. Liam was perfect; he was tall,
had a nice body, perfect teeth, curly hair, warm smile, and an infectious
grin and laugh that made Lenny want to just BE WITH him all day long.
Mostly though, it was Liam's sweetness, his kindness that drew Lenny to
him. There was a gentleness about Liam that Lenny picked up on right away.
All the rest of the boys Liam hung out with out at the beach had a way of
rough-housing and teen-age antics that were just mean-spirited and it
showed in their personalities. They were all trying to out-do one another
with wise-cracks, smart-ass remarks, crude behavior, and sometimes even
cruel in their joking around. From his distant vantage point across the
beach from them, Lenny was turned off by their antics, and had nearly made
up his mind to find another group of guys to spy on when he began to notice
the differences between Liam and the rest. Of course, there was Jason, who
Lenny now knew to be an awesome kid...but even Jason seemed like the
typical cruel teenager from a distance.
After actually meeting Liam and Jason...after being asleep on the
beach...Lenny's life changed forever. In only a few hours he and Liam had
become friends. Close friends. Liam touched him in ways he never dreamed
could actually happen. Spying on Brant and Ray at the beach had awakened a
stirring in him and when Liam touched him like that, he knew that this was
what the yearnings had been about. Someone who could touch him, hold him,
kiss him...love him.
Lenny knew his Father loved him, actually had no doubts of his
Father's love, but, it was different. Memories of his Mother's love were
of tenderness, of touching, of cuddling. His Father's love was
more...distant. His Dad spent so much time at work...Lenny was left
feeling empty. Liam filled the emptiness. That was it! Liam filled him
up.
After last night, Lenny feared the worst. Finally feeling
fulfilled...but now literally feeling like Liam was slipping from his hands
like sand through his fingers at the beach. He could reach out and grab
it, could touch it, could play in it...but couldn't hold it. He felt
desperately alone. The room seemed a hundred times darker. Shadows had
completely overtaken everything to the point that they weren't OVER there,
or UNDER there, or IN there...he was swallowed by the darkness. He
couldn't stay.
Clutching his pillow, Lenny crawled from his bed and made his way to
his door, then out and down the hall to his Father's room. The door was
open, ambient green light rom the besdide table's alarm closk, and the
TV/DVD, and Lenny could hear his rhythmic breathing from sleep; not quite a
snore, but almost. Stealthily, he made his way around the bed and crept up
into his Father's bed and under the blanket, still clinging to his own
pillow. This was better. His Father's smell was on the bed linens and a
warmth radiating from his body that instantly made young Lenny relax. He
could feel himself drifting back to sleep...the memories once again rolling
in like the fog from the bay. Loneliness creeping back to the forefront of
his mind again. How could the emptiness be filled now? Who could do that
for him? Who WOULD do that for him? Thoughts of Brant began to mingle
with those more troubling ones. A glimmer of hope? Lenny felt a stirring
in his loins as he recalled the swimming and touching in the pool. Brant's
erection so obvious when he was atop Ray and Daniel's shoulders. Lenny
wanted to jack right there in his Dad's bed as these thoughts aroused him
so greatly...only fear of waking is Father kept him from doing so.
Awareness of the presence of his son woke Leslie. He remained still
to see if Lenny would just go back to sleep, or if he was still having a
bad dreams. Earlier, after depositing the sleeping boy in his own bed that
evening, Leslie had heard the soft cries of the lad as he wrestled his
demons in his sleep. Leslie had waited to see if Lenny would go to sleep
before going in to check on him. When he did actually get up to check on
him, Lenny was sleeping...but not peacefully. Leslie pulled up the boy's
desk chair and watched his son's fitful sleep for a very long
time...actually drifting in an out of sleep himself. Gently he would
caress the boys hair, and pat his back tenderly like he did when Lenny was
a toddler. Lenny would drift off to sleep, and just when Leslie thought it
safe to go back to his own bed, the boy's nightmares would return.
Nightmares, or disturbing dreams...was there a difference? Leslie wanted
so much to make all this go away for Lenny. He wanted to just scoop him up
in his arms and make everything better like he could when the boy was but a
tot. Back then, a hug, a kiss, a snuggle...and everything was better.
Now...life was just too damned complicated. A twelve-year old boy
shouldn't have to wrestle the things this beautiful boy had to fight every
single day.
Sitting there by Lenny's bed, holding his hand, softly brushing his
hair, Leslie thought Lenny looked so much the child he actually was, so
much smaller, so much more vulnerable than he seemed when awake and moving
about with all his energy and...life. But, Leslie had to give the boy room
to grow up. He couldn't always protect him from bad things. Lenny would
have to learn what hurt, and what didn't and learn to cope as a young man.
Life wouldn't get easier...only harder. To coddle him would be to leave
him vulnerable for further heartache and disappointment. But, how much
could be put upon a boy? Where was the balance line? When should he step
in, and when should he back off as a parent? *Sigh*
Just that very evening at the Lawler's, he happened to look out the
window at the boys to make sure they were alright. All the other adults
were in the kitchen talking about the bomb-shell Jason had dropped about
the violence he'd endured. Lenny had told him earlier about some of what
Jason said tonight, but not everything, and at the time Lenny was Leslie's
main concern. Tonight it was real, and, palpable; this was a hurting boy.
And, the three friends were intertwined in a deep bond that was obviously
very complicated. So, when Leslie looked out the window and saw Liam and
Lenny intertwined in a passionate kiss that would make teenagers blush...he
blushed himself. Paternal instincts made him want to rush out and separate
them and forbid them from doing such things. Yet, he also knew that would
drive a wedge between Father and Son that could never be removed. In his
gut, he knew there was something very deep happening out there on the
porch. Leslie wanted to talk to Lenny about it on the way home...but Lenny
had clammed up and became totally withdrawn. Sleep overtook the boy before
they got home, so Leslie just carried him up and put him in his own bed.
Leslie removed the boy's flip-flops, unbuttoned and removed his
shear-cotton shirt, and decided against removing the shorts. They seemed
comfortable enough for the boy to sleep in, so he drew the blanket and
sheet up over him, kissed him and went to his own bed.
Full circle. Now Lenny was in Leslie's bed. Listening to his son,
Leslie thought Lenny seemed at fist to settle in and drift off to sleep.
Then, Leslie's paternal instincts told him the boy was having bad dream.
As gently as he could manage, Leslie pulled the boy to him and wrapped his
arms around him, patting his back and whispering to try to comfort him.
After some great deal of time, Lenny spoke.
"Daddy," he whispered.
"Yes, Son."
"Why do people leave?"
"Who has left, Len?" Leslie asked gently.
"Mommy."
Silence
"And Liam." Lenny added after his Father didn't answer the first
question.
"What do you mean, Son? Liam is at home in bed."
Lenny sighed. He couldn't verbalize what was running through his
mind. How could he communicate what that kiss meant? Would his Father
know anything about this? Could he believe that the two could communicate
without talking.
"I don't know what I mean, Dad," Lenny said with resignation.
Nothing was said for several minutes. Leslie continued to hold the boy, at
least the fidgeting had stopped. He was thankful for that much.
"Do you love him?" Leslie asked the boy. Lenny nodded his head in
affirmation, but remained silent.
"Love is a complicated thing, Lenny," Leslie said softly. He
gathered his thoughts and let out a deep sigh. How he wished the boy's
mother was there to help. "I...I don't want you to think I am lecturing
you, Son, but I just don't know if you really DO love this boy."
"What DO I feel, then, Dad?"
"Well...that is a good question, Lenny. It takes a great deal of
wisdom to know when and if you are in love. Love is an emotion...but it's
a living thing too. You can feel love, but who can describe it? How do
you touch an emotion? So, you feel it, but can't see it. You sense it,
but can't hold it in your hands. Tell me...why do you think you love him?
Do you think you could try to tell me about why you feel this way? Maybe
that will help you sort things out."
Lenny was silent a long time thinking about this. He wasn't
entirely sure what his Dad was talking about. It all sounded too
complicated.
"Let's try to think about WHEN you began to feel this way...that may
help you think of WHY," Leslie offered to the boy.
"Well, I watched him a long time before I met him...I told you
about that."
"Yes, go on."
"On the beach that day...the day we met...Liam told me he was gay.
He said, "I'm gay too." Lenny stopped talking for a moment, then resumed.
"That made me cry. Be.because that meant he could see that in me. It
scared the crap out of me...I was afraid that I'd misjudged him...that he
would be like those other boys and that he might make fun of me...or laugh
at me. I didn't want him to laugh at me, I want him to like me. Then...I
understood that he said "too." That meant HE was gay! It meant that there
was a small chance we could be friends.
"So, he asked me to come over to his house. He let me take a nap
on his bed...put burn cream on my sunburn. He was nice to me. He wasn't
trying to laugh at me, or be mean to me. I felt safe. He...his smile was
so kind. I kissed him. He kissed me back. We were going to be friends."
As the boy considered how much to tell his father, Leslie kept his gentle
caresses going, careful not to rush the boy...or to guide his thoughts. He
felt it important to let the boy work through as much of this as possible.
Lenny was a good boy. He was bright, compassionate, and thoughtful.
Working through things like this was often hard work, therefore seldom
done. It's kind of hard to poke yourself with a sharp stick...so it is
also hard to purposefully inflict emotional pain. Sometimes, though,it is
necessary.
Eventually, the boy relived everything. The deep details of their
night. The sexuality, the sensuality. The raw sexual awakening that had
overwhelmed him. His word descriptions were that of a twelve-year old
boy...but the sensuality was far from childlike. When he finished, Lenny
had a twinge of embarrassment at talking about having Liam's dick up his
backside, about how full it made him feel, and how that even through the
pain of the act, the overwhelming desire to go deeper, to take more...to
want it over and over...but telling did make him glad to have actually
shared this with his Father. His Father had made him feel like he could
tell him anything...like maybe he wasn't alone. Despite the embarrassment,
he realized he no longer felt so desperate.
Leslie was silent, uncertain if more was coming. After a few
moments, Leslie asked, "Have you done this again? Have you two been
intimate since that first night?" A smile crept up on Lenny's face as he
remembered being in the shower with Jason, then Liam.
"Dad?"
"Yes?"
"Promise you won't get mad?"
"Promise."
"Pinky swear!" Lenny raised up off Leslie's chest and stuck his hand
forward for the most solemn oath only boys can share.
"Pinky swear!" Leslie agreed as he intertwined their pinky fingers
and shook. Satisfied, Lenny settled back into his comfortable position on
his father's chest and began telling about the experience in the shower.
"...so, when we were in the water, I was in front of Jason and he
reached for the soap. He started rubbing soap on my back and then around
my stomach. I was facing away from him and he pulled me close to him to
get me all soaped up. I could feel his dick was hard and poking me. I
just had to turn around to see it. He was red and embarrassed that I saw
him all hard and stuff...I couldn't help it...I had to hold his dick. He
moaned like he really liked it...I remembered what I saw two kids do on the
beach once (he wasn't ready to talk about Brant yet)...SO I just knelt in
front of him and kissed his dick...then I started sucking him. That is
when Liam came back in to the shower. At first, I thought he would be
mad...but he didn't get mad. I sucked them both, and made them feel good.
Liam sucked me again. It was awesome, Dad. I didn't know sex would feel
so good."
Silence...a long, long silence.
"Dad?"
"Uh...Ummmm...WOW," Leslie finally stammered, "not sure I wanted
quite all those details, Son. No...No, it's okay. I want you to be able
to talk to me about anything you need to, Son. I asked...so I can't get
upset when you answer my questions.
"Let me tell you about when me and your Mother met. I was roommates
with Robert...Robbie, I called him back then...back when we were both
Freshmen at Midwestern. We became very close friends."
"Yea, I like Robert. He's nice." Lenny said absentmindedly.
"Well...I don't know if you do see, Son. I mean we became VERY
close friends." Leslie had Lenny's full and undivided attention now. He
sat full up in the bed and re-positioned himself to sit Indian style with
his knees touching his Father's side.
"You mean...?"
"Yea," Leslie blushed. It was obvious even in the dim light of the
room. "Yea, I mean we were really, really close friends. We...umm...we did
things together...similar things that you have told me about you and Liam
and Jason doing together."
"No SHIT?!" Lenny cried in amazement.
"Watch it there, Buddy," Leslie asserted. "Let's not get carried
away here. No...I'm not going to give you all the steamy details you just
gave me about yourself...a man has to have some secrets from his kids.
But, yea. I know something about what you have been experiencing, Son."
"Umm...Dad?" Lenny queried, "umm...what does this have to do with
Mom?" A light went off in Lenny's head. "MOM! Wait! What about Mom? If
you...you and Robert were...ummm...doing things...what about Mom?" A smile
crept upon Leslie's face at the boys revelation.
"That is my point, Len. That is exactly my point." Leslie now sat
up himself, re-adjusted his pillows so he could sit with his back to his
headboard. He motioned for Lenny to join him and as the boy slid up to
join his Dad, Leslie put an arm around his shoulders and relayed the rest
of the story.
"I met your Mom, and soon I began to know that I felt a great deal
for her. We began to date. Robbie and I talked about girls before, but
neither of us ever found one that interested us. They scared us both a
great deal, and we just weren't comfortable even talking to one...much less
thinking about anything else with one. Well...you mother was different.
"She was disarming. I felt comfortable around her. She made me
laugh. She made me excited...excited to just...I don't know...to just be
around her. She was so smart, so...so ready to live life! She embraced
life fully at every turn. If I ignored something, or dismissed it as
meaningless...she made me see why it was significant...why other people
were so important...how I could learn by listening, watching, and caring.
I was falling in love.
"Robert and I just weren't so important anymore. I mean...I still
loved Robbie...in a unique way...but I began to see that it was your Mother
that I was meant to be with.
"See...I also believe this, Son. Love isn't a hole you trip and
"fall into." Love is a process. It takes time to develop. You spend time
with someone, you begin to learn what they love, what they like, what
scares them, what their dreams are. Soon you begin to share the same
dreams, same loves...you share laughter and tears. You find yourselves
wanting the same things, wanting to be in the same places, to be doing the
same things. One day, you wake up and REALIZE you are in love. It FEELS
like you just fell into love...but you didn't...you grew into love.
"I was attracted to your Mother the very day I met her. I knew I
COULD love a girl like her...she was so...so perfect for me. What I didn't
know was IF SHE would be someone who COULD love ME."
"Wow." Lenny said reflectively.
"Yea...Wow." It had been years since Leslie could bring himself to
talk about this to anyone. Somehow it felt so right telling his own son
about this though. He wasn't sure he was helping Lenny, but he KNEW this
was helping HIMSELF!
After a moment of reflection, Lenny said, "Liam and Jason have been
friends since like the second grade...but," he paused, the sighed deeply,
"but me and him have only known each other a few days..." Lenny looked up
at his Father then with a realization beginning to set in. "Are you saying
that I can't l.love Liam because I haven't known him long enough?" The
face looking up at Leslie was desperate, young, innocent, and confused.
"No," Leslie whispered as he leaned down and kissed his son's
forehead, "no, I'm not saying you can't love Liam. I don't know if you do
or don't, Lenny. I'm afraid only you can know for sure. And, it might
take you a long time to know the difference. That's what I'm saying.
"Son," Leslie said, drawing Lenny closer to himself, "this is why we
adults teach our kids to lay-off the sex stuff at young ages. Love is
complicated, confusing, and most adults don't understand it. Nearly half
of all marriages fail in divorce because adults can't get it right. At
your age...please don't think I'm talking down to you...I'm not...but at
your age, you don't even know what about the basics of Physical Science, or
a zillion other basic things in life are all about...most other things in
life are a breeze to pick-up on, compared to love.
"Sex is fun. IT's good...REALLY good!" Leslie continued and Lenny
blushed at his Father's candor. "But...the flip side is that sex
complicates the hell out of things. It makes us have feelings we don't
understand, yearnings we can't fulfill or communicate. It makes us look at
people differently. One day they're just kids at school...playmates...the
next thing you know you are trying to undress them in your mind...wondering
what they look like with no clothes on, wondering if they're good in bed."
"DAD!" Lenny protested.
"Tell me you haven't changed...tell me you don't think of people
differently now." Lenny shrugged, realizing that though it was
embarrassing to hear such things from his Dad, what he was saying was still
the truth.
"My point is this, Son," Leslie said, lifting Lenny's chin slightly
to look him in the eyes. "I don't think it's a good idea for you to be
having anal intercourse with anybody right now. Oral sex complicates
things enough. The other is just asking for emotional baggage that you
really don't need, and I don't believe you are prepared for right now."
"Ummm...Dad?" Lenny asked tentatively. Leslie was expecting some
deeper questions or even some embarrassed efforts at changing the subject.
"Hmmm?"
"I gotta go to the bathroom."
"Oh...best go take care of that then!" Leslie said brightly, but
quietly. He nudged the boy up and playfully swatted at his bottom as Lenny
slid off the bed.
Lenny quietly slipped into the bathroom and closed the door. He
didn't have to pee...he had a raging boner and desperately had to take care
of it! Thumbing his shorts and tighty-whities, he slid them down and
stepped out of them as he stepped toward the toilet. Lowering the lid, he
sat down and before his cheeks it the lid he was already stroking his dick.
All he memories of the sex with Liam, the thoughts of Brant with a
boner...thoughts of touching his wet, slippery skin...the talk of sex and
even thoughts of his own Dad giving Robert a blow job...god...he felt like
when he did climax that his whole dick might explode. Feverishly he pumped
away at his dick, his thumb rubbing the sensitive head on every up-stroke,
and the other hand finding it's way to his tight ball-sack. Tugging,
pulling, jacking...panting...close, so close now... "gggooooddddd..." he
growled while desperately trying to be quiet he was experiencing the most
massive orgasm he'd ever achieved by himself. His grip tightened, and the
pumping motion slowed as his hips raised off the toilet seat. Arching his
back, but keeping his chin down tightly against his chest Lenny let the
pleasure consume him. Stars circled his eyes as he'd been squenching them
so tightly closed contributed to a swimming, spinning sensation. He
breathing was a ragged panting by now. Then...it was over. The orgasm was
fading, and the out-of body experience seemed to be settling back to an
in-body amazing dream come true. Wetness. He felt wetness on his hand,
and dick. Opening his eyes, he couldn't see anything...so he brought his
hand to his face and he could smell it. Cum. Semen. He'd just
experienced his very first cum! "Oh...my...gwaad." Instinctively, Lenny
drew his hand to his lips and his toung darted out to taste it. It was
slippery on his tonge, not so thick as Liam's and Jason's...sweeter to
taste. "OMG!" he though "this is soooo amazing...can't wait to tell Liam I
came!"
Realizing he was supposed to be going to the bathroom, Lenny reached
over and wiped the residue from his hand and dick with tissue, and rising
he lifted the lid and dropped it in the toilet and flushed. Going over to
the sink he washed his hands, hoping the soap would disguise the sex odor
of what he'd just done. Stepping back into his clothes, he went back to
his Father's bed. He slid across the bed to snuggle back up to his Dad.
Leslie raised the cover to accommodate him and let the boy settle back in
ad get comfortable. Feeling the warm and soft skin of the boy, Leslie
sighed deeply as they both began to relax from the disruption of their
earlier embrace.
"Get everything taken care of?" Leslie asked softly, a broad smile
upon his face. Lenny felt his face burn with embarrassment.
"Was I that loud?" he finally said, realizing the deed was already
known, so no use in pretending it wasn't.
"Some sounds just need no explanation...don't have to be loud to be
understood." Leslie hugged him a bit closer, "Don't sweat it...it's a
natural thing. I'm not worried about it. I won't make fun of you about it
either."
"It was my first time," Lenny said quietly in his husky voice.
"Huh? I thought..."
"It was the first time anything came out when I did it," Lenny added
by way of explanation.
"Ahhh..." Leslie said with understanding, "well then,
congratulations are in order! Welcome to the world of unspeakable fun!" he
joked with his son. They both suppressed giggles, while reciprocating
hugs.
Lenny snuggled into his Father, wrapping both arms around his waist,
his face buried in his abdomen. Well, at first he seemed to be just
snuggling, but soon Leslie could tell the boy was sleeping again. Leslie
sat there holding Lenny the rest of the pre-dawn morning, watching the
sunlight start it's slow, but relentless invassion of the room. The weight
of these matters seemed to be lifting though, as both had a chance to talk
through some difficult things. This had been a very hard night and
morning, but feeling his son sleeping now peacefully in his arms, Leslie
was sure that he'd made some good choices in staying home from work to be
here for Lenny. He couldn't help but wonder if things would have turned
out differently had he been "around" more since his wife died...but
ultimately he decided it was entirely unhealthy to dwell on "what could
have happened" and to concentrate on "what IS happening."
He couldn't really advise Lenny on what to do about Liam. He could
sense that Lenny needed companionship, but felt that Lenny might be
confusing that need and the sexual pleasure and stimulation of what he and
Liam had done together as love. As the dawn broadened into morning, Leslie
slipped out from under Lenny, letting the boy have his place and take
possession of his pillow, and made his way into the kitchen to put on a pot
of coffee.
Once it was brewed, Leslie poured a big mug full and went out to the
balcony and sat facing the morning sun, watched the rest of the world come
awake as he sipped the hot coffee, and enjoyed the aroma and sensations of
the morning unfolding. He decided to let Lenny sleep in as long as he
wanted this morning. It had been a long night, and who knew what the new
day would bring.
Comments welcome! andyoutwest@live.com