Date: Thu, 17 Mar 2011 04:21:22 -0400 (EDT)
From: alexxxapathy@aim.com
Subject: Beach Boys chapter 11

Dear everyone: I know I suck hard when it comes to updates and I apologize
oh so very much! I really appreciate your patience. I'm in the honors
program at my college and to say the course load is heavy would be a SEVERE
understatement. So, forgive me. Annyway, this chapter is part one of a
two-part installment, so rest assured, THE NEXT ONE WILL BE HERE REALLY
SOON I SWEAR TO ZEUS! <3 -Alexxx

P.S. The note at the bottom is for all you special people who've become my
friends over the years, and for those of you whom I've yet to meet.

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I don't know how long we sat there staring at eachother, but it felt
endless. And not endless in the way that it did whenever I wrapped myself
up in Jamie's arms and closed my eyes, or endless in the way that it did
when I had to sit through detention for being late. I stood there choking
on a thousand different questions and excuses, but for the life of me I
just couldn't speak. Eric, however, didn't have the same issue.

"You look like a deer caught in the headlights", he snickered. My face was
burning.

"I.. you.. h-how did you..", I stuttered pitifully, before he cut me off.

"How did I know? Well, it's pretty obvious the way you guys stare at
eachother. I mean c'mon, when you were in my car you were so caught up
talking to eachother that I couldn't even get a word in." I was
dumb-founded.

Could it really be that obvious? I mean I knew that I probably
(unconsciously) looked at Jamie a little differently than I did other
people, but was it that bad? We'd been trying our hardest to remain
inconspicuous about our relationship to avoid all those horror stories you
hear about how gay kids get treated in school, and I'd thought that we were
doing a pretty nice job. But Eric, not the most empathetic or perceptive
person in the world by any stretch of the imagination, had seen right
through the facade without any effort.

"Hey there, Earth to Alex", he whistled, rousing me from my thoughts. I
couldn't think of how to respond.

"So... are, are you.. mad?" I sounded like a ten year old, but I couldn't
help it. Eric was really important to me, and I was absolutely terrified.

"Mad?" He burst into hysterics, laughing hard to the point of almost
falling off the bed. I coudln't tell whether it was more appropriate to
laugh or to cry.

"Well, yeah. I mean... you're not gonna' tell noone, are you?" I was
practically shaking.

"Dude, it's no big deal. My older brother's gay, and I kept his secret
until he was ready to come out when he left for college. I really couldn't
care less."

He sat down next to me and put his arm around me. Realizing that I was
shaking, he pulled me ino him. Normally I'd have been a bit loathe to be
this intimate with anybody other than Jamie, but I was so shaken that a
friend offering me some comfort was a welcome gift. I cuddled up against
him, buried my face in his chest, and started very softly sobbing.

"Hey now, ain't no reason for tears little dude", he half-whispered, gently
stroking my hair as he did, "You've got nothing to be afraid of."

"B-but if you saw through us so easy.. what if everyone else can too?"

"C'mon Alex, it's alright. Listen, I've known you since you first moved in,
plus my own brother's gay. It's different. Most people wouldn't notice a
thing. Honest." His words managed to soothe me a bit, and I calmed down
quickly.

"You promise?" I inquired, looking up at him. He smiled.

"Of course. Now c'mon, you're way too cute in the face for cryin', let's
get us back down to the party", he said smiling. I smiled back, happy to
know that I could count on at least one other person besides Jamie. Maybe,
just maybe, this wouldn't be so bad.

Going back downstairs was as difficult as getting up there had
been. Without fail, every single person seemed to want to stop and talk to
Eric as we made our way to the kitchen. A bunch of them looked at me with
confusion or interest, but I tried my best to ignore it. More than a few
girls even came up and kissed him!

When we finally did get to the kitchen, there were a bunch of jock kids
doing shots by the table. As Eric entered there was something akin to an
applause. Sometimes I really couldn't fathom how popular he was.

In the back of my mind, there was a part of me that idolized Eric. For
starters, he was the definition of the All-American boy. He was tall, had
short dirty-blonde hair that he always kept a mess, deep brown eyes and a
rich golden tan over an Abercrombie model's body. With all the parties he
threw you'd think that he'd be a real clown in school, but nothing could be
further from the truth. He got straight A's in honors classes, played for
the football and wrestling teams, and was even a member of the chess
club. He was one of those guys who could just drift from one clique to
another and make friends everywhere he went. Every guy wanted to be him,
every girl wanted to be with him, and even though he could be cocky and act
like a typical guy some of the time, he'd never done anything to suggest
that he was anything other than a nice guy who enjoyed a good time;
something that never ceased to amaze me.

"Hey guys", he shouted over the crowd to get their attention, "This is my
little bro Alex, and tonight we're gonna' show him how we party!" He threw
his arm around me and pulled me in next to him, and everybody cheered.

Eric sat down at the table before pulling me up onto his lap, and everybody
else followed in suit. Shot glasses quickly found their way in front of
each of us, and in an almost business-like fashion, they were filled. I
couldn't help but stare speechlessly. These guys really took this stuff
seriously.

"Okay here's how it's gonna' go dude. Basically it's just like taking a
swing of Gaterade or something, except you have to swallow it REALLY fast,
okay?" I nodded and tried my best not to seem as nervous as I really
was. Eric told me to relax, but on the inside I was about to explode. I was
about to have my first drink!

"Okay guys, let's go." And with that, everybody took their shot glasses,
threw back their heads, and downed the Smirnov Triple Distilled that'd been
poured in. Doing my best to replicate what Eric did, I did the same.

For a split second as the liquid descended down my throat, it didn't really
feel like anything. Then all of a sudden I got a jolt and coughed hard,
shaking my head. Eric patted my hard on the back a few times, and everybody
laughed and cheered.

"You just had your first shot!" Eric exclaimed happily. I couldn't help but
laugh and smile along wth him. With that another round was done, and then
another after that, and then another.

By the time we were done, I was seeing the world with a whole new set of
eyes.

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A NOTE TO ALL THOSE READERS WHO'VE FOLLOWED THIS STORY:

When I began writing this, I was hardly 18 years old (*cough* sevente-what?
*cough*). I was finishing my senior year in high school, doing my best to
survive and plan for the future with absolutely nothing to my name. I was
struggling to stay above water, after having to endure the deaths of the my
mother, who despite her flaws was the only real family I ever knew, and one
of the only two boys I've ever loved. I was a lot younger then, a lot less
driven and hopelessly without direction. But, since February of 2009 I've
graduated, started college, broken my addictions, gotten physically fit,
learned Spanish and French fluently, accepted myself for who I am, and come
to terms with the way my life has played out. As is the nature of our
world, things aren't always fair. Sometimes you aren't dealt a good hand.
But, as the French would say; c'est la vie. Such is life. You have to roll
with the punches, you have to go with the flow. The world can be a vicious
place; a den of wolves and demons who think nothing of using you up and
leaving you broken on the side of the road. But though I may not have found
much direction, and though I may not be that much further ahead in my life,
I have some things now that I couldn't even imagine having back in '09. For
the first time in my life, I have drive. For the first time, I have
courage, and perseverance, and a will to succeed and pursue something more
than just mediocrity. When I wrote that first chapter and accidently posted
it twice, well, I was a child. Now, after two long years, I'm not. Yeah, I
wouldn't say I'm an adult yet, but I can say quite confidently that I've
grown. And for the first time in my ENTIRE life, I can say that I am not
afraid of what tomorrow might bring. In fact, I'm ready to welcome it,
because I know that nothing can ever stay the same. And for all the fears
and insecurities brought on by the course of time, there comes possibility.
The chance for something better than what has come before. Call me crazy;
call me optimistic or foolhardy or idealistic... but I am all too eager to
take that opportunity, and carve for myself a better place in this world.
In the end, this whole big self-indulgent speech will only mean as much to
you as you'll allow it to, but it is my most sincere hope that these words
find a place in your heart and inspire you to take the next step forward in
your own life. And though I highly doubt the average Nifty Archives
demographic consists of kids like me, in situations like mine, if this
speech motivates even a single person to pick themselves up from the dirt
and prepare for the next round, then I've achieved my goal. Since 2009,
I've recieved hundreds and hundreds of emails, and they've given me a lot
of the strength I needed to keep fighting. I've made penpals and internet
friends the world over with only eight measly chapters, and though I've
never met a single one of you in person, and in all likelihood I never
shall, I want you all to understand the gratitude I feel toward your
kindness and patronage. It may seem ridiculous to say, but writing this
story and recieving all the many comments and messages you've sent has
played a major part in keeping me alive. So to all of you loyal readers,
old and new, I thank you. And most of all, I pray that you understand me
when I say that even though our paths may never cross and we may never come
to know one anothers' lives or struggles, eachother's hopes and fears, that
I love you. With everything I've got. So if you ever feel alone, if you
ever feel broken or beaten, know that you have a friend in me, and I'll
always be there to those of you who need one. You know where to find me. Te
amo, Je t'aime.

Alexxxapathy@aol.com
Yours, sincerely. Alexxx.