Date: Wed, 28 Feb 2001 10:00:57 +0000 (GMT)
From: ozy <soul_catcher2000@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: Being gay/chapter 3

Being Gay

Disclaimer and Warning: The following story contains
content of a homosexual nature. It is not intended
for those under the legal age.  If you are offended by
homosexual acts, or it is illegal in your area to
view such material, then stop reading and leave! I'm
not sure how old u have to b to b over the legal age.
I'm 17 so don't let it bother u too much.

Note: This story is the property of the writer any
copying in part or in whole of this document is prohibited,
and will result in termination of a life force.

BTW This story is based on real life events. It's true
except for the little details and time structure.

Emails can be sent to: soul_catcher2000@yahoo.co.uk

I looked at the message and read it again and again. Looking
for something hidden, something that would allow me to not
accept this. I gave up, I took a step back and the door to my
room opened, it was my mum.

"Your sisters on the phone." She glanced at me, not meeting
my eyes and turned to leave. I picked the phone up from my
desk, waiting and listening for my mum to descend the stairs
onto the landing. When she was gone I pressed the red button
and took a deep breath.

"Hello?"
"Ozy, thank god. Is anyone there? Can anyone hear us?" She
asked. I walked to my door checking if anyone was
eavesdropping, making sure the coast was clear I closed the
door to my bedroom. I walked to the other end of my room,
and opened a window.

"No, no-one can hear us. What is it Sheila?" I tried to relax and
be calm.

"Ok, it's. I know, I know everything. Everything about you
and Ryan, everything."

"What? What do u mean? Huh? You know what about me?
What the heck are you talking about?" So much for being calm.

"Calm down! And don't you dare deny it or lie to me. Dads
told me everything. Now I want you to listen to me carefully.
Please just sit down somewhere and listen, ok?" I sat down on
the edge of my bed and took a deep breath.

"What did dad tell you?" I asked.

"Ok, he told me a lot of stuff. He told me that you told Ryan
that you're gay. Is that true? The truth please."

"Well Sheila, promise me you won't tell anyone what I tell u,
ok? Promise me first."

"Look, this is really serious, dads talking about having you sent
away and talking about counselling and stuff. Me and you
don't really get on, and well you're a bit of a dork, but I know
when to be there for family, ok?" I considered that, and I saw a
new side to my sister. Maybe she wasn't such a bitch after all.
Hold on, Counselling?!?! Sent away?!?! What the fuck?!?!

"He what?!?! That asshole, I fucking hate him, I wanna kill
him. Counselling? I can't fucking believe this."

"Look shut-up and lets focus on what we can do. Now tell me
what happened right from the beginning ok?" I was so mad that
my dad hadn't even talked to me first. But she was right, I
needed to get things out in the open with someone, and she was
a lot older than I was. Maybe she could do something, do
what? I didn't see what I could do. Run away? Kill myself?
Man, I was sounding insane.

"Osman? Talk to me please just tell me. I'll help you through
this. Things aren't that bad." I ignored the last comment and
sighed deeply.

"Ok, I don't know why I'm doing this, its probably because."

"Probably because your scared witless and have no idea what
to do?"

"Look are you gonna listen, or just bug me?"

"You have nerve you know that? You are in more trouble than
you realise, this is just so typical of you."

"No, I do realise. But you know what? I don't give a fuck!
Now leave me alone if you're gonna bitch. I'm tired of all this
crap from you."

"There you go again. Ok, fine. If you're gonna calm down and
talk then I'm here, if not I'm gone." I sighed, I felt a dull ache
in my head and took another deep breath; there wasn't enough
oxygen in here.

"Look, please just tell me what dad told you ok?"

"Ok. Ryan's dad called dad last night, he said that Ryan had
come home looking pale and shaken and wasn't talking much.
When his dad got him to talk, Ryan told his dad that you were
gay, that you told him you were gay. Now you have my word
that everything you say is just between you, and me, ok? Are
you gay? I'm not so easily shocked, so just tell me already."

"Yeah Sheila I am, I'm gay. I told Ryan last night."

"And? What did he say? I guess he took it badly, but what did
he say?"

"Nothing much, he walked out on me, and now I find the
bastard's told his dad. I can't believe it."

"Well believe it Osman, because it's happened. Now look, I'm
getting worried about you. Just try and relax, stay calm. You
guys have been best friends forever and I'm pretty positive that
he wouldn't do anything to hurt you. Now before you get all
angry, wait for this all to come through, ok? I can't explain to
you why he did it. Talk to him and ask him why, and if you
still hate him then go you're separate ways. But don't let this
get to you."

"Oh god, I can't believe I'm actually in this situation. Why
would he do it? I don't understand. Why the fuck would he do
this?"

"Stop that! I don't wanna hear you talk like that. Now lets talk
about dad. He's asked me if I think it's a good idea to have you
sent to counselling, and I don't mean the counselling where u
sit and discuss your problems. The kind of counselling dads got
in mind involves making u "right". Now I have nothing against
your people, but what could I say? Dad would have turned on
me. So I told him it would be a better idea if I talked to you
first. That's why maybe I think we can handle this. Dads told
me that you're under a lot of stress. You're taking medication
right?"

"Umm. Yeah, I'm taking anti-depressants. They're for tension,
nothing big, why does that matter?"

"Just listen to me. That's not what you're gonna tell dad ok?
He really, really does not want to consider the fact that you're
gay. You used to be his perfect son, which is why I used to hate
you sometimes, did u know that? I got real pissed off when you
used to do stuff just to please him."

"What? I never did stuff to please him, if anyone did that, it
was you. You were the one dropping out of science and maths
classes and almost dropping out of education, simply because
dad thinks a woman's place is in the kitchen. So, how am I the
one trying to please him all the time?" I was even more pissed
off now, she was always the prissy princess, my dad did
everything her way and how she wanted it. Except for when it
clashed with his beliefs and his ways.

"Ok, you're right, we all did. But you were the one he favoured
the most. And that's a fact. He told me that this was really
unlike you, I mean he's found pictures of half naked boys in
you're room and he still doesn't even wanna consider it. Now
that's actually good. We can play this off, ok? Just tell him that
you've been overwhelmed with the stress the medication
you're taking isn't working and your basically emotionally
unstable. Got it?" I thought back to when my dad had gone into
my room one day and found a floppy disk on my bed. I'd left it
there in the morning whilst rushing to school. He loaded it up,
and up came shirtless pictures of some of my favourite teen
idols. I came home that day and found the disk missing, I went
into the study and found it in the drawer of my dad's desk. I
loaded my dad's computer up and I saw some of the picture
files listed under the documents tab. I almost had a heart attack,
I quickly deleted the files off the computer and destroyed the
disk. That night my dad took me into the study and gave
me a lecture on how guys go through stuff and it was just a
phase. Also including a little story on how there was a group of
people who used to accept homosexuality and god wiped them all out,
and they were all destined for hell. "God made men for women, and
women for men" is what he said. But would he really believe this
time that I wasn't gay?

"Why would that work, he's not gonna believe stress made me
gay! I mean he's a self-righteous asshole but..."

"No trust me, if you'd heard the phone call he made to me,
you'd understand. He'll believe just about anything right now,
just so he doesn't have to accept that your gay. Now just do
what I say. I really have to go now, I'll call you tonight after
my class finishes ok?"

"Yeah, yeah ok... Bye, and umm... Thanks Sheila."

"Bye, be calm, ok? Cya."

The phone clicked and I put the phone down. I stood there for a
minute processing all of my thoughts. All the new info I just
received. I knew it! I just knew that there was something more
than anger over my sister not getting home. Then I thought
back to my brother, oh shit. Did he know? If he did I was in big
trouble, he always mocked me, always jealous of me. My sister
was right I was the favourite one. My brother would probably
look for anything to hurt me. I loved him a lot and I tried to get
on with him, but he rejected me and things were gonna be a lot
worse if he knew. He must have known though. I paced the
room back and forth, what now? What to do? I had no idea;
everything was so jumbled in my head. My dad knew! He
fucking knew! I decided to sort one thing at a time and take my
sisters advice. Hopefully I'd be able to pass it off as stress, and
then deal with Ryan. No, I wanted to deal with Ryan first, he
started this mess and I wanted to know what he had to say. But
I couldn't deal with him right now, my head was spinning and
the thought of talking to Ryan, whilst I felt like this didn't
seem like a good idea. I decided to go play some basketball,
maybe it'd keep my mind of things. I headed out of the room
pausing to grab my phone and flew down the stairs, I almost
crashed straight into my dad who didn't even acknowledge my
presence. He kept his head down and passed me without saying
a word. I swore at him under my breath and slammed the door
behind me as I left.

On the court, I couldn't focus. Each time I pivoted I became
more and more nauseous. My mind was a million miles away.
TWHACK! Both my hands instinctively went to my face and I
fell to the floor.
"Oh shit! Man, are you ok?" One of the "big guys" as I liked to
call them, came over and helped me up.
"Shit. Ow. Yeah, I'm ok. Damn. just don't do that again." He
slapped me on the back.

"Sure dude, take 5 if u want."

"Actually I think I'm gonna get on home, I'll cya guys later."
I walked off court and headed for the bench. I thought that
maybe I should shower first. I felt all hot and dirty, I had sweat
running down my forehead and then I saw Ryan. He was
standing outside of the double doors, in his denim outfit. I
blinked and wiped the sweat out of my eyes and he was gone.
He disappeared? No, I'm sure I saw him, it wasn't my
imagination. I was gonna head out and see if I could find him,
but I just didn't have the strength to deal with him. I know I'd
probably end up beating him, and I was a controlled guy. So I
grabbed my stuff and headed home.

 About 30 minutes later I got home, I almost called out to my
mum, but stopped when I realised I didn't wanna see her.
Strange, the house seemed empty. I dropped my bag and went
to grab a drink. Looking out of the kitchen window I saw my
dads car out back, that meant he was home. Weird, he was
usually in the living room or study when he was home. I got
suspicious and decided to investigate. I headed up the first set
of stairs and paused on the landing listening for any sounds that
might give him away. I checked the bathroom, my parents
room and my brothers room, he wasn't in any of those, so
where the hell was he? Maybe he'd gone out, I decided to
shower and get changed. I headed up the stairs to my room, I
suddenly stopped, I could hear heavy breathing.  I slowly
approached my room, I could see the door to my bedroom was
slightly ajar. I paused and stood still, looking through the
crack, and then I saw him. My dad, flinging throwing some of
my stuff around, obviously searching for something. He
grabbed my school bag and emptied everything onto the bed,
before throwing it to the side. Oh, shit. My bag, where was my
brown drawstring bag? It had my entire collection of
homosexual stories and pictures; I would be killed if my dad
found it. I begun to panic, I remembered leaving it in my
wardrobe, I tried to get a better look but I couldn't see anything
from my position. Damn it, damn it. Should I barge in there
and stop him? No, that might frustrate him more. My bag, had
he found it?  My dad suddenly stopped and I saw him start
collecting all the stuff and put it away. He was giving up, yes! I
started to feel a little relieved. My dad disappeared from view
and I started breathing easy again. Then I saw the door open, I
instinctively turned and jumped down the stairs, falling and
landing uncomfortably. I hurt my ankle, but it didn't matter. I
turned and heard my dad climbing down the stairs. I got up fast
and smacked my head into the wooden post above the stairs. I
blinked, dazed and quickly got to my feet. I turned and there he
was. He stopped, and stared at me, he was breathing heavily,
through his nose; there was an almost crazed look in his eyes.
My eyes travelled slowly from his face to his hands, and then I
saw the brown drawstring bag.

Emails can be sent to: soul_catcher2000@yahoo.co.uk