Date: Wed, 14 Mar 2001 21:34:33 +0000 (GMT)
From: ozy <soul_catcher2000@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: being gay/chapter four

Being Gay

Disclaimer and Warning: The following story contains
content of a homosexual nature. It is not intended
for those under the legal age.  If you are offended by
homosexual acts, or it is illegal in your area to
view such material, then stop reading and leave! I'm
not sure how old u have to be to be over the legal age.
I'm 17 so don't let it bother u too much.

Note: This story is the property of the writer any
copying in part or in whole of this document is prohibited,
and will result in termination of a life force.

BTW This story is based on real life events. It's true
except for the little details and time structure.

Emails can be sent to: soul_catcher2000@yahoo.co.uk


I lifted my eyes to meet my father's intense gaze. The fear
returned, I was a child again, insecure and vulnerable. I looked
down, too afraid to meet the look of hatred and anger in my
dad's eyes. I could feel the words forming in my head, the
natural instinct to throw myself at his mercy and beg for
forgiveness, after all he was in control. But then something
inside me snapped, and I became the rebellious teenager I used
to be. I hadn't done anything wrong, I wasn't gonna be afraid
and I sure as hell wasn't gonna be controlled. I raised my head
and met my dad's intense gaze, I stared him in the eye and felt
no fear, only anger. My breathing became deep and heavy and
I could feel the blood pulsating in my head. An eternity passed
and still not one of us made a move or spoke. We continued to
stare each other out, daring each other to make the first move.
And then suddenly I felt afraid again, the anger subsided as I
realised what my dad might do, I tried not to care and tried to
be angry, but it didn't work. I slowly began to sink into despair
again and could feel my dad pick up on it. And then, the
doorbell rang. My father looked away for a second and I
suddenly felt a moment of freedom, I turned and walked
calmly down the stairs. I walked to the front door and opened
it. My sister stood there, eyeing me before speaking.

"Hi dork." She walked past me dropping her bag and calling
out to my mum.
"Muuum! Where r u? I'm home. Muuum!"
I turned and sighed.

"Mum's gone out, I have no idea where. Dads upstairs though.
I'm going out for a while, see you later"

"Hold on, anything else happened?" Before I had a chance to
reply my dad called to my sister and I could hear him
descending the stairs.

"Hey sweetie. Come here honey." My dad embraced my
sister and kissed her on the cheek, my sister responded in a
stereotyped response, kissing him on the cheek.

"Hi, daddy. Where's mum?"
I looked at them with disgust, how could they act so
affectionately towards each other when it was so obvious they
hated each other? I turned and headed out.

"Where are you going?" My dad asked. I turned and looked at
him, I felt afraid.

"I'm going to mosque." My dad was a strict believer in religion
and had taken up Islam when he was very young. We had it
imposed upon us and I guess it was why I hated my father so
much. It was unheard of to question religion, you had to simply
accept and believe. I accepted that I had to simply give the
impression I was a Muslim but I didn't accept that I had to
believe.
My dad looked at his watch.

"I want you back here as soon as prayers end" his face showed
no emotion, he seemed detached from his emotions. And that
was worse, if he was angry he'd get over it, but if he'd become
detached, it was like being cut off from our relationship. I
realised that even though I hated him, I still needed that
relationship. My dad turned and walked into the living room
with my sister. I swore at him under my breath, I hated this. I
could never stand up to him, everytime after an argument I
reflected back and realised all the things I wanted to say but
was too afraid. Next time I'm gonna say all these things, I
laughed too myself. Yeah right, next time would be exactly the
same and I knew it. I'd never be able to stand up to my father.
Getting out of here and getting to university was the only thing
I looked forward to. All of us wanted out of each other's lives,
yet my family all seemed to want to create the image of a
perfect family - no problems and definitely no faggot freaks.
We were far from being a perfect family but as long as we all
acted like it, then it was ok. I realised how much I hated all of
them for acting like this. Being part of a family with problems
was a lot better than being part of an act. I headed out of the
door.

The mosque was so peaceful, so quiet. I didn't really believe in
god, but felt it relaxing to pray. After prayers I looked around,
and sighed. Half of the people here wouldn't be able to justify
their presence in mosque yet they felt it sacred to attend all
prayers. Sheep, they did whatever they were taught or told, but
who was I to judge? I got up and left the mosque. Walking up
the steps outside the mosque I noticed a car, a blue Toyota. I
knew that car from somewhere. And then it hit me; it was
Ryan's car. I turned around and took the other route around, I
glanced behind me and saw Ryan's face through the car
window, his eyes seemed red and puffy and he looked like he
hadn't slept in a while. I felt the tears well up in my own eyes.
"My baby" I whispered, and then caught myself. He wasn't
mine, he hated me and I hated him. But I loved him, despite
what he'd said or done, I loved him still. I hated myself for
loving him. The tears began to drop.

"Ozy?" I realised I was crying and in public. I swallowed and
wiped at my eyes. I was letting it get to me again. I felt an arm go
around my shoulder.
"Oh sweetie, what's wrong?" It was Sarah, I tried to hold the
tears back, I tried to put on a brave face, but I just wanted this
all to end. I sagged into Sarah's arms and begun to sob
uncontrollably.
"Shhh... Sweetie, it's ok. Everything's ok. Come on now,
let's get out of here." Sarah led me to her car and helped me
into the passenger seat. I wiped at my eyes and stopped crying,
Sarah climbed into the driver seat. She opened the glove
compartment and took out a box of tissues.
"Here you go" She passed me the tissues, and I blew my nose.
Neither of us spoke, Sarah squeezed my hand gently.
"What's wrong? Please tell me." I looked at her and I saw the
warmth in her eyes, I realised how much I loved her. She was
the only person I felt I could trust.

"Sarah, I'm gay" She smiled at me.

"Um. I'm guessing you mean homosexual because you don't
seem too happy" I smiled, I felt so relieved to have told her. I
knew she wouldn't have freaked out, but I was glad she knew
now. She pulled me to her and hugged me briefly.
"Is that really why you're upset? Or is it Ryan?"

"Yeah, it is. But I'm umm... I'm in love with him. I wanted to
tell him that night, but he walked out on me. I just didn't think
he would, and now he hates me." I sniffed and Sarah squeezed
my hand again.

"No its ok, I'm sure Ryan had a reason and he doesn't hate
you, I guess you don't wanna hear that right now, so I'm not
gonna try and convince you. But whatever you feel is ok, don't
let other people tell you its not. I kinda guessed there was
something up, but didn't wanna push you into talking to me. If
there is anything you wanna talk about that you feel like you
can't talk to you're parents about, then you know that you can
talk to me. I'm not that good at talking to kids, so I will
understand if you don't wanna talk to me" She let go of my
hand, and looked out of the window. I turned to look at her.
She looked so vulnerable, so frail and dejected. I locked fingers
with hers.

"You're great with kids, seriously. You had a bad experience
with some misled kids. But there's nobody I'd rather talk to. I
just feel bad unloading my problems onto you when you have
so many problems of your own." Sarah turned to face me.

"I love you, you know that? You've always been my favourite
kid, your brother is a good guy and your sister has her moments,
but you've always been the sweet one. And now you're all
grown up and you're getting hurt and going through all these
problems and you won't let anyone help you. It hurts, having to
watch you hurt like this, all by yourself." I looked at Sarah, it
seemed like I was looking at her for the first time. She looked
back at me with her warm smile and compassionate eyes. She
hugged me and I hugged back, I could feel the tears starting
again.

"I love you too Sarah, I promise I'll talk to you about stuff, but
you have to promise me something also." Sarah pulled back
gently.

"And what would that be?"

"Promise me that you'll tell me about you're problems, as
well" Sarah smiled.

"Ok then, you have a deal, but my problems are just silly little
things."
I hugged her again.

"I don't care, I wanna hear about them, I love ya." The tears
started rolling down my face and we just held each other. After
a while, I pulled back embarrassed at crying. Sarah laughed at
me and I smiled in return.

"Lets get you home, and you better stop those tears before you
drown us both!" I smiled, I couldn't remember a day where I
had cried so much.

"I don't think I can cry anymore, I've done more than enough
of it. I wanna go home." Sarah started the car and pulled out of
the car park. I laid my head on the rest and watched the silver
rain drops slide down the window.

We arrived home I climed out of the car and approached the front
door. I turned and waved to Sarah. I wished she was coming with
me but she had to visit her mother. Sarah waved back and with that
she was gone. I turned to face the door and placed my key in the
lock, I opened the door and stepped in. The door to the study opened
and my dad stepped out.

"In here, now." He turned and walked into the room. I sighed.

"Here we go again," I said under my breath. Only this time it
was gonna be a lot harder to convince my father. But somehow
I knew he was gonna reject all the evidence that pointed to my
being gay, no matter how strong it was. I mean even if he
caught me having sex with a guy on the kitchen table, he'd
dismiss it as an experience or phase that I was going through.
He'd punish me, but he wouldn't accept that I was gay. He'd
rather kill me than that. I walked through the door and saw my
sister seated on the leather sofa. I looked away and said
nothing. I looked at my father who had the brown bag on the
table.

"I asked you to come straight home, you're more than 20
minutes late."

"Sorry, I was talking to Sarah, I didn't notice the time." I
looked up at my dad and he said nothing. He turned to my
sister.

"Give us a second sweetie, I need to talk to him alone." My
sister got up slowly, turned to look at me and left without a
word. My dad turned all of his attention to me again.
"What's this?" He lifted up the bag and emptied all of the
stories and floppy disks onto the table. I stared at my dad but
didn't say a word. What was there to say?
"Well?" I looked down, and still said nothing.
"I'll tell you what this is, this is the work of the devil. This is
for those people who are gonna burn in hell. Are you one of
those people?" He stared at me intensely. I had to say
something, but I couldn't.
"If you get involved with these things, you will end up with
those people. They are cursed, god hates them. You know the
Aids virus? Its created for those devil-people, they are human
trash and will be destroyed by god. Now are you one of those
people?" I stared blankly at my dad, I felt sorry for him. So
pathetic, how little he understood. But I realised that I couldn't
argue with him. So I did what was best.

"No dad, I'm not. The stuffs from before, I don't know what
was wrong with me then."

"God has said to us in the Koran that these people will  be
killed, you are my blood and it is my duty to educate you." I
really could have laughed then, educate me? That's a good one.
But I knew when to argue and when to lie. The only two
options I had in almost all of my conversations with my dad
were to argue my point or to lie and accept his. I chose to lie
90% of the time.

"I know dad, I'm sorry, I should have got rid of it all. I don't
believe in any of that stuff. It's all from before." My dad
paused and pondered that for a second.

"You were going through an experience, a phase." He seemed
to be talking to himself more than talking to me. Convincing
himself. I relaxed and laid back on the sofa.

"I'll get rid of the stuff, I'm through that phase. I should have
done it long ago. I'm sorry." My dad looked at me and then
nodded, satisfied.

"It is the poison of the soul.  I'm glad you understand. You're a
big boy now, you'll come across a lot of people who'll try and
tempt you into these things. You have to be careful."

"I know dad, I will."

"Ok, then, I'm glad we cleared this up" He got up and kissed
me on the forehead. "Go eat, and get some sleep." He turned
and left. I sat there for a minute and laughed quietly to myself.
He was so pathetic. I sighed, oh well, at least I didn't get any
punishment. I collected all the stuff off the table and placed all
of it into the bag. I picked up and headed out back.

Oustside it was incredibly cold, a single street lamp flickered
repeatedly, casting dancing shadows on the concrete floor. I somehow
remembered this "scene" from somewhere. I shivered, it had become so
chilly. I lifted the the lid of the trash can, I looked down into it
and hesitated for a second, I had to be more careful now; I got away
with it this time, but I didn't know how many more times I would.
I threw the bag into the trash can, pausing for a second before
slamming the lid back on.