Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2001 11:00:03 +0000 (GMT)
From: ozy <soul_catcher2000@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: being gay/chapter 5/yf

The telephone rung again.

"Brrring! Brrring!"

I raised my head up slowly. Damn it, where was everyone?
Why hadn't someone answered the bloody phone? I pulled
myself up and grumpily made my way to the phone, I reached
to pick it up and it stopped ringing, oh, bloody great! A minute
later my mum called up the stairs:

"Osman, telephone."

"Who is it?" I called back. My mum didn't answer; I shrugged
and picked the phone up and pressed the red button.

"Hello?" I waited for a few seconds and nobody replied;
probably wrong number or something, and then I heard his
breathing. I knew instantly who it was.

"Leave me the fuck alone." I was just about to hang up, and
then he spoke.

"Wait! Please, Oz?" My anger disappeared; I loved hearing
him call me that, his voice was so beautiful, so delicate and
childlike, yet still sexy and erotic. I wanted to hear him talk; I
wanted to sit there all day listening to his angelic voice. A
picture of him formed in my head, those deep blue eyes, them
sexy eyebrows forming Asian-like eyes, his wavy blonde hair
and of course that beautiful smile. A picture of us together
formed in my head, I was holding him. He was kinda small
compared to me, he stood at about 5'7 and I was about 6'0. I
always felt like I had to protect him.

"What do you want?" I asked him.

"Can we talk? Please?" He pleaded with me, he sounded so
sincere, like he really had an explanation that would justify his
actions. Yeah right, whatever he said wouldn't justify him
telling his dad.

"Leave me alone" I hung up and stood, stock-still for a few
minutes, waiting for the anger to disperse. It did, but was
replaced with sorrow; I wanted him to tell me that he loved me,
that he wanted me, I wanted to hear all that stuff from him and
I wanted to tell him that it didn't matter what he did, as long as
he was mine. But it did matter and he didn't love me. I grabbed
the remote of my hi-fi off the desk and pushed the volume-up
button until the music rose loud enough for me to stop
focusing. The heavy rock roared through the speakers, I
collapsed onto my bed and allowed the music to force all other
thoughts out of my head.

The door to my room flew open.

"Osman! For gods sakes!" My mum stepped over all the
littered clothes and magazines and hit the off switch. I flipped
over on the bed.

"What is it?" I asked lazily. My mum drew the curtains and
picked a few things off the floor.

"This room is such a tip, I want it cleaned up tonight! You got
that? And what have I told you about not playing you're music
so loud? Do you ever listen to anything I say?"

"No mum, not really" I smiled at her. She threw her arms up in
exasperation.

"What am I gonna do with you?" I laughed.

"I'll tidy it up, I promise. I'll do it right now." I jumped off the
bed and placed a kiss on my mum's cheek. She looked up at
me. "I'm sorry, I listen to everything you say, really I do. I just
tend to forget things." She laughed, before sighing again.

"Me and your father are going to see your aunt. We're not
gonna be back till late, so you'll have to manage dinner own
your own, unless you want me to ask Sarah round?"

"No, I'll be ok. You can go now" I smiled at her, and she
smiled back.

"Ok then. You don't have to clean this room up right now but I
better go, so be good sweetie, bubye now." She turned and
walked out of the room, tripping over a shoe on her way out.
She cursed under her breath and shot a glance at me. I smiled
in return and she shook her head in disapproval before walking
away. I started tidying the room up; I grabbed all the clothes
off the floor and flung them into a corner, I swept all the books
and stationery using my foot into another corner. There, all
done. I stood back and admired my work. The room really was
a tip; I had three distinct piles in the corners of the room. I
laughed too myself, I could label each pile - clothes, books,
and miscellaneous. Maybe I should clean the room up properly.
I decided it'd be a good idea, it'd help take my mind off things
and so I set about rearranging and perfecting my room.

An hour and 30 minutes later I was totally out of breath, I fell
back onto my bed and admired the room; it really was clean. I
sat there for five minutes bathing in the satisfaction that I had
actually done some work, I hated work. I lay back on the bed
relaxing, and then I heard a sound, I looked towards the door
and got up. The door to my room slowly opened.

"Ryan" I whispered. And then he stepped in to the room. I
jumped off the bed and we both stared at each other intensely.
What was he doing here? He was so beautiful; he wore a
bright, white, full sleeved v-necked top and silver combats, he
looked so hot. I wanted to kiss him. It all begun to flood back
again, that night when I had told him, how beautiful he had
looked then and how much I had wanted to kiss him. And
then. he had told his dad. I came back to the present.

"What are you." Ryan cut me off by grabbing me in a tight
embrace, he reached up and pulled me to him. He kissed me. I
took a few seconds and then kissed back. It felt so weird, so
intense and forceful. And then I realised what he was doing, he
thought he could make everything right like this, I shoved him
away. He fell back two steps and recovered his balance. He
stared at me, there were tears in his eyes.

"Oz." The two letter word, my heart melted. Ryan attacked
again, stronger this time, he grabbed me and kissed me on the
lips. I expected it to be rough and forceful, but it was soft and
sweet, I savoured his taste. I became lost in the warmth, my
defences crumbled and I let go. It felt so good; to just let go of
everything, the anxiety, the stress and the anger. And
everything seemed to make sense, I loved him; I could feel his
love, it seemed to radiate strongly from him. Every nerve in my
body seemed to be stimulated and I could feel the familiar
tingle I got whenever he touched me. Except this time it was
magnified a million times, it felt so powerful. The walls around
me crumbled and disintegrated into nothing, nothing else
existed; there was only Ryan. Ryan moaned into my mouth and
my hands went around him pulling him to me, I kissed him
deeper. We finally stopped and pulled back for air, our eyes
were locked in an intense gaze and I could see Ryan's chest
rising and falling, it was so erotic. And then, he turned and
walked out of the room. I froze, I stopped breathing, he was
gone. He reappeared again. What the hell was going on? He
came up to me and put his arms around my neck kissing me
carefully on the lips. He directed me to the bed. We sat at the
edge of the bed; I was still in shock.
"Just making sure no-one was hanging around." He said, and I
started breathing easy again. He smiled at me.

"I missed you Oz." I glared at him.

"Why? Why did you do it?" I asked. His smile faded slightly
and he looked down, he took my hand in his and began to idly
stroke it. I couldn't take my eyes off his face, he was an angel.

"I love you Oz. I'm so sorry. I guess I was scared."

"Scared?"

"I know its wrong, but I can't help but feel it."

"What? What's wrong? Feel what?" He looked directly at me,
and I could see it in his eyes, the warmth, the passion. the
love.

"I love you Oz, more than anyone in the world, I love you
more than a friend, I love you more than a brother. But." He
paused for a second and then spoke again.
"I'm not gay. Its not right Oz."

"What?" I was struck dumb; I only had a few words left in my
vocabulary. He loved me? It wasn't right? Huh?

"Please Oz. Just listen. I don't know how to express this to
you, but I have a story.

"Umm. Ok." Could this get any weirder?

"Ok. umm... About 3 years ago when we were both about 14
we took a trip to the Lake District. Just you and me, remember
that?"

"Huh? Umm. Yeah, I remember," I thought back to that trip.

"It had been the first time we'd ever been away from home on
our own for more than a day. That night we had slept out in the
open. It had been so cold that your face had become pale and
you're lips had begun to crack. You fell asleep within 5
minutes; I lay there watching you sleep, I'd done it lots of
times before. Your curly hair was so perfect, it was kinda wet
and shiny, and it looked so perfect on you. Your eyes were so
beautiful as well, even with your eyes closed, I could picture
those bright brown orbs, the way you used to look at me. But
this time as I watched you I knew there was something wrong,
your breathing was short and sharp, you seemed to be hurting.
And you know what I felt right then? What I wanted to do so
badly? I wanted to climb in with you and take you into my
arms. I wanted to hug you and care for you, to take the pain
away and share it. And you know what I wanted more than
anything else? I wanted to kiss you. You were mine, and I
couldn't stop myself. I kissed you that day and I knew that I
was in love with you." Ryan paused for a minute wiping at his
eye. I stared at him silently, and then I took both his hands and
kissed them softly, pressing them to my warm face and mouth.
The room had suddenly become chilly again, and I
remembered the feeling from that day, I hadn't even noticed
the cold, there had only been Ryan.
Ryan shivered and I felt it in his hands, I shifted position on the
bed so I could sit directly to the side of him. I pulled him to me
and he laid his head on my chest, snuggling up to me. I ran my
hand through his beautiful hair. We sat there for a minute in
this perfect moment, the room had warmed significantly, he did
that - Ryan, he controlled my world. I smiled and he turned
and looked at me matching my smile. I kissed him. He lay his
head on my chest again, letting our heat combine. He spoke.

"I hated myself from that day onwards." He raised his head and
looked at me, my smile faded. I looked at him curiously.
"I couldn't help but feel I was sick, it was wrong, you were my
best friend. Closer than a brother to me, and I was getting
thrills from kissing you when you were asleep." He paused
again, I squeezed gently on his hand, he let go of my hand.
"And, the worst thing was, I knew you wouldn't have hated
me. You would have shrugged it off; it wouldn't have mattered
to you, and so. I hated myself. My dad told me all about the
"phase", all guys go through it, he said, and he was right. I
convinced myself that I wasn't attracted to you and that I
wasn't in love with you. Actually I tried to convince myself,
the attraction thing kinda worked, I'd just think about girls and
stuff. But I could never stop loving you. No matter how hard I
tried, I always loved you."

"Umm. ok. Look, Ryan, it's ok. I'm not gonna tell you
what to feel. Whatever you feel is ok. Nobody can dictate
you're feelings to you. I can't tell you what to do or what not to
do. You have to live with those feelings, and do what you think
is right."

"I know, except maybe you can tell me what to do. See I love
you more than any other person, I can't think of a single person
I'd rather be with, at any minute of the day. Is it right for me to
do this?" Ryan reached up and kissed me softly, he pulled back
and looked into my eyes. I smiled.

"No, you faggot!" Ryan laughed out loud.

"Ok, I get you're point, but we're best friends. I feel weird and
guilty imposing on that. It just doesn't feel right."

"Act on you're feelings. Whatever you feel without restriction,
is what you should act upon. It really is that simple" Ryan
smiled.

"You make everything sound so simple, is there anything that
isn't simple to you?"

"Well umm. my maths homework is a little hard, but you're
here now, so. nope." He smiled again.

"I missed you. I've been trying to think things through, before
talking to you. But nothing seemed to make sense and I just
ended up depressed and confused. I'm sorry Oz" He looked up
at me with his beautiful eyes.

"Yeah, and so you should be! I don't think there was a single
day I didn't cry" He looked up at me smiling at first.

"You always were a cry-baby" I punched him in the arm, and
he laughed. He got serious again.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know what to do. I thought dad could help
you. You know? He always liked you, said you were his
favourite nephew, he's integrated you into the family. Did you
know that? He puts you before his blood family. Puts you
before me, sometimes. But it doesn't matter, since I put you
before every single being on the planet." He smiled at me.

"Yeah, I guess I am pretty superior." I laughed, and kissed him
on his forehead.
"Funny how you said this planet. I need to know something.
You in love with an alien?" He smirked. It was funny how I
could be so enraged one minute and joking like nothing ever
happened the next. Ryan made me feel like that.

"Yeah, You. You're my alien" He kissed me again, and pulled
away sharply.
"Dammit" he looked at the time.
"Gotta go Oz, my aunts coming over and I wanna see her
before she leaves. I couldn't hide my disappointment.

"What? Now? Do you have to?"

"Yeah Oz, I'm really sorry, but umm." He gave me a sweet
kiss on the lips.
"I'll make it up to you." I smiled back at him.

"Oh, ok then. Can we talk later?"

"Yeah sure. Hey how about you sleep over? My parents are
gonna be gone with my aunt. We'll have the whole night alone
and the house to ourselves." He smiled at me wickedly; I
punched him in the shoulder again. He pulled his jacket on,
weird. I didn't remember him taking it off. He seemed to read
my thoughts.

"Yeah, remember getting carried away in the heat of the
moment?" He laughed again, glancing at the time.
"Well, I better go. I'll call you as soon as I get back." He
paused for a second and then walked up to me giving me a
quick peck on the cheek.
"I'm sorry about everything, cya later Oz." He turned to leave.

"You're gonna have to be a lot more sorry than that." He
turned back to me and smiled. He slowly placed his arms
around me and pulled me down to him, kissing me deeply on
the lips.

"Better?" He smiled warmly at me.

"Lots" I replied, returning the smile. He gave me another quick
peck on the cheek and dashed out.

"Bye!"

I suddenly felt alone again, the emptiness returned. I needed
him. I couldn't stop thinking about him.

My feet began to hurt, I realised that I had been standing in the
same position where Ryan had kissed me for at least 10
minutes. I glanced at myself in the mirror; I still had a smile
plastered on my face. I laughed to myself, I felt like a child. It
felt good to be complete again, everything was "right". I shook
my head in disbelief, reviewing the day's events. Everything
had changed in a matter of minutes. Well, maybe not
everything, but I had Ryan back. We were best friends again,
and that made everything else seem insignificant. I yawned.
Man, I felt tired. I lay on the bed thinking about Ryan and our
sleepover. I used to take those little things for granted before,
and I found myself, as being not too surprised that everything
was "right". This was the way it was supposed to be. I had
missed the little things so much; but knew I'd take them for
granted all over again. Oh well, I felt good. I slowly drifted
into a peaceful sleep, and began to dream.

Ryan was in my dream again, but this time he wasn't down on
the street. He was up here with me. Up in the clouds. We
kissed and begun to waltz, floating through the white silky
puffs, locked in each other's arms. From far away I could hear
the music play, the mountains down below were alive with
music. weird.

I opened my eyes. the music. It had stopped. I felt a hand
glide over my face. I turned and looked directly into the face of
the angel. He smiled at me.

"Hey there." I smiled back and took his hand into mine.

"Hey" He leaned down and kissed me softly. I pulled him to
me. He smiled and lay down beside me. He hugged me to him
and I lay my head back and sighed. It was so great.

"Come-on, lets get going. You're parents are back." I turned
around to face him, he got up slowly.
"Come-on! Up!"

"I'm too tired" Ryan smiled at me. I got up and yawned, I
could faintly remember dancing in the clouds. weird. I
laughed.

"What's so funny?" Ryan came and sat on my lap bringing us
face to face. He put his arms around my neck.

"Nothing." I smiled sweetly at him. He kissed me and let go of
me.

"Let's go." He got up and ran down the stairs. I climbed off the
bed and travelled to the wardrobe. I looked at myself in the
mirror, I still had a smile on my face. My black curly hair
seemed to thrive and separate into separate curls, my brown
eyes were shining, I had never felt so alive! For the first time in
what seemed like ages, I felt good about myself, I felt good
about my looks. I had Ryan, my beautiful angel and that was
all that mattered to me. I splashed some water on my face and
looked into the mirror again, the smile was still there. I laughed
out loud, I felt like a child.

An hour later we were both in Ryan's living room, we had the
house to ourselves. I held Ryan in my arms, he laid the back of
his head on my chest and I nuzzled his hair with my face, he
sighed with pleasure. His hair smelt like strawberries, it was so
erotic. Everything about this guy was erotic!
We were watching Stand by me, one of my favourite movies.
The best part of the movie came up, and I found myself
repeating the words of the cute boy with a gun.

"Suck my cock, you cheap dime store hood." Ryan looked up at
me with a wicked smile on his face. I blushed and he laughed,
turning back to the movie.

When the movie was over he yawned and turned over leaning
into me gently. He began to stroke my hair idly.

"Lets go to bed" He looked tenderly up at me, I kissed him and
he smiled again. He got up slowly and took my hand, lifting me
gently to my feet. He led me up the stairs to his room, I
suddenly became anxious. Ryan turned at the top of the stairs
and pulled me to him. He kissed me deeply placing his tongue
into my mouth. This was all new to both of us, but it seemed so
right. I kissed back and melted into his arms. The kiss ended
and Ryan stared deep into my eyes.
"I love you oz. I love u so much,"

"I love you more" I replied, pulling him into another kiss. He
pushed me against the wall and I kissed him more passionately.
My tongue was exploring his mouth and he moaned into me.
His mouth was so warm so exciting, so hot! Ryan pulled away.

"Lets go into the bedroom, its more comfortable." He took
my hand again and led me into the room.
Closing the door behind us he removed his sweatshirt. I
kissed him deeply, my hands went under his T-shirt and I
began to caress his silky soft skin.
"Mmmm." He moaned more, almost as if he were drugged.
We slowly, in a series of moves, which could have formed a
dance, moved towards the bed. Ryan pulled me gently onto the
bed with him. He started to deep kiss me and slowly rolled
over on top of me. My arms went around him and I caressed
his back. He began to grind into me slowly, erotically and
passionately, never stopping the kisses. Our bodies rubbed
against each other, the friction increasing, creating an erotic
heat. I slipped my hands under his shirt and pulled it over his
head. Pushing him gently onto his back, I moved back and
pulled my shirt over my head. Ryan clasped his hands around
me and pulled me to his warm mouth. I begin to grind into him
more, giving him more and more wet kisses. It seemed so
natural. I moved to his ear kissing him all the way, I kissed and
nibbled on his ear, he sighed and his cute smile appeared on his
face, making me go wild. He ran his arms up and down my
neck and back and then firmly caressed my buttocks. I couldn't
think of anything except him, how much this guy meant to me,
how I loved him so much and how great he is!
Ryan pulled me out of my thoughts by pushing me off him; he
pushed me onto my back snapping my neck back onto the
pillow.

"Easy tiger." He smiled at me and began to kiss my neck, he
kissed his way down my body until he reached the zipper on
my jeans. He slowly unbuttoned me and then pulled the zip
down using his teeth. I couldn't help but laugh at him, Ryan
stopped and blushed beautifully; he grinned bashfully before
continuing.
He gently tugged at my jeans and yanked them off, and then
reached for my boxers. He hesitated and then stopped.

"What is it babe?"

"I umm... I don't know how to do this, I umm. don't think I
can." He looked up at me embarrassed. I smiled and reached
down, lifting his face to meet mine. I kissed him gently and he
smiled at me.

"It's ok. We don't have to do it, you know? It's not that
important. I love you." I kissed him and he relaxed.

"I love you too." He replied kissing me again. I turned around
positioning Ryan away from me and wrapped my arms around
him. He shivered slightly. I reached down and pulled the
covers over us, Ryan snuggled up to me again.

"Sweet dreams, babe" I kissed his hair and he shifted slightly,
murmuring sweetly.
"Love you"
I relaxed, drifting off too sleep within a matter of minutes.
Sleep came so easy with the blanket of love and all its security
and warmth surrounding me. I finally felt whole again.