Date: Wed, 2 May 2001 11:22:29 +0100 (BST)
From: "[iso-8859-1] ozy" <soul_catcher2000@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: being gay/chapter 7

Being Gay
Disclaimer and Warning: The following story contains
content of a homosexual nature. It is not intended
for those under the legal age.  If you are offended by
homosexual acts, or it is illegal in your area to
view such material, then stop reading and leave! I'm
not sure how old u have to be to be over the legal age.
I'm 17 so don't let it bother u too much.

Note: This story is the property of the writer any
copying in part or in whole of this document is prohibited,
and will result in termination of a life force.

BTW This story is based on real life events. It's true
except for the little details and time structure.

www.gayfreezone.homestead.com - check out this site. Its
mainly for gay youth, but everyone's welcome to check it out.
Sign the guestbook and leave a message on the board. Thx.
Ozy

This is the last chapter of the story.
Emails can be sent to Ozy at:
soul_catcher2000@yahoo.co.uk


Chapter 7

Nothing had happened. It had been a week since we had been
seen kissing in the music store; Cath mustn't have bothered
telling anyone. I had almost forgotten about the whole
situation.

Ryan had been spending a lot of time with his ex-girlfriend and
I hadn't seen much of him. Huh, Lena. pretty, smart, sexy,
ex-girlfriend Lena. What did she have that I didn't? Breasts?
Well I could get breasts. Hmm. maybe Ryan would like me
better if I had big knockers. I laughed. Yep, I'd finally gone
insane.
It was Saturday again, and I sat in my room feeling lonely and
depressed. Things were right, but it still felt so bad. I couldn't
think of anything to do, I was so bored. I played my Sarah
Mchlachlan CD and lay back onto the bed. All I could think of
was Ryan and that stupid bitch. it was driving me crazy. I
needed to get out of here. I jumped up and grabbed my jacket;
I'd go see Sarah.

Half an hour later we were sitting by the open fire, playing
scrabble. One word: Damn.

"B O R E N G. 6 letter word, and triple points. I win." I
said. Sarah looked up at me with a smile on her face.

"That's cheating." She said. I collapsed back onto the foot of
the sofa.

"Oh, forget this stupid game. Lets go somewhere, I'm gonna
die of boredom if we stay here." Sarah seemed to be amused by
this.

"Ok. Where'd u wanna go?" She asked

"I don't know. anywhere." I replied

"Hey, lets go Liverpool, we'll hang out at the docks. It'll be
just like old times." That sounded kinda interesting, I always
loved the docks. They were so cool when I was younger, then
again just about everything was cool when I was younger. But
it wasn't like I had anything better to do.

"Ok. let's go to the docks." We got up and headed out.

10 minutes later we were in the car and heading to Liverpool, it
was just under an hour's drive. It'd be a while before we got
there.

I thrashed my arms around wildly; I could taste the saltiness of
the seawater. I gagged as it travelled up my nose.
"Ryan! Help me! RY..."
I gulped another load of seawater, a sharp pain streaked
through my head and my neck snapped back violently. My
eyes stung with the salty water, the panic had taken over long
ago. I flailed madly, grasping for something, anything that
could get me out. I didn't want to die, I prayed to god, don't let
me die. It was hopeless; blood trickled out of my nose merging
with the water forming a blurry cloud of redness. My neck
slowly rolled back and lay limp, my eyes begun to close.  I
stared up through the slits of my semi-closed eyes into the
heavens above, I could see sunlight distinctly above, the
sunshine slowly faded and the darkness took over. I sunk
slowly. falling. Falling into an eternal sleep.

"Sweetie wake up. Come on Oz." I opened my eyes.

"Sarah" I said. She looked at me.

"Are you ok?" She asked. I stared at her.

"Why didn't he help me Sarah?" I asked.
"Why?" I asked again, I begun to cry, hadn't he heard me?
Sarah looked at me strangely at first and then took me into her
arms.
"Why? Why'd he go, Sarah? Does he love her more than me?"
I couldn't stop the tears; I'd sunk into the deep black void
again.

"Shh. just a dream. it wasn't real." She gently rocked me
like a child.
"Shh. it's ok. Who's making you upset?" I pulled back and
wiped at my eyes.

"Ryan. He's breaking my heart. I feel like I'm gonna die, I
wish it'd all just stop." I collapsed into uncontrollable sobs
again. Sarah looked at me with sympathy in her eyes.

"Its ok." She pulled me to her again. We sat there for a while,
me crying on Sarah's shoulder with her making soothing
shh'ing sounds. After a few minutes Sarah spoke.

"I'll get you through this, I promise everything will be ok." She
paused.
"Ryan loves you, but. you have to consider letting him go." I
swallowed the tears back, and sniffed.

"I know, I have.  I can't. I feel like I'm drowning and Ryan's
the only one who can save me. But he doesn't even fucking
care."

"Now stop that. You're above that. You can't hold that against
him. We're not all made perfect for each other you know?
Sweetheart you're too soft, you love so easy. It makes you
vulnerable to the pain. We're all looking for that perfect love,
but. have you considered that maybe its not Ryan?" I looked
at her. Ryan was my world; he was everything to me. He'd
always been everything to me. He was everything I wasn't; he
made me feel like I had everything when I was with him. I
needed him, how could I let him go? He had to be the one.

"But he has to be. I love him. I need him. Sarah, I'll die
without him." Sarah stroked my face gently with her hand.

"Its gonna be hard, but we have to sometimes let go of the ones
we love. It's hard, and it hurts like hell. But we have to let go.
Sweetie, I wish there were something I could do. But there
isn't. This all depends on you, I'll be here for you, but you'll
have to make the decision." She hugged me tightly, and I
sniffed. I choked the tears back and let her hold me. I finally
pulled away and wiped at my eyes.

"You're right, thanks Sarah. I guess it is upto me. If he's
happier with someone else I'll let him go." Sarah brushed her
hand over my hair.

"It's what's best sweetheart. We'll get through this." I hugged
her and kissed her on the cheek.

"Yeah. Can we go home now? I don't wanna stay around
here." Sarah nodded in agreement. I looked out of the window
down at the water, I could almost taste its saltiness, almost feel
it travelling up my nose, I shivered and hugged myself. Sarah
pulled away and we headed home.

He kissed me, I kissed back. We fell back onto the bed our
hands roaming all over each other's body. His bright eyes
glistened in the pale darkness and his breathing was deep and
shallow. With one swift movement he pulled my shirt over my
head and kissed me long and deep, his hands caressing my
chest. Staring deep into my eyes he kissed me again and again,
finally moving down to suck lightly on my neck. He began to
gently tweak my nipples with his hands, causing them to
become erect and making me moan and tremble. He moved
down further - kissing, caressing, sucking gently, leaving a wet
trail as he went. He stopped when he reached his destination.
Unbuttoning my jeans he slowly pulled my underwear down.
Taking a deep breath he took my organ in his hand and stroked
and kissed it gently making me quiver. He stopped and began
to caress my thighs placing small kisses all over me. He
nuzzled my crotch causing a warm tickling sensation to spread
throughout my body. I trembled slightly and gently caressed
his hair. He moved back up again to meet my face and kissed
me deeply, I kissed back running my hand up and down his
back. He reached down again and began to stroke me.
I moaned into his mouth.

I lay with my arm around Ryan's sleeping body, moonlight
shone down onto us, casting flickering shadows of light onto
our bodies. Ryan's toned figure glistened in the shafts of
moonlight, he looked sensual - Michaelangelo's David. But it
was there, the presence of that thought. It kept tugging at my
mind and at my heart. I looked down at Ryan; he was beautiful,
was it because he was so beautiful that I was so obsessed?
Maybe it was. but I felt like it went deeper than that, he was
perfect, flawless, he was my god. I didn't even deserve to be in
his presence, let alone be his lover. I sighed deeply and
continued to ponder how such a great being could be here with
me. Ryan shifted gently, murmuring softly in his sleep. I was
sure I heard him say my name, and then he awoke. He looked
at me; his eyes glistened in the shafts of moonlight. He looked
so peaceful.

"Ozy." He spoke so softly, his voice floated to my ears. I
smiled.

"Hey." I replied. He lifted himself up and blinked a few times,
he looked at me curiously still half asleep.

"Can't sleep?" He asked. I smiled slightly.

"Just not very sleepy" I replied. He put his arm around me and
pulled me gently to him. I snuggled into him. He was so
beautiful, the thought of losing him was too much. A tear
slipped from the corner of my eye and trickled down my face. I
turned away, noticing our reflection in the mirror, the
moonlight illuminated Ryan's face - just as in the dream
everything was so perfectly formed and defined. Beautiful was
too lame a word to describe him, it was an insult to this perfect
being. I had no word to describe him. I looked at my own
reflection and realised how plain I was compared to him. I
didn't deserve him. Ryan looked at me curiously.
"Oz." I turned and looked at him, still not speaking.
"What's wrong?" He asked. Everything I thought everything
and nothing.

"Nothing, go back to sleep." I said. I got out of the bed and
slowly walked to the door, I could feel Ryan's eyes on me. I
wiped the tear forming in the corner of my eye, and turned
around pausing to look at Ryan, forcing a smile, he looked at
me with concern on his face. I turned away and left, closing the
door behind me. I paused at the landing wiping the tears, which
were forming in the corner of my eyes. Moonlight peeped
through the bathroom window, its beams shone directly onto
my face highlighting it, I begun to cry. I couldn't do it, I wasn't
strong enough. I heard the door open behind me and quickly
moved towards the bathroom.

"Oz." He spoke so softly. I paused and swallowed, wiping at
my eyes. He took a step towards me.

"I'm just gonna shower, I'm not so sleepy." I said quickly. I
closed the bathroom door behind me, leaving Ryan alone on
the dark landing. I paused for a second and then slipped into
the shower. I switched the water on turning the dial as far as it
would go. The water begun to heat up and soon my skin felt
like it was burning, but I didn't care. I felt wrong, I needed this.
I closed my eyes and let the water wash over me, I sighed and
tried to relax. I tried to force all the hurt out, but I couldn't - it
hurt too much. I felt a cold hand on my shoulder and jumped
slightly. Opening my eyes I whirled around to come face to
face with Ryan. He looked deep into my eyes making no move;
I remained rooted to the spot. The water continued to beat
down over us, soaking us both completely. Ryan's hair begun
to stick to his face and then I noticed the love in Ryan's eyes -
always there, it never seemed to dim. I realised that he'd do
this for me, he'd be my boyfriend if it made me happy
regardless of what he wanted. I swallowed deeply. I knew what
I had to do, and I knew right there and then what would
happen. I turned my face away, it was too hard. His hand
gently touched me as he tilted my face to look directly into his
eyes, he looked hurt. I wanted to kiss him, and then he kissed
me. Lightly, softly, he pressed his lips against mine and leaned
gently into me. I kissed back, and kissed him again and again.
His arms went around me and I pulled his delicate figure closer
to me, I could feel his warm and wet body against mine,
knowing with each second that passed by that I would never
feel this again. the tears began to fall. I wondered if he'd
know I was crying with all the water, but then I sensed his
tears. I pulled back and looked at him and he looked away, but
not before I noticed the tears. I lifted his face to meet mine; my
vision had become slightly blurred with the tears and I wiped at
my eyes. The water was still beating down on us and Ryan
stared intensely into my eyes, a tear slipped down his face.

"Oz." He said.
"I love you." He begun to cry. As the tears begun to fall I
pulled him to me and hugged him tightly, he hugged back
locking us in a tight embrace. Water trickled down our soaking
wet bodies. I switched the water off; remaining locked in
Ryan's arms. He gently pulled back and I let go of him. He
looked up at me meeting my eyes.

"I love you, please let go." He said. I was confused, but then I
realised two things at the same time. I understood what he
meant, yet at the same time I realised I couldn't - I couldn't let
go without letting go of him. I knew it was gonna happen.

"I love you too." I kissed him gently on the forehead, and
turned away. I slid the door open and stepped out, Ryan
grabbed my hand and I turned to face him.

"Please Oz?" He pleaded. The tears began to form again. I
turned away pulling my hand out of his. I grabbed a towel and
began to dry myself off. I could feel Ryans eyes on me, I felt
him as he brushed past me, I could feel his frustration and pain.
I turned and grabbed his hand, turning him to face me. He had
tears in his eyes. I nodded my head.

"Don't cry. Please?" I pleaded with him. He wiped at his eye.

"Why Oz? Why can't you be happy? We're together; its what
you want isn't it? I love you."

"Its not." I replied.

"What?" He asked.

"I don't want that." I replied, without a trace of emotion in my
voice. Ryan looked at me, he was hurt. I wanted to cry, but I
had to do this. He tried to speak but the words stuck in his
throat. He began to cry silently. I had to say something.
"I can't, we can't do this. Please understand. You know I love
you more than anyone ever has. But it's not what you want; it's
not what you really want. It's better if we accept that." Ryan
stared at me, he was angry.

"Who the hell are you to tell me what I want? Huh? Let me
decide what I " I cut him off by grabbing him and pulling him
to me. I looked deep into his eyes and kissed him gently on the
forehead.

"Why Oz? Wh.." I placed a finger on his lips and he stared up
at me intensely.

"Shh, Stop trying and open you're eyes." I said, despite all the
pain, I knew I was gonna make it. I smiled.
"Its there, just accept it, I already have. I love you more than
you'll ever know, and I know you love me. But this isn't the
way it should be." His anger was gone, I knew he understood.
He looked at me curiously. He kissed me gently.

"I.I wanna." He paused not knowing what to say. I wrapped
him in my arms.

"Its ok. Don't say anything. We're best friends, I can live with
that. I want that, I miss being able to relax totally around you."
Ryan smiled.

"Me too, I miss that." He hugged me and I hugged him back.
The lights came on automatically and we broke out of the
embrace. We were both smiling, a devilish smile appeared on
Ryan's face. He was gonna crack a joke, he did that when it
hurt. I smiled before it came and he acknowledged it with a sad
smile.

"We can still have sex though, right?" He said. The smile on
his face slowly fading. I hit him.

"Still?" I enquired with a raised eyebrow. He smiled and then
grabbed me in a hug.

"I'm sorry Oz, are you happy? I mean."

"Yeah, more happier than I've ever been. Its right, you know?
Like its supposed to be like this." Ryan relaxed and then kissed
me long and deep. He blushed slightly.

"I had to do that one last time." He said. I laughed.

"Yep, you're definitely a fag." I said, knowing full well that he
wasn't, but that was ok.

"I'm sorry Oz. But not that sorry, I kinda like being gay."

THE END. . I made this!

Ok, that's the end of this here story. I didn't really enjoy
writing most of it, and well I didn't wanna write about the
messy details. Sorry to everyone, who wanted me to write like
20 odd chapters or so, I couldn't... sorry. Some of this chapter
was fiction. thx to everyone who wrote me, I appreciate it.

Emails can be sent to Ozy at:
Soul_catcher2000@yahoo.co.uk

Our group (Guys I will be back. I promise - if not in this lifetime,
then maybe in the next. ;-)) has a website here:
www.gayfreezone.homestead.com - Its mainly to help gay youth,
adults are free to become involved and everyone's welcome to
check it out. Sign the guestbook and leave a message on
the board. Thx.
Ozy