Date: Sat, 22 May 1999 00:11:33 -0500 (CDT)
From: comicality@webtv.net
Subject: "Beneath The Surface" (Gay Male/Young Friends)

I've got a brand new one for you guys! The writing bug seems to be
sticking with me all of the sudden! Give me any comments or questions
you may have at comicality@webtv.net or drop by the website at
http://www.comicality.net (Don't forget to sign the guestbook!)
-
"Beneath the Surface"
-
Same old thing, day after day. Same old face, same old body, same old
schedule, same old squeaky voice. I know they said that puberty makes
you a little self conscious and critical, but this was downright
ridiculous. This was not just in my mind, this was not a daydream
brought to you by the 'Dream Factory of Jon' (that's me). I was ugly,
pure and simple. Nobody is going to fool me into thinking anything
different. I was willing to live with it, I was willing to just get by
on charm alone, and if people couldn't look past my flaws, then the hell
with them. I mean, I didn't turn the girls' heads the way my other
friends did. Hell, even little Mikey got a girlfriend before me, and
he's 2 years younger than me. At 13 years old, I should be past the
stage of having my mother tell me I'm beautiful, but since she was one
of the only people who ever really said it, it was nice to hear once in
a while. The phrase 'a face only a mother could love' comes to mind.
Nobody ever called me ugly, but they had to be thinking it. I mean why
didn't I get invited to the big parties, why didn't the girls giggle
when I walked past them in the halls, why wasn't I the popular one with
a shitload of friends following me everywhere I went? I've scanned the
whole school looking for someone who might be a good match for me, a
mate, a friend...hell, even having a bully beat me up for my lunch money
everyday would at least get me some attention from SOMEBODY. I can't
change it now, so I might as well get on with the rest of my existence,
lonely an existence as it may be.
I tend to avoid the mirror in the mornings when I wash up, but every
once in a while I check to see if maybe, just maybe, I'll be happy with
the reflection being shot back at me. I never am. Wild, dark brown hair
that seems stuck in a perpetual bad hair day, flops over my dark brown
eyes. Dull eyes. Thin lips, perhaps too thin, even when I pucker them
out to try to make them look bigger. A small dash of freckles sprinkled
across the bridge of my nose...once summer gets here, they'll stick out
like crazy. I can't really tell if I'm slim or not, probably not. Who am
I fooling, I'm probably getting fat. Yep, if I pinch really hard, I can
almost get a whole inch of skin on my sides. I think my nipples are
crooked too. They don't look right. What kind of cruel joke is the Man
upstairs playing on me to give me crooked nipples??? Sigh...maybe I'll
just settle down with a nice blind girl and live happily ever after.
I'll just tell her I look like Brad Renfro...not that she'll know what
Brad Renfro looks like...but she'll know that it's better than me. And
why am I staring in the mirror anyway today? I've gotta get to school.
I always hated 'transition week'. You know, that first week after you
get that report card and a new part of the semester starts? All your
classes get changed and shifted around so all the friends you've made
during the whole period are in different classes. I think the faculty
does that on purpose to keep students from becoming too good a friends.
Because they know if we all bonded together, we'd take over the joint!
Besides, the first week after report cards are dished out, most of my
friends are grounded or doing house chores after school anyway, so I
could just go home and wallow in my ugliness for a while and gather up
enough strength to come back to school the next day. So there I was just
sitting in some dumb science class, hoping to see a familiar face walk
through the door, and soon realized that whoever that might have been,
they weren't coming. What's worse, it seemed like everybody else knew
each other already. This was obviously not going to be my best class.
Just before the bell rang, one last kid walked into the room. Someone I
had never seen before in my life, one of those pretty boys from up north
no doubt. One of those suburban kids where everybody has a white pickett
fence, a full wardrobe of name brand clothes, and a two car garage with
a basketball hoop on the outside. One of those kids who gets together
with his family on Christmas to roast chestnuts over burning hundred
dollar bills. I could feel my stomach turn as the entire class got quiet
and every eye turned to watch him walk in. Girls, guys, everybody. It
was sickening. The guy was absolutely flawless. The most beautiful
liquid golden blond hair ever created, hanging down to his jaw. Smooth
creamy skin that looked like a warm puddle of milk, he just had to be
easy to bruise, he looked so damn delicate. He had these slightly
slanted ocean blue eyes that could easily invade your thoughts with
their gaze, and lips that were so perfect that they competed with his
eyes for attention. Slender hips with sensual curves in all the right
places, broad shoulders, flat stomach...God....I hated him already. So
naturally, and I could hear fate laughing hystericaly at me when it
happened, he comes and sits in the seat right next to me! So now we're
sharing a table too? Beauty and the beast. Great, just great. And let me
guess, he's the friendly type too right?
"Hey...what's up?" He says. I KNEW it. Sigh...alright, it looks like
he's about to become the most popular kid in school the way people are
staring at him, so it's best for me to get on his good side. The last
thing I want is the future student council president ordering the
football team to kick my ass.
"Hey yourself." I said, and looked back towards the front of the room.
That was polite enough, wasn't it? He didn't say much more, he just
started digging around in his bag and kept quiet for the rest of the
class. I guess I could have been a little nicer, it's not his fault he
looks like some kind of teen supermodel. But there was just this
'certain something' inside of me that always hated boys like that. Maybe
it was just jealousy. I mean, with his looks, it seemed like the whole
world was in the palm of his hands already. He could have all the pretty
girls he wanted. He'd probably lose his virginity by the end of the
year, if he hasn't already. Probably to a teacher too! He would probably
get a high paying job that was just GIVEN to him for being so hot, and
then he'd catch the eye of his boss, male, female, whatever, and he'd
get promotions and raises for little of nothing. Then he'd sleep with
the boss and become vice president of the company. Sex AND a
promotion...how great is that? He'd have a pretty wife, beautiful kids,
money, power, fame...anything he wanted. I bet HE didn't have crooked
nipples. Why do the other kids keep staring at him like that? Why
couldn't he have sat down somewhere else? They're all so obvious about
it too, soon they'll be asking me to pass notes! Arrrgh! What a life!
As soon as class was over, a few of the guys in the room walked over to
introduce themselves. Well, looks like he gets instant friends too,
another thing to hate about him. And they whisked him away, but not
before he said goodbye. "See you tomorrow?" He said.
"Whatever, I kind of have to be here, you know." I replied.
He stuck out his hand and gave me this little grin, "What's you're name
again?"
"I never gave it to you." I said. He looked a little hurt by that and
his eyes dropped a bit. I figured that it WAS being kinda rude. I mean I
was going to have to make some friends in here eventually, so I might as
well start off right. "Jon, my name is Jon." I said, shaking his hand
unenthusiastically. He smiled and seemed a little relieved about the
whole thing. I guess he figured me to be one of those people who fall
all over themselves for him because of his looks. Not me. I'll be damned
if I become somebody's puppet in the 8th grade. I'll save that for
marriage.
"Cool. My name's Oren. I'll see you tomorrow." Then he grabbed his stuff
and walked out. Well HE seemed awfully proud of himself all of the
sudden, didn't he? Probably wanted to get control over everybody and
figured he had just corrupted the one pawn in school who wouldn't crack.
I watched him as he walked out of the classroom, happy, almost skipping.
His perfect hair, his perfect teeth, his perfect body, his perfect ass,
his perfect voice, his perfect height/weight proportionate slim teenage
frame...geez was this kid built in a lab or what? Not only did I watch
him, but I watched 'other people' watch him. What I wouldn't give to
know what it's like for just one day. To be that sexy and not know it,
to be that gorgeous, to be that soft and delicate and...what the HELL am
I thinking? Okay, time to go home and break out the Playboys before I
mess around and turn queer.
Well, the first week went on and on, day after day, and Oren tried
repeatedly to be my best friend. I just didn't get it, it got to the
point where he would pass up other people to talk to me. One time I
passed him in the hallway, and this hot girl was talking to him and he
stopped her in mid sentence just to say hello. What-ever. During the
second week he was even worse. He would come in, and during class he
would just babble on and on about his day and his family and his dog and
his dentist and vacations he took when he was ten and all sorts of
stuff. The teacher would look back and he'd pipe down until the coast
was clear, and then he'd start up all over again. Out of all the kids in
the whole damn school he could've talked to, he chose me. I guess that
by the time the third week rolled around, I had gotten used to the whole
idea that he'd never run out of things to say. After a while it didn't
bother me so much though, and I actually 'listened' to what he had to
ramble on about, and you know, he wasn't all that bad a guy.
I usually just sit there and tune him out, throwing in a nod or a smile
to make him think I was listening, but that one day he said something
funny, hillariously funny, and I laughed. REALLY laughed. So hard that
it was almost impossible to hold it in. I snickered, I held my breath, I
put my hands over my mouth...but the harder I tried to hold it in, the
worse it got. It was just the funniest thing I had ever heard, and I had
to ask to be excused to get a drink of water. Anything to could get out
of that room before the teacher sent me to the office! The look on
Oren's face was priceless, like he was overjoyed to have finally gotten
some kind of reaction from me. I could repeat the joke for you, but you
probably wouldn't get it. I came back into the room, wiping tears from
my eyes and feeling the laughing pains in my stomach, and Oren smiled
warmly at me. I sat down again, and he just kinda looked over at me, so
pleased with getting a rise out of me for a change. He leaned forward to
look at my face, and when I smiled back at him, he giggled happily and
playfully gave me a shove. As far as I was concerned, there was still
more to hate than to love about the blond god next to me, but it wasn't
as bad as I thought it would be.
It was almost like magic the next day, when he came in I was honestly
happy to see him. He sat down next to me and looked right into my eyes,
searching to see if yesterday had been a fluke, but I set his mind at
ease by returning the playful shove that he gave me the day before. He
actually blushed and started giggling right along with me. And all
through class we just looked at each other and laughed silently to
ourselves. There wasn't anything funny really, but for some reason
that's what was making us laugh. The fact that we were laughing for no
reason GAVE us a reason to laugh. Besides, whenever we were in that
class together, I got this little jittery feeling in my stomach and it
tickled me so much that it kept me smiling throughout most of the day.
Strange.
Soon, talking in class turned into eating lunch together, and that
turned into phone conversations, and internet chat, and I guess you
could say that we did become best friends. At first I thought that maybe
he was just keeping the ugly kid around to make himself look better in
front of everybody else. Then I thought that maybe he just wanted to
make sure that he could control me the way he does everybody else. But
after the first 4 weeks of being around him, I began to realize that
when we were together, there WAS no 'everybody else'. In fact, he seemed
to push the other kids aside whenever he saw me coming, and it was a
wonderfully warm feeling. My other friends had all abandoned me by this
point, giving their hearts to their new girlfriends and devoting their
every moment to them. I missed them all terribly, but Oren was more than
happy to have me around, and that seemed to make everything all better.
He came over to my house for the first time and was just thrilled to be
there. I thought for sure Mr. Suburbia would scoff at my little cracker
box of a room, but he didn't even seem to notice. We plopped down on the
bed and just talked and talked for what must have been about an hour and
a half. No tv, no music, no video games, nothing. And there was never a
silent moment in the room. That's when Oren suddenly said out of
nowhere, "I'm so glad I met you that first day. I was worried that I
wouldn't make any friends...I certainly didn't expect to make a BEST
friend."
I got that tingly feeling again in my stomach, but this time it was
stronger, and it was spreading. To my arms, my legs...my heart. I didn't
exactly know what was going on, but I tried to stop it, to ignore it,
but it wouldn't go away. In fact, it was getting even stronger by the
minute, and when I looked at this vision of a boy who was perfect in
every possible way, it suddenly didn't bother me so much anymore. I was
speechless, and Oren noticed the pause in our conversation and looked at
me nervously for a second. "Did...did I say something wrong?"
"Can I ask you a serious question Oren?"
"Sure. Go ahead."
It had been on my mind since day one, and now that were, for all intents
and purposes, best buds, I figured that now was my opportunity to ask.
"Why me? I mean you could've picked anybody from school to be bus with,
why'd you pick me?"
He thought about it a second, giving me the strangest look. "I didn't
PICK you Jon. You just seemed kinda cool to me and we just hit it off.
That's all."
"But I was such an asshole to you at first. And yet you still wanted to
be friends."
"Well..maybe that's why. You were 'honest'. You didn't just jump up and
climb all over me the way some of those other kids do. I guess it was a
nice change of pace."
I felt myself suddenly being lost in his eyes, those wonderfuly blue
eyes. I had to look away, but his face demanded my focus. I couldn't
stop looking, it was the weirdest thing I had ever experienced. He was
just so....so...confusingly beautiful to me. So perfect, so tender...was
it me or was the air getting thin in there. "So you pick the ugliest,
lonliest kid in school to be friends with?"
"You....you think you're ugly?" He said. Great, here comes the you're
not ugly speech that's been designed to make me feel good about myself.
"You're not ugly Jon. Now our science teacher...HE'S ugly!" He giggled.
I smiled a little, but I suddenly felt so awful. Like I didn't even
deserve to be in the same room with someone so gorgeous. What did Oren
see when he looked into the mirror in the morning? What did he see when
he looked at ME? If only I could be half as beautiful, not for myself,
but for him. I wanted to be everything he wanted in the world and more.
I wanted him to look at me and see the same beauty and grace that I saw
in him. I wanted to be his sunshine, I wanted him to think and dream
about me every day, I wanted to be the one he couldn't take his eyes off
of. And the fact that I was none of those things, made me feel so empty.
He evidently saw the seriousness in my eyes and said, "Dude, trust me
okay? You're fine."
"Don't say that, okay? Let's just forget about it. You don't know what
it's like."
"What do you mean?"
I was suddenly overcome with the incredible urge to lean over and kiss
those delicious ruby red lips of his. I was trying to fight it, to
forget it, but it was just sooo strong. I attempted to rationalize it
all out in my mind. Tried to pretend that Mr. Delicate here was just
reminding me of some girl I fancied. But it didn't work. I wanted him, I
couldn't stop wanting him. I couldn't stop staring, I couldn't stop
thinking, I couldn't stop wishing I was someone else, ANYONE else. I
wanted to hold his slender teen body against mine, so fragile and
smooth, and feel the beating of his heart as his body heat mixed with
mine. God I wanted him so bad I could TASTE it. But then I remembered
who I was...and it dawned on me that these feelings were just a waste of
my time. "I mean you'll never know what it's like to not have the
attention, or the stares, or the big group of friends. You'll never know
what it's like trying twice as hard to impress somebody, or hating your
own reflection. You don't know how lonely it is."
Oren looked me right in the eye, his baby blues piercing straight
through to my soul and causing me to get extremely uncomfortable. Geez
he was hot! He seemed to get more attractive by the second, and he was
actually turning me on here. The mental images of him and me together
got worse, and I pictured us kissing, rolling around on the bed, moaning
softly and touching each other as we indulged in our young lust. "You
think that just because people think I'm cute that I don't have any
problems?"
"You've got your whole life laid out for you, Oren. People will line up
and worship the ground you walk on. You don't know what it's like to
feel this alone, to not have anybody love you. Do you know what it's
like to have nothing but heartbreak to look forward to in the future?"
"Do you know what it's like to break those hearts, Jon? Do you think I
get a kick out of it? You tell me I don't know what it's like being
lonely, well you have no idea. Do you know what it's like to have people
stare at me all the time, to be on display everywhere I go? People pass
me notes, telling me they love me and want to be with me. I can't have
one good friend without them suddenly saying they love me and can't live
without me. And then when you try to tell them you just want to be
friends, it's like they hate you for not feeling the same way. I lose my
friends because they say they can't bare being around me if it's gonna
be friends only. Some girls just throw themselves at me and I feel
guilty because I don't like them that way. Guys get jealous and decide
to hate me for no reason. Then they say they don't want me hanging
around them because they're all afraid I'm gonna steal their girlfriends
or something. Yeah, believe me, I know what lonliness is all about."
I was almost ready to cry, wallowing in my own self pity when he said
that. I looked up, trying to see his face, but once my eyes met his, I
realized that I was no better than all the rest. I never thought of
myself as a homosexual before Oren came along, but at that moment, I
knew this wasn't just some crazy feeling or jittery sensation...I was in
love. Totally in love. Don't ask me how I knew, I just did. It was
wrong, I knew it, but it felt so right. I was just as bad as every other
person in his life, falling for his charms and his good looks and making
him the object of my desires. I couldn't help it, he just had this
beautiful aura around him that seeped out of his every pour. He was
beyond cute, he was just sooo lovely, so perfect and handsome and....if
only I had the words to tell him. If only I could be with him in the
most intimate ways. My heart hurt, my head hurt, I didn't know what to
do.
Oren kept going, as though he had waited his whole life to give this
speech, to let it all out to someone who would listen for a change. "I
start to wonder if every friend I ever had was ever a friend at all. I
look at people and try to have a meaningful conversation, and I see
their eyes glaze over, and I know that they're not listening. Most
people could care less what I have to say. They either hate my guts or
are completely obsessed with me and I get tired of it. Half of them are
usually too scared to talk to me, the other half just expect some sick
sexual favor from me the second we meet. I'm tired of having older guys
watch me in the mall, I'm tired of getting embarassing compliments in
front of everybody, I'm tired of losing friends because of how I look. I
have feelings too you know. Do you have any idea how many times I've
told that joke since I was ten? You were the first person who was ever
listening closely enough to get it."
"I was?" I said, actually starting to giggle a little from the memory.
Like I said, you guys wouldn't get it.
Oren saw me laughing and moved closer, making me even more nervous than
I already was. "You see? You LISTEN to me. You're not just pawing me or
staring at me like everybody else. That's why I like you so much,
because for the first time in my life I've found somebody that makes me
feel like I matter." I was trying to smile for him, but his words made
me feel sick. He saw me as such a good friend, as such a big difference
from everyone else he had ever known...and here I was falling even
deeper in love with every word he spoke. Why did I have to be like this?
Why couldn't I turn it off? Here was this awesome, wonderful boy, my
best friend in the whole world, pouring his heart and soul into me, and
all I could do was think of how miraculous it would be to kiss him. He
got down on his knees and came over to where I was sitting on the bed,
and he held my hands in his. "I'm REALLY happy to have you Jon. You're
so special to me. It's strange, but I've never felt so close to anybody
before in my life. I really like you, okay?"
That's when it happened, my thoughts turned from confusing and innocent,
to sexual. I thought that it would never get past an image of a sweet
kiss, but looking down at his blue eyes slightly hidden behind strands
of blond hair that resembled freshly spun gold, I was getting hard. I
pictured his beautiful nude lithe body on top of mine, grinding,
thrusting, glistening with a thin sheen of sweat. His tongue in my
mouth, not hard, but forceful. His perfect ass being squeezed between my
fingertips as he moaned my name tenderly in my ear. He was holding my
hand...my hand! He was staring into my eyes without saying a word, and I
thought to myself, all I would have to do is lean forward. Just a few
inches. I started to wonder whether our entire friendship, everything
that had been built between us, would be worth that one sweet kiss. Just
a simple kiss, with lips so tender and soft...how could he hate someone
who loved him so much. Maybe he would understand, maybe he wouldn't
mind. Oh if only I could share that one magnificent moment with him I'd
have enough love to last me a lifetime. We continued to look at each
other and for a quick second I could have sworn I saw a spark of
something in his eyes, a familiar shine that let me know he understood.
I could see what I was feeling reflected back at me in those glorious
liquid eyes, and this time, the reflection was more beautiful than I had
ever dreamed, and I was happy with what I saw.
I thought maybe this was it, maybe this was my 'sign'. I was so head
over heels in love so suddenly, I didn't know what to do. I thought of
how smooth and soft his gene hands were, and I thought about how he MUST
be an EXCELLENT kisser. I wanted to act, to say something, do something,
I was right at the door all I had to do was open it. But my senses got
the better of me, my insecurities returned, and I pulled away from him.
"Thanks Oren. You're...you're a good friend. You can count on me."
We both stood up, and shared an awkward moment before he stuttered,
"Sure...good friends. Look...um...I've gotta go home...my mom and dad
will be worried."
"Sure," I replied. "I'll see you tomorrow in class then."
"Okay...yeah, I'll be there." Then Oren paused for a second before
giving me a hug, his arms folding lovingly around my neck. It was one of
those hugs that lasted a bit longer than necessary, and it felt like he
was shaking. Then he backed up, looking for some kind of reaction from
me, and when he didn't see one, he turned around to walk out. I felt
like shit. I had been lying to him the whole time, since the first day I
saw him. I'd been lying to myself, thinking I could just be friends with
a guy like that and eventually lure him into bed. I'll bet that on some
level that's exactly what I was thinking. It was like I had no
conscious. I decided that it was going to be next to impossible, but I
would eventually fall out of love with him and move on. I mean, why
would he choose me? I'm not a hottie, I'm just average. I'm not sexy,
I'm not overly intelligent, I'm not funny, or witty, or athletic.
Hell...I'm not even a GIRL! So maybe knowing that there's no chance will
help me get through this. And I can be there for him like a good friend
should be. Afterall, he deserved the very best, and his smile meant
everything to me.
The next two weeks of school were a harsh combination of pleasure and
pain. A billion emotions ran through me every day. Trying to be a close
friend, but not too close. Trying to make him happy but not too happy.
Showing him I care, but not how MUCH I care. I played tug of war with my
feelings, and on some occassions I thought that maybe I was getting
better. But then Oren would brush his hair out of his eyes, or throw an
arm around my shoulder, or his leg would brush mine under the table, and
I'd be in love all over again. I couldn't stop it, it just grew and grew
until I literally had to ignore him to keep from hugging and kissing him
right in the middle of class. I found my eyes glazing over when he
talked, watching his thi pink lips form every word, and I'd remember how
much he hated that. So I would try to concentrate harder and pay
attention, but it would be less than a minute before I was in dreamland
again. He was soooo cute. He just had one of those faces you never got
tired of looking at. My heart went out to him every minute of the day,
and it hurt me so much to hold it back from him. But I knew he didn't
want to hear it, so I locked it away deep inside where hopefully he
would never find it. But it was like the Tell Tale Heart, because the
longer I lived with it, the more paranoid I got. It was like he could
see it in my eyes, hear it in my voice, and I began to withdraw from him
little by little to try and get some control over it all. But the more I
pulled back, the harder he tried to get closer to me, and it was just
too much for me to handle. Then one day, after class while I was running
out to avoid Oren's playful after-class conversation, a girl from
another class walked over to me. Her name was Stacy, and she had to be
the hottest, most beautiful girl in school...maybe even the district!
But it wasn't really me she wanted. She handed me an expertly folded
piece of paper, and asked me to give it to Oren the next time I saw him.
Then she smiled and walked away, and I was left there in the halls,
holding this letter. That was more than a love note in my hand, it was
the end...of everything. No doubt, once Oren finds out he got a note
from the hottest girl in school, he'd follow the same routine of all the
other guys and abandon me to become one of the many puppets roaming the
hallways during the day. And yet, it wouldn't make sense for me NOT to
give it to him. I mean, maybe this was it, my freedom. Maybe I could
pass it along and leave him behind knowing that he'd be happy. I could
do that, I mean, what was I waiting for? I could never tell him how I
felt, and I could never give as much of myself as I wanted to without
him finding out his best friend is a homo. So what was the big deal? I
might as well set him free and dettach myself from the whole fantasy
before I ruined everything like I usually do. I sighed, and it hurt me
to think of letting him go, but it was time I faced facts and realized
that we just aren't meant to be. I'm just wasting my time and his.
I went home that night, and even though it was against my better
judgement, I read the note. It was just beautiful. It's funny how a girl
could so easily sum up every feeling I've ever had for Oren in one
letter. I couldn't have written it better myself. And down at the bottom
it was signed "The one you've been waiting for". Kind of a cocky ending
if you ask me, but I was sure he would fall for it. I mean Stacy was the
one ALL guys were waiting for, and since she didn't put her real name, I
figured this meant that I'd be forced to pass on further notes and gauge
reactions from my pal. Play the middle man until it was risk free for
the both of them, until they got together and lived happily ever after.
Sigh...be strong Jon, this is what you want, right?
The next day in class, Oren was his usual giggly self, but I wasn't in
the mood. I was nervous, jealous, depressed, but I said I would deliver
the note and I would. Class went by extra fast that day it seemed. Any
other day the time would have dragged on for hours, but with the ever
nearing doomsday bell getting ready to ring, the day period went by in a
flash. The last five minutes were the worst. I knew it was almost time
to give him the letter, and give away the love of my life. I was
trembling uncontrollably, and I used the last few minutes to look upon
his angelic face for what may be the last time before he left me behind.
The bell rang, and it took every bit of strength and courage that I had,
but I gave it to him. I actually GAVE it to him! Not too bright, am I? I
didn't want to see him read it, and he said I had been acting weird all
day anyway, so he wouldn't notice if I just up and left. I practically
threw him the letter and said "Here" before walking out. It was a
mistake that I regretted every step that I took towards home. I felt
empty, broken, alone. How could I have been so damn stupid, to let this
gorgeous boy take me to the highest mountain top and not expect to be
dropped back into the gutter of sadness that I came from? What made me
think that it was my turn to be happy for a change? All my friends had
gone off and found their true loves, been happy, seemed everybody was
having love dropped in their lap. But not me, I had to search and
struggle to find love, and when I finally found it, it was for someone I
could never have. I suppose life was meant to be cruel for some people.
I had been home crying for almost three hours straight when the phone
rang. Who knows what made me answer it, but I wiped my eyes clean and
picked up the receiver. As though fate hadn't finished laughing at me
yet, it was Oren on the other side. "J-Jon?"
"Yeah?" I said, trying to sound as normal as possible.
"Jon, dude...you've GOTTA come over!" He said. He was obviously excited
about the note, and I knew it would be torture to hear him talk about
it. Great, now was my chance to suffer through hearing him talk about
his new lovelife and future sexlife. Rubbing it in my face, reminding me
what I gave up, and that I lost out for no other reason than I was too
scared to open my mouth and say something when I had the chance. Thanks
Stacy, I'll remember you for this when the ten year reunion comes aroud
and you've gained 100 pounds and grown a moustache. I thought about
making up an excuse, but Oren was one of those people I just couldn't
say no to.
"Alright...I'm coming."
"How soon can you be here? Hurry up!"
"Alright...I'm coming." I repeated, just as dull as the last time. I
figured that if I only had one last chance to see that cute smile of
his, I might as well take it. I got on my bike and rode to his house, he
practically met me at the door and yanked me inside.
The look on his face was undescribable, so full of light, so full of
joy. It only made him ten times more beautiful. "Jon...I don't know what
to do with myself! I'm speechless!" He said practically jumping up and
down. It was almost funny seeing him so happy, I would have laughed if I
wasn't hurting so much.
"So you read the letter huh?"
"Yeah, it was so cool. I was so surpised! I mean I never would have the
guts to put it in a letter. I mean, I've been dreaming about it for a
long time now, but I never thought I had a chance in hell!" Ha! The very
thought of Oren thinking he didn't have a chance in hell with ANYBODY
was downright ridiculous. I mean Stacy was bound to fall for him sooner
or later. ALL the girls in school were. I guess that little note really
made him happy, happier than I ever did anyway. I guess it's time to cut
my losses and move on, at least I know he'll have someone. God, he was
so special to me.
"No chance? Of course you had a chance, you're one of the hottest guys
in school. Hehehe, I'm surprised it didn't happen before now." I said.
"Me too! But it did, it finally happened. Jon...I just want you to
know...that I feel EXACTLY the same way dude!" Oren said, his smile
threatening to rip is face apart if it got any bigger. Well, at least
now I know he likes Stacy too. Like I said, he'll be happy. Maybe we'll
still get together once in a while. Maybe they'll break up in a few
weeks and he'll need a shoulder to cry on. I'll be here for him if he
needs me. I'll always be here.
"Good dude, I'm glad. I hope it all works out." I said, giving him all
the false well wishings that I could muster. It hurt, oh man did it
hurt, but this was what he wanted and what I wanted for him. It had
already been 3 months, and he had given me so much to look forward to.
So much to look back at twenty years from now when I want to remember
what true love really felt like. That's when something happened that let
me know something wasn't quite connecting here. Oren walked up and
hugged me tightly around the neck.
"It will work out Jon. Because I've never loved anybody else this much.
I love you too Jon, more than anything. Thank you." Then, before my
brain could even process what was going on, he loosened his grip and
kissed me on the lips. He took me completely by surprise and I felt
weak, helpless, breathless. I guess the shock got the better of me and I
backed up, tripping over the edge of a chair and falling back against a
wall. I hit my head and slinked down to the floor. "JON? Are you okay?"
Oren asked, half concerned, half grinning.
I was just...I couldn't believe...my mind went completely blank. No
words would come to the surface, no emotions could be described, or
explained. I just sat there, wondring if this was all real, or if I was
going to wake up in a second and have to change my sticky bedsheets
again. "Yeah, I'm fine."
Oren looked down at me for a few moments while I regained my senses.
"You know, I just told you I loved you too, you could look a little bit
happier." He said jokingly.
I don't know what made me say it the way I did, or why I couldn't just
let down my defenses and enjoy the kiss. I had been waiting for it for 3
whole months, and the second I get it, I screw it up and nearly give
myself a concussion in the process. I said, "Dude...I didn't write the
letter, Stacy did."
"Yeah, right." He joked, but I looked at him, and he saw the answer in
my expression. His joy faded quickly, and I saw his face melt into a
look of hurt that almost brought tears to my eyes. His smile was the
first to go, then his eyes lost their youthful glow, then his shoulders
dropped, then the rest of him transformed in sections to the sad figure
that stood before me. He looked down at the letter in his hand again,
"You...you mean...you didn't write this? You're not...'The one I've been
waiting for'?" There was so much hurt in his voice, so much shame and
despair. I couldn't answer him, I could only shake my head. "Oh...oh
God...Jon...I'm so...embarrassed. I...I...look, this didn't happen,
okay. None of it, this never happened. I'm sorry. Just...just...forget
about it." When I looked up again, two small rivers of tears had come
pouring out of his sparkling blue eyes. His lips were quivering and he
was pacing back and forth in small circles. He felt his sobs getting
stronger and he turned his back on me, attempting to hide his shame from
me. But he was hurting, and the pain was showin through his front and
back, inside and out.
I got up from the floor and put my arms around him from behind. Why
couldn't I say it? The mystery was gone, the risk was gone, the love was
real...so why couldn't I just SAY THE DAMN WORDS??? They choked me,
refused to come out, they betrayed me and forced themselves downward to
hide away in the dungeon where I had kept them locked up for oh so long.
I could feel his tears as they dropped off of his face and down onto my
arm, and they forced me to produce tears of my own.
"Why? Why don't you want me?" Oren sobbed. "Why can't you just be like
the others? Why is it so hard to get you to notice me?" He started to
cry even harder, his entire body quaking with pain. "Oh God, Jon...if
you don't want me I'm not worth the air that I breathe."
I hugged him tighter, wishing I had the strength, wishing I could just
say it, just once. I was crying just as hard as he was, and then, as if
on reflex, I kissed him on the cheek. "STOP IT!" He shouted, pulling
away from me. "Don't you see, you're making it worse! I thought I was
above all those girls and boys, better than they were. Falling for their
best friend instead of appreciating what they had. But now I'm on the
other side of it, and you know what? IT SUCKS! Now I know how much it
hurts. God, I'm no better than they are. I couldn't help it Jon, please
believe me. It's just, you were so wonderful, you treated me like a real
person and you listened to my problems. You were the first person I ever
trusted. I just...I just couldn't..." Then he broke down in a fit of
tears and laid down face first on his bed. He was hitting the mattress
with his fist and saying how sorry he was for everything, and it ripped
a hole in my very being. Then, out of nowhere, the magic box opened. The
words rushed up to my lips, speeding up to the surface, stale from being
held captive for such a long time. But it still wasn't easy to say.
First I merely mouthed the words. Then they turned into a whisper, then
a shy, low speech. But Oren was crying too hard to hear me, his face
buried in a pillow.
That's when I felt myself moving towards the bed, and I laid down on top
of him, my chest resting on his back as he continued to sob and squirm.
I put my mouth right next to his ear and whispered the lovely words once
again, their delightful sound getting easier and easier to say each
time. "I love you too, Oren. More than anything." I said, and I kissed
him on the tear soaked cheek once again. He must have heard me that
time, because the sobs quited down a little more and he began to relax.
I leaned in to kiss his smooth cheeks again, his soft skin being gently
sucked into my mouth, and this time I took the time to enjoy it. I felt
him relax even more, his head turning slightly to allow me to kiss more
of his creamy skin. It was at that point that I realized exactly what I
was doing! I was kissing him! I was kissing Oren, and he was letting me!
Oh wow! I could feel him breathing under me, I could taste the salty
tingle of his tears on the tip of my tongue, my nose was actually buried
in the locks of his soft blond hair. My heart raced, my head spun, and I
was so close to having everything that I could ever want in life that it
scared me. I was actually FRIGHTENED by it, the feelings that I had, the
desire to completely give myself over to Oren and become one with the
boy who had been slowly changing y life every day since we first met.
"Do you mean it? Please...please say yes." He whispered, his eyes
closed, his breath pouring out of him in heavy, long winded sighs. I was
still on top of him, and I felt him push his hips into the bed, then
rise to make his curvaceous ass press up into my groin before pushing
back down into the mattress. Feeling my cock, now rock hard, fall gently
between his soft sculpted cheeks caused me to push forward
involuntarilly, and the sensation it gave me was beyond incredible.
It was then that I whispered in his ear, "Yes Oren. I love you." This
made him moan out loud, and hs arms stretched out in front of him as he
arched his back and stretched underneath me. I felt his smooth body
tense up, and my hands travelled down the subtle curves of his sides.
While he was stretching, he buried his face in the pillow, and his body
became tight and firm, yet still retaining that wiry 'green' quality, it
was like having a cat stretch underneath me. I whispered again, "I need
you Oren. Just say the wors, please say you'll be mine." Oren moaned
again, even louder. My voice was turning him on something fierce, and it
made me feel so good to know I was arousing him beyond his wildest
dreams. He pushed himself into me further, and I had to push my cock
down into his harder to keep from being lifted off of the bed. He
whimpered with a high pitch teenage whine, and his hips were rolling
below me like crazy, like he couldn't get enough. I was almost ready to
cum already. My body was numb with excitement, my mind was lost in the
moment, and my heart...my heart found a new purpose, and it seemed to
pick up an extra beat, just for him. "Pleeeeaaase Oren, say it. Say I
can have you. I want you, I want you so bad." I knew it was driving him
crazy, I knew he was insane with passion, and I wanted to fulfill his
every fantasy. I wanted him to know my love was forever, and that his
spectacular beauty, as well as his gentle spirit and good natured
personality, had never once gone unnoticed.
I reached under him and cupped my hands over his tiny erect nipples. I
rubbed them through his shirt and he cried out. "Yes...yes Jon, you can
have me. I want you too. I've wanted you for so long." He was almost
sobbing, and I could feel that raw emotion passing from him into me. We
were consumed by a feeling a thousand times greater than happiness or
joy, and we became so saturated with emotion that tears spilled over our
faces as we coupled erotically on the bed. I leaned down to kiss him on
the back of his neck, my nose filled with the sweet smelling scent of
his hair, and he stretched again. This time I moved my hands further
down the length of his sleek frame, and my fingertips felt the slight
bumps of his ribs on their journey south. Then the hardness of his flat
chest was interrupted by the incredible tenderness of his soft belly. It
was soooo warm there, and my hands were able to go under his shirt to
tease his belly button. I wish I could see it with my own eyes, his
navel felt so cute to me, just a small oval cavity, just shallow enough
to probably see the bottom of it from a distance. His skin was
erotically smooth on his stomach, like an ocean of heated lotion.
Running my fingers across it caused shivers to run down my spine.
All the while, Oren was grinding his cheeks into me from below. His ass
was just perfect, so round and soft that the gelatin globes massaged my
cock in ways I didn't even think imaginable. His bottom was such a
majestic cushion of spongy perfection that to feel it move, the muscles
contracting lightly, was simply mindblowing. I was pressing my cock into
him hard and he only wanted more. Our grinding became a sensual
wrestling match between us, and I used his soft stomach to pull him
further into me. He was humping the bed, his cock engorged and
frustrated at the lack of attention, and I tried to keep up with my
angel kisses as his head moved back and forth constantly. He kept
lifting himself up on his elbows, his back making that sexy arc that
forced me even deeper into him. I let my hands wander further down, and
I ran them over the length of his swollen cock. It twitched violently
when I touched it and he cried out in a desperate whimper that was
ooohhh so cute. I grabbed it through his pants, feeling the steel hard
length of his member in my hand, and I HAD to have more. I was somehow
able to unbutton his pants and zipper without looking, and once he
realized what I was doing, he became wild with anticipation. "Yes, hurry
Jon...mmmm...hurry!" I fumbled around until I was able to get them open
and I reached into his underwear. The first contact was like heaven, and
a bolt of lightning shot through the both of us. He drove all five and a
half inches into my hand hard as soon as I touched, and the heat coming
from it threatened to burn me. He moaned out really loud, and his ass
molded itself to me tightly. He pushed himself into my hand repeatedly,
pumping, grinding, pushing, moaning, and with every thrust, his soft
warm ass would tease me. Oren pushed his hands back to pull his pants
down o his thighs under me, and I was able to do the same. I lifted hs
shirt and ground myself into him like crazy, our bare flesh touching for
the first time. His cheeks were so ripe, so deliciously soft and smooth
and tight and round. God...how long I've waited for this moment.
I was not only letting him push into me now, I was jacking him off now.
I could feel his balls touching my hand on every down stroke, and on
every upstroke, he soft skin of his underbelly, dusted with the finest
silky pubic hair ever. I was nibbling on his ear, and realized that
through it all, the two of us were still crying, still overcome with the
knowledge that we weren't alone, that we felt the same way. The
knowledge that in a world of disappointments, disaggreements, prejudice,
hatred, depression, and pain...it's still possible for two hearts to
find each other and beat as one. That in the very end, love really did
conquer all. Oren was beginning to squirm even more underneath me and I
knew he was close. I thought that I might be able to last longer, that I
might be able to resist the temptation to give myself over to the orgasm
of the century. But it hit me without warning, building up deep inside
of me and forcing me to wriggle around on top of Oren wildly. We were
both panting and dizzy, and it was then that he whispered,
"Mmmm....I...I love you so much Jon...soooo much...." And I realized
that this wasn't just somene I loved...this was Oren. This was the kid
who made me laugh, who I almost lost, who I couldn't live without...and
when he turned his head to the side and our lips met for the second
time, it was over for the both of us. His body tensed up and I felt the
pulsing spasms of his hard cock as he shot long strong blasts of cum
onto the bed sheets. At the same time, his tongue shot out into my
mouth, and my cock fell directly into the crack of that perfect ass, and
I cried out as I shot ho seemen up the crack and onto his back, gluing
us together as we attempted to come back to earth from such an amazing
climax. My breathing slowed down, my heart stopped hurting from beating
so fast, my body temperture returned to normal, and our muscles finally
let us relax. I rolled off of Oren's back, and his hypnotic blue eyes
stared into my soul. We looked at each other for a few minutes and just
when I thought I couldn't feel any more 'beautiful' myself...he leaned
in and kissed me. He tasted so sweet, and more warm tears streamed down
my cheeks, mixing with his, and we knew then and there that we'd never
be alone again.
We made out, kissing and licking each other for what must have been an
hour. And the whole time we never spoke a single word, not that w could
have finished a complete sentence anyway the way we were going at it. We
couldn't even make eye contact without kissing. To think, all this time
I had been looking for love, and I found it in another boy. The cutest
boy in the whole world no less. And he loved me too...what are the odds.
Any other time, I would have thought that fate was laughing at me, but
this time it was finally throwing me a bone. Fate was finally telling me
"Here kid, you've been through enough. Now take this gift and enjoy
yourself." We laid in bed, holding each other, breathing in unison, and
just when I thought the tears would stop, they would start all over
again. I had never been closer to anybody. No more critical mornings in
the mirror, no more wondering if I'd ever make it in this crazy world,
no more hurt feelings or wasting time wondering what I had done to
deserve such a raw deal. I had found love, a perfect love with a perfect
blond lover. One that would last until the end of time and beyond.
"You know...we're going to have to stop crying eventually." Oren said,
smiling and wiping his cheeks clear of the salted streaks.
"Hehehe, how do you suppose we do that?" I replied, and he kissed me on
the cheek before whispering that same joke in my ear again, making me
burst out into laughter. It just got funnier every time we heard it, and
he laughed right along with me. He was great! What was the joke? Ah,
don't worry about it. It's dumb. You probably wouldn't get it anyway. I
guess you have to be in love to truly understand it anyway.
---------------------------------------------------------------
There it is folks! The first new story from the Comicality camp in a
month. I hope you enjoyed it. Any feedback, whether you liked it or not,
is appreciated at comicality@webtv.net or stop by my website at
http://www.comicality.org (Don't forget to sign the guestbook!)