Date: Thu, 18 Jan 2001 17:48:25 +0100
From: Lange <lange.ruegen@t-online.de>
Subject: betrayed love - chapter 1

chapter one - the dilemma

Jason left his house around the usual time. It was the first day of school
again, after the summer break. Jason, or Jay as he was called by Tommy, his
best friend, was your average American teenager. Well ... maybe not quite
average. He was gay and he had admitted it to himself long ago. Not to
anyone else though, but he planned to tell Tommy very soon.

Other than being gay, he really was quite average, but the girls saw him as
quite some cutie. Most of them fell for his brown eyes, which from time to
time glazed over while thinking or which would shine crystal like while
smiling at somebody.

His brown longish hair fell over his eyes when cocking his head to one side.
He was simply adorable. That's what a good half of the school thought. Not
only some teenage girls, but also some teachers saw him as their favorite. He
did not intend to be that adored, but he did not mind it either. This gave him
at least some time to think about other things, like Tommy ...

He not only thought about Tommy in a friendly sort of way, as everyone,
including Tommy, thought he would do, it was something different,
something more.  He could not understand it himself for quite a long time,
but he simply did know now that he was madly in love with Tommy.

If you have not experienced it yourself, you can't understand what it's like to
hide your true feelings for more than two years. It was that long ago that he
realized that he was in love with Tommy, or as he told himself at that time
that he was 'feeling more than just friendship' for him.

Whilst walking to school, he once again had time to remember how it was
when he first noticed his intense feelings.

It had been just another day during the summer break. To be exact it was like
two days into the break and Jason was kind of bored and he decided to visit
Tommy to have a bit of fun together. You know, play video games or
wrestle a little. Just the types of things that friends like to do when
they are together. Tommy lived about 15 minutes from him, thus he did not
always have to ask his mother to drive him there.

Arriving at Tommy's and knocking on the door, Tommy's mother opened it
for him. He looked at her closely and noticed that she'd been crying a little.
He wondered why, but he did not dare ask. You know, it's that awkward
feeling you get when you go into a house which is totally silent. That's
exactly what Jason felt at that time. He said 'good morning' and went up the
stairs to Tommy's room. The door of his room was slightly ajar and he could
see him on his bed.

He wanted to go in, but stopped as he saw tears trickle down Tommy's
cheeks. Jason was surprised because, up until now, he had never seen
Tommy cry and it knew it must be something awful.  He could help but
stand there and stare. Not that he was some kind of a sadist and took
pleasure in seeing somebody suffer, but Tommy looked so damn cute,
maybe because he was so vulnerable. He usually was always one of the
strong guys, never showing any emotion or feelings. Well, he did at that
moment. And it just made you feel like you wanted to comfort him.

He wanted to do that, too, but, of course, he could not just go in there and
kiss him ... He'd have really liked to do that, but he decided against it. Kiss
him?  That was weird. Kiss a boy? He'd never wanted to kiss a boy before.
He'd never thought of that as disgusting or anything like *that, but Jason had
never really considered that possibility.

At that point he simply wanted to go in and firmly plant his lips against
Tommy's lips. Weird, really, but he contained himself and knocked before
entering the door. They had some talk and Tommy told him that his
grandmother was in hospital with some form of cancer. Jason had never told
him that he had stood at the door during that whole time, and he did not tell
Tommy that he was in love with him. He thought it to be quite a bit too
early, especially after just realizing it himself, but he promised himself
to do it one day.

One day, well, he would not do it until then, but he was sure he would some
day.  Maybe it should be today, but - honestly - he was not really sure of
anything at this time of the morning. You know, the first day was always
very hectic and the new kids were running and screaming in the hallways.

That's really not the way he liked it. He only hoped that nobody would
discover his secret hiding place. Nobody really knew about this place, and he
wanted to keep it that way. There were some stairs in the school building
that weren't used very frequently. Jason usually went up there and sat on one
of the window sills to watch the desert out there. It was so peaceful, so
unlike to the inside of the school. That is what he liked to have: on one side
of his body the screaming, running and laughing of the students and on the
other side the serenity and calmness and love of the desert right next to the
window. Sometimes he did write down his thoughts while being there, but it
was not like he always did that. He was a poet by far. Still he hoped that
nobody would steal his place.

He then noticed that he was already standing 50 feet from the school
building and he stopped to observe how all the other students stormed into it.
It was weird how everybody was always saying 'I hate school' and then
they'd run into school like there's something being given away for
free. Stupid assholes. He hated them for doing what they were expected to
do. Suddenly somebody's hand took hold of his shoulder and it startled him.
Who else could it be, other than Tommy?

"Hey, bud. How's it going? Watching the new ones running into their home
again?"

"Yeah, bunch of assholes ... "

There he stood in front of him, his blue eyes piercing and his blonde hair all
askew. He'd broken into a smile since he'd seen Jason standing there staring
at the silly ones. That was just like him, to do something like that. The smile
was still plastered on his face and Jason was transfixed on it, his jaw nearly
dropping in awe of the beauty in front of him.

His mind finally caught up with his actions and he broke into a smile also.

"Hey to you, too, Tommy. I missed you over the last weeks. C'mon, let's
walk into this hell us teenagers are condemned to."

"Yeah, let's go."

While walking into the building, both of them kept on talking about the new
school year.

"Which sports you're going to play this year, Tom?"

Tom ... that nearly caught Tommy by surprise, but he fast remembered that
Jase had already introduced that nickname at the end of the last year.
Nobody besides Jason called him Tom, not even his parents when they were
mad at him for some reason, but he didn't mind
Jason calling him that.

"Umm, dunno. Surely basketball again and maybe I'll start track. I've
always been interested in that. And what's with you?" he asked, completely
putting the fact out of his mind that Jason had never played any sports
before.

"I probably won't play anything again, I suppose. I'll stick to my brain."

Jason wondered whether he should, nevertheless, try to play some sport to
impress Tommy, but now that he told him he wouldn't, it would look like he
didn't know what he was talking about. And second, he didn't need to make
a complete fool of himself by trying to throw some ball around or run for
hours. No, he'd really better stick to what he did best, and that was using his
brain. If Tommy had wanted him to participate in sports, he surely would
have told him, but luckily he did not.

"Hey Jay, I'm talking to you. Wake up!"

"Huh?"

"Oh man, you'll dream yourself to death one of these days."

"Very funny. What do you want?"

"I just wanted to know, whether you already know your homeroom number
and whether you're going to keep your old locker?"

"No, I'll just get the number from the lists on the bulletin board in a minute
and, yes, I want to keep my locker." Jason answered annoyed, as he rolled
his eyes at Tommy.

"Am I getting on your nerves?"

"No, no."

Jason wondered why he always seemed to do that, especially when he talked
to Tommy. He always seemed to zone out for a few moments when he looked
into Tommy's eyes and he also lost his ability to pay attention to the
conversation.

"Hey dreamer. I thought you wanted to look up your homeroom number?"

"Yeah, why?" Jason asked confused, glancing around to see what he had
missed.

"You're a hopeless case. Come on." Tommy stated, as he dragged Jason
through the crowd to get a look at the board.

"Jason Matthews, R302 and I'm in R106. It looks like we won't be in the
same homeroom again, buddy. That's bullshit."

"Calm down, dude. It's gonna be okay." Jason reassured Tommy, although
he himself didn't feel too well with the thought of not having Tommy with
him anymore. It was by far not the way that he depended on him, but still ...

"We'll maybe still have some classes together, Tom."

"Yeah, sure, as if that would be enough ... okay pal, we're already late, let's
head to our homerooms."

"Well, yeah. See ya around, Tom."

"See ya, Jay."

With that both of them turned and walked down the hall in opposite
directions.