Date: Tue, 8 May 2001 22:02:10 +0200
From: Lange <lange.ruegen@t-online.de>
Subject: betrayed love - chapter ten

umm, don't read this if:

~you are younger than 18
~you are homophobic or you just generally don't like this sort of stories
~this is forbidden where you live
= that means, read if you're sure you can risk it.

thanks to Bill Watts for editing this ... I think the story would look not
too good if he didn't do it ... not that I'm convinced of my writing
ability. :) I mights add: a really huge 'thank you' to Bill as he really is
a great guy AND he suggests the chapter headings, as i never have any idea
whatsoever about that.

this story is copyright my n-c-g [that's me,
btw :-)]. All rights reserved. ... uhh, doesn't that sound dumb? :)

so ... I hope nobody is offended by this chapter and you can enjoy it and
please mail me if you like or dislike or whatever the story.

if you want to read other stories by me, either go to my homepage:
http://home.t-online.de/home/lange.ruegen

or on nifty:

"us" posted on April 1st (highschool) - finished
"a little lamb" last posted on April 21st - on-going

-------
!!!!NOTE!!!!
geez, i'm tired, so don't expect anything intelligent,
just as much, i'll try to get into a rhythm of posting once
per month...maybe :-) as always, i think this is boring,
but hey, you have to read it. umm, what else...i don't know.
i'm way too tired to think of something. Weird. good night.
--------
~~~~~~~~
~~~
~

Chapter ten - on the horns of a dilemma.

The second Jason awoke, the vivid images of his dream
came back to him and made him smile widely for the first
time in days. He'd never had such a dream before. Sure,
he'd had erotic dreams about Tommy for example, but
they'd never been that real. It had felt like Tommy and
Eric had been really touching him. It simply had been
real and Jason was quite sure that he wouldn't
experience such a thing again. It was too rare, too
wonderful to just happen more than once.

His mother was delighted that her son was able to smile
again, something she had missed over the past few days.
He'd never seemed genuinely happy - not a surprise - but
he was now. She could tell he was feeling good. Would he
still feel like that when his day was over? They hadn't
told him yet, but he was scheduled to talk to a couple
of police officers and a psychologist today. It was now
unavoidable and only natural that Jason be interrogated
about the attack, and they had let him go this long to
give him time to cope and heal from all that had
happened to him, but now they needed the information
before his memories began to fade. *He* had to tell the
police who had been involved in everything, at least
that's what they wanted him to do. Of course,
everybody's statements would be recorded, but it was his
statement that would be given the most attention.  There
might be many people saying that Tommy had been involved
but, after all, only the people who had been there knew
who did what for sure, and they wouldn't say anything.
Everyone else just heard the story from someone else who
had been there or from Jason. The psychologist's
interview would be important too, especially during the
interrogation process. They would use this to determine
how Jason would hold-up under the intense questioning
process, determine if he could remember what had
actually happened that day, and to judge the
truthfulness of those recollections.  Although no one
anticipated any problems with his honesty when he
recounted what had been done to him, the psychologist's
examination was deemed important to judge his emotional
state of mind.  Jason's mother really hoped they would
not be too rough on him, as she was not sure how much he
would be able to take before he broke down.

Jason looked up into his mom's face and returned her
smile, partly reassuring her everything would turn out
okay eventually. She felt somehow strange, but she did
trust his smile. This simply had to turn out well. She
wasn't sure how long her son could endure such a long
string of bad things happening to him, but her thoughts
were interrupted when he smiled at her. He *smiled*. A
look of concern crossed her face, however, when she
remembered that she'd have to tell him that two police
officers would come there to interrogate him. Jason, of
course, had noticed the change of expression on his
mother's face and he knew something bad was to happen,
something she knew about and he didn't. He had already
prepared himself for the worst, but his face still fell
as his mother told him the news.

"Jason, this afternoon two police officers will come
here to ask you a few questions...about this thing with
Tommy. And Jason...there'll be a psychologist here
also."

"Mom, I'm not sick in the head!" Tears began trickling
down his face, streaking over his cheeks and dropping
from his chin and into his lap.

"I know baby, but it has to happen. You obviously do
have some psychological scars from this, that have to be
resolved. Get up now, darling.  I'll wait downstairs and
prepare some breakfast for you."

As soon as his mother left the room, Jason's facial
expression started to change. Not that he stopped
crying, in fact he cried harder by the second, but he
was determined to definitely not tell that psycho-guy
about the real reason for his breakdown. And he wouldn't
tell the police either, that's for sure. Of course, they
only meant good, but he couldn't possibly tell them what
had happened in the hospital on that certain night or,
more precisely, on those two nights.  Actually it was
somehow his fault it had happened in the first place, no
it was totally his fault the doctor had started those
things with him. Simply by being gay and probably, no
surely, because of the way he laid there...he had
practically challenged him to do something, and it would
look rather foolish if he just told the officers about
that.  Besides...hm...whatever.

He swung his legs off the bed and onto the floor, then
he walked across his room, in the direction of the
bathroom. When he turned on the light in there, a vivid
memory from yesterday came flooding into his mind. He
almost saw himself back on the white tiles of the
bathroom floor, sitting mindlessly there. Then he
remembered seeing his mother, but from that point on his
mind went blank, really blank.  There was only a black,
dark hole. He couldn't remember anything from yesterday
afternoon and evening. The next thing he remembered was
waking up last night, after that...dream. Thinking about
the dream, he looked into the full-length mirror and his
eyes slowly wondered down his reflection, taking in the
dried cum on his chest, stomach and groin. Most of his
seed still had to be on the sheets, but some had
obviously settled on him. Hadn't there been this other
time when cum had covered his stomach? Didn't that
happen in the hospital? From...

Abruptly he turned away from the mirror and abandoned
that train of thought. He couldn't stand to see himself
anymore. And he was positive that 'bad' thoughts would
creep into his mind, and he was not sure why the
situation from yesterday wouldn't repeat itself.

He washed his body purposefully now, as he wanted to
complete this procedure as quickly as possible. No
unnecessary contacts with skin were made and once he
felt clean, and he sighed inwardly. He let the water
cascade down his body, washing away the dried evidence
of what had happened. The water kept flowing over his
head while he brushed his teeth. This seemed a little
weird to some people, including his sister, but he liked
it like that.  He enjoyed the feeling of the water as it
cascaded over him while he worked his toothbrush
feverishly in his mouth. Besides, he somehow managed to
do two things at once, and it saved him time too, so it
was only a positive.

As he finished with his shower, he grabbed a towel from
the hook near the shower-stall and wrapped it around his
hips. The water droplets pearled down his body, rolling
over his pecs and stomach, weirdly highlighting the
bruises still left over from the attack. They shone in
yellow and green, but some were still a deep purple.
They still hurt, although Jason tried not to pay too
much attention to that, and sometimes he winced from the
pain they caused him. The bruises did serve as reminder
of what had happened and seemed to belong there, and he
was already getting used to them. Maybe it was a bit of
an exaggeration, but he couldn't even seem to remember
how his body had looked before the attack, but he
nevertheless hoped he would look 'normal' again before
long.

He walked back to his room while wrapping another towel
around his head, preventing the water from dripping from
his hair and onto his shoulders. He left wet footprints
on the bathroom tiles and on the parquet floor of his
room, but he didn't even seem to notice. He hurried to
stand on the red carpet that lay in front of his bed,
because his feet were suddenly becoming cold. Standing
in the middle of the room, he discarded the towel he'd
had around his head and a few drops of water fell onto
his torso, rolled over the chest and disappeared into
the towel around his waist. He removed that towel next,
leaving him nude, and he looked down at himself, this
time clearly disgusted by who he was. It even seemed to
him that this one look into the mirror had brought all
these memories back and now he couldn't stop them. He
couldn't seem to stop himself from feeling totally ill-
at-ease with himself, his body, his mind, and what he
was. With one cruel laugh, he shook himself out of the
trance, stopped looking at his disgusting body, and he
hurried to put some boxers on before he threw on a
shirt. He quickly changed the sheets, meaning he put the
old ones into the laundry so no one would notice the
stains, but did not put on any new ones in their place.
He accomplished getting rid of the evidence of his
'sin', as he saw it...not in a religious way, but...in a
deeper, psychological way.  His thoughts were now
interrupted, when his stomach rumbled and he realized
that he was actually quite hungry, especially when he
thought about the pizza from yesterday, or rather how
little he had eaten of it. The thoughts of food made his
stomach do somersaults, letting him know that it should
receive first priority. Besides, for once it was time to
be with the family again, and he hadn't seen Tania yet.
Just then he remembered that the police officers would
be coming soon and he wondered what he was going to do.
If he told them that it had been Tommy who led the
attack, what would the police do to him?  And what about
Eric then?  Would Tommy tell the police Eric was
involved and, if so, what would they do to him?

Okay, Tommy was being an ass and all, but could he send
his best friend, well, former best friend, to hell? And
Eric? Obviously Eric liked him a bit, didn't he? Could
he just say something like 'fuck you' and send him off
too? On the other hand, it could be some tactic of his
to come there all apologetic, so he wouldn't get sent to
jail. And hey, he had hurt him, hadn't he? He had stood
there, hadn't he? And Tommy, he had punched him, didn't
he? They had sent him to hospital! He had to get a grip.
He couldn't just act out of sympathy and let them get
away unpunished, could he? They had to get what they
deserved, didn't they? But he knew for sure...

"Jason, are you finished up there, and can you come down
here for breakfast? We're waiting for you."

"Yes Mom, I'll be down in a minute."

He took the towel back to the bathroom and started
downstairs, still clad only in his shorts and shirt. His
parents were seated at the table, as was his
sister...and Mark. He nearly jumped out of his skin,
being startled at seeing Mark in his home. Nevertheless,
he smiled at all of them and took his seat on one side
of the table. His father sat to his right, his mother to
his left and Tania and Mark sat together across the
table. He knew they were no couple, as Mark was in love
with Nellie, Tania's friend, but obviously they were
really, really good friends. To have a friend like
that...

Mark looked at Jason closely, too closely for Jason's
liking? Mark finally realized that he was staring, but
he could not turn his gaze away, not until Jason rolled
his eyes at him, making him turn slightly red from
embarrassment. In Mark's eyes, Jason looked okay,
considering what he had been through, but he definitely
had a really sad, maybe even depressed, look about him.
It wasn't like he would begin to cry at any minute, it
was more like an aura of sadness surrounded him.  This
sadness had zapped the sparkle from his eye, that
rejuvenating sparkle that lit up the room when it was
there, and this whole incident had also faded that
wondrous smile from his lips, leaving only an insincere
grin.  His sadness seemed fairly obvious, although all
his actions seemed to indicate that he was pretending to
be happy for everyone else's sake. Furthermore, Mark
seemed to be the only one in the room who noticed that
Jason was not genuinely happy. Well, the others acted as
if everything was normal. Okay, he did not quite know
how they usually acted, but still, he would have
imagined the atmosphere to be a bit different than it
was now.

He knew Jason was still hurting, and he knew that Tania
was hurting as well, though she wasn't letting that show
either. She couldn't stand to see her brother this way,
or the way he had been most of the previous weekend,
while Tania had stayed at his side as the spent it
talking about the attack and about gay-bashing, in
general. Tania had been in tears a great deal of that
time, and Jason was now determined to end the suffering
of his entire family. When it was time for him to talk
to the police, he would tell them what he has seen, all
of it. Why shouldn't he? They had to get what they
deserved. They had nearly killed him, hadn't they? Mark
hadn't even made the connection between Peter's death,
because it had been classified as an 'accident', and the
rest of Jason's experiences.

Jason didn't even *know* about the accident yet, because
no one wanted to tell him, as they were afraid that news
would make him more upset and scared. Almost everyone in
town knew that Peter was gay, and maybe... They thought
it best not to consider that thought further.  Jason did
look scared enough already, anyway.  The others at the
table didn't know why Jason was suddenly like that, but
they did notice the change in his attitude.

Jason wanted to be strong, for his family's sake, and he
wanted to put Steven...and Tommy...and Eric in jail.
They had hurt him quite badly, after all. They had
*hurt* him and they had to pay! They deserved it... but
now he wasn't sure if he could go through with it. When
the police arrived here today...he knew for sure he
wouldn't say any word against Tommy (or was it still
Tom?) and Eric. Steven, however, was a whole different
story, but if he told them about Steven, but not about
Tommy or Eric...it simply wouldn't work. It was then
that he noticed Mark and saw what appeared to be a
determined look etched on his face. Yeah sure, he didn't
know what it was about or what Mark was really thinking.
Jason only knew that he might as well be dead if he
squealed on the others, but could it be any worse than
it was now? Was there still the possibility that this
was not the last of their attacks on him?  Then there
was this other thing to consider, he knew he wouldn't
survive if he lost Eric now, as Eric was the only
pleasant...you know...thing to happen to him lately and
the only good thing still left in his life. The only
thing he could think about, which did not instantly
depress his, was that Eric might care about him. Hell,
nothing else made him feel that way and he couldn't even
look at himself, much less jack off, without becoming
utterly disgusted with everything about himself.

And Tommy? He knew he could never betray him, not after
all those years of friendship. Sure, Tommy had turned on
him and all, but Jason was not like that, and Tommy
still played too important a role in his life.  Even
though he couldn't say that Tommy was still the most
important person around him, as he would have said a
week ago, because...well...now there was Eric...  Bottom
line, he knew he wouldn't accuse either Tommy or Eric,
because that would be impossible for him right now.  He
simply could not do that, it just wouldn't be possible.
If he did, he would feel guilty afterward, and he would
always hate himself for speaking out against them. This
whole situation was really weird. He shouldn't feel
strange for doing the right thing...at least it was the
right thing to do if you just looked at the letter of
the law. He was certain that his condition, as everybody
seemed to put it, would significantly worsen if he told
the police anything. He was absolutely sure of this, and
that obviously meant he wouldn't say anything, and no
one else knew about it. The other people from school,
those who had seen what happened, wouldn't say anything
either, so the police wouldn't find out anything.

"Could you pass me the butter, please?"

"Sure." Jason handed the butter to Mark, and then it
dawned on him. Mark knew about what had happened and the
way he had looked after the attack, and that's when he
realized that Mark would probably be the one to tell
all. He had seen everything. He was a witness. Maybe
what Mark had to say was even more important than [hat
Jason remembered about the attack.  After all, Jason's
memories might be impaired because of his injuries, but
Mark, no, he...he simply couldn't tell them. Jason
didn't want it to happen like that.  Mark couldn't tell
them.  He, well, he simply...wouldn't be allowed, he
couldn't. No, he just couldn't let it happen like this.

He glared at Mark, who did not even know what Jason had
been thinking about for the past ten seconds, though he
had an idea. Jason was able to hold his glare for a few
more seconds, until his mother noticed what he was
doing.  Mark had already turned slightly red again,
embarrassed from the attention he was getting from
Jason, and his hands began to shake slightly, because
the thought of what was happening bothered him. Jason's
mother sensed something was wrong and, of course,
immediately asked Jason what the problem was.

"Jason, honey, are you alright? Or do you think you'd
better go back to bed?"

"Nat, I think Jason is sick of staying in bed by now,"
his father told her, trying to help Jason out. Nearly
everyone, Mark excluded, looked at Jason's father at
once. It was pretty unusual for him to say anything at
all during a family breakfast, as he generally spent
most of his time reading the paper. That was just his
morning ritual. He grinned slightly, as if to say 'so
what?', and that little gesture broke the tension that
had been building, up to that point. Jason took that
opportunity to study the back page of the paper, at
least what he could see of it. Coincidentally it was the
page with all those funeral announcements. He didn't
recognize any names until...well, until he came across
the announcement for Peter Mac Colly's funeral.  The
color faded from Jason's face and his eyes opened wide,
a reaction similar to his going into shock the day
before. He abruptly pushed his chair back from the table
and stood. All eyes were now on him, but he only had the
obituary in mind: "Peter Mac Colly, service and funeral,
Wednesday at 3pm." He ran to the bathroom and vomited
into the toilet-bowl, while his mother rushed in and
then stood silently behind him. When he had finished
losing his breakfast, he got up, rinsed his mouth out
with some water, before he turned around to discover his
mother standing there.  At that point, he went over to
her and embraced her.

"Mom, I'm okay. This was not because of the attack.
That's the truth." She just nodded her head in
acknowledgment and then followed him back into the
kitchen.

"What was that all about?" asked Jason's father, visibly
relieved that it was no new problem arising.

"It was about Peter. I didn't know he is...dead." Jason
said with a quiet voice.

"You knew Peter?" Mark exclaimed, either positively
surprised or negatively shocked. Jason couldn't
understand what he meant by that.

"Well, I didn't really know him, until about a year and
a half ago, when our family went on that trip into the
city, to do some shopping and stuff. Well, I had just
realized that I must be...gay, shortly before that
trip..." Jason stopped right in the middle of the
sentence, aware that he had just said aloud that he was
gay to his family, for the first time.  After regaining
his composure, he continued on.  "Remember when I went
off to look for CDs?  You told me I could go, but to
meet back up with you by dinnertime, well...that's not
what I did.  I knew there was a building around there
where they had a gay youth group, and that's where I
went, just to find some information and stuff. Well,
when I got there, I discovered there was some kind of
group talk going on and, honestly, I was really shocked,
but also very interested, so I checked it out.

The guys who were there were so...I don't really know
what I had expected...but they were all pretty normal,
with a few exceptions, and well...hmm, Peter was there,
too. I was pretty surprised to see him there, but when
he saw and recognized me, he came over to me pretty
fast. I think that he realized that I looked a bit
scared, unsure, and overwhelmed by everything.  I mean,
there were all these posters on the walls and as these
different people. He took me aside, to a secluded corner
where we could sit down and talk, and then he asked me
why I was there.  After I told him that I thought I was
gay and I came to get some information, he began to help
me find what I was looking for.  Talking with him really
did ease my mind a bit, as I was pretty confused before
then, and he explained a lot to me. It's true
that...well...I have never talked to him again, after
that one time, but still he was really important for me,
you know. So, why is he dead?  What happened to him?"
Jason looked up questioningly at everyone who was there,
but none of the others dared to tell him the truth at
first. Mark was the first one to speak and, although it
was definitely not his fault that Peter had been killed,
he got a dirty look from Jason. Jason did kind of blame
him subconsciously, as Mark was the bad boy and always
in trouble, at least according to Jason's line of
thought. *He* was his enemy, he would tell the police
what Jason didn't want the police to know.  He...

"Peter was killed in an accident, although nobody's all
that sure that it really was an accident. The whole town
generally assumes that it may have been some kind of
gaybashing incident, but nobody knows who did it."

"I see." Jason replied curtly, looking away from the
others, seeming hurt and confused. He was even paler now
than he had been when he vomited, so he quickly changed
the topic.

"Why are you two not in school today?"

"The police are conducting their interrogations about
the attack at school today, and everyone has to go there
separately, according to what we were told in our
homerooms yesterday. We're to stay home until it's time
for us to talk with the detectives, and then we can go
to our classes after that, but we aren't supposed to
tell anyone else what questions they ask us or what
information we give them.  I dunno, I think it's pretty
stupid, as we could easily have done this without
missing any school, but who am I to argue with with
school officials, especially when the give us extra
free-time."

"When do you have to be there?"

"At 10, I think..." Mark looke] to Tania for affirmation
and then her nod came, just before she spoke. "...yep,
10 o'clock. So that means we have to leave like...right
about now, although we do have a few minutes to spare."

"Mark, before you go, could I talk to you, please?"

"Oh, sure." Mark looked confused and he looked around at
the others, but he followed Jason out of the kitchen and
up into his room.

"Sit down, please," Jason told Mark, when they entered
the room.

"Uhh, okay."

"Listen...umm, you know, I'm gay. And you've been
there...when...you know, when it happened. I know you
saw everything and I know you want to tell everything to
the police, and...well...I know it's the right thing to
do and all, but I beg you, don't do it."

"Jason, why?  They tried to kill you. They can't get off
for doing that." That was the moment when Jason's eyes
began watering again. He *knew* they deserved to go to
jail, but how could he explain this to another person,
that sometimes you have to act because of your feelings
and not because of the things your mind tells you?  How
do you explain that when you don't even understand it
yourself?

"Mark, don't you see, they'll go to jail then? Yeah
sure, everything will be fine for me for a while, of
course, but, come on, they're not the only ones who'd
like to see me dead. What happens when I go back to
school, but the captains of the basketball and the
baseball teams, plus one of the best basketball players,
are in jail? What will their buddies do? Do you really
think they'll accept everything happily?  Do you really
think they'll just go and be 'nice' to me and let it go
at that? Wake up, Mark. Everything will be ten times
worse than if I let them get away with this. I mean, I'm
pretty positive that I can't go through school without
being stared at or being insulted anymore, but I
honestly don't think they'll start any physical
harassment again, unless I have those guys arrested. I'm
pretty damn sure they won't do anything else like this,
so, don't...and I mean...please don't tell the police."
Jason looked at Mark expectantly, but Mark only shook
his head.

"Jason, you *have* to tell the police what they did."

"I...can't." Jason crumpled in tears, sobbing on the
carpet in front of Mark. "You can't do this to me. If
you tell the police, you...you'll totally put me on
display and I...I'll...die, I know it. They won't let me
stay alive. I feel it. Don't do this to me, Mark.
Don't."

Mark looked shocked, as he watched the sobbing boy in
front of him. He hadn't expected that reaction. First of
all, Jason was more than a year older than him and older
guys usually don't just cry like that in front of other
guys.  Second, he had expected that Jason would be all
hot about putting them in jail. He hadn't expected Jason
to think the way he did now, and, frankly, he had not
thought about that aspect of it. He had thought those
assholes would be sent to jail and that would be it.
Maybe that was the selfish way to think about it,
especially if it put Jason at risk the way he thought it
would, but it was not only Jason who was threatened
here. If he really told the police...shit, eventually he
would be on the baseball team and hmm, the guys would
surely not let it go unnoticed that he helped send their
captain to jail. Still, it wouldn't be right if he just
let them get away with this either. Isn't it even
unethical or immoral to just keep silent about something
like that?  He didn't want to keep silent about this
thing, but on the other hand he didn't want to get
beaten up...

"Mark?" Jason blurted out, trying to get his attention.
He was hoping that Mark would support him on this.

"Jason, it's not right to just not say anything,
although I understand why you're thinking of doing that.
You know as well as I do that, if they get away with
this, it might even encourage them to do it again, to
someone else. Hell, we could even be sued for not doing
anything, by their next victim."

"Mark, if you don't do this for me, do it for yourself.
Please?"

"I'll think about it." Mark stood up, turned, and left
Jason sitting on the floor. He didn't want to be cruel,
but he definitely couldn't stand to see Jason crying
like that. As he reached the doorway, Jason called out
to him.

"Please, don't do this!" He got no reply, so he sank
back onto the floor, weeping silently. He was sure that
his life would be over if Mark turned those guys in for
what they had done. He did not really think it would be
over in the physical sense, but more in how he would
have to live his life afterward. He did not really think
anyone else would dare to beat him up again, although he
definitely couldn't be sure, but he knew the harassment
would get worse, maybe to the point of being unbearable.

The emotional aspects of this situation dominated his
concerns, because he considered the psychological abuse
more difficult to deal with than any physical injuries
he might receive. Yes, Tommy had beaten him up and,
yes, Eric had done nothing to help prevent that. Yes,
he had grown too emotionally attached to them to be
objective and, yes, what they had done was wrong. No,
he couldn't change what had happened and he didn't
really want to change the way he felt about them.
They had hurt him, but still they had been, up to this
point, one of the few stable things in his life and
something that was very important to him.  Maybe Eric
was the most important person to him, even more
important now than Tommy, because Jason was so deeply
disappointed with how Tommy had turned on him and
caused him all this har. He knew it sounded weird, but
he couldn't just turn off his emotions, could he?