Date: Sun, 16 Jun 2002 17:56:52 +0200
From: m. l. <pale_new_dawn@hotmail.com>
Subject: Betrayed Love chapter 13

umm, don't read this if:

~you are younger than 18
~you are homophobic or you just generally don't like this sort of stories
~this is forbidden where you live
= that means, read if you're sure you can risk it.

thanks for editing this to jalaki. he's a good editor really.

this story is copyright by me. don't use it somewhere else without my
permission,
please.

other stories by me on nifty:

"us" posted on April 1st, 2001 (highschool) - finished
"a little lamb" last posted on June 13th, 2001 (adult/youth) - on-going

feedback appreciated. i'm doing this probably more for myself than for
anybody
else, but it's nice to know that people maybe do like what i'm writing...

to receive note of when this story (and other stories of mine on nifty) is
updated, please send an e-mail to the address below

pale_new_dawn-subscribe@topica.com

-------
!!!!NOTE!!!!
how long has it been...half a year? more than half a year, i think, eight
months maybe. i'm curious whether there are still people out there who
are interested in this story. the excuses for not having updated in this
long? some. one being that i was busy, the other being that i had to
deal with myself, but now, everything is fine. and now, i actually do have
some more time for writing. Or rather, i try to squeeze in an hour or two
everyday to get into some regular writing. so, i expect updates will follow
more often, although not necessarily only on this story....i have some other
projects in mind.

with that said, i hope you enjoy. and let's slowly turn to pleasant things
after all this ugliness in the past chapters.

dedicated to the people who appear in this chapter and who know who they
are.
--------
~~~~~~~~
~~~
~

chapter thirteen -- a walk in the park


Jason squinted his eyes as soon as he caught the first rays of the
sun. He hadn't really had the chance to enjoy any sunshine in the
past few days. Now his only worry was that Mark might say
something he shouldn't. He really hoped that Mark wouldn't talk, if
only for his own sake and not for Jason's or anybody else's. He
really hoped so. Although it might not be understandable to others,
he would feel very guilty if something happened to Eric or Tommy.
Weird, how he couldn't think of Tommy as Tom anymore, which
had been his nickname for years. Too many things had happened.
Yes. That must be it...

Jason looked around with uncertainty, trying to decide where to go,
or more precisely, where he could go and be in as little danger as
possible of being stopped and talked to. Just as he had finally
decided on a direction and had made a few tentative steps down the
street, a voice called out from his left. He cringed slightly, not due
to who it was, but because he was being talked to at all.

"Ah Jason. Good afternoon, young man. I have not seen you in a
while" said the woman from across the street. A conversation with
her, or anyone else for that matter, was really what he needed right
now. He forced a fake smile on his face and turned to her slowly.

"Good afternoon, Ms. Allan. May I help you carry those bags?"
While turning to her he had noticed the two stuffed bags she was
carrying, probably just having come from the supermarket.

"Oh yes, that would be very nice of you, son. Say, how are you
doing these days?

"Fine, Ms. Allan, just fine. And how are you doing?"

"I'm doing well, thank you. I have just received a letter from one of
my grandsons, Ryan is his name. A very good boy. He is so bright
and such a caring person. Only twelve and already wiser than I'll
ever be. He is a soccer player. Do you play soccer, Jason?"

"No Ms. Allan, I'm not really into sports."

"What a shame, I bet you would make a great player."

Jason grinned sheepishly. "Yeah, maybe."

"Well, anyway, I see I'm making you uncomfortable my dear. How
about you show Ryan around the next time he comes here on a
school holiday. I'm sure he could use a friend and I think you
would be a good friend for him. Maybe he could show you a little
soccer. You do need a little toughening up." She looked him up and
down apprehensively.

"Well, if you think so..." `If you knew about my life, you probably
wouldn't say that', Jason thought wryly to himself. Outwardly he
only smiled softly.

"Really, I think you and Ryan would get along good. Too bad that
his brother Michael does not want to come here over the summer
holidays too. The two are such an item, but he prefers to stay with
his father."

Jason grinned helplessly, thinking, `Well, how to comment on
that?'

"And if you are having doubts because of being gay, don't worry
my dear, I already know and I don't care. You are just fine, darling.
In fact, I am not sure, and he is still young, but maybe Ryan...You
know, dear, when he is here, maybe you could talk to him and give
him some advice. I only want the best for him, and I know how
hard being gay still is these days. As I mentioned though, you are
just fine, just fine."

Jason's smile got wider and he searched for appropriate words to
thank her.

"No, you don't have to thank me. I might be an old woman, you
young boy, but I am not ancient. Now get out in the sun and don't
waste more of your time talking to a gray-haired babbling woman."

"Really..."

"Shh boy, get going now." She smiled at him and indicated with
her head that he should go. Jason had a grin on his face when he
left the house, shaking his head. Ms. Allan was the one usually
spreading the gossip about everyone and everything in the
neighborhood. Behind her back, she was usually referred to as a
nutcase; and though most people thought of her lovingly; she was
sometimes called "The Dragonlady" because of her sharp tongue.
But to Jason she was only a lovely old lady. However, if Ms. Allan
had a problem with you, the whole neighborhood had a problem
with you and vice versa.

Still shaking his head, he continued on his way into the city, as that
was where he had chosen before encountering Ms. Allan. He
looked around carefully as to watch for other neighbors who might
be in their gardens. He actually thought that they'd be waiting for
him come out with their guns, but in reality he was only being
paranoid. After telling himself several times that probably everyone
was at work anyway, he became somewhat calmer, although he
was still very tense, quite different from how he had walked down
the street a week ago.

When Jason was about to pass the bus stop another decision was to
be made. He had the choice of either taking the bus and being
driven into town, or walking a bit to the nearby park. He pondered
the question for a few seconds before deciding on the park, as the
danger of meeting people was a lot smaller there. The city would
be crowded by people from his school, especially around this time
of the afternoon. Sure, the confrontation was inevitable. It would
happen sometime. If not the day when he'd go to school again, or
the day after, then maybe the next week. If he even went to school
the next week, that is. That's something that had not been discussed
before. He did want to go to school again, sure. Well, he did not
really *want* to go to school, but he really couldn't imagine living
his life basically at home or via home-schooling. He'd definitely
miss something then. Somehow, well, he really longed to see
people again. He thought that that was weird, too, in a way.
Although he wasn't an incredibly social person, he still felt sort of
lonely after having seen no one except for his family, Mark, and the
officials. He did miss having other people around him and in the
back of his mind he knew that he'd gone out to possibly see some
people. If somebody had asked him, though, he wouldn't have
admitted it, because he could not even admit that little fact to
himself.

He walked along the sidewalk, daydreaming and thinking of
everything and nothing at the same time. Of course, many of his
thoughts circled around the interrogation. Jason really hoped that
the policemen did believe him in the end; only the "Mark" factor
was still in the open now. And he probably wouldn't know the
outcome until everything was finished, and it might be too late by
then.

While thinking, Jason still tried to push those thoughts to the back
of his mind, but he couldn't quite succeed. What he found
especially annoying was that as soon as he stopped thinking about
the attack, his thoughts turned to Eric instead. Eric had been really
quite beautiful in the hospital. How he'd come in there and
apologized and just had seemed so ashamed and suddenly so
vulnerable. Smiling to himself, he thought that Eric had probably
been thinking the exact same thoughts about him. A moment later
he reminded himself that that was the exact same Eric who had
watched him get beaten up. But still, he could not push those
thoughts away. He couldn't push away the idea that maybe Eric
had thought those same thoughts; well, except for beautiful, of
course. `First of all, nobody would think of somebody like me as
beautiful, and second, in case anybody would actually entertain
those thoughts, I doubt that that someone would be Eric', Jason
thought to himself while wandering his way. `But Eric was just...'

He shook his head to clear it of all those thoughts, still smiling
though. He figured it wouldn't help him now, falling for somebody,
and falling for that particular somebody at that. Just like it was
foolish to believe that there had ever been a chance of Tommy
accepting or reciprocating his feelings. `There had never really
been a chance with him. Why can't I just simply forget about him?
He is so not worth it. Never was, probably.' He hated Tommy for
everything he had done, for the beating, for his reaction to Jason's
coming out, for telling every kid in school... His mind told him to
hate him, his mind told him to forget about him and get back to
normal. But then... There were still his emotions; as much as he
wanted to hate him, be disgusted by him, he couldn't quite bring
himself to feel it, to really feel what he was thinking. And there
was nothing that could change it. After all, Tom had been a good
friend and a caring person before all that happened. Altogether it
was rather that the situation could go back to what it had been
before all that happened. Even if they somehow became close
again, it would definitely be different.

The park looked nice. Peaceful. Like he wished it to look inside of
him; and maybe it would, if not for the black and grey clouds
hanging above everything, the dark shadow that loomed above him
and made every nice thing diminish quickly.

The sun was shining down on him and warming his black t-shirt so
much that considered taking it off; it wasn't like he would be the
only one with a naked chest, but the thought of his bruises managed
to restrain him. He wouldn't be comfortable letting people see them
and stare at him, and he guessed the people wouldn't be
comfortable either, seeing him like that. He never figured he'd be
that self-conscious. Well, he hadn't been that self-conscious before
everything, anyway. He thought it was sad, how all things were put
into categories now. How he himself put his behavior into
categories. Everything was either before or after the attack, nothing
in between. Had he changed so much because of that occurrence?
Weren't there at least a few things which had not changed?

When Jason felt his mood drop he tried to think of something else,
or as the alternative, not to think at all. To only enjoy the nature
and the park and the sun. He partly succeeded with that and
decided to go further into the park and find himself a quiet spot and
then simply sit there and maybe even relax for a while.

The sun shining through the leaves of the trees made everything
look strangely surreal and a bit like certain movies, with all the
possible shades of green and partly even yellow and orange.

Jason didn't have a clear idea where to go, but he was content to
just enjoy being out. He mainly thought of `out' in the sense of
having the air swirling around him, but for one of the first times he
also enjoyed not having to hide being gay. He didn't know whether
people were able to see that he was gay - probably not, his common
sense told him -- but he felt free and he knew for certain that he was
not in the closet to most anyone anymore. He personally had only
told Tommy about it, but by the way everything had happened, he
was certain many people were well aware of it. There would be no
more making-up lies, no more covering himself, which in itself felt
great. On the other hand, everything indeed was in the open, which
would make him vulnerable for all kinds of insults. And he didn't
yet know how to deal with everybody knowing about his personal
life.

While thinking, he had walked quite a distance and arrived in a
very secluded area of the park. There was a lake with an old-
fashioned bridge made of wood, with trees standing idyllically
around it. In the belief of being alone, he lay down on the grass,
closing his eyes and relaxing. When the sun got so hot that he felt
like he was burning up under his t-shirt, he finally decided to take it
off. He could risk it here. Nobody or hopefully at least not that
many people would come along that particular way. He sat up, took
the hem of the shirt and slowly pulled it over his head. Not daring
to open his eyes, he blindly put the shirt beside himself, laying back
again and enjoying the feeling of the sunbeams on his now-naked
chest.

He dreamed about his future. How much he'd like to have a
boyfriend and how he has never kissed a boy before. He really
hoped that his future would mean having someone to share it with.
If his future was like his past had been, he wouldn't have much
hope. But someday all things have to brighten up, right? Someday,
everybody deserves some happiness.

He almost didn't feel the tears rolling down his cheeks. He didn't
want to spend his time fearing insults and being hit everyday. But
was there an alternative, at least for the coming approximately-two
years? Was there any real solution? Could he simply leave and
never come back, leave his parents and sister, leave everything
behind here? And maybe also leave some people who could have
possibly profited from his experiences? Were there other gay boys
who were just as scared as he was? They had surely gotten a
warning from what had happened to him. Was it possible that he
could actually change things? That he could actually go out and
make people more tolerant towards others? The question was, some
people were capable of doing things like that, but was he? Was
*he* able to do things like this? Would he be able to do things like
that? He could have been killed in that attack, so was there now a
chance that he could actually fight for who and what he was and
not go back into hiding? Could he fight for [himself and for Peter
and every other insecure gay boy (or lesbian girl, for that matter)
who still was in his school?

It was his choice. He was now in a position to change things.
Would he be able to do so? He didn't know and he wasn't even
sure whether he wanted or didn't want to try it. Was the soon-to-
be-coming struggle worth some acceptance, which he most
probably wouldn't even be able to benefit from himself? Was he
going to be selfish and try to leave this place behind and keep a low
profile or would he think of others like him and fight?

"Damn," he muttered to himself. He didn't like thinking at all; he
only seemed to do it all the time. But mostly it was more of a bad
than a good thing. It made you act more on mind than on intuition
and it made you doubt intuition altogether. He slowly opened his
eyes and gazed into the blue sky above him, momentarily squinting
his eyes when they met the bright sunbeams. He looked around a
bit and stopped short when a figure in the distance caught his
attention and made him try hard to recognize who it was.
Involuntarily, his body had already responded and went into some
kind of alarmed state. He hastily grabbed his shirt and threw it on
before pausing in mid-movement. Was it really a good idea to run
from somebody? It wouldn't be. Not in case this person was
friendly; but let's be honest, it also wouldn't be a good idea to
remain if that person were hostile. Was the decision for selfish or
self-less already happening now? He didn't like that thought one
bit, but he certainly didn't like the thought of running, either. He
stood up slowly, wanting to come across calm, and again observed
the figure standing some hundred feet away from him.

Although he told himself to simply remain calm, he wasn't able to
do that. His movements were hasty, although they'd been intended
to be controlled and deliberate. He was still short of turning around
and going the other way to not meet the person. But then, maybe it
was time to face people's reactions, no matter whether they'd be
pleasant or rather unpleasant. He figured in his future life there'd
be more than enough of these encounters and he'd experience such
a situation and either reaction more than once.

So he looked around once more, checking whether he'd maybe
forgotten something on the grass. It was more a nervous reaction
than anything else, though, as he hadn't had anything with him
anyway. But it gave him more time to consider the options he had
and it gave him more time to come to the always-the-same real
options, and the only ways they could turn out. If he'd run away
now, he'd run away every other time It was either face it now or
never face it again. So he turned and looked into the direction he'd
be heading. The figure still stood motionless. He started walking in
that direction with his head high and his eyes forward and not fixed
to the ground. He thought there was no reason to cast down his
eyes. There was nothing he had to be ashamed of. That's as far as
he'd figured things out and come to sense with his being gay.

Being gay was nothing one had to be ashamed of. For him, it
wasn't something to be proud of either. It simply was that way.
There was nothing huge to present and especially in that sense he
couldn't understand why there were so many people who were high
on going around and telling everyone about their being gay. For
him it was just as private as the private lives of everyone else.
Heterosexuals didn't go around telling everyone about their
girlfriends either, so why should he tell all sort of people that he
was gay. Being gay wasn't what defined him. He was gay, but well,
there were tons of other things defining his personality.

While walking through the grass, still in anticipation of that person,
he took in the nature around him once more and a lot more
consciously than before; the green of the trees breaking through,
the flowers being in bloom and the blue sky.

Involuntarily his steps slowed the nearer he got. Shocked, he
almost stopped completely when he could make out who the person
was. It was Eric who had been standing there, probably already
having waited a while. Had it been deliberate? Had it been intended
or had he only come across Jason by chance?

Jason managed to continue his calm walk and although he was
reasonably more nervous, his head was still high, and when he
passed Eric he looked him in the eyes and saw... He saw Eric
avoiding his eyes and not even looking back at him.

It was clearly shame that made Eric study the ground. Shame
because he remembered how he himself had been standing there
during the beating. And he also remembered how he had visited
Jason in the hospital and winced; also Peter's death, which he'd
successfully tried to push far away. So he let Jason pass without so
much of a word or even a look, and felt miserable for doing so.