Date: Mon, 2 Apr 2001 19:04:05 +0200
From: Lange <lange.ruegen@t-online.de>
Subject: betrayed love - chapter nine

umm, don't read this if:

~you are younger than 18
~you are homophobic or you just generally don't like this sort of stories
~this is forbidden where you live
= that means, read if you're sure you can risk it.

thanks to Bill Watts for editing this ... I think the story would look not
too good if he didn't do it ... not that I'm convinced of my writing
ability. :) I mights add: a really huge 'thank you' to Bill as he really is
a great guy AND he suggests the chapter headings, as i never have any idea
whatsoever about that.  thanks to Silvia for 'helping' me with the story
line.

ahh yeah, my homepage is http://home.t-online.de/home/lange.ruegen
go there if you're interested in other stuff I write.

forgot about this the last time: tis story is copyright my n-c-g [that's me,
btw :-)]. All rights reserved. ... uhh, doesn't that sound dumb? :)

so ... I hope nobody is offended by this chapter and you can enjoy it and
please mail me if you like or dislike or whatever the story.

Interested in other work of mine, read "us" in gay/highschool, posted on
April 1st.

-------
!!!!NOTE!!!!

i know, i know...some great delay and honestly...this chapter sucks big
time.  i am really sorry. i hope it will get better soon again, but i had
some personal shit to face in the last month and that made writing not
quite that easy.  anyway, try to enjoy it somehow.

And, something else, my medical background knowledge is pretty poor ... so
hmmm...  correct me or tell me what i did wrong. and mail me with
some...comments or something.

--------
~~~~~~~~
~~~
~

chapter nine -  setbacks and questions

Jason really wanted to turn his thoughts to more pleasant things, such as the
happier occurrences of the weekend and his time in the hospital.  Well, more
appropriately, there was *only* one pleasant thing that happened at the hospital,
and now he thought back upon it. He never expected that Eric would show up
there. Why would he imagine that anybody who had been in the mob that had
attacked him would come to the hospital and somehow break down in front of
him.  He still couldn't believe that Eric had done so. He was one of the people
who had been at the very front of the crowd when all that happened, and maybe
he was in on the plan. Although Jason could still recall every face that was there
that day, he only vaguely remembered that Eric hadn't seemed comfortable with
the whole situation and well, he honestly was not that sure anymore whether Eric
had been among his attackers. He couldn't remember that much at all about that
afternoon, beyond the first few moments.  The rest of that day was somehow all
blurred...hmm...yeah...that's the best way to describe it.

You could say that the beating had scrambled his brain and distorted his
memories, so a lot of this didn't make sense to him.  Why would Eric visit him in
the hospital anyway? It wasn't like they were the best of friends.  Frankly, they
were not friends at all. Sure, there was the possibility that he did it out of
sympathy, but sympathy was not the same as friendship, not quite anyway. After
all, he didn't even know whether Eric somehow liked him, although the visit in
the hospital had proven that there might be something between them. Despite his
love for Tommy, he did have a crush on Eric in a way, but he still couldn't
understand why he'd reacted this...affectionate. He didn't know what had come
over him when he had petted Eric's hair, but he'd looked so really sorry and
guilty that he couldn't resist touching him.

He seemed to have a weird thing for cute guys who were crying.  First, there had
been Tommy and, when he had seen him crying, he'd fallen in love with him and
now, Eric had been crying in the hospital. Did that mean he'd fallen in love with
Eric as well? It was just...there was something magical about these moments.
You got to see the inner person, his true identity that he hid at all other times. All
the safe-guards and controls were down and you were able to look behind the
fa‡ade he had constructed to fool others. You had the chance to see that the
person was only human and vulnerable...and *so* cute. Both Eric and Tommy
had been, but no...there was Tommy again. Honestly, Eric had been way cuter
than Tommy...or was it the other way around? And he had stroked Eric's head.
He had wanted to do that to Tommy, but he had chickened out it in the end. He
had contemplated doing it while standing in front of the door to Tommy's room
and he'd *had* the time to plan how he would do it. With Eric there had been no
planning, it was all spontaneous. He had just...done it. What did *that* mean
now? Life was heavy.

He couldn't believe what had happened during these few past days.  It was
altogether something people didn't usually have to experience throughout their
lives and for him it had been in such a short period of time. If only it would have
never happened. If only he could go to school again without having to fear being
beaten up or stared at. He wanted to think if only he hadn't told Tommy, but his
mind successfully blocked that thought. It had been the right decision to tell him,
he still believed that. The fact that Tommy had, in turn, told the whole school
about it was not that perfect, but it hadn't been in his power to control it
anymore.

Being bored just sitting there thinking, he decided to grab a slice of pizza and
some chocolate. He did love chocolate, but he was not all that hungry. Weird. He
should have been, as the hospital food was not *that* good, but you can't force
certain things, can you? So, out of boredom he began drawing imaginary lines
with his finger on his belly. These movements gradually excited him and the
more excited he became, the nearer he got to his pubic hair and penis. When he
first touched his member, the memory of the doctor's touches flooded his mind
and a feeling of nausea overcame him. He threw back the cover, nearly jumped
out of the bed and was just in time to hurl in the toilet bowl, and not vomit all
over the floor. He dry heaved for another 15 minutes, after he finished spewing
his guts, before collapsing on the tiles next to the toilet. As the time passed, he
felt the cold of the air-conditioned room creeping up his naked legs and torso. He
shivered, but did not find the strength to get up or to move anything at all. He
was in the same state he had been in after his first incident with the doctor. He
was in shock. His body didn't belong to him anymore. Neither did his mind. He
couldn't think straight. His mind was totally blank.  No productive thoughts, or
should we say no thoughts at all, were produced. It simply just was.

Jason was in a dream-like state. Cold sweat soaked his boxers and made them
cling to his body. He was sickly pale and sweat dripped from his brow and nose,
from his nipples and boxers, from nearly every other part of his body. His eyes
were wide open, as was his mouth, but he saw nothing and no sound came out.

He never was quite unconscious, but his mind switched on and off continually.
He never completely went into shock, but his system began to shut down, he was
emotionally out of it, and his mind was absolutely blank. He had no feelings of
any kind for quite some time. He couldn't tell how much time had gone by or
how long it would be before his mother would come home. He had no control
over his body and his senses were numb, so he wasn't really aware of how cold
his body had become. It just was the way it was. It was as if he knew no other
feeling besides the emptiness in his soul. He didn't even think it was so horrible
to sit there like that. It wasn't until his mother's screams echoed off the white
bathroom tiles, that he recognized that something had to be really wrong with
him or with the situation.

His mother tried to drag him to his feet, but Jason didn't even attempt to move
even a little bit. She couldn't even manage to pull him off the ground one inch
and then she began to wonder if she should move him at all.  She decided to
leave him where he was, before she began to collapse herself.  She started to
panic now, seeing her son like this, but she realized she had to control her fear or
she would be no help to Jason at all. She then went to the phone and dialed her
husband's number.  She nearly yelled at him through the phone. He promised to
come home immediately, after seeing what condition his wife was in. In the
meantime, Jason's mother went back into the bathroom, sank down next to Jason
and tried to wash the mess from Jason's body. It was a desperate attempt to calm
her own nerves, but she didn't succeed at that though. She knew it was some kind
of shock reaction. It had to be. She only wondered why it happened now. One of
the main reasons why Jason had had to stay in the hospital for four days was that
doctors had wanted to observe him in case he would go into shock, his body's
way of dealing with the attack. When nothing had happened over those four
days, they had said something like they couldn't tell now when or if the shock
would set in. The greatest chance of that happening had been shortly after the
attack, but it still could have been months until he'd have fully realized what had
been going on. Obviously, it had not taken months.

Should she call an ambulance now, to get him into the hospital? She decided to
wait for her husband to arrive first and then they would decide together what was
the best solution. She grabbed the washcloth again and wiped Jason's head while
talking to him in a soothing voice. There was no reaction at all from Jason and
she did become slightly worried now, no, let's stay honest, she became terribly
worried. Fortunately Jason's father entered at that moment and took in the
situation at once, although he got quite a shock too, when he saw Jason.

He had left him feeling quite good, hadn't he? Or was it maybe his fault? Should
he have called a doctor when he had noticed that Jason had seemed depressed?
But he had assumed that it had been only a normal and natural reaction. He had
even asked for chocolate and had seemed fine. Why was he suddenly like that?
What had happened that made the shock set in? These questions were not at all
that important though. It was important now that Jason would get into bed before
he possibly caught a cold or something similar on the cold tiles. Who knew how
long he'd lain there on the floor.  But were they even allowed to move him?

"Nat, do you think we should carry him to his bed?"

"I don't know. I know that I can't help you carry him, but maybe we shouldn't
move him at all. Shall I call a doctor?

"Yes, I think it's the best solution. At least we'll know what's going on then. We
would probably do something wrong and only worsen his condition. You make
the call and I'll fetch a blanket in the meantime."

Jason's mother did call the doctor and she surprised herself that she could make it
through the conversation without her voice breaking. Jason's father fetched a
blanket and took the spot his wife had left vacant next to Jason. He wrapped the
blanket around his son and held the shivering boy tightly to his own body. Why
did it have to be Jason? He had never done anything to anybody. He had always
been a good friend to everyone. It was not fair. Jason's being gay was the only
thing that had made people do this, to beat him this badly. Sure, it was not
Jason's fault that he was this way and it was nothing he wanted to change, but
still, it is a fact that nothing would have happened if Jason was heterosexual. No,
that was not an option and it wouldn't change anything by considering it. They
had to deal with reality and the present situation, and not with some imaginary
situation. Still, he did not want Jason to go through it. Life was tough enough
without those extra problems Jason had now, but on the other hand it may be
even better that everything was in the open now. Jason could now be who he was
and what he was, but he was glad that his son didn't seem to be one of those gays
[who liked to wear] dresses and make-up. Right now he only seemed really
scared, although there was not really a reaction, but somehow it wasn't the vibes
his father got from Jason.

He gently stroked the boy's hair and pushed it out of his eyes. It had been really
long time since he'd seen Jason like that. True Jason had always been a sensitive
child, but lately he had not quite shown that side of himself to his parents.
Teenagers. When he had been younger, he had been a child who would begin to
cry, even if it was someone else who had been teased or hurt, and Tommy's
rejection must have been the most terrible thing in his young life. It must have
been crushing. Yes, it definitely had been crushing, considering the condition
Jason was in now. How had this happened to his poor boy. He kissed him lightly
on the forehead and held him a little tighter, somehow rocking him back and
forth. Jason's mother entered the bathroom again and kneeled in front of Jason
embracing him from there until they heard the bell downstairs. She went
downstairs and let the doctor in.  He'd been taking care of her family for years
now, and he talked to her briefly, as they stood at the bottom of the stairs.

"Do I understand it correctly that you don't quite know the reason for this
reaction of his?"

"Well, the only reason I could think of would be the attack he experienced a few
days ago. I'm sure you have heard about it. The doctors have told us that the
immediate risk of him slipping into shock was over and he could leave the
hospital this morning. We were told that it was only a slight possibility that the
shock could set in now, or in days, weeks, months, in soe cases even years from
now."

"I must say, there's not *that* much I can do and, as long as he is not
unconscious, there is now immediate reason to send him back into the hospitae. I
don't really think that either of you want that to happen anyway, do you?  Let's
go upstairs and I'll give him an injection that will keep him calm and will make
him sleepy, so he'll get a bit of rest.  About the reason for his going into shock,
he'll probably have to see a psychologist about that. I know a few good ones and
can give you their names and addresses later."

"The doctors in the hospital said something similar and it would be really nice if
you could give us a few names." The two went up the stairs. The doctor analyzed
the situation pretty quickly and his assumption was proved right.

"Mr. Matthews, you will have to carry him to the bed, I'm afraid."

"Yes, we have thought about that, but my wife and I both have been scared
moving him would be the wrong thing to do, so we waited for you."

Jason's father cradled the still dazed boy in his arms, carried him carefully back
to his room, and laid him down on the bed, lovingly pushing the hair from
Jason's forehead once more. His wife silently watched this tender scene, and was
wiping her eyes with a tissue. How could it have come this far? A week ago
Jason had been a happy seventeen year-old, at the beginning of his life, and now
you wouldn't have been surprised to hear him talk of committing suicide.  He
hadn't done so though. They had been by his side in the hospital, but there he had
uttered no words indicating he wanted to die. There had been desperate words,
but there had never been any which indicated total hopelessness. Had that set in
now? Did he now think about suicide? He looked so unnatural, the way he lay on
his bed. In the hospital he had looked so peaceful although his medical condition
had been far worse that it was now. Still, he looked so bad.

The doctor injected some clear fluid into Jason's veins and almost from the
second it entered his system, his face and limbs lost the tension they had held.
His body relaxed completely and his eyes closed, leaving the impression of a
sleeping teen. Jason's mother closed the curtains and the room was robbed of its
light immediately. She then joined her husband and the doctor, who were
standing in front of the door, and talked.

"I can't say for sure that he won't go back into shock again, but I think it's safe.
You better call me though when the police arrives tomorrow, so I can give Jason
another injection.  He'll maybe need one then. Here are the names and addresses
of some really good psychologists."

"I'm sure we will call you and thanks."

The doctor left and once more the parents kept standing in the hall and searched
each other's faces for reactions to the recent happening. Jason's father closed the
distance of five feet between them and took his wife into his arms, stroking her
hair and whispering soothing words into her ear. This was not easy for anyone in
the family. It was definitely not easy for Tania. It had been really hard for her to
go through the school and to know that the people she had classes with could
have been the ones cheering Tommy on - that's what Jason had told her anyway -
to hurt her brother. It was clear that it was hard for Jason, no questions asked.
Everybody could imagine it was hard. Well, nobody can fully know what it's like
without having experienced it themselves, but he couldn't easily forget about it
either.  The whole situation was also hard for the parents. They accepted Jason's
sexual orientation, that was for sure, but they'd been thrown into the cold water
without having the chance to test its temperature beforehand. And they didn't
know how to actually *help* Jason. They could tell him again and again that it
was perfectly okay and no problem for them, but there was not much more they
could do.  Other than reassuring him and supporting him morally, Jason was
pretty much on his own. 'As cruel as it may sound', thought Jason's father after
analyzing the situation, that was the best he could do.

Jason's mother had made the same analysis, but she did not take it as calmly as
her husband. She wriggled out of his grasp, went up the stairs into Jason's room,
sat by his side, and held his hand, as the tears streamed down her face and fell
onto their joined hands. Why did it have to be Jason to experience all of this?
Why not someone else, but she knew herself that those were cruel and unfair
thoughts and that *they* had to live with the situation now. Especially Jason
would have to live with it.

Jason seemed peaceful just then, and there seemed to be nothing he was
concerned with at that moment. He did not feel his mom's touch and he did not
think about anything consciously. He did dream though.  He dreamt he lay in bed
just the way he did, but he felt that in his dream he was not alone in the room.
His assumption was proven right when a body joined his on the bed and lay on
top of him and kissed him. He was relieved that it was not that doctor, but...it
was Tommy. Tommy was in his dream and kissed him? It couldn't be him, but
obviously...hmm...no...that face faded now and it faded into...Eric's. Now it was
Eric kissing and caressing him. Eric?  But it was not clearly Eric. It turned from
Eric's into Tommy's and back again continually and Jason did not quite know
who was whom until the body seemed to part in the middle and there were both
boys separately. Clearly. Well, as clear as it can be in a dream. And both boys
were touching him and loving him until suddenly Tommy disappeared and Eric
was left on the bed.

He felt Eric's lips on his and his face slowly moving downwards licking and
playfully biting his nipples making him writhe in ecstasy on the bed. Eric's hands
too, went to work and began to slowly touch and caress his inner thighs moving
higher with each stroke until he caressed Jason's penis and balls making him
moan in pleasure. Jason threaded his hands into Eric's hair and pushed his head
down. Eric happily complied and first licked around the head of Jason's member,
lapping up the liquid that oozed from the tip savoring every drop of it. He would
have kept to that if Jason hadn't forcefully pulled his hair and made him swallow
his cock.  He slowly engulfed it and worked his tongue along the shaft, bathing it
in his saliva and also dripped down his chin and onto Jason thighs. He bobbed up
and down on the penis and heard Jason's groaning below him. Jason's penis
expanded one last time...and he woke up. First he lay unbelieving under the
cover and slowly felt around his groin area. There was a pool of cum there.  He'd
had a wet dream.  About Eric. Shit.

Groaning, he laid back again and the cum-soaked blanket settled on his body.
The dream had been so intense, so real, but what did it mean?  Dreams always
have a meaning, don't they? Well, the last part maybe meant that Eric did mean
something to him and that was true...of course. At least he was somehow sure
now...Yes, he had thought about it for quite some time and, yes, he was sure
now. The question left was what it meant when the body seducing him split into
two and when both boys had been seducing him. Did that mean that he had
feelings for both boys or that he *had* had feelings first for Tommy, then for
both and now for Eric? Well, it could be possible.  Maybe, but was it useful to
think about it? Maybe he should rather just let it pass without paying too much
attention to it.

He was not sure he could do that though. He always thought about everything
entirely too much and it somehow spoiled his life in a way. There is always the
possibility to think too much about things, to only confuse yourself by all that
thinking and to simply spoil your way of life. But what would he have done if he
had been naive about it? He probably would have told Tommy very shortly after
he figured out he was in love with him and Tommy would either have beaten
him then or he would have accepted it.  Of course, acceptance was not a bad
thing, but it sadly was not the thing that most likely would have happened. The
more probable thing to have happened was surely the beating and it would have
been worse. That was pretty clear to him now because , first of all, he would
have been younger (it was only a year, but so what?), but would it automatically
have been worse then? And the second reason, Tommy had been crueler a few
years ago, at least that was the way it seemed to him now. There would not have
only been his physical strength to deal with, but also weapons, such as knives
etc. Tania had told him about that, but he had refused to believe it. A certain part
of his mind still did, but the main part did believe it now. If he remembered
correctly, he had seen one of these army knives in Tommy's room, but his mind
had not wanted to make the connection between the two facts. So much about
thinking too much about things. Seeing the pros and cons, maybe it was good to
think in depth about things.

Shaking his head, he grinned to himself. It was only possible to have these kinds
of thoughts when you've got some drug flowing through your system. It was
hilarious. It was just then that he noticed his mom next to his bed and holding his
hand. She was obviously asleep, but she didn't look very relaxed. She did look
worried and somehow like she was in pain, the way she sat on the chair next to
his bed. In pain - not physical pain, at least he didn't think it was physical - it was
most likely caused by emotional stress or mental anguish.  He was sorry to put
her, his dad, and his sister through all this crap. He'd never wanted any member
of his family to be hurt by something like that. It was his fault that everybody
seemed to feel so bad. In general, he did not regret telling Tommy, even after the
attack and so on, but he regretted how much he'd indirectly hurt his family. It
was not what he had wanted[.] It had been even one of his - admittedly minor -
reasons for not telling Tommy in the first place, but now it even seemed to him
like he was searching for excuses in vain. And it was a useless act. He couldn't
change anything by analyzing it. He would only make it worse by doing so. That
was for sure. Plus, he had become tired by now. Maybe the injection was better
than he had thought. Maybe there was...

Before he could think that thought completely through, his eyes closed and he
drifted off to sleep, awaking only when his mom moved for the first time the
next morning.