Date: Thu, 19 Jun 2008 13:01:03 -0700 (PDT)
From: Blake sanders <blake_sanders_1999@yahoo.com>
Subject: "Coming Out Within the Hurt" Chapter 1 "Old Days" BB

AUTHOR'S NOTE: THIS IS A 100% FAKE, MADE UP, AND COMPLETELY UNTURE
STORY. THERE IS NO SEX IN THIS STORY IF THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR,
FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO READ. IT DOSE HAVE GAY CONTENT WITH YOUNG BOYS. IF
THIS IS SOMETHING THAT IS ILLEIGEL FOR YOU TO READ STOP NOW.  THE NAME OF A
WEB SITE MALESUVIVOR.ORG IS A REAL SITE THAT HELPS WITH HEALLING OF ABUSE
FOR MEN, BOYS, FRIENDS AND FAMILIES OF SURVIVORS, HOWEVER THE EVENTS THAT
HAPPEN ON THE SITE IN THIS STORY ARE FAKE. THE SITE IS LISTED HERE FOR
THOSE OF YOU THAT NEED HELP DEALING WITH CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE. THIS STORY MAY
NOT BE COPIED FOR ANY REASON WITHOUT WRITEN PROMISSION FROM THE AUTHOR.

WITH THAT SAID ENJOY!

P.S. Please feel free to email me about what you think of the story. I
would enjoy hearing from you. Flamer will not be read.


		       "Coming Out Within the Hurt"
			     By: Kirk Gilbert
			      Copyright 2007

Chapter 1 "Old Days"

I never fully understood a thing in my life. I don't think I ever thought
about life. I would see people doing their own thing, and never put one
second of my brain power into it. Kind of like in a movie where we have the
perfect family, live in the perfect town, and that is in the perfect world.

 I am just a run of the mill average kid, or so I think. I have short brown
hair and dark brown eyes. I weigh 85 pounds, and for a thirteen year old
teenager, at five foot nothing I guess I am average, at least around the
people that are my age that I hangout with anyways. I don't think I'm so
smart, at least so says my grades in school, although I never really
applied myself in school or at least as much as I guess I could have. I
know what I have to do just to pass and still not get in trouble at home,
and keep my teachers happy at the same time.

Oh, my name is Justin Andrew Dolton or the class clown as Mrs. Barnes, my
math teacher says, I just love her... not! Really I almost never get in
trouble other than not paying attention in class, or like talking to, Cody,
in math, history, and English. Now I do have a solid "c" average in school
and that is good enough for everyone. I like Monument Middle School, and if
I could say the same about the entire student body then life would be
perfect. Ha, just kidding. I have a few guys my age that I like hanging
with before and after school and everyday at lunch. I hang with Cody,
Tommy, Jeff, Ste, Will, and Ivan who all live within one or two blocks from
my house. What can I say, but it's a small town.

I have a half sister somewhere out in the world. I only knew her when I was
just a small kid growing up. When I was around three or four she left our
house and I never saw her again. The only thing I know about her is her
name is Carry and she works for the U.S. Navy. I am still looking for her
even if my mom and dad are not. I think she was wanting to changer her
name, and she might have gotten married. I want to at least get to know her
and maybe find that I have someone I can be close to in the family.

Going to school is most always a drag, or should I say I drag my feet. I
live right behind my school so I can't drag my feet enough, but what kid
likes school? For me it is more of a social activity for me. Ok, so I do
learn in school, and that will help me at some point in my life. But, I
don't see how knowing that some King's tomb was raided by grave robbers is
going to help me in life, and help me when I get married and have kids.

Sunday in my house is not the best of day of the week. My family is not
what you would call church going people, well at heart anyways. My mother
goes to show off to the other people there and makes it a point to talk to
everyone. That is fine with me, because she leaves me alone and mainly just
forgets I am even there. I guess that is a good thing too. I don't have to
be used, just to make her look good to everyone, and I get time to myself.

Now I was told by my mother, my dad used to be this really out going guy. I
simply can't believe her, because he even drinks alone. At church is the
only place he would have any friends, but he just sits off to himself and
picks his fingernails and drinks his coffee. Sometimes I think he doesn't
like anyone, because even if someone does come over to talk to him, he just
says "Yes." Or "No." and goes on just sitting there. Maybe this church
thing isn't so bad for me. After church my mom talks to everyone and finds
out where they are going for their Sunday meal. At least that's what I have
always guessed, because we always eat with people from church. Now there is
a time I just can't stand on Sunday's. If they go to the wrong place then
the rest of the day at home will be hell. But, today we wound up at
Saturday's, a hamburger and ice-cream place my family always eats at almost
everyday if not two times a day. What? My mom likes it,
 and I guess I'm ok with it too.

Now when we got home I knew that my day could begin. I put on my old
clothes and headed for the door to walk to Cody's house, but didn't make it
out of the yard that mother said I had to cut. I knew it would not take to
long so I said "heck might as well hurry and get it done." About an hour or
so later I was putting the last bag of grass in the trash. I dusted myself
off and made a flying leap to the side gate to go to Cody's house. When my
mom opened the window to inform me I had to take out the trash. I could
only tell her "Ok."

I gathered up all the trash and put it into one big black trash bag.  I
rushed out and around the house to put it in the main trash can behind our
house. Our back door is broken and has not opened for over three years. Dad
keeps saying he will fix it next week, or at the first of the year, or in
summer when he has more time, or in November when the wind is not blowing
so hard or in April when we get our tax money in., or let's just say the
list goes on and on.

I finished making sure the gate was locked on my way around the front of
our house, when my mother came around meeting me that the corner of
house. She just told me I needed to do the dishes, sweep and mop the
kitchen, clean my room that I had cleaned before we went to church, pick up
the living room, dust everything in every room of the house, and vacuum
every room before I went anywhere. At that I knew I was not going anywhere
all day.

I finished everything on the list and everything mother kept finding for me
to do by nine that night. I didn't even try for the door. I sat in my room,
on the floor, day dreaming. I thought it would be nice if I ran away and
lived in the wild just outside of some town. I could work for people doing
stuff around there house and get paid for it. Then I would have the money
to get my own place and see people I know when I want to. I guess this made
me feel somewhat better, because this is how I fell asleep.

I must be related to Garfield, because I hate Mondays. I woke up late that
fall morning. It's a good thing it doesn't take me long to get ready. I lay
in bed and when my alarm goes off I just hit the snooze again and again. I
must have hit it five times to many. I only had thirty minutes to get up,
get ready, and get to school. Within fifteen minutes I had taken a quick
shower, I grabbed my backpack and just as I hit the door when a voice sent
shivers down my spine, scaring me.

"Hold it right there!"

I was caught dead in my tracks by my mom.

"What?" I said softly in a tone as to say; what did I do wrong!

"Did you forget something?"

I thought for a few seconds or until I knew I better say something or I
would really get it. So in the end I just shook my head that I had no clue
what I had forgotten. I knew I would hear what it was one way or another.

"One your lunch money you were to ask for last night before you went to
bed. Two don't think for a second you're going to get out of
breakfasts. Three your singed report card that you don't seem to care
about. And I am guessing you are too ashamed of me to give me a good bye
kiss, for your mother that had to raise you."

"Oh, sorry and I'm not hungry."

"Here is a Pop-Tart, your lunch money, and report card. Now where is my
good bye kiss?  Why do I have to always remind you to do everything? Can't
you think of anyone besides yourself?"

I wisely didn't answer the questions. If I had I would have missed the
whole day at school, if not the entire week. Not that I wouldn't mind
missing school, but at the cost of having to listen to my mother going on
and on about how I never do anything right...no thanks. I just said thanks
and got out of there as quick as I could. I knew I would hear about it when
my dad got home that night so I didn't argue with her. I never do. I did
what I always seem to do and put the whole feeling of worthlessness and
being the worst person in the world deep within my head so I would not have
to deal with it anymore.

After getting her red lip junk that was all over my face from her. I spent
the time getting it off on the way to school. I didn't want too have to
hear about that as well as other things from the mad pack of bullies at
school, which I knew just liked picking on me for fun. I walked up the
steps, in the front of the school main building, to see the mad pack as we
called them. All five where there waiting for me, there was the leader of
the pack Johnny Winton and his followers Alex Stone, Mike Hedrick, Billy
Alexander, and Jimmy Owen. For the most part Alex and Jimmy never messed
with me unless one of the mad pack members was within ear or eye shot. The
others would give me hell on sight.

I made it to my first class late and received a dirty look from
Mr. Dutchman my English teacher. He really didn't care if we were five to
ten minutes late, because he spends at least ten minutes getting his notes
together and taking role. Cody gave me a worried look as if wanting to know
what happened to me. I simply gave him a look like nothing happened and
then I mouthed "mom".  He rolled his eyes and we then got the long boring
class talk that was ever so planned for us. I wonder if Mr. Dutchman
planned it so it would put us to sleep, or make us wish we could sleep
through it.

Mr. Dutchman was a loud talking teacher. The kind that when called, on
sends shivers running down your spine. The cool part is each person reads a
paragraph from the text book. Well it's cool until I have to read. I keep
count so I know witch one I will be reading, so I can read it in advance
and get it right not that I'm a good reader. Now this does give me the
chance to draw or daydream or in some cases sleep.

The bell for first hour to end rang waking me up from a light nap. I
followed Cody to math class without a word. I was trying to think of the
best way and what words to use when I talked to him. I didn't want him to
take what I said the wrong way or make him think I didn't want him around
me anymore, because I did want him to hangout with me, and thought about
how nice it would be if he were my friend. I knew I would not be able to
talk to him in math because Mrs. Barns, our math teacher, didn't allow any
talking in class. Cody had science for his third class and I had
Mrs. Miller for computer lab. I hate learning to type. I do better just
plucking at he keys like I am right now. The next time I would see Cody
would be at lunch.

I went to math class with a feeling of worthlessness in my life. I was not
good at math, in fact I hated it. I would be called on to come to the front
of the class to race doing a math problem on the board. Most of the time, I
did the math problem wrong, or was last to finish the problem wrong. Ok,
let's be a little more honest. I almost never finished the math problem,
because I would freeze up and my mind would blank out. I have never been
one to like being in front of any sized group. The only thing I wanted was
to melt into the background and not be seen. I couldn't wait to get out of
math, although I didn't want to go to computer lab.

I showed up in Mrs. Miller's class for computer lab with time to mess
around on the computer. I tried to get online, but the computers had a
password protected account. It's not that I could have done anything
anyways. Everything we do online at school is watched, and I didn't want to
be called into the office for going to my favorite web site. Now I don't
mind Mrs. Miller one bit. She is not nice but she is not mean to me. She
leaves me alone for the most part, but still helps me when I need it. I
don't think she likes me much because I'm not on a sports teem and I am not
the best student in the world, but she's ok for a teacher. I just can't
wait till I get to lunch when I'm in her class. When the bell rang I almost
tripped trying to get out of my seat so fast and get to the lunch room.

I walked into the lunch room and could see Cody and Ste at the table. Will
was making his way to the table. Standing in front of me a little ways in
the lunch line was Tommy and Jeff. Like most of the time Ivan brought his
own lunch to save his money for Friday's get together after school. Man,
could he spend money on games or should I say he just couldn't win while
playing the games. I never win so I just give up or not even try to play
them. I grabbed a Root Beer and sat down with the gang and Ivan joined us
soon after. We where talking about everything that meant nothing to anyone,
including us. Who was going out with whom, what teacher was the hardest,
who got in trouble, and in what class, who said what, and so on. I mostly
just listened to the other guys talk. I never really know what to say, but
I still put my two cents in every now and then.

"Justin?" Ivan yelped at me while shaking my arm.

"What?"

"You were staring off into space again."

"Oh, was just thinking is all. No biggie."

"You must have a lot to think about!"

"Why is that?"

"You are always off in space."

"Oh." Oops! Busted!

"So what were you thinking about?"

"It's nothing don't worry about it."

"You sure?"

"I said I'm fine."

"Ok then! I'm sorry."

"It's not you, Ivan. I just don't feel much like talking about it."

"It's cool. I have those days too."

The mad pack was nice enough to remember us. By paying us a visit by
slapping the back of my neck and taunting us with virus insults as they
pasted by. Johnny made it a point to push my soda off the table and in to
my lap, to look cool to the rest of his pack. I managed to get half of it
cleaned up when some napkins seemed to fall from above my head, scaring me
at first. I snapped my head around with eyes squinted to see who it was. It
was a kid I have only seen now and then, and even seen in a few classes I
have. His name was Kevin and that was about all I knew about him. After
dropping the napkins on the table in front of me he just walked off without
a word, while taking one last look over his shoulder. I was like "Ok,
ah... thanks and bye" even though I knew he would not hear me, not that I
said it loud enough for even the guys at my table to hear.

"God, what a freaking jerk!" Cody said with the anger boiling in his veins.

"It's ok, it's only root beer. I always said I wanted to swim in it!" I
said making the gang laugh. Well, all but Cody.

The rest of lunch went on like normal, other than looks from Cody every now
and then. We ate our lunch and talked about what games we were going to
play, or lose in my case, on Friday. What levels we where going to try to
beat, and so on. Ste and I took the time to do some last minute home work
that we put off. I knew I would not get it all done, but I still got most
of it done. That would give me at least a 70 or 75. As I tried to finish my
homework I also tried to talk to Cody, but he kept saying later or he was
talking to one of the other guys at the table.

On the way to my PE class with Couch Hughes, I stopped Cody in the hall.

"Hey! What's up with the looks during lunch today? I tried asking you about
it at lunch, but you don't want to talk to me!"

He shook his head and told me "I'll talk to you later."

It left me feeling like I had done something to him or I had said something
wrong that had up set him, but I couldn't think of what it could be that I
had said. Maybe I shouldn't have asked him about the looks? I spent the
rest of my classes wondering what could be bothering Cody. I didn't think
it could be the first hour thing or he would have talked to me, or would he
have? It may have been the Mad Pack and the joke I made, I thought. Cody
dose not get bothered very often, but when he dose he most always has a
good reason.

It was hard to listen to Mr. Black in history and think about what was up
with Cody. I couldn't even draw or take a quick nap.  We had to take notes
from the overhead projector. I knew that taking notes meant only one thing,
a test tomorrow. "Great, just want I need another test to worry about."
Mr. Black did surprise us though. The test was held just after we finished
taking the notes. I was not reading what I was writing, just copying it to
study later. I know I failed the test before I ever marked the first
answer.

I some what took my time going to my locker to get my book for science
class with Mr. Grant. I had a lot on my mind and I just wanted to get out
of here so I could get home and zone out my mind so I could maybe think
better. Johnny and Mike caught me in the hall and started their normal
everyday taunting with me. It started with just name calling and I knew
what was coming so I didn't even bother to fight back. After I received a
few crushing blows to my ribs and some to my legs and back. I continued to
my locker.

I got my science book and made sure I had everything I needed to take home
with me for homework. I didn't want to have too come back to my locker
before I left for the day. I made sure to put everything I didn't need to
take with me back into my locker for the night, when I was tapped on the
arm by a girl that had a locker next to mine.

"Hey Justin, you got something on your face."

"What is it?"

"Don't know, but it kind of looks like blood. Maybe you should have the
nurse check it out."

"Ok, thanks."

"While you're at it see if you can get in to see a plastic surgeon you look
like something my dog pooped five weeks ago." She said laughing as she
walked away.

I didn't even respond to her. I went to the restroom to see how bad the
damage was. It was not that bad, but I knew it was going to take a while
for me to get the bleeding to stop. I made sure I didn't get any blood on
my shirt. I did have another shirt in my back pack just in case I needed to
change my shirt again from getting blood on it. After I was sure I was all
cleaned up, I headed to my class.

Mr. Grant in science was not much different. Not that me drawing was making
it easier to listen in class, but that's what I do when I think, I draw or
smoke Marlboro Reds, or Reds as I like to call them. Being I was in class
that tends to keep me from smoking, so I just get some paper and something
to draw with and start drawing away. I never keep anything I draw, because
it all sucks anyways.

The last bell of the day went off and the gang met on the side of the steps
in front of the school. Cody was there early. This was unusual for Cody
being he always got there about five minutes after I did on most days. At
first I was not sure if he wanted to beat the crap out of me, witch I would
have just let him, or if he was just going to yell at me and then tell me
to get lost.

"So, what's up with this morning, that's not like you to be late?" he asked
like I had just blamed being late on my mom to get him to leave me
alone. "You know you can tell me anything. What is it?"

"I just woke up late and then my mom caught me at the door, that's all
dude. It's no big deal, really!" I said getting angry feeling I was not
being believed. "If something major happened, you know you would be the
first to know dude. Besides, you wouldn't let me live it down if something
did happen that I didn't tell you about" I said in a half joking way trying
to lighten the situation. Cody just smiled and shook his head as the rest
of the gang started sprinkling in from all directions.

"I'll call you later tonight and we'll talk about this some more." Cody
said, still not satisfied at what I had said.

"Ok, what ever!" I said in just that kind of tone.

He only calls half of the time. I think that the times Cody doesn't call,
when he says he will, is when he has had time to rethink things and
therefore doesn't call. Not only that, but every time I get a call my mom
asks a million and a half questions and or she bugs us on the phone till we
just get fed up say "Later!" and hung up the phone. Sometimes it's just
easier to talk to the people I know in person.

Jeff and Ivan came up to us at the same time and just gave us a worried
look. Then they looked at each other and burst out in a mad laughing fit
that Cody and I thought would never end. Soon after that Tommy and Steven,
or Ste has he like to be called, showed up asking what the hubbub was all
about. We hung out there for a while and then headed our own ways. I got to
the house to find my dads car in the drive way and thought to myself, "Oh
no. This can't be a good thing. He never gets home till around nine."

I had walked in and before I had the chance to shut the door behind me, my
dad asked. "Do you want to tell me why you are hurting your mother again?
We go over this over and over with you Justin and you never seem to learn."
Wow, he was angry and my mother was in the chair at the dinning room table
crying.

"I'm sorry. I know it's my fault. I just...."

"I don't want to hear it. Get your ass to your room NOW!" He yelled with
all the anger any demon could have from the depths of hell.

I sat in my room that night till I received my punishment. My mom and dad
argued for most of that night. I don't know about what all, but I knew it
was about me and I caused it. I did sneak down to grab a sandwich from the
fridge, and I heard some of the fighting going on across the hall form my
room. In the end I knew my dad was gone, but so were days and nights of
hell.

I wanted to call Cody that night, but thought it best not to even try. If
he didn't call then I would talk to him tomorrow at school. Not having a
dad did bother me, but I knew where to go to just unload and try not bottle
things up like I have always done. I sneaked into the guest bedroom that
was next to my room, and headed to the computer and got online and chatted
at my favorite web site, which has posts and a chat room.

When I got in to the chat shiver_boy was the only one there. Downandout is
my nick name at the site and we chatted on for hours but he helped me a
lot, even though his parents had never split. At one point it did get kind
of tense, but in a good way. I have been talking to him for about a year or
so and we are the same age.

.....

downandout: that's why I got in trouble again

shiver_boy: did your dad do the same as last time

downandout: yes he did it again but it didn't hurt much more

shiver_boy: you need to tell someone what he did

downandout: I don't think that will help now that he is gone

shiver_boy: what if he comes back dude?

downandout: if he says he is not coming back then he will not be back

shiver_boy: I just don't want you to get hurt again

downandout: I know but its all cool now...lets talk about something
else...ok

shiver_boy: ok. did you have a bad day at school again?

downandout: ya but not as bad as last week

shiver_boy: well that's good

downandout: how was your day

shiver_boy: it was ok for school

downandout: did you find a friend to hang with

shiver_boy: nah I did the same old same old like I said I keep to myself
people hate fags

......

downandout: I know we are not to answer this question but what city are you
in I'm in
                      Monument New Mexico

shiver_boy: no way coz that's where I am

downandout: we have been talking at this site for over a year and didn't
know we lived in
                      the same city lol

shiver_boy: same age same city same type of problems, this is too much

downandout: dose anyone know your gay...you don't have to answer that

shiver_boy: no one knows but the guys here at the site and I kind of want
to keep it that
                    way

downandout: ya I can see why in this town everyone knows everyone

downandout: I ware the wrong shorts one day and I still have people talking
about it that
                     where not even there that day at school.

shiver_boy: no kidding I was told I kissed a girl at a party that I didn't
even go to lol

downandout: lol

shiver_boy: I couldn't even run away coz of the people in this town when I
was at my
                   ants house she knew I was running away before I was out
the window

.........

shiver_boy: yeah hay I got to get some sleep...school tomorrow

downandout: ok laters

shiver_boy: bye

wow my best friend online lived in my town. What is his real name? Do I
know him in person and not know it? What happens if he finds out who I am
and runs the other way? What will happen if and when we do meet in person?

I knew this had been one heck of a night. Ok much like any night at my
house. I knew things would never be the same, but in a strange way I didn't
want anything to change. It's the only thing I have ever known. I thought
as I drifted off to sleep. "I wonder just what normal really is, and if I
am even normal.



PEACE IS BEAUTIFUL,

BLAKE



So there you have chapter 1. Right now life is rough. Don't worry, things
will look up in time. Thanks for reading Coming Out Within The Hurt.