Date: Sat, 15 Nov 2008 11:24:52 -0800 (PST)
From: Blake sanders <blake_sanders_1999@yahoo.com>
Subject: "Coming Out Within The Hurt" Chapter 7 BB

AUTHOR'S NOTE: THIS IS A 100% FAKE, MADE UP, AND COMPLETELY UNTURE
STORY. THERE IS NO SEX IN THIS STORY IF THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR,
FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO READ. IT DOSE HAVE GAY CONTENT WITH YOUNG BOYS. IF
THIS IS SOMETHING THAT IS ILLEIGEL FOR YOU TO READ STOP NOW. THE NAME OF A
WEB SITE MALESUVIVOR.ORG IS A REAL SITE THAT HELPS WITH HEALLING OF ABUSE
FOR MEN, BOYS, FRIENDS AND FAMILIES OF SURVIVORS, HOWEVER THE EVENTS THAT
HAPPEN ON THE SITE IN THIS STORY ARE FAKE. THE SITE IS LISTED HERE FOR
THOSE OF YOU THAT NEED HELP DEALING WITH CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE.


I would like to say sorry for the delay in getting you all the next chapter
of my story. I have had a lot going on in my life, a change in jobs, bf, a
hospital stay, and a few other health problems that are all better
according to the doctors.  I am now working a lot more than I was in the
past so it will take a while between chapters. Sorry, but putting food on
the table and keeping a roof over my head comes first, then comes sex and
then comes....me blushing brighter than a fire truck! ROFL...anyways here
we go with the roughest chapter of part one of "Coming Out Within The Hurt"


"Coming Out Within The Hurt" By: Kirk Gilbert © 2007

Chapter 7 "Slipped"

Officer Appleton took me to the office.  He called for an ambulance to take
me to the hospital.  I don't know why he didn't take me in his car other
than asking if I had showered, changed my clothes, where were the clothes I
was warring when I was at Andy's, and if they had been washed.  I saw
Officer Appleton talking to cops that didn't ware uniforms, but white
shirts and ties.  The only thing I could think at this point is how stupid
I was for even coming to school or being born.

I was carried into the ambulance, and was told to stay lying on my side for
the ride to the hospital.  Mrs. Walton sat next to me the whole time
telling me it was all going to be ok.  I didn't think it was, and I didn't
want to go anywhere that anyone was around.  I didn't want to be touched,
and I didn't want to be known.

We arrived at the hospital where a guy dressed in white was waiting with a
wheel chair that they carried me to and put me in.  I felt like I slipped
up so bad this time I would be put in some place to be punished for
everything I had done in my life.

I was taken in to a room with a bed with lots of pale green sheets and
towels in it.  I was lifted up on to the bed and told to wait there until
the doctor could come in.  I looked around to see a table with a baby scale
on it and canisters of all sorts of things.  There where shelve with glass
doors that had been locked with a little lock in the middle.  In side of
one of them I could see meds of all kinds, and in another I could see
scalpels and things that looked weird.

I tried to get up and walk, but fell to the floor.  My head was spinning,
and my mind was racing.  It took several times of trying to get on my feet
and not hit the floor again, but I managed after some time.  I stumbled to
where the cabinets where.  I beat my head on the first one I came to hoping
my head would break the glass.

I tried to open the door to one of the cabinets with the meds in it, but it
was locked in place. I went to the next and the next.  Until I found one
that was locked but I still pulled the door open.  I took one of the knife
looking things out and opened the package with tons of hassle.  Once I had
the knife out of its package, I went in to the two room shared bathroom.  I
ran cold water in the sink, and soaked my hands in it.  I blanked my mind
as much as I could, but the racket in my head would not stop as I fell to
the floor dropping the knife.

Minutes later I heard beating on the door that I had locked behind me, and
soon beating on the other door that I had also locked.  I didn't move and I
didn't care what they were saying.  I just didn't care.  I just wanted to
die in peace. I wanted the pain to stop.

I dazed in and out as I heard someone coming into the restroom shutting off
the water and someone else lifting me up.  I remember bits and peaces of
people running around calling my name and asking questions, like can I feel
my fingers.  I could not feel anything other than my mind screaming inside.
The last thing I heard before drifting off was the sound of my mother
asking me, "Why did you make up the story about my father."  I also heard
her say something about how everything I say is a lie.  My heart sank and I
was out cold.

I woke to the sound of a voice I knew as being Kevin's.  His voice was soft
and gentle as I heard him telling a story that I had never heard before.  I
looked around to see him sitting in a chair by my bed.  He had a book on
his leg that was up under him in the chair and the other leg was bouncing
up and down as it hung off the front of the chair.  He stopped reading out
loud after turning the page.

"Don't stop." I softly spoke.

"Justin!" he yelped getting up and coming to my bed side. "Thank god you're
awake."

"How long have I been out?" I asked

"Almost four weeks. I thought you'd never wake up."

"I was hoping I wouldn't."

"Why?"

"I hate myself."  I said looking at Kevin who got this hurt look on his
face.

"Why do you hate your self?  What is there to hate?"

"Everything."  I replied.  I was numb, but mad at the same time that what I
had done didn't work the way I had wanted it to.

"I like everything about you.  Why hate yourself?"

"You don't know me that well, and if you did you'd hate me too."  I said
almost crying.

"Well you don't know me enough, as well, to know that I have more to hate
about myself then you do yourself.  So therefore I know I like you more
than I like me, and I love you."  He fell quiet and backed a few steps
before turning and running out of my room leaving his book behind.  The
only thing I could think is "See, he hates me to."

I was woken up by a guy claming to be Mr. Miles the next morning.  He was
nice in his voice and kept a safe distance from me.  I didn't seem to mind
him being around me, and I felt ok as long as he kept lots of space between
us.  He asked if I liked computers, and if I did, if I wanted to get online
for a while before we started our session.  I told him I would love more
than anything to get online, that there where some emails I needed to check
and some people I needed to let know I was ok.  He told me that was fine,
but he would need to be there with me to make sure I was not getting in
trouble or finding other ways of hurting myself.

Being I had just tried to kill myself I said "Fine" as I was taken to an
office with a computer.

I checked my email, and trust me there was a lot of email to check.  First
I trashed all the junk mail, getting mad at all of the junk that was in my
in box.  Then I answered all of my emails one by one with Mr. Miles taking
notes through the whole thing.

Then I went to MaleSurvivor.org.  I chatted with CB_W, the webmaster of the
site, for about an hour.  When I saw shiver_boy come into the main room, I
told the webmaster I wanted to chat with shiver_boy and went into a person
to person chat with shiver_boy.  We said "Hi" and all and talked about
stuff going on at the site for a long time.  I told him I hadn't been
around a computer for a while, that I was busy with stuff going on at home.

.......

Downandout: whats up you seem different

Shiver_boy: I messed up again

Downandout: what happened

Shiver_boy: I think I said something I should not have said to someone

Shiver_boy: I think I ran off the only friend I had

Downandout: if they are a true friend then they'll understand

Shiver_boy: not about this. Its to major

Shiver_boy: see im just better off on my own

Downandout: you don't want to be friends with me anymore too

Downandout:??????

Shiver_boy: I would love to be friends with you coz you understand me

Shiver_boy: not only that but I trust you

Downandout: do you trust your friend

Shiver_boy: yeah

Downandout: then talk to them maybe they understand too

Shiver_boy: ill think about talking to them

.....

shiver_boy: mom's calling I got to go

downandout: ok talk to ya laterz

shiver_boy: laterz

"Justin, Mr. Miles, Officer Appleton and I would like to talk to you.  We
have some questions." The doctor stated as Officer Appleton and he entered
the room and sat down.

Officer Appleton began.  "Justin, first we found a large some of money in
your pocket when you where brought in.  Can you tell us where it came
from?"

"I donno."

"Justin?  We are talking over five hundred dollars.  It was in you're
pocket, and I bet you do know where it came from.  Where did it come from
Justin?"  he urged me more.

"I donnooo."  I said once again, but more angered than the time before.

"Justin, we did some tests and we know you're your old baby sitter was not
the only one having sex with you."  the doctor stated as if it were going
to make me talk.

"Andy had some friends over."

"Who?" Officer Appleton asked.

"I donno who they were."

"Can you tell us what they looked like?"  Officer Appleton asked
insistently.

"No."

"Justin, I'm going to ask you something very important."  He continued.

"Ok."

"We talked to Andy Davis and he said you have been selling you're self for
sex.  Is this true?"

"Justin is it true?"  Mr. Miles asked after I didn't speak for a long time.

Alls I could do is shake my head confirming that it was.

"Did Andy force you to have sex with him, or did you sell your body to him
for sex."

"I donno." I said with tears whelping up in my eyes.

"Justin we need to know."

"He....He...He made...me.....do it....I'm sorry."  I said starting to cry.

"You didn't do anything wrong Justin."  Mr. Miles said.

"We know this is hard Justin.  You're doing great."  The doctor said.

"Where all did you sale yourself at Justin?"  Officer Appleton asked next.

"Only in Andy's town."  I said between gasps for air while crying like a
big baby

"In Hobbs?"  Mr. Miles asked.

"Yeah....I'm sorry..."  I managed to get out through the blubbering.

"It's ok Justin."  Officer Appleton said.  "Calm down, its going to be ok
Justin."

"Justin, it's been a long day for all of us.  Why don't you go back to bed
and get some rest."  The doctor stated in a soft tone giving a look to the
others as to say we need to talk in privet.

"Justin, before you go.  I want you to be thinking how much are you worth,
and I don't mean money?  Also be thinking about this, who are you, and I
don't mean your name?"  Mr. Miles asked as I left the room and headed back
to my room with everyone right behind me.

I was helped into bed, and was thinking about what Mr. Miles had asked me.
It confused me at the same time because I could not say money or my name.
I thought of what I thought he would want to hear, but I didn't know him
well enough to do that.  I didn't feel I was worth anything really.  I had
never thought about who I am other than knowing my name as who I am.  Maybe
next time I see Mr. Miles I should ask him who I am supposed to be.  As for
what I am worth, I would just have to think of something.  I knew I
couldn't tell him how I really felt, because I don't trust him at all. He
was a smart one.  I would just have to be smarter.

"Officer?"  I yelped before Officer Appleton left.

"Yes."

"Where's my mom?"

"I don't think you need to worry about it right now."  He said in a sad
tone, but with a forced smile on his face.

"Where is she?"  I asked getting mad.

"She's at home."  He said as the smile faded a bit and his eyes growing
very sad with a tear forming.

"Can you tell her to come here?"

"I'll do that."  he said with a sad look on his face.  "Now get some sleep
kiddo."

I turned over covering myself with my blanket.  I was thinking she was mad
at me for telling what my dad did to me.  Or, maybe she was getting the
house ready for me to come home.  I could feel my eyes getting heavy as I
drifted off to a restless sleep.


I woke to the nurse shaking me just a bit scaring the piss right out of me!
She told me that I was having another nightmare and to try to go back to
sleep.  She gave me something to help me sleep, saying it would keep me
from having any more nightmares.  I used that time to fall asleep to do
some thinking about everything.  I knew my mother would have been there by
now if she cared about me, but she was not and I knew I was truly alone in
the world.

It was at that moment I knew nothing in my life would ever be the same
again.  My childhood had been stolen, and from that moment I was an adult
for the rest of my life.  I was in the hospital for another month due to me
refusing to eat, sleep, or even walk very much.  It took Cody coming to the
hospital and yelling at me in a major rage to get my attention.

I was put on suicide watch when I returned home.  But, it was not my mother
that was watching me.  I was mostly Cody and to my surprise Kevin.  I see
Mr. Miles at least once a week.  It took two and a half years to get to
where I trusted him just a little bit.  I see him twice a week on really
bad weeks, and I still cut sometimes and am watched all the time.  But, at
the same time I keep hearing how I never let anyone into my life.  It's
funny how no one at school knew I had tried to kill myself that day.  I
would have thought it had spread all over school.  I don't really want to
die anymore, but I still kind of hate my life at the same time.  I have
been put one three medications one for depression, one for my high anxiety,
and one to help with the nightmares that I still have but not as often.

As it is for the mad pack Alex and Billy got in to a big fight and started
hanging out with other friends.  I still see them from time to time, and
only Billy takes the time to mess with me.  Alex was later arrested for the
drugs and will be in jail until he turns 18.

Johnny Winton moved at the end of the school year leaving Mike Hedrick and
Jimmy Owen still in the mad pack.  In a twist of fate Jeff got in a fight
with Johnny before he left the school on his last day and Jeff managed to
beat Johnny to a bloody pile of meat.  The fight was good to let others
know the mad pack is not always the biggest thing around.  Like the others
in the mad pack, the fight went straight to Jeff's head and he soon joined
the mad pack.  He kept his word about not telling about Cody and Ste, but
other than that he was no longer part of the gang.

As it is for my friends Cody and I are still friends, but he dose spend
most to all of his time with Ste.  I can't say I blame them too, but I do
miss him from time to time.  We still have our sleepovers, but they are at
Cody's house 90% of the time due to my mother and her comments.

Ste and I still are friends, but not as close as we once were.  The only
reason I think this is, is due to Cody.  Ste later moved to Hobbs, were his
father was transferred.  Once he had his drivers license he was hardly ever
home.  I don't know what was happening at home, and he refused to talk
about it to anyone including Cody!

 A few years after me being in the hospital Ivan and his mother were killed
in a car crash involving a drunk driver.  To top things off his father
being a police officer was one of the first to be there.  He didn't even
know it was his family until they found the drivers id and his sons school
id in the mangled car.  Needless to say things didn't go well after that.
Ivan's father later left the police force, and became a medical field
coroner as weird as it may be for what happened.

Will is still around although I don't hangout with him much.  He's got a
girlfriend and as odd as he is strange a boyfriend, that he is hoping his
girlfriend doesn't find out about.  How that happened was really weird.  I
gave him my word I would never tell how it happened or give anymore details
about it.  I am the only one he told that to, and I don't know what makes
me different from anyone else.  I will say that he is a strange one!

As it is for Kevin, I still sit with him at lunch.  We have become good
friends at school, and sometimes we will see a movie or something on the
weekends.  I later found out from a nurse at the hospital that he was there
everyday even if I was not awake.  We did try chatting online, but found we
don't have that much to talk about with each other.  Kevin and I mostly
forward e-mails back and forth to each other.

I still talk to the guys online at malesurvivor.org; well I talk to
shiver_boy anyways.  I know out of everyone in my life shiver_boy is my
best friend, even if we have never met in person.

As it is for my mother, I hate the bitch.  She still doesn't believe me
about my abuse.  Officer Appleton and Mrs. Walton tried over and over to
talk to her, and too get her to understand.  My dad was put in Jail for ten
years to life and Andy Davis, my old baby sitter received thirty years to
life in a federal pin.  It turns out he had also abused one other boy that
lived down the street from him.  After a year in jail Andy got in a fight
with a knife and was killed.  As for the other people that abused me they
are still out there somewhere.

There is still a lot I am confused about.  I do not have a girlfriend, and
I don't want one.  I don't know if I'm gay or not.  I know I am worth one
human being now, but I still don't know who I am.  Its funny how I can look
at a tree or a cloud, and how it sends my mind wondering far from reality.
Sometimes my mind goes in a good direction, but most times it triggers me
into a flashback of my abuse.  I still have nightmares.  Just not as many
due to the meds.  I still sleep in my closet because that is the place I
feel safe enough to sleep.

I am now sixteen and I hate it.  It makes me feel that now it is almost
legal for me to have sex, people can fuck me anytime they want and I can't
stop them.  I know that's not how it is, but that's how it feel's.  So far
in my life it feel's like my life has been playing in like a movie or
something, but I also feel that changing too.  Things are slowly getting
better in my life.

I looked back one day, and was like "Wow! I had a whole good day!"  After a
while I was like "Holy shit! I had a good week!"  I have slowly been
building on my good minutes as Mr. Miles puts it, and I can't wait for
tomorrow!

(Author's note: "I bet you thought that was the end of my story, but it's
not!  He! He! He! I had you going, Huh?"  Thanks for reading "Coming Out
Within The Hurt": Justin Andrew Dolton)

I want to tell my readers thank you for hanging in there with me.  Again I
have had a few heath problems (infection next to my spine), so there has
been a long delay.  For that I am sorry.

What I am not sorry for is for this part of the story being so hard, as far
as the pain of Justin.  Some of you have told me that no one would really
ever go through all of that, or in such a short amount of time.  Well, that
is true for some, but not for others.  I know because most of that happened
to me.  Yes, I am a survivor of child abuse, child sexual abuse, and rape.
I have talked to and met many other survivors out there, and I will tell
you know that most of what I have written happens to a lot of kids out
there.  Just to give you an idea of how many: 1 out of 6 boys will be
abused before the age of 16.  That is a lot!  Most feel the way Justin
does, and sadly the one out of six are only the ones that have told someone
about the abuse.  Sadly, at is known that at least half will never tell,
and never get the help they need.  This ups the suicide rate for teens, and
even more so for gay teens.  Just know, and let them know, suicide is never
the
 answer.

Reading a story with youth having sex is one thing, but real life is real,
and can hurt children in many ways.  Sure some are not bothered by it, but
everyone is different.  If you know of a child that is being abused please,
I beg you, help them talk to the police, or a teacher, or you tell the
police to help stop the abuse.  Most of all let them know they are not
alone, and it is not their fault.  Be a friend to them, and help them to
heal.

There is more to this story coming.  It may be a slow going thing, but I
will tell you know things do get better.  New relationships form, and grow
into very beautiful things.  From here on out things get better with life's
curves thrown in along the way!  I do hope you enjoy part two of "Coming
Out Within The Hurt"

PEACE IS BEAUTIFUL

BLAKE



THIS ENDS PART ONE.  STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO!