Date: Mon, 3 Nov 2003 18:53:34 -0800 From: Dewey <dewey@deweywriter.com> Subject: Chapter 11 - Turmoil Brian and Pete Chapter Eleven Turmoil Copyright Notice - Copyright (c)October 2001 by DeweyWriter Ltd. This story is copyrighted by the author and the author retains all rights. This work may not be duplicated in any form, physical, electronic, audio, or otherwise without the authors expressed written permission. All applicable copyright laws apply and will be enforced. Legal Disclaimer This story is a work of erotic fiction involving teenage boys partially based on real people and events. Names have been changed to protect the guilty as well as the innocent. All the usual rules apply. If it is illegal for you to be reading this now, then don't continue. -------------------- We spent Sunday painting the house. I was surprised at how much we accomplished. We painted everything downstairs but the kitchen. Dad said Mom wanted to do the decorating in there, which came as a great relief. Who wants to do all that edging, anyway? Dad took us back to Pete's place about five that afternoon. The house was empty. Kevin and Jason were out and about somewhere. My dad left after making sure the three of us weren't going to burn the house down. It was kind of strange, though. It seemed that he didn't really want to leave, and being the idiot I was, I didn't invite him to stay. I wandered around the house while Pete took our things upstairs, looking for I don't know what. I didn't find anything interesting, but I did notice that Jason's bed hadn't been slept in. That was odd. I know he usually just threw the blankets over the bed when he got up, but this time it was completely made. The three of us decided to eat about seven. We baked a couple of pizzas and finished them off while watching TV. Jason and Kevin came home at nine. "Hi guys," Kevin said as he shut the door. Jason went up to his room without a word, his face as stormy as the weather outside. "Did you boys eat?" "Yeah," Ray said distractedly. "Good. You've got school in the morning. Get to bed." "Oh, shit! I forgot!" "Ray, please watch your language. Jason will take you to school in the morning." "How are you getting to work? We only have one car." "Correction: we had only one car. Now we have two. Jason and I went car shopping this afternoon and bought a used Accord. It'll get me to and from work." "Oh, okay," Ray said, unimpressed. "I still plan on getting a car, Kevin." "We'll talk about it, Pete, but I'm not so sure it'd be a good idea right now. It might be better to hold onto that money for the moment. "In the meantime, get your butts in gear and up to bed." With a round of groans, we made our way to the stairs. Pete lagged behind a bit. "I'll be up in a few, Bri." Just before I closed the bathroom door, I heard Pete ask Kevin, "What's going on?" By the time I was finished and walked to the bedroom, Pete was coming up the stairs. His face was troubled and creased with worry. I started to ask him what was the matter, but his slight headshake stopped me. Pete went to the bathroom and closed the door behind him. Now I was starting to worry. He took a long time in the bathroom. I was in bed when he returned to our room. I watched him carefully as he undressed. He didn't meet my eyes once, and when he noticed I was watching, turned his back to me. I was really worried now, and a bit scared. He turned out the light and climbed into bed, and lay on his side, facing away. "Pete?" He didn't answer. "Pete? Did I do something?" He still didn't answer. I reached out with a trembling hand and touched his shoulder. He was shaking. "Pete?" He rolled into me quickly, putting his arm around me, and sobbed into my chest. All I could do was hold him until he cried himself out and fell asleep. At least one of us slept. I was still awake when the alarm went off. Pete had slept soundly once he finally dozed off, but I couldn't. I kept worrying about what forced Pete to the point he was at last night. I had convinced myself that I did something to upset him, and spent the night beating myself up, trying to figure out what I'd done, and telling myself I was stupid because I couldn't figure it out. Pete rolled over and silenced the alarm, then rolled back into my arms. Neither of us moved or said anything, until I couldn't take the tension anymore. "I'm sorry, Pete. Whatever I did, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." He pulled back enough to look me in the eyes. "What are you talking about?" "I was up all night, trying to remember what I did to upset you, but I can't figure it out." I couldn't meet his gaze any longer, but he didn't let me turn away. He held my chin gently, forcing me to meet his eyes. "Brian, you didn't do anything wrong, baby. You didn't upset me." He hugged me tightly to emphasize the point, then backed off again to take a closer look at my face. "Did you sleep at all?" I shook my head. "No," I whispered. "You worried about that all night long? Oh, Bri... I'm sorry." He kissed me lightly. "I should have told you it wasn't you last night, but I... I just couldn't handle everything. I'm still not sure if I can." "What happened, babe? Why're you so upset?" Pete took a deep breath and let it out with a rush of air. "I can't tell you, Bri. I promised I wouldn't, not even to you." I blinked, then said, "It's that heavy?" "Yeah, it is," he said with another heavy sigh. "And we can't let on to Ray, either. He has enough to worry about right now." I had my guesses what was going on, and those thoughts filled me with dread. The alarm went off again. Pete had just hit the snooze. He rolled over, turned the alarm off, and sat up. "Guess we better get ready, huh? Hard to believe it's been only two weeks since you and Brent had your fight, huh?" "Yeah, and not much less than that since the knife incident." I sat up next to Pete. "Are you sure you're okay with going to school?" "I'm fine, Brian. Are you?" "I'm ready. If it wasn't for everything that's come down in the last two weeks, I would've enjoyed the vacation." My grandmothers funeral, Kevin and Sharon splitting up... To much upheaval. "I just want to get back to routine." "Me too," He said wistfully. "Okay, you want to shower first or do you want me to?" -oOo- Breakfast was a quiet affair. Kevin had already left for the office. Jason wasn't speaking unless we spoke to him, and then he said the minimum possible. If Ray noticed the somber overtones, he didn't let on. He was his usual irrepressible self, and just wanted to get back to school. Before we went out the door, Pete and Jason had a short talk. I didn't hear what was said, but Pete embraced him at the end. School. Until I got out of the van, I was fine. When I set foot on the steps, I started to get nervous. I wasn't sure what to expect. Some people said, "Hello," like nothing had happened. They hadn't even noticed I'd been gone. Everything went fine for me until I got to Phys Ed. Both Coach Knowells and Brent would be there. Pete said some reassuring words as we walked to the gym and got dressed, but it didn't help much. If I had been nervous before, then I was nearly in a panic when Knowells called Brent and me into his office. Brent's arm was in a sling, but there was no other sign of injury, for which I was glad. I really hadn't meant to hurt him that badly. He didn't even look at me as we entered the office. The coach closed the door behind us. "All right, you two. I've had enough of the both of you. If either of you give me any more trouble, I'll fail you both. Do I make myself clear?" I didn't answer the asshole; I just glared. Brent mumbled something, and Mr. Knowells took it for agreement. "Now shake hands, and be men, for God's sake, instead of bitchy little girls on their period." It was all I could do to hold my tongue. As one, Brent and I rose and left the office. I closed the door slightly harder than strictly necessary. I started back toward my locker, but Brent stopped me. "Kellam, I don't like you; you know that. I still think you're an arrogant little prick who doesn't know his place. But I never wanted anyone to hurt you. Other than me, I mean." He half grinned. "I never would have done what they did, and I sure don't want anyone doing it for me. I think they're crazy for even thinking it." "I didn't think you'd put them up to it, Brent. I never blamed you. But it's Pete you should be talking to, not me. He's the one that had that knife shoved in his face." Brent appeared uncomfortable. "And as far as we go, I don't like you either. You judge people on appearances only. I surprised you because you thought, based on my appearance, I wasn't going to be any kind of challenge." He nodded slowly. "You're right. You don't know how hard it is for me to say that." I continued as if he hadn't spoken. "When I pinned you, you couldn't handle the embarrassment, so you needed to take your revenge to save face in front of your friends. Then when we had our fight, you got hurt, and since you couldn't take your revenge on your own, they were going to take it for you." He listened as I spoke, apparently giving it considerable thought. "And why were they your friends? Because to all appearances, they were popular, like you. But if you'd've looked deeper, I doubt you would have stayed around them." "Now, wait a fuckin' minute." "And you get defensive when the truth comes out. Tell me I'm wrong!" Nostrils flaring, he stared at me, a contest of wills. After a moment, he dropped his gaze. "Why do you have to be so damn right all the time?" I shrugged. "I've had good teachers in what motivates people. Now, what are you going to do about all of it?" Coach Knowells came out of the office. "Get to your place, Kellam." I held Brent's troubled gaze for a few moments longer, and then retreated to my position in line. The rest of the class went smoothly. Brent sat off to the side watching me like a hawk, but I couldn't tell what his mood was. After our showers, we waited by our lockers for the bell to ring for lunch. Brent came over and stood in front of Pete and I. "I thought a lot about what you said. What kills me is you're dead on. I never really thought about it, the way you said it. Now I look back...." He shook his head ruefully. Pete and I glanced at each other. "I don't know. I guess what I'm trying to do is say I'm sorry for whatever I've done to you." He offered his hand. I peered at him for a few seconds, and then shook. "Friends?" "No, not friends. But not enemies, either." "I can live with that." Brent shuffled his feet for a moment, and looked around. "Is it true?" Pete asked, "Is what true?" I was getting a sinking feeling in my gut. "That you guys... you know...." "No, I don't know. Do you Brian?" "No clue." "You're gonna make me say it? Okay. Are you guys together?" "Well, we live in the same house, with my Dad," Pete said. "So I guess we're together more than not." "No, that's not what I mean." In a low voice, I said, "Then what do you mean, Brent?" Frustrated, Brent turned away. "Never mind. Forget I asked." He moved off into the crowd. I let out the breath I'd been holding. "Jesus, that was close." "Yeah. What do you think he'd do if he really knew?" "What concerns me more is how he knew to ask in the first place." "I don't think it's any big deal. What would you have told him if he'd asked?" "I'm not sure." I scratched my head. "We need to decide together what to say if that happens again." "He's going to ask, eventually." "Maybe." The bell rang, signaling the end of class. "C'mon. I'm hungry." We sat to eat lunch with Ray. Jason was nowhere in evidence, but that wasn't anything new. "Hey Ray, where's Jared?" Pete asked. "I don't give a fuck." Whoa. "Ray, are you okay?" "Just fucking great. Shut the hell up; I'm trying to eat this shit they call food." All I could do was stare at Ray, stunned. What had come between he and Jared? They had been seeing a lot of each other before everything came down, but now it seemed as if Ray was genuinely angry. "Ray, what happened?" "None of your fuckin' business!" Heads turned toward us as Ray got up, and moved his tray to another table. Pete and I looked at each other, then at Ray, wide eyed in astonishment. I had known Ray for a while, but he had never walked away from us like that before. I looked around to find Jared. I caught sight of him leaving the cafeteria, and jumped up to follow him, surprising Pete. "Where're you going?" "Jared." I didn't wait to see Pete's reaction. I chased Jared down in the courtyard between the cafeteria and the office. "Jared, wait up!" He whirled on me. "Why? So you can rub it in? Make me feel worse than I already do? Huh? Ray already told me what you think of me." "What?" "Yeah." "What'd he say?" "Don't play stupid, Brian; I know better. Go back to your cute little boyfriend and have a good life. Good bye." He turned and tried to walk off, but I stopped him by pushing him into a wall. "I don't know what in the hell you're talking about, but you're going to tell me, one way or another." "What're you gonna do, huh? Tell everyone I'm gay?" I heard a few gasps behind me. "Or maybe you'd just like to beat the shit out of a fag. Go ahead. I'll even stand here and let you." He pushed me off of him and stood upright, head high, daring me to hit him. "What? Afraid of a fag?" "Jared, why are you doing this?" "Like you don't know." Sarcasm was dripping from his voice. "I DON'T! I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!" Yelling at him stunned him a bit. Everyone within earshot was watching us now. "C'mon. Let's go find somewhere quiet we can talk." "I have to get back to class. You too. Besides, you don't want to be seen hanging around with a fag. It rubs off, you know." I stared at him, trying not to slap him. "You've known me long enough. You know that doesn't matter to me." "Right." "Come with me, Jared. Please?" He stared at me through narrowed eyes for a long few seconds before nodding tightly. He followed me to the library, where we signed into one of the study rooms. "Sit down please." He took the chair closest to the door, sitting on the edge, ready to bolt. I sat in the chair opposite him. "Jared, tell me what Ray told you." "Okay, I'll play your game. Let's pretend for the moment that you really don't remember what you said. "He called me up the other night, telling me he needed to talk to me, face-to-face. We meet this morning and come in here. "Ray tells me he doesn't want to see me anymore. I'm too much of a queen for him. When he talked to you about it, you said that I was just a fuckin' fag, that I wasn't really a man, just a woman in boys clothes. Pete said it too! Then he went on telling me about how you were all going to kick my ass in front of the whole school to prove you weren't queer yourselves, and that Jason was going to join in." "And you believed him?" "Of course I believed him! Why shouldn't I? I knew the other shoe was going to drop. I knew it from the time I first met Pete. He didn't want me. I wasn't man enough for him. He wanted you." Tears were running down his face. "And then when Ray and I started being together, I thought I was worth something. I thought you accepted me. But then you turned on me. I should have known it from the beginning." "Jesus, Jared. All right, then. Let's start with Jason. Do you really think he would go along with anyone beating the shit out of anybody? The only time I've heard of him fighting was to defend someone, not attack. And look at what he did for Pete and Ray when they had the fight in the theatre parking lot that time. He put his life at risk for them, because someone called them 'fag'. Did he become friends with you, just to cut you loose over nothing? Would he do that? "Pete now. Why would Pete, the most loving and compassionate person I know, want to lose you as a friend? Why would I, for that matter? We're gay too! And beating you up is ridiculous. Even if we did, it wouldn't prove anything. All it would do is get us suspended or expelled, and lose us a friend." "Sure, you say that now. That's not what you told Ray." "Ray is lying." "Of course you say that. Why would he? What reason does he have to lie?" "Do you have any idea what's been happening at their place?" "Not really. But even so, what could possibly cause Ray to do this?" "Kevin and Sharon split up." Stunned, he sat there with his mouth open as I continued. "Ray is afraid that he'll be taken away because they aren't together. My guess is he's trying to push you away." "Why would he do that?" Jared's hostility had evaporated. "This way, he controls what happens in his life as much as possible. By cutting you off before he's taken away, he minimizes the pain. I know. I've done the same thing, in the past." "Why would he tell me all those lies about you and Pete and Jason?" "He wouldn't want you around as a reminder of what he threw away. By making you think we hate you, you wouldn't be as likely to come around." "He was protecting himself?" I nodded. "Makes sense to me." The warning bell rang. Jared groaned and put his head down on the table. "I feel so stupid!" I patted him on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it. I can understand why you thought what you did. Pete and I would never cut you lose like that. Neither would Jason." He looked up at me. "What happened to make Kevin and Sharon split up?" "I... it's not my place to say, Jared. But it's huge. No one is doing well right now." "So what do I do? If I show up at the table, Ray will go off." "Give me some time to pin Ray down. A couple of days maybe. Pete, Jason, Kevin and I will set him straight." "Well, not straight, I hope. Maybe explain things to him." Jared gave a small grin. I smiled. The bell rang for the next period. "Well, should we stay here or be late?" "If you don't mind talking to a fag," he said half-smiling, "let's stay. I haven't talked to you in ages." -oOo- I met Pete before biology. He asked what happened with Jared, but I told him it would take too long to explain; that I would tell him after school. The real reason was I knew Pete would be pissed that Ray had lied to Jared. After school, Pete and I met Ray in the halls on the way to the van in the parking lot. None of us had seen Jason at all. It was like he had dropped off the face of the planet. I usually passed him a couple of times in the hall, but that day, nothing. Fifteen minutes passed, and still no sign of Jason. Pete, Ray, and I sat on a bench near the office entrance to wait him out. "This isn't like him at all," Pete said. "I'm worried about him." "Yeah, well, he ain't the only one with problems," Ray said caustically. "No shit," I said, "So what's yours?" Ray stood "I got no problem, but I'll give you one if you keep riding my ass!" I rose and faced off with him. "Ray, don't make me beat the shit out of you." "Go for it." Pete stood between us, "Both of you, sit down!" I glared at Ray for several seconds before I did. "Uh huh. All talk. Go on, Kellam. Hide behind your boyfriend." That was all I could take. I launched at Ray. The next thing I knew I was on my ass in the parking lot, Ray sitting beside me. "What are you guys, stupid? You're going to fight right here in front of the office?" Jason had appeared out of nowhere and pushed us both down before I could land a blow. "Jesus. If you two assholes are gonna fight, at least wait until you get home so you don't get kicked out of school." "Fuck you too, Jason." Ray stood and brushed off his hands. Jason stood nose to nose with Ray, and in the most chilling voice I'd ever heard him use, say, "Ray, don't fuck with me. Not now, not ever. If you start it, you can be damn sure I'll finish you." He turned to me as I stood. "You leave him alone. He's got enough to deal with." "He's got a lot to answer for. I talked to Jared today." "Drop it. I don't want to explain why both of you ended up in the hospital. You guys can beat each other to a pulp when Dad gets home, for all I care. Get in the car." The ride home was silent. All of us retreated to our rooms when we got home. Three doors slammed simultaneously. "Brian, what the hell was that all about?" "Ray broke up with Jared." "Oh." "Ray also told Jared that we think he's a queen." "He what?" I told Pete the rest of the conversation I had with Jared at lunch. "That son of a bitch." "Now you know why I wanted to kill him. He pretty much destroyed Jared, Pete. And then he started talking trash to me... I would've taken him out if Jason hadn't come when he did." "I know. I tried to stop you, but you moved too fast. I think we need to get Kevin involved in this. We can't handle this on our own. Both Ray and Jason need help. You're too keyed up to be any help yourself." "I have reason." "I know that, Bri, but it doesn't help the problem." Sighing heavily, I crashed into the bed, laying face down. "Maybe I should go stay with my dad. It seems like I'm in the way, especially now with all the problems Ray and Jason are having." "Don't even think it, Brian. I need you here. And whether they know it or not, Jason and Ray do, too. "I wish I could believe that. This is all my fault, you know." When Pete didn't answer, I turned my head to see disbelief on his face. "How could this possibly be your fault?" "If I hadn't asked Jason to write that fucking story, none of this would have happened. I caused all this." "God dammit, Brian! Only you could find a way to take the blame for this." Pete was genuinely angry. He ran his fingers through his hair quickly, and then knelt next to the bed, eyes flashing. "Now you listen to me, and listen to me good, Kellam. There is no fucking way in hell this is your fault. Got me? You didn't plan this. There was no way you could have known that this would happen, so how can it possibly be your fault? Huh? Fuck!" He laid next to me and held me tightly. "This isn't your fault, Brian. Not even you can take the blame for this one." -oOo- Brian had settled down after having taken a nice long run. He was soaked to the bone from the rain when he got back, but he looked more relaxed. We lay on the bed for a while, talking. Brian told me more about why he felt he was to blame for everything, and I did the best I could to make him believe he wasn't. I don't think I convinced him. Kevin had come home about six-thirty. Shortly after that, he called us together. "All right! Everyone into the office." Kevin's bellow cut through the music Brian and I were listening to as we did our homework. He pounded on our door, and then Ray's, making sure we heard him. Jason sat on the couch to the side. Brian and I joined him there. When he came in, Kevin sat behind the desk. Ray, forced to take one of the seats in front of the desk, scowled as he sat, making it clear this was not where he wanted to be. "Brian, get over here." Kevin pointed to the chair next to Ray. He rose warily, and sat on the edge of the seat. "Now, Brian, tell me why you tried to beat the crap out of Ray this afternoon." "He has it coming. He dumped Jared, and lied to him. He told Jared that we think he's a queen, and that we were going to kick the shit out of him because he was a fag, to prove we're not, then he called me out; said I was hiding behind Pete. I'm not afraid of him!" "Ray? You have a response?" "Yeah, I broke up with Jared. So what?" "Did you lie to him? Did you tell him what Brian just told me?" Ray shrugged. "So?" Kevin turned red. "You know how wrong that was. I'll deal with that later. Why did you break up with Jared?" Ray shrugged again. "My choice." Brian couldn't stand it any longer. "Breaking up with him is one thing, but you devastated him! You-" "Brian!" Kevin's bellow shocked us all. "I didn't ask for your input. You'll get your chance. Ray, that's not good enough. I need a reason. Why did you break up with Jared, and why did you do it as you did." "Doesn't matter. What do you care?" "I care because you hurt a boy, just like yourself. What if things were reversed? What if someone had dumped you? How would you feel?" Ray shrugged. "How would you feel if someone lied about you, and ruined any friendships you might have?" He shrugged again. "Guess it's a good thing I don't have any friends." "Ray..." "Look. I don't want Jared around anymore. I don't need to hang around a fag." I gasped. "Ray, did you forget you're gay?" Stubbornly, Ray continued, "I don't want him around. I don't want to be around him, and I don't want to be around you. Leave me the fuck alone, and we'll be fine. All of you just leave me alone." I don't know how Kevin kept his cool. Brian was livid, biting his lip in an effort not to yell at Ray. Jason stirred next to me. "Wrong. That's not the way this works." Ray stood. "Well, tough shit! I don't give a flying fuck what you think. If you can't handle it, call CPS! Tell them to come get me! Wouldn't be the first time!" Silence. "Is that what this is about? You don't want to be here anymore?" Ray didn't answer. He and Kevin stared at each other. "I see. If that's the way you feel," Kevin sighed and sat back, "then I have no choice. I'll call and make an appointment for them to come get you." "That's it?" "That's it. I'm not going to try and hold you here against your will, Ray. You're fifteen. You're old enough to make this decision." Ray was stunned. Kevin pulled out his address book and looked up a number. "But I- I- I thought you loved me!" "I do love you, Ray. We all love you. I don't want you to go." Kevin sighed again. "But if you've made the decision, then that's it." Ray staggered backwards, falling into the chair. Kevin picked up the phone. "This is what you want, isn't it?" He started dialing. Ray grew more pale with each number Kevin pressed. "Hello. This is Kevin Patterson. I'm a foster parent for Raymond Branton. It's rather urgent. Yes, I'll hold." I couldn't believe this was happening. Kevin was actually going through with this. Ray couldn't believe it either. Kevin watched Ray like a hawk as he waited. No one said a word. "Hello Mrs. Cox. I'm sorry to bother you so late. Yes, it's good to speak to you again. I just wish it was under better circumstances. Ray states that he wants to move on. I guess he just doesn't want to be with us anymore. When can you find the time to come out? Tomorrow morning? I'll see you at nine. Good night." Kevin hung up the phone and sighed. "Okay, Ray. She'll be here tomorrow. You can change your mind up until you get in her car. Do you want us to help you pack?" Ray was whiter than a sheet. He trembled as he stood, and just walked out of the office, shutting the door quietly behind him. Jason was the first to speak. "You can't be serious! You're going to let him go?" "If that's what he wants." "Why? What about the adoption? "If Ray doesn't want to be here, he won't be happy here. God knows he deserves to be happy. We'll know tomorrow morning. You might want to say goodbye to him tonight though. You'll be going to school in the morning, same as usual." I said, "You aren't even going to fight for him?" "I've been fighting for him for years, Pete," Kevin replied. "I'll keep fighting to get him free of his bio parents. The adoption is proceeding as well. When- if- it comes through, we'll give him a choice. If he wants to come back, he'll come back." "Dad, please! Isn't there something I can do? Something I can say to him to change his mind?" "Listen, all of you. I forbid you to put guilt trips on him, or to coerce him in any way. This is solely his decision. Do I make myself clear?" We nodded unhappily. "I know this is hard, boys. It's hard for me, too. Do you really think I want him to go, especially now we're so close to getting the adoption through? I love that kid." "Dad? How close is the adoption?" I asked. "Next week, if everything goes smoothly." Jason yelled, "No!" in disbelief. Kevin nodded. "I wanted to surprise Ray. Now... it's unfair to tell him. It might sway his decision." "You have to tell him!" Jason was beside himself. "No, son, I don't, and you won't. Ray still has the right to make his decision. What point would there be to adopting him if he doesn't want to be here?" "Still! What are the odds that another family will adopt him? He's almost 16. He's gay. He's abrasive. No one will adopt him!" "I know, son. Believe me, I know. I thought of all that when I was talking to him." "If you tell him, he might change his mind! I don't want to lose another brother!" Jason's voice was heart wrenching. "I'm sorry, Jason. It's out of my hands." Jason collapsed against me, crying. I shifted so I could hold him more comfortably. Kevin walked over and took him from me. Together, they walked out of the office. Brian just sat there hunched over and holding himself, looking at nothing. I could see the tears on his cheeks matching mine. He shook his head, murmuring to himself, and started rocking. I stood and moved to him, but he didn't respond in any way. "Brian?" He stared straight forward, rocking gently. "All this is my fault. You're entire family is falling apart because of what I did. Everything I care about I destroy." "Brian, it's not-" "Yes, it is. If I hadn't- It's my fault." I knelt before him and squeezed his shoulder. "Brian, it's not." His penetrating glare bored into my eyes. "Tell me this would have happened if I hadn't come here!" All I could do was drop my head in frustration. "It doesn't matter, Brian." "How can you possibly say that! Look around! Don't you see what's happening? Everything started when I got here! I asked Jason to write that fucking paper! Without that, you guys would still be a happy, loving family! I- did- this! It's my responsibility!" I couldn't think of anything to say. Brian sat there for a moment longer, then rose. "I'm sorry, Pete. I have to go. I can't do this to you anymore." He took off the ring I had given him. "I love you. More than anything in the world. But you deserve way better than I can give you." He took my hand and put the ring in it, closing my fingers around it. "Brian, please don't do this. I need you!" "No, Pete," he said as he stroked my cheek, "You need to be safe, and you can't be with me here." He hugged me tightly, sobs shaking his body. "I love you." When he released me, he walked out of the office and downstairs. I stood, rooted to the spot, looking at Brian's ring in my hand. I heard the front door open and close. He was gone. -oOo- I'm not really sure how I made it to the farmhouse. I couldn't see very well, between the storm, the darkness, and my tears. The rain was falling so hard that some of the streets were flooded. I hadn't gone a mile before I was drenched. I didn't care though. I had nothing left to live for. I walked in a daze, oblivious to the cold, wondering how I would be able to live without Pete. I knew I could; I had before, but now I knew what I was giving up by not being with him. There was a huge hole in my heart, and I didn't know if it could ever be filled again. When I made it to the house, the porch light was on. I could see the Patterson's van in the drive way. Someone was silhouetted in the windows of the front door. It looked like Pete. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to talk to anyone, so I went to the barn, and climbed up to the hayloft. I buried myself to keep warm, and then I cried myself to sleep in the cold, dark night. -oOo- When I woke up, I was freezing. I didn't feel well, either. I stumbled when I stood to climb down the ladder. I managed to make it to the ground without falling. Using the wall for support, I made it to the barn door. The van was still in the driveway. I really didn't want to go in there, but I knew I wouldn't be able to climb back into the loft, so I had no choice. I knew I was sick, and I needed help. I lurched out of the barn into the wind and rain, and staggered across the twenty yards or so of pavement to the kitchen door. The steps posed a bit of a problem though. I tried to climb them, but stumbled and fell face down. Realizing that climbing them wasn't an option, I crawled them, step by step. That small effort exhausted me. I managed to crawl the rest of the six feet of porch to the door. I tried to knock, but couldn't muster up the energy, so I just lay there and rested for a while. I was so tired. -oOo- "Oh my God. He's here! Brian, baby, what did you do to yourself? I need help!" He was cold. Too cold. His skin was pale and clammy. It felt like ice. I tried to lift Brian into the house, but he was a dead weight. Ben and Jason thundered to a stop behind me. "Pete, son, let us bring him in. You go run a hot bath. As hot as you can make it. Get some blankets and put them on the bathroom floor." I reluctantly let them take him and did as I was asked. Ben and Jason had taken off his sopping wet clothes They brought Brian into the bathroom laid him on the floor. "Gently now, Jason. Go get me a thermometer, Pete." I ran upstairs and got a thermometer from the upstairs bathroom, and returned to find the door closed. I opened the door, but it slammed shut in my face. "Don't open the door, son. We need the heat. Slide the thermometer under the door." I did as asked. "Jason, put his feet on your lap. That's a boy. Pete, call for an ambulance. Tell them Brian has acute hypothermia. Don't hang up until the operator tells you to. Go." I ran to the kitchen and dialed 911. The operator took the information and said an ambulance was on the way. I hung up and hurried back to the bathroom. "They're on the way!" "Good! Now go put your jacket on, and head down the driveway to the street. Make sure the ambulance can find us." I raced away to do as I was told. In retrospect, I now see what Ben was doing. He was keeping me occupied so I wouldn't have time to get hysterical. I don't think I would have gotten that way, but I'm just as glad we didn't find out. The paramedics arrival was a huge relief. They found the place with no problem, and sped up the driveway, leaving me to chase behind them. When I caught up with them, they were halfway in the house. "Where is he?" "In the bathroom with his dad and my brother." I pointed it out to them. "Are you okay?" "Yes, I'm fine." The medic nodded and followed his partner to the door of the bathroom. They knocked on the door. "EMS." The door opened a moment later, steam billowing out into the hall. I moved closer to hear what was said. "Thanks for getting here so fast. I'm an EMT." I didn't know Brian's dad was a paramedic. "Fifteen year old male suffering from acute hypothermia. Core temperature less than ninety rectally. No other discernable injuries. Pulse fifty, weak but steady, respiration nine, steady. No airway problems. He's an athlete, and in good shape. Treatment so far is the steam bath." "Okay. Good thinking on the shower. We'll handle it from here. Would you mind getting the cart and all the blankets?" "Sure. Be right back. Pete, give me a hand, please." We went to the ambulance and carried the cart up the steps and to the hallway. Jason was standing at the foot of the stairs watching. Ben pulled me back out of the way and prepared the blankets to be used. When he was done, he pulled me back to him. I had to ask. "Is he going to be okay?" Ben hugged me from behind as the paramedics loaded Brian's lifeless body onto the cart. "I don't know, son. It's too early to tell." The paramedics wrapped Brian in the blankets Ben had laid out, and then strapped him down to the cart. "We're going to OSHU Hospital." "We'll be right behind you." As they passed, I reached out and touched Brian's lips. They were still blue from the cold. Jason stood next to us watching Brian go. "I hope he'll be okay," he said. "I don't think I can make it if I lose another brother like this." Ben pulled him to us. We watched the paramedics load Brian in the bus and roar off, sirens blazing. We arrived at the hospital about ten-thirty. I'd found Brian about nine. Jason had called and left a message for Kevin, telling him what happened and where we were going before we left the house. I was surprised to see him in the lobby waiting for us. Ben shook his hand gravely. Jason embraced Kevin and started crying right there. I heard him saying, "Not again. Not like this." Kevin stroked the back of his head, whispering in his ear. Ben pulled me back into him, resting his hands on my shoulders. It was as close as he could come to a hug. We sat in the waiting room, hoping for word from the doctors caring for Brian. About noon, a doctor approached. "Mr. Kellam?" "Yes?" "Hello, I'm Dr. Markham. I'm treating your son." "How is he?" "He's stabilized. We're raising his temperature gradually, and watching his vitals. His heart stopped on the way in." I staggered a step, and was caught by Ben. "We resuscitated him easily, one discharge from the defibrillator was all it took. There's no sign of arrhythmia now. He's responding well, but he's not completely safe yet. We'll know more as he approaches normal body temperature." "What was his core temperature when you checked it?" The doctor gave Ben a measuring look. "Eighty-three. Twenty-eight-point-five centigrade." "Jesus," I whispered. Tears were falling down my face now. "When can I see him?" Dr. Markham looked at me, and with a slight nod from Ben, said, "We're still working with him right now. I can't give you time frame right now. It depends on his recovery." It was all I could do not to break down completely. "Thank you, Doctor," Ben said. Markham nodded and went back to help my Brian. Another man came up to us. "Mr. Kellam?" "Yes?" "My name is Bob Bryce. I work for family services. In any case like this, it is standard policy to conduct an interview to discover what happened to necessitate bringing your son in." "I understand." "If you'll come with me, please." He led the way into the bowels of the hospital to a small office. There were two chairs. Jason and I stood behind Kevin and Ben. "I understand- Brian, is it?- is suffering from hypothermia. How did he come to be outside on such a cold night?" Kevin answered. "He ran away from my house to Ben's house last night. It's about six miles." "What time did he leave your house?" "About seven." "I see. When did you locate him?" Ben said, "This morning about nine or so. We found him laying on the porch behind the house. He was soaking wet, and with the wind..." "Does Brian run away often?" "No." "Then why did he run away this time?" Kevin responded, "He's been living with me for the last four or five months. Over the last week, things have become... tense. He was upset." "So upset he needed to escape?" "Apparently so." "What upset him so much?" "My wife and I are divorcing." I stared at Kevin in shock. A single tear slid down Jason's cheek. "And this directly affects him how?" "He lives in our house. Of course it's going to have an effect." "You're right. I'm sorry." "Boys," Kevin said, "why don't you go find the cafeteria and get something to eat. Neither of you had breakfast, and we can take care of things here." I gave him a doubtful glance. "Go ahead, go on." Jason and I left reluctantly. As we walked down the hall looking for the cafe, Jason said, "This is all my fault. He wouldn't be in here if it weren't for me." "That's what Brian says of the whole situation." "That it's my fault?" "No, that it's his." We walked silently for a distance. "It's not his fault." "Do you want to hear his arguments?" "No. It doesn't matter. It's not his fault." "And him being in here isn't yours, Jason." "Then whose fault is it?" "No one's. This is life. Sometimes it throws us for a loop." "Too many loops." He looked at me until I met his eyes. "I'm not sure how much more I can take, Pete." "I know, Jason." I pulled Brian's ring out of my pocket, where I'd kept it since the night before. As I turned it over in my hand, and said, "I know exactly what you mean." -oOo- Dad and Ben found us in the cafeteria. We'd been talking quietly about everything that had happened in the last couple weeks, reassuring each other that we had no way of knowing things would have turned out this way. Jason kept insisting he was to blame for everything that had happened. "I didn't have to give it to them. I could have refused to write it. If I had, none of this would've happened." "Brian says that he's to blame because he asked you to write it in the first place. If he hadn't asked you, then none of it would have happened." I grasped his hand. "Jason, there's plenty of blame to go around, if that's what you want. But right now, we need you to be positive, if not for yourself, then for Dad, for me... for Brian." "He'll be okay, Pete. I know he will. Your dad knows what he was doing." "Why'd he have to run like that? Does he really think he's that unlovable?" Jason let my question hang in the air as Ben and Dad sat down. "God," Jason cried, "I forgot all about Ray!" Kevin sighed. "He left with Mrs. Cox this morning, right before you called." "He's gone? He's not coming back?" Kevin shook his head. "Unless he chooses to accept the adoption when it comes through." "Did he say anything?" "Not a word. He went quietly." "I'm going to get something to eat, Kevin. Do you want anything?" Dad stood. "Just something light, like a bagel, please." "Boys?" I said, "I'm not hungry." "Me either," said Jason. "They'll have bagels, too. And some OJ." "Okay. I'll need a hand." I volunteered. Ben put in his order as I pulled out three bagels. As I sliced them, he came to stand behind me. "How are you holding up, son?" "I'm doing okay right now. I'm trying not to think about it." "He's going to be fine, Pete. He's beyond the critical point, and safe with the doctors, now." "Brian's heart stopped!" "Which isn't unheard of in severe hypothermia cases. He's young, he's strong; he'll recover." "I hope you're right." I put the bagels in the toaster. He put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. "It might take a while for him to regain his strength, but he'll be back to the boy you fell in love with in no time." "He's always been the boy I loved." I turned to face him. "I know, Pete." Ben sighed. "Brian and I've talked a lot about what happened, what we did to keep you boys apart. I'm ashamed of myself, Pete. I don't think I've ever apologized to you. Now seems like a good time. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry. You don't know how sorry. It makes me sick when I think about how much happiness we've taken from his life. It's worse now that I see how happy he is with you. If we'd found a way to keep you together, maybe things wouldn't have turned out as they have." "Things haven't turned out all that bad, Ben. We're together now. At least, I hope we are." Ben frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?" I pulled Brian's ring out of my pocket. "He gave this back to me last night." Ben stared at the ring for a second. "Did he say why?" "He said he wanted me to be safe, and that I couldn't be with him around." "I don't understand." "He blames himself for everything that's happened here, from the divorce to Ray leaving." "Why?" The bagels popped out. "Help me smear these?" We spread cream cheese on the hot bagels. "Brian asked Jason to write about himself." "Okay..." "Jason wrote about Jeff's suicide. You know about that?" "Yes. The reason he did it was he was gay?" "Yeah. Well, Jason knew." "Okay. I'm with you now. Kevin told me the rest." A moments pause. "And Brian blames himself for even asking Jason to write?" I nodded. "Without that, the family would still be together, and Ray would still be with us. "Jason blames himself because he gave what he wrote to Kevin and Sharon. He could have kept it, or threw it away, but he gave it to them." "Everything fits together now." Ben's order was ready, so we took everything back to the table where Kevin and Jason were deep in conversation. Kevin's earnest look matched Jason's. They quieted as we sat. "Damn. Forgot the orange juice. Be right back." As Ben walked away, my dad asked, "Do you blame yourself, too?" "Maybe. I keep thinking there's something I could've done to prevent this." "Listen to me." Kevin took our hands in his. "You are not to blame for anything that has happened. No one is. Brian had no idea you'd write what you did, son. You had no idea your mom..." "She's not my mother." "...would react like she did. None of us knew Ray would do what he has. If you must take blame, then realize we are all to blame, not just you, Jason, or you, Pete, or Brian, or me. We are a family regardless of what's happened. We always will be." Jason snorted. "Yeah, but apparently family doesn't mean a lot to some people." "Do you love me?" "What kind of question is that?" "Do- you- love- me?" "Of course I do. You don't think I do?" "No, son. You tell me in ways you don't even realize. Do you believe I love you?" "Yeah. I know you do." Ben returned and passed around the OJ. "That's all that matters, then. We are family. You and I, Pete, Brian, Ray... all of us are a family." "And her?" Kevin sighed. "I don't know. She's filed for divorce. The few times I've talked to her have been... difficult." I said, "I still don't understand how she could do this to you. Or you, Jason." "I told Jason on Saturday," Kevin said, "so I might as well tell you too, son. "Jeff was Sharon's favorite. He always was. We argued about it a lot before he died. After, she never did get through his death. She was stuck in time, looking for someone or something to blame." "But she worked with us, with gay kids." "I convinced her that it was something we had to do, to help prevent another tragedy like Jeff. She went along with it, but her heart was never in it." "It sure didn't seem that way." "Trust me. We had more arguments about that. It seemed like we argued every night about something related to Jeff's death. "When Jason left his paper on the desk," Kevin continued, "we were both wondering what it was that could affect Jason like that. He's always been a happy kid," Kevin smiled at Jason, "except for Jeff's death. I remember him walking around in a daze for weeks, even months after Jeff died. Sharon did too. It was difficult. I had lost a son, and I had two walking dead in my home. "Jason finally worked his way through it. He found something to pursue. Sharon, however, had to be prompted for everything long after the funeral. She finally engaged herself about the time Ray came into our life. Sharon tried to replace Jeff with Ray, I think, but Ray is so far from Jeff's personality, it isn't even funny. "We read Jason's writing, but we only made it about halfway through. When Sharon read that Jason knew about Jeff's orientation, she started crying, and then started yelling. She was convinced Jason was responsible for Jeff's death. She wouldn't be dissuaded." Jason wiped a few tears away with his napkin. "Of course, he's not responsible. I tried and tried to convince her that he wasn't, that he couldn't have known Jeff would do what he did, but she wouldn't listen. You know the rest." No one had much to say after that. -oOo- Hours passed. Dad left about two for his office. Jason went with him. Ben and I went back to the waiting room. One of the nurses called us over to the desk. "Your son has been moved to the ICU. Dr. Markham left instructions that you'd be allowed to see him." She gave us directions to the ICU, and we thanked her. When we got to the ICU, I was surprised at how stark it was: white walls, machines everywhere, bright lights, a ton of nurses. Through the window, I saw Brian laying on a bed, blankets covering him. He looked to be sleeping. There was an IV stand next to him with tubes running under the blanket. The heart monitor showed a regular rhythm. He was intubated and attached to a respirator. A nurse saw us and came out. "You're here to see Brian Kellam?" "Yes. I'm his father. This is his boyfriend." The nurse didn't even blink. "You can go in and see him for a few minutes, but he hasn't regained consciousness yet." "How's his temperature?" "Thirty-five and rising. Ninety-five." "Prognosis?" "You'll have to ask the doctor. You can come in now." I followed Ben to Brian's bed. He was so pale. Ben reached out and stroked his cheek, just watching him. After a few moments, he let me move closer, and went to look at Brian's chart. I reached under the blankets to find Brian's hand. I was surprised how cold he felt, and that the IV was warm. I squeezed his hand. "I'm here, Brian. You're safe. I love you." Laying my head on his chest, I offered a prayer for Brian's swift recovery. Then I felt Brian squeeze my hand. I looked up quickly, and saw his eyes open slightly. I squeezed back, and stroked his arm. A tear rolled down his cheek. "It's okay, Brian. I understand." I took out his ring and slipped it over his left ring finger. "You can move it later, if you want, but I want you to have it." He squeezed my hand again. "I love you, Brian. You're not going to get rid of me." "He's awake?" Ben asked. "He just woke up when I took his hand." He smiled. "It's good to have you back, son. Rest and get well, okay?" Brian nodded slightly. "Pete, we need to go. He's got to rest." "Okay. Just a minute." He walked away, leaving Brian and I alone. "I have to go, baby, but there's something I have to tell you before I do. You don't have the right to decide if we are going to be together or not. It's something we decide together, okay? We make our decisions together." Another tear fell. "There's nothing you can do to make me stop loving you, Brian. Nothing. I'll be here for you, always." He squeezed my hand again, then gradually let go as he fell back to sleep. -oOo- The doctors said I recovered very quickly given what had happened to me, or rather, what I did to myself. After I was out of the ICU, they put me in a room with another kid my age who had been in a wreck. I didn't talk to him much; he just gave me a bad vibe. When he spoke, he was short tempered and sarcastic. I had nothing to say to him anyway. They unhooked me from everything but the heart monitor and IV when they moved me. Oh yeah. I had a catheter too. Happy, happy, joy, joy. I'd been brooding the whole time I was in the ICU, beating myself up for being so stupid. I knew better than to run out into a winter rain storm and then sleep outside. I'm not suicidal, but might as well have been, if you look at what I did. When I wasn't beating myself up for running into the night, I beat myself up for hurting Pete. I just don't understand why I keep hurting him. It's not intentional. I don't start out trying to do it, but it always ends up that way, no matter what I do. Pete had given my ring back to me. I still wore it on the left hand, even though it was a bit loose. I couldn't stop playing with it. Occasionally I'd take it off and stare at the inscription: You're good enough for me. I still didn't understand what it was that Pete saw, but this ring proved he saw something. Whatever it was, I was lucky to have him after everything I've put him through. Pete and Dad came into the room shortly after I'd been moved, all smiles. I smiled back, but I'm not sure if I convinced them. Maybe they thought I was just weak from the hypothermia. I happened to be channel surfing when they arrived. Both looked happy to see me getting back to myself, grousing about not finding anything to watch. "How're you feeling, son?" "I'm okay. Still tired. Did you bring me anything to eat?" "No. You're doctor said you're on a soft food diet for a few more days. Then you'll probably be able to go home." "I feel fine. I want to go home now." "You know better than that, Brian. Did they tell you your heart stopped?" I shuddered. "It did?" "Yes. They had to shock you to get it restarted. You'll understand why we're being so cautious with this." "Okay. Today's Wednesday, right?" "No, Thursday." I shuffled over in the bed to make room for Pete. He grinned and jumped up beside me. I gave him the first decent hug I'd had all week. His embrace wasn't quite as tight as I would have liked, but it was enough. "I missed you," I whispered. "I missed you so much. I hate being here alone." "I miss you too, Bri, but I want you to get better." We'd avoided speaking of the events that led up to my near-fatal escapade into the dark. Neither of us wanted to think about it. All that mattered was we were still together. The three of us spent the evening together watching TV and talking. Jason and Kevin came by about seven-thirty, just long enough to say hi and pick up Pete. Kevin insisted he go to school because he'd missed so much already. Pete didn't put up too much of a fight when I told him he had to go and get my homework anyway. He kissed me on the lips before he left, and said, "I love you, Brian. With all my heart." "I love you, too, Pete. Hurry back?" "As soon as I can. Shortly after, Dad gathered his things to go as well. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "Thank you. I mean, well, I wouldn't be alive now, if..." I wasn't even sure I comprehended what that meant. He hugged me to him tightly. When he let me go, I saw tears in his eyes. "It's what I'm here for, Brian. I don't want to see Pete have to go through life without you at his side." "Pete told me you told a nurse he was my boyfriend." "Yes, I did. You don't want me to do that?" "No, it's not that. I was just wondering why." "I wanted to make sure Pete could see you." "Oh." Dad picked up his things, kissed me on the forehead, and said, "Good night. I'll be back tomorrow afternoon." "G'night. Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I love you." "I love you too, Brian." "Bye." Dad smiled and left, leaving me alone once more. -oOo- Pete came in the next day after he got out of school., and tossed my backpack on the bed next to me. It was heavy. "Here's your homework. That'll give you something to do when you can't find anything on TV." "Gee, thanks." "No problem, babe." "C'n you fags keep it quiet over there? I'm trying to sleep!" My room mate. "Ignore him. He's an ass." "Fuck you." Pete and I cracked up at the kid's rejoinder, which earned us a growl, but we did try to keep it down. I moved aside and patted the bed. Pete jumped up and sat with me, holding me as we watched some cartoons. I fell asleep in his arms, and was awakened gently for dinner. Hospital food sucks. Well, most of it sucks. It's really hard to screw up Jell-o or fruit. They still had me on a soft-foods diet, so I got cream of chicken soup, which tasted like cream of cardboard, complete with little chunks. I ate it anyway. Afterwards, Pete and I did some homework together. I was lucky enough to have kept up with things the weeks I was out, so what I'd missed in addition wasn't difficult. Sharing that little table was a challenge though. When we'd finished, I was exhausted. I settled down in Pete's arms and dozed while he watched the TV. I felt safe with his arms around me, safer than I'd felt since... I couldn't remember when. Pete let me sleep until Kevin and Jason got there. They didn't stay long, just long enough to ask me how I was doing and tell me to get well. I was asleep in no time. When I awoke the next morning for breakfast, there was a note on the table from my dad.: Son, I didn't want to wake you when I came in. You were sound asleep, and you need your rest. I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to check on you. Get well, son. We all want you home, especially Pete. I love you. Dad I kinda wished he would have woken me up. I hated being alone in there with Mongo. He was unpleasant. I would be minding my own business and he'd yell at me for some imagined slight. Just as I was about to tell him off that afternoon, he was moved to a different room, praise God. The doctor came in and gave me the good news: the catheter could come out. The doctor said it was only gonna hurt a little bit when he removed it. Yeah, right. A root canal without benefit of anesthesia is the closest thing I could come up with. I cursed a blue streak while he got the damn thing loose. Damn sadist, anyway. And then, to make matters worse, he grabbed me and started pulling my penis this way and that, looking for an infection, he says. And guess what happened? Good thing he ignored it, because I would've decked him. Pete and Jason came in after school that Friday afternoon. We talked about what was happening at school, and at home. I found out that Sharon and Kevin were getting a divorce. All I could do is shake my head. I started crying, too. Jason asked, "Brian, what are you crying about?" "This is all my fault." "Of course it's not!" "Yes, it is! If I hadn't asked you to write that stuff..." "But you did, and I chose to write it. Then I chose to give it to them. I had no idea Sharon would react like she did." The fact that he didn't call her "mom" was not lost on me. "Neither of us knew. You asked what you did with good intentions. I wrote it with good intentions. I gave it to them because I couldn't handle the guilt I felt anymore. Then she made her choice. It's no one's fault, Brian. Dad made sure I understand that. We're all human, and shit happens." "I'm sorry, Jason." He moved to stand beside me. "For what, bro? You didn't do anything wrong. Nothing at all." I dropped my eyes to my hands. "Neither did I." He grabbed me by the back of the neck and pulled my forehead to his. We were eye to eye. "I still love you. Nothing has changed. Dad loves you, too. He doesn't blame you, so why should you blame yourself? You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing, okay?" I started crying again. Jason and Pete took turns soothing me. I don't know that they convinced me I wasn't to blame, but they did convince me that I wasn't solely to blame. Jason and Pete told me of Ray's departure matter-of-factly. They both were saddened by his leaving, Jason especially. He'd lost another brother, and I'm sure he blamed himself, just like I blamed myself for everything that had happened. My dad came by about six. He looked tired, but seemed happy to see me awake for a change. We talked some more about what had happened, with my dad adding his perspective. Kevin had been confiding in Dad more and more as time went on. They were becoming good friends. Now, if they could find something in common, like golf. Kevin didn't come by that night. Not that I really expected him to, but it would have been nice. Everyone left at the end of visiting hours. Pete promised he'd be back as soon as he could the next morning. I got a new roomie that night. The nurses woke me up about one o'clock by turning on the lights. I could hear a little boy crying. They arranged the bed and hooked him up, then turned out the light and left. As the door shut, one of the nurses said, "It's okay Timmy. Try to get some sleep." Then she shut the door. He began crying harder. "Timmy?" I asked quietly. "Who's there?" The sniffling quieted a bit. "My name's Brian. I heard the nurse say yours. Are you okay?" "I'm fine." The kid sounded like he was seven or eight. "How old are you?" "I'm eight. How old are you?" "Fifteen. What happened to you?" "Nothing." "Well, there's got to be a reason you're in here, right?" "What's yours?" "I was kinda stupid. I got all wet and slept outside." "It's cold out there!" "I know. I almost froze to death." "Wow, really?" "Really. My heart even stopped." "Wow! Cool!" The kid was excited that my heart stopped.. Looking at it from his perspective though, I can see where he might find it interesting to talk to someone who's heart had quit beating. "And they brought you back to life?" "Sorta kinda. I wasn't really dead, but I could have been if not for the doctors and ambulance men." "Well, my heart didn't stop, but I did break my arm." "How did you do that?" I asked, sounding suitably impressed. "My da... I fell." "Wow. How far?" "Down the stairs. My daddy brought me to the hospital to get a cast. I would have gone home tonight, but the doctors made daddy leave me here. They said they needed to run some tests." What kind of tests, I wonder. "Are you sleepy?" "Kind of." "Do you think you can go to sleep if you try?" "I think so... but I'm afraid of the dark. I'm afraid something will get me." "Nothing will get you, Timmy. I'll protect you, okay?" "I don't think you can." "Why not?" "It's big things that get me. Bigger'n you. Can we leave the light on?" "Let me see if the nurses have a night light, okay?" "Please?" He was pleading with me! The nurse came in shortly after I pressed the call button. "Timmy, I thought I told you to get some sleep." "Um, I called." "Oh, sorry, Timmy. What is it, Brian?" "Do you have a nightlight? I'm afraid of the dark. Something big might get me." She looked at me strangely, face illuminated by the hall lights, then comprehension dawned. Winking, she said, "Oh. Okay, let me see." She returned a few moments later with a little night light and plugged it in under the TV. It cast a dim glow throughout the room, enough to see by. "Is that better?" I pretended to look around the room, and saw Timmy nod yes. "Much better, thank you." "Good night, boys. Sleep well." The nurse left and the door swung shut behind her. "Why'd you do that?" "Why'd I do what?" "Tell her you were afraid of the dark? I'm afraid, not you." "I know. But it's our secret, okay? I won't tell anyone if you don't." He grinned happily in the faint light. "Okay. Thanks." "Any time, Timmy. Good night." "G'night." And with that, I made a young friend and managed to get some sleep that night. -oOo- Pete came in about nine the next morning. Breakfast had already come and gone. Timmy and I were watching cartoons. I introduced them at the first commercial break. "Timmy, this is my best friend, Pete. Pete, this is my new friend, Timmy. "Please'ta'mee'cha, Pete." Timmy extended his small hand to Pete, which he shook gravely. "Nice to meet you, too. Wow! Look at that cast!" Timmy was sporting the newest in cast styles. It was a solid royal blue color. "How'd you get it?" A moment of silence. "I fell down the stairs." I added, "The doctors made him stay for some tests." Timmy nodded. "Uh huh! But they haven't done any tests yet." "Well," Pete said, "Some of those tests are pretty cool!" "Yeah, I know!" Timmy began to regale us with his experiences at doctors offices. It seemed that he had spent a lot of time in various offices for various reasons. "This is the third time my arm's been broken," he said animatedly. "What else has happened to you?" "Lessee. Broken leg a couple of times, broke my nose, lotsa cuts and bruises, that kinda thing." "Wow. You seem like you have a lot of accidents." "Well," he paused, his manner becoming more subdued, "I guess." "Timmy?" I asked, "Can I ask you a question?" "I guess." "Was all of that accidents? Or was some of it done to you on purpose?" Pete glanced at me. Before he could answer, a nurse and a doctor came in and pulled the curtain between our beds. Over the curtain, we heard my fears confirmed. Timmy was an abused child. Pete and I spent the rest of the day being Timmy's friends. We played cards with him, told him jokes, watched more cartoons, whatever we could think of. The kid was pathetically happy with all the attention we gave him. He never did answer the question I had asked him, but after seeing some of the bruises he wore, he didn't have to. A little after three that afternoon, a woman came in to speak with Timmy. She closed the curtain around his bed, for all the privacy that gave them. "Hello, Timothy. My name is Susanne Cox. I work with family services. Do you know what that means?" HOLY SHIT! Ray's caseworker! Pete was as dumbfounded as I was. We sat there stunned as she explained what was going to happen to Timmy. He was being taken from his family and given to his grandmother on his mom's side. She'd agreed to take him, and since she was on the other side of town, his father would have fewer chances to hit him. When the conversation was over, we got a chance to speak with her. Pete called her. "Excuse me, Mrs. Cox?" "Yes?" "I'm... we... are Ray Branton's brothers." "Oh, the Patterson boy and his boyfriend. Jason, isn't it?" "No ma'am. I'm Peter. This is Brian." "Oh yes, now I remember. What can I do for you?" "How is Ray? We didn't get a chance to say good bye." "He's adjusting. It will take awhile. Boys like Raymond are hard to place." "Where is he now?" "I can't divulge that information. I'm sorry, boys. I can only imagine what he meant to you, but he's moved on. The sooner you adjust to that the better. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some paperwork to do. Dinner came. I wasn't very hungry, but I ate mechanically at Pete's insistence. Dad, Kevin, and Jason arrived about five. The doctor came in about six and gave us the good news that I'd be discharged the next day. That raised my spirits quite a bit. Everyone went home at eight, when visiting hours ended. It wasn't until the lights turned out that I realized I was afraid for Timmy. The nightlight reminded me of how afraid a young boy could be, especially when he couldn't trust his parents. I cried for him, never having had a loving family. I cried for Ray, and for every other abused kid out there that hasn't known a parents loving touch. Why can't people just love their children? I was finally discharged. The doctor said everything was normal; that he couldn't find any lasting effects of my ordeal. Dad wheeled me out to where Kevin waited with the van. Pete and Jason helped me climb in. I was surprised how much effort I had to expend for that simple task. My limbs felt disconcertingly woozy. I was as weak as a kitten. We drove to Pete's house. I tried to climb the stairs to our bedroom, but I leaned against Pete and Jason most of the way. They settled me in, and admonished me to call someone if I needed to get up for any reason. Then they left me alone again. I fell asleep somewhere in there, and woke up about four that afternoon. I had to pee. Ignoring what I'd been told, I got up and struggled my way to the bathroom. I could hear everyone else down stairs. The only thing missing was Ray's boisterous voice. While I was in the bathroom, I decided to take a shower. I wasn't that ripe, but I felt dirty. I started the water and undressed. When the temperature was right, I climbed into the tub and just let the water cascade over me. I inched the temperature higher and higher until it was as hot as I could stand. I heard the door open. "Brian?" "In here, babe." "I thought I told you to call if you needed to get up." Pete opened the curtain a little to look in at me. "I'm feeling a lot better than I was when I got home." "Yeah, I bet you are," He said sarcastically. "Don't move. I'll be back in a second." I just stood there in the steaming spray. Pete climbed in and wrapped his arms around me from behind. "Jesus, Brian. What are you trying to do? Boil yourself to death? You're as red as a lobster!" "It's not that hot. I'll turn it down." Pete moved closer to me, until I could feel his body against me. "How do you really feel, Bri?" "Good. A little shaky still, but good." He held me for a moment. "You scared me, baby." "It was just down the hall. No problem." "That's not what I mean." I turned to face him. "I'm sorry." "Why did you do it? Why did you run away?" I sank into his arms and started crying. I didn't know why, I just did. Pete just held me, whispering in my ear until I wound down. Finally, I said, "It seemed like it was the only thing I could do. I've hurt all of you so much. None of you deserve anything I've caused, especially you. If I went away, I wouldn't hurt you anymore." "Brian, you running away hurt me more than anything else," he said gently. "See? Even by trying to protect you, I hurt you." "I just want to understand, Brian really understand what's going through your mind." "Why do you put up with me?" "Stop it, Brian. Just stop." "I can't. It's the way I'm wired. I can't help it." He looked in my eyes, with tears in his. "What happened to make you think that way about yourself?" We held each other until the cold water interrupted our tears.