Date: Mon, 22 Apr 2002 12:06:21 -0700 (PDT)
From: Dwayne <dewey2k@yahoo.com>
Subject: Brian and Pete Chapter 12

Brian and Pete
Chapter Twelve
Soul Searching

Copyright Notice - Copyright (c)October 2001 by DeweyWriter Ltd.  This
story is copyrighted by the author and the author retains all rights.  This
work may not be duplicated in any form, physical, electronic, audio, or
otherwise without the authors expressed written permission.  All applicable
copyright laws apply and will be enforced.

Legal Disclaimer: This story is a work of erotic fiction involving teenage
boys partially based on real people and events.  Names have been changed to
protect the guilty as well as the innocent.  All the usual rules apply.  If
it is illegal for you to be reading this now, then don't continue.
--ooOOoo-

Monday.  School.  Well, for everyone but me, anyway.  I've won the dubious
honor of being confined to bed.  The doctor said I could go back on
Wednesday morning if I felt up to it, but if I got tired, I was to lay down
in the nurse's office until someone could take me home.  Yeah, like I'm
going to do that.  Pete had managed to get away without me waking to say
goodbye.  I was a bit miffed that he didn't wake me, but I could understand
his position.  If I looked anything like he did while sleeping, I'd let me
sleep, too.

Kevin had to go to court, so that left me to my own devices for the day.
As he left, he told me I wasn't allowed outside at all, and that I had to
keep warm.  Socks and sweats with a blanket were a must if I was going to
be downstairs... on and on.  If I needed someone, I was to call the next
door neighbor, and then him or my dad.  I finally managed to convince Kevin
that I would obey his dictates so he'd leave me alone.  Climbing back in
bed helped convince him, I think.

I slept again after Kevin left, and finally got up about noon.  I hated the
fact that I was so weak.  Getting down the stairs and to the kitchen to
make myself lunch tired me more than I thought it would.  I had to sit at
the table for awhile before I felt up to going out to the couch.  At this
rate, I wouldn't go to school at all this week.

I laid on the couch watching TV and dozing until Jason and Pete came home
from school.  I was surprised to see Jared with them.

Pete came over as soon as he got in the door.  "Hey Bri, how ya doing?"

"I feel fine.  No problems."

"Uh huh.  Think you'll be able to go to school day after tomorrow?"

"Hope so.  It's boring laying here trying to find something to watch.  I
can only take so much of staged cat fights, freaks, and people sleeping
with their step-children."

He grinned.  "Sounds like fun!"

"Hi, Brian."

"Hi, Jason.  How was school?"

"Boring as usual.  I can't wait for the end of the year.  My teachers are
so lame.  I hate it when they preach."

"What do you mean?"

"My government teacher is a die hard liberal.  Spent the sixties in
Berkley.  He's trying to convince us that the Viet Nam war was a mistake,
and anyone who went there got what they deserved."

"What?"  I was suddenly consumed with a cold anger.  My Dad served over
there.  He didn't deserve the mindfuck they gave him to turn him into a
killing machine.  He was still trying to recover.

He must have read my expression. "Brian, it's okay.  He didn't make any
converts."  I just nodded, and kept my anger to myself.  This was more than
Jason had ever said about his school experience since I'd known him.

"Hi, Brian," Jared said sheepishly.  He was standing in the background,
hiding behind Jason.

"Hi, Jared.  I told you.  Do you believe me now?"

"Yeah, Brian.  I do."

"We had a talk at lunch," Jason said.  "Everything's cool."

"Glad to hear it."  Jason took Jared snack hunting in the kitchen.

Pete asked, "How do you REALLY feel?"

"Fine, babe.  Still a bit tired, but I'm a lot better than I was
yesterday."

"Did you eat?"

"Yeah.  They'll be lucky to find anything in the cupboards.  I think the IV
and the hospital food increased my appetite."

"Good!  Glad to hear that's back to normal."

"Yeah, well, that's not all that's back to normal," I said, wagging my
eyebrows.

"Tease.  You'll have to wait, though."

"Why?" I whined.

"Because I have to get something to eat, and we have company."

"Oh, all right.  But you owe me."

"Oh, I owe you.  I owe you big time!"

"What's going on in here?"  Jason startled us as he poked his head back
into the living room.

"Looks like they need some privacy, I'd say."  Jared was watching us too,
grinning.

"Hey," I said, "It's been a long time."

Jason snorted.  "Yeah, like Monday night last week?"

I grew thoughtful.  "A lot has happened since then."

Jason's voice softened.  "Yes, it has.  Brian, you have to, I mean, you
don't, um, well..."  He ran his hand through his hair, obviously struggling
with something.  I'd never seen Jason like this. "Why is this so hard?  I
have something I want to tell you." He came and sat on the floor next to
the couch.

I rolled over so I could see him more clearly.  Jared had retreated to the
kitchen.  Jason sat silently for a moment, then spoke again.

"When I lost Jeff, my world came crashing down around me.  He was more than
my brother.  He was my best friend.  Until Spence came along, we did
everything together.  Jeff made sure that his friends always took me when
they would go off and do something.  If they didn't, he wouldn't go.  He
looked out for me.

"When SHE left, it hurt me a lot, but it didn't have the same effect as
Jeff's death for some reason.  Maybe I'm still in shock, or denial; I'm not
sure.  But I have to tell you guys..."  He ran his hand through his hair in
frustration.  "I wish I knew why this is so hard for me."  He took a deep
breath and let it out in a gust, and began speaking quickly, like he was
afraid he wouldn't get it out.

"When I heard that you were in the hospital and might die, Brian, I felt
the same things I felt when I found Jeff after he did what he did.  The
exact- same- emotions.  I've told you before, I love you as a brother.  I
just hope that you can believe it, because if you don't, and you do leave
us, I'll hunt you down and kill you."  He half grinned.  "You're family to
me, Brian.  I mean it.  You're as much my brother as Jeff was, or Pete is.
I love you.  I love both of you.  I don't want anything to happen to you.
Neither does Dad.  Neither did Ray."  A shadow crossed Jason's face as he
mentioned his foster-brother.  "I wish he were here."

"Me too, Jason," I said quietly.  "I love you too, as much as I'm capable
of.  I owe you so much..."

"No, you don't.  This's what big brothers are for, to help their little
brothers along."  Jason knelt, and hugged me tightly as he whispered,
"Don't you ever do anything like this to me again.  I don't think I could
handle it."  He backed off and looked me in the eyes, then kissed me on the
forehead before joining Jared in the kitchen.

"Wow."  It was all I could say.

"I told you.  Kevin told you.  Maybe now that Jason's told you, it'll sink
in.  They WANT you here."

"And what do you want?"

Pete hugged me, kissing me on the lips as he did so.  "Me?  I want you in
bed."

"Tease.  You'll have to wait, though.  We have company."  He grinned as I
turned his words against him.  God, I love him.

Jason called, "We're baking a pizza.  You guys want a slice?"

"Sure," I answered.

Pete sat up, and looked deeply into my eyes.  "Brian, you're okay."

"Uh, yeah."

"Inside, I mean.  You're okay inside.  There's nothing wrong with you."

"Huh?"

Pete looked into my eyes, searching my soul.  "Sometimes you can be
incredibly dense, Bri."  He kissed my nose.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Don't worry about it, baby.  Just another thing that I love you for."  He
stood.  "Kitchen?"

"Yeah.  The pizza smells good."

Jared spent the rest of the afternoon with us, as much to prove to himself
we still counted him a friend as anything else.  He was depressed, but that
was easy to understand.  Ray had said some pretty awful things to him, and
I don't think Jared told us everything that he DID say.  No one should say
that kind of stuff to anyone, especially a boyfriend.

We munched as Jared brought us up to speed on the gossip we'd missed in the
weeks we'd been gone, and talked about how he'd been treated since he outed
himself the week prior.

"For the most part, nothing's changed.  Most of my friends are still my
friends.  A couple people couldn't handle it and don't talk to me, but
that's okay.  They weren't really friends anyway.  No one bothers me in gym
class.  No comments or anything."  Pete and I digested that information.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to come out after all.

"Oh!" Jared continued, "And you won't believe this.  Brent's dumping all
his buddies!"

"What?"  I couldn't believe my ears.

"Yeah!  The way I hear it, he's torqued because they threatened you guys,
and he wants nothing to do with them.  Everyone's pissed at Brent, but he
doesn't care.  Isn't that awesome?"

"Yeah, I guess."  Wonders never cease.

"You don't seem too excited, Brian."

"I had a talk with Brent last Monday about that very thing.  I told him he
judges people on appearances only, and that's why he underestimated me that
first day.  I guess he took it to heart."

Pete looked askance at me. "Is that what you guys were talking about after
the coach had you in?"

I nodded.  "Yeah.  We cleared the air a bit.  After class he said that he
didn't consider me an enemy anymore."

Jared appeared awestruck.  "Do you think he's doing this because of what
you said?"

"I doubt it."

Jason watched me dissemble with a thoughtful expression, while Jared
continued.  "No, man.  You turned him around.  He's not with his mob
anymore."

"That doesn't mean he won't still be and asshole, Jared."

Jared sighed. "True.  Oh!  Did you hear what happened to the guys that
pulled the knife on you, Pete?"

"No."

"When they were hauled in and questioned by the cops, they confessed they
were going to attack you and Brian."

"How remarkably stupid," Pete said, seemingly disinterested.

"Yeah, well, they're both gonna serve time."

I sighed.  Stupid, stupid, stupid!  All this over a fight that shouldn't
have happened in the first place.  "I feel sorry for them."  Every face
turned to mine in surprise.  "Well, I do.  They ruined their entire lives
over something incredibly dumb.  They'll go into the system and come out
worse than they were when they went in."

"Brian," Pete said softly, "They were going to KILL you."

"I know.  It still doesn't make me feel any better. They've destroyed
themselves because of something I did."  No one responded.

Conversation picked up again and continued around me.  Should I feel guilty
because they acted as they did?  Was it my fault?  Was the compassion I was
feeling misplaced?  I certainly never felt this way about anyone else who'd
wronged me before.  But had they wronged me?  Did what they put Pete
through that afternoon directly affect me?  Not the way it played out, it
didn't.  Did I have the right to forgive those two when the direct assault
was against Pete?  Most definitely not.

Pete and I hadn't really discussed the feelings he had from that day.  He
was always concerned with me and how fragile I was emotionally.  He's
always been my rock.  Suddenly, I was wondering: who was his rock?  It
seemed like he never came to me with any issues he was dealing with, unless
they were my issues, too.  It wasn't right.  I needed to step up and help
him the way he's helped me.  Hell, I didn't even know how he really felt
about Ray leaving, or his real feelings about what I'd done to myself.  He
was always upbeat when we talked about it, but was that an act?  Was he
hiding real pain behind a facade, so I wouldn't know he was hurting?  A lot
to think about.

I sat brooding silently for the rest of the afternoon until Kevin came home
and started playing Twenty Questions with me regarding my health.  Jared
said goodbye, and Jason invited him over the next day.  He declined, saying
he had a doctor's appointment.  Pete and Jason fixed us dinner while Kevin
and I relaxed in the living room.  I'd tried to help, but both of them gave
me an emphatic "NO!"  What's a guy to do when he's being waited on hand and
foot?

"Kevin?" I asked.

"Yes, son?"

I smiled.  It made me feel good when he called me 'son'.  "Has there been
any progress in Ray's case?"

"Yes.  We're closer to getting parental rights severed.  Maybe sometime
this week or next.  Then we pursue the adoption."

"Do you think Ray'll want to come back?"

He sighed.  "We can only hope so, Brian."  He changed the subject abruptly.
"You know that Thursday is Jason's birthday, right?"

"Oh shit!  No, I didn't.  Maybe Pete and I can go out tomorrow night to get
something for him?"  I knew I was pushing it, because the doctor said I was
supposed to take it easy until Wednesday morning.

Kevin gave me a lopsided grin.  "We'll see how you feel tomorrow night,
okay."

"Thanks, Kevin."

"Sure, kiddo."

"Jason had a short talk with me today."

"Regarding how he feels about you?"  I nodded.  "I've been trying to get
him to talk to you for quite a while now.  I'm glad he did.  Do you
understand now?"

"It doesn't make sense to me, but yes, I think I understand now."

"Why doesn't it make sense?"

"Do we have to go over that again?  I'm sick of explaining."

"Yes, we do."  I sighed.  Why couldn't they leave it alone?

"It doesn't make sense because I don't see anything inside me worthy of
that kind of love."  It was getting easier to make that statement without
the emotions, thank God.

"I see.  Then why would we want you around?"

"Pity?  Maybe you feel an obligation to put up with the little lost gay
kid.  I dunno."

"Dinner's ready!" Pete called from the kitchen.

"This conversation isn't through, Brian.  We'll continue it after dinner."
Great.  Fucking wonderful.  Now I had something to look forward to.  I was
already nervous enough.

Everyone was talkative at dinner.  I even managed to hold up my end of
things.  Kevin brought up Jason's birthday, and I was perversely pleased to
see the same panic in Pete's eyes that I'd had.  Kevin asked Jason what he
wanted, but I knew that: he wanted his brother back. Jason wouldn't say
that, though, so he said something about a couple of books and a few CDs.
Pete and I had to find him something he'd love.

When the dishes were cleaned up, Kevin called a family meeting, surprising
Pete and Jason.  I tried to beg off as too tired, but Kevin didn't believe
me.  "Besides," Kevin said, "You can lay on the couch up there as easily as
in your bed."  After some grumbling, I followed Pete into the office to
meet my fate.

"All right, everyone settled?"  Jason, Pete and I were sitting on the
couch, and Kevin was sitting in one of the 'hot seats' in front of the
desk.  "Good.  Brian and I were having a conversation just before dinner.
I think it's important enough to bring up here, for all of us."

"I don't want to talk about this," I protested, but Kevin continued.  I did
NOT want to have this conversation again!  I've been explaining these
things over and over until I couldn't stand it!

"Brian seems to think that we keep him around out of pity or some sort of
obligation.  I want to set him straight."

"Brian..." Pete said, but I ignored him, leapt to my feet, and virtually
screamed at Kevin.

"Look!  I know that you guys don't keep me here because of pity.  I know
that you aren't obligated to me!  I know that you guys love me.  Why can't
you just leave it alone?  I DON'T want to TALK about this!"

"Brian, baby, sit down."

Again I ignored Pete's pleading.  "I'm going to bed."  Half way to the
door, Kevin's quiet, but firm voice stopped me.

"Brian, wait."  I turned to face him.  "Why does it upset you to talk about
this?  You've already said we know all about it, right?"  I nodded
cautiously.  "Then there's no reason to hide from us, Brian.  Why are you
hiding?"

"I just..."  My aggravation melted away.  I dropped my eyes, feeling
defeated.  "This is so fucked up."  I sat next to Pete again, resting my
face in my hands.  "I'm sick of being this way.  I hate it, and I don't
know how to change it."

"What way, Brian?"  I shrugged.  God, I hate crying like this.  "Brian,
what is it?  What do you hate?"

As I wiped my eyes on my sweatshirt sleeve, I said, "I hate not being able
to feel that you guys really do love me.  I hate not being able to feel
that Pete loves me, or my parents, or anyone.  I hate that I know these
things in my HEAD, but not in my HEART.  And I hate constantly being
reminded of it!"  Jason and Pete both put an arm around my shoulders as I
sat there, miserable. "NOW do you understand?  I can't change it."  I
looked in Pete's eyes as long as I could before dropping my gaze once more.

"Because of that, I wonder, every- single- fucking- day, whether I'm giving
Pete everything he deserves.  I wonder if I'm holding back, hiding the way
I really feel about him.  I'm constantly worried that I won't be able to
give him what he wants and needs, and that he'll say goodbye.  I'm so
afraid to do anything that might upset him that I do nothing at all, even
if I know it would be okay.  I'm afraid to be myself, because that could be
the last straw.  It's like I'm in a minefield, and I see no way out.  One
misstep and it's over.

"I'm walking on eggshells around you guys for the same reason.  I'm scared
that you'll finally realize what I am, and that you've had enough, and that
you'll kick me out."

"And what are you, Brian?" Kevin asked.

"I'm a fucking LOSER is what I am!"

"Brian, you know we wouldn't kick you out," Jason said.

I stood and whirled on him.  "Of course I KNOW that!  Haven't you been
listening?  Logically I know!  Every time you tell me that you love me, and
that you want me to be around, I KNOW you mean it!  The problem is it
doesn't sink in!  It NEVER has!

"Another thing I know is that I'm not good enough!  Not in my head, or in
my heart!  I don't deserve to be around you!  I'm so sick of this shit!  I
just want it to go away!"  Everyone was quiet as my tirade ended.  Neither
Kevin nor Jason would meet gaze.  Pete watched me with tears in his eyes,
and stood to come to me, but I stopped him with a shake of my head. I know
it hurt him, but I needed to be alone.  Always, I hurt him.  "I'm going to
bed."  I walked out of the silent room to wallow in my self pity.

--ooOOoo--

I sat heavily next to Jason.  Brian was so miserable.  I longed to go after
him, but he didn't want me to.  God, that hurt so much.

"Well," Kevin said, "That's certainly not what I had in mind when I got you
guys up here."

"I knew he had low self-esteem," Jason said slowly, "but I had no idea it
went that deep."

"How could you NOT?"  I was livid.  "You know how many times he's tried to
get away from me for just this reason!  BOTH of you knew how hard it is for
him to believe he belongs here!"

"Pete, calm down."

"No!  I have more to say!  He just got out of the hospital.  Why?  Because
he tried to run away from me- again- and it almost KILLED him!  He told me
earlier that he left because he couldn't stand to hurt me, or you guys, any
more.  Brian tried to do the right thing as he saw it, and it just caused
more pain!  He thinks that's all he's CAPABLE of!

"Grilling him like this just makes it worse."  I dropped my eyes to my
hands, ignoring the tears in my eyes.  "Sometimes he can forget what he
thinks and feels about himself, and be happy, just for a little while.  But
there's always something that comes along and reminds him.  It's so
ingrained in him that sometimes I can't get through.  I looked at Kevin
again.  "Do you know he cries himself to sleep?"  I pointed in the
direction of our room.  "If we go in there in ten minutes, he'll be crying.
He sees it as another sign of his weakness.  When I'm in there with him, he
tries not to cry, but sometimes, it's too much for him.  He waits until he
thinks I'm asleep.  He acts so strong, but it's just an act."

Kevin asked, "What about you, Pete?"

"Me?  I take care of him the best I can.  Emotionally, he gives me way more
than he realizes.  Physically, we're fine.  It's our friendship that
suffers, because he withdraws into his shell.  When he does that, there's
no reaching him until he's ready."

"Are you content to be his caretaker then?"

"As long as it takes for him to get better."

"And if he can't, or doesn't?"  Kevin's question angered me anew.

I glared at him.  "You don't think he can?"

"I'm no shrink.  I have no idea what can or can't be accomplished."

I stood quickly and glared daggers at Kevin, enraged.  "Then why ask the
FUCKING QUESTION?"

"Easy, Pete.  I'm sorry."

"That's not good enough!  If you don't think he's gonna get better, then
FUCK- YOU!  I'm going to do what it takes so Brian can get the help he
needs to be happy, if not with me, then with someone else.  With or without
your support."

I stormed out of the office, fuming, and slammed the door behind me.  How
dare he tell me Brian's not going to get any better?  How the hell would he
know anyway.

I paced back and forth until I calmed enough to go into the bedroom.
Opening the door slightly, I could hear Brian crying quietly.  He stopped
when I came in, quickly drying his eyes and snuffling.

"Bri, can I come in?"

"It's your room."

"It's OUR room."  I closed the door quietly, and began to undress.  Brian
kept his back to me.  I climbed in behind him and held him to me.  He
didn't respond.

"Brian, they're concerned about you, just like I am."

"I know."

"They didn't mean to hurt you."

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For not stopping them."

He shrugged.  "Shit happens."

"Are you angry?"

"No."

"Brian, please talk to me."

"I said everything I to say."

"Please?"  He turned in my arms, eyes brimming with tears.  He spoke
quietly.  "What do you want me to say, Pete?  What more can I say.  You of
all people should know how I feel, what I think."

"I know, Brian.  I do know what you're thinking.  You said some of it in
the office, but some of it... do you really feel like you can't be yourself
around me?"

"Sometimes.  It's not your fault.  Maybe it's not so much that I can't be
myself, but that I don't really know who I am."

"Brian, you're only fifteen.  You aren't supposed to know who you are until
you're thirty or so, then you forget again for your midlife crisis."  I
giggled, and was rewarded with a wan smile.  "But seriously, who you are is
my boyfriend, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with."  I
kissed his forehead and pulled his head into my chest.  "I love you, Brian.
Nothing is going to change that.  I'm going to keep telling you that until
it sinks into your heart."

"What if it never does?  Things aren't fair to you the way it is now.  All
you do is take care of me.  I never do anything for you."

"First off, I'll be the judge of what's fair or unfair for me.  Secondly,
you do more for me than you know."

"Like what?"

"You make me happy, just by being around you.  You keep me warm at night.
You're an incredible lover.  You can be funny, and serious.  You can be
loving and playful.  You're gentle, but when you need to, you can be one
rough sonofabitch."

"That's all well and good, but what do I DO for you."

"You don't have to DO anything for me to keep my love, Brian.  I told you
what you do for me.  It doesn't matter that you don't get me gifts, or
whatever you're thinking.  It doesn't matter in the least.  You give me so
much already."

"Right.  All I give you is pain, heartache, and frustration."

I shook my head.  "You're wrong."  He pulled back to look in my eyes.
"You're dead wrong.  For every time you say you've hurt me, I can come up
with three where you've made me happy.  Probably more than that, even.
Frustration?  Yeah, sometimes, but that happens in any relationship.
Nothing unusual there.

"You know what you're doing, Brian?"

"No," he whispered.

"I think you're trying to convince yourself that you aren't good enough for
me.  You know you're not going to be able to convince me, so you're trying
to convince yourself."

"I'm convinced."

"Well, stop it, and unconvinced yourself."

"I've tried, Pete."

I sighed.  "I know, Bri.  That's why you have this."  I pulled up his hand
and showed him his ring.  He was still wearing it on his left hand!  "What
does it say?"  He shrugged.  "What does it say, Brian?"

"'You're good enough for me.'"

"What does that mean, baby?"  He shrugged again.  "Brian, tell me what it
means."

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do," I gently chided.  "It means that you, Brian Andrew Kellam,
are good enough for me, Peter Daniel Patterson, to love.  That means you're
what I want, even with all your faults and problems, real or imagined.
You're mine, Brian.  There's no escape.  I'm not going to let you go."  I
wrapped him up as best I could, trying to pin his arms and legs.  He
struggled for a moment, then relaxed.  We lay quietly for a short while,
enjoying each others presence.

"I want you to make me a promise, Pete."

"What's that, baby?"

"I want you to promise that you'll tell me if you ever get tired of me."

"Now wait a min..."  Brian overrode me.

"No, Pete.  Promise me.  I don't ever want you to be with me if it's not
what you want.  I don't want you to put up with me for the wrong reasons.
I don't want to hurt you anymore.  Promise me."

"Brian, it'll never hap..."

"PROMISE me!"

"Okay, Brian.  If I ever get tired of you, if I feel like I'm sick of being
with you, I'll tell you."

"PROMISE!"

"I'll promise, but you're going to have to make me a promise, too.  I want
you to promise me that you'll never run away from me again, unless I tell
you I don't want you, which'll never happen. And if you do feel you have to
run away, you talk to me about it.  Promise?"  He smiled slightly and
whispered, "I promise," and then fell silent.  A few short moments later,
he was breathing deeply, asleep in my arms.

I disentangled myself and dressed without waking him, and then went back to
the office.  Kevin and Jason were still sitting on the couch, talking
quietly.  I sat in the hot seat across from them.

"He's sleeping."

"Pete, we're sorry."

"Jason, you don't owe an apology to either of us.  Kevin does.  He started
this whole fiasco."  I was still angry.

"You're right, of course. I'm truly sorry.  I thought, by talking about it,
Brian could explain what bothers him, and we might help him become more
comfortable."

"I've known you for how long now?  Almost three years?"  Kevin nodded.  "In
all that time, you've been there to help Jason, Ray, and me, even Jared,
through all sorts of stuff.  I know you wanted to do that tonight with
Brian.  I don't blame you for that.  What I do blame you for is pushing him
in a direction he didn't want to go.  I told you he's very vulnerable where
this is concerned.  And now you know what bothers him, since you dragged it
out of him."

"What more can I say?"  Kevin raised his hands in helplessness.  I know he
was sincere.

"Well, you might have a hard time with him until he's comfortable around
you again."  Jason stood and left the room.  "You'll have to play it by
ear.  I don't know how he's going to react."

"I'll apologize in the morning.  We need to get him back to see Will."

"He'll go."

"You'll have to convince him."

"I don't think so.  He'll go on his own, if I ask him."

Kevin stood, and I rose to meet him.  "I'm really sorry Pete.  I had no
idea it would turn out like this."  He hugged me.

"It's okay, Dad.  Brian'll be fine."

"And you?"

"I'm fine.  Worried about Brian, but okay."  Kevin nodded as the doorbell
rang.  "I'll get it."  Mr. Kellam was at the door.

"Hello Pete."

"Hi, Ben."  I let him in.

"How's our boy doing?"

"He's sleeping.  He had a rough afternoon."

"Oh?  Can I look in on him?"

"Of course."

"Hi Ben, care for a drink?"

"Sure Kev."  Kev?  "Let me check on Brian, then I'll be in."

"Okay.  Crown Royal over?"

"Sounds good."

"Comin' right up." Kevin retreated to the office as Ben and I climbed the
stairs to our room.  I was very surprised to see the door ajar.  I opened
it and saw Jason sitting on the bed, talking with Brian.  Ben followed me
in.

"Get some rest, Bro.  I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Thanks, Jason."

"Anytime."  Jason left quickly, not meeting my eyes.  Even though Brian
didn't appear to be distressed, I decided I needed to find out what they
were talking about.

I caught up to Jason as he was entering his room.  "Can I talk to you for a
minute, Jason?"

"Sure, c'mon in."  He sat on the bed, and I took his desk chair.  "What'd
you want?"

"What were you and Brian talking about?"

"Stuff.  Don't worry, Pete.  He vented a bit.  I mentioned him going to see
Will again, and he wants to go as soon as Will can fit him in."

"That's good.  I was going to ask him in the morning."

"Pete?  He needs to know he's loved right now."

"I know.  I need to make sure that he knows I love him in spite of
everything he thinks is wrong with him."

Jason nodded.  "If he's up for it, make love to him tonight.  That extra
intimacy will help."

"You're telling me to get it on with my boyfriend," I said with a sly grin.

He grinned.  "Yeah.  So?"

"Jason, can I ask you a question?"  He nodded.  "You never really talk
about yourself much in those terms.  I mean, I've never known you to have a
girlfriend.  Can I ask why?"

His smile faded as he stared through me for a minute.  "I really don't want
to get into that right now, Pete.  Maybe later?"

"You don't have to."

"I know.  We'll see.  It's not something I... I'm comfortable discussing."

"Only if you want to, Jason."

"Okay.  You better get back to Brian."

"Thanks, Jason."

"Anytime."

Brian was laying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. He looked up when
I walked in.  Apparently Ben had gone to the office for his drink.

"Hey baby.  How're you doing?"

"Okay."  I sat down by him.  He put his hand on my thigh, and continued to
watch the ceiling.

"Brian?  What's wrong?"

"Nothing.  I was just thinking that you never really know a person, no
matter how close you are to them."

"I don't understand."

He looked at me with a smile and patted my leg.  "I don't mean you, babe."

"Jason?"

"Yeah.  We had a good talk, as short as it was."

"What did you guys talk about?"

"I told him I wouldn't tell.  It's pretty sensitive stuff, Pete.  When he's
ready, he may talk about it."

"I feel like you're keeping me in the dark, Bri."

His smile faded.  "I'm sorry."

"I want to know what's happening to you, Brian, inside and out.  Please let
me in."

"I'm trying, Pete.  You don't know how hard."  He paused, then looked away.
"It seems like every time I turn around, I see or hear something that
reminds me of what I've done in the past: things that either embarrassed me
or made me angry, things that prove to me that I have no worth.  I'm
constantly aware of my failures and mistakes....  I'm haunted.  That's the
word.  I'm haunted by my past."

"Bri, it's in the past.  It has no hold over you now."

"That's where you're wrong.  It does have a hold on me, because no matter
what I do, it's there.  When I'm with you, I remember all the times I've
hurt you.  When I'm with my parents, I remember what happened with them.
It's ALWAYS there.  I can't get rid of it, and I am so sick of it.  It
fucking pisses me off!  I HATE dealing with it all the time.  I HATE that
it affects me so much.  I hate talking about it, because it does no good to
talk.  I know you have to be tired of hearing it.  Everyone has to be sick
of it.  I sound like a broken record; it's all that you hear from me.  I
want it gone.  Not next week, not tomorrow, now."

We were quiet for a few moments.  "Are you going to see Will?"

"As soon as I can.  I don't know if he'll be able to help or not."

"Better to let him try than not, Brian."

"I know."

"Come here."  He sat up and I enfolded him in my arms.  "Brian, I'll say it
again.  I love you.  No matter what you see wrong with yourself, I love
you.  I'm going to do everything I can to help you through this.  Don't
forget your ring, either.  It proves that I love you, no matter what.
Remember that.  If you ever doubt that I love you, look at the ring, and
read the inscription.  You ARE good enough, Bri.  I wouldn't have you any
other way."

"Well, I'd sure change a few things, if I could."

"But then you wouldn't be the Brian I love."

He grinned.  Oh, man, was I glad to see that.  "No, I'd be the new and
improved model."

"I like the model I have, thank you."

"Do you?  Really?  Be honest with me."

"I haven't changed my mind.  Yes, Brian, I love you as you are."

He sighed, and lay back down, a small smile on tired his face.  "Thank you,
Pete."

I stood and locked our door.  Next, I turned on some soft, relaxing music.
As it filled the room, I undressed.  Brian was following my every move with
his eyes.  It felt wonderful to have his eyes on me.  I can't explain it.
It makes me feel good to please him, even in the smallest way.

When I pulled off my boxers, his eyes grew wide.  "Pete, my dad's still
here."

"So?  Do you not feel up to it, is that it?"  I swayed over to the bed,
moving with the music.

He pulled back the blankets.  "Does this look like I'm up for it?"

"Yeah, it does.  I think we can keep it quiet enough until he leaves, don't
you?  Besides, Ray's room is between us and the office."

He grinned.  "Come here, babe.  I need to feel you."

--ooOOoo--

Dad scared the hell out of us.  Just when things were getting interesting,
he rattled the doorknob.  I swear if Pete hadn't been laying on me at that
moment, I would've hit the ceiling.  I heard what suspiciously sounded like
a chuckle as he said good night.  The bastard.  But we had a VERY good
night.

A pounding on the door woke me up, and Pete as well.

"You're going to be late, Pete!  We gotta leave in a half hour!"

"Oh shit.  Thanks, Jason!"  Pete jumped out of bed before I could stop him.

"Where're you running off to so fast you can't even say good morning?"

He grinned sheepishly.  "Sorry, Bri.  I gotta get moving."

"We forgot to set the alarm."

"Yeah, I noticed."

I watched him, expressing my love for him with my eyes.  "Pete, thank you
for last night.  It was exactly what I needed."

He smiled. "Me too, baby.  And it seems as if you have your strength back,
too!"

I laughed.  "Yeah, but screwing around in bed isn't the same as running a
mile or three."

Pete turned serious.  "Don't you even think of going for a run in this
weather.  It's still ugly out there.  If you feel the need to do something,
ride the bike or lift some light weights.  Nothing heavy, understand?"

"Yes, daddy."

"I might have to beat your butt when I get home."

"Don't tempt me, not this early.  You'd never get to school."

"I might not anyway."  He kissed my forehead.  "Morning.  Now go back to
sleep, Bri.  You still need your rest."

"I love you, Pete."

"I love you too, Bri."

I tried to go back to sleep while he rushed through his shower, but I
couldn't.  Instead, I laid out some clothes for Pete, and then fired up the
computer.  I felt the urge to write.  Maybe it would help settle my mind.

__--==--__

The first warning bell went off.  Class would start in ten minutes. We
ambled into the hallway and toward his locker, which was closer than mine.
It happened to be by Brent's locker, also.  He wasn't there, fortunately.
As Pete tried to open his locker, he kept giving me side long glances.  He
was making me nervous.

He finally got his locker open after three tries, and I said something I
had heard Chris's older brother say after he got back from boot camp.

"Five percent rule."

Pete looked confused.  "Huh?"

"Yeah.  You have to be five percent smarter than the equipment you're
operating." I grinned at him to soften any insult he may take, but I
shouldn't have worried.

"Hey!"  He took a swing at me and connected with my shoulder.  It wasn't in
anger, but in fun.  It still hurt though.  I rubbed my shoulder and started
giving him a hurt look.  "You deserved it." Again with the grin.

I grinned back. "Yeah, I did.  But did you have to wind up so much? I have
to use this arm today."

He got an impish smile and said he would find a way to make it up to me.
My heart started racing and I started getting hard. Oh man, I hated it when
that happened.  Especially in school.

==--__--==

Pete came in and got dressed.  "Thank you for getting this out, Bri."

"You're welcome, babe."

"Writing?"

"Yeah.  I can't sleep right now, so I decided to write some more."  He took
a quick glance at the last few paragraphs on the screen.  "Do I still have
that effect on you?"

He said it in such a way that I got a lump in my throat, and my heart took
off.  "Oh, yeah."  His face softened and he hugged me tightly from behind.

"You do too, you know.  I feel that same way."  He kissed my neck and
released me.  "I love you, Brian.  Remember that."

"I will.  I love you, too.  Have a good day, honey."  I couldn't resist.

"I will, sweetheart.  Mind the kids, now."  He smiled widely, his eyes
holding something I couldn't identify.  It wasn't worry or anything like
that.  It was... something I've seen a couple of times in his eyes, when he
was especially happy.  Contentment, maybe?

I smiled as he closed the door, and then went back to my writing.

--ooOOoo--

The day passed quickly, far more quickly than I thought possible.  I spent
the morning hours finishing an installment in what I euphemistically called
"My Book".  It was only three 'chapters' long, but it compelled me to write
and write and write.  Being the perfectionist I was, I had to keep tweaking
it until it was just right.

When I looked at the clock for the first time, it was after noon.  I was
famished, not having eaten since the night before, and I was a growing boy;
translated: bottomless pit.

It's kind of weird, I thought to myself as I fixed some soup.  I'm fifteen.
I'm a teenager.  Most guys in their teens don't like to think of themselves
as boys, but that's what we are.  It doesn't mean that we're childish or
immature, it just means that we aren't men yet, no matter how much we play
at it.  We don't have the responsibilities of men.  We don't have families.
Well, we don't if we haven't been extremely stupid. Most of our concerns,
by adult standards, are trivial.

Yeah, I'm a boy.  I've made a lot of stupid decisions that wouldn't have
been tolerated if I were an adult.  Thank God for Pete, Kevin, and
Jason. And Mom and Dad.  Danny, Chris, and Kathlene.  How many others?

My soup was hot, so I took it into the living room, sat down on the couch,
and turned on the tube.  I watched stupid daytime stuff until about three,
when I felt the urge to do something.  I went out to the weight room, and
keeping my promise to Pete, lifted only light weights.  I could sense some
weakness remaining from my ordeal, but not as much as I'd feared.  I spent
twenty minutes on the bike, just long enough to raise my heart rate to a
decent level, and then stopped.  Yeah, I still wasn't up to par, but I was
sure I could get there with no problems, given a little time.

Pete and Jason came home just as I was heading upstairs for my shower.
Pete glared at me.

"What?  I followed your demands."

"You better have."

"Go out and look.  The seat has no dust.  It's all on my ass."  I turned
around to show him, half joking, and he took a swat.

"All right, baby.  How'd you do?"

"Fine.  I'm better off than I thought I'd be."

"No pain or weakness?"

"Well, no pain, and I probably couldn't do a normal routine, if that's what
you mean, but I'll get there fairly quickly."

"Glad to hear you're feeling better, Brian."

"Thanks, Jase.  I do.  I want to take a shower now, daddy.  Is that okay?"

"Please do!"  Pete smiled and kissed my cheek.  "I'll be right up."

"I can manage on my own, I think."

"I know that.  I just want to make sure you get COMPLETELY clean."

"You two are too much, you know that?"  Jason was grinning his fool head
off.  "Go on.  Get your make out session over with before Dad gets home."

I blushed.  "Sorry, Jase."

"For what?  Being in love? Don't be!  Go on, you two.  Take your shower."
I climbed the stairs, not quite as jovial as I had been.  Pete and I
stripped and walked from our bedroom to the bathroom naked.  I ran the
water and jumped in as soon as it was warm.  Pete followed me.

"Are you okay, Brian?"

"Yeah.  Just thinking about Jason."

"We can worry about Jason later.  I want you to concentrate on THIS right
now."

His actions made it difficult to concentrate on anything else.

--ooOOoo--

 Dad came over for dinner that night for hamburgers and hot dogs.  Jason
and Pete did the cooking, while I supervised After we were done eating, we
had a sizable amount of food left.  I guess we'd cooked with Ray in mind,
and my dad's appetite doesn't hold a candle to Ray's.  Dad took some of the
extra home with him when he left.

Dad and I talked while he was over.  He admonished me to take it easy for a
while, and to protect myself from the cold.  Dad also said that some
hypothermia victims had an extreme sensitivity to cold for the rest of
their lives.  I promised him I'd be careful.

"I see you're wearing the ring Pete gave you on your left hand."  Sometimes
Dad surprised me.

"Yeah, I am.  I have been since I was in the ICU.  He put it there and told
me I could move it if I wanted, but I don't think I will."

Dad smiled.  "You love him that much?"  Before I could respond, he answered
his own question.  "Of course you do.  Sometimes, I wonder how it is that
you two came to know that you loved each other so quickly, and how the two
of you could keep that alive for the time you were separated.  I've heard
stories of that kind of thing, but you boys did it.  It's amazing."

"Yeah, it is.  Dad?  I've never been happier."

"It shows, Brian.  So what I want you to do is take care of yourself for
Pete."

I grinned. "That's emotional blackmail."

"True, but it's effective.  Kevin wants to feed me a drink, so I'll go
upstairs now."  He gave me a hug and ruffled my hair, then went up into the
office.

I went to bed early, before my dad left.  My workout had taken more out of
me than I thought.  Pete followed me about a half hour later, and wrapped
himself around me.  I woke just long enough to tell him I loved him, and
then went back to sleep.

--ooOOoo--

The alarm woke us at the normal time, which was still way too early.  'I'm
getting soft,' I thought.  I used to get up earlier when I was wrestling.
But now my priorities had shifted.

Pete hit the snooze button and curled up with me again, enjoying the shared
warmth.  I was loath to move, but I had to get going.  I wanted to make
sure I had time to get everything done.

"Pete, babe, I have to get up."

"Just a few more minutes, okay?"

"Okay.  Just a few more, but then I have to get moving."

He hugged me tightly to him, but didn't say a word.  A few minutes later
the alarm went off again.  Pete turned it off with an uncharacteristic,
"Fuck!"

"What's wrong, babe?"

He wrapped me up again.  "I want to spend the day in bed with you."

I smiled.  "Me too.  But I have to go to school.  I've missed too much
already.  I did the homework, but with everything going on, they might make
an issue of my lack of attendance."

"Dad would raise holy hell if they did."  He let me go and stood up to
stretch.  I loved watching his body.  I got up and followed suit.  I was a
little stiff and my muscles ached from my workout yesterday, but it was a
good ache, one that let me know I was alive.  "You going to take your
shower first?"

"Yeah.  Be back in a minute."  I spent a short time in the shower just
enjoying the hot spray, but I was still out of the shower more quickly than
either Pete or Jason.

I dressed and headed downstairs for breakfast.  Kevin was making some
omelets, and handed me the first one off the stove.  "How're you feeling,
kiddo?"

"Just fine, daddy-o."

He chuckled.  "Okay, I get it.  Seriously, how're you feeling?"

"A bit sore from yesterday, but that's not a problem.  A bit tired, but I
expect that. Otherwise, no problems."

"Good.  Now listen to me."

"Yeah, yeah, take it easy, if I get tired, go to the office, blah blah
blah.  I know all that, Kevin."

"Good.  And make sure you stay warm."

"Dad told me that last night."

"Just be sure to listen to him."

"I will.  Lay off, will ya?"

"No.  But I'm done anyway.  Eat up."  He was smiling, so I knew he was
joking around. I grinned back and dug into my breakfast.

Pete arrived next, about ten minutes behind me, just as I was starting my
second omelet.  It looked like he was still asleep.  He sat woodenly and
ate like an automaton.  It was kind of funny to watch.  He became more
awake with each successive bite.

Jason came down not much after Pete.  He seemed upbeat and eager, trying to
get Pete's attention.  "Pete?"

"Huh?"

"Are you awake?"

"Not really."

"Well, do you think you'll be awake enough to drive Brian home this
afternoon?  I have something I have to do.  I'll come home later."

"Sure."

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

"What time will you be home, Jason?"

"Not sure, Dad.  I may be out until late tonight.  Don't wait up for me."

"What exactly are you going out to do?"

"A group of us are getting together to work on some projects, then we'll go
out to dinner or something."

"Okay... why would you be out late then?"

"I might go over to a friends place and watch a movie or something."

"Do I know them?"

Jason was starting to get angry.  "No.  Look, are you going to let me go or
what?"

"Son, I'm just trying to keep track of you."

"Yeah, well, it sounds like the Spanish Inquisition."

"I'm sorry, Jason."

"Yeah, well, it's okay.  I guess I haven't really done this much before."

"Why not, son?  Why haven't you gone out with your friends?"

"Time to go guys."  Jason got up and headed to the door.  Pete and I
exchanged glances.  Kevin looked troubled.

Pete and I rose as one, mumbled our goodbyes to Kevin, and were out the
door before he even stood.

The ride to school was filled with a troubled silence.  Jason's was
clinching his jaw the whole way in.  He parked the car in our usual spot,
and would have walked away without another word had Pete not stopped him.

"Jason?"

"What?"  His voice held a tinge of impatience.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine.  I don't want to talk about it, so leave me alone."  He tossed
Pete the keys, and then strode angrily away.

"I will for now, bro," Pete said to his retreating form, then whispered
just loud enough for me to hear, "For now."  We followed Jason into the
building.

I was met with hostility the moment I walked in.  Brent's old friends
glared and pointed. I acted like I hadn't noticed and followed Pete to his
locker.

"They know I'm back."

"You wouldn't be able to hide it anyway."

"I know.  I just don't like the way those guys were looking at me."

"Are you going to be okay, Bri?"

"Yeah, as long as they leave me alone.  I don't think I could do much to
protect myself right now."

"If you want to go home..."

"No, don't be ridiculous.  If I leave, then they'll know they got to me."

"Brian Andrew Kellam, don't let pride stand in the way of you taking care
of yourself!  If you get tired, I still expect you to go to the office and
lay down, just like your dad and Kevin said."

"Okay, okay.  I promise."

"Good."  He shut his locker door.  "Let's go to the caf and see if Jared's
there."

"Sure."

We didn't find Jared, but we did find Brent, sitting alone, which was
unusual for him.  His pack of buddies usually surrounded him.  I motioned
to Pete, but he just shook his head.

The warning bell rang a few minutes later, and we scrambled back to our
lockers to get our books for the first classes of the day.  We walked into
English just before the bell rang, because I didn't move as fast as I
usually did.  Pete kept pace with me, trying to hide the concern he felt
for me.

I gave him a lopsided grin as we entered.  "I'm not going to die, you
know."

"Yeah, well, I'm just making sure."  When we sat, the bell rang, and
Mr. Walker did an effective job of putting us to sleep.

The bell rang at the end of first period.  Pete walked with me to my next
class a few doors down.  "Remember, if you get tired..."

"Will you get out of here?  I know all that.  Besides, you're going to be
late for math."

"It's worth it."

"I'm okay.  Really!"

"All right.  I'll meet you at your locker after class."

"No you won't.  Your next class is clear on the other side of school.  I'll
make it on my own.  Now get going.  You don't want Mr. Thomas pissed off at
you."

"He probably doesn't remember who I am, much less when I come in."

"You're probably right, but go anyway.  I know how to walk now."

Pete whispered, "I love you."

"Me too.  See you in Phys Ed."

"Bye."

As Pete walked down the hall, I noticed Brent standing a short distance
away.  He was watching me like a hawk, but I didn't see anything close to
maliciousness in his expression.  More like curiosity.  With a shudder, I
recalled the near miss we had with Brent last Monday.  Oh, well.  Nothing I
could do about it now.

Creative Writing was my next class.  Ms. Wheeler was the instructor, and it
always seemed she had it out for me.  She tore apart my papers publicly,
but always gave me good grades.  She would ask me questions, and then rebut
my answers as incorrect or juvenile.  It was my favorite class, in spite of
her best efforts to make me miserable.  This particular morning, however,
she tried even harder than usual to make things difficult.

"Good morning.  Today I would like us to do something different.  We're
going to write a fictional short story based on real events.  I'm going to
ask Brian to come up and tell the class of the ordeal he went through this
past week.  When he's finished, your assignment is to complete your story
by Friday at the end of class.  Brian, if you would please?"  She motioned
me to the front of the class.

Like hell.  "No.  It's a personal matter and a violation of my privacy.
It's none of your business."

"Mr. Kellam..."

"I said 'no', I mean 'no', and that's my final answer."

Everyone was looking at me like I was insane.  No one ever crossed
Ms. Wheeler for any reason.  I was pissed that she made the assumption that
I wanted to talk about my own stupidity.  The teacher was apoplectic.  I
don't think she expected me to say no.  I did my best to hide my grin.  I
don't THINK she noticed.

"Brian Kellam, you will get up here this instant."  Why do people think
that by invoking my full name, I'll just cave in?

"No, I won't.  Shall I report to Mr. Johnson's office?"  I got a few
giggles from around the classroom.

"Yes!  Get out of my classroom!"

"Sure. I don't think I want to be here any longer, anyway."  I left the
room in fairly high spirits.  I felt like I had a right to my privacy, and
I'd stuck to my guns.  Only Mr.  Johnson, the Vice Principal, would tell me
if I'd been right or wrong.

When I arrived at the office, Mr. Johnson was waiting for me.  "Mr. Kellam,
why is it that I see more of you than I see of my wife?"  He was smiling,
so I knew I wasn't in too much trouble.  As he lead me into his office, he
said, "So you're at it again, are you?  Angering teachers seems to be a
particular talent you have."

"If they didn't try to force me to do things that I don't want to do, we'd
all be happier."  He sat down at his desk and motioned me to take a chair.
"Making a speech in front of your class is well within the parameters of
the syllabus, Mr. Kellam."

"I agree, up until that speech requires me to reveal personal information."

"Such as?"

"You know why I was absent for the past week?"

"I know that you were hospitalized."

"She wanted me to tell the class what happened."

"And was it that personal?"

"Yes, it was."

"I see.  Mr. Kellam, we have a problem.  Ms. Wheeler does not want you
returning to her classroom."

"Is there another writing class I can take?"

He consulted a chart.  "Yes, sixth period with Mr. Walker.  What class do
you currently have sixth period?"

"Algebra II."

He looked at the chart again.  "Fine. You'll attend your math class second
period, and Creative Writing sixth period with Mr. Walker.  Does that
satisfy you?"

"Yes, that's fine.  What about what happened this morning?"

"It won't be put on your record, if that's what you're concerned about."

"Oh. Thank you."

"Why don't you go lay down in the nurses office until next period.  You
look tired."  I started laughing to myself quietly.  "Is something
amusing?"

"Yes.  My dad, Pete's dad, and Pete have all told me to lay down if I feel
tired, and now you have too."

Mr. Johnson grinned for a moment, then was serious again.  "Brian, may I
ask what happened?  You need not tell me."  The use of my first name didn't
go unnoticed.  He was genuinely concerned.  He took my hesitation as a sign
I was going to refuse.  "I assure you, I will tell only Ms. Sumner."  I
thought about it.  The principal wasn't a risk.

"All right.  I was stupid, and I got hypothermia.  I almost died."

"That's all?"

"I don't understand."

"That's what you wouldn't tell Ms. Wheeler?"

"Would you have been satisfied with what I just told you?"

"Point taken."

"What it boils down to is I made some wrong assumptions and acted on them.
That's what almost killed me.  I didn't want to share the details for
personal reasons."

"I quite understand.  Thank you, Brian, for this confidence.  You may go to
the nurses office, and your next class when the bell rings."

"Thanks."

I spent the next twenty minutes laying down.  Surprisingly, I was almost
asleep when the bell rang.  I went to World History and listened to the
video they were showing as I did the homework for the next couple days.

Fourth period arrived.  Phys Ed.  I wasn't looking forward to it because my
two favorite people were there, Mr. Knowells, and Brent.  Pete dressed down
and then sat next to me waiting for roll call.  I told him briefly of the
confrontation I'd had with Wheeler, and my resulting schedule change.

Pete's eyes danced with excitement.  "That's my math class!"

"I know.  Are there any open seats next to you?"

"Sure is."

"Cool!"

"All right, ladies, get in line."

"See ya, Bri."

"Yeah, later."

The coach didn't ask any questions as to why I didn't dress down.  He must
have heard about me being in the hospital.  One of the conditions for my
return to school was I wouldn't take part in Phys Ed for another week, so
instead of Phys Ed, I did my own workouts at home.

A result of not dressing down put Brent and I on the sidelines together,
giving us an opportunity to talk.  Brent stared at me for about five
minutes when we got into the gym.  It made me a bit nervous, because I
didn't know what he was thinking.  He sat next to me as we watched everyone
else run their laps and play dodge ball.

"Hey."

"Hi, Brent."

"I've been doing a lot of thinking since we talked last."

"I heard."

"I pretty much dumped all the guys I used to hang out with.  You know why?"
I shook my head.  "Partly because of what you said.  But mostly because I
look around and I see other people with their friends, and they don't act
the same way me and my friends act.  They're more relaxed, less on their
guard."  I nodded, content to let him speak his mind.

He was looking at me as he spoke.  I met his gaze.

"I see you and Patterson together.  You two are, like, the closest people I
know.  You're always talking to each other, joking around.  You're always
together, too.  You even live together.  I've never seen you argue.  It's
like you're brothers or something.  I watch you guys and it makes me sick,
and angry, because you have what I want."

"What's that?"

"I want that kind of friendship, not this superficial stuff I've had my
whole life."

"You HAVE been thinking."  He nodded "Well, Pete and I've known each other
for quite a while now.  We've always clicked like this, even when we were
younger.  He's my best friend."

"Is he more?"

"Huh?"

Brent dropped his eyes uneasily.  "Is he more than your best friend? Maybe
a boyfriend or something?"  Brent just fidgeted, his hands in his lap, not
looking at me.

"Why do you think he's my boyfriend?"

"The way you look at each other, sometimes.  Some of the things you say,
how you act.  I didn't get it at first, but the more I watch, the more it
seems you guys are together."

"You've been stalking me?"  I acted like I was angry, but actually I was
scared.  We'd been found out.

"No, nothing like that.  The only reason I even thought about it was...  I
saw you guys hug each other one day."  I had no recollection of us ever
hugging in school.

"So?  We're good friends, and I've been having a rough time.  He's my
support."

"Well, you kinda kissed him, too."  Busted.

"What?"

"C'mon, dude.  I know what I saw."  Brent was curiously calm about this.

My fears had been realized.  "What do you want?"

"Want?  Nothing."

"You have to want something, otherwise you wouldn't be sitting here talking
to me about it.  You'd be outing us to the rest of the school."

"Kellam... Brian, it's cool.  I'm okay with it.  It's just... I've never
known any gay guys before.  There.  I said it.  Are you gay?"  What the
fuck do I say?  I can't deny it. He says he saw us kiss.

"Where did you see us?"

"Does it matter?  I saw you two kissing."

I decided to level with him.  I'd have to explain to Pete later, but I
didn't have a choice.

"I don't even remember doing it."

"So you are gay?"

I nodded, watching him for a reaction.  "What are you going to do, Brent?"

"Do?  Like I said, nothing.  If I wanted to out you, I would have done it
all ready.  Brian, when we talked last Monday, you asked me if we were
friends."

"You said, 'No, but not enemies, either.'"

He nodded.  "Well, I... I'd like to be your friend now.  I've been a
serious asshole, to you and a lot of other people.  I don't know if you can
see past that.  I mean it when I say I'd like to get to know you guys, hang
out, have some fun."

"You're going to have a hard time convincing Pete and Jason."

"I know.  What about you?"

"What you know about me and Pete could ruin our lives.  We're at your
mercy.  If you spread it around, then we could be hurt, or worse.  The only
thing I have to say is that if you betray us, and one of us is hurt by
that, I will kill you."

"You don't need to threaten me.  I won't tell."

"I've heard that before.  The next thing I knew it was all over school.
The threat is real, even if it's not needed."  We sat in silence until the
shower bell rang.

"Can I ask you a question, Brian?"

"Sure, but I have the right not to answer."

"Fair enough.  Do you check out the guys in the locker room?"

I grinned.  "Like you don't?  I see you looking around quite a bit
yourself."  He blushed and gave a shy grin.  "Yeah, but I just look for
curiosity."

"Me too.  Not everything I do is related to sex.  Just because I'm gay
doesn't mean I want to jump every guy that comes along.  Besides, Pete is
all I want."  Pete came over.  "Hi, Brian, Brent.  Having some heavy
conversations?"

"You could say that," I said.  "Brent's going to join us for lunch."  Pete
was immediately wary, and took in Brent's surprised expression.  "He is?"

"I am?"

"Yes.  We have to continue this conversation."

Pete's smile fell, and I gave him a reassuring nod.  "All right.  Let me go
shower."  Pete walked into the locker room.

"He's afraid," Brent said.

"Doesn't he have reason to be?  He's always counted you as an enemy,
especially after the knife incident, and now you know his most intimate
secret.  I'm afraid too, frankly.  You don't have a very good track record
with us, Brent."

"I'm not going to tell anyone."

"Trust isn't something that you automatically get.  You have to earn it.  I
don't trust you.  Not yet, anyway."

"I understand."

"We'll meet you in the cafeteria.  I have to talk to Pete first."

"Sure."

Pete was just getting into the shower when I walked in.  He was obviously
disturbed at this turn of events.  I hung out by the door until I saw him
coming back.  He saw me standing there and walked up to me, just wrapped in
a towel.  It was very hard not to drink in the sight of him.

"Brian, what's going on?"

"I'll tell you as you as you get dressed."  Fortunately, his locker was
more or less isolated from everyone else.  Pete didn't give me the chance
to break the news to him.

"He knows, doesn't he."

"Yeah, he knows.  He asked me straight out, and I told him."

"You did?"  He was surprised.  "Can we trust him?"

"I don't know.  He says he'd like to get to know us, be friends.  But
whether we trust him or not, he knows."

"Why did you tell him?"

"He told me.  He said he'd seen us kiss."

"We never have.  Not at school."

"Maybe it was someplace else then.  The point is he knows.  It seems like
he's trying to be a good guy.  Do you want to give him the chance?"

"I don't know, Bri.  He's done some pretty terrible things."

"So have I."

"Maybe, but you didn't pulled a knife on me!"

"Neither did he.  His 'friends' did, and they aren't his friends anymore.
He told us he didn't want to have anything to do with them."  Pete stared
hard at me.  "He knows.  Do we give him a reason to out us, or do we make
the effort?"

He shook his head.  "You're right.  But I'm not happy about it."

"And you think I am?"

"Sounds like it."

"You're mad because I told him?"

"I'm angry because... I don't know.  I just am."  Pete finished dressing,
and left me to comb his hair.  I sat there thinking that this might not be
such a good idea.  I could have lied, but it probably would have done no
good.  Brent saw us kiss.  Or did he?  Oh, GOD I hope he didn't lie about
that.  If he lied to get me to open up, I'd never trust him.  I didn't even
know his true motivation.  Fuck!

The bell rang, signaling the end of class.  I followed Pete to the
cafeteria.  Brent was already sitting at our table.

After getting our lunch, we sat down.  Pete was definitely tense.  I was
too, but not as bad as he was.  Brent appeared uncomfortable as well.  As
he was about to speak, Jason came out of nowhere and clapped a hand on his
shoulder.

"Is there a problem here?"  His tone told us he'd take care of it if there
were.

"No, Jason," Pete said.  "I guess this is a truce talk.  Sit down."

"All right.  What's going on."

"Brent?"  Pete's implied question was brutal, given the circumstances.

"I... uh... I know about you and Brian."

"What, precisely, do you know?"  Jason's voice held menace. I motioned him
to lay off a bit.

"I know they're together."

"Together how?" Jason had either not seen me or ignored me.

Brent whispered, "I know they're gay, and boyfriends."

"So?  Do you have a problem with it?"

"No!  That's what I was trying to tell Brian earlier.  I have absolutely no
problem with it whatsoever."

"You hated Brian.  Why the sudden change of heart."  Jesus, Jason, take it
easy!

"I hated Brian.  That's true.  But then last Monday, he talked to me.  He
didn't give me a chance to interrupt.  Afterward, I started looking around
at who I was, and where I was going.  I didn't like what I saw."  Brent
dropped his eyes as he continued.  "I decided to change things.  I dropped
all those guys I was hanging out with, and told them why.  Things
got... ugly."  He raised his eyes again.  "I realized that what I need is
to get to know someone like Brian, someone who can see past all the
bullshit."

"A senior hanging with a couple of sophomores?" Derision colored Jason's
tone.

"I don't care what they think of me anymore.  If I did, I wouldn't have
dropped them.  And I'd like to get to know you too, Jason.  We're going to
the same school.  Maybe it'd be nice to have a friend there, since I find
myself without any."

"I don't trust you."

"I know.  Brian and Pete don't either.  The only thing I can do is prove
myself, if you'll give me the chance."

Pete asked, "Are you gay?"  Brent turned red with rage.

I said, "Hey, Brent, it was a fair question.  And your reaction tells me
you have a long way to go."

"I don't understand."

"Pete asked you the question, and you got angry.  Why?"

"Because I'm not gay."

"So?  You asked me if I was.  Why can't we ask you the same?"

"I see now.  I'm sorry.  It's a reflex."

"So is denial," Pete said cryptically.

"What do you mean?"

"It doesn't matter."  Brent was obviously confused.  "So, what are you
going to do now?"

"I don't know.  That depends on you guys.  Will you give me the chance?"
Jason nodded slightly, but he still looked like someone pissed in his corn
flakes.

Pete was staring at Brent, his eyes blazing.  It was clear that Pete's
scrutiny made him uncomfortable, but he didn't drop his gaze.  "Okay," Pete
said.  "On one condition."

"Name it."

"You protect Jared, Brian, and I from your so-called friends.  They
threatened to kill us.  One way you can prove yourself is to defend us."

"I'll do everything I can."  Pete nodded sharply, and then ate his lunch.
Jason patted Brent on the back and whispered something I his ear.  Brent
looked at him as Jason rose, then nodded.

The three of us were joined by Jared a bit later, and we had a replay of
what had happened with Jason.  At least Jared seemed more willing to give
Brent his chance.  School let out.  Pete and I had the same Biology class
at the end of the day, so I followed him to his locker after class let out.
He didn't say a word to me.  He hadn't spoken to me since lunch.

After he got his books, he followed me to my locker, and then out to the
van.  He was silent the whole way home.  I was extremely worried.  Had I
pissed him off that much?  The drive home was miserable for me.  I didn't
know what was going on, and my mind was running wild with possibilities.
Was Pete going to kick me out?  Was he going to cut me from his life for
outing him?

When we got home, he unlocked the door, and followed me upstairs to our
bedroom.  As soon as the door was open, Pete tackled me onto the bed,
kissing me all over.  It took some effort to turn to face him, and fend him
off long enough to ask, "What's going on?  You don't talk to me at all
since lunch, and now you try to drown me in slobbery kisses!"

"I'm so proud of you!"

"Why?  What'd I do?"

"The way you handled Brent!  You might have turned him around!  I wouldn't
have believed it until I saw it!"

"So you're not mad at me for telling him?"  Kiss.

"I was at first, but not now.  I know you didn't have a choice."  Kiss.

"So why the silent treatment?  I was really scared I'd pissed you off big
time."

"I'm sorry, Bri.  Really I am.  At first I wanted you to feel some of the
anxiety I was feeling, and then when I figured out what you'd done... I was
afraid to talk to you because I was afraid I'd yell out loud how much I
love you!"

"You love me?"

Pete tweaked my nose.  "Of course I do, dufus!"

"Sometimes I wonder."

"That's why I gave you the ring, Bri, so you wouldn't have to wonder.  And
you know what else?"

"No, what?"

"We have the house to ourselves until six.  And I don't slobber."

I laughed and kissed him.  "I don't mind your slobbering. It's cute.  Come
here, babe.  We're wasting time."

--ooOOoo-

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