Date: Fri, 30 Nov 2001 11:02:27 -0800 (PST) From: Dewey <dewey2k@yahoo.com> Subject: Brian and Pete Ch.9 Brian and Pete Chapter Nine Life Changes Copyright Notice - Copyright cOctober 2001 by DeweyWriter Ltd. This story is copyrighted by the author and the author retains all rights. This work may not be duplicated in any form, physical, electronic, audio, or otherwise without the authors expressed permission. All applicable copyright laws apply and will be enforced. Legal Disclaimer This story is a work of erotic fiction involving teenage boys partially based on real people and events. Names have been changed to protect the guilty as well as the innocent. All the usual rules apply. If it is illegal for you to be reading this now, then don't continue. ---===ooOOoo===--- Kevin and Sharon looked at each other, then at Pete and me. "Do you know what this is about?" "I asked Jason to write something about himself," I said, "and that's the file he wrote. I don't know what's in it, but he's very worried about whatever it is. He acts like he's afraid you'll hate him after you read it. "Is he gay?" Sharon asked. The question caught all of us by surprise. "I don't know," Pete responded. "I've never seen him be... romantic toward anyone." "I haven't, either," said Ray. "I'll ask around when I get back to school. I know some people to ask." "Ray, don't you dare make anyone think your brother is gay. You don't know if he is, and it's certainly not your place to tell anyone." Sharon stared at Ray until he dropped his eyes. "I wouldn't have anyway," he said, petulantly. Kevin sighed. "I guess we should read this. You boys go wait in your rooms until we call you back." We evacuated the office. Once in our room, I tried to open up Jason's file, but he still had the password on it. "Damn." "Still locked out, huh?" "Yeah. Do you hear music? From Jason's room?" Pete nodded. Jason rarely played music that loudly. It was like he was trying to cover something up. A sudden visualization filled my head, and it scared the hell out of me. "C'mon, Pete!" I ran out to Jason's room, and found the door locked. I pounded on the door. "Jason, open up! It's Brian. Open the door!" No response, but I wasn't sure he could hear me over the music. I pounded harder, hard enough to shake the door in its frame. "JASON! Let me in!" Still no answer. "I don't like this," Pete said. "Me either. Get out of the way." Pete backed off, and I rammed the door with my shoulder. It held. I backed off to ram it again, but had to stop short before I hit Jason, who had opened the door. "What do you want?" He looked worse now than he had before I told him it was time for the meeting. His angry eyes were red, and his cheeks were wet. His hair was wild, and his skin held a pallor instead of its usual healthy color. "I wanted to make sure you were okay." He grinned bitterly. "I mean, I wanted to make sure..." "Jason, we wanted to make sure you weren't doing something stupid," Pete said. "You know I wouldn't do that." "We weren't sure, and we had to see you for ourselves." I nodded. He paused a moment, surprise and wonder showing on his face. "You were going to break down my door, just to make sure I wasn't going to off myself?" I said, "I would've come through the wall if I had to, Jase." Pete nodded in agreement, resting his hand on my shoulder. "Come in and wait with us?" Jason sighed, turned off his stereo, and followed us to our room. He sat heavily at the desk. Pete sat on the bed while I turned on some mellow music. We listened to the soothing tones for a while before Pete asked what I'd been wondering all night. "Um, Jason? What is it that you're so afraid of? What could possibly be in what you wrote that would make Mom and Dad hate you?" Pete hit the nail on the head with his question, judging by Jason's sharp glance. He must've realized that we'd figure it out sooner or later, and shook his head. "I guess I owe you an explanation. Jeff committed suicide because he was gay, right?" Pete said, "Yeah, and none of you knew it." "Wrong." "What?" "I knew. He told me when he was sixteen... about a year before he... died." "And you never told Kevin and Sharon?" I was starting to see why he was so concerned. "You're afraid they're going to blame you for his suicide, aren't you. They might have been able to save him if you'd told them." Eyes full of tears, Jason just nodded. He had his arms wrapped around himself and was rocking slightly. Abruptly, he raced out of our room and threw up in the toilet. Pete and I charged after him, and waited quietly outside while Jason heaved up his guts for the next five minutes. When it was apparent he was finished, Pete and I moved in to clean him up. He protested weakly. "Jason, let us help you. We want to. Right Brian?" "Of course we want to help you, Jason," I said softly. Finally giving in, Pete took him back to our room while I finished cleaning. I didn't mind in the least; I was too worried about Jason to be upset about wiping down the bathroom. When I returned, I found Pete and Jason sitting on our bed, Pete's arms around his shoulders, listening to the music. I sat on the other side and wrapped my arms around him, too. I rested my head on Jason's shoulder, trying to convey the love I felt for him. As I sat there holding Jason, I too began to cry. I don't know if it was because he was crying, or because we were all emotional wrecks responding to Jason's misery, but I soaked his shoulder. On impulse, I knelt in front of Jason, and caught his eye. "Jason, no matter what happens, what you've done, or not done, I love you as a brother. You aren't evil, or bad, or anything else. You've done too much good in your life for that to be true." He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around my head, still crying. Pete kinda laid on Jason's back, arms still surrounding him from behind. A knock came at the door a few minutes later. Ray came in and sat on the bed near us. "What's going on? I'm completely lost. Am I in trouble?" "No, Ray. You're a bystander in this one, if you can believe it," Pete responded. "Then what the fuck is happening? Why are you so upset, Jason?" Jason sighed and shook his head. "You'll find out later. I don't want to talk about it any more." "Dammit, no one fuckin' tells me anything!" Ray stomped out of our room. "What am I going to do, guys?" Jason was still clearly distraught. He laid down on the bed, one arm over his eyes. Pete said, "I don't think that Mom or Dad will change the way they feel about you, Jason. They're not the kind of people to turn their backs on you. They love you, Jason. We love you. Ray loves you." Jason mumbled something. "What was that?" "I said, too bad I don't love myself." I looked at Pete for a moment and shook my head. Now wasn't the time to deal with his self loathing. We had more immediate concerns to deal with. We sat there, waiting for Sharon or Kevin to come get us, our thoughts drifting with the music. Jason appeared relaxed, but I couldn't see his eyes. Pete leaned back against the headboard, eyes closed. I moved to the desk, and pulled up my latest writing on the computer. I couldn't concentrate enough to do anything useful, so I loaded up Diablo and puttered around there for awhile, instead. Hours passed. Pete had slid down by Jason and fallen asleep. Jason also seemed to be sleeping. He didn't move, anyway. I thought I'd heard raised voices coming from the office at some point, but I wasn't sure. By the time I made it to the office door to eavesdrop, they were quiet again. I could hear voices, but nothing more, so I went back to my game. Eleven o'clock. The office door still hadn't opened. Kevin and Sharon still hadn't come out. I was beginning to worry. What could be taking this long? Sure, Kevin and Sharon had new wounds to grieve, but so did Jason. By delaying, by not coming to get us, it seemed that something was going terribly wrong. On the other hand, maybe it was just taking Kevin and Sharon this long to get themselves under control. Midnight. Jason woke, sat up, and saw the time. He visibly deflated. Sighing heavily, he stood up and walked toward the door. I met him there. "I love you, Jason." I hugged him tightly. He hugged me back, but without feeling. On impulse, I asked, "Do you want to sleep in here, with Pete? I can sleep in your room. If you don't want to be alone..." He shook his head, pulled away and went to his room without a word. Sighing, I walked to the office door and listened quietly. Kevin and Sharon were arguing. I could hear angry voices, but not clearly enough to make out what they were saying. It was going to be a long night. After relieving myself, I woke Pete to get him ready for bed. He went to the bathroom and came back, a troubled look on his face. "This doesn't look good, Bri. I can hear Sharon and Kevin yelling at each other." "Yeah, I know. Maybe they're just trying to deal with what Jason said." "They are. It's how their dealing with it that worries me." We drifted off to sleep with difficulty, neither of us able to get comfortable. About three, I woke up with a huge urge to pee, so I disentangled myself from Pete and made my way to the bathroom, passing the office door. Kevin and Sharon were still going at it. On the way back, I could hear what they were saying. "He killed my baby!" "Honey, we've been over and over this. He didn't kill Jeff! For God's sake, he was just a little boy!" "He knew, and didn't tell us! If he'd told us, we'd have saved him!" "You don't know that," Kevin interrupted. "Jeff would be alive today! I'd have my son right now!" "Jason is your son, too." Sharon snapped, "HE'S NO SON OF MINE!" A shocked silence lasted for a short while. "You can't mean that. Jason did the best he could. He was just..." "I can't believe you're defending the killer of your own son!" "JASON DID NOT KILL JEFF!" Silence reigned. The door flew open in front of me. Sharon was beyond rage. "What the hell are you doing here! Go home, where you belong." She stomped to her room and slammed the door behind her. Kevin followed her and patted me on the shoulder. "Go to bed, Brian. Try to get some sleep." He tried to open the bedroom door, but Sharon had locked it. "Sharon, open the door." No answer. "Open the door, now." Still nothing. He sighed heavily, put his shoulder to the door, and forced it open with a loud crack of breaking wood. He entered and closed what was left of the door behind him. I immediately heard yelling inside. Ray's door was open slightly, and I could see light from the office glinting off his eye. I shook my head, and his door closed. I debated whether I should look in on Jason or not. If he was, by some miracle, still asleep, I didn't want to wake him. On the other hand, if he was awake, he needed someone there with him. I decided to check in on him. I opened his door slightly, but didn't hear or see anything. Opening it further, I saw that Jason's bed was empty, and his window open. He was sitting at his desk, head cradled in his arms. I checked to see if he was okay, and found that he was asleep. I didn't wake him. Back in my bed, I curled up next to Pete, as close as I could. Sleep didn't come until the sky was gray with the coming dawn. - - - - - I awoke to an ominous silence. Pete was still asleep. I glanced at the clock. Eight thirty. I'd only been asleep for an hour. I knew I'd be unable to sleep any longer, so I threw on my sweats and headed downstairs. The kitchen was empty, but someone had been eating. There was a half eaten egg and a bowl of cereal sitting on the table. Odd. I poured my own bowl of cereal and sat down. I heard noises coming from the garage over the crunch of my cornflakes. Jason was yelling and screaming. Loud noises followed, like something heavy hitting the wall. Opening the door, I saw Jason's tear-streaked face contorted into a mask of fury. Kevin had his back to me. All his concentration was on Jason. They ignored my presence. Tools and boxes were strewn about the garage, lying where Jason had apparently thrown them. "I love you. I'll never leave you." Jason was mimicking Sharon's voice. "That's what she said! I don't know how many times she said it!" "Jason, she has to go away and think for awhile. That's all." Jason hurled a glass jar full of nuts and bolts against the far wall. "Fuck!" It shattered with a great crash, leaving a good sized hole in the wall. Nuts and bolts scattered around on the floor. "Don't you give me that fucking shit! I heard her!" With nostrils flaring, he again mimicked Sharon, "He's no son of mine! He killed my baby!" "She didn't mean it the way it soun..." "Don't you fucking get it? She's not coming back! I'm a killer, and you are defending me! That makes you just as evil as I am." "You aren't evil. You didn't kill Jeff, Jas..." "Yes I did, according to her! She hates me, she doesn't want to have anything to do with me, and that's it. Period! Well, fine, dammit. If that's the fucking way she wants it, then that's the fucking way it'll be." Jason turned, putting his hands on the workbench, breathing hard, face and neck purple with his rage. "Jason, she loves you." "Yeah, right. And I suppose she's just going to forget that she wanted to throw me out." "She never said..." "God dammit! Don't treat me like I'm fucking stupid! I can put two and two together. She hates me. She would throw me out in a heartbeat if you hadn't stepped in. Well, fuck- her. I don't need her." With a grim mask, Jason tried to push his way past Kevin, but Kevin moved in front of him. "Get out of the way." "No." Kevin's voice was quiet and steady, holding a hint of his own pain. "Move!" "No." "Fuck you!" Jason started swinging at Kevin, surprising me, but Kevin was prepared. He managed to block Jason's onslaught until he could wrap his arms around his son. "Lemme go!" "No." "Let me go!" Jason was still struggling to free himself, but Kevin held him fast, not giving him an inch. "No, son." Jason's struggles began to lose their intensity, finally stopping completely as Jason collapsed against his father, crying. "What am I going to do? Mom left me! My momma left me..." His voice trailed into the sobs that were soon wracking his body. "It'll be okay, son. I'm here, and I'm- not- going- anywhere. I love you, Jason. It'll be okay..." Kevin's own tears mixed with Jason's. I left them to their grief, shutting the door quietly behind me. Pete was just as I left him, sleeping soundly. I crawled up next to him and clung to his body. I cried while he was asleep. I had been profoundly affected by what I had seen in the garage. Something just grabbed my heart and clinched like a fist. I felt... dirty for intruding on such a private moment. I told them later that I had been there, but neither Kevin nor Jason cared. If anything, I think they were glad that I had been willing to share their grief. But I still felt bad. About a half hour later, I went back downstairs to finish breakfast. After cleaning up the other dishes, I dumped my soggy cereal and poured a new bowl. Kevin and Jason were still in the garage, but I couldn't hear anything. When I was just finishing, Ray came down, his usual sneer replaced with concern. "Morning, Brian," he said quietly. "Do you know what happened last night? Kevin and Sharon woke me up with some yelling, but I couldn't hear what was being said." I sighed. "I don't know for sure, but I think Sharon left." "She what?" His eyes teared, wide in disbelief. "She left, I think. Took Joanne with her." Ray's lower lip began to tremble. "For how long?" "I don't know." "Oh God," he whispered, "oh God, this can't be happening. Please tell me this is just a bad joke." "I wish I could, Ray. I really wish I could." He stood in front of me, dumbfounded, on the verge of breaking down. "Omigod. Oh, shit. What am I going to do, Brian?" "I don't understand." "If Kevin and Sharon split, then I can't live here anymore. The system will take me away!" Thinking quickly, I said, "We don't know that yet. What we need to do is stay calm, so we can think. Jason and Kevin are devastated. They'll need our help. I'm sure that Kevin will make sure you stay here, but right now isn't the time to panic." "But they'll take me away!" "They are not! They don't know anything's happened! And you could be old enough now to make your own decision. Stay calm." "I'll try, but it's hard. I really want to stay here!" "I know, Ray. I know." Kevin and Jason, faces haggard, came back from the garage and went upstairs. "Better eat, Ray. Today's going to be a long day." "Yeah. I'm not really hungry anymore, though." I put my empty bowl in the sink, went upstairs, and found Pete awake, laying on the bed. "Morning, Bri. How did you sleep?" "I didn't. Didn't you hear anything that went on last night?" "Um, no. What did I miss?" I filled Pete in on Sharon's precipitous departure, as well as what I witnessed in the garage. He was quiet after I finished speaking. I could tell Pete was affected by Sharon's departure too. Abruptly, he stood and opened the door. "I need to be with my family, Bri." I nodded. "I understand." Pete left. I guess I hadn't really considered that Pete would be affected as much as Jason and Kevin. I lived there as a guest, more or less. Kevin and Sharon were de facto parents, but they hadn't acted in that capacity much. To Pete, they were his parents. Just as much as my dad was my father, Kevin was Pete's father, and Sharon his mother. I felt bad that I hadn't considered this before just blurting out Sharon's departure. I lay back and tried to sleep. To my surprise, it came quite easily. * * * * * When Brian told me what had happened, I was shocked. Beyond shocked. I would have never guessed Sharon would react as she had. It took me a few moments to gather my wits. Sharon leaving hurt. It hurt a lot. All I could think of was Kevin and Jason, and how terrible this must be for them. I got up, intending to go straight to Jason's room. I stopped myself just in time to tell Brian I needed time alone with Jason and Kevin. He said he understood, and laid back down. I loved him so much at that moment. I knocked gently at Jason's door. After a few second, the door was opened by Kevin, whose face was puffy and tear-stained, just like Jason's. Kevin threw open the door and hugged me fiercely for a long moment, then led me into the room. Jason stood and embraced me tightly as well. Another long moment passed. Jason released me to arms length, looked in my eyes and said, "Mom's gone." With tears in my eyes, I said, "I know." The three of us sat on the bed, taking comfort in the close physical contact, sharing our misery. Jason and I cried together while Kevin held us, murmuring his love, reaffirming his presence, and making us feel safe. I had to ask. "What happened?" Kevin sighed, obviously upset, but I couldn't tell if it was anger or grief. "Sharon left for her mother's. How long she'll stay there, I don't know. I don't know if she'll ever come back." "She won't," Jason said with a note of finality. "Son, we don't know that for sure." "She won't come back as long as I live here. You know that." Kevin sighed and dropped his eyes. "I don't know that, but I do know that I'm not going anywhere, Jason. You are my son. I love you. Nothing that has happened is your fault. Do you understand that?" "She left because of what I did." "No, she didn't. She left because she never really said goodbye to Jeff, and this reopened that old wound. You're just being used as a target for her anger and pain. She does love you, Jason." Jason snorted. "Hell of a way of showing it," he said in a voice thick with sarcasm. "Enough of that for now, son. We have work to do. We still have a house to run, which means we need to figure out who is going to do what. You two will have to play chauffeur for Ray and Brian. The laundry needs to get done... the dishes... anyone know how to cook?" "Some," I said. Jason nodded. "Good, then we won't starve. The shopping needs to be done, the cleaning..." Kevin trailed off, seemingly losing himself in his thoughts. Watching closely, I could see the anger in his face, and the incredible pain he must be feeling. He presented a strained smile, and then ruffled Jason's hair as he stood. "Let's get started." "Dad, I don't feel like it." Kevin knelt down between us and searched our eyes. "Listen to me, both of you. I know you hurt. I know you're scared. I know you're angry. I am too, but we can't get into the mode of brooding about this. If we do that, it'll eat us alive. We have to grieve, yes, but we aren't going to wallow in self pity. Do you understand?" "Yes, Dad." "Yeah." "Good. Now how about Ray and Brian. How are they taking this?" Jason and I glanced at each other, and shrugged. "I don't know, Dad," I said. "Brian talked to Ray earlier this morning and said he was really uptight about having to leave or getting taken away." "Ray's not going anywhere. I haven't fought this hard and this long for him to be taken from me now. And Brian?" I sighed. "He seems worried about us, but otherwise he doesn't seem affected." Kevin snorted. "About what I'd expect from him." I glared at Kevin. "I'm sorry, Pete, but that's how Brian is. He hides everything. Okay. Time for a... for a meeting. See you in the office. No, on second thought, let's do it here. Go get Brian and your brother, Pete. "Okay." I got Ray first. He was curled into a ball on his bed. He was shaking, crying softly. He just glanced at me. "Go away." "Dad wants to see us. All of us." "His sons, you mean." "No, I mean all of us, Brian included. Ray, this isn't..." Frustrated, I snapped, "Ray, get off your ass and get into Jason's room. Dad wants to talk to you!" Ray grinned weakly. "You're cute when you're angry." I glared at him as long as I could before cracking up. Ray put on his sweats and walked out the door. Before he could get far, I embraced him. "Dad's not going to let you go, Ray. He's already told us that." A shudder ran through his body. Tears were rolling down his cheeks. In a half-wail, he said, "I'm so scared, Pete! I don't want to lose the only people who ever loved me!" I could find nothing to say. I just hugged him tighter. Kevin peeked out of Jason's room and, seeing us, walked quickly to take Ray out of my arms. "I'm not going to let you go anywhere, son. You are part of this family, and have been since you got here. You are my son." "And you're my brother." "And mine," Jason said from his end of the hall. Brian poked his head out of our room, and hearing our exchange, he added, "And you're my brother-in-law." Ray laughed a bit, a smile poking through the tears. "Let's talk, son." Kevin led us back to Jason's room. We sat on the edge of the bed facing Dad in the desk chair. Kevin looked at each of us in turn, with the most serious expression I ever remember him having. If he looked at anyone longer than the others, it was Ray. Ray's uncertainty and turmoil were easily seen. "Well, I guess there's no easy way to start this. You know what's happened," I put my arm around Jason, "so I won't go into the obvious. I don't know how long Sharon'll be gone. "None of you will be going anywhere. I'm not sending anyone away, or letting anyone be taken." Kevin was staring at Ray, who smiled weakly. "I mean that. "We're going to make this work. All of you will need to chip in, but there's no reason we can't do this. I know we can. I have faith in you. I trust you." "Dad, uh..." Ray started, "Um, uh..." "What, son?" "Well, why did she go?" asked Ray, in his usual blunt manner. I could feel Jason shrink under my arm. I hugged Jason tighter, giving him as much support as I could. Brian shifted nervously next to me. If the question surprised Kevin, he didn't show it. "Right now she believes that we could've prevented Jeff's suicide if we'd known he was gay. Jeff came out to Jason before he... died." "I didn't tell them." I nodded, remembering Jason saying that the night before. "What she doesn't, or isn't willing to understand, is that Jason was being loyal to his brother, the way we taught him to be. You don't go around telling everybody your family's secrets. And when you're thirteen, your older brother's approval means more to you than anything, right, Jason?" Jason's head was down, tears falling from his eyes. He just nodded. "Son, you were too young to understand what was going on. It wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could have done." "I could have told you!" Jason screamed. "Told us what? That your brother was gay?" "Yes!" "And what would that have done? Did you ever think- ever think- that Jeff would kill himself?" "No, but..." "No buts. You didn't realize that his depression had anything to do with him being gay. And even if you did, you still didn't think he would off himself." "Don't talk about him that way," Jason said in a low, angry voice, eyes glinting. "How should I talk about him? He killed himself, Jason!" "He was my brother!" "He was my son! Do you think I miss him any less than you do, or that I didn't love him too? Dammit Jason, I lost a son! I lost a child I was responsible for, a child I was supposed to care for, to comfort and keep safe. I failed!" Kevin's tears flowed unchecked, dropping to the floor. "If anyone is responsible for Jeff, or his suicide, it's me, not you! Me. "How do you think it feels to have lost a son, and be unable to reach your other son because of his anger? I so wanted to wrap you in my arms that day, but you ran away. You didn't want anything to do with us! If we even mentioned his name, you flew into a rage! I had lost one son, and I thought I had lost you too! "Jason, I know he hurt you. I know it's very hard for you to see beyond that, but try to understand my position." Kevin was still crying. "A father isn't supposed to watch his sons die. I watched you after Jeff's death. It looked to me that you might kill yourself with your anger and suffering. I couldn't have lived with it if you killed yourself, Jason. I would have died. "I loved Jeff so much, Jason. I loved him as much as I love you." Kevin's eyes bored into Jason's. "But I would've traded places with Jeff in a heartbeat if it meant he would live. But I can't, and he doesn't. We have to let him go now, son. It does us no good keeping all this inside, letting it eat us up." Jason's strangled cry filled the air. "I let him die!" Kevin bellowed, "You did not! You are not responsible, Jason! He killed himself! There is no way you could have prevented it! It's not your fault!" Kevin knelt in front of Jason. "It was never your fault, Jason. It was his choice. Not yours. His." Jason collapsed into his father's arms, sobbing uncontrollably. Kevin held him tightly, eyes closed, crying silent tears. Ray, Brian, and I looked on, each of us lost in our own thoughts. A few moments later, Brian rolled off the back of the bed, and left the room. I followed him. "Where're ya going, Bri?" "I don't belong in there." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Pete, I should go; give you all some time to talk and stuff. This is a family thing. I just want you all to have some privacy." "What? Where did that come from?" I followed him into our room. He began packing a bag. "I just... don't feel like I need to be included." "Why not? You're family!" Brian smiled slightly. "I'm your family, Pete. I'm their friend. I'm intruding." He completed packing. I was so shocked at what he was saying; I couldn't speak as I watched him go down the stairs. "I love you, Pete." He was leaving! He was halfway out the door before I found my voice. "Brian get your ass back here! You aren't going anywhere." He glanced back to me, obviously torn between going and doing as I demanded. "NOW!" He still didn't make a move. "Brian? Where are you going?" I was surprised to hear Jason come up behind me, followed by Kevin and Ray. "I'm going to stay with my dad for awhile, give you guys some space." "Why?" Brian sighed, looking out the door for a long moment before he answered, "I don't belong here. You guys should have some privacy." Kevin asked, "Why?" "Because you're dealing with family issues. I don't want to intrude." Jason flew down the stairs and got in Brian's face. "You are a PART of this family! You're as much my brother as Ray and Pete are." "And as much my son," Kevin said Brian's whisper barely reached me. "No, I'm not. I'm Pete's boyfriend, but that's all I am. I'm not really part of your family." Kevin and Ray charged down the stairs, leaving me in their wake. I couldn't believe Brian was saying this. Jason was in tears again. "Brian, I need you." "We need you." Kevin halted in front of Brain, hiding him from my view. "Pete needs you. We all need you." "I just thought you would want some time alone with your family, Kevin." "You ARE part of my family, Brian. You always have been." I saw Brian shake his head slightly as I approached. "Brian, how could you think you aren't part of this family, my family?" I just didn't understand it. I did everything I could to make him feel a part of us, and they did too. Why doesn't he get it? Why doesn't he understand that we love him, that I love him? Jason pulled Brian back inside, closing the door against the cold wind, and wrapped Brian in his arms. He whispered something in his ear I couldn't make out, but it obviously had an effect on Brian, judging by his reaction. He peered into Jason's eyes for a moment, then nodded, hugging Jason tightly again before releasing him. Kevin took Brian into a tight embrace, also whispering something into his ear. A shocked expression came over his face, then... comprehension? Acceptance? Ray also gave him a brief hug, and then Brian turned to me. We stood facing each other for a moment, Brian examining the floor. "I'm sorry, Pete." "Why, Brian?" He shrugged, still not meeting my eyes. "I don't know. I just felt- feel- uncomfortable, like I'm watching something not meant for me." "No. Why?" "I don't know." "Do you think I want you to go away?" "No." "Then why?" He still hadn't met my eyes. "I don't know." It was more of a plea than a statement. "Brian, we love you. Don't you know that?" He nodded. "I love you." "I know." Then why? I walked to him and raised his eyes to mine. I saw pain, maybe despair, and then it was gone; his eyes had hardened. "Look," Brian said, "this isn't about me. This is about you guys. We can deal with my problems later." He gave me a brief hug and pulled away. Oh, God, why can't he understand? Kevin and Jason glanced at each other at Brian's abrupt change in manner. Even with all they are going through, they were still concerned about Brian. An awkward silence lingered until Ray asked, "Who's hungry?" Brian and I cracked up at the same time. Jason and Kevin joined in a moment later. "What? What'd I do?" I just shook my head and pushed him toward the kitchen. I held Brian back for a moment. "What's wrong, baby?" "Nothing." "Now, don't give me that shit. I know something's bothering you." He sighed. "As soon as I figure it out, I'll let you know." I hugged him to me, and kissed his cheek. "I love you, Bri. I really do. I need you right now. Will you stay?" He rested his head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry." "I know, baby. Someday we'll figure it out. I promise." I tightened my embrace. He returned the pressure, and sighed. We walked arm in arm to the kitchen, where Jason was cracking some eggs for an omelet. Ray was getting together the ingredients, and Kevin was making coffee. I walked around to set the table. Brian asked, "Pete, what's the phone number at the farmhouse?" He dialed as I told him. I could almost guarantee his dad wouldn't be there, though. It was a workday after all. A minute later, he hung up. "Guess he's working." "Dad," Ray said, "what're we going to do about school?" "You boys'll go back next Monday. You have the homework up to then, right?" Jason nodded and sighed. "I know you want to go back early, Jason, but I think we all need some time to adjust to what's happened here." Reluctantly, Jason nodded again. "Can I invite Jared over?" Ray asked. "After school, yes. He's not to be here when he shouldn't be. Got it?" "Sure, pop." "I need to go to the mall," I said. "I'd prefer if you stay here until after school gets out, if you don't mind, Pete." "Sure, pop." Jason said, "I want to go out, too. I have some friends to see after they get out of school. Like I said, I have a project coming due, and I want to make sure it's going to get done." "All right. Just be careful." Jason grinned as he slapped an omelet on Ray's plate. "Sure, pop." "Uh, I hate to point this out, but you guys only have one car," Brian said. Everyone was quiet for a moment. "Well," I said, "there's my grandfather's old truck, but I don't even know if it still runs." Kevin said, "I can ask someone to go take a look at it, Pete. They can pick it up this evening, give it a going over, and get it back to us." "Okay. I'll pay for it." I thought for a moment. "Kevin, do we know how much is in my account at the moment?" He grinned. "Want to buy a car or something?" "Yup!" "Well, let's check after breakfast. Oh, I forgot to tell you, boys. I'm taking the rest of the week off, too." That was met by mixed feelings. While Dad was home, we couldn't do everything we wanted... which was probably a good thing. "When do we go shopping?" "You should do your research first, Pete. Find out what kind of car you want, how much the insurance is, that kind of thing. Check reliability too. Nothing worse than having to buy the car three times over because of repairs." I nodded. Jason slapped an omelet on my plate, and another on Kevin's. He'd gotten smart and was using two pans. Shortly, Jason served Brian and sat down himself. Of course, Ray was ready for seconds. "Fix your own. You know how," Jason chided. Ray got up with a devilish grin and moved to the stove. "Uh, son? Would you mind fixing Ray another one? I don't trust him around a stove." Ray glared at Kevin for ruining his fun, but sat down with a smile. "I hate to bring this up again, but I need to know why Sharon left. You didn't answer my question before." Ray's question was an earnest one. Jason answered him. "It's exactly what Dad told you. She blames me for Jeff's death, and she doesn't want to live in the same house as the murderer of her child." He said it with such nonchalance that I stared at him. "But, you're her child, too." "Not anymore, it would seem." Jason continued eating, emotionlessly. Ray was relentless. "What about you two, Kevin? Are you still married?" Kevin sighed, resting his chin on his hand. "Right now, yes. Later, who knows. I hope she'll come to her senses. but this runs deep. I'm not going to sugarcoat things for you guys. You're old enough to deal with the truth." We finished breakfast in relative silence. Kevin excused himself, followed shortly by Jason and Ray. Brian had been picking at his food the whole time, not really eating much. He seemed lost in thought, brooding. I put my plate in the dishwasher, and put my arms around Brian from behind. "What're ya thinking?" "Not much. I'm kinda pissed at myself." "Why, Bri?" "Because I took the focus off what's happened. You guys deserve the time you need to deal with this. I feel like I'm in the way, interfering." "But you aren't, baby. You heard what they said. They love you, and they want you here. I want you here, too. I need you here. So do they." He turned to look at me, and sighed. "I'll stay, but I still don't feel like I belong here." He stood, holding me close. "You do belong here, Bri." "I don't feel like I do. And I don't feel like I deserve you." "That again? What can I do to convince you that you do deserve me?" He shrugged. "Brian," I kissed him on the lips, "good enough or not, you're all I want. I love you. That will never change." We held each other for a few moments. "Where did that come from, Bri? Why don't you feel like you deserve me?" "I don't know. It just feels like you guys are sorry for me or something, and that's the only reason you keep me around." "That's ridiculous, and not true." "It feels true to me. I can't help it. I feel like you're going to find out who I really am, and then not want me. Same for them." He jerked his head toward the upstairs. I sighed, and rested my head on his shoulder. "I know you, Brian. The real you. And you know what? That real you is the person I fell in love with, and the person I love. Other people may not be able to see the real you, but I do. And I like what I see." I kissed his cheek and gazed deeply into his eyes. He was still hiding something from me, but at that moment, it didn't matter. His green eyes softened as he relaxed in my embrace. "Sorry." "No need to be, Bri." He released me a moment later. I finished cleaning up the kitchen. Brian went to the garage and started cleaning up the mess. When I joined him, I was stunned at the amount of damage that had been done. It looked like a hurricane had gone through. Glass, nails, bolts, screws; everything was on the garage floor. Brian was sweeping from the garage door toward the center, being careful to get everything. "Could you get me a pair of leather gloves? I'll need them to go through this stuff and get rid of the glass." "I'll come out and help you." "You don't have to, Pete. I can do it." "I know you can, but I want to help. I'll be right back." "Put on some shoes!" he hollered as I retreated. Wisely, I took his advice and put on my shoes. I found the gloves in the utility room out back. When I returned, Brian had a decent pile of debris in the center of the floor. I found some empty soup cans in the recycling bin, and started picking through, separating the different items in the pile to the cans. It took Brian almost an hour to get everything gathered into the center of the garage, then he joined me in sorting out screws, bolts, and the like. We didn't talk as we worked. We both had a lot on our minds. Two hours later, we'd finally sorted everything into its proper place, and picked up all the glass. Patching the walls would take more time and skill that either of us had. Upstairs, Brian stripped down to his shorts and went for his shower. I lay on the bed, trying to absorb what had happened. My mind still didn't want to accept that Sharon had turned her back on us; turned her back on Jason. And leaving Kevin was unthinkable. They had such a strong marriage. I never heard them argue. Never anything more than playful bickering. There had to be something else, but I had no idea what it might be. Brain returned, wearing just a towel. I interrupted him as he started dressing. "Bri?" "Yeah, babe?" "Come here, please? I need to feel you near me." He smiled, dropped his towel and climbed into bed. I undressed, and followed him. We lay in each other's arms for a long while. We both became aroused from time to time, but we ignored it, just savoring the skin on skin full body contact. I rested my head in the crook of his shoulder, taking comfort in his presence. I felt like I had been abandoned and betrayed by Sharon, just as I had when Brenda betrayed and abandoned me. My birth mother had first ripped me away from Brian, and then hooked up with this guy that hit me, and kicked me out. She turned into a kid's worst nightmare. I met Ray at school. He took me home to the Patterson's place. Sharon and Kevin really cared about me. They obviously care for Jason and Ray. They became my family after my grandparents died. Without them, I would have ended up on the street. They took me in, fought for me in court, got me free of Brenda... I just don't understand why Sharon would turn her back on her only remaining son when he needed her most. About four that afternoon, Jason knocked on the door and peeked in. Brian was asleep, and I was holding him close. "Uh, I'm not interrupting, am I?" "No, Jason. Not at all. I... just needed to be held." He nodded. His expression told me he wanted someone to hold him too. "I wondered if you wanted to go to the mall with me. My friends bailed." "Sure. Brian, baby, I need to get up." Brian didn't stir, so I shook him a bit. "I have to go, baby." "Mmm mmm. Stay here." He was barely conscious, not really moving yet. "I have something I need to do, Brian. I'll be back soon, okay?" "Mmm kay." I extracted myself, and crawled out from under the covers, forgetting my state of undress. Jason might have blushed a bit, but I didn't mind. I dressed unhurriedly, and then followed Jason downstairs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Walking down the hall at school, I saw Mom and Dad talking to Brenda and Joe. They watched me pass them, and then resumed their conversation. Pete was laughing beside me, telling a joke I can't remember. We went to his locker, and Pete pulled out a colored paper heart. Written on it in several places was the name Ashley. Pete grinned and put it back inside. He handed me a towel as he closed the cupboard door. The gym locker room was deserted except for a couple people I didn't recognize. Pete led me to the showers, and we soaped up. Brent was there with his cronies, as were Chris and Pat. After rinsing off, we walked into Pete's bedroom and fell on the bed, grinding against one another, getting excited. When we were just about ready to go over the top, I heard a shout. Turning around, I saw Joe, Danny, and my dad staring at us with horror on their faces. Naked, I got up to run, and made it to the park. Seeing Dad still after me, I charged down the street, dodging between cars and people, who yelled and screamed. I turned up an alley to see if I had lost them, but they came after me. I turned between the trees and hid in the bushes. My fort was secure, made of berry vines with thorns. I thought I had gotten away for a while, but they found me. Crawling through the berry vines, the thorns ripping my flesh, I ran down the stairs to find Chris playing pool. He said, "Silly faggot, dicks are for chicks." He laughed, and kissed me hard. I could hear someone coming down the stairs after me, so I bolted into my bedroom and locked the door. Kevin and Sharon were fighting, arguing about whether or not I killed Jeff and whether they were going to kill me. Then Sharon told me to go home, where I belong. The door started splintering, causing me to jump out the window. I rolled on the mat, coming up on my feet. The wrestling ring was brightly lit, and my opponent was waiting for me. As I approached, the audience hissed. The referee handed me a sword so large I could barely lift it. My opponent, his armor gleaming brightly, saluted me, and then charged forward. I turned and ran but Joe caught me by my jacket. Joe, his face a mask of fury and hate, yelled, "Fuck my son, will you, you little fag? I'm gonna beat the shit outta you!" He threw me to Dad, who held me while Joe hit me over and over again. Danny stood off to the side, laughing. I struggled to get away with all my might, but Chris was too strong for me. Pete continued to hit and kick me. When he stopped, I saw the glint of a knife in his hand. His smile was evil, hate-filled. "I told you you'd never be good enough, fag," he said, and he plunged the knife deeply into my chest, as Jason looked on... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I awoke, breathing hard, and blood dripping from my eyebrow. The sweat stung unbearably. I realized I was on the floor. Ray bounded through the door. "Brian! Are you okay? Jesus, you're bleeding. What happened? I heard you scream and then..." "I had a dream, Ray." I was still trembling, reeling from what I had seen. I can remember that dream as clearly now as I did then. I tried to stand, but was unable. I was shaking too badly. I knelt, oblivious to the fact I was naked. Ray handed me a t-shirt to put on my head. "Let me go get Dad." "I'm here, Ray. Brian, what happened?" "Had a bad dream. It's no big deal." "I think it is. Let me look at your head." I did as he asked, too shaken to mount any type of resistance. "Looks like you split your head on the chair. It's not too big, but it's bleeding quite a bit. Ray, get your brother some clothes." Brother? "Sure, Dad." "Brian, do you remember what you were dreaming about?" "No," I lied. "Brian, you must remember some of it. What was it?" "I don't remember anything." Ray handed me a pair of shorts. I struggled up to the standing position, using the chair as support, and managed to get them on without falling again. Kevin pressed the t-shirt against the cut on my forehead. "You hold that there while I get you some bandages. Ray, go get him some water." I sat there like a good little boy, trying to make sense of the dream. All the weird stuff aside, nothing made any sense. My parents and Pete's parents never really met like that. The paper heart had had my name on it. We had never even tried anything before he left, much less get caught. And Joe had caught my jacket, but I got away. The things that bothered me the most were the images of Pete laughing at me, him hitting me, and him stabbing me. He told me I wasn't good enough for him. The thought of those images chills me every time I think of them. Kevin returned with a first aid kit. He put a butterfly bandage on, covered it with gauze, and tied it around my head. "You keep the pressure on that. Lay back down, Brian. Get back in bed." I dutifully complied. Ray returned and handed me a glass of water. I took a sip and placed it on the nightstand. "Thank you, Ray. Can you give us a few minutes here?" "Sure Dad." Ray closed the door as he left. "There. He's gone. What was it that scared you so badly?" I was getting really tired of fighting to keep stuff from Kevin. He was very persistent. Finally, I just blurted everything out to him, every detail I could remember. I started shaking as I related the beatings, and Pete stabbing me. Kevin hugged me. "Brian, I'm not going to pretend I know what this dream was about. You have a lot of demons haunting you. Maybe it's time to start dealing with them?" "I don't even know where to start." "Start with Will. You are still planning on seeing him, aren't you?" "Haven't thought about it since... everything came down." Kevin's smile was forced. "Call him tomorrow and see when he can fit you in, okay? I'll take you myself until we get another car. And, Brian? Pete loves you more than you know. You are what he wants, your faults and all. Don't worry about that; I know it's true. So if you can't take Pete's word, maybe you'll take mine?" "Thanks," I whispered. He smiled, patted my leg, and walked out. I wracked my brain, trying to decipher the dream. Try as I might, though, I couldn't make rhyme nor reason out of any of it. Frustrated, I tried to put it out of my mind and get back to sleep, but couldn't. Sighing, I sat up and turned on the computer. Maybe I could write my way out of this. //////////////////////// "Hi Bri! Howzit going?" I melted on the spot. My knees started shaking and I'm sure that if I had tried to speak it would have been a squeak instead of words. Oh man, he was the most perfect thing I'd ever seen. I couldn't help staring at him. For a long time. A very long time. Then I noticed he was giving me a funny look and it brought me back to my senses. "Doing great," I said in a loud voice, trying to cover for the people I knew were watching our actions. I lowered my voice to a near whisper so only he could hear me. "Now that you're here." I offered him my hand. It was the only thing I could think of that wouldn't let the world know we were gay. He looked surprised, but took my hand anyway and shook. I tried to communicate everything to him in that one, simple gesture. I squeezed his hand to the point of pain, I'm sure. I looked him in the eyes, silently telling him how much I loved him. What he felt that morning I don't know. I never asked him. But since he stayed with me, I guess the feeling was mutual. //////////////////////// I sighed again. Was the feeling mutual? Kevin seemed to think so. Jason too. Pete has always said he loves me, even when I was being a major ass, treating him like shit. I loved him. Sometimes I feel like I don't show him how much I love him, or tell him I love him as often as I should. My biggest fear of all was that Pete would finally realize that I'm not who I pretend to be. I feel like I'm a fake, a pretender to the throne. God, I must sound like a broken record. That's all I can say. Poor me. But I can't help feeling the way I do. Something inside is really screwed up, and I don't know how to fix it. Pete opened the door, and I quickly saved what I had been writing, and closed the file. "How's your head, babe?" "Doing okay. Still aches a bit." I moved to sit on the bed. "What were you writing, Bri?" "About that first day in school after we told each other." "I remember. You couldn't walk a straight line." He giggled a bit. "It was so cute." "I was thinking about the handshake." "Yeah, You tried to crush my hand. I was lucky you were a little boy then and didn't have any strength." He laughed again, but I couldn't. I was so inside myself that I couldn't laugh. Of course, Pete noticed right away. "Brian, what's wrong? What's bothering you?" I met his eyes for a few seconds before I had to drop my gaze. "Same old shit. Different day." "What do you mean?" He sat on the bed next to me, putting a hand on my leg and squeezing gently. "I feel like I don't deserve you. And you don't deserve me. I'm not good enough, and that you deserve better." "Brian, you know I love you. I don't care about any of that. I don't see you that way. I see a loving, caring person, a person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I see a boy- no- a young man that makes me deliriously happy, a person I can share my most intimate secrets with, a person I can trust." He stroked my hair. "It doesn't matter that you can't see those things in yourself, Bri. I see them. Kevin sees them. Jason and Ray see them. So do a lot of other people." "I feel like I'm just waiting for you to see who I really am, and throw me away, because I'm not good enough." "But that's what I'm saying, Brian. You are good enough. I do deserve you. You deserve me. We deserve each other." He pulled me to sit on his lap, and hugged me tightly. "But if you won't take me at my word, then maybe you need something real to remind you that I do love you and that you are good enough." Pete shuffled around, moving me off him. Then he pulled out a felt covered ring box and handed it to me. "What's this?" "Open it and see, baby." With trembling fingers, I opened the box, revealing a simple silver band. "What's this," I whispered. "It's yours," he said softly, "if you want it." "Why?" "Because I want you to know how committed to you I am. I want you to be able to look at it and know how much I love you." "But I didn't get..." His finger silenced my objections. "It doesn't matter." He knelt down in front of me. "This ring is my promise to you, Brian. You are my soulmate. You are the person I want to spend my life with. You're all I want. If I could, I would ask you to marry me." Omigod! "But since we can't, all I can give you is my promise, and this ring. Brian, will you be with me for the rest of our lives?" Oh- my- God! He was proposing to me! Holy Shit! What am I gonna do? What am I gonna say? "Pete," I stammered, "a-a-are you s-sure this is what you want? That you d-don't want to wait and see?" He smiled lovingly. "Brian, baby, I know what I want. This is what I want to do. If you'll have me." I took the ring from the box with shaking hands. My gaze shifted between his deep blue eyes and the ring in my hand. There was an inscription: You're good enough for me. I couldn't move. I just sat there like a fish, mouth hanging open in amazement. Pete took the ring and placed it on my right ring finger, my eyes following his every movement. "Brian Andrew Kellam, I am completely, unquestionably yours. I give you my life without reservation. It's yours. Will you stay with me, be with me for the rest of your life?" Looking deeply into his eyes, I searched for an answer, something to say in response, something to match his words, but no words would come. So I did what came to mind: I tackled him to the floor. "Yes," I said, barely able to speak through my tears of happiness. "Forever." ==0== ==0== ==0== ==0== ==0== Constructive criticism and comments gladly accepted. E-mail me at dewey2k@yahoo.com Please visit my website: http://members.tripod.com/dewey.ftlop/ Newest chapters are always posted there well ahead of Nifty. 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